Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the last installment of the grading process, we have to look at the bad – those guys I, Albert Lang, was totally wrong about. As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players! Thanks for reading!

Joe Nathan – After doing some research and talking to some folks, I was pretty sure Nathan was healthy and undervalued. Well, that wasn’t the case. He stumbled out of the gates and has been bogged down by the suckitude of the rest of the Twins. His year would look better if the Twins were capable of doing anything, but 13 saves isn’t going to cut it. It’s the 31^st most at the position and less than Kevin Gregg, Javy Guerra, Frank Francisco and Matt Capps.

Madison Bumgarner– I don’t think I was more off on a player than Bumgarner. I had him as the 76^th best starting pitcher, while consensus had him around 37. I saw Bumgarner as an uninteresting 3.50 ERA pitcher with a WHIP around 1.25 and 130 Ks. I wasn’t totally off on the ERA (3.32) or WHIP (1.24), but man I didn’t think he’d pitch this many innings with this kind of K-rate. Bumgarner sits as the 30^th best SP in fantasy this season. Whoops!

Jair Jurrjens – Like Bumgarner, I was pretty far off on Jurrjens. I had Jurrjens as 99 among starting pitchers, consensus had him around 50. I had him pegged for a 3.90 ERA, 1.33 WHIP and 130 Ks. I was incredibly concerned about his durability. While I nailed his inability to rack up Ks for you (the Braves have shut him down and he has just 90 Ks), his ERA (2.96) and WHIP (1.22) more than make up for those shortcomings. In fact, Jurrjens is the 36^th best pitcher in fantasy this year.

Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t differ with consensus much on Sandoval, but enough to make it really matter. The “royal we” had Sandoval as the 12^th best 3b, I had him as 15. I said he was a .300 hitter (I was right there) but with moderate pop. His 23 HRs (while missing time with an injury) are the opposite of moderate. Sandoval is the 10^th best 3b this season.

Tim Hudson – I was way off on Tim Hudson. While he wasn’t loved in the community (39^th SP), I really hated on him (65^th SP). I pegged Hudson to finish with a 3.40 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, and 140 Ks. Well, Hudson is the 18^th best SP in 2011 with a 3.19 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 150 Ks. He’s beaten my projections pretty well. He keeps going out there and converting balls in play to outs. Congrats!

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Man, that was a bad call.

Brian Roberts – I don’t know which sleeper call was more laughable, Brian Roberts or Dice-K. Probably Dice-K, because when I wrote the Roberts section he was, supposedly, technically, healthy. God, why wouldn’t the Orioles trade him two years ago?

Logan Morrison – I thought Morrison would be an 80 run threat with a decent average and some moderate pop. Well, the pop has been anything other than moderate (23 HRs in 462 ABs), however he has scored just 54 runs and batted a disappointing .247. He’s gotten on base and the power is a great sign going forward, but he didn’t do what I expected this year.

Bobby Abreu – I had Abreu as a .265-.270 hitter with a .360 OBP, 90 runs, 18-20 HRs and 23-25 SBs. He hit .253 with just 54 runs, eight HRs, but has 21 SBs and a .353 OBP. I’d like to call this one a push, but it isn’t. I was wrong; Abreu is in full on decline now. What a great career, but the lights have clearly gone out.

James McDonald – It should come as no surprise that I love James McDonald. I had him down for an ERA in the 3.00s, a WHIP around 1.30 and 180 Ks. Well, he has 142 Ks, a 4.21 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. He has shown improvements, but that’s still a swing and a miss. That said, I did like him more than Carlos Carrasco, JA Happ, Mike Pelfrey, Randy Wells, Carl Pavano and Tim Stauffer. With the exception of Stauffer, I was dead on, making this just short of a clear push.

Brett Cecil – It just never came together for Brett Cecil the way I thought it could. I had him as the 62^nd best SP before the year, whereas he went largely unranked/undrafted by the masses. I saw an ERA somewhere between 3.85-4.15, 140 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.30-1.35 range. Well, the ERA (4.73) and WHIP (he’s at 1.33) are far from great. However, he never got the innings I thought he would and is sitting at just 87 Ks. I believe in him long-term, but he didn’t provide much value to teams in 2011.

Ike Davis – I personally blame the medical staff who work for the New York Metropolitans – but, then again, I know they haven’t been too successful lately. Moving forward, Mets players should have a Red Letter attached to their name.

Mike Aviles – I missed badly on Aviles. I ranked him as the 12^th best 2b and 9^th best SS. I believed he was capable of putting up a .290 average, 10-15 HRs and double digit steals. I must have been drunk when making that assessment.  Aviles is the 38^th best 2b, behind such standouts as Robert Andino, Brent Lilibridge and Aaron Miles. He fared a bit better against the shortstop pool, coming in at 30^th, although he is behind all glove, no-hit Brendan Ryan and Willie Bloomquist, who is all-nothing. He did have seven homers and 14 steals, but the .255 batting average and sporadic playing time made him worthless.

Jed Lowrie – It’s hard to say whether I was more incorrect about Lowrie or Aviles – it’s like comparing Bachman Turner Overdrive and Paul McCartney and Wings. I did couch my Lowrie prediction in a lot of qualifiers, but at the end of the day had him as a .274 hitter with 15 HRs and believed he was a likely top 25 player at the position. Sounds like a pretty flimsy projection. And yet, I still whiffed like Mark Reynolds does while batting/fielding. Lowrie, the 41^st ranked SS at the moment, is batting .252 and has tallied just six homers. He can’t stay healthy. I must repeat that to myself.

Daric Barton – Another horrible call. I truly believed Barton’s plate discipline would result in a cheap and easy 85 runs. I also saw him as similar to Gaby Sanchez from a few years ago, with double digit power + upside. It was clearly a deep league play, but I did advocate for Barton over James Loney. As for the tale of the tape: Barton has a .212 average, 27 runs and zero homers and has logged just 236 at bats. While Loney has sort of sucked, he’s been way better than that.

Aaron Hill – While I ranked him lower than where he was going in most drafts, I also thought Hill could bat .260 with 25 HRs and 70 runs/RBIs. The only thing that made his numbers approach my expectations was a trade to the desert. Hill currently sits at .246 with just eight homers. He does have 61 runs and 61 RBIs, so my 70/70 wasn’t too far off. But, yikes, 2009 was a long, long, long time ago.

Mitch Moreland – I thought Moreland would easily hit 20 HR and drive in 80 RBIs and that he could finish top 15 at 1b. Wow, was that wrong. Moreland has 16 HRs and never showed enough skills to get the PT required to reach 80 RBIs (he has just 51). He is not only outside the top 15 1bs, he isn’t even in the top 30.

Brandon Allen – Allen never got the playing time and he was really just a stab in the dark for me. Still, when he has gotten into games, he has done nothing. He has a .200 average and just six homers in 175 ABs.

Juan Miranda – The thought of Miranda having 20+ HR potential is laughable now. Fighting off Xavier Nady and Russell Branyan wasn’t even possible for the slugger who has sluggishly batted just .213 with seven homers in 174 ABs.

Ryan Hanigan, Josh Thole, A.J. Ellis – These guys never got the at bats to do anything. They were decent gambles, but hit just 11 HRs combined.

Mark Ellis, Sean Rodriguez, Eric Young Jr. – Ultimately they didn’t come close to anything resembling a sleeper. Thankfully, you couldn’t have spent much on them. Young did steal some bases, despite having a really hard time actually getting to first base – so there’s that!

Jose Lopez, David Freese – I thought both guys would be cheap enough to make any contributions worthwhile. Freese hasn’t played much because he has been hurt (typical), whereas Lopez hasn’t played much because he sucks (typical). Both have shown signs down the stretch, but were basically worthless throughout the year.

Twins aren’t winning.  Twins haven’t won all year, actually.  You can look it up.  They’re 0-for-2011.  But Ben Revere wants to steal bases for no reason.  I love that.  I’d prefer my fantasy players act selfishly and just try to inflate their own value.  Maybe that’s lame, but we’re talking about fantasy baseball.  We’re not talking about getting chicks with your IROC.  When a player tries to inflate his own value, it helps us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).  With so many players shut down or resting for the playoffs, the best thing we can hope for right now is someone who just wants some stats.  Revere is the player.  In the last week, Revere is hitting .464 with 5 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 steals.  In the last ten games, he has 7 steals.  (BTW, the Twins lost each of those ten games.  Ha!)  He’s not glamorous, you’re not going to want to keep him for next year (outside of very deep leagues that have a “Must Have A Ben” clause), but if you need steals, grab him quick.  Now if only Revere played for the Red Sox, it would be like a player on the Yanks named Sam Yonkers.  Or a Jimmy Burbank on the Dodgers.  Or Sadaharu Tacoma on the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Carp - He’s hitting .400 over the last week with two homers.  This from our frequent commenter, Rabbit, “So how much of a team can you fill up with fish-themed players?  You’ve got Carp, Trout, and Anthony Bass.  I’d say you can include Jason Bay and Dan, Tim and Kyle Hudson (but not Vernon Wells – the first two bodies of water contain fish, the other better not) and maybe one of the Thames (whichever one pronounces his name like the river).  Jerry Sands and Brandon Beachy seem a close enough fit.  If you push it a bit, your catcher could be Pierzynski (Where do you fish from?  The pier, Zynski.), and maybe you could have Wilson “Exxon” Valdez (he sure killed a lot of fish).”

Nolan Reimold – Has three homers and three steals in the last ten games.  Sure, he’s flopped a bunch in the past, but who are you to judge Reimold?  Fred Savage?

Jerry Sands – Him and Bugsy helped build Vegas and now Sands is hitting .458 over the last week with 2 homers.

Salvador Perez – In his short time in the majors, he’s hitting .344 with 2 homers.  In the even shorter time of the last week, he’s hitting .579 with one homer.  In the even shortest time of his last at-bat, he’s 1-for-1.  That’s batting one thousand!  Use Ted Williams’s frozen medulla oblongata and carve out Perez’s Hall of Fame plaque!

John Mayberry Jr. – With the Phils clinched, Mayberry’s seeing more time and hitting (.409 with 2 homers in the last week).  It’s Mayberry BFD.

Joel Peralta – Farnsworth should return today, but you never know what can happen, except there will be a plague of locust as we know from The Book of Joel Peralta.

Greg Holland – Besides the saves (which he is getting now), he’s had a much better year than Soria.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Mike Aviles – Starting at 3rd base for the Sawx over the last week and he’s hitting .385 with 2 homers.  Last September, he had 6 homers and hit .357.  I accept this H2H trophy on behalf of all the men and women in the Armed Forces, and Mike Aviles.

Eric Young Jr. – Do I dare recommend him again?  I dare, I dare.  Do you care to pick him up again?  You care, you care.  Do you have someone to change your baby’s diaper?  Au pair, au pair.

Mike Moustakas – Over the last seven days, he has 2 homers and is hitting .500.  Finally, someone sprayed some Windex on his bat.

Lonnie Chisenhall – It seems inevitable that all of these guys that are hitting in September are going to be overrated next March.  Cust kayin’.

Brent Morel – Not only is he hitting (4 homers in the last ten games) but he seems like a funghi.

Cory Luebke - If you want a list of starters for the last week of the season, head over to the borderline fantasy starter post.  I wrote it while covering my eyes during the elevator scene in Drive.

SELL

Joakim Soria – I don’t think he’s going to pitch again this year.  Seriously, no Joakim.

Mitch Moreland – Before he just wasn’t hitting, now he’s not playing.  You see how that could hurt his value?  I.e., stop your Mitchin’.

Brett Lawrie – You guys will always have those moments you shared.  No one can take those from you.  Not even the IRS.

Troy Tulowitzki – Unlike previous years, the Rockies threw up the white flag in late August.  Hey, on the bright side, you don’t need a huge September from Tulo to make his season worthwhile.

Carlos Gonzalez – Probably done for the year.  His season ending stats are 92/26/92/.295/20.  My preseason projections were 90/24/95/.285/20.  Is that a boo-ya?  Or just boo-ya adjacent?

Anyone that is not going to help you win right now – There’s no time left, drop anyone that is not playing and add players that are.  Now excuse me while I go see Moneyball.  BTW, I’d love to hear a review of Moneyball by Joe Morgan.  “Is that John Kruk playing opposite Brad Pitt?  He was excellent!  I didn’t know he could play so Jewish.”

Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia.  I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus.  On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse?  3 feet?  4 feet?  I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.”  I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year.  Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right?  I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it?  I think so.  With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league.  He hit 3 homers this year.  As in between 2 and 4.  Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – Probably done for the year.  In related news, Morneau, Mauer and Kubel have a fishing trip planned for the first weekend of October and all Twins fans have a hunting trip planned for the same weekend.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Done for the year.  Back date that to March.  Are the Twins fielding a team this final week and a half?

Brian Dinkelman – 4-for-5 yesterday and 7 for his last 9.  When your team’s good news is Brian Dinkelman, you got a big fish that needs some frying or whatever that cliche is.

Ryan Howard – Out until Thursday, which will probably mean he plays only sporadically even after that.  Ross Gload will fill in.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he won his 24th game yesterday.  That’s pretttay pretttay good.  Tough year to be Jered Weaver.

Joakim Soria – Didn’t pitch this weekend.  Now all the Royals’ 9th inning eggs are hoping for some good Holland days.

Pablo Sandoval – Hit two homers in one inning.  When you throw Sandoval two meatballs, he jumps on them.

David Price – Left after 4 innings after being hit in the chest by a liner.  Should be fine for his next start, which he will throw while wearing knight’s armor.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-5 with a steal.  In roughly a third of the season, he has 9 homers and 18 steals.  Yeah, go ahead and times those by three.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  There should a glossary term for these K-heavy pitchers that are a total tease.  You suggest in the comments, thank you.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with two homers.  Be nice if he went on one of his crazy 6 homers in 8 games binges.  Cust kayin’.

Joe Saunders – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He came through big time for my borderline starter post from Thursday.  (And Matt Harrison too.  Brad Lincoln, not so much.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with a homer.  With 8 homers and 45 Ks in 40 games this year, he’s either gonna be something special next year or a flat-out bomb.

Mark Reynolds – Homered on Friday and Saturday, then was beaned in the head by a Ervin Santana pitch.  His CT scan came back negative, then the CT scan picked up Johnny Bananas and carried him to the other side of The Gulag.

James Loney – 5-for-6 yesterday and two homers in two games on Friday and Saturday.  I don’t like saying to pick up Loney, so if I wink, it means pick him up.  Wink.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have two things to note, neither of which is that interesting.  First, I can’t believe Greinke is barely under a 4.00 ERA in the NL.  Second, I can never remember if it’s a H or a K with Zack.  From writing 1200+ words five days a week about these players, I can spell Saltalamacchia without looking it up.  I could be in a baseball spelling bee and kick serious ass and get tripped up by spelling Zack.  I feel like there should be a standard Zack spelling.  H or K, that’s it.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-4, 2 homers, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and now hitting .434 in September.  Looks like a classic Septacular performance.

Adrian Gonzalez – It was revealed this weekend that he’s only taking batting practice every other day due to weakness in his shoulder.  He said, “(The weakness is) fine.  It’s the end of the year.”  Um, maybe in San Diego.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in three games.  Sawx kinda have to win games and Aviles, McDonald, Salty, Scutaro and Conor Jackson (when I saw his name as C. Jackson in the box score, I thought it was Curtis Jackson) are playing and Wakefield is pitching.   Up the team salary to $300 million.

Brandon Beachy – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER and 8 earned in his last 9 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  The good news for people who like bad news is he’s tired.   The other bad news is he might struggle next year if the Braves don’t shut him down.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4 as he hit 8th in front of the pitcher.  He should consider apologizing to Fredi for whatever transgression he did to him or his family.  Meanwhile, pray he doesn’t hit three homers in one game in the playoffs and get on everyone’s radar again.

Manny Acosta – Closed out yesterday’s game while Parnell worked the 8th.  Honestly, I think the Mets are going to get a closer in the offseason and don’t really care who gets the ball in the ninth right now.  It’s not like they’re grooming anyone.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins’ Brad Hand.  For a change of pace, this game saw Wang beating Hand.

A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  He reminded me of this classic post by Rudy.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-3 yesterday and a homer on Saturday.  He should be playing every day, but he’s not.  I feel like someone should write a song titled, “The 28-Year-Old Rookie.”  Belle and Sebastian, where you at?

Jordan Pacheco – Batted third yesterday and went 0-for-4, but is hitting .320 over the last week with a homer.  He did so little in Triple-A this year, it’s kinda comical (3 homers, 2 steals, .278).  Guess if you’re really hogtied in a very deep league, you can take a look.

Allen Craig – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Before this game, he hadn’t done much since he started, uh, starting.  But maybe this is the beginning of something.  Only Miss Cleo knows for sure.

Matt Holliday – Inferred here first after reading shizz elsewhere, it sounds like Holliday’s done for the year.

Mariano Rivera – Tied Trevor Hoffman’s save record.  Right after he breaks the record, the Yankees announced Bobby Parnell would take over as closer.

Mike Moustakas was called up!  No, he wasn’t! Yeah, he was, random italicized voice, why are you giving me a hard time?  Keeping you honest. Since nothing’s changed since last time I went over him but the date, here’s what I said in the offseason, “Last year, he spent time at Double and Triple-A.  Not at the same time, that would be some Multiplicity shizz.  In 484 ABs, he hit 36 homers and batted .322.  As they say in Moustakas’ home country, “Wow.”  (He’s from L.A.)  Then they would throw a glass into the fireplace and spray some Windex.  This past year saw Moustakas named the Texas League Player of the Year, which is more prestigious than the Koo Koo Roo Employee of the Year, but only barely.  As his skipper said, “(Moustakas) missed the first 16 games of the season and by midseason he was leading the league in all the categories.  And where’s Gilligan?!” And that’s me quoting me!  This year, more of the same.  In 55 games, 10 home runs.  I’ll conservatively give him 40/15/50/.280 in 275 at-bats.  He’s a pick up in every league for his eligibility alone.  To get all Iliad on you, it’s Moustakas of Troy that launched a thousand homers.  It’s also no accident that my iPhone wanted to autocorrect “Moustakas of Troy” into moistened trousers.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – Was sent down to make room for Moustakas.  The Royals obviously wanted to see more of Chris Getz.  Well, I guess the Royals can only make one intelligent decision at a time.

Dustin Pedroia – Has just a knee bruise, won’t need surgery and could return on Friday.  That’s awesome news!  A guy who has been downright terrible because of his ailing knee only needs one day of rest.  Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Extra I’s for sarcastic emphasis.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.18 on the year.  The biggest compliment I can give any player is I wish I owned them.  I wish I owned Romero.  (Now I will receive trade offers of Romero for Stanton.  Rudy and I were noticing that our Stanton receives by far the most offers to take over his services.  And that might be only interesting to Rudy and me.)

Mike Stanton – Hit his 14th homer this year.  Speaking of which, he’s going to hit 35 homers this year.  You can count on one hand the guys I’d give a better than 50% shot at 35 homers — Pujols, Fielder, Bautista, Teixeira and Stanton.  There’s others with a 25% chance, but not that many.

Chris Snyder – Out for the season with back surgery.  Sounds like a good excuse for a year pass to Burke Williams.  What?  I gotta speak to our three lady readers too sometimes.  Hey, ladies!

Jerry Sands – The guy who sounds like a 1960′s casino owner was sent back down to the hole in the Albuquerque desert where the Dodgers’ Triple-A affiliate plays.

Trevor Cahill – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  For some reason this guy has a bunch of supporters that come out of the woodwork when I say he’s not as good as he was showing.  Not entirely sure why and I’m pretty sure no one’s going to say anything after he pitches poorly.  Wait until after his next good start, then we’ll hear from them.  For what it’s Wuertz, since I told you in early May he was due for a correction, he has a 4.68 ERA.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He now has a 1.82 ERA on the year.  If you think he’s a sub-2 ERA pitcher, I have a box of Jose Canseco Sportflix cards to sell you.  And, when he regresses to a 3.00 ERA, he still won’t have any Ks.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-3 with his 6th home run.  Luckily, the big man asked for a five count King Kong Bundy-style, cause he needed a four and a half before he showed signs.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2 with a triple.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA is better than Gallardo’s.  Stab me in the eye.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Member in my preseason rankings when I put Hamilton much lower than any other ‘perts because of his injury history and how he had a 10 homer season in 2009?  He’s on pace for around 10 homers right now.  We’ll see if he gets there after his inevitable next DL stint.

Jonny Venters – Notched his 2nd save of the season.  Fredi Gonzalez said that they just needed to give Kimbrel rest.  Then he winked twice and nudged the reporter.  When asked about the double wink nudge, Fredi pulled his ear.  The reporter then asked if he was playing charades and Fredi touched his nose.

Joba Chamberlain – Might need Tommy John surgery.  I don’t remember that being a part of the 5-step Joba Rules plan laid out by Cashman, but I didn’t read the whole document.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His season ERA is 1.93.  I will not say anything else for fear my typees will put the jinx on.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s coming in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Still not as pretty as I think he can look but he gets the Padres next.  That’s usually the soup for what ails you.

Eric Young Jr. – He’s a tiny guy.  Are we sure the manager knows he’s there?

David Hernandez – He got the save because Putz was stiff.  Hehe… Can grab Hernandez for potential vulture saves, but Putz is said to be up and moving in the right direction.  Hehe…

Bob Geren – The A’s manager was replaced by Bob Melvin.  They should’ve got Bob the Builder.

Ryan Madson – Blew his first save of the year.  Hopefully this doesn’t open the flood gates and he goes back to a Cuddle Boy who can’t handle the pressure.  Charlie Manuel met with the press after the game in overalls and no shirt underneath, which caused all the reporters to flee so no word at this time, but I’m sure Madson’s fine.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 and his 4th home run.  This ever happen to you — some players do nothing for so long you forget that they’re still playing?  That’s been Geovany for me.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Speaking of players I thought suddenly retired months ago and I had just forgot about.  Member when Delmon was a can’t miss prospect?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  Boy, the way Damian Miller played…Dongs to make the hit parade…Guys like Gus Bell, they had it made…

Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone.  When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place.  He couldn’t.  Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job.  Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties.  Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it.  So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab.  His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further.  It’s not a good day to own Sandoval.  Yesterday wasn’t very good either.  Tomorrow probably won’t be much better.  Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point.  When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen.  Why does he have an anus in his stomach?

Ian Desmond – Here’s one that made me do a double take.  Ian Desmond has 10 steals.  Zoinks!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.

Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon.  Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name.  This is a boost for Trumbo.  Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.

Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove.  Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”

Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend.  Sonavabench!  Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year.  And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.

Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus.  That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.

Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90′s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters.  “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs.  Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World?  Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?

Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down.  Too bad, so sad.

Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A.  His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.

James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday.  [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere.  [/Grey's stupid]

Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers.  You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.

Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness.  I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.

Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Didn’t look terrible.  Yeah, not a huge compliment.  Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board.  In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him.  He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP.  Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo?  You POS’s.

Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence.  I’m not worried.  Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.

Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.

Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me!  So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.

Carlos Lee – He was hurt in a collision with Angel Sanchez.  El Caballo was taken off the field as the Astros put the cart before the horse.

Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out.  Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks.  His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad.  Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.

Justin Morneau – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only one off Melky Cabrera’s 2 homers.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year.  How is that possible?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, what the eff?

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs.  Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals.  Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of.  A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average).  Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Yeah, I have no idea either.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K.  Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings.  So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.

Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days.  Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.

Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers.  There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.

David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice.  Pun Master P, “Brilliant!”  Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base.  If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.

Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand.  X-rays came back negative which is actually positive.  Weird!

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year.  Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco.  They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year.  Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.

Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery.  Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse.  Well, not really.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd.  Good start, good start, good start, terrible start.  It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose.  Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!