Fantasy Baseball Advice

They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland.  If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis.  And pasted it in Kipnis’s face.  And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that.  Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019?  Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis.  In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder.  Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis.  I did too.  So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235.  That’s big to the whoop.  I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing.  He’s young, i.e. raw, i.e. except after C.  The one advantage he has to Chisenhall is he has more speed.  Bats can get lost in the travel from Triple-A, but you ain’t losing your speed, assuming we’re not talking about mules.  Because Kipnis has good position eligibility, he’s worth a flyer across most mixed leagues that use a middle infidel for the upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Orlando Hudson – Ran into a fence and needed to be helped off the field.  Orlando Hudson was like vintage Michael Jackson.  Off the Wall!

Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4, 2 steals and batting third for the Friars.  Now has 7 steals in the last 6 games.  It’s like he’s driving a DeLorean with Ron LeFlore in the go-go 80′s when everyone was on coke.  None of this Red Bull crap!  At this point, you have to own Maybin across all leagues until he cools off.  Also, I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he’s here now.  No more Maybin for you!

Will Venable – 2-for-5 with his 18th steal.  Now has a homer and 3 steals in the last three games.  As a commenter was kind enough to point out the other day, Venable is a beast in road games.

Kyle Blanks – Anthony Rizzo was sent back down and the pushing-three-hundred-pounds Blanks was recalled.  Now all three Padre fans can go to the park and be like, “Why is there a Nate Colbert statue on first base?  Oh, that’s Kyle Blanks!”  Randy Jones BBQ stand in right field better up their meat order.  That’s not a solar eclipse, that’s Kyle Blanks letting out his afro.  Hey, Orlando, Kyle Blanks doesn’t run into walls.  He runs through them.  Blanks, “Who likes Kool-Aid?”  Okay, I’m a big fan of Blanks.  If you need power, he’s about as good as they come.  He was averaging around one home run every fifth game in the minor leagues this year and can do close to the same in the majors, even in Petco.  His average may not sniff .250, so it’s an all or nothing proposition.  Kinda like the difference between being in front or behind him at a buffet.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the 1927 Padres.  Vazquez takes your trust and defecates on it.

Emilio Bonifacio – Has now hit in 20 straight games and has 19 steals.  That’s nothing.  His brother Charlie just snorted 5 lines and had sex with 2 hookers.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with pain in his wrist.  His fantasy owners should be pist.  That’s injury problems for an Orlando and two CarGo’s in two days.  I would not feel good about my luggage if I was on a Disney Cruise right now.  Sounds like Carlos Gonzalez is headed to the DL.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 with his 5th steal.  Job just became more secure with the recurrence of CarGo’s wrist issue.  Hopefully Dexter proves to be more than a serial average killer.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER for the conshellation prize, which was more than Jhoulys Chacin could say with his 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (7 walks) and 4 Ks.  Now the 2nd straight poor start for both starters.  Hanson gets the somehow-in-first-even-though-they-don’t-have-a-1st-baseman Pirates next and Chacin gets the Dodgers in Maybe We Should Sell The Naming Rights To Dodgers Stadium, How Does Dreamworks Stadium Sound?  Two decent matchups, though Chacin faces Kershaw.

Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4 to up his average to .265.  Is .265 the new .320?  Adam Dunn and Dan Uggla raise their hand.  Anyone else?  I think there should be a new rule that anyone who doesn’t hit over .310, 50 HRs or steal 60 bases can’t have their first name on the back of their jersey.  I suppose, to Ich his own.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu stole two bases yesterday, but his average is .183.   After having stomach issues earlier in the year, he hasn’t been a regular on the field or on the pot.

Miguel Olivo – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I don’t want to belabor this for fear of an aneurysm, but Olivo never hits one home run and disappears.  He hits four home runs in twelve games then disappears.  I provide the information, what you do with it is your choice.

Jake Westbrook – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Westbrook had everything going against him.  He was an unemployed single parent that could barely take care of his kids.  Then he got a job at a law office and single-handedly brought down a California power company.  Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of the Erin Brockovich DVD.  Westbrook isn’t someone I’d pick up with your team.

Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (or is it just actor nowadays?)) has been hit hard in his last few starts (13 ER in 16 2/3 IP), but with the Ks he keeps doing it and doing it and doing it well.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has that weird Dempster thing going for him.  Mediocre reliever reinvents himself as a great starter.  Somebody make Kevin Gregg a starter!

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Season ERA is now 1.81.  According to Elias, only five pitchers in modern baseball have had a sub-2 ERA after 20 starts.  Elias also said, “Our batting average with women who like baseball and math is under the Mendoza line.”

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with a bad knee and a sports hernia.  That’s what happens when you try to do a hilarious ‘knee to the balls’ blooper all by yourself.

To discuss Francisco Liriano at Razzball HQ, I gathered the Random Italicized Voice, MR. AL CAPS and Larry King.  After eating me out of house and home — “The selection was pretty meager.  Freezer pops, really?” “NOT A THING TO DRINK,” “Anyone see where I put down my teeth?” –  we talked about Liriano.  He started off in the preseason in my top 10 starters for 2011.  “That call looks as pretty as Rocky Dennis.“  “YOU SHOULD’VE FOLLOWED THAT CALL WITH SAYING TYLER COLVIN WOULD HIT 40 HOME RUNS.”  “I wonder if my teeth are in the bathroom.”  April saw Liriano’s ERA balloon to 9.13 and a lot of talk about how the Twins asked him to throw to contact.  Yeah, why strike out guys when you can have hitters hit balls into holes?  “I’d like to hit some of my random italicized balls into holes.“  “NICE ONE, RIV!”  “Hey, what do you know?  I clipped the potato bag closed with my teeth.”  In May, Liriano had an ERA of 2.52 and a no hitter, but he still didn’t look completely right.  In June, he’s given up one earned run in 13 innings.  More importantly, he has more Ks than innings pitched.  After his June 7th start, I said that was the best he’s looked all year, including the no-hitter.  On Sunday, he looked better — 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks and 9 Ks vs. the Rangers.  He’s not at 100% owned in ESPN, I’d go ahead and fix that.  Also, if you can get a Liriano owner to think he’s selling high, I’d see if I could still buy low.  Remember some of these owners are still dealing with early season scars when he looked like hot garbage.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Supposed to return on Thursday.  I’ll give him an over/under of 7 home runs on the year.  I’ll give him and Morneau combined an over/under of 14 homers.  Or two less than The Drubal has right now.  “Why do I own Morneau in multiple leagues?”  That’s me standing on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Mike Napoli – Headed to the DL with a strained oblique.  The bad news is he’ll probably miss three to four weeks.  The good news is it’s three to four weeks without questioning why Napoli isn’t playing.  If humans use 10% of their brains and 7% of that is used with Napoli questions, suddenly you’re all gonna be like Travolta in Phenomenon.  Forget picking up a free agent catcher, pick up a tractor trailer with a wiggle of your finger.

Miguel Olivo – Hit two more home runs on Sunday.  All he does is hit home runs!  (For a week or two then goes crazy cold.)

Justin Smoak – Hit his 2nd home run in the last three days, now has 12 on the year.  I think next year he’s going to be terrific, but this year he might just be a tad better than Mitch Moreland.  BTW, who names their kid, Mitch?  That’s one of the few times the long form of a name — Mitchell — is far preferable.  Hmm, looking again at the Google Map of this post, it looks like I could’ve avoided the Mitch detour.

Bartolo Colon – To the 15 day DL.  When Colon heard he had a strained hammy, he asked if it was glazed.

Jorge Posada – 2-for-3 and is now only six points away in average from Russell Martin (.226 vs. .232).  That’s not a positive for Posada, but a negative for Russell Martin, who I told people to sell back in April.

Derek Jeter – 7 from 3,000.  Tony Gwynn said the last ten hits are the hardest to 3,000.  Gwynn, “Until you get those last 10 hits, you won’t even enjoy the activity you enjoy most.  For you, that’s probably banging Minka Kelly.  For me, it was eating Big Macs.”

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with a foot injury, which for the Harangatuan could be his hands, not sure.  Since Dustin Moseley is also ailing, Wade LeBlanc could fill in the rotation.  In deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues, he’s a decent Hodgepadre flyer.

Anthony Rizzo – Homered on Saturday.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

John Axford – Recorded his 18th save to go along with his 2.97 ERA.  Member when you dropped him the first week of the season?  Yeah, I’d suggest Ritalin for the Attention Deficit Drops.

Dustin Pedroia – Since the knee scare, he’s actually been great.  Yesterday, he hit a home run, before that two three-hit days.  Maybe I was irrationally worried about his knee, or maybe I just couldn’t put my finger on his can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.

David Ortiz – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 17th home run while sporting a .325 average.  His collapse next year is gonna catch some fantasy owners off guard, but think about the poor schmuck who’s gonna give him a 3-year, $45 million contract.  Ed Wade’s Toupee, “If we had a DH, I’d consider it.  We don’t have a DH, right?”

Kyle Drabek – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Will have a nice career at some point, but right now he looks like five kinds of wrong with a side of meh.  Speaking of meh, Super 8, though it ended up being just disappointing because of expectations.  How does J.J. Abrams go wrong with Close Encounters meets E.T. meets Stand By Me?  Only thing that could have been more disappointing is if David Simon was somehow involved, but he’s busy disappointing me with Treme.  I will say I would like to see an updated Goonies built around the pyromaniac kid with braces.  Finally we have a new Mouth.  If that kid isn’t mainlining heroin within 5 years because of all the money he’s about to make, he should fire his parents.

Hunter Pence – Sat out Sunday with a sore back.  I have a sore “lacking a 2nd outfielder” on my fantasy teams, so hopefully it’s not a major issue.

Allen Craig – To the DL.  Hopefully, the Rays call up Desmond Jennings soon.  What does that have to do with Allen Craig?  Nothing.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Left the game early rubbing his index finger.  He was either injured or playing charades with his name.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, hitting .321 with 5 homers and no steals on the year.  He is such an empty average and, when that falls to .300, you’re gonna be left with even less.

Scott Elbert – Got the Dodgers first save in 3 weeks.  This was just a situational save; I wouldn’t run out and add Elbert.  I would add Elbert before Roeper though.  He was worse for their show than Ebert’s cancer.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5 with only his 2nd slam and legs this year, as his owners hunger for more.  He now has 9 homers and 10 steals.  He’s just about on pace for where I thought he’d be.

J.P. Howell – Ye of the 10+ ERA got the save yesterday even though Farnsworth wasn’t overworked on Saturday.  I think it was just a one time thing for Thurston and Lovey’s kid, but it’s worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Mark Reynolds – On Saturday, he hit 2 home runs.  On Sunday, he left the game with a left arm contusion, according to ESPN.  Is it me or are teams using the word contusion a lot recently?  Was contusion just the Word of the Day at Dictionary.com?  Did Selig send around a memorandum that teams should start using contusion?  It’s a bruise, people.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He’s been better than Heyward.  Cust kayin’.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-3 with his 8th home run and first since May 15th.  Or the first home run for Uggla since we lost the rapper of Teach Me How To Dougie.  Good to see Uggla’s finally putting that behind him.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle Name:  Butter.

Craig Kimbrel – Venters recorded his 3rd save on Sunday but the word on the streets of Atlanta is Kimbrel is still the closer, he just needed to rest.  Here’s a revolutionary idea, rest him during non-save situations.

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday but he’s now given up 8 earned runs in his last three outings.  I could see grabbing Thornton on spec, but I’d leave him on my bench for now.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 2nd home run in the last 4 days.  An Uggla and Dunn homer on the same day.  It’s a total eclipse of a bad start.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  He went 3-for-4 on Friday and has been playing every day.  If you’re hurting at middle or corner infidel, it’s worth looking at him.

Tyler Chatwood – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he got Mazzacred.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I love him, enough’s been written on that.  But, let’s be clear, against the Padres in Petco isn’t exactly facing the 1927 Yankees in Coors.

Elvis Andrus – Was pulled from the game for a lack of energy going to first.  Ron Washington, “Was setting an example, but I know about wanting to savor it when you go down a line…”

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Yeah, yeah, fail with a hashtag for Alcides, but he’s 10 for his last 17 with 2 steals.

Mike Moustakas – Homered on Saturday.  The Royals should hand out bottles of tahini and have their fans squirt each other in the face after a home run.  It’s Greek love!

I’ve given much love to Desmond Jennings already on this blog, and since what I’ve previously wrote still works, indulge me for a second, “Desmond’s time is nigh, a word that only sounds negative.  DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects.  He’s ranked number one for me.  Numero uno.  The Big Mahoff.  Dora the Explorer, Boots the Monkey and Swiper the Fox all wrapped in one!  (What, not street enough?)  If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford.  More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford.  Say a Carlford.  You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!”  And that’s me quoting me!  In 2010, he swiped 37 bags with a .362 OBP in Triple-A.  In only 57 games in Triple-A this year, 9 homers and 10 steals.  Somebody gag Sam Fuld, put a gorilla suit on him and send him to Africa.  We want Jennings.  *fast-herpes-medication-side-effect-voice*  Fuld should be benched any day now for Jennings’ call-up.  Or in the next week or so.  It’s worth the flyer for upside.  If conditions persist for longer than 48 hours, call your doctor.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dee Gordon – Gordon is so fast he just ran into Kitchen Stadium, spit on Michael Symon’s head, buffed it and ran out without Alton even noticing.  I see no reason why you shouldn’t own Gordon everywhere for a few weeks to see if he not only sticks but steals some bases.  For more on my Dee Gordon fantasy, see that link.  I wrote it while picking out all the strawberry Dippin’ Dots from the Banana Split mix.

Jemile Weeks – I’m less excited about Jemile because his power and speed aren’t of the game-changing variety.  Could he get hot and be a worthwhile pickup in all leagues?  Do I call 16-year-old girls that are dressed too old for their age prostitots?  Yes and yes.

Cord Phelps – Um…Well…He has patience.  Great, go back to school and become a kindergarten teacher.  He’s all right in AL-Only leagues where anyone with a starting job is worth owning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s better than Cord Phelps, who is one of those guys you have to say both his names for it to sound right, but Sizemore’s playing time is a bit iffier.

Anthony Rizzo – I just went over my Anthony Rizzo fantasy.  I wrote that while riding an ostrich through downtown Detroit.

Mike Carp – He was hitting the dickens out the ball in the PCL, but since that’s so hitter friendly I wouldn’t have great expectations.

Mike Moustakas – I just went over my Mike Moustakas fantasy.  Scroll down, it’ll burn calories and then you can have some extra dessert.

Chris Johnson – He’s pretty yawnstipating but he has been hitting better this month.  Do what you will with that information.  Keep in mind, you may have to hold a gun to my head in the comments to tell you to pick him up.  Or I guess you could just ask me if I like him or Chone Figgins.

Miguel Olivo – He’s hitting home runs.  Plural-ing there on purpose, because he doesn’t ever hit just one.  He’s like the Lay’s of catchers.

Charlie Blackmon – Dexter Fowler is sidelined due to sucking so the Rox called up Blackmon.  Blackmon is actually an exciting flyer if this wasn’t the Rockies who have 5 great upside flyers per position.  Hey, Rockies, take a cue from the Astros and get boring.  Thank you!

Lucas Duda – Supposed to be called up today.  Zip-a-dee-Duda, zip-a-dee-ay.  My, oh my, what a Duda day.  He has slightly-above average power and no speed.  Outside of very deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d wait to see what Duda brings to the Camptown Races.

Ben Revere – He feels like one of those short-term plays that actually stays in your fantasy lineup for much longer because he’s producing.  Wherever you’re struggling with a 5th outfielder, I’d give him a shot.

Nyjer Morgan – Here’s the situation, last year Chris Volstad hit Nyjer Morgan with a pitch, Nyjer Morgan charged the mound and got mollywhopped.  Cut to last week, Nyjer comes up to face Volstad and takes him deep.  The face on Nyjer as he trotted around the bases sorta made him my new favorite player ever in everdom.  Then I dug into what other shenanigans he’s been up to and I found a video that sums him up in a big ball of crazy.  He gets the walk-off hit and had no idea, he thought his team was winning.  Yes, he thought his team was winning even though they were the home team and it was the ninth inning.  I love you, Nyjer.  Don’t ever change, or get arrested for whatever drugs you’re on.  Oh, as for fantasy, he’s on the strong side of a platoon and can steal.

Jason Bourgeois – If you can swap him in and out of your lineup, you may get 30+ steals from a part-time player.  Cust kayin’.

Xavier Paul – He could be 12-team mixed league worthy if he had a starting job.  Unfortunately, he’s not the fortunate one.  In NL-Only daily leagues, I’d grab him, but you gotta be ready to put your keys in the fish bowl and swap.

Rubby de la Rosa – There’s something so rhythmic about the last name de la Rosa that you can put any name in front and it sounds cool.  “Hola, compadres, Grey de la Rosa aqui, let’s talk fantasy!”  See?  The great thing about Rubby is he can strike out hitters.  Though he does walk people, that’s the rub(by).

Edinson Volquez – “Striking out and walking people?  That’s my bag, baby!”  That’s Volquez reading the last blurb.

Dillon Gee – You know the Hodpadres get a lot of love here, but the guys toeing the rubber in Metco seem underappreciated.  I’m about to course correct.  Hope you ain’t too cool for the safe belt.

Jon Niese – His home ERA is 2.76.  Okay, course corrected.

Charlie Morton – I’ve been telling you to pick him up since April.  He has a 2.52 ERA.  It won’t stay that low, but, c’mon, you can still own him.

Javy Guerra – “Muahahahahahaha…”  That’s Mattingly laughing at you trying to figure out who his closer is.

Jon Rauch – Farrell said Rauch is the Blue Jays closer.  Then Farrell sang, “Tattoos make great necks…They’ll make great necks!”

SELL

Justin Morneau – Your best bet at this point is to pull off The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending).  The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) is when you take an underwhelming star and trade them for someone else’s headache.  Because, really, what else are you going to do with this schmohawk at this point?  If you can’t pull off a Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending), in most 12 team and under leagues, it’s time to cut bait.  He’s playing hurt and he looks like he should be shutdown.

Adam Dunn – I’ve ranked these four Sell candidates for The Patented Flip-Flop Flop* (*Patent pending) in order of least chance of a rebound to greatest.  I’m worried about Dunn more than Uggla because of the position eligibility and because of Ozzie.  It wouldn’t surprise me to see Ozzie sit Dunn vs. all lefties moving forward even if he starts hitting.  Not saying Dunn shouldn’t sit vs. them but it’ll hurt his counting stats either way.  Or Ethier way.  I do think Dunn can still get to 30 home runs, but the average and counting stats will probably be poor.

Dan Uggla – It’s as simple as the nose on your face (and the eye patch you wear just for looks).  If Uggla hits .220 and 25 home runs at 2nd base, it’s not good, but it would be worse at 1st base.  Am I trading a decent guy for him?  No, I’m not.  I would trade one of the two above schmohawks for him though.  And I’d trade Josh Tomlin for him.  And other players of that ilk.  And, yes, ilk is as douchey a word to write as it is to say.

Shin-Soo Choo – You know when they say a player just has to get out of his own way?  Yeah, I don’t know who they are, but they could’ve been talking about Choo.  Nothing wrong with Choo other than he’s in a shame spiral about his DUI and he’s about to commit seppuku.  He just needs a good talking to and maybe a marathon bukkake session and Choo will be back doing what he do.  I’d still sell him, I just wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon for a Segway tour of the South Bronx.

Anyone who’s read this site for a minute — an urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows I have love for Adam Lind.  In an age when the home run is scarce — wow, that sounded like a Ken Burns voiceover — Lind has big time power.  I’m a fan.  Have the pin that reads, “Lind-a-want-stats!”  Sorry, that’s a square pun in a round hole.  Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 2 homers in his 2nd game back from the DL.  He can still get 30 homers and hits in the heart of a solid order.  I wouldn’t be scared of him, he might just do his best not-this-season Dunn impression.  BTW, Bautista hasn’t hit a homer in 7 games, what a loser!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Shin-Soo Choo – Says DUI is affecting play.  Assuming he doesn’t have to drive relievers in from the bullpen, I say just start drinking before games again.

Jake Peavy – 4 IP, 6 ER.  CBS reported Peavy left start with (groin).  Frankly, I’d be worried if he left a game without (groin).

Alexi Casilla – 7 for his last 11 with three steals.  The window of usability  for Casilla will probably be shorter than Intellivision’s but he’s hot and stealing bases.

Albert Pujols – Clubbed second straight walk off home run.  I know that because it was the big story on Baseball Tonight with, like, seventeen exclamation marks.  Pujols!  Rawr!  He’s back!  Did he go anywhere?  Also, since I usually just watch the games, this was the first time I saw Baseball Tonight in a few years.  I was surprised to find out Doug Glanville has a job.  You think ESPN is like, “Hey, we need a color man– I mean a color commenter–  I mean a commenter– Let’s just hire someone before we get sued.”  Also, Jayson and Laynce Nix’s sister’s got a job.  Her name is Wendi Nix and she has about as much personality as a ill-formed origami crane.  Zach Braddock didn’t have a sleeping disorder, he was just watching too much Wendi Nix.

Lance Berkman – Sat out yesterday after getting a cortisone injection in his wrist.  No more eczema for him.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s no rhyme or reason why he should be pitching this well but like Collmenter before him, you should just ride the tiny ship in the bottle or whatever that cliché is.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s whatever, but this is about my trip up to San Fran this weekend.  I took in a game at Long Distance Carrier Park.  The Giants offense is pathetic.  Without Posey, Belt (out at least a month) and Sandoval, they don’t have one hitter to worry about.  They batted the Latin 37 Tejada, who’s hitting .218 with 1 home run on the year, second.  I’d throw just about any pitcher at them.  On a side note, Giants made such a big deal about Bonds and the record and sticking their heads in the sand when he was selling out their stadium.  Yet, I didn’t see one picture or mention of him anywhere inside the park.  It was like he was Keyser Söze.

Mark Reynolds – Back to back games with a homer.  All brays to Mini Donkey! (But he only has two hits in the last five games.  He’s looking less donkey and more Rob Deer.)

Chris Narveson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, which comes after starts of 4 IP, 5 ER and 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, he’s completely unownable right now.  Pretty K-rate or not.

Brandon Inge – Out with mono.  Bronson Arroyo just had mono.  Cust kayin’.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t think this means he’s done being relevant; he just wasn’t a sub-3.00 ERA pitcher to begin with.  This start did make me happy though, since I foolishly dropped him the first week of the season, and really this is all about me.

Hanley Ramirez – First, he mucks up your team for two months with poor play then he fails to go on the DL for a week.  Hanley doesn’t care about you.

Travis Wood – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Like a satisfied beaver, I’m done with Wood for now.  Beaver, the animal.  Geez.  It’s with regret it had to come to this, because I do think he has great stuff, but you have to look elsewhere.  Just way too unpredictable.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last few weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Drew Storen – 1/3 IP, 3 ER yesterday and 8 earned runs in his last 6 appearances.  Riggleman took forever to name Storen the closer but won’t take as long to remove him.  Sean Burnett would be the handcuff.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 17th and 18th home runs.  If PABST (Post-All-Star Break’s Stats Teixeira) stays bubbling in the 2nd half as is his wont, he’s heading for an MVP year.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-3 and his 3rd home run and 8th RBI in the last two days.  His career is bouncing back a lot better than Chris Brown in the wake of a Rihanna breakup.

Vicente Padilla – Was due back but neck pain has kept him on the DL.  Who’s the Dodgers closer?  Flip a coin.

Rafael Furcal – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Vague!  I’d drop Furcal unless you have “Days on the DL” as a category in your league.

C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  To be honest, I have a blind spot, middle relievers that become starters.  At this point, if they convert LaTroy Hawkins to a starter, I’m gonna throw my hands in the air and say he’ll be great.

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 with his 8th home run as he bats .313 on the year.   I’d love to push him more, but he’s a platoon guy at this point.  He either doesn’t play vs. lefties or doesn’t hit them, which hurts his counting stats (on pace for around 60 RBIs on the year).

Jonathan Papelbon – Daniel Bard got the save yesterday after Papelbon lost his shizz on Saturday with a three run third of an inning and bumped the umpire.  Now Papelbon might get punished by the league.  I’d fine any goofy white guy for chest bumping too.

Joakim Soria – A clean outing or two away from reclaiming the closer job.  Makes sense in a non-sarcastic way.

Jordan Lyles – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure be easier to say I don’t like him if he were to give up like 12 baserunners or something.  Well, due to the inexperience and the Astros behind him, you have to be careful starting him in any mixed leagues right now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 11th home run and stole his 6th base.  How does he have only 2 less steals than Bourjos?  Not rhetorical!

Carlos Beltran – Left the game after fouling a ball off his ankle.  He’ll probably miss two months.  I’m only half joking.

Miguel Olivo – It’s with much regret I inform you that Olivo now has three homers in three straight games.  I don’t have anything against Olivo per se, but I know as soon as I write Olivo hits them in bunches like he’s dating the Chiquita Banana lady people are gonna come out of the woodwork in the comments asking if they should lose their catcher for Olivo.

Evan Longoria – Rested on Sunday and will return Monday.  Sounds like someone has a God complex.

Ben Zobrist had a pretty good day yesterday.  A double slam and legs and 10 RBIs.  Zobrist’s wife, an aspiring singer of Christian pop music, wrote a song about Zobrist’s day called, “The Day The Lord Shined His Lovelight On Ben.”  Its B-side is “Here’s The Church, Here’s The Steeple, God’s Fifth Outfielder Is Jason Kubel.”  Both are pretty catchy.  Kirk Cameron would rock them on his iPod.  He’d unironically say, “Holy smokes!  These are awesome!”  Zobrist had a great day, doesn’t mean he’s the meow’s cat.  His value may never be higher if you’re thinking you’d like to trade him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his first home run of the year as he went Mono y Mano with the pitcher.

Sam Fuld – Led off and went 0-for-9 in the the doubleheader where the Rays scored 21 runs combined.  That’s a ticker tease of epic proportions.  After the game, a teammate touched Fuld’s shoulder and said, “You’ll get ‘em next time.” and turned away.  Fuld responded, “That’s not why I was here.  I just wanted to see this team reach its potential.”  The befuddled teammate turned around and Fuld was gone.

Edwin Jackson – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I saw nothing worthwhile here, but it was against the Yankees, so I’m giving him one more start.  That’s it.

Travis Snider – He’s evidently not taking notes in Dwayne Murphy’s class (.181 AVG w/ no power) so the Blue Jays are sending him to detention (aka AAA).  The Blue Jay LF will be manned by either SAGNOFs (Patterson, Podesdnik) or a BAGNOG (Brother Ain’t Got No Glove) like Juan Rivera.

Adam Lind – Homer yesterday, now has 3 homers in 3 days.  He’s not at 100% in ESPN leagues, but then again Manny’s still owned in 12% of ESPN leagues, so I’m not sure those ownership numbers mean anything.

Alex White – Called up to replace Carrasco in the rotation.  Had a hot start in AAA, but his previous year in AA was nothing great.  Throws a decent amount of ground balls with good Ks this year, but last year it was just okay Ks (stutterer!).  Best case scenario for him is Britton, which is terrific, fabulous, wonderful.  His worst case scenario is roofie’ing you and dousing your naughty bits with Sriracha.  For now, I wouldn’t go near him outside of AL-Only or deep mixed leagues.

Travis Hafner – Sat out yesterday with a sore ankle.  Never hear about sore cankles.  Another vote for cankles!  I wonder if we can convince Zobrist’s wife to help put together a ‘We Are The World’ for cankles.

Shelley Duncan – Homered then ripped Chief Wahoo’s arm off with a high five.

Grady Sizemore – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  I’ll be honest, I’m hesitant to buy in.  He abused me so many times, I flinch when I watch him.  But I’ll Be Honest, Part II:  More Honesty, he could hit 25 homers and steal 15 bags.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is it me or does it seem like he’s pitching well every time out?  It’s obviously me because Carmona has an ERA of 5.15.  So he is pitching well, but only compared to Gallardo, Edwin Jackson or Liriano.  As the Irish Justin Timberlake says, crimey a river!

Joe Mauer – Twins said Mauer wasn’t ready for the start of the season and he can’t resume any baseball activities yet.  No spitting, no scratching himself.

Miguel Olivo – Hit cleanup, replacing Kennedy.  Will now be known as Miguel Baines Olivo.  MBO has 2 homers in the last three games.  He hits them in bunches.  I’d say he’d be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  I’m telling you about him now.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.01 and a WHIP of 1.07.  I have one thing to say, it sounds like, I wish I owned him sum wear.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I almost made him a sell for this afternoon’s post because his K-rate (prior to this game) and his xFIP (or ‘What’s an Ex-Fip?’ as Murray Chass calls it) was absurd.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal as he gets his BUPKIS in order.

Kendrys Morales – With pain lingering when he running, he’s off to see a specialist.  Sylvester Stallone?

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The Giants love Vogelsong in a Sting-like way.  First, there was the tantric, never-quite-orgasmic prospect years (2000-2001).  Second, they set him free, shipping him off to sea (the Pirates) like a message in a bottle.  Third, he came back (which I think is the point of the ‘If You Love Somebody Set Them Free’ song otherwise it makes little sense, right?) older and wiser, having pitched in the minors and Japan for the past 5 years.  All that said, he has a career ERA of 5.77 and WHIP of 1.577.  Pick him up only if you’re the King of Pain.

Ryan Zimmerman – Played catch yesterday and Mark Zuckerman, from CSN Washington, said Zimmerman “won’t be back for awhile.”  But they fail to mention that it was a lovely father-son moment.

Roger Bernadina – Whatever, the Nats are stoopid.

Nick Swisher – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  I didn’t like Swisher in the preseason and this was his first good game, but if someone grew tired of his shenanigans I’d grab him to see if he’s about to get hot.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-3, 3 runs and the slam & legs.  Now if he could only pitch for my fantasy teams…

Ryan Dempster – 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Abe Froman may be the sausage king of Chicago but Ryan takes a sausage in the Dempster like a king.