Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.

Randy Wells spells relief with D-R-O-P H-I-M.  3 2/3 IP, 3 ER in his previous start.  4 IP, 5 ER yesterday.  If this were an SAT question, the next game’s line in this series is 4 1/3 IP and 7 ER.  Four months of a 3 ERA is a good run, right?  Send him a postcard in March when he’s down in Arizona.  Or send him a basket of Port Wine cheese logs from Cracker Barrel.  Whatever.  He’ll forgive you for dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m Rockwell, and I’m watching you.  Now punt Jackson.

Brett Tomko – Shut down for the season.  Who makes a deal with the devil for only three weeks?  I know Dorian Gray.  You, sir, are not him.

Willie Bloomquist – 4-for-5 yesterday and he’s hitting .500 over the last week.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here.  You get the gist… Or is it the ‘quist?

Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, Now batting .205.  [sarcasm] Yeah, the Royals were totally wrong to hold him down in the minors for financial reasons.  He’s totally producing now. [/sarcasm]

Zach Greinke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks.  Left the game with some swelling after a comebacker hit him on the elbow.  Word on the streets of Steve Balboni Blvd. is Greinke will be fine for his next start.

Miguel Olivo – Another homer yesterday.  Telling you right now, if you wait longer than a week.  He’ll be ice cold again.  He’s like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 30th homer yesterday.  I wonder if after the game he got an Olivo hug.  (<–It’s called a hunch!)

John Danks – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Danks’s win got ganked by a jenky Jenks.  Say that fast 5 times.  Actually, don’t.  It’s a waste of time.

Brandon Morrow – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  He’s walking too many and we (me and you… I’m actually sitting next to you — Hey!) don’t have time for him to correct himself.  He gets the Rays next, which isn’t an awful start, but it’s highly risky right now.

Wade Davis – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  This start and his last start (2 2/3 IP, 8 ER) epitomizes the rookie pitcher.  You like to ride the roller coaster, but sometimes you end up vomiting.

Shane Victorino – Speaking of vomiting, Victorino has food poisoning and will miss a day or two as he’s now, The Upchucking Hawaiian.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  This is a pretty comical set-up Manuel’s configured here.  If the Phils are up by three runs, they bring in Lidge for the save.  1 or 2 runs, it’s Madson.  That’s gotta be a nice confidence booster for Lidge.  You suck, but I trust you enough to not be totally sucky.

Chris Coghlan – 4-for-4, 1 Run.  If anyone can have a 4-for-4 with only 1 run and no steals or RBIs, it’s Coghlan.  He yawnstipates me pretty badly.

Rich Harden – Will have a start skipped for ineffectiveness rather than an injury.  This is an absolute first for Harden.  I mean, a missed start because of an injury is his Pass Line.

Carlos Zambrano – This doesn’t have a huge effect on fantasy baseball, but I found it slightly amusing.  The Cubs said they would try to trade Big Z in the offseason.  He said he would use his no-trade clause.  Now Carlos doesn’t necessarily strike me as someone that would be happy-happy-joy-joy if he were on another team, but I like that he doesn’t even want to try for happiness somewhere else.  I pitch poorly at home (almost a full run higher in Wrigley over three years), I attack the Gatorade bucket with my fisticuffs and I look downright miserable in just about every start, but, you know what?  I’m staying right here. I imagine Big Z reads a lot of Sylvia Plath.

Daisuke Matsuzaka returned from his bout of Terriblitis to pitch effectively vs. the Angels. 6 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He almost looked as good as when he won the MVP of the World Baseball Classic.   Ah, yes, Selig, it’s a brilliant idea.  We’re a global game now.  Next time I’m in Italy, my paisans and I will talk all about baseball over our Chianti.  I’m not a huge fan of Dice-K (the walks), but he was solid in his rehab stint and he does get the Orioles next.  That’s not a terrible match up.  I wouldn’t own him, but we can still get along if you do.  One love!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jake Peavy – The on again, on again, then off again, then briefly on, then briefly off, then on again comeback is on again for Saturday vs. the Royals.

Victor Martinez – Here’s an SAT question for you.  Martinez left the club for “personal reasons.”  Grey knows what it means when his girlfriend takes off a day from work for “personal reasons.” So this means that Martinez left the club because of what?

Michael Young – He kept saying he would return on Friday.  Then he returned yesterday.  Then he was lifted for a pinch hitter after one at-bat.  See what happens to liars.  He now says he really will be back this Friday.  Mmm-hmm.

Andy Pettitte – Will miss a start with a sore shoulder.  I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the Yankee team has a “sore shoulder” on and off for the next few weeks as they gear up for the playoffs.

Carlos Marmol – Piniella calls Marmol the closer for 2010.  With the amount of walks Marmol gives up, I don’t think Piniella should cancel the Milk of Magnesia bulk order just yet.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks and his 10th Win.  He has a 2.65 ERA on the year with nearly a K/IP.  He far exceeded my expectations for him or, really, any rookie pitcher.

Adam LaRoche – 4-for-4, 2 HRs yesterday.  Maybe if LaRoche starts playing in Venezuela in the winter, then by April he’ll think it’s the All-Star Break.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer yesterday.  For everyone’s sake, hope he doesn’t have a great final three weeks, so people partially forget about him next year.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer.  Speaking of catchers who drove you mad this year, Soto’s been hot in September, hitting over .350.

Yovani Gallardo - 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  YoGa, why do you stress me?  I would’ve totally accepted him getting scratched before this game rather than this start.

Robinson Tejada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  He was highlighted in yesterday’s post about borderline starters.  You scroll down.  Also, it’s Ta-HEY-duh not Tay-HA-duh, but both are from Baní, Dominican Republic.  You think in Baní there’s a lot of people saying, “Is it hey or ha?”

Miguel Olivo – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  He gets so incredibly hot when he’s actually hitting the ball and not striking out.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Olivo hits 5 more homers in the next two weeks.

Magglio Ordonez – Went 0-for-3 with a strikeout, but the 3 at-bats will mean he’ll make $18 million next year.  Just in case you wanted a reason to run into traffic.

Travis Snider – 2 HRs yesterday.  See about 4 1/2 inches above under Wieters for why we don’t want Snider to get too hot.  Unless, I guess, if you own him.  But that’s just selfish.  Think about us!

Nick Swisher – 6 for his last 13 with a homer as he hits over .300 in September.

Cliff Lee – The Adverb threw a shutout with 9 Ks vs. the Nationals.

David Ortiz – HR yesterday.  I don’t own him, so, honestly, I don’t pay too much attention to how poor Ortiz is hitting on a day-to-day basis.  But, with that said, he’s batting .233.  When he bats, the opposing team should move the left side of the infield into the dugout.

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 4 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Reds.  Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out 3 Reds.

Kaz Matsui – HR yesterday and has 4 steals in the last week.  I’m guessing here, but I betcha he’s going to be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Heath Bell – 1 IP, 2 ER and the Bell has tolled every time in his last three appearances, giving up 7 runs.  Meanwhile, Grey notices Luke Gregerson has 15 consecutive scoreless innings dating back a month.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He gets the Diamondbacks next.  Not a terrible start, but he’ll be facing Haren.

Chipper Jones – Guess what?  Glass Chipper’s out for a few more days, might be longer.  Punt!

Carlos Beltran – 5-for-20, 1 homer, 2 RBIs, 0 steals and he’s sat out three games since his return.  Cust kayin’.

Francisco Rodriguez – Left the club to be with his wife as she gave birth.  This would’ve been so much easier if he would’ve just knocked up Aaron Hill’s wife.

The Aussie, Trent Oeltjen, went 4-for-4 yesterday, after hitting three homers in four games.  Wait, I know this one!  Sounds like Parrot Bones?  If you don’t own the guy when he’s hot, when do you own him?  Will he keep this up?  Can I shrug?  Will I own him on many teams waiting to see how long it lasts?  Why not?  Can I own him and Venable and Garrett Jones all on the same team, or will the rookie nookie circle of life implode on itself?  Who’s to say?  Can I talk in nothing, but short questions?  Maybe?  (Let’s hope Oeltjen didn’t share a bed with this koala.  Sorry, Michael Vick, she makes STDs look cute!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Fisticuffs, apparently. (WARNING, the music comes on that video immediately and is terrible.)  BTW, the only thing that homemade video is missing is for the cameraman to pull back from the TV so we can see Joel Zumaya playing Guitar Hero.

Jamie Moyer – Feels misled by the decision to bump him to the bullpen.  See, the breadcrumbs of poor starts were headed to the rotation, then — bam! — in the bullpen.  Moyer just can’t figure it out.  Throw him a bone here, Philly.  Don’t throw it too fast though, Moyer’s forty-six years old, for crying out loud.  Or maybe he just reads Razzball and saw how I said him in the bullpen made no sense.

Aaron Laffey – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  I could see owning Laffey… If he were a Padre and only started at home.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?

David Wright – DNP with a stomach flu.  Okay, you got me… I’m David Wright, snitches!

Dustin Nippert – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10Ks.  I wouldn’t own him with your team, just to *pinkie to mouth* Nippert that in the bud.

David Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Isn’t this the guy who starred opposite Kristen Drunkst in Crazy/Beautiful?  David Hernandez will have a murderous schedule in September like rebels in Sierra Leone. (Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Locked Up Abroad lately. Whatever you do, don’t take drugs into Bangladesh.  Fo’ realz.)  Do you need the ulcer that Hernandez can provide for the possible reward?  Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t.  I wouldn’t pick him up without duress.

Tommy Hanson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  (Did everyone pitch 6 and two-thirds yesterday?)  I’m still very much up in the air as to how I’m going to draft Hanson next year.  Will I gamble on a Wainwright level draft pick hoping Hanson takes a big step forward?  I don’t know yet.  Still thinking… I’m thinking I won’t and wait until his third year.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, and his 17th steal yesterday.  You’ve been riding the …Soo Choo Train for the whole year and you gotta admit, it’s kinda boring you, right?  I mean, 13 HRs and 17 steals is great, solid average, runs and RBIs, but it’s a slow moving train, ain’t it?

Randy Ruiz – HR yesterday as he was called up by the Blue Jays instead of Travis Snider.  I went to school with a Randy Ruiz, nice guy, smoked a lot of pot.  Actually, now that I look at Randy Ruiz’s player card, this might be him!  He’s old enough.  At 31, Randy Ruiz is, as Paula Dean would say, a bit overcooked, ya’ll.  Randy Ruiz has some pop for AL-Only leagues and also if you need a chaperone for your real rookies.  It is cool that his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing… Randy Ruiz… See?

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Come back when healthy. Somebody doesn’t know their whens.

Will Venable - HR yesterday.  What does he do when he’s not hitting homers?  Saves kittens from trees.  Will Venable for City Councilman!

Adrian Gonzalez – 6-for-6 as the Padres (and my anus) exploded with a ton of runs yesterday.

Jake Fox – With Aramis smelling up the bench, Jakie Foxx is getting the starts (and batting 4th).

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 5 baserunners.  Fister?  I hardly knew… Um, yeah, he’s not worth grabbing in any leagues.

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his 16th homer yesterday.  Matt Wieters did not play.

Miguel Cabrera – I put Miggy right behind Olivo, as he would’ve wanted it.  What, I didn’t say anything.  Cabrera was hit by a pitch on the hand.  Supposedly, he should be fine.

Leo Nunez – Blew the save.  Sorry for his owners, but I really want Lindstrom to get some saves.

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 118 pitches vs. the Mets sans Wright.  Ready for it?  You know you are!  Cory Sullivan, Luis Castillo, Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy, Jeff Francoeur, Jeremy Reed, Alex Cora and Brian Schneider with Livan Hernandez pitching.  The Comatose Mets Fan just pulled his own plug.

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and a win to move his record to 6-6.  Now keep in mind that he pitches for the Dodgers, who have won 68 games — which is a lot by this point –  you would think with 6 wins, he’d be terrible this year, right?  He has a flippin’ 3.43 ERA!  Incredible.  No wonder I’m trailing in Wins in every league.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday and batting .438 in his last 7 games.  Sick of waiting for your overrated outfielder to come around, switch it up?  Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 5 baserunners, 0 ER, 6 Ks.  Everything in my body is saying stay away, but if you need to take a gamble, why can’t Ervin be good for the next month-plus?  Well, besides that he’s been terrible for the last four months-plus.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5, Without looking it up, I’m going to say four hits is the most hits he’s had in one game since grade school.

Justin Lehr – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 K.  Nice!  He also got carded after the game… Trying to get a senior citizen discount.  Him, Randy Ruiz and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II:  The Mexican Leagues.

Chris Davis was sent to the minors last night to make room for Josh Hamilton.  In the preseason, Bill James’s projections for Chris Davis were 107/40/118/.302/8.  I thought that was a tad optimistic.  And “tad optimistic” there is like saying, “Hey, this Ben Affleck movie might be okay.”  Those predictions and the proceeding hype sent Davis’s ADP through the roof.  To the point where I decided to punt 3rd base in all of my drafts and take Mark Reynolds.  I went over why in this preseason post.  Now I’m not saying I wasn’t at fault either.  Back in December, I said Davis was a sleeper when he was going after Zimmerman, Huff and Atkins.  When the hype picked up, I backed off.  Though I did give Davis pretty generous preseason numbers too at 75/30/95/.275/3.  But I have a fantasy baseball blog; I’m not Bill James.  I think someone should ping Bill James (the kids say ping, ask one what it means) and say, “Hey, Bill, big fan.  Lots of great stuff through the years.  Sorry to ping you this late, but a few quick rhetorical questions.  Chris Davis?  Seriously?  Did you not follow the ruler across the paper correctly on Pujols’s name?”  In the Better News Dept., David Murphy should get more time now that Davis is gone as Blalock moves to first.  Though I’m not sure how long Blalock can stay healthy playing that demanding of a position.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to say we have an announcement coming later in the 2nd post of the day.  Around 11:30 AM PST.  Make sure to check back later.  Some of you might enjoy it.  While others may say, “Meh.”  Okay, now for the roundup:

Scott Hairston – Traded to the A’s.  Not sure there could be more of a lateral movement for Hairston’s value.  Unless you’re in an NL-Only league and you lose his services to the best available option off waivers.  Then again, maybe that’s lateral too. The Padres got Craig Italiano — I hear he makes a great chicken parm — and Ryan Webb, no relation to Brandon.  If you’re not following, the Padres traded away their number three hitter for the stuff you find under your couch.

Will Venable – Will see more ABs with Hairston out of town.  This could actually hurt Venable’s value.

Kyle Blanks – Rudy Gamble’s brother from the same mother could also see more time.  Be nice to see The Pillsbury Fro Boy do something other than strikeout.  As far as his fantasy value, we already filled in the *pinkie to mouth* Blanks.

Scott Downs – Should be back any day now.  As always, I’d hold Frasor for the time being until Downs has shown he’s healthy.

Chien-Ming Wang - Something’s Wang.  Hehe.  Hit the DL.  Peace out, Wang.  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Ben Sheets – May not pitch this year.  No way!  C’mon!  Are you serious?  Crazy!

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER.  A good game and the Diamondbacks gave him runnage?  Wow.  Talk about a good day.  And I didn’t have any hodgepadres ruining my ERA yesterday.  Nice.

Joba Chamberlain – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER and 8 unearned as he tied his owners to a WHIPing Post.  “Joba Rules” this year are a bunch of walks, unreliable from start to start no matter the matchup and unfulfilled promise.  Maybe that’s why he drinks and not, “Owen, you stupid poop!”

Ricky Nolasco – 8 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks.  When I gave you the advice in mid-May to Buy Nolasco, I sure hope some of youse listened.

Derrek Lee – Another homer yesterday.  How dare you call me Lyle Overbay? But you kinda are just a rich man’s Lyle Overbay.  I’ll call you Thurston Overbay, the Third.

Jake Fox – HR yesterday.  Will be interesting to see how Sweet Lou flips the craft services table when Aramis returns today.

Randy Johnson – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  I foresee an abbreviated spring training comeback in 2010 and then he retires.

Rich Aurilla – HR yesterday.  I really thought he was retired.  I’m not even joking.  I’m not sure which is more despicable.  That Aurilla is holding the Giants hostage by not retiring or that the Giants don’t just release him.

Miguel Olivo – Hit his 13th homer.  Matt Wieters hit a homer too.  Natch!  Or is it reverse natch since I’m the one always cracking on his output?  Hmm… I got lost in my own natchs.

Grady Sizemore – 2 homers and one steal since his return as he bats .270.  Eh.

Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Has a 3.45 ERA on the year.  That seems more in line with Lee than what we saw last year.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER. Doesn’t he sound like a haute couture jeans designer?  I wouldn’t bother with Gio Gonzalez in an 18-team league that only uses Oakland A’s players.

Adam Lind/Aaron Hill – Hit their 18th and 20th homers, respectively.  Lind bats .310 while Hill bats .299.  Still don’t see either as a sell high candidate, but that shizz is relative.  If you get the right deal, by all means.

Colby Rasmus – Hit his 10th homer as he bats .282.  Little late to the party now if you pick him up, but you could be doing a lot worst for your fourth or fifth outfielder.  I’m looking at you, Fred Lewis.

Chris Carpenter – 7 IP, 1 ER.  This is not to say Carp isn’t solid, but right now the Reds look like they’re facing the House Committee on Un-American Activities every time out.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Dorf!

Garrett Jones – Two Pirates mentioned in the same roundup.  Arghh, it’s raining doubloons!  Jones hit two homers in his last four games.  I don’t know where this schmohawk is headed, but right now he’s on one of my teams.  He may not last, but better to take the flier if you have room than to let someone else grab the hot rookie.  Remember, I gave you the same advice for The Dread Pirate about a month ago.  I’m still rocking him on one team. (He stole his 6th base yesterday as he bats .300).

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  Finally, six innings!  I picked him up in a 12 team league last week, but haven’t start him yet.  I’ll start him now.

Martin Prado – 4-for-4 as he starts every day.  If you owned Kelly Johnson, then I’m sure the Cox yanking was suprisingly unpleasant, but Prado can ease your pain.

Derek Lowe – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Right now, he’s alternating between decent start and terrible.  Luckily, he gets the Rockies in Colorado next time out, so that’s an easy call to sit him.  Hopefully he’s back to a reliable starter after the ASB.

Jimmy Rollins – HR yesterday and is 7 for his last 15.  If he hits .400 over the next month, you’ll be glad you remained patient.

Joe Blanton – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  He gets Pittsburgh next.  All aboard!

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  With a name only one letter off from a porn star with chlamydia, it’s easy to stay away, right?  I look at it this way.  There’s so many pitchers each week that are potential spot starters, even in deep leagues, that I just don’t want any part of a guy that has 51 Ks in just over 116 innings.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4 yesterday.  On Saturday, he went 4-for-5 with a homer.  Okay, this is the last I’m mentioning him.  Fo realz.

Vladimir Guerrero – Two days, two homers.  Was he prematurely shipped off to the glue factory?  I don’t think so.  I’d still be looking to sell him.  Now you might actually find someone who believes he still has some giddy-up left.  In related news, Brian Roberts still has twice as many homers as Vlad the ‘97 Impala.

Howie Kendrick – Recalled and stole a base yesterday.  Here’s what I said two weeks before Kendrick was sent down to the minors, “What do the Angels do with a 2nd baseman who has 18 homers in 179 ABs in Triple-A?  Promote him and demote Howie Kendrick?  Or do the Angels promote Rodriguez, demote Kendrick, wait two weeks until Kendrick starts hitting in the Coors-like PCL and then promote Kendrick right back and demote Rodriguez again like they’ve been doing with Brandon Wood for the last three years?”  And that’s me blowing your mind!  Let me answer 15 comments right off the bat — Beckham, McGehee, Prado, Everth then Kendrick, in that order.

Andre Ethier – HR yesterday.  See, preggers Manny doesn’t even need to be in the lineup for Ethier to start hitting.  I’m half-joking.  This year Ethier’s been better in the power department than I thought he’d be, but I don’t buy that he’s suddenly going to be the .400 hitter we saw in the 2nd half last year just because Manny’s back.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  What else is new?  If any of you are fifteen-years-old, don’t vote for him for the All-Star Game.  We want him to be mad in the 2nd half.  Adrian slept with Clubber mad.  Eye of the Tiger!  Oh, and if you’re fifteen, don’t listen to your parents.  You won’t need geometry.  Though you may need to know how to say, “I don’t know how a dead prostitute got in my bed,” in Spanish.