And the Tigerettes sang, “He was talked up as closer, but now he’s sent down… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon… Somebody told me he made Leyland frown… Da Bruce Rondon gone, da Bruce Rondon… Yeah, he sucked in spring… Yes, his stats would sting… But now my team’s saves are boned… Da Bruce Rondon gone, Da Bruce Rondon…” As Randy Jackson would say, we got ourselves a pitchy competition, dawg! *sips from Pepsi cup, looks at Mariah for approval, fixes silver chain, sucks in gut under sweater that he’s wearing with no undershirt which makes it look really itchy, laughs at some Nicki Minaj nonsense, says to Seacrest, “I don’t know, we’ll have to see what America thinks” and smiles* So, Bruce Rondon was sent down and now the Tigers closer job is Hollywood Week. Auditions are down to Al Al’etc, Santa K, New Mexiclosero, Al Al, Coke Is It, Coke Is So 80′s Octavio Dotel Is It, Alquin Cokel, Octaquin BenCokel and Philquin Alburcoke. And that’s only four guys! Hang tight, guys and four girl readers, it’s a closerousel. Lots of possible outcomes here. All four guys could do well in a committee and Leyland utilizes it the whole year. Two guys do well and we get a portmanteau closer, let’s call it a SAGNOFtaur. Three guys could do well, let’s call that, The Three StoogeNOF. Another possibility: as we know from the past with Leyland’s ‘Set it and Forget It’ lineup card management, he likes to stick with one thing. So one guy takes the job by mid-April and holds it for the majority of the year. This is the best possibility for all involved. I think that’s also what happens. Leyland’s got cigarettes to smoke, he doesn’t have time to be walking to the mound to change pitchers! So who from Octavio Dotel, Al Alburquerque, Joaquin Benoit and Phil Coke does he go with? As the prude brothel’s sign announces, therein lies the rub. Al Al’etc is a monster for Ks, he’s my first option because he could provide solid value while the job is being decided. Then, I like Dotel. He reduced his walks last year and kept his Ks. He also has some closer experience. Next up: Joaquin Benoit. He was very successful last year in middle relief, but he can’t go on back-to-back days or stay healthy. Finally, Phil Coke. I wouldn’t grab him outside of AL-Only leagues. Big strike against him: he’s a lefty. In his favor: he closed games in the playoffs last year. It’s a shituation of epicloser proportions. Oh, and I wouldn’t grab more than one guy. I’d take a gamble on one guy, form a prayer rectangular and hope it works out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Miguel Olivo
Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs. His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer. At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago. Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?” I thought you were the astute one. Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack. It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich. As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity. No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg. In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
We here at Deep League Thoughts love things cheap. If the 5 finger discount were legal, we’d be doing it hand over Doug Fister. Over the course of the year, we’re going to keep our eye on the bargain bin FA market, targeting the guys that are less than 5 percent owned and try to sprinkle you with tasty little nuggets of info on these gems. Alright let’s start…sorry, you still have to read…and you have to start a new paragraph to do it. I know, demanding.
Please, blog, may I have some more?It feels like yesterday the baseball regular season started. You wrote “I heart baseball” in permanent marker on your arm, then you met a girl who wrote “I heart guys who heart baseball” on her arm, then, during sex in September, you screamed out “I love you, Marco Scutaro!” and now you don’t have baseball or a girlfriend. C’mon, calendar, make like a soldier and turn to March. The only cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand-fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2011. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2012.
Please, blog, may I have some more?In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief. He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits. In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?David Ortiz must not have fed the meter yesterday because he was fitted with a boot. Southie police officer, “You ahr naht above the lah! Now sign my badge for my boy, Tommy.” Turns out Big Papi has right heel bursitis, which is a fancy word that eHow has seven useless articles about that is essentially inflammation.
Please, blog, may I have some more?They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland. If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis. And pasted it in Kipnis’s face. And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that. Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019? Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis. In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder. Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis. I did too. So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235. That’s big to the whoop. I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing. He’s young, i.e.
Please, blog, may I have some more?To discuss Francisco Liriano at Razzball HQ, I gathered the Random Italicized Voice, MR. AL CAPS and Larry King. After eating me out of house and home — “The selection was pretty meager. Freezer pops, really?” “NOT A THING TO DRINK,” “Anyone see where I put down my teeth?” – we talked about Liriano. He started off in the preseason in my top 10 starters for 2011. “That call looks as pretty as Rocky Dennis.
Please, blog, may I have some more?I’ve given much love to Desmond Jennings already on this blog, and since what I’ve previously wrote still works, indulge me for a second, “Desmond’s time is nigh, a word that only sounds negative. DJ is currently on the ones and twos for top ranked MLB prospects. He’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. Dora the Explorer, Boots the Monkey and Swiper the Fox all wrapped in one! (What, not street enough?) If he reaches the top end of his ceiling, you’re looking at Carl Crawford. More likely, you’re going to open up this Crackerjack and get half a Carl Crawford. Say a Carlford. You ain’t got the Craw yet, kid!” And that’s me quoting me! In 2010, he swiped 37 bags with a .362 OBP in Triple-A. In only 57 games in Triple-A this year, 9 homers and 10 steals. Somebody gag Sam Fuld, put a gorilla suit on him and send him to Africa. We want Jennings. *fast-herpes-medication-side-effect-voice* Fuld should be benched any day now for Jennings’ call-up. Or in the next week or so. It’s worth the flyer for upside. If conditions persist for longer than 48 hours, call your doctor. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Dee Gordon – Gordon is so fast he just ran into Kitchen Stadium, spit on Michael Symon’s head, buffed it and ran out without Alton even noticing. I see no reason why you shouldn’t own Gordon everywhere for a few weeks to see if he not only sticks but steals some bases. For more on my Dee Gordon fantasy, see that link. I wrote it while picking out all the strawberry Dippin’ Dots from the Banana Split mix.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Anyone who’s read this site for a minute — an urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows I have love for Adam Lind. In an age when the home run is scarce — wow, that sounded like a Ken Burns voiceover — Lind has big time power. I’m a fan. Have the pin that reads, “Lind-a-want-stats!” Sorry, that’s a square pun in a round hole. Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 2 homers in his 2nd game back from the DL. He can still get 30 homers and hits in the heart of a solid order. I wouldn’t be scared of him, he might just do his best not-this-season Dunn impression. BTW, Bautista hasn’t hit a homer in 7 games, what a loser! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Shin-Soo Choo – Says DUI is affecting play. Assuming he doesn’t have to drive relievers in from the bullpen, I say just start drinking before games again.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
