Fantasy Baseball Advice

Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law.  That’s going to make for awkward holidays.  Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day.  Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle.  During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife.  Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.”  K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails.  Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff.  His backups in no particular order:  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think.  Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush.  Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush.  Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it?  And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I picked him up when he was traded into the NL with the expectation that I’d only own him for one start, but I haven’t seen one red flag yet.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in ten games as he bats .357 this month.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Andres Torres – 2-for-3 with two steals and has 4 steals in the last week.  He stops hitting homers; he starts stealing bases.  What’s not to love?

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  The Adverb now has 137 Ks and 9 BBs on the year.  Incredible Lee.

Brandon Lyon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Why is God punishing me?  Was it the cat I kicked in college?  I was on shrooms and Mr. Wigglenose said, “Freakin’ furball,” but I thought I heard, “I’m a free kickball.”  After the cat landed, we laughed about the confusion.  Mr. Wigglenose forgave me, why want you?!  Why?!

Matt Lindstrom – Will be out for a few days with a sore back, which could turn into a longer absence.  Well, maybe Lyon’s not so bad.  Oh my God, I have a sickness for vulture saves.

Mike Stanton – 5-for-5, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Next year, you’re not going to be able to get anywhere near Stanton for a reasonable price so enjoy him now while you can.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-4 with 3 Runs.  Hitting .283 and zero homers in his first two weeks in the majors.  It’s okay; there’s time.  Power will come and, unlike Stanton, the average will be fine.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Now has 9 homers and 12 steals on the year.  He’s going to end the year around 12 homers and 15 steals and suck me right back in again next year.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  Ryan Raburn is soooo valuable– Wait, that’s Gene Raburn.  Raburn’s playing every day, has pop and he should have 2nd base eligibility in your league.  If he doesn’t, fire your commissioner.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Wandwagon (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks) as it was Throwback To 2009 Day at The Juice Box.  Hanson hasn’t had a terrible game since June, so it might be a little late for this, but hopefully Hanson drops a few turds the rest of the way so he’s undervalued in 2011 drafts.  Could Hanson be better than Lincecum in 2011?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer in the last four games.  These guys don’t stay hot forever, but he’s hot right now.  Hairston was also my pickup for today’s short schedule.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Now batting .455 over the last week.  Another guy that could go cold any day now, but is hot right now.

Jhoulys Chacin – Potential to start on August 20th, depending on how well Esmil Rogers looks in his next start.  Esmil Rogers said, “Holy chicken mole, this is a lot of pressure.”

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-2 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Please stay hot and avoid injury.  That is all.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Indians.  He strikes out less than 4 batters per 9 innings and he’s on a terrible team in a bad division.  In the offseason, Bergesen was hurt while filming a commercial.  See, he’s not good at pitching, in every sense of the word.

Brian Roberts – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  May be a surprising contributor for your H2H playoffs.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Right now, his line is 17-6/1.99/0.97/158.  Spectacular, even if Larry King and I both want to call him, Adam Wainwright III.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5 with a grand slam.  He’s more or less taken a dump since I put him in my Sell column about two months, but Colby’s a Survivor.  I’m going to be pushing hard to own Colby next year, but will have to see where he’s going to be drafted.  Right now, I’d say he’ll be drafted as a 3rd outfielder, but with a hot finish or a crazy Spring Training he could get drafted as a 2nd outfielder and become a bit too expensive.  Though a 30/15 year in 2011 doesn’t seem too far of a stretch.

Chris Carter – 0 for his first 9 in the bigs.  It’s tempting to say screw it and drop him, but I’d give him a week in redraft leagues.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I thought he was hitting a wall, but now I think he might’ve just been showing a blip on the radar.  Definitely worth owning again.

Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks to extend his major league lead in Ks to 182 (in only 163 IP).  All of this while resembling the female gym teacher in your high school.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, a 2.49 ERA and a Cainian ERA to xFIP difference.

Bill Hall – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with 2 homers.  Guess how many homers he has on the year.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *taps finger, scratches head, swigs from a bottle of Night Train*  15 homers!  What?  Is that only insane to me?

Mike Lowell – 3-for-4, a day after hitting a homer.  He’s in a good position to succeed for about a month if his body holds up.

Ross Gload – To the DL with a right groin strain.  Until Howard returns, the area around 1st base will be Sweeney *pinkie to mouth* sod.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Roy Oswalt who went 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as I got the dreaded double sonavabench!

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start again in one of the easiest parks to hit in.  Does Torre think he’s Steve Kemp?  Did Kemp make fun of Torre for picking his nose?  Does Torre keep playing Gibbons as an homage to Jane Goodall?

Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league.  “Good cut, Chris!”  Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee!  Hit the damn ball!”  Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better.  Enter Jorge Cantu.  Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest.  Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home.  I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot.  Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August.  Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool?  Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts.  He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year.  I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey.  January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”

Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base.  For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose.  The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B).  Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder.  Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace?  Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus.  If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material.  He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year.  Though it was in the PCL.  BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup.  I don’t even remember who I was talking about.  Oh, Brett Wallace!  Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up.

Matt Capps – Traded to the Twins for Wilson Ramos, a top catching prospect, and Joe Testa, who throws straight gas, but is still very young.  Look at the Nats making moves!  Too bad Bowden wasn’t still around, he would’ve never stood for that.  As much as I’d prefer to talk about how the Nats can be a serious contender in two years, this is after all a fantasy blog.  If you’re really desperate for saves, I’d hold Rauch just in case he sees some chances or if you need rebounds (he’s tall!), but the Minnesota papers are reporting Capps will close.  I tend to believe the Minnesotans, salt of the earth people yadda².  Also, if Capps doesn’t close, then it looks even worse that the Twins traded those prospects away.  Gotta keep up appearances, ya know?

Miguel Tejada – Traded to the Padres to play….where?  He could play shortstop with the range of Cal Ripken but that dude’s 50 years old.  He could play 3B and move Headley back to the OF, but is Tejada really a better bat than the Padres worst corner OF?  Maybe, and that’s just sad.

Josh Bell – Will replace Tejada at 3rd base for the Suckie O’s.  Bell’s AL-Only ownable, which is saying very little since Daric Barton is AL-Only material.  Bell needs to get hot before picking up in mixed leagues, or, if you speak street, he needs to be fire on Crunk Juice.

Michael Wuertz – Now Bailey’s headed to the DL.  Wuertz has shown himself to be pretty adept at blowing save opportunities, so he’s no sure thing, but Breslow is?  As German prostitutes like to say, I grabbed Wuertz.  (BTW, whenever I think of a German prostitute, I picture a woman that could have easily been a female wrestler if she just got a few breaks.)

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd in three games.  I’ve knocked him a bunch, but when you’re looking at a Pu-Pu Platter of middle infielders, Walker’s at least hitting.

Matt Diaz – First time I was able to get Diaz into my lineup because it was a short schedule day and he homered.  That’s how you roll the Dye-as!

Miguel Montero – 4 for his last 8 with a homer yesterday.  Instead of just letting their catcher scabs be, I’ve noticed people are dropping Montero.  He could have a solid final two months.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Please make note of this next year when you’re drafting.  A 10/10 guy looks good when you’re drafting him, but when you’re actually waiting for him to get to 10/10 it’s mind numbingly boring.

Scott Olsen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Drew Storen – Clippard’s been a hot mess for a while now, so I’d grab Storen for saves.  If you’re really hurting for saves, I’d grab Clippard too.  If you’re really, really hurting for saves, I’d grab Sean Burnett. (And I did grab Clippard and Burnett in some leagues — My name is Grey “El Toro” Albright and I am a save vulture.  Please forgive me if I have told you to pick up a guy that has shat on your ratios.  I am powerless to my vulturing.  Anyone got some coffee and cigarettes?)

Ramon Castro – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Appropriate of nothing, doesn’t his goatee look like a sideways yin and yang symbol?  Maybe it’s me.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with his 20th home run.  Sweet, now stay healthy for two months and hit.

Raul Ibanez – Hit his 2nd homer in the last week and he just missed his third with a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Also, hitting near .450 in the last week.

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he recorded his 14th win.  That sound you hear is the BBWAA preparing their AL Cy Young vote for Price.  Voter, “A team win is the most important thing.  And if a guy pitches with moxie.  That’s important too.”

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks.  And he’s got a no-hitter on his resume too from 2006.  Pretty impressive given his career WHIP is 1.45.  Kind of feast or famine – fitting for a guy whose name anagrams to He’s Za Cannibal.

Sounds like Jacoby Ellsbury will be out until the All-Star Break.  Break being the key word.  The Boston Globe reported that Ellsbury has, “a non-displaced rib fracture and edema in the left posterior-axillary line.”  Ribs and edema?  What’s that, a fusion Japanese-rib joint?  The doctors didn’t find a blooming onion in there?  Member in the preseason when I said you could have Ellsbury ten rounds later in Borbon?  Borbon has not endeared himself in fantasy owners’ hearts yet, but he’s picking up his game of late, Ellsbury can’t pick himself out of a chair.  Gotta hold Ellsbury if you have DL room and hope for a big 2nd half.  I do have my doubts though about how well a guy is going to be able to steal, most specifically slide, when this latest injury happened diving for a ball.  The good news is if you listened to me, you didn’t draft Ellsbury.  Right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Santana – Getting called up for Friday’s game.  Yes, the same catcher the Indians were waiting until August to bring up.  Yes, the Indians were messing with you.  Where do you think Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter learned it from?  As I’ve already said on the blog, I don’t expect the 2nd coming of Mike Piazza.  At least not this year.  Think about what you got from Matt Wieters last year.  Shoot, think about what you got from him this year.  If you’re starting Joe Schmohawk at catcher, sure, take a chance on some upside.  I think he can give a bit more power than Posey, but they’re in the same ballpark.  No, not literally.  For this year, I’d give him a .280 average and 13 homers.  Actually, I already wrote that.  Here’s my Carlos Santana fantasy.  In keepers, he should be owned already.  If not, grab him immediately.

Todd Wellemeyer – Injured his leg.  Giants have been looking for a reason to bring up Madison Bumgarner.  This is probably as good a reason as any.  I’ll go over Bumgarner in detail in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  He’s a Buy, but by (stutterer!) how much?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As many other teams this year, the Mets proved to be Latos intolerant.  Hodgepadre or no hodgepadre, he should be started everywhere at this point.

Tyler Clippard – On his mantle, Clippard puts a save next to his 8 wins and autographed photo of ALF.  Capps was just rested, no reason for alarm.  This does show you there’s no reason to hold Storen for vulture saves.

Jon Niese – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 6 Ks.  Not to take anything away from Niese (yes, that means I’m about to take something away from him), but this was vs. the Padres B lineup.  Two Hairstons, Denorfia, Salazar, Torrealba and Zawadzki, which I believe is the most Polish a last name can be.  Niese has been fantastic since he returned from the DL and gets the Indians next.  I’d definitely give him a shot.

Mike Leake – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 15 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Well, you knew it was coming at some point.  Or at least you should’ve known it was coming at some point.  I’ve only been saying it for the last three weeks.

Max Scherzer – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. White Sox.  Nice start coming after he was shellacked by the peasant Royals.  Really hard to start that kind of inconsistency.  He reminds me of Kershaw.  They have Ks, walks, bad pitch economy and youth.  Scherzer shows a bit better control, but Kershaw has a better league/park.  Then Kershaw has the best K/9 for starters with more than 50 innings and Scherzer is around 40th and even Edward Woodward can’t equalize that.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-2 with a double.  I didn’t see the double, but I’m guessing the Tigers were playing the Beckham defensive shift, which is the outfielders go for pizza and life-sized, cardboard replicas fill-in for them.

John Danks – 7 IP, 5 baserunners, 1 Hit, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.27 ERA on the year.  His K-rate has rebounded this year and his ground balls are up, um, down, um… His ground ball percentage is up.  The homers per fly balls is lucky, but he should keep his ERA respectable enough to meet your mother.

Alex Rodriguez – Left the game with a stiff groin.  Was Jeter doing calisthenics near him?  A-Rod will see a doctor today.  My guess is he will miss a few days.  When I was fifteen and had stiffness in my groin, I’d go missing for weeks.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with a back spasm.  He’s day-to-day.  Or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before you get crazy with yourself, this game could’ve been much worse.  He escaped a bases loaded jam in the 6th by striking out Marcus Thames.  I still don’t think you should get involved with Arrieta outside of AL-Only or keeper leagues.  Unless you wanna get roofied.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Halladay.  I’d say he beat the best pitcher in baseball, but on the surface that seems like Ubaldo.  Josh Johnson, however, has a better K-rate than Halladay and Ubaldo and his ERA is 1.91.  Johnson is actually making a case for the best pitcher in the NL.

Corey Hart – 2-for-3 and his NL-leading 16th homer.  Will he never surrender the NL HR lead?  Doubt it.  But it’s worth noting that it’s like he’s hitting with a 2-iron.  Since May 1st, he’s hit 12 HRs and hitting over 55% fly balls (career mark is 43% percent).  The only guys equal or ahead of him are Mark Reynolds, Jose Bautista, and Jayson Werth.  If he keeps it up, expect a strong HR pace with a very streaky average.

Ryan Theriot – 3-for-5 and his 13th steal as he gets the start over the other Silent T.  Now has four steals in the last four games.  Or as I like to say, “Two more than Alcides has all season.”

Matt Lindstrom – Missed the game with a stiff back.  Well, you Lindstrom, you lose some.  I grabbed Lyon all over the place just in case the stiff back becomes a “I can’t come back,” but it looks like Lindstrom will be fine to go on Friday.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.91 ERA on the year.  Whatever, I still don’t buy it.  You say stubborn, I say obstinate, let’s call the whole thing off.

Brian Roberts – Given his third epidural.  Betcha he wishes he chose natural childbirth.  My guess is he’ll return in September for a few days just to mock his fantasy owners.

David Hernandez – Got his first save as Juan Samuel finally instilled some common sense into the O’s bullpen and removed the LOOGY from the ninth inning.  Trembley should’ve been fired for that alone.  Do I think Hernandez runs with the job and forces the O’s to put a memorial park in center with his statue in it?  No, probably not.  I don’t think Hernandez even gets out of June still saving games, but grab him now and ask questions later.  He is the closer, which in the O’s bullpen is also known as the tallest midget.

Brett Cecil – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  At some point, you’re just gonna have to start all your Blue Jay pitchers in every start.

Carlos Pena – Guess what he did yesterday?  Yup.

Miguel Montero – Will return this weekend.  It’s gonna get awkward around the clubhouse when no one is returning Chris Snyder’s phone calls.

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 H.  What song comes on when he enters a game?  Daydream Reliever?  A song from Billy Joel’s ‘Turnstiles’ album?  Bob Dylan’s “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Qualls?”

Tommy Hanson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks as he threw 121 pitches.  Although, it should be noted that every time he got 3 strikes on the batter, Hanson insisted the umpires let him go to a 5 strike count a’la King Kong Bundy.  This comes just one game after Kenshin Kawakami introduced a new pitch that blows green smoke into batters’ eyes.

Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights.  Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer.  Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year.  The closerousel has made me really nauseous.  Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it.  Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already.  I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two.  Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans.  SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role.  Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own.  I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.

Jimmy Rollins – It’s official.  Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL.  Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks.  Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4.  I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins.  As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”

Miguel Montero – Good news!  Well, kinda.  He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks.  Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.

Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness.  He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR.  No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy.  Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks.  He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs.  Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks.  Adam Dunn has 7 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis.  Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured!  I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him.  The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda².  Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.

Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368.  His health and/or this hitting won’t last.  Own him while it does.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats.  That should tell you what I think of Porcello.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners.  And that’s his downside.  Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.

Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.

C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning.  Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday.  I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.

Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks.  Yes, I love strikeout pitchers.  Here’s the issue.  A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid.  Ironic?  I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart.  B) He was honing his shizz in Japan.  Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan?  No offense, Sadaharu Oh.  C) He walks people.  A better hitting team will kill him.  D) There is no D.  There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts.  What else do you need?  He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues.  It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned.  Come on, people.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!

Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096.  Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA.  Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks.  A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit.  Fairly well, Bailey.

Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May.  I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.

Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.

Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday.  Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row.  No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.

Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer.  I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page.  You scroll and come back.  Maybe you wait for it.  Your choice.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts.  Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.

Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130.  Playing.  Not well.  I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him.  I see little reason to go back.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer.  BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011?  Yup.

John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks.  Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short.  He can be effective verging on yawnstipating.  My bigger issue is his injury concernness.  Yeah, that’s a word.  Eat it, Roget’s!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible.  I’m ignoring this burp.

Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back.  He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks.  You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!

Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby.  Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has now put together back-to-back solid starts.  Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate.  Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.

Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts.  Never stopped him before though.  So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven.  Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday.  I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year.  To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks.  Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”)

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals.  Has a five game hitting streak going.  For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues.  Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb.  Oh, wait, I read that news wrong.  He’s just nursing a sore thumb.  NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286.  Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.

Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.

B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once–  Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday.  He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post.  Ooh…Grey gets a gold star!  Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out.  Sorry, my H2H team sucks.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.