Fantasy Baseball Advice

Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Ryan Kalish – 2-for-3 and now batting .500 since his call-up.  He showed a little bit of everything in the minors this year — 13 homers/25 steals.  The nice thing is he shouldn’t kill you like most rookies because he has a good eye.  Also, he spoiled Perez Hilton’s favorite descriptor for a pitcher who K’s a lot of batters, e.g., “Stephen Strasburg – he’s K-lish!”

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks until he was ejected for going after Tackleberry.   Not sure who Red State Jeter was trying to impress but you don’t yell at Shelley Duncan.  He will high five you in your head.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hallelujahs!  D’Ellsbury is ditching the D and returning.  He’ll be back today.

Ryan Howard – To the DL with sprained ligaments in his left ankle.  Alas, the big man’s out.  Stupid Phillies infield and their stupid infieluenza epidemic.

John Mayberry – Was recalled to take Howard’s place.  He’s about the only one that can fit into Howard’s spot without it looking too big on him.  Mayberry’s a hacker with power.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but not in mixed leagues until we see how much playing time he gets.

Peter Bourjos – Was called up by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  His name makes him sound like he should be a hockey bruiser, right?  Then again, everything I know about hockey I learned from Sega.  Bourjos stole 50 bases in 2008, 32 in 2009 and 27 this year.  The Angels moved Double I to right field for the first time since 1999 to accommodate Bourjos.  You don’t make that move unless you plan on playing the rookie.  Plus, Scioscia loves these types of players.  He’s the anti-Earl Weaver.  If Scioscia could put Reggie Willits at DH without being committed to an insane asylum, he would.  I’d grab Bourjos for the chance for some sweet, sweet SAGNOF!  He could steal 10-15 bases in the last two months and he has the fizzle for some pop.

Yunesky Maya – The Nats signed their number one raftee this past weekend.  Last year, Maya was the runner-up to Aroldis Chapman in Ks but won the Luis Tiant, the Cuban equivalent to the Cy Young.  Maya, a Latin 28, should need very little time to acclimate himself to U.S. ball, given his experience.  He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years.  You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism.  Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go.  In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.

Juan Francisco – Step right up, ladies, I’m giving out all kinds of rookie nookie today.  Francisco looks like he was called up for bench depth since he didn’t start yesterday even with Votto out.  Francisco is a must-own in NL-Only keeper leagues with a 30 homer bat at 3rd base.  Once again, in mixed leagues, we first need to see how much time he gets.

Michael Wuertz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched in the 7th inning of a tie game.  Luckily (if you own Wuertz), Breslow then came in and gave up the winning run.  I’d still hold Wuertz.  That’s what she said!

Mike Leake – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You guys can find some way to keep in touch without you owning him.  Exchange emails or friend him on Facebook.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save as Meek threw in the 7th and 8th inning.  Looks like the Pirates are happy with Meek throwing multiple innings while Hanrahanananan works as the closer.  You can hold Meek if you like, but you look a little desperate.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate is having a heckuva couple of weeks.  He left yesterday after getting beaned in the cantaloupe with a pitch by Mike Leake.  Can’t you do anything right, Leake?!  Dread’s neck is sore with a bruise.  I’m guessing he’ll miss at least a game or three.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs.  Kinda eerie the 2009 Coghlan vibe I get from Walker.  Decent Runs/Not Much/Decent RBIs/Nice Average/Bleh Speed.  All day, every day.

Thomas Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in 122 pitches.  Did the Cubs wear their throwback uniforms and Dusty managed this game?  Diamond was once compared to Roger Clemens when he was drafted in the first round overall 6 years ago.  5 years ago, he was compared to Nolan Ryan and voted the best prospect in the Rangers system.  Then, he met Dr. Freeze.  A Tommy John surgery and a few mediocre seasons later, he’s back.  His Ks are for real, but his walks could get ugly at times.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and deeper mixed keepers immediately.  In redraft leagues, it depends on how bad you need the gamble.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs.  I know Angel Pagan.  I know Angel by Aerosmith.  I do not know Angel Sanchez.  BTW, the Astros scored 18 runs and no one in fantasy benefited.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s cooked.

B.J. Upton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is now batting over .350 in the last week as he led off yesterday.  He’s going to end the year with a 12/45, .250 line and you’re going to look at him in next year’s preseason and you’re gonna forget all about the ulcer he gave you for four months this year.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In May, the clock struck midnight on this guy’s ERA.  Where’s the freakin’ pumpkin?!

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This was a tough matchup.  Next start is vs. the Indians.  Don’t mind if I do!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors.  Sonavabench!

Andres Torres – 3-for-6 with his 11th homer.  Everyone owns this guy by now, right?  I don’t need to keep pointing him out, do I?

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and batting .333 since his return.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, you too.  And you.

Luke Scott – In case you dropped Scott because you were ‘done with him,’ he just hit his second homer in two games.  Luke Scott will tell you when to drop him.

Brian Roberts – 0-for-4 and batting .229 since he returned, with 3 steals.  You’re thinking that’s the thanks you get for holding him for all those months, but in reality he’s teaching you a valuable lesson.  In the preseason, don’t draft guys that are already hurt.

Juan Pierre – As the old joke goes.  A psychic looks at Hitler’s palm and says, “I predict, Fuhrer, that you’re going to die on a holiday.”  Hitler, “What holiday?”  “It doesn’t matter.  The day you die will be a holiday.”  To use that train of thought, Pierre always homers on a holiday.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Oh, it’s on.

Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he’s pitching better than Haren.  Why wouldn’t he be?

Mark Reynolds – Three run homer then he was plunked in the helmet.  Mini Donkey’s probably bray-to-bray.

Aaron Heilman – Was unofficially named the closer by Kirk Gibson when he said something like, “I’m not naming a closer, but there’s only one guy in the bullpen who’s even looked half decent and his name sounds like Baron Heilmon.”

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a sore right shoulder.  The Indians doctor said Hafner’s shoulder is especially prone to soreness because he has to carry around that giant head.

Carlos Santana – Officially placed on the DL with a left knee sprain.  It’s spraining men!  I imagine the Indians will move Santana to the 60-day DL for the rest of the season.

David Freese – Ankle surgery forces Freese out for the rest of the season.  That’s why La Russa likes squirrels better than people.  No ankles.

Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)

The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Brandon League, peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if a trade is in progress.  Goodbye, Rauch.  Hello, Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard and Sean Burnett.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Joel Hanrahan.”   “Did you just call me, Joel Hanrahan?”  “No.”  Kevin Gregg, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria any of them can be traded in the next 24 hours.  If you need saves, there won’t be many saves coming into the league after the trade deadline.  If you need closers, now is the time to swoop, save vultures.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Domonic Brown – If I keep talking about Domonic, I’m gonna have to do a spin-off blog, Razzbrown.  My Domonic Brown fantasy is clickable.

Tyler Colvin – I told you to pick him up on June 18th.  Since then, 19/9/20/.250/1.  Yeah, that’s better than Werth, Vlad, Torii, Grandy, Alfonso and a ton of other guys.

Chris Denorfia – By the time you read this he might already be cold and not worth owning.  There’s a difference between someone like Colvin and Denorfia.  Denorfia is a random outfielder who just happens to be hot, Colvin’s actually decent.

Andres Torres – Why do you make me talk about the same guy for three weeks and then by the time you pick him up he’s no longer good?  This is a trust exercise.  Fall back into my arms.  I promise to keep my mustache to myself.

Brett Wallace – Here’s what I said this morning, “Getting passed around…” “…like a trollop…” “Berkman” “is” “different cities.”   My Zagat quote skills are strong!  Here’s my Brett Wallace fantasy without the clunky quotes.

Jon Jay – His minor league numbers look like he’s unstartable against lefties (.180 vs. the same side, .404 vs. righties), but he’s actually relieved Rasmus vs. southpaws because he’s hitting the scrammy-handed at a .474 clip.  But, as I tell the ladies, beware the small sample size.  Jon Jay should get exploited the more he sees the ‘ones who need special scissors.’  That makes Jay a platoon guy without an injury.  Grab him now since he’s hitting everything and La Russa seems to like him, but don’t be surprised if it’s short-lived.

Travis Snider – Time to get randy on Travis.  He’s due to finally return from his sore right wrist.  Usually I’d be worried about a wrist injury, but Snider pulled a Kotchman and has been recuperating since May 15th.  His wrist better be, uh, better by now.  Plus, who couldn’t love a guy who resembles this guy?

Travis Wood – Sticking with the Travis theme… There is no wrong, there is no right… The circle has one side, side, side… Wait, wrong Travis theme.  So how much can Wood chuck if Wood could maintain his BABIP?  A bunch, but it seems unlikely. Wood gets the Pirates next and he’s pitched well enough where you can take a flyer on him.

Scott Olsen – Yesterday’s game picked up right where he left off as a respectable number five fantasy starter.  He gets the Diamondhacks next, that’s a ‘Yes’ with a dollop of ‘Please.’

Brett Myers – With a line of 3.10/1.22/113 on the year, you should’ve really grabbed him four months ago, but it’s not too late.

Michael Wuertz – Bailey’s not getting traded, but he’s also not getting healthy.

Danny Valencia – Grab him if you’re hurting for a corner infidel, but his Kevin Maas-shaped candle might’ve already burned out.

Will Rhymes – SAGNOF!

Logan Morrison – Just went over my Logan Morrison fantasy a few days ago.  Nothing’s changed — LoMo Hitado!

Ryan Raburn – Green Raburn asks, “Magglio Ordonez is so hurt he _____________” However you fill in that blank, Raburn has pop and should see playing time.

SELL

Edison Volquez – Don’t be the person that says in the comments, “You can’t sell Volquez!  He’s not worth anything!”  As I said in the beginning of the year, the Sell isn’t always literal.  It also means to drop him.  In non-keepers, you let someone else see if Volquez can figure it out.

Troy Glaus – Playing first base has helped him stay in the lineup.  Unfortunately, you probably wish he were hurt for the last two months.

Dan Uggla – July was his biggest month since May of 2008.  It was his first month since then that he had an average over .300.  He currently sits at 22 homers.  Maybe he has another good week, but he’s never kept up the rate he’s currently on and I don’t think he suddenly will.  I wouldn’t trade him for your nana’s Jell-O mold collection, but I’d listen to offers.

Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league.  “Good cut, Chris!”  Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee!  Hit the damn ball!”  Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better.  Enter Jorge Cantu.  Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest.  Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home.  I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot.  Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August.  Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool?  Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts.  He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year.  I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey.  January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”

Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base.  For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose.  The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B).  Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder.  Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace?  Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus.  If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material.  He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year.  Though it was in the PCL.  BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup.  I don’t even remember who I was talking about.  Oh, Brett Wallace!  Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up.

Matt Capps – Traded to the Twins for Wilson Ramos, a top catching prospect, and Joe Testa, who throws straight gas, but is still very young.  Look at the Nats making moves!  Too bad Bowden wasn’t still around, he would’ve never stood for that.  As much as I’d prefer to talk about how the Nats can be a serious contender in two years, this is after all a fantasy blog.  If you’re really desperate for saves, I’d hold Rauch just in case he sees some chances or if you need rebounds (he’s tall!), but the Minnesota papers are reporting Capps will close.  I tend to believe the Minnesotans, salt of the earth people yadda².  Also, if Capps doesn’t close, then it looks even worse that the Twins traded those prospects away.  Gotta keep up appearances, ya know?

Miguel Tejada – Traded to the Padres to play….where?  He could play shortstop with the range of Cal Ripken but that dude’s 50 years old.  He could play 3B and move Headley back to the OF, but is Tejada really a better bat than the Padres worst corner OF?  Maybe, and that’s just sad.

Josh Bell – Will replace Tejada at 3rd base for the Suckie O’s.  Bell’s AL-Only ownable, which is saying very little since Daric Barton is AL-Only material.  Bell needs to get hot before picking up in mixed leagues, or, if you speak street, he needs to be fire on Crunk Juice.

Michael Wuertz – Now Bailey’s headed to the DL.  Wuertz has shown himself to be pretty adept at blowing save opportunities, so he’s no sure thing, but Breslow is?  As German prostitutes like to say, I grabbed Wuertz.  (BTW, whenever I think of a German prostitute, I picture a woman that could have easily been a female wrestler if she just got a few breaks.)

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd in three games.  I’ve knocked him a bunch, but when you’re looking at a Pu-Pu Platter of middle infielders, Walker’s at least hitting.

Matt Diaz – First time I was able to get Diaz into my lineup because it was a short schedule day and he homered.  That’s how you roll the Dye-as!

Miguel Montero – 4 for his last 8 with a homer yesterday.  Instead of just letting their catcher scabs be, I’ve noticed people are dropping Montero.  He could have a solid final two months.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Please make note of this next year when you’re drafting.  A 10/10 guy looks good when you’re drafting him, but when you’re actually waiting for him to get to 10/10 it’s mind numbingly boring.

Scott Olsen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Drew Storen – Clippard’s been a hot mess for a while now, so I’d grab Storen for saves.  If you’re really hurting for saves, I’d grab Clippard too.  If you’re really, really hurting for saves, I’d grab Sean Burnett. (And I did grab Clippard and Burnett in some leagues — My name is Grey “El Toro” Albright and I am a save vulture.  Please forgive me if I have told you to pick up a guy that has shat on your ratios.  I am powerless to my vulturing.  Anyone got some coffee and cigarettes?)

Ramon Castro – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Appropriate of nothing, doesn’t his goatee look like a sideways yin and yang symbol?  Maybe it’s me.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with his 20th home run.  Sweet, now stay healthy for two months and hit.

Raul Ibanez – Hit his 2nd homer in the last week and he just missed his third with a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Also, hitting near .450 in the last week.

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he recorded his 14th win.  That sound you hear is the BBWAA preparing their AL Cy Young vote for Price.  Voter, “A team win is the most important thing.  And if a guy pitches with moxie.  That’s important too.”

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks.  And he’s got a no-hitter on his resume too from 2006.  Pretty impressive given his career WHIP is 1.45.  Kind of feast or famine – fitting for a guy whose name anagrams to He’s Za Cannibal.

Scott Podsednik traded to the Dodgers.  Call ‘em The Podsgers!  Should be convenient for his wife — much closer to the Playboy mansion.  Or so I read in an article in Playboy about Playboy while not looking at the pictures.  So Pods comes to L.A. because Manny’s never coming back?  They really needed a pinch runner?  Not really sure what the playing time will be for Podsednik once Manny’s healthy, but I guess he could see three days a week.  He’s definitely going to see his time cut from his days on the peasant Royals.  That’ll give him more time to worry about what Lisa’s doing now that they’re in a city where the most eligible bachelor isn’t a barbecue rub salesman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Oswalt – Looks to be headed to the Phillies.  All the deal needs is his approval.  I think if the Phils throw in a tractor, Roy will be a go pitcher.  Hello Wins, Goodbye Houston.  I’ll go over this move further this afternoon if it does indeed clear and doesn’t become a Cliff Lee to the Yankees move.

Shane Victorino – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Victorino did end up on the DL.  Which makes room for the one and only… The King of Swing… The Man Whose Upside Makes It Almost Worth Learning How To Spell His Name… The Bastard Child You Wish Your 17-year-Old Daughter Had…

Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was called up by the Phillies.  I just went over my Domonic Brown fantasy.  Click the link and it transports you there.  It’s magic!  Grab Brown now (how, cow?) for his upside.  Plus, you can change your team name to ‘Under Domonic Possession.’

Stephen Strasburg – Of course he was shutdown for a few days.  I’m surprised the Nats were even able to write the press release to announce this while wearing those kid gloves.  For those in H2H leagues, it could work out for you if he misses a few starts now then pitches in September.  And that’s how you look at the glass half full!

Andres Torres – 4-for-6 with his 10th homer.  Is it me or am I talking about this guy every day?  I think I am.  Know why?  Because he’s doing something every day.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He has 14 homers on the year.  Uribe’s one of those types that is fantasy relevant all year, but if you hold him all year you probably feel like you’re not trying hard enough so you pick him up and drop him a dozen times and his stats on your team look like crizzap.

Brian Wilson – 1 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save.  It must’ve been the shoes!

Brad Mills – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the low, low price of facing the O’s, you too can look like a major league pitcher!

Ben Zobrist – Left the game with lower back stiffness, which is less embarrassing than lower front stiffness.

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Too bad Carlosly only modifies your team once every two weeks.

Bud Norris – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He has 85 Ks in 80 IP, which is purdy, but I can’t recommend him outside of NL-Only leagues.  His ratios look like the bathroom in Slumdog Millionaire.

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Domo arigato, Joey Votto.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer and 12th steal.  Is it me or do guys that get around 20/20 seem to move their homers and steals up together?

Travis Wood – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His 0.96 WHIP and 33:10 K:BB in 37 2/3 IP isn’t too shabby at all.  Hard to grab him in too shallow of mixed leagues, but he gets the Pirates next.  Argh, that’s not bad.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First dominating start against a tough offense all year.  His owners should hope that doesn’t mean he’ll now go to pieces vs. the Royals next time out.

Michael Wuertz – He came in for the save!  Then gave up a run and was removed for Breslow!  For those keeping score at home, I’m dropping Wuertz in all of my leagues.  Bailey should return in time for the A’s next game.

Jason Bay – Could still go to the DL for his concussion.  We just have to collectively think positive.  Please DL him.  Please.

Johan Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks as he let everyone beat him, including the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5 with his first homer in, like, three years.  If anyone thinks this is a sign, you should trade him to that person.

Garrett Jones – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Robot Jones came, Robot Jones saw and Robot Jones didn’t feel anything because he’s a robot.

Huston Street – Could return today to the closer role.  One guy who won’t be closing is Manny Corpas, who entered the game in the 3rd inning.  Unless the guy from Memento was managing.  Matt Belisle and Joe Beimel could see saves if Street can’t return, in that order.

Joel Pineiro – Out for 6-8 weeks with an oblique strain.  Maybe they can now trade him to the Diamondbacks for Justin Upton.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-5 as he played his fourth game in a row though that may change with the Peralta rental.  He still hasn’t run, but if Will’s playing he should be rhyming and stealing.

Jhonny Peralta – The Detroit Tigers were obviously embarrassed by the Matt Garza no-hitter.  So much so, that they traded for the man whose bat is almost as silent as the H in his first name.

Luis Valbuena – Was recalled with the trade of Peralta.  He was hitting in Triple-A (6 homers, .313 in 96 ABs) and could add some pop at MI.  Though I wouldn’t pick him up until I see something first.

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Last year in 72 1/3 post-All-Star break innings, he had a 3.36 ERA and 2.78 in September.  I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I talk about him.  He is a Duens… Duens… Duens… Duensing machine.

Chone Figgins – Hit his first home run of the year as they let him bat from 2nd base.