Michael Wuertz

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Closer Look

| Closers | 108 Comments

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In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The General Lee Rides Again In Georgia

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 69 Comments

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The Braves should totally give Derrek Lee the number 01 and paint him orange.  Too bad Waylon Jennings isn’t around anymore to announce him when he comes up to bat.  Lee-haw!  The Cubs received back Tyrelle Harris, who I believe is a male model, Robinson Lopez, who dispenses candy from his neck, and Jeffrey Lorick, who owns the Marlins.  Derrek Lee has hit 4 homers in his last four games and his numbers should only continue to trend upwards as we head into the home stretch.  I could see him getting to 24 homers on the year; he’s at 16.  Do the math!  The real LUZR in this is Troy Glaus, who the Braves put on the DL with a severe case of We-Don’t-Want-To-Play-You-Anymore-itis.  It’s curable, but you usually need a new team.  Kelly Johnson had a similar malady when he played for the Braves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3 as he played 1st base yesterday, but Micah Hoffpauir was recalled.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Not really.  I wouldn’t pick him up in any league until I saw him start hitting.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Kemperor Strikes Back

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 224 Comments

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Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Prospecto alla Arencibia

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 235 Comments

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J.P. Arencibia was called up by the Buckless Jays.  In Triple-A, Arencibia hit 31 homers in 379 ABs.  That’s-a one spicy prospect!  To go all Latin America on you, there’s a caveat.  That was in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He’s not quite the prospect of Wieters, Posey or Carlos Santana, pre-Kalish yelling at him, “Eat everything off your plate!”  I’d pick up Arencibia if you just lost Santana or if you’re just hurting at catcher, in general.  Conservatively, I’d give him 6 homers and a terrible average.  But he’s capable of more and that’s why you grab him.  When we’re dealing with such short sample sizes as the final two months, it’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises with an extended hot streak.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Zambrano – Will return to the Cubs rotation on Monday vs.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Youk Thumbs Up the Jam

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 231 Comments

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Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Closer Look

| Closers | 144 Comments

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Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Them Crooked Save Vultures

| Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 381 Comments

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The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Brandon League, peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if a trade is in progress.  Goodbye, Rauch.  Hello, Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard and Sean Burnett.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Joel Hanrahan.”   “Did you just call me, Joel Hanrahan?”  “No.”  Kevin Gregg, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria any of them can be traded in the next 24 hours.  If you need saves, there won’t be many saves coming into the league after the trade deadline.  If you need closers, now is the time to swoop, save vultures.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Domonic Brown – If I keep talking about Domonic, I’m gonna have to do a spin-off blog, Razzbrown.  My Domonic Brown fantasy is clickable.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey / Rudy

Texas Can’t Win With Chris Davis, Cantu With Jorge

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 124 Comments

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Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league.  “Good cut, Chris!”  Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee!  Hit the damn ball!”  Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better.  Enter Jorge Cantu.  Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest.  Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home.  I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot.  Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August.  Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool?  Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts.  He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year.  I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey.  January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”

Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base.  For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose.  The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B).  Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder.  Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace?  Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus.  If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material.  He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year.  Though it was in the PCL.  BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup.  I don’t even remember who I was talking about.  Oh, Brett Wallace!  Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up.

Please, blog, may I have some more?