Fantasy Baseball Advice

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

‘Uh-oh’ doesn’t really do the sight of Stephen Strasburg throwing a pitch and shaking his elbow in pain.  Word is now he might go see Dr. Freeze.  Usually a visit to Dr. Freeze means the pitcher will be out for at least a year.  I think a visit to Dr. Freeze in this case would just mean the Nats are being very cautious.  It’s like when your Schnauzer has a bellyache and the vet tells you he’ll be fine, but you’re so worried about Arfer Woofruff that you disguise him as a little old man and seek a second opinion from a gastroenterologist.  If you own Strasburg in keeper leagues, I’d cross your fingers, toes and the street to your religious house of worship and pray for good news.  In redraft leagues, you can hold him for a day or two until it’s official, but I can’t imagine he’s pitching again this year.  Riggleman said, “I don’t even know if he’s playing catch tomorrow.  The doctor might say, ‘Don’t pick up a ball.’  The doctor might say, ‘This looks fine, this is normal pitching stuff, go get ‘em.’ But I doubt it.”  All I’m saying is you don’t take Arfer to a gastroenterologist then immediately to the park to play catch with a frisbee.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to give people a heads up that we have a big announcement coming this afternoon, please check back later.  No, I’m not shaving my mustache.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Alex Rodriguez – Out for 15 days because the Yankees need A-Rod to be healthy for the playoffs and he has an appointment to get his tips frosted.

Austin Kearns – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  Now has a hit in his 11 games.  Unfortunately, it’s not the Yankees last 11 games, which makes Kearns hard to play unless you can platoon him in and out of your lineup.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 25th homer to match his career high.  A career year usually leads January Grey to evaluate a player to see if he’s going to be overrated.  January Grey is in Nepal giving spiritual guidance to the Beastie Boys, so I’m not sure but I don’t think Cano will be labeled overrated next year.  He’s a top 2nd baseman.

Kevin Slowey – To the DL with a strained right triceps.  (Or is that tricep?  Is it just a onecep?)  Before he went to the DL, Slowey left you with a 3 IP, 4 ER game on Saturday to remember him by.  If you’re wondering when he’s due to return, I suggest you take a step back and think about why you stay in abusive relationships.

Ricky Nolasco – Has a torn menicus, which is not the thing your great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather used to count.  The Marlins are hoping he misses just one start.  If he’s out for the season, which I think he will be, Nolasco’s done everyone a great favor.  For someone who has a 4.38 career ERA and is routinely overrated, now his value should come back to earth.

Cody Ross – The 29-year-old was grabbed by the Giants as Sabean infuses his outfield with youth.  The Giants now have more DHs then a majority of AL teams.  Do the Giants play 4 outfielders?  Are they planning on giving the middle finger to the NL and using a DH?  All valid questions.  I have to think this hurts ABs for Burrell (though it shouldn’t with the way he’s swinging the bat), Guillen and Ross.  Hopefully Torres continues to see at least 5 games a week.  Taking over for Ross in Florida…

Cameron Maybin – Perennial Razzball favorite-slash-bust returns to the Marlins outfield.  Maybin still has plenty of time to reach his potential at the major league level, but I’d hold expectations in check for the last five weeks.  He’s only a 10/20 player over the course of a season.  Break that into one month and it’s just a’ight, which is shade under a’ight and much less than a’ight a’ight.  In NL-Only leagues or keepers, you have to grab him for his upside.

Jason Heyward – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 4 Runs and 2 homers.  Really hoping there’s not too many more of these games this year so Heyward comes into next year relatively affordable– Oh, who am I kidding, he’s going to be so hyped next year.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  *Grey drools*

Omar Infante – 4-for-6, 2 homers, 4 Runs and 4 RBIs.  Buh-but, Grey, can Infante keep this up? Who cares, random italicized voice?  There’s just over a month left of the season.  Play Infante while he’s hitting.  Don’t get your mustache all in a bunch, was just asking.

Josh Thole – Will be the Mets’ everyday catcher.  Having a hard time coming up with another positive so let’s leave it at that.

Juan Gutierrez – Got the save on Saturday and now it’s questionable who’s the closer in Arizona.  I think it should be Demel, I thought the Diamondbacks would go with Heilman and now Gutierrez is getting saves.  You figure that one out.

Dustin Pedroia – Sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  That was the case here and now that case is closed for another two weeks.

Wilson Betemit – I picked up Betemit as a fluke about a week ago.  He has four homers while batting over .300 in that time.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?

Will Rhymes – 4-for-5 with 3 Runs, but still hasn’t stole a base.  Someone needs to give Rhymes the 411 on where his fantasy value lies.

Michael Wuertz – At some point during the weekend, he lost the closer job and then Bailey returned anyway, making the whole closerousel moot.

Tommy Hunter – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. O’s.  Decent enough rebound for a guy who sounds like he has a Witness Protection name.  His 42 Ks in 85 2/3 innings makes him pretty blahing to own.

Luke Scott – Two games, two homers.  Luke, you are not waiver wire fodder.

Ty Wigginton – Has two homers in the last two games too, and deuces are wild.

Joel Hanrahan – Gets the save to remind people that he’s the closer that never gets any save chances.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remarkably (to me, at least), his season ERA is still at 2.42.  I can almost guarantee I won’t be owning Garcia next year.

Bobby Jenks – Threw three innings yesterday as Ozzie went with the ol’ “If you don’t like your closer, throw him until he’s injured” approach.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  I.e., two homers less than Mike Napoli.  Or one homer more than Bill Hall.  Um, dubya-tee-eff, Braun?

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced Yo-lease.  It’s Spanish for pick him up.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hudson’s name sounds familiar.  Oh, I know, he’s the guy I’ve mentioned you should pick up for the last three weeks.  Yeah, that’s right.

Jeanmar Gomez – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully not too many of you went with this Cleveland Streamer.

Jonathan Broxton – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Please make sure you sign the ‘Die Jonathan Broxton’ petition.

Rod Barajas – Nothing says last-ditch effort to help your team like grabbing a .225 hitting catcher off waivers.  Nothing says giving up like trying to trade away Manny Ramirez.  Nothing says mixed signals like these moves in tandem.

Matt Kemp – Homers in back-to-back games as the Dodgers announced that Kemp would be put into purgatorre with Scott Podsednik and him sharing playing time.  Torre said, Kemp would get more time than Podsednik, but Kemp doesn’t have Pods’ grit and wily veteranship.  Is Torre trying to put the best team on the field or looking for a backup quarterback?  I Googled ‘grit and wily veteran’ and I found John McCain.  How about we put him in center?!

The Braves should totally give Derrek Lee the number 01 and paint him orange.  Too bad Waylon Jennings isn’t around anymore to announce him when he comes up to bat.  Lee-haw!  The Cubs received back Tyrelle Harris, who I believe is a male model, Robinson Lopez, who dispenses candy from his neck, and Jeffrey Lorick, who owns the Marlins.  Derrek Lee has hit 4 homers in his last four games and his numbers should only continue to trend upwards as we head into the home stretch.  I could see him getting to 24 homers on the year; he’s at 16.  Do the math!  The real LUZR in this is Troy Glaus, who the Braves put on the DL with a severe case of We-Don’t-Want-To-Play-You-Anymore-itis.  It’s curable, but you usually need a new team.  Kelly Johnson had a similar malady when he played for the Braves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3 as he played 1st base yesterday, but Micah Hoffpauir was recalled.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Not really.  I wouldn’t pick him up in any league until I saw him start hitting.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks as he gave the Cubs a little “How’s your father?”  If only I owned only Padres pitchers on all of my teams.  I love you, Hodgepadres.  Please friend me on Facebook!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4 with 2 steals and a homer.  As frequent commenter, Brad, pointed out when he quoted my top 20 outfielder rankings, “B.J. Upton’s definitely shown he can’t be relied on for 20 homers, but you can count on him for 40 steals and 10 homers.”  And that’s me quoting Brad quoting me!  Right now, B.J.’s at 66/11/43/.240/35, and has been more valuable than broseph, Justin.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 with two doubles and a homer.  A la your 4th grade teacher, “Nice of you to join us, Mr. Longoria.”

Juan Pierre – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  When you put ‘Juan Pierre’ into Google, it says ‘Did you mean SAGNOF?’

Gavin Floyd – In his last 12 innings, he’s given up 13 runs.  Not good, but both were against the Twins and he gets the O’s next.  I’d give him one more shot in most leagues.

David Wright – Left yesterday’s game feeling queasy.  Or QUEASY! if you’re George Jefferson.

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays optioned him back to the minors.  John Buck is such a prospblock.

Taylor Teagarden – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 8 games.  Those 8 games, unfortunately, date back 3 weeks.  The other day I grabbed Teagarden in a 2 catcher league, but he needs more consistent playing time for most leagues.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  For deity sakes, this guy needs a nickname if he’s going to keep hitting.  I wouldn’t touch him yet in mixed leagues, but in AL-Only leagues I’d grab him.

Joe Blanton – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Solid start from the inconsistent Blanton, which is thankfully different than incontinent.  He gets the Astros in his next start, that’s a decent gamble.

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, with a homer and two steals.  Wait, I know this impersonation… Um… 2007 Rollins, right?  Nice!

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, but 5 unearned runs for the momentarily gut-wrenching ticker shock.

Aroldis Chapman – Reds committed to calling up Chapman on September 1st.  Makes sense, but doesn’t add much to his value since he’ll be out of the bullpen.  Definitely grab him in keepers though.

Joe Mauer – 4-for-5 and his 8th homer.  Still hasn’t hit more than 3 homers in any month, but is hitting .472 in August.

Curtis Granderson – He was days away from appearing in Friday’s Sell as a guy to drop, but now he’s hit his 3rd homer in five games.  Maybe this time he can keep his hot streak going longer than a week.

Matt Kemp – I pimped out my merkin for this guy and then Torre benches him again?  Okay, this is gotta stop, or Kemp needs to be playing in 7 PM EST games so I don’t have guys on my bench that are actually playing.

Alberto Callaspo – Had the slam & legs while hitting third yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  He doesn’t give much except hits, but there ya go.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 with his 12th homer.  He’s now officially as valuable this year as Corey Patterson.  As I’ve said before about Pablo Sandoval and my female neighbor, “What a bust!”

Edinson Volquez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Way too inconsistent at this point to be relied on anywhere.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 20th homer.  Now bench him, you Sciosciapath.

Michael Wuertz – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  That huertz.  Bailey’s set to begin a rehab assignment on Friday and should be back soon thereafter, barring any setbacks.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  Sticking with the variations on the name Michael theme, is Miggy drafted number three next year?  Two?  One?  Talk amongst yourselves.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  First homer in over a month, but could be the start of something going forward.

Brad Hawpe – As Hawpe leaves the Rockies’ clubhouse for the last time, Bob Apodaca will be playing the world’s smallest harp, which is still 2 feet tall, but that’s small for a harp.  When Hawpe reaches the parking lot, he’ll turn back and hear noisemakers.  As the last line of my top 80 outfielder rankings says, “Get rid of Hawpe!”  I’ve been asking for the Rockies to release Hawpe for almost two years now.  Finally, we get our sweet, sweet outfield of upside.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was so excited about the Hawpe news, he ran into a wall.  The Rockies remind me of the Rangers.  Wonderful upside, difficulty staying healthy.  Hopefully he’s CarGone only a day or two.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-3 with the slam & legs.  Coco’s been loco.  Seriously, grab him in your leagues before someone else does.  This blurb was paid for by the committee to get Coco Crisp on your team.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3 with his 2nd steal as he bets near .400 in his first 13 games in the majors.  If you need cheap speed in a deep league, look no further.

Randy Wolf – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Trevor Hoffman – Got a save.  Brewers announced on their next homestand all fans would be able to enjoy “Free Whatever Crap We Have Lying Around That Commemorates Hoffman Getting 600 Saves” night.  They’re following the Angels’ lead from a few years back when they had a huge success with “Tim Salmon’s Going To Play One More Stupid Game So Come To The Ballpark” night.

Matt Kemp doesn’t seem like he cares.  Well, about anything outside of protecting Rihanna’s honor and piercings.  I don’t blame him.  The GM questions his defense.  The manager plays Jay Gibbons over him.  Andre Ethier gets all the cool pink shirts.  Manny was recently overheard saying, “What does a man have to do to get a cool pink shirt up in this mug?!”  I contemplated not going with Kemp for this lead because it’s past a lot of people’s trade deadlines.  If it’s past your deadline, skip down to the Buy section, there will be plenty of schmohawks to grab off waivers.  If it’s not past your deadline, there’s few top players whose value is lower than Matt Kemp right now.  Kemp’s owners right now are having flashbacks to last season when he was batting behind the pitcher.  Torre’s a Sciosciapath with Kemp, his owners know it.  So, step one for value is achieved, Kemp’s price tag is cheaper than his value.  Could Kemp continue to suck on the suckhole for the rest of the year?  I suppose, loyal Razzball reader.  But he’s also capable of a 7+ homer, 5+ steal month and there’s not a lot of guys that can say that, especially at his current price.  Anyway, here’s more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Hisabobby Takafelicianell – No relation to Zoey Deschanel, if anyone was wondering.  This shituation would be clearer if we only had some idea who setup K-Rod in the Family Lunge.  Did Parnell help setup the in-law with a stomach punch or nipple twist?  Did Feliciano come in with a left hook?  Did R.A. Dickey give him a knuckle sandwich?  Hard to know.  I think Hisanori or Feliciano are the best bets going forward.

Aaron Heilman – I wouldn’t even mention him if he were owned in more than 18% of ESPN leagues.  You want saves, you grab Heilman.  That is all.

Michael Wuertz – Another guy I’d own before the Hisabobby mess.

Octavio Dotel – SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – The five earned runs the other day still stings in my nether regions.  Or maybe that’s an STD.  Anyhoo!  Lindstrom’s either falling apart or injured.  Grab Lyon for the vultures.

Jeremy Hellickson – I haven’t talked about Hellickson nearly enough.  Not!  Should you pick him up?  Yacht!

Mike Minor – The Minor problem (hehe) is his time in the rotation may be limited.  No problems with his stuff though.

Brandon Morrow – How is he owned in less than 50% of Yahoo and ESPN leagues?  He leads the majors in K-rate.  Get it together, people.

Ryan Raburn – Only a Buy because he has 2nd base eligibility and he’s capable of 15 homers… Sure, that’s in over 400 at-bats.  But that’s .04 homers per at-bat!

Omar Infante – I feel silly constantly recommending a guy I don’t even particularly like myself.  Shoot, only two guys are excited about Infante.  Charlie Manuel and Smash Mouth.  Omar, you’re an All-Star, go to third base, get paid.

Jed Lowrie – Has very little speed and power… He’s kinda like Omar Infante without the hype.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Omar Infante doesn’t have any hype.”  Exactly!  Lowrie is hitting .444 for the last week and has been known to get hot for a month at a time in the later months of the year.  Or for one month, once in his career (August 2008).

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Hitting near .500 over the last week with 3 homers.  It just doesn’t get better than that!  Well, it might, but he’s currently hot.

Mike Lowell – If I saw a contending team pick up Lowell, I’d send them a message, “Hey, you could still win this thing, why are you giving up?”  They’ll respond with a variation of, “Why do you say I’m giving up?”  Me, “Because you picked up Mike Lowell.”  Then within a few days, they’ll drop him.  Even if he’s hitting well.  Lowell’s just one of those players that you pick up and feel like you’re just not trying hard enough.

Carlos Delgado – Once Delgado is called up, the Red Sox are going to have the best 2003 platoon ever.

Pat Burrell – Same category as Lowell, not as good eligibility.  Hopefully the newly-acquired Jose Guillen doesn’t hurt his playing time.  re: Guillen; Good to see Brian Sabean hasn’t lost his flair for the flat-footed vet who should be a DH.  You know who Sabean should acquire to play first?  Big Papi.  Or bring Griffey back to play center.  Or at least platoon with Aaron Rowand.  It’s the mannequin defense.  Most times the defense alignment means moving guys in and out, right and left.  For the Giants outfield, they have to decide if they want to play their fielders with their gloves in the air for a fly ball or on the ground because once the ball is hit there is no time for them to move their arms.  John Dewan heard about the Guillen signing — on top of the recent Burrell signing — and held up his Fielding Bible yelling, “Blasphemer!”

Michael Brantley – Had 46 steals in Triple-A in 2009.  Had 13 steals in only 67 games this year.  If you need more, I’m not sure I can help you.

Ryan Ludwick – I could’ve put Chris Denorfia in this list too, but because of a lot of red tape and legalese I’m not allowed to put three Padre hitters in the Buy section.  (Though you could say I just did mention Denorfia.  Sneaky!)

David Murphy – I’ve been pimping this schmohawk for about a week.  Why, Grey, why so much love? Cause he’s hot, random italicized voice.  Oh, thought there might be more to it. Nope, he’s hitting over .400 in the last week with three homers.  Pretty interesting. Okay, you interject, random italicized voice.  You don’t converse.  Snippy!

SELL

Jason Bay – This obviously isn’t a Sell as much as a Drop, but my OCD doesn’t allow me to change the headings.  Think back when you first drafted Bay.  You convinced yourself that he could hit in Metco and the NL.  You were wrong.  Accept defeat and drop him.  Even if he returns, David Murphy has done more in a week than Bay did all year.

Carlos Beltran – Another one of your Mr. Bungle moves.  Really, at this time of the year, I don’t have patience for underperforming guys.  What’s Beltran suddenly going to be, his 2006 self?  Let’s live in the present.  Currently, Beltran has one homer and is batting .214.  That’s nice… Punt!

Chase Headley – Hey, I was a fan of the sleeper Headley in the preseason, but doode never woke up.  He has 4 homers and 4 steals in his last 200+ ABs.  I just popped a zit in a mirror and the puss spelled out, “Blech.”

J.P. Arencibia was called up by the Buckless Jays.  In Triple-A, Arencibia hit 31 homers in 379 ABs.  That’s-a one spicy prospect!  To go all Latin America on you, there’s a caveat.  That was in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He’s not quite the prospect of Wieters, Posey or Carlos Santana, pre-Kalish yelling at him, “Eat everything off your plate!”  I’d pick up Arencibia if you just lost Santana or if you’re just hurting at catcher, in general.  Conservatively, I’d give him 6 homers and a terrible average.  But he’s capable of more and that’s why you grab him.  When we’re dealing with such short sample sizes as the final two months, it’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises with an extended hot streak.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Zambrano – Will return to the Cubs rotation on Monday vs. the Giants.  Assuming the uneasy truce between Big Z, Derrek Lee and the Gatorade cooler sticks.

Kris Medlen – Left the game with an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament.  That’s longhand for ‘trouble.’  He’s droppable in all mixed leagues.

Carlos Pena – Has a tear in his plantar fascia, which sounds like the color your wife wants to paint the bathroom.  Right now, I’m trying to decide between Warm Khaki and Plantar Fascia for my kitchen. That’s nice, random italicized voice.  Pena hopes to be back by this weekend.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because Scott Baker decided to show up (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even when Baker isn’t hurting me, he’s hurting me.

Matt Capps – Blew the save yesterday.  Storen was good but young, Clippard was a mess at times, Burnett’s a lefty.  I.e., Capps was pretty secure in Washington.  The Twins are trying to win a division and Rauch casts a very long shadow, which is only partially because he’s eight feet tall.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  Go back and read this.  I’m a genius!  (Even though I always need my spellchecker to spell genius.  Genuis just looks better, sioux me.)

Geovany Soto – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer.  He does it again!

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure what his deal was last time out when he was rocked, but so far when Anderson has been healthy, he’s been excellent.  No reason I see that changing.  Health’s the issue, not stuff.

Michael Wuertz – Got the 1-2-3 save.  I might be making this up, but I think this is the first time all year that I’ve grabbed a guy for vulture saves and I actually got a clean save out of it.

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve been Pwnson’d!

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s alive with SAGNOF.  On Bill James’ Speed Score, where 5 is average, Bourjos turns it to an 11.  Actually, that’s a lie.  He’s probably a 9.  Carl Crawford leads the majors with an 8.7.  Bourjos just ran into your room, mussed your hair, re-combed it to exactly the same place and left the room before you even noticed.

Luke Scott – Guess what he did again.  Go ahead, guess.  I’ll wait.  Nope, didn’t steal a base.  No, he didn’t hit for the cycle.  No, he didn’t walk your dog for you.  How would he even get in your house?  He homered!  Again.

Alfredo Simon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  I guess Mike G.’s going to be the closer again.  Any day now, Buck.

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Nice to see Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter make another appearance.

Russell Martin – To the DL with a tear in his hip.  I think the same thing happened to Larry King.  Russell Martin may need to wear suspenders.

Vicente Padilla – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s weird that you should own Padilla, but you really should own Padilla.

Mike Stanton – Hit his 10th homer in 170 ABs.  In 500 ABs, that’s a nice handful of homers.  Not talking this year.  I’m talking 2011.  I cannot wait for Bill James’ Stanton projections in November.  At least 35 homers and 7 steals.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in the last ten games.  He goes crazy hot or crazy cold.  He’s yes or he’s no.  He’s in or he’s out.  He’s up or he’s down.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (only one walk), 6 Ks.  You’d think the Tigers would know to be a little more patient with Jackson.  I still wouldn’t grab Edwin in roto leagues, but he gets the Suckie-O’s next.  That’s a decent gamble in H2H leagues.

Brandon Inge – 3-for-4 in his return to the lineup.  That was quick.  He had a broken bone in his hand and was supposed to miss six weeks.  That was two weeks ago.  If he only had as much ability as he has desire to play or have books read to him.

Adam Dunn – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers.  You can’t spell Big Donkey without donk.  It’s a fact.

Kila Ka’aihue – He got the start.  It’s a celebration, snitches!  He went 1-for-4 with a strikeout.  It’s a bittersweet celebration.  Here’s what Stephen said earlier in the year, “The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting Stephen!  I agree, and I like Kila if the peasant Royals play him.  Ka’aihue is a total masher, poi.  Unfortunately, I think the Royals would prefer to play old ‘n dusty Jose Guillen.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, he was dreckitude in the 2nd half.  This year he had a 5.33 ERA in April and 2.88 since.  He’s in a good divison.  Pittsburgh, Houston… Cards aren’t even that good.  Pujols, Holliday, then ‘Ooh, I’m scared, it’s Jon Jay.’

Juan Francisco – 3-for-5 as he got the start while Rolen rested.  Hard to recommend him in redraft, mixed leagues because he doesn’t have an every day job, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues go to it.

Mike Sweeney – Phillies acquired him for cash from the M’s.  The cash was said to be in the twelve hundred dollar range, but the Phillies used a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon, so it came out to less.  Sweeney will play every day at first while Howard mends.  Sweeney’s only for the very³ desperate.

Travis Snider – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Hey, I’m excited about the prospects of Snider as anyone.  But leadoff?  Really?  Guess Gaston looks at his lineup and sees nine different six hole hitters and pulls a name out of a hat.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with another homer.  Why haven’t you picked him up yet?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your girlfriend says about you behind your back.

J.A. Happ – 1 IP, 7 ER.  The Astros got Jokey Smurf’d.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has now only pitched past the 6th inning once in his last three starts.  His June ERA was 5.17 and 5.52 in July.  Who else do you have on your team for name recognition?  Glass Chipper?  The Glue Formerly Known As El Caballo?

Derek Jeter – 4-for-4, 3 Runs.  Pretty disappointing year for Jeter.  Blame the ground balls.  He’s at 67% for balls hit on the ground.  The next closest person is Juan Pierre at 61.5%.  No one has come close to leading the league at that high of a percentage since Luis Castillo hit 66% in 2007.  And that’s not even a fair comparison because Castillo hit some fly balls that just didn’t reach the pitcher in the air.

Alex Rodriguez – Became the fastest player to 600 home runs.  Was also the fastest player to frost his tips blonde, to get the names Brandon and Bronson mixed up, to press charges against Selena Roberts, to ask Joba “How’s your Mom?” while she sat in a Nebraska prison, to tell Girardi his braces “are really cool,” to say to Brain Cashman, “Where’s the Cash, man?!” then laugh hysterically and, finally, A-Rod was the fastest player to prematurely ejaculate into Madonna.