Fantasy Baseball Advice

Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday.  When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo.  I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier.   Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters!  You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!”  Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom.  In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.”  What can’t he do!?  Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer.  I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run.  There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57.  Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday.  That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”

Vance Worley – Placed on the DL.  Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow.  Call the fire department!

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77.  He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation.  Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of.  Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning.  Red Sox fans exhaled.

Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders.  Phillie fans inhaled.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Yankee fans burped.

Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow.  Pop the champagne.  Super, Nova.

Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48.  I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer.  Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah.  <–Almost palindrome!

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing.  It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors).  Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.

Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it.  I So-rue-iano.  Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.”  The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”

Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend.  If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news.  The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups.  Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends.  I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.

Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain.  He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!

Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot.  2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.

Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning.  Yay.  Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.

Alex Presley – Has left the building.  He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors.  Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro.  Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter.  In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish).  He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now.  And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick?  Jose Tabata?  Do you reach for Hanrahan?

Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal.  I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney.  Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller.  Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.”  Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.”  “Done and done!”

Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered.  I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach.  Kyle Drabek:  I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer.  Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit?  Cause that would be helpful.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336.  Omar’s coming yo!

Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice.  You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities?  Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09.  Matthew Berry likes him as a buy low.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!

Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.

Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe.  He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.

Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.  Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up.  I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming.  To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286.  Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier.  Hopefully, things stay rozier.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.

Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5.  It’s like he never left!

Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf.  What an odd thing to find in a colander.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs.   My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.

Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians.  F-Her, you should be embarrassed.  Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed.  The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up.  Yeah, this Bud’s for you.

Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week.  Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee.  Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.

Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole.  Plouffe!

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7.  Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.

Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck).  His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes.  So far, he’s been in control.  The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).

Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game.  It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow.  *checking notes*  Nope, different type of rehab.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer.  LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339.  Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.

Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year.  Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base.  HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings.  I realized something watching him.  He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life).  His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.

Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks.  He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.”  That sounds awesome!  I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose!  Please!

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?!  Tough week for MIs.  Rollins must be contagious.  It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten.  This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team of jailbirds and hooligans onto the field in the heart of the pennant race.  Or maybe that was a movie pitch I overheard in a Hollywood Starbucks.  Neverthehoo!  Right now, Reyes doesn’t sound too bad with only a stiff back and not an issue with his oblique, the mystery ailment that sidelines players and no one has any idea where in the body it is.  Reyes said he could’ve even played last night.  Excellent, now keep him away from any Met doctors that treated Beltran’s day-to-day thing last year that knocked him out for over a year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4 as he hits third for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, it didn’t work for Reyes either.  Rollins is now batting .270 after returning from the DL with a .341 average.  Granted, that was only through 11 games, but they’re my small sample sizes and I’ll put them wherever I want.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 Hits, 0 Walks, 10 Ks and 119 pitches.  The 13 hits were a career high, the 119 pitches were not.  Not even his high in his last ten starts.  He’s a gingie horse… Nay (pun point)… He’s a gingie robot.  A gingie robot that wouldn’t mind some run support.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer.  He eats gingie robots for breakfast.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!  Where the heckfire you been?  Bruce hit his 10th homer yesterday as he bats .281 on the year.  I’d actually take five more homers and a .265 average.  Cust kayin’.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was vs. the Pirates so take it with a grain of NaCl.  But he now has an ERA of 3.14 and more Ks than innings.  I wouldn’t even be pointing him out if his next start vs. the Diamondhacks wasn’t favorable.  Mmm… deep flyer.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again with two straight quality starts.  If he falters against the Pirates in his next start, I may jump out my window.  Sure, I’m on the first floor, but it’s about the gesture.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 and now has two 4 hit games.  Tell me more, tell me more, can hit the ball far? Was that Grease, random italicized voice?  Stop judging me! The two four hit games surround a 1-for-12 stretch.  Definitely worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy with him yet in mixed leagues.

Barry Enright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Barry had pinpoint control in the minors, but gave 4 free passes in yesterday’s game.  But that might’ve just been nerves.  But II:  The Return of But, he might only be up for one start anyway.  But III:  But Lives, Willis may not stay in the rotation, which would give Barry more starts.  But IV:  But vs. However, even if Barry sticks in the rotation, he needs to prove himself in the majors before I’d add him.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 0 ER as the blind man picked up the saw and said, “Hey, I got a save!”

Chris Snyder – 3-for-4 but gave up 5 Cardinal steals.  I wonder if the Cards players own Montero in fantasy and this was their subtle hint to Hinch.

Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with his 14th Krispie fly.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (only 2 Walks), 4 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez just gave up two poorly timed homers.  Sure, I’m making excuses, but I own him everywhere.  Gotta stay positive, Mike Skinner.

Erik Bedard – Could return to the M’s rotation on Tuesday.  He just has to get through one final rehab start healthy.  Vegas isn’t taking bets, but I’d put his return next week at 4 to 1.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  It’s so sexy when he does that thing with the Ks and the no runs.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  He’s death against lefties, which is not the same as murdering lefties.  At .217 on the year, he’s nothing but an AL-Only OF at this point.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in his last 4 games.  Sure, he’s a head case, but he has 8 homers and 6 steals on the year in less than 200 ABs.  He should be owned in more than 3% of ESPN leagues.

Bengie Molina – With apologies to Alfred, the fattest, slowest Molina was sent from the Giants to the Rangers.  The Rangers add Molina to their organizational catching depth of Max Ramirez, Teagarden, Treanor and Saltalamacchia as they continue to follow the “catching wins championships” credo that has never worked for anyone.  Molina moves into a much better lineup and ballpark, which should help his numbers.  He’s a 15 homer, .260 hitter.  On the basepaths and the buffet line, he’s a station-to-station guy.

Buster Posey – With Molina moving to Texas, Posey gets a nod of approval and every day catching duties, which may not necessarily help his hitting since he now has a much harder position to play.

Matt LaPorta – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in the last two games.  You know the drill.  When guys are hitting, you what?  *taps finger, scratches head, whistles*  You own them!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Chris Perez – Got the save since Wood pitched in the three prior games.  Though if you saw the box score and thought Wood was gone, it’s understandable.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!  Why can’t he pitch well vs. bad teams and crappy vs. good ones?  Is that too much to ask?

Vladimir Guerrero – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers.  Must’ve been nice to not only homer twice off the Angels, but to hit one off of the impostor, Francisco Rodriguez.  If Vlad stays healthy, he can keep his name in the MVP conversation.  That “if” isn’t exactly Rhode Island-sized.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He flew through 7 innings only to give up 5 runs in the 8th as he tried to blow his own win and Greinke himself.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar looked sharp in his return.  He even struck out some hitters in this game.  If you’ve forgotten, Jurrjens’ bugaboo is he doesn’t K people.  A healthy Jar-Jar should absolutely be owned in your league.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer while hitting .274 and chipping in 3 steals.  You know what’s fascinating to me (which means it’ll be a yawnfest for you), if Jones hit .274 all year while spreading his 13 homers out over the first three months, he would be owned everywhere and people would harbor no ill will towards him.  This is why you draft guys you trust and let them play.   On the other hand, Markakis is suckakis.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 14th homer.  After the game, Casey McGehee called him to say, “Nice hit, Dad!”

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Probably a day late on that buy low Kemp trade offer.

Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  Hitting around .500 in the last week with 4 steals.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks with a 2.74 ERA on the year.  Aren’t you glad you loaded your team with hodgepadres?  I am.

Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t play because of shoulder soreness as the Padres exploded for 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Dustin Pedroia – Since he was unable to put any weight on his foot, he took grounders while on his knees.  He’s obviously been watching the instructional video, Dorf on Baseball.

Brandon Inge – 0-for-3, but after the game he was all smiles.  When asked why, he said he loves having books read to him with his adopted brother.

Dan Haren got the win yesterday, but his line was 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners and 5 Ks.  Did he see his shadow in Spring Training and now think spring w0n’t start until August?  Someone inform this young brother it’s the pre-All-Star Break.  Ergo, therefore, vise a vie, he’s supposed to be pitching well now.  He only has about a month before he turns into summer squash.  Right?  Well, what if he pitches well in the 2nd half this year?  I know, it’s crazy talk from a guy that pees into milk bottles.  So far this year, he has his best K-rate of his career.  He has the 8th best K-rate in the major leagues.  He also has the 2nd best K/BB in all of baseball.  Just behind Roy Halladay.  At his current rate, Haren would have his worst ERA since his first half year.  That shizz doesn’t add up.  Striking out people, not walking people and a terrible ERA?  I know the 2nd half Boogie Monster scares Haren pretty good, but I think he might be able to fight the 2nd half terrors this year if his luck just evens out a little bit.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dana Eveland – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Has a K:BB ratio of 21:29, which looks like a Roland Emmerich film.  Both are terrible, by the way.

Carlos Silva – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and his 8th win.  Sometimes you don’t question how someone rolls 8 points in a row at a craps table.  You just put your money down and hope the dice stay hot.

Koyie Hill – Got the day off to let the former NL Rookie of the Year with a .404 OBP play a game.  How generous of Piniella to put aside his plan to kick start the offense with Koyie Hill.  Soto went 2-for-4 and he’s hitting .262 with 5 homers on the year.  His counting stats are an abomination, but 15 homers and a .270 average seems doable/usable.  However, I do know how frustrating it is when your catcher sits a few games a week, especially when they’re sitting for Koyie Hill.

Mike Fontenot – Got the day off after going 1 for his last 12, giving way to Theriot for a 2-for-3, 4 Runs, 2 steal day.  Again, Piniella put aside his offensive concerns and went with actual offense.

Starlin Castro – 0-for-3 and hitting .118 in the last week.  That rookie nookie got old pretty fast.  That was why after I told everyone to grab him, I then told everyone to sell him.  (Even if my example was to sell him for Asdrubal, who was injured about three days later.  Stupid crystal ball!)

Bryce Harper – Nats selected him first overall and he’s sure to make about a zillion dollars.  Yeah, but I have a college degree!  I wonder if Bryce Howard will rename herself Bryce Harper Howard if he visits her.

Daisuke Matuszaka – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and one more completely unpredictable start.

Chone Figgins – 3-for-4 and a steal as he was moved down to the nine hole.  That’ll help him breakout out of his season-long slump!… If he were still in that slump.  He had just raised his batting average 30 points in the ten games prior to getting moved down the order.  Is Don Wakamatsu the guy from Memento?  Someone please read the lineup card off his back.

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Getting playing time now that Mike Sweeney is on the DL.  He’s a poor man’s Big FraGu and a less angry Militant Bradley.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks as The Adverb modified the Rangers.

Alfredo Simon – Sticking with the adverb theme presently, Simon will return shortly and be the closer again immediately.

Wade LeBlanc – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Look at LeBlanc getting it done away from Petco.  Now if he can only get his post-Friends career off the ground.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2 homers and his third in the last two games.  Just four days ago, I said, “Would love to see this be the start of one of (Adrian’s) crazy homer binge streaks.”  Okay, let’s try this again.  Would love to see Adrian Gonzalez get traded to the Phillies and become a catcher.  Thank you!

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t want to make excuses for him, but he threw a wild pitch to get two runners into scoring position then let the pitcher hurt him with a single to score two runs.  It wasn’t like he was getting pounded.  Okay, I did want to make excuses.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer as he bats .276 with 5 steals.  Member when he was called up and it was the same as the Stanton madness?  Two years later still waiting for the explosion.  Yesterday, Karabell made his case for Stanton.  He ranked ten outfielders he liked more and ten outfielders he liked less than Stanton:  Bautista, Byrd, Cuddyer, Drew, Hawpe, Ibanez, Damon, The Big FraGu, Soriano, Markakis, Swisher, Jose Guillen, Carlos Lee and Willingham, to name a few.  I purposely mixed up which ones he liked more and which ones he liked less to point out how arbitrary the names are.  Damon’s on the list of names he likes more or less?  Think what you would say, then go with the opposite.  Carlos Lee?  I’m not sure if he was liked more or less and I just closed the window the post was on and don’t feel like going back to it.  You need The ESPN Hindsighter to read the whole thing, but you ain’t missing anything anyway.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’ll go over Strasburg and Stanton in this afternoon’s post in anticipation of Big Baby Jesus and Inspectah Upper-Decker.

Ryan Ludwick - 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Alternating productive years, huh?  Who are you, Bret Saberhagen?

Carlos Monasterios – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Did Monasterios steal Ely’s lucky monkey?  Eh, the Dodgers jumped out to an early lead and CM stayed away from dropping a BM.  Still not really worth anything outside of NL-Only leagues.

Blake DeWitt – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his first home run.  He dedicated his first four-bagger to his one-bagger mom, Joyce.

The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore.  Neither is a big surprise.  Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.  Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away.  The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady.  Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem.  I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news.  As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic.  He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return.  Will he be effective on his return?  What, I’m Nostradumbass?  I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business.  No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause.  To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart.  All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site.  The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here.  That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics.  Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order.  Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4.  For the foreseeable future, Manuel says Davis will be the cleanup hitter.  I like how Manual makes these announcements every few days.  First, Reyes will bat 3rd, then Chris Carter will bat cleanup, now Ike.  Waiting for the announcement where he says New Era will bat cleanup only later to realize he pulled the tag out of the hat.

Livan Hernandez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s May 20th and Livan’s ERA is still 1.62.  I will now go drink cyanide.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP and the Win.  After the game, Clippard told Storen, “You’re welcome.”

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Said I thought Buchholz could be the Sawx’s ace this year, he’s only confirmed my thoughts.  Really² loved Buchholz coming into this year, but didn’t end up with him on any team.  I was Buch-blocked.

David Ortiz – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 6 games as he bats .248.  Ortiz is no longer *pinkie to mouth* ice Papi.  Think this is the new Ortiz, homers and not much else.  His name garners more attention than he actually warrants.  If you own him, I’d see what he could get you on the trade market.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 1st steal of the season.  Also, he has 2 homers on the year.  Haven’t mentioned much about this because I spend enough time telling you people my correct preseason calls, but Mauer’s power has gone sour.  Told ya!

Carlos Zambrano – 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s how you stretch him out.  Niiiiice.

Kaz Matsui – The Astros released him.  It’s the youth movement in Houston as they turn to Jeff Keppinger.

Carlos Lee – Hit his 3rd homer in four days.  Carlos wasn’t happy at all about me saying his days were numbered, obvious lee.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with one home run while he was robbed of another home run because the ump missed the call and refused to review the replay.  Seriously, what’s the point of having replay if they’re not going to use it?  Umps are useless.  Get a real job, like writing a fantasy baseball blog.

Aroldis Chapman – Left his minor league game with a blister.  Wait until he sees how our health care compares to Cuba’s.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 as the Golden Glove outfielder returned to the Mariners.  In the postgame press conference, he thanked his family for their support, saying he was a humbler, changed man.  Then a reporter interrupted him and Milton Hulk-smashed the reporter’s head into a locker.

Michael Saunders – Sat out yesterday in favor of Bradley and could be in for a major reduction of time until Milton loses his shizz and karate kicks Figgy for looking at him the wrong way.  I give it a week.

Casper Wells – Who?  The guy Leyland put in the three hole.  Will someone please buy Leyland some blank lineup cards so he doesn’t have to hit Casper Wells third simply because he’s filling in for Magglio Ordonez?

Freddy Sanchez – 0-for-4.  Never been a fan Freddy Sanchez, but at MI he can provide very modest power and average.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I’d look just about anywhere else first, but there ya go.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’ve touted him enough by this point, right?  You don’t need me to go on any further, do you?

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Wade Davis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was a decent start for the youngster vs. the Yanks. (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.)  In 8 starts, he’s only gone longer than 6 innings once.  His WHIP isn’t pretty either, mostly because his walks are a bit out of control.  I’d let someone else deal with his potential/potential headache.

Jorge Posada – Will miss up to a month with a fractured foot.  Or as they say in England, a fractured meter.  If your DL slots are limited, I wouldn’t stress over holding onto Posada.  He’s still just a catcher.  Filling in for him…

Francisco Cervelli – Hasn’t done much except hit for average, but he’s done that well.  Now hitting .373 on the year.  Oh, and hat tip to frequent commenter, Buge Hoobs, who pointed out how much Cervelli looks like The Great Gazoo.

Will Venable – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Huge game, but he sits against most lefties and he’s batting .248 on the year.  Best case scenario, he gets 12 homers, 25 steals and a poor average on the year.  It’s okay in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy in mixed leagues.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 5 ER for an epic, glove-tossing meltdown.  Good to see Wood picked up right where he left off.  I wouldn’t drop Chris Perez just yet.  And if he’s out there on waivers, I’d grab him.

Lou Marson – Stole his 3rd base to open up the lead between him and Alcides.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, with a Run and RBI.  He’s been admittedly underrepresented in my roundups, but I find straight average guys yawnstipating.  Aviles is, however, batting .390.  There’s room for that on some teams.

Randy Wolf – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 15 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 5.10 ERA on the year.  Right now, I wouldn’t own Wolf with your team.

Nate McLouth – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s actually been hitting recently (.300 in his last 7 games), but he’s also batting 8th, which in an NL lineup is death, not depth.  Unless your league is deep, I’d just watch McLousy for now to see if he moves up the lineup.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in 2 games.  It took freakin’ forever, but Maybin seems like he might stick around in the majors for a little while.  Could be a photo finish in Florida between Coghlan and Ross for Stanton’s playing time.  Better make sure you punch out those Chads.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8Ks.  Has looked good for a few starts in a row now with a 3.28 ERA on the year.  But his last six starts have been against the Giants, Mets, Padres, Astros, Nats and a very cold Cards team.  I could have an under 4 ERA against those teams.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Going to see a psychologist to deal with his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher.  It’s the yips (which only sounds racist).  This reminds of the time I was at Benihana and the chef missed his hat with a shrimp tail three times in a row.  The Benihana’s chef’s name was Mackey Sasser.