Fantasy Baseball Advice

By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?!  Tough week for MIs.  Rollins must be contagious.  It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten.  This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team of jailbirds and hooligans onto the field in the heart of the pennant race.  Or maybe that was a movie pitch I overheard in a Hollywood Starbucks.  Neverthehoo!  Right now, Reyes doesn’t sound too bad with only a stiff back and not an issue with his oblique, the mystery ailment that sidelines players and no one has any idea where in the body it is.  Reyes said he could’ve even played last night.  Excellent, now keep him away from any Met doctors that treated Beltran’s day-to-day thing last year that knocked him out for over a year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4 as he hits third for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, it didn’t work for Reyes either.  Rollins is now batting .270 after returning from the DL with a .341 average.  Granted, that was only through 11 games, but they’re my small sample sizes and I’ll put them wherever I want.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 Hits, 0 Walks, 10 Ks and 119 pitches.  The 13 hits were a career high, the 119 pitches were not.  Not even his high in his last ten starts.  He’s a gingie horse… Nay (pun point)… He’s a gingie robot.  A gingie robot that wouldn’t mind some run support.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer.  He eats gingie robots for breakfast.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!  Where the heckfire you been?  Bruce hit his 10th homer yesterday as he bats .281 on the year.  I’d actually take five more homers and a .265 average.  Cust kayin’.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was vs. the Pirates so take it with a grain of NaCl.  But he now has an ERA of 3.14 and more Ks than innings.  I wouldn’t even be pointing him out if his next start vs. the Diamondhacks wasn’t favorable.  Mmm… deep flyer.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again with two straight quality starts.  If he falters against the Pirates in his next start, I may jump out my window.  Sure, I’m on the first floor, but it’s about the gesture.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 and now has two 4 hit games.  Tell me more, tell me more, can hit the ball far? Was that Grease, random italicized voice?  Stop judging me! The two four hit games surround a 1-for-12 stretch.  Definitely worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy with him yet in mixed leagues.

Barry Enright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Barry had pinpoint control in the minors, but gave 4 free passes in yesterday’s game.  But that might’ve just been nerves.  But II:  The Return of But, he might only be up for one start anyway.  But III:  But Lives, Willis may not stay in the rotation, which would give Barry more starts.  But IV:  But vs. However, even if Barry sticks in the rotation, he needs to prove himself in the majors before I’d add him.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 0 ER as the blind man picked up the saw and said, “Hey, I got a save!”

Chris Snyder – 3-for-4 but gave up 5 Cardinal steals.  I wonder if the Cards players own Montero in fantasy and this was their subtle hint to Hinch.

Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with his 14th Krispie fly.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (only 2 Walks), 4 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez just gave up two poorly timed homers.  Sure, I’m making excuses, but I own him everywhere.  Gotta stay positive, Mike Skinner.

Erik Bedard – Could return to the M’s rotation on Tuesday.  He just has to get through one final rehab start healthy.  Vegas isn’t taking bets, but I’d put his return next week at 4 to 1.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  It’s so sexy when he does that thing with the Ks and the no runs.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  He’s death against lefties, which is not the same as murdering lefties.  At .217 on the year, he’s nothing but an AL-Only OF at this point.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in his last 4 games.  Sure, he’s a head case, but he has 8 homers and 6 steals on the year in less than 200 ABs.  He should be owned in more than 3% of ESPN leagues.

Bengie Molina – With apologies to Alfred, the fattest, slowest Molina was sent from the Giants to the Rangers.  The Rangers add Molina to their organizational catching depth of Max Ramirez, Teagarden, Treanor and Saltalamacchia as they continue to follow the “catching wins championships” credo that has never worked for anyone.  Molina moves into a much better lineup and ballpark, which should help his numbers.  He’s a 15 homer, .260 hitter.  On the basepaths and the buffet line, he’s a station-to-station guy.

Buster Posey – With Molina moving to Texas, Posey gets a nod of approval and every day catching duties, which may not necessarily help his hitting since he now has a much harder position to play.

Matt LaPorta – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in the last two games.  You know the drill.  When guys are hitting, you what?  *taps finger, scratches head, whistles*  You own them!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Chris Perez – Got the save since Wood pitched in the three prior games.  Though if you saw the box score and thought Wood was gone, it’s understandable.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!  Why can’t he pitch well vs. bad teams and crappy vs. good ones?  Is that too much to ask?

Vladimir Guerrero – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers.  Must’ve been nice to not only homer twice off the Angels, but to hit one off of the impostor, Francisco Rodriguez.  If Vlad stays healthy, he can keep his name in the MVP conversation.  That “if” isn’t exactly Rhode Island-sized.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He flew through 7 innings only to give up 5 runs in the 8th as he tried to blow his own win and Greinke himself.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar looked sharp in his return.  He even struck out some hitters in this game.  If you’ve forgotten, Jurrjens’ bugaboo is he doesn’t K people.  A healthy Jar-Jar should absolutely be owned in your league.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer while hitting .274 and chipping in 3 steals.  You know what’s fascinating to me (which means it’ll be a yawnfest for you), if Jones hit .274 all year while spreading his 13 homers out over the first three months, he would be owned everywhere and people would harbor no ill will towards him.  This is why you draft guys you trust and let them play.   On the other hand, Markakis is suckakis.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 14th homer.  After the game, Casey McGehee called him to say, “Nice hit, Dad!”

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Probably a day late on that buy low Kemp trade offer.

Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  Hitting around .500 in the last week with 4 steals.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks with a 2.74 ERA on the year.  Aren’t you glad you loaded your team with hodgepadres?  I am.

Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t play because of shoulder soreness as the Padres exploded for 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Dustin Pedroia – Since he was unable to put any weight on his foot, he took grounders while on his knees.  He’s obviously been watching the instructional video, Dorf on Baseball.

Brandon Inge – 0-for-3, but after the game he was all smiles.  When asked why, he said he loves having books read to him with his adopted brother.

Dan Haren got the win yesterday, but his line was 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners and 5 Ks.  Did he see his shadow in Spring Training and now think spring w0n’t start until August?  Someone inform this young brother it’s the pre-All-Star Break.  Ergo, therefore, vise a vie, he’s supposed to be pitching well now.  He only has about a month before he turns into summer squash.  Right?  Well, what if he pitches well in the 2nd half this year?  I know, it’s crazy talk from a guy that pees into milk bottles.  So far this year, he has his best K-rate of his career.  He has the 8th best K-rate in the major leagues.  He also has the 2nd best K/BB in all of baseball.  Just behind Roy Halladay.  At his current rate, Haren would have his worst ERA since his first half year.  That shizz doesn’t add up.  Striking out people, not walking people and a terrible ERA?  I know the 2nd half Boogie Monster scares Haren pretty good, but I think he might be able to fight the 2nd half terrors this year if his luck just evens out a little bit.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dana Eveland – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Has a K:BB ratio of 21:29, which looks like a Roland Emmerich film.  Both are terrible, by the way.

Carlos Silva – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and his 8th win.  Sometimes you don’t question how someone rolls 8 points in a row at a craps table.  You just put your money down and hope the dice stay hot.

Koyie Hill – Got the day off to let the former NL Rookie of the Year with a .404 OBP play a game.  How generous of Piniella to put aside his plan to kick start the offense with Koyie Hill.  Soto went 2-for-4 and he’s hitting .262 with 5 homers on the year.  His counting stats are an abomination, but 15 homers and a .270 average seems doable/usable.  However, I do know how frustrating it is when your catcher sits a few games a week, especially when they’re sitting for Koyie Hill.

Mike Fontenot – Got the day off after going 1 for his last 12, giving way to Theriot for a 2-for-3, 4 Runs, 2 steal day.  Again, Piniella put aside his offensive concerns and went with actual offense.

Starlin Castro – 0-for-3 and hitting .118 in the last week.  That rookie nookie got old pretty fast.  That was why after I told everyone to grab him, I then told everyone to sell him.  (Even if my example was to sell him for Asdrubal, who was injured about three days later.  Stupid crystal ball!)

Bryce Harper – Nats selected him first overall and he’s sure to make about a zillion dollars.  Yeah, but I have a college degree!  I wonder if Bryce Howard will rename herself Bryce Harper Howard if he visits her.

Daisuke Matuszaka – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and one more completely unpredictable start.

Chone Figgins – 3-for-4 and a steal as he was moved down to the nine hole.  That’ll help him breakout out of his season-long slump!… If he were still in that slump.  He had just raised his batting average 30 points in the ten games prior to getting moved down the order.  Is Don Wakamatsu the guy from Memento?  Someone please read the lineup card off his back.

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Getting playing time now that Mike Sweeney is on the DL.  He’s a poor man’s Big FraGu and a less angry Militant Bradley.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks as The Adverb modified the Rangers.

Alfredo Simon – Sticking with the adverb theme presently, Simon will return shortly and be the closer again immediately.

Wade LeBlanc – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Look at LeBlanc getting it done away from Petco.  Now if he can only get his post-Friends career off the ground.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2 homers and his third in the last two games.  Just four days ago, I said, “Would love to see this be the start of one of (Adrian’s) crazy homer binge streaks.”  Okay, let’s try this again.  Would love to see Adrian Gonzalez get traded to the Phillies and become a catcher.  Thank you!

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t want to make excuses for him, but he threw a wild pitch to get two runners into scoring position then let the pitcher hurt him with a single to score two runs.  It wasn’t like he was getting pounded.  Okay, I did want to make excuses.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer as he bats .276 with 5 steals.  Member when he was called up and it was the same as the Stanton madness?  Two years later still waiting for the explosion.  Yesterday, Karabell made his case for Stanton.  He ranked ten outfielders he liked more and ten outfielders he liked less than Stanton:  Bautista, Byrd, Cuddyer, Drew, Hawpe, Ibanez, Damon, The Big FraGu, Soriano, Markakis, Swisher, Jose Guillen, Carlos Lee and Willingham, to name a few.  I purposely mixed up which ones he liked more and which ones he liked less to point out how arbitrary the names are.  Damon’s on the list of names he likes more or less?  Think what you would say, then go with the opposite.  Carlos Lee?  I’m not sure if he was liked more or less and I just closed the window the post was on and don’t feel like going back to it.  You need The ESPN Hindsighter to read the whole thing, but you ain’t missing anything anyway.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’ll go over Strasburg and Stanton in this afternoon’s post in anticipation of Big Baby Jesus and Inspectah Upper-Decker.

Ryan Ludwick - 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Alternating productive years, huh?  Who are you, Bret Saberhagen?

Carlos Monasterios – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Did Monasterios steal Ely’s lucky monkey?  Eh, the Dodgers jumped out to an early lead and CM stayed away from dropping a BM.  Still not really worth anything outside of NL-Only leagues.

Blake DeWitt – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his first home run.  He dedicated his first four-bagger to his one-bagger mom, Joyce.

The Disgraceful List claimed two more yesterday, Josh Beckett and Grady Sizemore.  Neither is a big surprise.  Closest Grady Sizemore came to taking off this year was in his amateur Playgirl shoot.  Even when he hit a home run, the rain washed it away.  The Indians are talking about knee surgery for Grady.  Turns out Tom Sizemore isn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem.  I’d DL Sizemore until more news surfaces, but, if recent history is any indication, new news (stutter much?) will be bad news.  As for Josh Beckett, I’m more optimistic.  He can miss a few weeks, put this back injury behind him (literally!) and return.  Will he be effective on his return?  What, I’m Nostradumbass?  I don’t know, but it’s possible he has a decent half season.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers and stash him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I jump into the roundup, quick bit of business.  No one likes to have to ask for shizz, but this voting thing at the Refresh Challenge is for a good cause.  To up the stakes, we’re donating a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart.  All you have to do is vote and comment “Razzball” over at the voting site.  The comment names will be chosen at random on Monday and the winner will be announced here.  That link again is http://pep.si/abEtbm — Wow, I feel like George Clooney.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Trevor Hoffman – Probably should be headed to the Disgraceful List but in the meantime the Brewers say he won’t pitch for a few days while he works on his mechanics.  Carlos Villanueva and Todd Coffey are the pickups, in that order.  Or the reverse order if you’re dyslexic.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4.  For the foreseeable future, Manuel says Davis will be the cleanup hitter.  I like how Manual makes these announcements every few days.  First, Reyes will bat 3rd, then Chris Carter will bat cleanup, now Ike.  Waiting for the announcement where he says New Era will bat cleanup only later to realize he pulled the tag out of the hat.

Livan Hernandez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s May 20th and Livan’s ERA is still 1.62.  I will now go drink cyanide.

Drew Storen – 2/3 IP and the Win.  After the game, Clippard told Storen, “You’re welcome.”

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Said I thought Buchholz could be the Sawx’s ace this year, he’s only confirmed my thoughts.  Really² loved Buchholz coming into this year, but didn’t end up with him on any team.  I was Buch-blocked.

David Ortiz – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in his last 6 games as he bats .248.  Ortiz is no longer *pinkie to mouth* ice Papi.  Think this is the new Ortiz, homers and not much else.  His name garners more attention than he actually warrants.  If you own him, I’d see what he could get you on the trade market.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 1st steal of the season.  Also, he has 2 homers on the year.  Haven’t mentioned much about this because I spend enough time telling you people my correct preseason calls, but Mauer’s power has gone sour.  Told ya!

Carlos Zambrano – 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s how you stretch him out.  Niiiiice.

Kaz Matsui – The Astros released him.  It’s the youth movement in Houston as they turn to Jeff Keppinger.

Carlos Lee – Hit his 3rd homer in four days.  Carlos wasn’t happy at all about me saying his days were numbered, obvious lee.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with one home run while he was robbed of another home run because the ump missed the call and refused to review the replay.  Seriously, what’s the point of having replay if they’re not going to use it?  Umps are useless.  Get a real job, like writing a fantasy baseball blog.

Aroldis Chapman – Left his minor league game with a blister.  Wait until he sees how our health care compares to Cuba’s.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 as the Golden Glove outfielder returned to the Mariners.  In the postgame press conference, he thanked his family for their support, saying he was a humbler, changed man.  Then a reporter interrupted him and Milton Hulk-smashed the reporter’s head into a locker.

Michael Saunders – Sat out yesterday in favor of Bradley and could be in for a major reduction of time until Milton loses his shizz and karate kicks Figgy for looking at him the wrong way.  I give it a week.

Casper Wells – Who?  The guy Leyland put in the three hole.  Will someone please buy Leyland some blank lineup cards so he doesn’t have to hit Casper Wells third simply because he’s filling in for Magglio Ordonez?

Freddy Sanchez – 0-for-4.  Never been a fan Freddy Sanchez, but at MI he can provide very modest power and average.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I’d look just about anywhere else first, but there ya go.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’ve touted him enough by this point, right?  You don’t need me to go on any further, do you?

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Wade Davis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was a decent start for the youngster vs. the Yanks. (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.)  In 8 starts, he’s only gone longer than 6 innings once.  His WHIP isn’t pretty either, mostly because his walks are a bit out of control.  I’d let someone else deal with his potential/potential headache.

Jorge Posada – Will miss up to a month with a fractured foot.  Or as they say in England, a fractured meter.  If your DL slots are limited, I wouldn’t stress over holding onto Posada.  He’s still just a catcher.  Filling in for him…

Francisco Cervelli – Hasn’t done much except hit for average, but he’s done that well.  Now hitting .373 on the year.  Oh, and hat tip to frequent commenter, Buge Hoobs, who pointed out how much Cervelli looks like The Great Gazoo.

Will Venable – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Huge game, but he sits against most lefties and he’s batting .248 on the year.  Best case scenario, he gets 12 homers, 25 steals and a poor average on the year.  It’s okay in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy in mixed leagues.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 5 ER for an epic, glove-tossing meltdown.  Good to see Wood picked up right where he left off.  I wouldn’t drop Chris Perez just yet.  And if he’s out there on waivers, I’d grab him.

Lou Marson – Stole his 3rd base to open up the lead between him and Alcides.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, with a Run and RBI.  He’s been admittedly underrepresented in my roundups, but I find straight average guys yawnstipating.  Aviles is, however, batting .390.  There’s room for that on some teams.

Randy Wolf – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 15 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 5.10 ERA on the year.  Right now, I wouldn’t own Wolf with your team.

Nate McLouth – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s actually been hitting recently (.300 in his last 7 games), but he’s also batting 8th, which in an NL lineup is death, not depth.  Unless your league is deep, I’d just watch McLousy for now to see if he moves up the lineup.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in 2 games.  It took freakin’ forever, but Maybin seems like he might stick around in the majors for a little while.  Could be a photo finish in Florida between Coghlan and Ross for Stanton’s playing time.  Better make sure you punch out those Chads.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8Ks.  Has looked good for a few starts in a row now with a 3.28 ERA on the year.  But his last six starts have been against the Giants, Mets, Padres, Astros, Nats and a very cold Cards team.  I could have an under 4 ERA against those teams.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Going to see a psychologist to deal with his inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher.  It’s the yips (which only sounds racist).  This reminds of the time I was at Benihana and the chef missed his hat with a shrimp tail three times in a row.  The Benihana’s chef’s name was Mackey Sasser.

In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability.  The gist is no.  Fran, at 85, had seen them all too.  About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be.  He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.”  Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article.  If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.”  If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough.  Can we get a interview with Fran?  Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects?  Mrs. Abramowitz, “Can Maybin turn it around?”  “I’ve seen potato pancakes bigger than him.  Put some apple sauce on his head and he’ll fall over.”  /Fran aside.

So, I have big love for Stanton (<–cable TV pun!), and I think he should be picked up in all leagues immediately.  Between Cody Ross, Coghlan and Maybin, the Marlins have no reason to keep Stanton down any longer.  He should be up in the next few weeks.  When he arrives, he’ll be good for power and maybe not much else.  He could be a drag on average.  Here’s what I said back in November, “In Single-A, he hit 39 homers while slashing .293/.381/.611.  There’s light tower power in his man-frame of 6’5″, 210 lbs. (for those in San Diego, that’s 3 and a half David Ecksteins, but only three-quarters of a Kyle Blanks.  Or Blanks sans afro.).  Last year, Stanton continued his assault on minor league pitching in High-A, then hit his first roadblock at Double-A.  Unable to make the necessary adjustments, he saw the one part of his game that was exploitable exploited.  He’s a hacker.  Even when he hit the 39 homers in 125 games in A, he struck out 153 times.  Last year, he K’d 99 times in 79 Double-A games, which led to .231/.311/.455.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since then, i.e., this year, he’s hit the ball wilder than any turkey Fran’s ever saw.  When he gets called up in June, think a line of 15-20 homers and a .255 average.  The hype alone makes him rosterable.  If you have him, I believe his hype will make it worth trading him in non-keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Scott Olsen – He gets the Rockies his next time out in Coors, which isn’t a start I’d want any part of, but then he gets the O’s, Giants and Astros, three clubs that punted hitting this year.

Derek Holland – I think he’ll be a matchups guy for certain stretches of the season.  Read:  When he’s at home.  Potatoes to chips, I’d still own him because he’s D-Nice with the Ks.

John Ely – Weird that this guy seems completely off everyone’s radar.  He has a 17:3 K:BB rate and he gets the Astros next time out.  That’s Lov-Ely.

Johnny Cueto – Sure, his name sounds like a bully from an 80′s movie and he treated you as such his first month, but he has a 33:12 K:BB and a 1.21 WHIP with three straight solid starts.  Cueto won’t hurt you… As long as you’re not a dork!

Randy Wells – I know it’s weird for you to go after a pitcher who hasn’t pitched that well so far.  This is a trust exercise.  Just fall back, Wells will catch you.

Troy Glaus – Hitting .400 over the last week with 2 homers.  He got so hot it was a Glaussian blur!  What?  Terrible?  Yeah, probably.

Luke Scott – ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!

Travis Snider – Member why you drafted him in March?  Yeah, none of that has changed, he just started slow.  Still plenty of time for him to breakout.  Or not.  But it’s worth the chance on upside.

Michael Saunders – Maybe because his last name sounds like he likes to walk leisurely, but I’m finding it hard to build enthusiasm about Saunders.  Is he rosterable in deep leagues?  Yeppers.  Is he better than a poor man’s FraGu?  Not on your Mom Mom’s life.

Alfredo Simon – You know the douche that updates his Facebook page whenever he has something to brag about?  Yeah, well, I’m going to post about how I picked Alfredo Simon up in a fantasy league.  Take that, douche who just got a new job!

Jose Contreras – Yes, it’s saves.  I’m just worried that after you’re done with him you’re going to have a screwvenir of an unsightly ERA and WHIP.

Manny Corpas – No better than Contreras, only 47 years younger.

John Buck – One catcher I’m mentioning this week.  McCann + V-Mart + Mauer is less than Buck’s power so far.  Ain’t that a kick in the pants?

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Every time I watch him at the plate, I feel like some depressing David Gray song should be playing in the background.  It’s like every lemming in the world has Beckham on their team.  Even if he rights the ship, what are you going to get? 14/10?  I just popped a zit and it gave me more satisfaction.  Lose him, it’s time to move on.

Kyle Blanks – It’s time to start making some tough choices.  Blanks seems like a good guy.  It’s well documented that he can carry around 17 cookie elves in the palm of his hand.  But his strikeouts right now?  A taco diarrhea mess.  You get power off waivers elsewhere.  That’s a command, Lieutenant.

Jason Kubel – We’re cleaning house today, huh?  In the rankings, I said, “Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick.  There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team.  Trust me, he won’t.”  And that’s me anticipating you dropping Kubel!

Starlin Castro – Whatchu talkin’ about, Grey?!  You just told us to pick him up!  Yeah, and now I’m telling you like Yoda would that the hype is too strong in him.  Now don’t trade him for a set of gold fronts, but I’d definitely see what I could get.  Say Asdrubal and a donkeycorn?  You’re coming out on top of that.  And tell’m Grey sent ya!  Though that might just confuse them.

I’m bitter.  I dropped Brennan Boesch in one league on Wednesday night for Russell Branyan.  Branyan DNP yesterday.  Boesch hit a homer off CC.  All my ex-classmates at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston are going get on my case.  That’s Waiver Wire 101, man!  I’m chagrined. The problem is someone like Branyan will continue to play after Carlos Guillen comes back.  For one, they don’t play on the same team.  I can’t say the same about Boesch.  I mean, I can, but it would be a lie.  Boesch can hit; I like the little meister.  If Guillen has a setback, I’ll want to own Boesch from H-to-T.  Or if the Tigers make Guillen the backup, I’m all in on Boesch, but I’m going on the assumption that he won’t have everyday playing time when Guillen returns.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Imagine if he ever got his April act together.  But then maybe his September pitching would be a holy eff bomb.  Not sure.  Something to think about while your significant other is talking about their day.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-3, Lost in the haze of Gordon Beckham’s awfulness is this guy.  Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks as he got Greinke’d.  The next sentence will be typed with my tears.  I can’t buy a Win.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with a home run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Now go to the Razzball homepage and don’t blink for five hours.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-3, batting .185 on the year.  The good news is it’ll be easy to go back to hating this schmohawk next year.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks as he finally got his first win.  Just like the Royals to fire their manager after a Win.  How dare you raise our fan’s expectations!

Alfredo Simon – Recorded his 5th save yesterday.  Now has more saves than Broxton.  Zoinks!

Corey Patterson – 2-for-4 with a homer from the leadoff spot.  He was hitting in the minors when he was called up and he’s capable of getting hot for a week or two at a time.  In the big picture, Patterson is not a good hitter, so if you want in, you get in now.  You’ll need to get out soon though.  To put it in New Jersey terms, you pass through Patterson, you don’t stay there.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has 8 homers in only 27 games since he missed just over a week with injuries.  “If he stays healthy, he appears to be headed for a huge season,” Mr. Obvious says.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I blame the weather.  No, I blame Coors.  No, I blame Ryan Zimmerman.  Actually, I blame Chacin and the fact he’s a rookie.  Inconsistency is to be expected when you play with rookie fire.  And Jhoulys is Aztec for fire.  No, that’s not true.  I don’t know what a Jhoulys is.  Could mean pants.

Huston Street – Supposed to be a week away from returning, but Huston Street is paved with a lot of injury setbacks, so keep your excitement in check.

Hank Blalock – Scott Boras is telling anyone that will listen that Blalock can still play in the majors and he wants in now.  Though, it’s probably Boras’s assistant; can’t imagine S.B. has time to worry about Blalock.  Put Teixeira on hold, Blalock is on the line!  Riiiiight.  Blalock did hit last year and should be capable of producing in the majors, but he needs an everyday job.  I’m not adding him anywhere.  If you’re in a very deep league, I could see it.  Like an 18 team league that only uses Scott Boras clients.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Wait, was he pitching against the Astros?  Norris has upside, but he’s far too inconsistent to trust in mixed leagues at this point.

Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, as he hit his 5th homer and his third in four games. Your time to buy low is 4 PM, three days ago.

Jorge Cantu – 0-for-4 as he bats .146 in May.  Member when I told you to sell him at the end of April?  Member all of the people who commented that Cantu can keep this up?  Wha’ happened?

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 as he got his 2nd straight start after only getting one start in the previous two weeks.  I realize Landon Powell is awesome and all on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Josh Donaldson is related to Colby, but can’t someone figure out how to play Jake Fox every day?  He has catcher eligibility!

Mat Latos – 9 IP, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks.  The only player to get a hit was Eli Whiteside, who I would think looks like Hyman Roth if I didn’t know any better.  The good news on Latos, he’s cut his walks dramatically so far this year, which was a bugaboo last year.  It’still early, but he has a 0.97 WHIP on the year.  A very nice sign.  BTW, the “s” I saved in “It’still,” I’m passing that on to you.  You’re welcome.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now has a 2.66 ERA and 1.07 WHIP on the year.  I’d be thrilled if he stays on this course all year.  Okay, a Win would be nice, but if I wanted Wins I’d own Tyler Clippard.

Mark DeRosa – Could be headed to the DL.  If it happens, John Bowker will get his third chance to fail in three years.  If only the very forgiving Giants had Jake Fox…

Brad Lidge – The MRI showed no problems with his right elbow.  After the test, Lidge said he felt so good he could go for another three MRIs.