If I didn’t wear cowboy boots to the community pool.  If I didn’t ooze machismo like I’m Fonzie and John Wayne’s baby which they had during the intermission of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.  If I weren’t such a gee-dee man’s man — exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark — I’d el oh el right now like a 13-year-old girl.  Perfect through six and two-thirds (final line: 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (0 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.97) from a guy that has caused more ulcers than your wife’s best friend’s bright idea to videotape your wife’s bachelorette party.  She cheated on you, doode, and he was hung like Carlos Lee.  Michael Pineda, why do you cause such ulcers, I ask like I’m at Ellis Island in 1931.  I also have the scurvy, as I continue for no apparent reason.  Okay, seriously, I don’t know what to make of Michael Pineda.  He has the stuff, as George Carlin once said, to be a 2.50 ERA pitcher with 220 Ks.  He could also have a 5.50 ERA and be sent down by July.  If someone tells you they know which one he’ll be, they’re lying.  Would I own him?  Sure.  Would I always enjoy it?  C’mon, man, pay attention!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

College represented a wonderful season for Spring Break. Take all the general notions you have about the sun, the skin and the standards of attending an SEC school and, well, magnify them. Spring Break delivered an opportunity to experience those glories not just within your own bubble of a university, but through the intermingling of many. It broke down barriers. It let you see new places and meet new faces (there’s a rap lyric in there somewhere). It altered preconceived thoughts. And not just because of the imbibing, but due to the encounters with those that cheered for your hated rival. Case in point? The cruise through the Caribbean my junior year at UGA.

Listen, there’s nothing good about the University of Florida. Oh, you like chatched up hair, bro tanks, dude’s with diamond earrings and jorts? Well, it’s the place for you. As you can see, I clearly play into building the stereotypes of your rivals. As you can also see, all of the reasons have to do with one gender. I’m leaving out the ladies due to that Caribbean cruise. Now, before you begin believing that anything scandalous and debaucherous occurred, pump the brakes. It was a ton of fun, but MTV Spring Break it was not. The girls from UF that accompanied our crew of a dozen dudes were ev. er. ee. thing. From the pools, to the paradise excursions, to the parties and the pina coladas, I found myself leaving that week with a new respect for something from UF. (Still the only good thing about that school – and yes, I’m probably just jealous, because they are almost always better than us in sports.)

Right now I’m finishing our family’s Spring Break. Ten years later a lot has changed. No cruises, just carriers. For babies. No mini-bars, just mini-vans. No group of girls from UF, just one girl that’s far better than any of them ever dreamed of being. (You can read the Week 1 Primer to get an idea of #adulting in real life. And for an idea of how this series works.) But this year something was enjoyed the same as in 2007…pina coladas.

See, the good memories from the past can creep into the present with renewed enjoyment. In real life we’re talking about those Garth Brooks beverages. In fantasy we’re talking about peripheral stats and ‘stuff.’ You choose which one is better.

There are plenty of caveats to declare for the Week 2 edition of the Two-Start Starters. The lack of 2017 evidence after just one week for park factors, pitcher’s performance, and team hitting trends leaves us a little shorthanded in determining the best options. However, when you look to last year and combine it with what you can garner from just one week you can make a case for some strong options. For instance, I want the guy that posted a 3.80 FIP in 175 IP last year while bringing a 10.61 K/9 and a 2.72 BB/9. Oh, he went 6-12 and had an ERA closer to 5? That’s about as unlucky as my boy JoMo with any of those UF girls. Look beyond the traditional stats and you’ll find a high probability for not just one, but two great starts from someone who failed to get out of the fourth in his first start. It’s like pina coladas. In 2007 and 2017 it’s the same thing: what’s better than a cool, tropical, sweet adult beverage? Two of them.

And for the record, pina coladas are far better when swirled with a strawberry daiquiri. Miami Vice’s #ftw.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Moogly-boogly!  It’s been a long winter.  The Buy/Sell Column’s back, helping you know when the hell you’re supposed to stop working early on Friday.  During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Skidmark, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from Moonlight with puppets in the BBQ Belt of Alabama because I’M HARDCORE!  You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that simulates puppets having hand-sex on a beach to a very anti-puppet sex audience!?  Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Tyler Saladino.  Last year, Saladino had eight homers and 11 steals in only 298 ABs while hitting .282.  One year in the minors, he stole 38 bases, and, one year in the minors, he hit 16 homers.  Put that together, and you have Francisco Lindor!  Okay, kidding, but he’s hitting leadoff, is eligible at 2B and SS, and can get a few homers while also stealing some bases.  And I’m not excited about him simply because I named one of my puppets in Alabama, Tosser Saladino.  My love for Saladino did not start when I heard he had a brother named Cucumber Saladino.  Wrong, I don’t love Saladino simply because I’m in LA and I picture him topped with wheatgrass.  Eff your wheatgrass, Los Angeles!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Somewhere, Melissa Leo is acting out today’s title and it’s so spot on you’re not sure if you should applaud, or put your wallet in the front pocket.  “I came straight from the packie because I heard you were having a sale on shamrock undergarments.  Are you having a shamrock undergarment sale or not?”  That’s Melissa Leo acting out the title.  Okay, okay, okay, guys and six girl readers and one girl writer. (She debuted yesterday; is there a female verb for that?  She debutante’d yesterday?  She debbie’d yesterday?  She damsel’d yesterday?  I’m asking, don’t roll your eyes at me like I’m a moron; I’ve had enough of that!)  Chris Sale looked great yesterday (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks), but you knew he was going to look great.  You didn’t draft him in the first three rounds for him to look like hot garbage under Pablo Sandoval’s ass.  Or, rather, you didn’t not draft him in the first three rounds because I told you not to.  But you know who looked as good in Fenway?  Jameson Taillon (7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks).  He doesn’t miss a huge number of bats — will average around 7.7 K/9 — but his control is masterful.  He will have around a 1.7 BB/9, if not lower.  When a guy has a difference of six between his K/9 and BB/9 great things can happen, and Taillon will be no different.  I’m not sure if he’ll get all the way to 190+ IP this year, but he had a 3.38 ERA last year, and I’m ready for around the same this year, if not better.  Like Melissa Leo would say, “This guy is fahkin spacktackulure.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[Editor’s Note]: Greetings, Razzers, it’s that guy Sky you all maybe kinda remember from that one post about that one guy from that one time. I’m telling ya, it was memorable! But even if not, I wanted to slide into your interwebs for a minute and let you know we’ve got a new bag this year with DFS as we’re working with FanDuel Wednesday thru Saturday, breaking down the slates on the daily with our usual mix of bad grammar and unbridled enthusiasm that you’ve come to love. I for one welcome our new DFS overlords…please come along with me and welcome them too!

Welcome everyone! The Collector here, breaking down this beautiful Wednesday slate on FanDuel for you! If you don’t play on FanDuel now is the time to sign up and play. I first want to say how happy I am baseball is back, I’ve only been waiting 6 months for this (you can only play so much dfs hockey/pga). I’m first going to break down exactly what I will be doing for you guys this season. I’ll be giving you guys gpp plays, and try to avoid chalk (though that’s not always possible). As a gpp player I think I can help those out who want to play gpps as well. You won’t be seeing me say “Play Colorado in Coors” (BORING) or “Play Kershaw against the Padres” (ok this may happen but I’ll try really hard not to go there).

Today we have a 12 game slate, biggest one to date. At first glance this seems like a solid slate with very little weather issues (besides in Cincinnati). Let me breakdown my chalk plays real quick at each position

SP J Degrom (9800) R hill (9600)

C G Sanchez (3400) B Posey (3300

1B P Goldschmidt (4300) either E Thames (2400) or T Joseph (2000)

2B R Odor (3500)

3B N Arenado (4100) M Machado (3900)

SS T Turner (3700)

OF M Trout (4800) B Harper (4600) M Betts (4500) A Eaton (3500) A Benintendi (3300) J Pederson (3100)

Now onto the picks…

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care! ‘But I already have a FanDuel account’, you say? Well our FanDuel link ALSO shows you care by leading you to a daily $3 contest, letting them know that we let you know about it and them through us. It’s, like, totes radical!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before we jump right into this draft recap, let’s go over a little bit of background about the league and its details. This isn’t like the typical RCL 5×5 rotisserie league we often talk about in this space. LOEG is a 10×10 head-to-head keeper league, with 10 teams and four keepers per team from year to year. The league has been around for something like ten years and has been graced by the presence of yours truly for the past five.

Since the categories, scoring, and rules are a little different in this league I’ll break down all the details below. I think it’s important to break this down a bit first because not only do I want to bore you to death, but I want you to have all the information while you are going over the results and making fun of my team in the comments section. Anyway, here we go:

Razzball Commenter Leagues are open! Play against our contributors and your fellow readers for prizes. Join here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Today concludes the fantasy baseball sleepers‘ portion of our program.  *nudges homeless woman sleeping on my couch that I tried to get Cougs to agree to a threesome with*  No more sleepers, Francine.  Meh, I’ll let her rest.  Like the outfielders to target, this post is necessary.  You need to target the right names at the end of the draft for starters.  Last year’s starters to target post included Gausman, Paxton, Velasquez, Nola, McCullers and Rich Hill.  All guys who this year are in my top 40 starters.  This year…the world!  Well, not the world, just some starters.  As with other target posts, these guys are being drafted after the top 200 overall.  Anyway, here’s some starters to target for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I have no idea if anyone at ESPN actually ranks people.  There’s talk of it.  Like, “Yo, Klara Bell, you do your rankings yet?”  “No, did you?”  Then Cockcroft makes farting noises with his armpit.  All I ever see at ESPN is consensus rankings.  I have to figure out how to do this “consensus” thing.  Talk about a nice way to avoid taking any blame for anything.  “Hey, man, sorry about Andrew McCutchen being ranked so high this year, but these are ‘consensus’ rankings.”  Let’s turn to a conversation between two random fantasy baseballers.  “Cockcroft has said he doesn’t like Cano this year.”  “But ESPN has him 34th overall.”  “Yeah, doesn’t apply when talking about Cockcroft.”  “So, when does it apply?”  “When talking about ESPN.”  “But Cockcroft is at ESPN”  “Yeah, still doesn’t apply.”  “Can you explain that?”  “Nope.”  Then heads explode.  Consensus rankings are done by committee.  Only thing ever done better by committee is jerk seasoning.  Now, while you might think ESPN’s rankings have a ton of jerk seasoning, they are just an indecipherable mess.  But why bring up all of this when I’m about to take a blowtorch to Yahoo’s 2017 fantasy baseball rankings?  Thanks for asking, clunky expositional question!  Yahoo has consensus rankings, but they also show their work.  Each ‘pert is accounted for in their rankings.  This is already much better than ESPN.  You can at least see what Pianowski, Funston, Behrens and Triple D are thinking individually.  This, of course, doesn’t mean I agree with all of their rankings, but at least I can point to how they came to their consensus.  Anyway, here’s where my 2017 fantasy baseball rankings differ from the 2017 Yahoo fantasy baseball rankings:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Our 2017 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Kanye’s Runaway:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are under that link.  Why are you lifting your computer?  Not literally under that link!  Okay, you’re thick like a CVS receipt folded in half twelve times.  In years past, the top 40 starters is a mix of guys I like and don’t like.  Like a high cholesterol cow, it’s about half and half.  This year, I really had to struggle to find guys that I didn’t want to draft in the top 40 starters.  In the end, there were five starters in this top 40 starter post I was less okay, and more amscray.  Each fantasy team needs about six starters total, so tell me again why you need to draft starters early?  There’s a ton of them, like, this is simple math.  So, simple, there’s no actual number and just ‘a ton.’  As with past rankings, my tiers and projections are included for the low, low price of $19.99!  Kidding, they’re free.  The oxygen you need to live while reading them is gonna cost you though.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?