The afternoon started with Matt Harvey. He pitched a stellar 7 innings with 13 Ks, but Terry Collins sent him out there in the 8th after throwing 110 pitches, which lead to two singles and a walk, three runners that the bullpen let in. After the game, Collins said, “I felt bad for Duda (who blew a chance for a Harvey no-hitter by not covering first base on Heyward’s infield single). I couldn’t let Duda make the only Metsake of the game. I was going to keep pitching Harvey until he screwed up. He’d have started the nightcap, if necessary.” Fortch, it wasn’t necessary, as the nightcap brought on Zack Wheeler‘s debut with a line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks. To summarize, it was shaky as all get-out at first. He looked like he couldn’t hit the broadside of Precious. Then he either calmed, or realized something — if he could locate, no one could hit him. He can easily be as good as Harvey, but I’m guessing it won’t be until next year. Last night was the best you could’ve hoped for. To summarize that summary, he was shaky, then solid. To summarize the summary’s summary, Zack good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
They say baseball is a game of inches. When ‘they’ say that, ‘they’ are wearing a plaid jacket and flood pants. They also have adult acne. But if baseball really is a game of inches, the Tigers are packing heat in their lineup like John Holmes. So, for all other teams’ fans, I ask you gently, Tigers, please don’t have good pitching too. I mean, besides Verlander and Scherzer and Fister and Anibal, because that would just be unfair. Yesterday, it appeared they had that with Rick Porcello. He went eight innings with zero earned runs, four baserunners and 11 Ks. After his eleventh K, the sound system played, “Rick’s a Jolly Porcello.” That is the best game I can remember from Porcello, by far, and I use all of his game logs as toilet paper, so I’d remember. I mean, what else am I doing in the john? Answering comments? Well, maybe. Just keep that in mind when you’re asking me who I’d drop. Porcello’s xFIP looks solid and his walks have always been stellar. The one flaw in his game I didn’t like was his ability to K people. So far this year, his K-rate is up and way up after yesterday. If you’re struggling to find a starter, I could see adding Porcello, but there’s risk because he does tend to have huge blow ups. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day. If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs. As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, spelling’s for sissies! The Mariners made it a bit more joyous for some of us fantasy baseballers when they demoted Dustin Ackley for Nick Franklin. Ackley was a guy I could never fully get behind, in a non-sexual way. He arrived in the majors with a ton of hype, but that’s more because Mariners fans lie to themselves more than anything Ackley showed. So, what does the Mustache King, Purveyor of Smart Stuff Who Should Be Able To Come Up With A Better Word Than Stuff If He Were That Smart think about Franklin? Brucely, I’m a bit meh, but I’d pick him up in all leagues and have. Franklin looks similar to Ackley. He has power and speed, but not in a huge way, which will be further suppressed by Safeco. Safeco: Where a hitter’s upside goes to die. Franklin’s best year in the minors was in A-Ball in 2010. To put that into a relatable comparison, you were your town’s best T-ball hitter, how well did you do in high school? You flunked out of high school? Point made. This year, he had 4 homers and 7 steals in Triple-A, and I’d put it at about a 25% chance that his end of the season numbers look the same for the Mariners. If you can’t find someone that can get you 4 homers and 7 steals from now until October, you’re not trying very hard. There is a chance for upside and he is only 22 years old, so I’d take the gamble and grab him. Best case scenario, 15 homers, 15 steals. Worst case scenario, he shows up at the nightclub you like to take your lady to, challenges you to a dance battle, beats you, screaming “You got served!” and your lady leaves with him. Most likely scenario, he hits 8 homers, steals 12 bases and bats .250, so watch how you spend your FAAB Benjamins on Franklin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Almost two months into the 2013 Major League Baseball season and things have suddenly turned into Bizarro World from the Superman comics. Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says, ”Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Coke tastes like Pepsi, Bizzaro USA is Canada and Bizarro Tom Cruise is a heterosexual, black orthodox Jew. The Bizarro Code states, “Us do opposite of all Earthly things!Please, blog, may I have some more?
First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Sorry, that’s a visual you won’t get out of your head for a long time. It’s like two girls, one shower stool. Can’t you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn’t old age…. Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and… Still lights out. This was one bad start, don’t panic. C’mere, let me massage your shoulders and… I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Because I can’t have anything nice. That is the answer to why David Price left the game injured. For those of you worried about me, I’m gonna be okay. I have the love of a good cougar. Too bad she can’t pitch for my goddamn fantasy team! Why do you laugh at me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord? Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “Because you traded Machado for him and no man’s love will come before myself or Machado.” “I didn’t know. Is this a new fantasy commandment? All I saw was David Price’s K-rate was down last April too and he went on to win the Cy Young?!” “Are you interrogating me? The man who molded Billy Butler’s moobs with my own two hands.” Sorry, have I not serviced you correctly? Would you like a reach around? Do you have to rain frogs down on my team? Hello? Oh, I guess I lost him, stupid iPhone. And I lost David Price too. So, Price left because of triceps tightness. Hopefully after a DL stint, he’ll be back to his old dbnsjicns Oops, will cross my fingers when I’m done with the post. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, Rudy is safe. We have him in a padded room with only marshmallows to eat. He’s a bit overcome by the absence of color, but it will be a good distraction while Bryce Harper is touch and go. Before we put Rudy where he wouldn’t hurt himself, Rudy said to me, “If Bryce Harper is hurt, will they cancel the rest of the season?” That’s a frown question, bro. Lie down, Rudy. It’ll be okay. Actually, could you lie down with your head hanging off the couch? You’re gonna leave a Soul Glo stain. I’m sure Rudy isn’t the only one feeling a bit woozy hearing Harper hurt himself last night. The entire eye black industry hangs in the balance. He left yesterday’s game with an apparent injury and that turned into an apparent diagnosis of an apparent bad bruise in his apparent side. Thanks for the apparency. This sounds like a day-to-day thing rather than a 15-day DL thing. So the worst thing that may come of this is for the next few days you won’t get as drunk if you take a tequila shot every time someone on Baseball Tonight mentions Harper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Roy Halladay makes every hitter look like Babe Ruth right after he burped. (Burping was the key to his success; I watched a documentary.) Roy’s gotta hit the Disgraceful List, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s in everyone’s best interest at this point. Watching him is like seeing Carol Channing before someone told her to use a mirror to apply makeup. “How’d I get this lipstick on my ears? Maybe a dab of mascara on the ol’ chin!” You should’ve heard me saying that line like Carol Channing in my head. It’s just real sloppy out there right now for Roy. If he’s not hurt, his fantasy owners may find him in a dark alley and change that. If he is hurt, stop taking one for the team, you gamer you. “I’m a gamer. I grind like I’m old school, Jodeci, going riding roughshod over fantasy ratios…Horatio…Alger, in reverse.” That’s Roy doing beat poetry. At this point, I’d bench him against most teams until he starts piecing together something less craptastic. You might, unfortunately, have the reincarnation of 2012 Lincecum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s always about you, Rockie Rookie. Man, Rockie Rookie, you are set up to conquer the world and didn’t leave me sh*t! Like you own the whole goddamn country, Rockie Rookie. (Only funny in Lou Diamond Phillips’ brother’s voice from La Bamba.) Late on Saturday night the Rockies answered my prayers to fix my Mike Mostsuckass 3rd base shituation and called up Nolan Arenado. To make the move happen, the Rockies designated Chris Nelson for assignment. His assignment was to stop sucking. Arenado isn’t the answer to the world’s prayers for clean water and/or a toilet that sprays air freshener into your butt after you poop. He won’t end world hungry and/or make sure everyone can one day appreciate jazz so the people who do appreciate jazz will stop saying, “Aw, man, you just don’t appreciate jazz.” He’s pretty much Pacheco or Nelson with a little more power. Maybe 17 homer power with ten of those coming at home, but A) He has upside. B) He’s in Coors. C) There’s no C. D) The Rockies would be fools to call him up and not play him unless he completely bombs out. E) I don’t feel like going all the way back to A and re-reading, have I mentioned the upside thing? F) What about the fact he’s in Coors? Have I said that? Have I said there’s no C? So, right there, there’s six to ten (I didn’t count) legit reasons to pick him up in all mixed leagues. For serious, grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We are almost through April and most fantasy baseball owners fall in two categories. There are those owners that have gotten off to a good start and feel pretty comfortable about their teams. Maybe almost too comfortable. Then there are the “OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-HAVE-I-DONE!!!!” owners. You know who you are. I feel ya. I do. Hell, I’ve been there. Something has gone astray. You didn’t draft well or you had a minor Jerry Maguire freak-out moment and then proceeded to make a bad trade. This stuff happens to everyone, so how do you start to right the ship? There are some moves that you can make that to either stop the bleeding or to continue a fast start.Please, blog, may I have some more?