Fantasy Baseball Advice

News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month.  Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters.  Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly.  We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw!  If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback.  Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August.  It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about.  No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater.  No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co. building and rename it Kyle Blanks Auditorium.  They called up Anthony Rizzo!  Today.  Supposedly.  When I say, “Exciting,” you say, “Padres!”  Exciting… Padres!  Exciting…Padres!  Unexciting…Padres!  Fooled you.  Rizzo’s in the same ginormous boat as every other hitter that plays at Petco.  It’ll hurt his power, but he should still be able to hit some bombs.  For the rest of the year, I’ll conservatively give him 17 homers and a .250 average.  He’s capable of a bit more power and a lot less average.  But, as with most rookies, you take the flyer on upside and hope he pans out.  That’s me, Grey “Fantasy Master Lothario” Albright, telling you to go pick him up in every league.  Yeah, even that one.  And that one too.

Dustin Moseley – Left yesterday’s game with a non-throwing shoulder injury.  Remember, Padre fans — Rizzo!

Brett Lawrie – Has a fractured hand, no relation to Brad.  Now he won’t be up until around August.  I’d go ahead and drop him in redraft leagues, unless you’re not paying attention to your team but still reading this, which seems odd but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Adam Lind – 4 home runs in 5 games.  Yeah, he can get to 35 home runs this year.  You Gotta Believe isn’t just a title of a Marky Mark album.

Danny Espinosa – A Cain pitch hit Espinosa on the hand causing visible pain. You know what’s worse than a .218 hitter?  A .218 hitter nursing a hand injury.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  As Cain did everything you could ask for, Barry Zito Foursquared from a bathtub (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3 with a caught stealing, which is whatever but it’s always good to see guys at least trying to give some fantasy value.  In other Brandon Crawford news, Bochy says he’ll continue to start when Sandoval returns next week.  That means Tejada has about a week to strengthen his case for the Hall of Fame.

Mike Carp – M’s manager said Carp would only see 3-4 starts per week.  To get dyslexic on you, crap.

Pedro Alvarez – Tweaked his strained right quad resulting in a setback in his rehab.  Vote for Pedro…as the lamest 3rd baseman in 2011.  Both definitions of lame work.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.39 ERA on the year, a 1.18 WHIP and a terrible walk to strikeout ratio.  I actually own Maholm in one league, which is a little scary since I’m not sure Maholm would own himself in a fantasy league.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 10th home run, a walk off blast, which gave Daniel McCutchen the win.  Then the Pirates played ‘We Are Family’ and everyone hugged.  Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a player hit a walk-off homer to give someone with the same last name the win.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard recently at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Bill, in human resources, smells of onions for a record five straight days.”

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Good (for Duke) start.  Through 126 1st half innings in 2009, he had a 3.29 ERA, so he is capable of an extended run of decent starts.  But sometimes you take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up for six innings and five earned runs.

Joba Chamberlain – To the DL with a flexor strain.  Someone went too heavy on the shake weight.  As Joba’s drug dealing mom would tell you, “Smoke the shake, don’t shake the weight.”

Alexi Ogando – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He dedicated his non-regression to all the nerds that know what FIP stands for.

Aaron Cook – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s back and healthy.  And that’s where the positivity ends.

Eric Young Jr. – Did not start.  I like him better than Gordon, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Dee Gordon is starting.  You gotta go with the starter.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 2Ks.  Bud Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with his 14th steal as he finally got the start.  It’s almost as if the manager forgot how good he was before his injury.  Play Bourgeois, you capitalist pig!

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His sister, Mary Stuart, must have pumped him up for this start.  Obviously she was more of a help for him than for her boyfriend last year on the Dodgers, Eric Stults.

Cord Phelps – 0-for-4, was called up by the Indians and started at 2nd base.  Cord has solid plate discipline and a lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.  Pretty average power and speed.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re grasping at straws right now if you go for a roll in the hay with him.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal.  But it came at the expense of my Masterson.  Damn you, Ben Revere.  Why can’t you just be happy being a character in a Ben Affleck Masshole thriller?  You had to go and sully Masterson’s line.  Get it, Sully!  Revere’s looking like a decent deep league addition.  Shoot, he’s looking better than Span at this point, though that’s a bit of a ‘no compliment’ compliment.  He’s a player that I could see Gardy giving everyday playing time to even when Kubel and Thome return.

Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .230.  Nice showing!  Everyone knows that all Canadians are robots.  Can’t Gardy reboot Morneau?  Or can they upgrade to the Vottomatic?

Michael Brantley – 3-for-5.  He’s hitting .295 on the year with 5 homers and 8 steals, i.e., he’s on pace for a Victorino type year — 100/10/60/.280/25.  Frankly, he should be getting more press from me.  He’s having a real solid fantasy 5th outfielder year.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs.  “Now, wait one second, Mini Donkeys don’t eat slam and legses,” said a’la Jimmy Stewart.  Not sure why, but his voice is stuck in my head.  Mr. Potter!  Reynolds does seem like he’s finally found his power stroke.  If anyone remembers his 2009, he can get blazing hot for extended periods of time.  Do keep in mind he only has 4 multiple hit games since April 13th, so his average may peak at .230.

Zach Britton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Start anyone vs. the A’s.  You have my permission.

Reid Brignac – Finally, he hit his first home run of the year.  Geez, what a bust.  Billy Butler, “Please, that’s no bust.”

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-3 with 2 runs.  He was bumped down the order, but he is starting every day.  I’m farting in your general direction, Eric Young Jr.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s actually been solid or terrible in every start.  5 IP, 4 ER start here; 7 IP, 1 ER start there.  If you’ve been able to stomach that, his overall numbers don’t look hideous.

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Speaking of waffling between great and awful… Pick a side, Joe Lieberman!

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and has now homered 6 times in June… Mmm…Did someone say waffling?

Jason Heyward – Glass Chipper told Heyward he needs to play hurt.  That wasn’t very Chipper of him to say.  He should change his name to Tough Love Jones.  Chipper added, “I was healthy for 11 days between 2000-2010 and that includes the offseason.  In fact, I just tweaked my oblique telling you Heyward should play hurt and I didn’t stop talking, did I?”

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2011 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2011 fantasy baseball:

Julio Borbon – I don’t want to toot my own horn — well, actually I do, but can’t reach — but last year this outfielder to target post had Bruce, Rasmus, Corey Hart, Jason Heyward, Austin Jackson and Julio Borbon.  Okay, Borbon was a year too early.  Fair enough, fair enough.  What makes Borbon enticing is his potential for 5 to 7 homers and 20 to 30 steals.  The parade rain is his potential to sit on the bench and watch David Murphy play.  One injury to the Rangers outfield — that could never happen with Hamilton and Cruz! — and Borbon will be a great bargain.

Tyler Colvin – Same deal as Borbon as far as playing every day goes.

Jose Tabata – ESPN has him at 253.  I have him ranked at 82 overall.  That might be the biggest gap for any player that doesn’t spell his last name with a P, R, A, D and O.  I’m not sure I understand why they’re so down on Tabata in the non-sexual way, but if I try to figure out their logic, my brain hurts.

Logan Morrison – His upside is small and his downside is small.  She says she likes the ocean.  Yeah, I rhymed small and small.  Sue me for the twelve seconds it took you to read it.  Because of Morrison’s propensity to take a walk, I can’t imagine he falls on his face, but he also might only match James Loney-type numbers.  For what it’s Wuertz, Rudy and I just drafted Morrison in our LABR league, hoping he breaks on through.  In deep leagues like that, I love Morrison.  About as safe as you can get while also being upsidey.

Garrett Jones – You almost definitely have to platoon him out, but he’s on the strong side of the platoon, going against righties.  If you can work in a hot hitter when Jones is sitting and get Jones for his 20+ homers and 7 steals, it’s not too bad.

Andres Torres – Currently has the ADP of 234 at Mock Draft Central.  I see no reason why he can’t repeat last year, assuming he stays healthy.  That’s not as easy for him as it would seem, but it’s worth more than the 234th spot.

Angel Pagan – Another guy who’s very low according to MDC.  Honestly, I don’t know how accurate that ADP list is, but Pagan shouldn’t be at 243.

Travis Snider – Here’s what I said last October, “(Snider) hit .155 in April and nearly lost his starting job.  Where the OBP was solid in the minors, it abandoned him.  Nothing was working.  Then in May, he turned things around hitting .378.  Gaston giveth time, Snider giveth power and OBP until he hurt his wrist and went to the 15-day DL for 62 days.  Wrist injuries can be tricky things.  Maybe when he returned in August with little power he was still nursing it?  Maybe his power didn’t really return until the last week of the season when he hit four homers in 6 games?  Maybe Green Day’s been singing the same two songs for the last fifteen years, one fast and one slow?  I do not have the answers to these questions.  I’d like to think all three are answered in the affirmative.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Dexter Fowler – I could just say SAGNOF at this point because I’ve been touting Fowler for two years.  Old habits yadda³.  To reaffirm what I’ve been reaffirming on top of my affirmations, Fowler could easily be as valuable as Victorino one hundred spots later in a draft.   He’s Feign Victorino, ya’ll!

Cameron Maybin – I almost left Maybin off the list entirely and would hesitate to draft him outside of NL-Only leagues.  Couple of things bother me:  A) His upside may only be The Big FraGu. B) His move to Petco doesn’t help at all.  C) There’s no C.

Manny Ramirez – Well, there’s an exciting name!  What, no Raul Ibanez? Cute, random italicized voice.  Sure, Manny’s no longer exciting, but he’ll have the DH spot to snuggie himself into and he’s never… wait, let me say it again in big letters… NEVER been unproductive when healthy.  I doubt he hits .395 and 35 homers, but 25 homers and a .290 average doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility.  He shouldn’t be on the list because he’s only ranked 195 overall at ESPN, missing that magical cutoff of 200, but it’s my list and I can make the magical cutoff disappear when I want.

Peter Bourjos – He may sit here and there because of Vernon Wells, but never underestimate the Sciosciapath’s defensive-minded leanings.

Michael Brantley – This guy is so off the fantasy radar… How off is he?!  How come whenever I say something is so something that stupid Match Game refrain plays in my head.  Brantley is off the radar; leave it at that.  Brantley might be the best name on this list or the worst.  (I guess he could also be somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm, but what kind of hyperbole is that?  Brantley’s the most middlest!  That’s stoopid.)  In the minors, Brantley showed a good eye so a decent average is possible while also stealing 30 bases.  Or the Indians demote him in April because they’re dopey.  Really could go either way.

Lorenzo Cain – I recently received this letter in the mail, “Grey, hola from Caracas!  Big fan of Razzball and your machismo.  Let me ask you a pregunta that is plain and simple like my cousin Juan Carlos del Flores.  Who’s the number one added outfielder in April that no one is currently drafting?  Yours, Juan Francisco del Flores (not to be confused with Juan Carlos del Flores).”  Thanks for writing in, Juan Carlos del Flores.  It’s a great question.  My money’s on Lorenzo Cain.  Has speed, some slight power and no one, not even anyone in Lorenzo Cain’s family, is drafting him.

Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish.  Pa-lish.  Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it.  David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day.  In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners.  Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner.  When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing.  Know why?  Cause he’s unsung!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law?  Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again.  The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either.  Though you may want to switch out Cantu.

Drew Stubbs – This guy’s value goes from Carlos Gonzalez to Carlos Gomez from at-bat to at-bat.

Michael Brantley – If you’re the kind of guy who draws a face on fruit right before you bite it just to show you’re in charge, then you know what I’m going to say, because I’m that guy too.  Brantley = SAGNOF!

Wilson Betemit – It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Mostly famine.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit out starting job.

Mike Aviles – Hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers and a 1 steal.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can drum up for him.

Clay Hensley – Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Oh, and he’s the closer for the Marlins.

Chris Sale – I went over my Chris Sale fantasy the other day.  Since then, Ozzie’s already ignored exactly what he said the day before, so is Sale the closer?  No idea.  If you can read Ozzie’s mind, you have my sympathy.

Juan Gutierrez – Has 5 saves this month.  SAGNOF!  And has only given up one run.  Incredible!

Carlos Zambrano – Right now, CZ is looking like a diamond and should be owned.

Chris Narveson – Never Nervous Narveson has been solid since the All-Star break and the same can be said about last year.  In fact, I just did.  Not looking past Sunday’s start, but I like him there as you see at the borderline starters post.

James McDonald – I’m starting to think I might draft him in some leagues next year.  Internal Monologue, “He pitches for the Pirates.”  Okay, I’m starting to think I might consider drafting him.

Ian Kennedy – Not entirely sure why he isn’t owned in more than 30% of ESPN leagues, but when you consider 95% of ESPN are abandoned, he’s actually owned in a whopping 125% of leagues, so good luck picking him up!

Chris Young – Not exactly sure when Cristall Young will be starting in Petco, but that’s when I’d start him.  Nowhere else unless you have a hankering for a spankering.

SELL

Josh Hamilton – I enjoyed this son of a gun (S.O.G.?) this year.  He did work, son.  Now he’s limping towards the ‘offs and the Rangers need him healthy so they aren’t going to play him much at all.

Gavin Floyd – You guys had some good times, which was invariably followed by bad times then good times then bad times — Make up your mind, Floyd!  At this point, I’d set Gavin a sail.

Phil Hughes – This could really go for a lot of starters that were good earlier in the year.  It ain’t earlier in the year anymore.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?  ‘Stood or no stood?  Y’hear or no y’hear?

Justin Upton – J-Upside’s been sitting on his backside and, let’s be honest, he wasn’t exactly killing it T.J. Lavin-style even when he was playing.  You need to look elsewhere.

Leo Nunez – See 7 inches above or Clay Hensley or Hay Clensley.

Jimmy Rollins – At the rate his career is going, he’s gonna get batteries thrown at him at Citizens Flank in 2011 and cheered in 2012 when he returns with another team.

Mark Reynolds – A once heroic tale called, “Me and My Mini Donkey,” about a man affectionately referred to as Mini Donkey who hit homers, stole bases and struck out 200 times has turned sour.  Mini Donkey can’t steal bases because of nagging injuries and has zero homers and is batting .079 in September.  Then Robbie Williams, some guy no Americans have ever heard of, sued claiming “Me and My Mini Donkey” stole the chorus from “Me and My Monkey.”  Reynolds lost the case and he had to return his 2009 season.  A sad turn of events, indeed.

Jake Westbrook had everything going against him.  No schools in his area had an athletic program.  His mother was strung out on drugs.  His father was absent from his life.  Then he met Sandra Bullock.  Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of The Blind Side DVD.  Yesterday, Westbrook threw 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Okay, in the broader sense, Westbrook is the dog’s breakfast, but you mix that with one certain pitching coach and, well… For his next trick, Dave Duncan will turn a cucumber into a pickle…mobile!  I don’t think it lasts for Westbrook, but he gets the Pirates next.  It’s September, you shouldn’t need more.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You don’t get them wet, you don’t expose them to light, you don’t feed them after midnight and you never start a hodgepadre away from Petco.

Aaron Cunningham – 1-for-4 as he continues to hit leadoff for the Padres.  He’s also batting .400 over the last week.  I’m not picking him up yet, but I’m watching Mr. C.

Edinson Volquez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the game, when asked about his playoff rotation, Dusty said, “(Edinson’s) throwing it as well as anybody we have right now.  I’d like to throw him for another 250 innings, but time does not permit unless we can get ourselves into an extra inning game that goes 200 innings.  Are you finished so I can put my toothpick back in my mouth?  I’m wasting artificial mint flavor.”

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-4 and now 4 for his last 8… Okay, like I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size.  But it’s the final weeks of the season.  Play the hot hands!

Drew Stubbs – 1-for-4 with his 25th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I have a feeling which way Late Afternoon Grey is leaning.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in three games.  I think this season is Delmon Young’s amuse bouche.  Next year, we’re going to get the meal.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a homer and two steals for the slam and double side of legs.  If he could only get his act together in April… If it’s the cold weather, maybe we have him sleep in an incubator for a month.

Angel Pagan – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 34th steal.  I wanna get excited about him for next year, but you know there’s a 60% chance he’s going to get injured and miss three-quarters of the season just because he’s on the Mets.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer.  Okay, this is my third time this week talking about him.  He’s obviously hot.  Say Hideki, bye other 5th outfielder.

Rodrigo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  If there were more games yesterday, I wouldn’t even bother mentioning Rodrigo.  In fact–

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He gets the Twins and Royals next and he hasn’t been terrific against either this year, but he has been incredible in September.  I can only walk you to the table, you have to decide if you want to roll the dice.

Michael Brantley – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  Too late, I already started.  Brantley’s hit in every game since the beginning of August, except for 4 (stutterer!).

Ted Lilly – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Frank McCourt said Jamie could have him.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love Filthy Sanchez? 3.21 ERA on the year, 188 Ks in only 176 2/3 IP and a 1.23 WHIP.  He’s the poster boy for why you should just start your pitchers every single time out.

Nyjer Morgan – Will begin serving his 8-game suspension on Friday.  On his time off, he’s going to start filming the Ice Cube-directed comedy “I’m Smoking A J Up In The Middle Of My Name” with Elijah Dukes.

Yesterday, Ozzie Guillen said, “Bobby’s not my closer right now, he’s not, I’m very happy with Chris Sale.  I’m not saying (Jenks has) lost his job, I have to wait to see to put him in the game to see how he’s doing… It might take a little while, maybe one day, two days, three days… a week.  Unless I find out Chris Sale is Asian, then I’m gonna make him work for it.”  The last line was inferred.  Sale’s been lights out since his call up — 0.57 ERA in 15 2/3 IP with 21 Ks.  The manager says he’s the closer, so I’m gonna say Sale’s the closer.  It’s obviously not as easy as that when Ozzie’s involved.  The wind could change directions, Ozzie’s weather vane that’s labeled with Putz, Jenks, Thornton and Sale could spin and someone else could be the closer by tomorrow.  As of right now, I’d grab Sale.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Sounds like he’s done for the regular season, or at least until very close to the end of the year.  Rollins said, “Studies show, even if it’s a mild hamstring, even though the doctors like to say 7-to-10 days, it’s usually three weeks.”  Studies, yeah.  Studies of Jimmy Rollins.

Cole Hamels – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hamels probably hasn’t gotten the recognition this year because of the low win total, but he has 201 Ks in 194 2/3 IP, 1.16 WHIP and a 3.01 ERA.  That’s nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to number one fantasy starters.

Albert Pujols – Apparently, there’s no DL in September but there is day-to-day after a cortisone shot to the elbow.  He’ll probably be back today as his elbow told reporters, “Imma let Albert finish.”

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He probably could’ve picked a better time to use my H2H team for toilet paper.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 as he continues his hot hitting.  At any moment, the Sciosciapath in the Angels dugout could bench a hot hitter, but I’d give Matsui a chance if you need some pop.

Mark Teixeira – Has been playing on a broken pinky toe since the end of August.  Guess that explains why he had his stats kick me in the nads.

Mariano Rivera – How does he have a 1.33 ERA and only 30 saves?  Seriously, dubya tee eff.

Josh Hamilton – Ain’t much of a limb at this point, but Hamilton’s owners will be lucky to see him play another 5 games this season.  And, even in those games, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get pulled early.  Rangers have no reason to push him and won’t.

Shelley Duncan – Smashed two homers and 24 forearms.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and has now hit in every game this month and only took four oh-fers in August.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  If you haven’t heard, the Diamondbacks might move the fences or build a humidor in the offseason.  So let me guess, Hudson’s gonna be on all of my teams next year?  Don’t mind if I do!

Brian Matusz – Says he won’t miss his next start.  Sure, why would the O’s rest one of their prized prospects with a sore tricep on his pitching arm?  They’re going after a 100 losses.

Nick Markakis – Nick Bupkis hit his 10th homer yesterday.  10 homers, Markakis?  Really?  You suckakis.

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks and is now shutdown for the year.  Too bad, so sad.

Travis Snider – Him and his .289 OBP hit lead off yesterday.  In related news, check Cito Gaston for a pulse.

Scott Podsednik – Out for the year with plantar fasciitis, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win with the Dodgers mustering only one hit and no RBIs.  Did the McCourt judge freeze all their assets, including the Dodger bats?

Matt Garza – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  One day, I’m going to run into Garza.  This season will be in the books.  This start will long be a memory.  And I’m going to punch Garza in the mouth.

Gio Gonzalez – 2 IP, 7 ER.  It sure rides like a Gio.

Mike Aviles – Now has back-to-back games with a homer and is hitting over .350 in the last week.  Has good position eligibility for those hurting at MI.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-5 with his 11th homer in 227 ABs while batting .313.  Not a flashy name, but is currently hitting near .350 in the last week.  Sing it, Vedder, “Can’t find a Betemit…”

Chone Figgins – 4-for-4 with his 39th steal.  I have one thing to say about this stunod.  Even if he gets his average up to .270 on the year with 40+ steals, the first five months are not excused.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  After the game, he removed his face to reveal Dustin Pedroia.

David Murphy – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer.  He also has 12 steals and is batting .288.  He’s like a destitute man’s CarGo.  That’s actually a compliment.

Chris Johnson – He took a steam for about two weeks after being hot for over a month.  Now, he’s hitting again.  Has 3 homers in the last 8 days and is batting *holds hand over mouth while speaking* …Okay, so he’s not hitting for a great average, but he’s hitting homers.

Bud Norris – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’ll be between Daniel Hudson and Norris as to who will be my fifth starter on every team next year like Jonathan Sanchez was this year.

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  This is coming a day after Lindstrom got a save and two games after Lyon gave up two runs.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  C’mon, Braun, save face and at least hit more homers than McGehee this year.

R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s only at 50% owned.  He’s at a 2.80 ERA on the year.  I know, I had hesitation about picking up a knuckleballer too, but you’re a little slow on the uptake at this point, no?  Give him a shot already.  As someone once said, “The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph.”

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 4th homer yesterday to go along with his 3 steals (not in yesterday’s game, though that wouldn’t be a record).  He’s also hitting .236.  Aren’t you glad you drafted him?  He’s really paying off your patience.  Oh, who am I kidding, anyone who drafted Beltran isn’t reading this.  They’ve moved onto fantasy football.

Francisco Rodriguez – Charged with criminal contempt in addition to the assault charges.  New charges stem from 56 text messages K-Rod sent his girlfriend.  I skimmed through the texts and here’s a few of the better ones.  First text, “If I text you, will you press charges?”  Second text, “You get my first text?”  17th text, “Can you believe Omar Minaya traded away Heath Bell and signed me?  Even I find that funny.”  23rd text, “I love pistachios.  That is all.”  31st text, “I forget, did you sign me up for unlimited texting?”  45th text, “Where do you buy a meat dress?  A fashion designer or a butcher?”