Fantasy Baseball Advice

I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks.  So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks.  I didn’t say your face cheeks.  Hey now!  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

61. Alex Presley – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball post.  This tier goes from here until Mitch Moreland.  I called this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I already went over my Alex Presley fantasy.  I wrote it while suing Supercuts for giving me simply a “great cut.”  2012 Projections:  80/10/60/.270/20

62. Mike Carp -  I sorta mentioned this in the top 60 outfielder post, but a big problem we’re having right now is there are some real interesting upside gambles on some really terrible teams.  Can someone pull a fast one and switch Carp with Trout?  For the job, I propose Tim Salmon.  Most of the schmohawks in this tier look like they Revere, Ben.  At least with Carp, he’s giving you power, though, maybe nothing else.  2012 Projections:  55/21/70/.260/3

63. Chris Heisey – I like Chris Heisey a lot lot.  Maybe too much, since he plays for Dusty Baker who insists on putting the horns to at least one young player.  Heisey is either a righty who can’t hit lefties or a righty who hasn’t been given a fair shake to hit lefties.  I think it’s the former, but if it’s the latter then you could have a nice get with Heisey.  With his K-rates, there’s a very real chance he hits .240, but he could also hit 20 homers and steal 15 bases.  There’s also the whole Ryan Ludwick issue.  But Baker wouldn’t really play him over Heisey, would he?  Um, well, it’s a late flyer.  2012 Projections:  50/17/65/.250/10

64. Dayan Viciedo – Having a hard time seeing past his K-rate and his lack of major league experience, but know someone who isn’t having a hard time with those things?  Bill James.  His projections for Viciedo are 21/3/.275.  Viciedo had a .186 average vs. righties last year, but, as I tell girlfriends, that’s just a small sample size.  He has destroyed minor league pitching and he’s only a Latin 22.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.260/3

65. Michael Brantley – Some crazy speed in the minors, but almost 500 plate appearances last year translated to the majors about as well as French comedy translates here.  He’s like the American League version of Dexter Fowler (or the outfield’s Alcides Escobar, if that works better for you).  Brantley stole 46 bases in Triple-A in 2009.  Don’t make me hire Davey Lopes to coach you.  Just run.  2012 Projections:  60/6/50/.275/20

66. Josh Reddick – I already went over my Josh Reddick fantasy when he was traded. I did it like this, I did it like that. I did it with a Wiffle ball bat. 2012 Projections: 75/15/85/.260/10

67. Jon Jay – There’s been some speculation that The Federalist may not be the starting center fielder for the Cardinals.  La Russa’s Feathered Hair, “Hey, you don’t have me to kick around anymore!  That’s on Matheny.”  Until Allen Craig returns from surgery, Jon Jay should book that job, so there’s no reason to ask, why do the righteous suffer?  2012 Projections:  50/12/40/.280/10

68. Alejandro De Aza – Last year in Triple-A, he had 9 homers, 22 steals and hit .322 in 99 games.  He was also 27 years old.  Sounds Quad-A-ey (which is not a legal word for Words With Friends; I’ve tried).  But, in only 171 plate appearances in the major leagues, he had 4 homers and 12 steals.  That’s 12/30 over the course of a full season.  Too bad they outlawed full seasons after Ripken retired.   Could give De Aza a shot in March and when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop.  Don’t get sad!  Imaginary friends work too!  2012 Projections:  60/7/30/.270/20

69. John Mayberry – Last year, at the age of 27, he finally saw significant time in the major leagues.  He also kept his K-rate fairly manageable.  Maybe he was learning to walk again.  Damn, that Foo Fighters song is annoyingly catchy.  If Clarence were to show Ryan Howard what life would’ve been like without him, John Mayberry may have had a career.  While Ryan Howard is learning to walk again — ugh, so catchy — Mayberry should be starting somewhere.  2012 Projections:  40/18/55/.250/10 in 400 ABs.

70. Jordan Schafer – I almost avoided putting any Astros hitters into any favorable ranking tiers.  Oh, well.  Here’s one, and even if you’re drafting purely on Zimmermania, Jordan Schafer is barely registering above yawnstipating.  Person who just stumbled on Razzball, “Zimmermania?  Yawnstipating?  What is this mustachioed fool talking about?”  Schafer isn’t much more than SAGNOF (Again, huh?!) but he hit as many as 10 homers in Double-A one year so maybe he can do something without the pressure of the pennant race.  (Astros fan, “Oh, just wait until 2028 for us to come on!  Assuming all other major leagues team fall to the Plague of 2027.”)  Dang, two Astros zings in one post.  Hey, one zing for each of their fans.  2012 Projections:  75/5/35/.245/25

71. Mitch Moreland – Was surprised to see he didn’t make my top 20 1st basemen post.  Not sure what I was thinking.  And if I don’t know, who’s gonna?  What I might’ve been thinking was he’s already light on power and this offseason he had wrist surgery, which is not a recipe for more power as the Barefoot Contessa would tell you.  2012 Projections:  60/15/70/.275/3

72. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Span.   I call this tier, “It’s hard for me to tell you to draft these guys, because, if things work out as planned, I won’t.  But one of them might be more valuable than I’m ranking them, and, if you know which one, you’re a witch and that scares me.”  You know what’s weird?  Pagan and Torres seem to always be linked in the rankings.  You’re like, “They’re the same person!”  But they were traded for each other.  How do you figure that?  Weird, right?  Yeah, I’m smart.  2012 Projections:  75/6/40/.280/27

73. Andres Torres – I could tell you to just look 1/8th of an inch above, but that’s lazy talk!  *thinking*  Actually, just look above.  Thanks!  2012 Projections:  70/5/40/.265/24

74. Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare will finally get to start without having to look over his shoulder.  And it’s now in Oakland, which is yet another pitchers’ park that ends in “co.”   Thit!  2012 Projections:  55/15/70/.275/10

75. Martin Prado – Went over Prado’s projections in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

76. Josh Willingham – I can hear someone giving me guff for putting The Other White Meat this low in the rankings, but really he’s the first guy you drop when you want to pick up a hot hitter.  Admit it at least to yourself.  Willingham is the same as every other hot schmotato Luke Scott-Ty Wigginton clone that gets hot for a few weeks.  2012 Projections:  65/22/80/.250/3

77. Jason Kubel – I fought with myself over whether to put Kubel or Willingham first in these rankings.  Finally, I flipped my Morneau voodoo doll and it came up heads, which either meant Willingham should be ranked first or another year of Morneau head trauma.  I’ll let you decide.  2012 Projections:  60/20/75/.260

78. Ben Revere – Span and Revere seem like another two guys that are forever linked.  You say, “Same player!  Move on!”  But how do you explain that they play on the same team?  Still weird!  2012 Projections:  70/1/35/.280/30

79. Denard Span – Again, if I were going to be lazy– Eh, just look above.  2012 Projections:  65/4/55/.280/25

80. Carlos Lee – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “In less than 7 years, these guys will receive just over 5% of the Hall of Fame vote and barely stay on the ballot for one more year.”  Hey, do the Astros a favor, Chuck Lee, and shut em’ down.  2012 Projections:  60/20/80/.265/3

80 1/8. Grady Sizemore – Sizemore is only 29 years old and only three years removed from a 33/38 season.  But, oh, what a three year span that was.  He took naked photos of himself and his career took the exact inverse (inter)course of Kim Kardashian’s.  Turned out Tom Sizemore wasn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem and Grady is starting to show the wear and tear of an 80-year-old man like his first name makes him sound.  With a 28.8% K-rate and 4 steals in the last two years, there’s really no reason to believe in Sizemore, but if you want to believe in miracles.  2012 Projections:  75/17/60/.245/5

80 1/4. Jason Bay – Member the days when Jason Bay was good?  We wore our hair longer then.  Well, you had hair.  We had some laughs!  Crazy times!  2012 Projections:  60/20/65/.250/8

80 what/fraction-is-this? Aubrey Huff – For almost his entire career, he’s alternated between good years and bad years.  If you think that’s a reason why he’s going to be good in 2012, I’ll tell you it’s hooey.  Grey, “It’s hooey.”  See?  2012 Projections:  50/18/65/.255/3

80 1/2. Alfonso Soriano – About three years ago, Soriano turned 47 years old and he just hasn’t looked the same.  “Get outta here you little brats, grandpa’s gotta go limp around the outfield!  Geez, Vlad’s got it so easy with the DH.”  That’s Alfonso in the dugout babysitting Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto.  2012 Projections: 45/18/60/.240/3

80 3/4. Bobby Abreu – He shouldn’t even be ranked.  He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.*  (*That’s my saying, but use it so it catches on.  Your mother at dinner, “What do you think of that Ashton Kutcher?”  You, “He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.”  See?  It’s easy to use.)  2012 Projections:  60/10/65/.250/15

Yo, Meteorologist Grey here and I’m standing in Chesapeake Bay to show you how high the water has risen.  It’s usually up to my waist, but, as you can see, the water is now up to my shoulders.  Would I normally be standing in Chesapeake Bay if there was no hurricane?  No, this is for ratings, snitches!  That was it, that was the big news all across the world of baseball this weekend.  How there wasn’t any on the eastern seaboard.  ‘See, bored?’ is more like it.  But there was Justin Verlander winning his 20th game, and locking up the Cy Young.  His line so far 20-5/2.38/0.90/218 in 215 2/3 IP.  Those numbers are sick as in very healthy not sick as in sick.  When you have over 200 innings and more than a K per inning, you deserve the accolades, which only sounds like something you take for an upset stomach.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Won’t return when eligible, i.e., the Phils are coasting into the playoffs and don’t care if any of their regulars play the entire month of September.  Just a friendly reminder that you need to have back-up plans in place if your H2H team is riding Phils like Marlo Thomas.

Rafael Betancourt – The Rockies announced Betancourt would stay in the role of closer even after Street returned, then later that night he blew the save.  Cuddle boy!  Then he came back and recorded the save on Sunday.  I’d keep Betancourt for now, but think he cedes the job to Street in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Hanley Ramirez – Will return on Wednesday unless he gets a bee in his bonnet.

Michael Brantley – Will have season-ending surgery on his wrist.  Indians might think about digging up center field and making sure there’s no Brady Bunch tiki idols buried out there.

Jonathan Sanchez – Sounds like he’ll be out for the season.  Safe to drop him.  Could backdate that to June.  You know what’s nice?  Your mustache?  Random Italicized Voice, you giving me lip service?  Is that a pun?  Kinda.  No, what’s nice is at this time of the year you don’t have to contemplate whether or not to wait out a DL stint.  Just drop.

Sergio Romo – Returned to the Giants on Sunday and looks like the favorite to get saves.  BTW, you think when Sergio was in summer camp and wrote his name on his shirt tags that people just thought it was the designer’s name?

Jordan Walden – The Sciosciapath removed Walden on Saturday after he loaded the bases and brought in Takahashi for the save.  I think Walden will continue to get saves for the Los Angeles Not Actually Los Angeles Angels, but if you’re speculating on saves there ya go.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a homer.  With Quentin finally hitting the DL, the Pale Hose promoted Dayan Viciedo, a highly touted Cuban raftee.  In Triple-A, Viciedo had a .296 average with 20 homers in 119 games.  He’s in that Delmon-Alfonso-Vlad mold of swinging at just about anything near the plate.  As with Alfonso and Vlad, it hasn’t really hurt his hitting.  He can play all over the field to get at-bats, but, for whatever reason, Ozzie hasn’t really thrust him into a starring role.  If he gets the ABs, see, he’d be good for mixed leaguers — Yo, dawg, I’m a mixed leaguer….Now why won’t girls talk to me? — but until we see Dayan’s PT, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues.

Chris Capuano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 13 Ks.  Feliz Capu anos!

Johan Santana – Now unlikely to return this year.  Really no shocker here.  Hence, my credo not to bother with drafting pitchers in March that are supposed to be out for the majority of the season.  Setbacks happen yadda³.

James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Sometimes Shields gets a little flaky (7 earned vs the M’s, 10 earned vs. the A’s), but for where you drafted him and his 192 Ks, 2.96 ERA, you’ll take it and like it.

David Price – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  It’s funny how his season ERA is at 3.40 with a 12-11 record compared to 2.72 ERA and 19 wins last year, but he’s actually pitched much better this year.  Obviously not haha funny, but more like not funny at all funny.

Desmond Jennings – 4-for-5, 2 homers and a steal.  The only real drawback so far with Jennings is I need to buy more Trapper Keepers to write his name in hearts with my sparkle marker.

Joe Mauer – Has been out for five days with a pain in the neck.  How appropriate.

Luke Hughes – 2-for-4, 2 homers on Sunday and a homer on Saturday.  Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.

Collin Cowgill – 4-for-4, homer, 2 runs 2 RBIs.  Hasn’t been playing every day, but maybe after this big game we’ll get more Cowgill.

Aaron Hill – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as a D-Back.  He’s fared slightly better than Johnson since the trade.  Perhaps being surrounded by a team of hackers is making him feel more comfortable.

Tommy Hanson – Has a rotator cuff tear.  I once had a cuff tear on my Girbaud jeans and it knocked me out for a day.  Hanson’s cuff tear is not as major as it sounds, but will still knock him out a few weeks (no relation to Jemile).  Can go ahead and drop Hanson in most leagues, i.e., Mmmdrop.

Zach Britton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Britton took down the Yankees revenging The Revolutionary War.  Though I thought exporting The Spice Girls was their payback.

Nelson Cruz – Strained his left hamstring on a double.  His right hamstring said, “I got next!”

Jason Motte – Got the save on Sunday.  Let’s see, Salas’s last two appearances were in non-save situations, then La Russa sends Motte, who hasn’t given up a run in his last 29 appearances, out for the save yesterday.  I think La Russa’s Feathered-Hair-Covered Brain finally made a smart move with his bullpen.  Motte should be the closer.  Now whether he’s the closer or not is up to FHCB.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  About two months ago, I asked whether or not the Nats would shut down Zimmermann at exactly 160 innings if it meant in the middle of the 3rd inning.  They didn’t; they shut him down for the season in the middle of the fifth inning.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Joey makes me coo coo roo.

Yonder Alonso – Hit a pinch hit homer yesterday.  Now is hitting .467 with 3 homers in 30 ABs.  Too bad he doesn’t have a position to play.  Rather, Baker starts Fred Lewis, Dave Sappeit and the Winner of a Skyline Chili contest instead of Yonder.

Carlos Lee – Left Sunday’s game with a slight ankle sprain.  Send El Caballo to the glue factory!

Andre Ethier – Said he’s playing with an injured knee all year.  Then the always sympathetic GM Ned Colletti said, “What am I supposed to be concerned about?  That he has those numbers, that he’s hurt or contends he’s hurt?”  Snap in the 0-for-12 formation.  I will say Ned Colletti, aka No Coddle-letti, is refreshingly frank, but I’m not sure today’s athletes respond to it.  Why not just call him Andre the Pissant and wear a shirt that says ‘Obey?’

Matt Kemp – Joined the 30/30 club this weekend.  The gift basket included a free weekend stay at a Howard Johnson.

News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month.  Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters.  Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly.  We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw!  If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback.  Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August.  It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about.  No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater.  No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co. building and rename it Kyle Blanks Auditorium.  They called up Anthony Rizzo!  Today.  Supposedly.  When I say, “Exciting,” you say, “Padres!”  Exciting… Padres!  Exciting…Padres!  Unexciting…Padres!  Fooled you.  Rizzo’s in the same ginormous boat as every other hitter that plays at Petco.  It’ll hurt his power, but he should still be able to hit some bombs.  For the rest of the year, I’ll conservatively give him 17 homers and a .250 average.  He’s capable of a bit more power and a lot less average.  But, as with most rookies, you take the flyer on upside and hope he pans out.  That’s me, Grey “Fantasy Master Lothario” Albright, telling you to go pick him up in every league.  Yeah, even that one.  And that one too.

Dustin Moseley – Left yesterday’s game with a non-throwing shoulder injury.  Remember, Padre fans — Rizzo!

Brett Lawrie – Has a fractured hand, no relation to Brad.  Now he won’t be up until around August.  I’d go ahead and drop him in redraft leagues, unless you’re not paying attention to your team but still reading this, which seems odd but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Adam Lind – 4 home runs in 5 games.  Yeah, he can get to 35 home runs this year.  You Gotta Believe isn’t just a title of a Marky Mark album.

Danny Espinosa – A Cain pitch hit Espinosa on the hand causing visible pain. You know what’s worse than a .218 hitter?  A .218 hitter nursing a hand injury.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  As Cain did everything you could ask for, Barry Zito Foursquared from a bathtub (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3 with a caught stealing, which is whatever but it’s always good to see guys at least trying to give some fantasy value.  In other Brandon Crawford news, Bochy says he’ll continue to start when Sandoval returns next week.  That means Tejada has about a week to strengthen his case for the Hall of Fame.

Mike Carp – M’s manager said Carp would only see 3-4 starts per week.  To get dyslexic on you, crap.

Pedro Alvarez – Tweaked his strained right quad resulting in a setback in his rehab.  Vote for Pedro…as the lamest 3rd baseman in 2011.  Both definitions of lame work.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.39 ERA on the year, a 1.18 WHIP and a terrible walk to strikeout ratio.  I actually own Maholm in one league, which is a little scary since I’m not sure Maholm would own himself in a fantasy league.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 10th home run, a walk off blast, which gave Daniel McCutchen the win.  Then the Pirates played ‘We Are Family’ and everyone hugged.  Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a player hit a walk-off homer to give someone with the same last name the win.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard recently at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Bill, in human resources, smells of onions for a record five straight days.”

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Good (for Duke) start.  Through 126 1st half innings in 2009, he had a 3.29 ERA, so he is capable of an extended run of decent starts.  But sometimes you take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up for six innings and five earned runs.

Joba Chamberlain – To the DL with a flexor strain.  Someone went too heavy on the shake weight.  As Joba’s drug dealing mom would tell you, “Smoke the shake, don’t shake the weight.”

Alexi Ogando – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He dedicated his non-regression to all the nerds that know what FIP stands for.

Aaron Cook – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s back and healthy.  And that’s where the positivity ends.

Eric Young Jr. – Did not start.  I like him better than Gordon, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Dee Gordon is starting.  You gotta go with the starter.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 2Ks.  Bud Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with his 14th steal as he finally got the start.  It’s almost as if the manager forgot how good he was before his injury.  Play Bourgeois, you capitalist pig!

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His sister, Mary Stuart, must have pumped him up for this start.  Obviously she was more of a help for him than for her boyfriend last year on the Dodgers, Eric Stults.

Cord Phelps – 0-for-4, was called up by the Indians and started at 2nd base.  Cord has solid plate discipline and a lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.  Pretty average power and speed.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re grasping at straws right now if you go for a roll in the hay with him.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal.  But it came at the expense of my Masterson.  Damn you, Ben Revere.  Why can’t you just be happy being a character in a Ben Affleck Masshole thriller?  You had to go and sully Masterson’s line.  Get it, Sully!  Revere’s looking like a decent deep league addition.  Shoot, he’s looking better than Span at this point, though that’s a bit of a ‘no compliment’ compliment.  He’s a player that I could see Gardy giving everyday playing time to even when Kubel and Thome return.

Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .230.  Nice showing!  Everyone knows that all Canadians are robots.  Can’t Gardy reboot Morneau?  Or can they upgrade to the Vottomatic?

Michael Brantley – 3-for-5.  He’s hitting .295 on the year with 5 homers and 8 steals, i.e., he’s on pace for a Victorino type year — 100/10/60/.280/25.  Frankly, he should be getting more press from me.  He’s having a real solid fantasy 5th outfielder year.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs.  “Now, wait one second, Mini Donkeys don’t eat slam and legses,” said a’la Jimmy Stewart.  Not sure why, but his voice is stuck in my head.  Mr. Potter!  Reynolds does seem like he’s finally found his power stroke.  If anyone remembers his 2009, he can get blazing hot for extended periods of time.  Do keep in mind he only has 4 multiple hit games since April 13th, so his average may peak at .230.

Zach Britton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Start anyone vs. the A’s.  You have my permission.

Reid Brignac – Finally, he hit his first home run of the year.  Geez, what a bust.  Billy Butler, “Please, that’s no bust.”

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-3 with 2 runs.  He was bumped down the order, but he is starting every day.  I’m farting in your general direction, Eric Young Jr.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s actually been solid or terrible in every start.  5 IP, 4 ER start here; 7 IP, 1 ER start there.  If you’ve been able to stomach that, his overall numbers don’t look hideous.

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Speaking of waffling between great and awful… Pick a side, Joe Lieberman!

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and has now homered 6 times in June… Mmm…Did someone say waffling?

Jason Heyward – Glass Chipper told Heyward he needs to play hurt.  That wasn’t very Chipper of him to say.  He should change his name to Tough Love Jones.  Chipper added, “I was healthy for 11 days between 2000-2010 and that includes the offseason.  In fact, I just tweaked my oblique telling you Heyward should play hurt and I didn’t stop talking, did I?”

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2011 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2011 fantasy baseball:

Julio Borbon – I don’t want to toot my own horn — well, actually I do, but can’t reach — but last year this outfielder to target post had Bruce, Rasmus, Corey Hart, Jason Heyward, Austin Jackson and Julio Borbon.  Okay, Borbon was a year too early.  Fair enough, fair enough.  What makes Borbon enticing is his potential for 5 to 7 homers and 20 to 30 steals.  The parade rain is his potential to sit on the bench and watch David Murphy play.  One injury to the Rangers outfield — that could never happen with Hamilton and Cruz! — and Borbon will be a great bargain.

Tyler Colvin – Same deal as Borbon as far as playing every day goes.

Jose Tabata – ESPN has him at 253.  I have him ranked at 82 overall.  That might be the biggest gap for any player that doesn’t spell his last name with a P, R, A, D and O.  I’m not sure I understand why they’re so down on Tabata in the non-sexual way, but if I try to figure out their logic, my brain hurts.

Logan Morrison – His upside is small and his downside is small.  She says she likes the ocean.  Yeah, I rhymed small and small.  Sue me for the twelve seconds it took you to read it.  Because of Morrison’s propensity to take a walk, I can’t imagine he falls on his face, but he also might only match James Loney-type numbers.  For what it’s Wuertz, Rudy and I just drafted Morrison in our LABR league, hoping he breaks on through.  In deep leagues like that, I love Morrison.  About as safe as you can get while also being upsidey.

Garrett Jones – You almost definitely have to platoon him out, but he’s on the strong side of the platoon, going against righties.  If you can work in a hot hitter when Jones is sitting and get Jones for his 20+ homers and 7 steals, it’s not too bad.

Andres Torres – Currently has the ADP of 234 at Mock Draft Central.  I see no reason why he can’t repeat last year, assuming he stays healthy.  That’s not as easy for him as it would seem, but it’s worth more than the 234th spot.

Angel Pagan – Another guy who’s very low according to MDC.  Honestly, I don’t know how accurate that ADP list is, but Pagan shouldn’t be at 243.

Travis Snider – Here’s what I said last October, “(Snider) hit .155 in April and nearly lost his starting job.  Where the OBP was solid in the minors, it abandoned him.  Nothing was working.  Then in May, he turned things around hitting .378.  Gaston giveth time, Snider giveth power and OBP until he hurt his wrist and went to the 15-day DL for 62 days.  Wrist injuries can be tricky things.  Maybe when he returned in August with little power he was still nursing it?  Maybe his power didn’t really return until the last week of the season when he hit four homers in 6 games?  Maybe Green Day’s been singing the same two songs for the last fifteen years, one fast and one slow?  I do not have the answers to these questions.  I’d like to think all three are answered in the affirmative.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Dexter Fowler – I could just say SAGNOF at this point because I’ve been touting Fowler for two years.  Old habits yadda³.  To reaffirm what I’ve been reaffirming on top of my affirmations, Fowler could easily be as valuable as Victorino one hundred spots later in a draft.   He’s Feign Victorino, ya’ll!

Cameron Maybin – I almost left Maybin off the list entirely and would hesitate to draft him outside of NL-Only leagues.  Couple of things bother me:  A) His upside may only be The Big FraGu. B) His move to Petco doesn’t help at all.  C) There’s no C.

Manny Ramirez – Well, there’s an exciting name!  What, no Raul Ibanez? Cute, random italicized voice.  Sure, Manny’s no longer exciting, but he’ll have the DH spot to snuggie himself into and he’s never… wait, let me say it again in big letters… NEVER been unproductive when healthy.  I doubt he hits .395 and 35 homers, but 25 homers and a .290 average doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility.  He shouldn’t be on the list because he’s only ranked 195 overall at ESPN, missing that magical cutoff of 200, but it’s my list and I can make the magical cutoff disappear when I want.

Peter Bourjos – He may sit here and there because of Vernon Wells, but never underestimate the Sciosciapath’s defensive-minded leanings.

Michael Brantley – This guy is so off the fantasy radar… How off is he?!  How come whenever I say something is so something that stupid Match Game refrain plays in my head.  Brantley is off the radar; leave it at that.  Brantley might be the best name on this list or the worst.  (I guess he could also be somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm, but what kind of hyperbole is that?  Brantley’s the most middlest!  That’s stoopid.)  In the minors, Brantley showed a good eye so a decent average is possible while also stealing 30 bases.  Or the Indians demote him in April because they’re dopey.  Really could go either way.

Lorenzo Cain – I recently received this letter in the mail, “Grey, hola from Caracas!  Big fan of Razzball and your machismo.  Let me ask you a pregunta that is plain and simple like my cousin Juan Carlos del Flores.  Who’s the number one added outfielder in April that no one is currently drafting?  Yours, Juan Francisco del Flores (not to be confused with Juan Carlos del Flores).”  Thanks for writing in, Juan Carlos del Flores.  It’s a great question.  My money’s on Lorenzo Cain.  Has speed, some slight power and no one, not even anyone in Lorenzo Cain’s family, is drafting him.

Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish.  Pa-lish.  Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it.  David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day.  In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners.  Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner.  When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing.  Know why?  Cause he’s unsung!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law?  Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again.  The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either.  Though you may want to switch out Cantu.

Drew Stubbs – This guy’s value goes from Carlos Gonzalez to Carlos Gomez from at-bat to at-bat.

Michael Brantley – If you’re the kind of guy who draws a face on fruit right before you bite it just to show you’re in charge, then you know what I’m going to say, because I’m that guy too.  Brantley = SAGNOF!

Wilson Betemit – It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Mostly famine.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit out starting job.

Mike Aviles – Hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers and a 1 steal.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can drum up for him.

Clay Hensley – Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Oh, and he’s the closer for the Marlins.

Chris Sale – I went over my Chris Sale fantasy the other day.  Since then, Ozzie’s already ignored exactly what he said the day before, so is Sale the closer?  No idea.  If you can read Ozzie’s mind, you have my sympathy.

Juan Gutierrez – Has 5 saves this month.  SAGNOF!  And has only given up one run.  Incredible!

Carlos Zambrano – Right now, CZ is looking like a diamond and should be owned.

Chris Narveson – Never Nervous Narveson has been solid since the All-Star break and the same can be said about last year.  In fact, I just did.  Not looking past Sunday’s start, but I like him there as you see at the borderline starters post.

James McDonald – I’m starting to think I might draft him in some leagues next year.  Internal Monologue, “He pitches for the Pirates.”  Okay, I’m starting to think I might consider drafting him.

Ian Kennedy – Not entirely sure why he isn’t owned in more than 30% of ESPN leagues, but when you consider 95% of ESPN are abandoned, he’s actually owned in a whopping 125% of leagues, so good luck picking him up!

Chris Young – Not exactly sure when Cristall Young will be starting in Petco, but that’s when I’d start him.  Nowhere else unless you have a hankering for a spankering.

SELL

Josh Hamilton – I enjoyed this son of a gun (S.O.G.?) this year.  He did work, son.  Now he’s limping towards the ‘offs and the Rangers need him healthy so they aren’t going to play him much at all.

Gavin Floyd – You guys had some good times, which was invariably followed by bad times then good times then bad times — Make up your mind, Floyd!  At this point, I’d set Gavin a sail.

Phil Hughes – This could really go for a lot of starters that were good earlier in the year.  It ain’t earlier in the year anymore.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?  ‘Stood or no stood?  Y’hear or no y’hear?

Justin Upton – J-Upside’s been sitting on his backside and, let’s be honest, he wasn’t exactly killing it T.J. Lavin-style even when he was playing.  You need to look elsewhere.

Leo Nunez – See 7 inches above or Clay Hensley or Hay Clensley.

Jimmy Rollins – At the rate his career is going, he’s gonna get batteries thrown at him at Citizens Flank in 2011 and cheered in 2012 when he returns with another team.

Mark Reynolds – A once heroic tale called, “Me and My Mini Donkey,” about a man affectionately referred to as Mini Donkey who hit homers, stole bases and struck out 200 times has turned sour.  Mini Donkey can’t steal bases because of nagging injuries and has zero homers and is batting .079 in September.  Then Robbie Williams, some guy no Americans have ever heard of, sued claiming “Me and My Mini Donkey” stole the chorus from “Me and My Monkey.”  Reynolds lost the case and he had to return his 2009 season.  A sad turn of events, indeed.