You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jake McGee hit the DL with a sprained MCL. Damn, 1150 was a very bad year for him. Wait, a new closer that no one owns is up for grabs! When this news broke, I was sitting in a French cafe, wearing a beret to the side, flicking a Virginia Slim 120 like a French baller. I immediately looked for Carlos Estevez, but he was gone. Then I looked for Jason Motte — gone! Then I looked for Boone Logan — there! So, I grabbed him, then I wept quietly. Was I really picking up the guy third down the SAGNOF totem for the Rockies? I’m such a pitiful save vulture. Get some dignity, man, you’re better than this, you’re rocking a beret and a Virginia Slim 120! After Saturday’s game, Walt Weiss announced Estevez would be the closer, so now, even more pitifully, I will be dropping Boone Logan, who got me a cheap vulture save on Sunday due to Estevez being used too many days in a row. That’s like the fantasy baseball walk of shame. Everyone who sees you drop the guy that doesn’t get the closer job knows full well that you desperately tried to make the wrong guy work. Now I have to pick up and drop twelve other guys to bury my move. The fantasy baseball shame cycle! As for Estevez, his outings will be like brother Emilio — short. His performances may be like brother Charlie’s relationships — rocky. Unlike his father, Martin, he will not be starring in an awful Netflix series canoodling with the DA from Law & Order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did I just get something from nothing? Because Justin Upton is nothing, and I got something yesterday — 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). Therefore, hence, Argo the movie, vis-a-vis, I got something from nothing. Take that all of you non-believers! And you said he would never come around to be worth that top 25 pick. I pfft on you. A big fat pfft. Come here, accept my pfft. I got one good game from him out of 57! Holy schnikeballs, I got only one good game from my 2nd rounder? Please, neighbor’s cat, don’t confuse me for a ball of yarn as I curl up in a ball and sob. Please, stop tapping me with your paw. I am not a ball of yarn. So, can Upton turn it around? I believe he can. At least moderately. Last year, he hit two homers and .196 in June and .162 in July. And you still drafted him this year, so apparently you don’t care about two-month slumps. In 2014, he had a month of .226 with 3 HRs and a month of .169 with 3 HRs. This year in April, he had a 38% strikeout percentage, 34% in May and 22% in June. He’s already seeing the ball better. If he finishes June with 6 homers and .259, then hit .343 in May, would you be shocked? Well, you shouldn’t be, because those were months he did last year when he also had two sub-.200 months. Upton gets awful for months; it’s what he does. He also gets hot for months. Unfortunately, the slump months came to start the season so it was more pronounced. Pronounced specifically as: Gäd, h? s?ks. And, remember, it takes the Uptons a while to adjust to new leagues. It took Melvin Upton three years and a first name change to adjust to the NL. Hopefully, this is the start of something so Justin doesn’t have to resort to being Melvin Upton Jr. Jr. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So you want to be a DFS superstar… A tune that will be sung by Rich Hill owners today. Now you have to be careful pitching at the ripe old age of 36. Rich Hill pulled his groin and had to miss his last start. He’s back today and facing the Houston Astros. Minute Maid Park may be a juicy match up for homers, but that’s not something Rich Hill gives up easily. Since the start of 2013, Ol’ Rich has only given up 7 homers and hasn’t allowed more than 3 earned runs in a single game. Surprisingly, he has been better away from the pitching friendly confines of O.co Coliseum. He has been limiting hitters to a .511 OPS and owns a sub 1.00 WHIP. The Astros are slightly below average with 98 wRC+ vs LHP, but strike out at an absurd rate of 26.1% (3rd worst in the MLB). Rich Hill has one of the best spin rates in the league on his curveball, which plays well with his fastball that helps him generate above average swings and misses. He has the most curveballs thrown with a RPM greater than 2500, by nearly double that of the next closest pitcher. His curveball is only allowing a .252 SLG and his fastball a .227. Meanwhile, the Astros are only managing a .170 batting average and a .267 slugging against curveballs, both 4th worst in the league. Put Rich Hill in your lineup to become a DFS superstar… and live large… Here are the rest of my DFS picks for Saturday June 4.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 6th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tolleson had his cookies tossed for the last time on Tuesday. Or maybe Shawn Tolleson caused his owners’ cookies to be tossed? Sounds too passive, said Flesch-Kincaid, but you get the idea. By the by, why is tossing food so gross? Tossing one’s cookies should be a glorious thing. Who doesn’t want cookies tossed at them? Please toss your cookies into my mouth! Then there’s tossing salad? That sounds healthy and like a spring morn. Why is tossing salad so bad? I’d love a salad tossing and a jog around the Maypole! Any hoo! There’s no more Tolleson, and Sam Dyson will step in as the Rangers closer. Glad to see Rangers manager, Jeff Banister, finally react. Though, it took a long time since Tolleson’s ERA is over nine. Banister’s reflexes are so slow Bautista could’ve snuck in a punch on him. Maybe they should’ve let Odor punch Tolleson’s card. He would’ve been out on April 4th. “You’re done!” “That was one pitch.” “I don’t care, now I will punch you.” Sam Dyson should be owned in all leagues. Will Tolleson regain the role? Maybe, if Dyson gets injured, but it seems highly unlikely otherwise and can be dropped in most leagues. Hey, Tolleson, don’t let the door hit you, where Odor split your lip. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings!!! Your liege lord, Beddict, has fallen on disastrous times. My goodmen, I was robbed by a thief in the night, the kind of criminal mastermind that makes Danny Ocean look like a pocket picking peasant. Not only did this despicable bandit gank me for my Mac-book Pro, but he swooped my black diamond encrusted platinum ring, my SMS wireless sports headphones signed by the Elder God, 50 Cent, a beautiful Burberry jacket, some fly-a** Louis Vuitton sunglasses, two Nike sweatshirts, a pair of high-top limited edition Nike Air Force One boots, and two different kinds of cologne. In the hood, we call this the come up of a lifetime. This scum-sucking pilferer hit the mother load, probably thinking he just robbed a professional athlete, when instead it was just poor old Beddict, washed up mankini model turned fantasy sports writer. I’ve never felt such pain, such anguish, giving me the sort of writers block that would make George R.R. Martin not look like a total pile of Hippopotamus shat. I come to you now, begging for your forgiveness. On my knees, begging you for another chance as I feel we were right on the cusp of greatness. Let’s work out the kinks and get back to doing what I was created to do… whatever that may be.
I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!Please, blog, may I have some more?
The amount of elite pitching available on Tuesday is absurd. First off, it’s Kershaw Day and that means you have to decide whether you want to take roughly 28 percent of your salary and invest in the only sure thing on the slate. Other attractive options include the head-to-head matchup between Max Scherzer ($12,700) and Noah Syndergaard ($11,400), both of whom should receive your exposure in selected spots. While I love all three pitchers on Tuesday, it’s hard to pass up another ace in Madison Bumgarner. Everything about this matchup is so perfect that MadBum will probably give up nine earned runs in 0.2 innings pitched and completely tank your line. JUST KIDDING! Bumgarner is safe and will be a chalk cash game play, but that’s okay. All we care about is results. This could very well be the first game of the season where Bumgarner goes the distance. Even if he doesn’t the strikeouts will be plentiful and a win seems likely.
New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday May 23rd to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Philly fans are often singled out for their rude, obnoxious behavior, but yesterday, as the Mets hit six home runs, the Philly fans were attempting to be on their best behavior. Here’s a few of the more polite things heard, “Excuse me, sir, are you using the batteries in your portable radio? I’d like to throw them at someone’s shoulder. No, not their head. That would be rude.” Also heard, “I hate to waste a cheesesteak, but I’d like to vomit on an unsuspecting Mets fan.” “Jimmy, no, vomit on a suspecting Mets fan.” “Yeah, you’re right, Marge.” Finally, “These Mets are fun to watch, I get to try out new curse words — screw you, nut sock!” Then, with a pleased smile, “See, it’s like sack, but sock. Catchy, no?” Philly fans had all kinds of reasons to be annoyed yesterday as the Mets did damage. Yoenis Cespedes hit his 4th homer (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs). Driving to the park in a limited edition car made of guano and Play-Doh must be his good luck charm! Michael Conforto hit his 2nd homer (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) as he hit third until he was pinch hit for against a lefty later in the game. I get that Conforto’s a lefty and it’s a matchup thing, but there’s gotta be some kind of unspoken rule. The guy you bat third in your lineup is not a platoon player. That’s Connie Mack to Earl Weaver to Coach Taylor rock solid coach stuff. You don’t pinch hit your three hole hitter! Then Neil Walker hit his 5th and 6th homers (2-for-5), with two homers in the past two days, and, honestly, truthfully, interruptingly, when you have six homers in 13 games, there weren’t a whole lot of games where you didn’t homer. Finally, Lucas Duda hit his 2nd homer (1-for-5, 2 RBIs), and 2nd in as many days. The Phillies starters really aren’t that bad. Dot dot dot. Compared to their relievers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Tyler White hot fire stayed lit last night with his third multi-hit game in a row, going 3-for-4 with 2-run home run. His second jack this year and brings his average to .692 with 7 RBI. Who is Tyler White, you ask? And why should you care, you say? Why am I talking about an Astros rookie first baseman not named A.J. Reed? Geez, bruh, what’s with the attitude, this is my first week back and I’m just trying to help. The 33rd round pick slashed a real nice .325/.442/.496 with 25 doubles, 14 homers and 99 RBI between AA and AAA in 2015. Ty also slashed .366/.460/.585 with 2 homers this spring. So none of this is completely out of no where. And it’s not like we’re talking about Trevor Story here. Now that I think of it, I probably should have written this blurb about him. What a Story! Oh man, perfect headline, too. Think of the all the delicious clicks I’d get. Oh well, Tyler White Hawt will surely cool down but until that time let’s have some fun with early season stats. Doode is slugging 1.308, with a .875 BABIP and a 2.022 OPS! Uh, that will help your fantasy team! Inflated saber metrics aside, White’s available in about 80% of ESPN leagues, Grey told you to BUY and he’s certainly worth a look while he’s hitting all the baseballs.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After Jada Pinkett Smith started the #closerssowhite controversy, boycotting SAGNOF until there were more black closers, because her husband, Will Smith, wasn’t immediately anointed closer of the Brewers, the entire MLB began a well-needed discussion about race. Our Commissioner Manfred said, “I thought about this for a brief second, then I realized the entire league is Dominican. I mean, before I was chosen as commissioner I had to vacation in Punta Cana for a long weekend just to ‘feel the vibe’ as Selig said.” Jada Pinkett Smith said she will not sleep until her husband gets saves or Torii Hunter comes out of retirement and is made closer of one of those real white teams, “Maybe Minnesota.” Closers So White lives on. Will Smith’s closer season, however, looks about as promising as an After Earth sequel. On Saturday, it was reported he tore his LCL. He tore his 150? That’s like when Pablo Sandoval’s dyslexic cousin saw Pablo tore his 501’s. My money’s on Jeremy Jeffress getting the most saves in Milwaukee this year. My money also has Alfred E. Neuman on it. Jeffress is the top guy from the Brewers pen in my top 500 with Corey Knebel up next. The fantasy baseball war room has been updated, as well. (By the way, some rejected titles for this post were Collateral Ligaments of the World Ain’t Nothing But Trouble and Will Smith Gettin’ Limpy With It.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?