Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game.  On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead.  On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes.  On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel.  On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man.  If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him.  I still think Downs is in the mix.  Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury.  Chubby Checker just shuddered.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon!  If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars!  If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey!  Oh, and I like Lucroy.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38.  Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way).  Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose.  If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA.  What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts?  Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission.  In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do.  Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter.  Then from the side, he looks like a 2.  Get another nose job, man!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay.  Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined.  I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72.  On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09.  Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37.  Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29.  For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.

Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues.  Grey Albright:  The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato.  Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r.  Ouch!  Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.

Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15.  Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today.  Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run.  Yay!  Then he went 0-for-a-week.  Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.

Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.

Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal.  I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.

Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out.  His average is down to .238.  Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre.  I wonder if they video chat.  “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.”  And they talk about needles and shizz.  On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude.  Is that gay?  There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is.  But is it?  I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me.  Matter of fact, I prefer it that way.  Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good.  And…tangent!  So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return.  He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s.  The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him.  His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired.  Now he’s good?  I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.

Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday.  How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total?  Jesus Monterochrist!

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte).  This proves my theory.  All some players need is me berating them.  Now, get it, Hosmer.  Get it!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday.  I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it.  With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned.  If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Ten more than Pujols.  Cust crazy.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup.  After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card.  He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton.  When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper.  When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes.  When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing.  When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup.  So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.”  When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom.  He seared his image on my retinas!  Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents?  Nah.  But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.

Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle.  He was this week’s Creeper.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start?  Probably the latter.  FMFBBL.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats.  After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3.  Figure out your batting average now, punk!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours.  I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much.  Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks.  After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him.  Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress.  Eh, what fun is that?  Fantasy Baseball:  When there’s not enough stress in my real life.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer.  He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.

Alex Rios – Homered last night.  If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him.  That’s why.  No other reason.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what Wandy’s ERA is.  Don’t Google it.  Guess.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger*  His ERA is 2.14!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs.  He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around.  Definitely would watch him.

J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer.  That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.

Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs.  Holy sit!

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners.  He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Torii Hunter – Should return early next week.  I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.

The answer to the pregunta, “Que es CarGo?” no longer requires an obligatory snail reference as he ended his 15 game homerless streak to start 2012 with 2 HRs against the Pirates, going 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs. He’s never going to hit .336 again like he did in 2010 (doubt he’ll ever hit .300 with his K-rate) but he is one of the few players that has legitimate 30 HR/20 SB potential. He had a similarly slow start last year before a great May/June (11 HR, 10 SB, .300+ AVG). If you can get a CarGo owner to sell low for a 3rd round or later OF like Jay Bruce or Adam Jones, sign that waybill or stick your hand in one of their many pockets or some other strained metaphor. Other fantasy baseball news….

Yu Darvish - Darvish out-samurai’d Kuroda with an 8 1/3 IP, 10K, 9 baserunner, 119 pitch effort against the Yankees. That’s 3-0 now for Darvish with wins against the Tigers and Yankees. Even better, he had only 2 BBs after entering the game with 14 walks in his first 3 outings. He has the stuff to put up 20 wins and 200 Ks but I’m not sold just yet that he’ll be able to maintain his control or hair color.

Johan Santana – Great start by Johan – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks – that didn’t net a win because the Mets have yet to score for him in 4 starts. It’s hard to jump on board the Santanawagon based on his velocity to date (88 MPH on the fastball) but even a return of 2008-2009 Santana (8 K/9 and near 3.00 ERA) would be a nice return given his draft slot. Maybe they’d have more money to build around Santana if they paid him in Madoff shares.

Shin-Soo Choo - Left the game with left hamstring tightness – which was a relief (as a multi-team owner) as he was pinch-hit for with Jason Donald with the bases loaded. If he wasn’t physically hurt, that kind of thing would have to mentally hurt. He might miss a game but the Shin-Soo Choo train should be running again in no time.

Jair Jurrjens – Demoted to AAA after a ghastly first 4 starts – 16 IP, 30 Hits, 17 ER, 10 BB(!), 8 Ks. He’s not a great pitcher but he’s managed two very good ERA seasons (despite poor FIP) in 2009 (2.60 ERA vs. 3.68 FIP) and 2011 (2.96 ERA vs. 3.99 FIP). Or maybe he is just the living proof of Saberhagenmetrics and you should stash him for next year.

Josh Johnson – The Mets seem to be running a Slumpbuster service for aces – one day after giving Lincecum his first win in a WHIP-filled 5 innings, Josh Johnson threw a 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 K gem. He’s had a rough start in his first couple of starts (16 IP, 8 K) but his performance should be fine as long as he stays healthy. And a guy who jumps from the roof of a skyscraper should be fine as long as he remains airborne.

Andrew McCutchen – Finally some RBIs for the Dread Pirate! 17 singles and 3 doubles in 15 games resulted in only 2 RBIs to start the year but he got 3 RBIs last night on a groundout and 2-run double. I think the braiding session between him, Presley, and Tabata really paid dividends.

Tom Milone – Earned a win with an 8 IP, 3 hits, 5 K, 0 BB gem against the White Sox. He’s never going to be a dominant K guy but he’s turning into a must-start at least for home starts – even if his name reminds me of a loser’s MySpace friend list (yes, I know…what non-loser has MySpace….it’s creative license).

David Price – Complete game shutout against the Angels. He must’ve been mad at Arte Moreno for saying he wasn’t an object during the Pujols negotiations.

Mike Aviles - 4 for 5 with 2 doubles, a HR, 2 runs and 3 RBI against Nick Hackburn and the Twins. Aviles now has 3 HRs and is hitting well over .300. Not to mention the trifecta in position eligibilty (2B/SS/3B). Definite sell high candidate as he seems to have a meteoric streak like this every year and then falls down to Earth.

David Ortiz – Big Papi is hitting .444 with 3 HRs so far. He really seems to be physically and emotionally into the game.

Rex Brothers – The Rex Brothers tag-teamed on a few of our teams’ ERA/WHIPs with a disastrous 4 batters – double, single, double, walk – against the season-long slumping Pirates. That’s now two straight outings where he got no outs (so two straight ings?). Love his K potential and he might have an outside chance at the closer gig at some point….but he’s unownable in mixed leagues right now and near unplayable in NL-only leagues.

Hunter Pence - Put his owners and Phillie fans through the ringer the last couple days. Hurt his shoulder over the weekend, sat on Monday, had an MRI during the day on Tuesday, was twurmered (tweet murmur) to be sitting today, and then hit a 2-run HR at night. Way to put the Pence in suspense, Hunter.

Matt Wieters – HR #6. Take note – next time there’s a hyped catcher, just wait a couple years before drafting them high.

Tony Campana – Second straight 2 SB game for Campana – even if the 2nd was an AWFUL call. Cuz safe ain’t got no face either.

Max Scherzer – Not cool, Max. It’s one thing to get blasted by the Red Sox in your first start of the season but giving up 5 ER and 12 baserunners in 5 innings at home against Seattle is like a surprise nut punch.

Gerardo Parra - 3rd SB in 6 games for Parra. SAGNOF!

Chris Perez - That’s 7 straight converted saves for Chris Perez with only 1 ER. He’s anything but a sure bet this year (5 K / 4 BB in 10 IP this year) but, if I was Pestano, I’d pull a Delilah and cut his mullet in his sleep.

Vance Worley – A very impressive start (6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks) on a night where the ball was carrying at Chase Field (5 HRs in the game). He’s now at about 163 MLB IP with 150 Ks and a 1.22 WHIP. I think I’m catching the VW bug.

Craig Kimbrel – Got the save after giving up 1 Hit, 1 BB, and, of course, getting 3 strikeouts. Can we start calling a 3 K inning for a save a ‘Kimbrel’?

Jose Altuve - The slam and legs for Altuve. That’s 3 SBs in the past 5 games. The .350 AVG is inflated by a lucky BABIP but Altuve’s showing an improved eye (same amount of BBs this year as he did in 3x the PAs last year) which should only help his runs and SBs. If only his last name didn’t make him sound like a terrorist.

Mike Pelfrey – There are murmurs that Pelfrey may have a partially torn UCL and be sent to Dr. Freeze for Tommy John surgery – or at least Sandy Alderson can’t ‘rule this out’. He’s like bizarro-Minaya – overreporting possible injuries vs. underreport confirmed injuries. “You know, Mr. Met may very well be a man in costume who drank too much nerve tonic and suffered the same ill effects as Ken Griffey Jr. in the Simpsons ‘Homer at the Bat’ episode.”

Tim Lincecum went six innings and gave up a bongillion runs and has a 10.54 ERA on the year.  He’s either sharing a UCL with Wilson or he’s about to make a turn around.  No pitcher is going to throw a 10.54 ERA without the universe abandoning that whole gravity thing.  And in that case, there would be bigger fish to fry, and we’d have to fry that fish in a Jiffy Pop container, otherwise the hot oil would float away.  Or so I read in one of Ken Cosgrove’s stories.  Will Lincecum have a 2.75 ERA this year?  Well, that’s a different bag of flying fried fish.  There’s talk that his velocity is down, which makes his change-up less effective.  See, you need one to go fast and one to go deceptively less fast.  It’s timing, y’all.  Could Lincecum be nothing more than a 3.50 ERA pitcher?  Yeah, it’s possible, but there’s still value in that.  I wouldn’t give the farm in a trade for him, but I’d see if someone was interested in the tractor.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Wilson – There’s talk he could rehab and not get Tommy John surgery because he has a moderate UCL sprain.  Oh!  Is that all?  Terrific.  Spray some Windex on it and get out there!

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a run as he started for the 2nd straight day.  Look at the big brain on Bochy!

Freddy Sanchez – Had a minor setback during his rehab.  Hey, I know that impersonation — Josh Hamilton, right?  Pretty good, Freddy!

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2nd homer as he bats .405.  He’s marching towards history; someone better put Ted Williams’ head in a microwave.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and a 131 pitches.  I couldn’t get a one out save for Valverde here?  Throw Grey a bone!

Doug Fister – Threw 10 pitches off the mound and another 90 pitches and, Dougie Fister, you’re on.  On, on, on, on, on… But, trust me, you don’t want to see Fister beatbox.

Carlos Gonzalez – Out for three straight days with strep throat.  For our Latin American readers, that’s no lymph nodus operandi.

Danny Duffy – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Tigers.  You kinda had to have nads of steel if you started Duffy vs. the Tigers.  Or whatever the equivalent is for our four girl readers.  It’s not even that incredible of a start.  Or is it?!  There was only one walk.  That could make Danny Duffy more than just the cream of the crap on the Royals staff.  His problem in the past has been walks, but if he controls that, guess what else he has?  Yup.  So far, he has 15 Ks in 12 1/3 innings.  Sure, it’s a small sample size, but so are your hands and we know that’s a myth.  Over 10 K-rate in Triple-A, over 9 in Double-A, over 7 last year in the majors, but he was a mess last year.  Throw it out.  Seriously, find a recycle bin and let Philip Humber pick it out.  Means nothing.  If he can get 180 innings this year, he could get 180 Ks.  The ERA may bounce around 4.00, but there’s upside for much more.

Andy Pettitte – Will make his next start on Friday after he pitched 4 shutout innings on Sunday.  May 10th is the target date for his return.  Let’s see if they can coax Posada out of retirement, and then the Yankees can make every day Old Timer’s Day.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4, but whatever.  The other day I saw Raul Ibanez on the front page of ESPN’s fantasy coverage talking about how he should be owned.  I was like, “Hmm… Did I miss something between drunk Friday and hangover Saturday?”  So I looked at his stats:  2 homers on the year, 9 RBIs while batting .222.  Why is ESPN pimping this guy?  Oh, that’s right, he plays for the Yankees.  Seriously, imagine he was on any other team.  This guy would get a feature?  He has some huge years on the Phils and never saw any press.  What’s Clay Rapada gotta do to get a feature?  Freddy Garcia can’t get no coverage?  Hey, ESPN, go get your shine box!

Michael Pineda – Threw 26 pitches in a bullpen session.  It’s no marathon bukkake session, but I guess it’s something.

Ike Davis – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, Valley Fever, I sneeze in your general direction!

Jason Bay – 1-for-4 with a homer.  So he didn’t retire?

Jason Heyward – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal.  I love that.  Nothing gets me juices flowing like saying “me” instead of “my” and a guy who isn’t owned for steals stealing a random base.  Get it, Heyward, get it!

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Did we ever establish his over/under for innings pitched this year?  How’s 130 sound?

Cory Luebke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors.  I know, sonavabench!  But better a good start on the bench than a bad one and then be worried about his next start too.

Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Looks like there’s some traffic, cause he’s also batting .405.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  Matt Wieters Fact:  He took two years in the majors to fulfill his potential.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-3 with a pinch hit homer off Santiago.  Now has 3 homers on the year.  Since I’ve spewed nothing but praise for Reimold for the last three years, I’ll save you the time.  I love him.  If you really wanna go there, my Nolan Reimold fantasy.  I wrote it in pink highlighter.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  On last week’s podcast, I said Santiago wouldn’t get out of April with the closer job.  Cust kayin’.

Philip Humber – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Starting the week off with a Humber, nice!  Not to be an ageist, but Humber’s 29 years old and hasn’t shown a whole lot.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s solid.  In most mixed leagues, you can probably find better.

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first homer (and RBIs) of the season.  Member when everyone was crazy about Kendrys in the spring?  Ah, yes, those were the days.  We were younger then!  And you had hair!

Glen Perkins – Sounds like Perkins might end up on the DL. So if shizz Cappens, the back up would be… Have the Twins won yet?  Oh, yeah, they have… Okay, so if there’s a Cappsizing… Um, well, there’s the Reading Rainbow favorite, Jared Burton… There’s Brian, the Duensing Machine… There’s Alex Burnett.  Yeah, let’s hope Capps is okay… Wait, I own Capps.  Yeah, I’m not sure what I’m hoping for.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and third RBI on the year.  Another 98 homers and he’ll break 100 RBIs.  Oh, Twins.

Stephen Lombardozzi – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs as he filled in for Espinosa.  This is worth monitoring in NL-Only leagues.  Lombardozzi has good potential, but I think Espinosa will be back out there.  Though Espinosa is proving to be a painful 20/20.  Like looking at Hugh Downs naked.

Henry Rodriguez – 2nd save yesterday and he has a 0.00 ERA.  Nothing to see there, literally.

Wilson Ramos – Hit his first homer yesterday.  He tried to get it back from the fan who caught it, but the fan wanted $50,000 in unmarked bills dropped off in an abandoned parking lot.  Poor guy…

Mitch Moreland – Should be fine today after having oral surgery.  That Hershiser sure is busy!

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I recall something in the preseason something about you staying away from Shields.  That’s right, Random Italicized Voice, I was worried– You were wrong!  Well, I was– Wrong!  Are you going to let me finish?  Sure.  He has a 3.98 ERA career ERA after 1240 innings.  That’s not the smallest of sample sizes.  He doesn’t look like a sub-3 ERA pitcher like he was last year, but more like a sub-4 ERA.  If you want to look at small sample sizes– Pull down your pants!  Funny.  No, what I was going to say is that his K-rate looks to be reverting to his ‘bad’ ERA years.  On a related note, I tried to see some historical data for Patriot’s Day games because I was wondering if those games are usually low scoring because they’re so early.  I didn’t find any data, but I ended up at Wikipedia where I found this, “Because of the unusually early start time as the first baseball game of the week, many fantasy baseball players are often negatively affected by the early roster lock time. Each year, this date causes havoc with owner’s lineups who are unfamiliar with the early start.”  Are our commenters editing Wikipedia?

Fernando Rodney – Recorded his 4th save.  Aren’t you glad you drafted (fill in one of seventeen injured closers)?

Daniel Bard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 7 Ks as he was throwing 36% sliders.  Looks like the Bard’s already drafting a sequel to Antony & Cleopatra called, Antony & UCLeopatra where their love leads to a rupture that only one doctor in all the land can fix.

Cody Ross – 2-fo-4.  In the Sawx outfield is Ross, Sweeney and McDonald.  That sounds more like a comedy troupe than a MLB OF.  Is that the Boston Groundlings?

Kevin Youkilis – Did not play as Bobby Valentine called into question Youk’s heart.  How can they say that after he played with those two broken thumbs?

Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey!  Okay, back to the quote).  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget.  I’m coming out of this quote.)”  And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely!  That’s what she said!  Wait, huh?  My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months.  You don’t go see Dr. Freeze for the lollipops.  Unless he’s removing your arm and giving you lollipop appendages.  “Hey, guys, stop calling me a Dum-Dum and I’m serious!”  We shall see on when Storen will return.  I’ve been preaching about Henry Rodriguez for about three weeks too.  He’s a wild cat.  Yesterday, he came in and seduced me with his filth, but left me sad and alone with the wild.  (The preceding was not an excerpt from my soon to be released western novel, “Saddle Up To My Stache.”)  If HanK-Rod is still out there, I’d grab him.  If Lidge is out there, I’d grab him too.  I’m pretty sure Davey will decide on one closer within the next week or so and you’ll be able to drop the guy not getting saves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  It’s a solid start, so I’m not gonna complain too much, which is obviously leading into me complaining.  Now, it’s the first start of the year for Anibal, couldn’t we have been happy with 6 strong innings and not sent him out there to give up two runs in the 7th?  Stupid Ozzie!  (By the way, I made “Stupid Ozzie” a shortcut on my computer.  Now whenever I type “St” it fills in the rest with Stupid Ozzie.)

Giancarlo Stupid Ozzie – Was scratched with knee pain.  The Marlins aren’t that concerned, but the Marlins also decided to put a giant sculpture of unicorn vomit in their outfield, so I’m not sure how much we should trust them.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with 2 homers, and now has 3 homers on the year.  Look at the Infante getting all grown up.  Who’s the big boy?  You’re the big boy.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with his 4th steal in 5 games.  Was actually kinda bummed I didn’t draft Bonifacio on any teams.  I was like three Phillie Blunts high on him when I did my rankings.  Oh, well, can’t get everyone I suppose, especially when Rudy refused to draft him on any of our teams.  *shakes fist* Rudy!

Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp.  Doesn’t Midol make something for that?

Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Kazaam!

Jhoulys Chacin – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Worst thing you can do is overreact early on to one start or a few oh-fer’s.  With that said, Yo-Lease is a mess.  His velocity’s down, his walks are up, he’s probably dealing with an injury…. It’s what got Khalil Greene in the end, the Silent H is too much of a burden!  Yo-lease is up, move out!

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-4 yesterday as he was dropped from leadoff to the two hole.  The way he’s hitting the two hole may be appropriate figuratively, but he’s literally going to be in the eight hole soon.

Barry Zito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he threw his first shutout since 2003.  After the game, Zito celebrated with a dip in the jay-couz.  (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Daniel Bard – Red Sox reiterated that they want Bard as a starter.  We shall see how they feel after Bard’s start on Tuesday vs. the Blue Jays.  I’m putting the over/under for runs at 5 and the walks at 4.  Anyone want any action?

Alfredo Aceves – Threw a perfect inning to get the save.  For now, Red Sox Nation delayed their trip to Lake Tahoe with ‘fredo.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper could be activated for Tuesday.  He’s probably hoping to get in the lineup immediately, so he can get injured again by the weekend.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he held the heart of the Twins order to… Hmm, where is the heart of the Twins order?

Hector Noesi – 3 IP, 7ER and Yu Darvish (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks) as they combined to throw more hangers than Joan Crawford.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a homer as he whet someone’s appetite for dance.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-1 with a steal.  Since he wasn’t very good against lefties, Girardi is using a platoon with Andruw Jones and a Waterpik to get between his braces.  Firstly, Gardner still gets in the game and steals a base (the reason you have him).  Secondly, this platoon sticks if Gardner doesn’t hit.  Last year, he hit .194 in April and .233 vs. lefties, so maybe he’s doing us a favor.  Thirdly, the platoon only sticks if the Yankees’ old and wonky lineup stays healthy.  Fourthly, there’s no fourthly.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Zoinks!  The Ghost of Dave Duncan left a walkthrough for Jake and his friends to Escape from Great American Ballpark.

David Freese – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  I’ll admit that I’m surprised by Freese’s fast start.  I thought he was an Ecksteinian (which looks odd, but Ecksteinesque sounded weird in my head) type MVP and he’d go back to being a role player.  Now, he’s just looking like he’s on a roll, player!

Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  If you’re joining us late — where you been?!  You missed about 20,000 offseason words.  I’ll summarize.  Yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Bumgarner yadda ouch my Bum yadda Anibal and my Chris Sale fantasy.

Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Honestly, how long you think this Santiago thing is gonna last?  Two weeks?  Three weeks?  A month?  I’m thinking maybe three weeks.

Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the past about Alvarez, “Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole lot of hitters.  In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher.  Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’m not a big fan, but he could have match-up potential.

Sergio Santos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners and the blown save.  Red light, Chinese fire drill, pick up Francisco Cordero, get back in the car, buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  He won’t have any Ks ever, which is usually a than, but no thans.  But he will help you with your ratios.  Yes, I’d grab him.  Yes, right now.

Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with a homer for The Purple Evolutionist.  His best month last year was April.  As Darwin will tell you, April is the beginning of all things (or at least baseball).

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 and a homer.  When you put ‘power upside’ into Google translator, it spits back “Anything but James Loney.  God, he annoys me.  You should try LaHair in deep leagues.  Now where’s my scotch?!” Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.

Brian Matusz – 4 IP, 4 ER.  How’s that momentum from his spring training going?

Matt Wieters – 4-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year.  Matt Wieters Fact Number #367:  He once porked Boog Powell’s daughter while singing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.

Frank Francisco – Terry Collins said that Francisco is still dealing with some knee inflammation, but he should be fine.  If they need to rest him as the Mets go 162-0, they could turn to Jon Rauch or Miguel Batista, the poet laureate of baseball.  When Miguel Batista heard the news, he said, “Francisco’s on an un-mended knee… When Terry needs help, he’ll call me, sí… If Francisco’s on the shelf for a while and not feeling spry, then they’ll call Rauch, especially if that shelf’s high,” then Batista took off his Mets hat that had a feather in it and bowed.

Went over the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball and top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Now, friends, it’s time for the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  In the past, the top 20 catchers were the glass of warm milk right before you went to sleep.  “Hey, I just drafted A.J. Pierzynski!”  Snooze.  “I love Kurt Suzuki this year!”  Yawn.  But this year, for the first time in a while, there’s actually some catchers that could get your nethers moving.  I don’t draft top catchers in one catcher leagues.  Because I ignore the top catchers doesn’t mean I’m starting the top 20 catcher list at number twenty-one (Carlos Ruiz?  Belch.); some of you might want to know the top catchers.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them draft Chris Iannetta.  In two catcher leagues, catchers are a little more valuable, but I’d still prefer to avoid them.  You can see other top 20 lists for 2012 fantasy baseball under 2012 Fantasy Baseball Rankings.  Listed along with these catchers are my 2012 projections for each player and where the tiers begin and end.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Carlos Santana – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Mike Napoli.  I call this tier, “You wanna draft a top catcher?  Be my guest!”  Last year, The Supernatural hit 27 homers.  Makes sense.  He stole 5 bags.  Sounds about right.  He hit .239.  Huh?  Does not compute.  Must investigate.  His walk rate tanked from 19.3% to 14.7% and his strikeout rate jumped from 15.1% to 20.2%.  He was a bit unlucky, but his average can’t be explained away by that.  His line drive rate fell, ground ball rate shot up and his infield flies went up.  The assumption around most parts are he’s going to repeat his homers, counting stats and bounce back in the average department in a big way.  He’s talented and young enough for that to happen, but I wouldn’t wager on it.  This is also a whole lot of hot air cause I’d take his last year with a small bump on average and be more than happy.  That’s if I were to draft Santana, which I would not unless he fell.  I don’t draft top catchers.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.260/5

2. Brian McCann – The string of me ranking McCann first overall for catchers has come to an end.  Trust me, I tried to justify moving him up for longer than I’d care to admit.  Okay, I’ll admit I only thought it over for three minutes.  But those three minutes were underwater so it felt a lot longer.  What ended up having me leave Carlos Santana above McCann is Santana is younger and has already hit more homers in one season than McCann ever has.  Now, the one thing that has me still as a non-apologetic McCann apologist is he’s only 28 years old and, deep in my loins, I really believe McCann’s gonna hit 30 homers one of these years, and if it’s gonna be any year it may as well be his 28-year-old season, and this is the longest run-on sentence ever, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, I checked.  2012 Projections:  70/25/85/.275/3

3. Matt Wieters – At some point last year I felt as if people weren’t appreciating Wieters, and I began to like him.  It’s tough always swimming against the tide!  Unlike Santana, Wieters actually cut his K-rate and was a bit unlucky to end up with only a .262 average.  He made more solid (solider?) contact last year pushing up his line drive rate while cutting his ground balls.  To throw a random name at you, I think Wieters outperforms Ike Davis in 2012.  To throw a more random name out at you — Mitzi Gaynor.  2012 Projections:  80/24/85/.280

4. Mike Napoli – I hope Mike appreciates I was here for him even when his own manager didn’t want to play him.  When someone needs a makeover, I simply have to takeover.  Nothing is gonna stop Napoli from being pop-ewe-ler…LAR!  That was for our three girl readers.  If any of you ladies like mustaches, dial 1-800-G-R-E-Y-S-T-U-D.  With that said (here comes the negative), Napoli just had his best season.  It was a good one too.  I’m happy for him.  I’m happy for his mom’s nipples.  Still doesn’t change the fact that I need to think about 2012 and not 2011.  The power shouldn’t fall off the map like the earth is flat, but 30 homers is the ceiling.  The bigger problem is his average.  The only time he ever had more than 500 plate appearances in a season he hit .238.  Sadly, that’s repeatable for him.  2012 Projections:  60/25/70/.250/3

5. Buster Posey – This is the next tier.  This tier goes from here until Jesus Montero.  I call this tier, “They could be the top catchers, but they’re not.  Go figure!” From early mock drafts that I’ve seen (I’ve looked y’all!), Posey’s still being overdrafted.  My man could miss three seasons and still get drafted high.  You know, like Joe Mauer.  Posey does seem like the only thing holding him back is avoiding freak injuries (no connection to Lincecum).  But, you know what, I’d like to see him avoid these freak injuries prior to me drafting him anywhere near where he’s going.  2012 Projections:  65/20/75/.300

6. Alex Avila – I expect he’ll have the same exact year in 2012 as he had in 2011.  Yay.  Moving on.  Okay, I’ll say more.  As my life coach tells me, expectations lead to disappointment.  So my expectations are Avila will repeat last year, but he’s also very young (25).  He only has one and three-quarters of a season in the majors.  So does that make him a super sophomore?  Well, hopefully he doesn’t have a super sophomore slump.  See what I did there?  Don’t light that match, I’m cooking with gas!  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.280/3

7. Joe Mauer – People who still draft this guy high are either more trusting than me or idiots.  It’s well established at this point he’s never repeating his year of 28 homers from 2009.  Frankly, I’d like to see him hit 10 homers again, and don’t call me Frank Lee.  2012 Projections: 80/10/85/.310/3

8. Miguel Montero – What separates Miguel Montero from Jesus Montero?  M-I-G-U-E-L.  C’mon, that was easy.  Oh, and upside.  If you don’t want to take the chance on Jesus’s ability to walk on water and prefer the safer bet, I could see just going for the less flashy Montero.  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.270

9. Jesus Montero – I had already went over my Jesus Montero 2012 fantasy.  It went something like this blah blah blah I’m smart blah blah blah I’m smart.  Now the post reads like I’m the King of Wishful Thinking after Cashman told him to Go West.  (There’s a terrible 90′s pop song pun in there.  I apologize.) The trade of Montero/Pineda wasn’t great for either player’s fantasy value.  Though it’ll turn out worse for Pineda in the short term.  For Montero, the M’s have a whole lot fewer DH/catcher options so this should actually help him retain (gain?) catcher eligibility a lot easier.  It’s going to hurt his power a tad.  In the Yankees lineup, I had his projections as 70/20/85/.290.  With 677 ABs in the leadoff spot, Ichiro only had 80 runs, so you can see Montero’s counting stats are gonna take a hit.  Also, Safeco, like all -co parks, is no hitter haven.  So you’re going to get a guy that actually can play catcher for fantasy but will have less production.  (Note: He may not have catcher eligibility to start the year, so be very, very careful.  Or not.  Your choice.  I do think he gets the eligibility quickly on the M’s though.)  2012 Projections: 55/17/70/.285

10. Geovany Soto – This is the next tier.  This tier goes from here until Arencibia.  I call this tier, “Low averages and catnip for kidnappers, but I’ll draft them.”  Seriously, are the good catchers going to go on forever?  How deep is this mother-effin’ position this year?  It’s a brand new day, Sting.  “Get your cousins and marry them cause catchers are breeding up in here like rabbits!”  That’s the guy at your draft talking who you can’t believe you were once close friends with.  I’m getting slightly tired of trusting Soto, but he comes at a decent price and I feel like there’s gotta be one season in his bat of neutral luck where he hits for a decent-enough average and power.  Why not this year?  Then we can all say Theo Epstein was the reason and Michael Lewis can write a book about it.  2012 Projections:  60/18/75/.260

11. Wilson Ramos – Okay, stop with all these catchers.  My heart can’t handle it.  They’re all so beautiful.  If you can’t tell, I’m drafting a catcher from this tier if things work out the way they should at drafts.  Last year, Ramos hit 15 homers but that was in only 113 games/389 at-bats.  Extra 100 ABs shouldn’t be hard to come by with a few extra dingers, but I do think Ramos’s owners will not only need to wear ski masks, but will need to set him and forget him as learned in The Ron Popeil School of Catcher Management.  2012 Projections:  55/18/70/.270

12. J.P. Arencibia – You win, catchers!  You are one sexy position this year.  It’s like I’m looking at you in a red-lit room in Amsterdam and can’t decide which one of you I want to screw me.  J.P. which stands for “Just the facts, Paul” looks like a young Napoli.  Now if only his manager would bench him for four of five days the circle will be complete.  Arencibia probably won’t hit above .240 (his K-rate was 27.4%; that’s crazy terrible), but if we join hands and pray maybe, just maybe, he can hit .245.  2012 Projections:  50/21/70/.235

13. Devin Mesoraco – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Suzuki.  I call this tier, “Sexy names with no track record and unsexy names with track records.”  Devin’s one of those sexy names I mentioned about fifteen words ago.  I already went over my Devin Mesoraco 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while picking lint from between my toes.  2012 Projections:  55/18/65/.280 (<–Optimistic, but whatever)

14. Salavador Perez – UPDATE:  INJURY.  DON’T DRAFT. He will only be 21 years old to start the season.  At catcher, there’s an old credo that I just made up right now that maybe people say but I’m not aware of it.  It goes something like this, “Catchers take a few years to get used to catching and hitting at the major league level.  It’s not an easy position to just jump into.”  Wearing a pithy helmet with that one, I tell ya.  So, as a 21-year-old, you’re going to have some growing pains with Perez.  Incredibly, he has been playing pro ball since 2007 and he makes solid contact.  Could I have ranked Yadier here instead?  Sure, but what fun is that?  2012 Projections:  50/10/65/.280

15. Jarrod Saltalamacchia – I like to think Saltymochachino is a nice bridge between the sexy names in this tier and the unsexy names.  I’m being too generous.  He’s not sexy.  Saltymochachino’s had 5 years to be sexy and he still looks like Phyllis Diller first thing in the morning.  Last year his K-rate was so absurdly bad (30.8%) that he shouldn’t have a starting job.  As of this writing (around December 8th at 4:23 PM), he still did.  Holy crap, it’s now December 12th at 5:35 PM!  Damn, I have to work on typing faster.  Wait, now it’s December 13th and Shoppach just landed in Boston.  Maybe slow typing isn’t bad after all!  Kelly Shoppach will steal time from Salty, but for now Salty looks good for some cheap power and maybe he’ll luck into a decent average.  I mean, Napoli did hit .320 last year.  In.  Sane.  (Yeah, I did that douchey one word into two sentences thing.)  2012 Projections:  45/15/60/.220

16. Ryan Doumit – And just like that the catchers get even less sexier.  Wha’ happened?!  I went over my Ryan Doumit 2012 fantasy already.  I wrote it on the wall of my cell.  If Doumit can scrounge together 500 plate appearances, he could be as valuable as Joe Mauer.  Before you laugh, think to yourself why you’re laughing?  Because you think I’m dumb?  That’s not very nice.  2012 Projections:  45/14/55/.260

17. Russell Martin – Technically, he should be ranked higher than this if he just repeats last year, but there’s the pickle juice that kills you. (Snopes confirmed!)  Martin’s not repeating last year.  If he gets 12 homers, I’ll run around my office naked.  Though, I do work from home and don’t own clothes, so it’s not much of a bet.  2012 Projections:  50/10/60/.240/9

18. Jonathan Lucroy – When you look at Lucroy’s age (25), you think sexy.  Yeah, he doesn’t look like anything other than a Yadier Molina clone, but — and like J. Lo this is a big but — Lucroy’s young enough to maybe fill out a little and add a few more homers.  When you’re this deep, you go for upside and not for Molina. (Notice how I keep talking about Molina but have yet to rank him?  That’ll all change soon.)  2012 Projections:  50/13/60/.260/3

19. Yadier Molina – Hey, is that Diego Rivera catching?  No!  Doc Ock?  Nope!  It’s the other Molina!  Yeah, he’s boring as dog balls.  If you draft Yadier Molina as your catcher, this tells me you don’t care enough to at least draft someone with some upside.  Shame on you and the horse you rode in on.  Beautiful horse, though.  Very regal.  You must watch Downton Abbey.  2012 Projections:  45/9/50/.280/5

20. Kurt Suzuki – Do me a favor and don’t draft him.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Suzuki’s never hit more than 15 homers and hasn’t hit above .242 in two years.  You’re expecting a miracle in a crappy lineup in a terrible ballpark?  Maybe Hatteberg can come out of retirement and drive him in 120 times.  You’d like that cause you need happy endings.  Well, then go get a massage!  2012 Projections:  50/12/55/.240/3

After the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball there’s a lot of names, but these two stand out:

Victor Martinez – He was originally ranked 6th, but now he has a torn ACL. What a debACLe!  Oh, God, that is rich.  Sounds like he’s gonna miss the whole season, unless you believe in mirACLes.  Seriously, effin’ rich!  2012 Projections: nothing/but/doo/dee

Chris Iannetta – If I knew the Sciosciapath were definitely going to give Iannetta 500 plate appearances, I’d be more excited about drafting him.  But what the hey?!  It’s a catcher; I’ll still take a flyer and see where he goes.  Something no one seems to talk about in their rankings.  You could put “Undecided” ranked 12th on every list and still do fine as long as you don’t take “Undecided” for every position.  Now if you were to draft “Undeclared” you’d be in trouble.  I keed!  Or do I?  No, I do.  To talk you out of drafting Iannetta, even though I think the point is to talk you into drafting him, he’s out of Coors and his home/away splits look like a mural made of turd.  Turd, turd, turd, turd is the word!  Damn, now that’s stuck in my head.  Last three years — he’s hitting .171 in away games.  Whatever, I don’t care if his away average is floating in the toilet waiting for someone to flush it like Lawrence Taylor’s post-football career.  I placed him here to highlight him, but I’d rank him right above Arencibia because a flyer at catcher is fine.  Turd, turd, turd, turd is the word!  Now it’s stuck in your head too.  Sucker!  2012 Projections:  55/16/65/.245/5