Fantasy Baseball Advice

That sound you hear is my heart going a pitter patter for Brandon Belt.  That sound you might also hear is Bruce Springsteen on my iTunes.  He’s singing the September 11th Telethon version of My City Of Ruins.  It gives me chills eleven years later.  Now to completely sully that beautiful image, I keep hearing, “Now the sweet veils of fantasy… Drift through the evening news…  Young men at my corner…Like scattered leaves… The boarded up closers… I can’t believe one of the injured closers wasn’t Huston Street… The hustlers and base thieves… My pants are down below my knees… Where’s my Belt?  My team’s in ruins!  My team’s in ruins!  Come on rise up!  I need a Belt.  Come on rise up!  I need my Belt!”  At this point, I don’t care if Belt plays every day, he should be owned IN CASE (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) he plays every day.  He’s capable of great things.  Trust me, if you drop, say, Jason Kubel, you won’t regret it, but if you don’t pick up Belt you may.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Alfredo Aceves – How about we get SAGNOF out of the way right off the bat this week?

Joel Peralta – I just hope this doesn’t turn into a closer Frankenstein named Joel P. HowGeeney.

Matt Thornton – Know what Robin Ventura needs?  A good Nolan Ryan noogie.  I hope Matt Thornton walks away with this job, even if I don’t trust him at all, but for now it’s a closer by committee.  I’d grab Thornton, Jesse Crain, Addison Reed and Hector Santiago, in that order.  Actually, I’d only grab Thornton.  I’m not speculating on four closers on a terrible team, but your straits may be more dire than mine.  Saves for nothing and the chicks for free.

Jim Johnson – As expected, Johnson was named the Orioles closer.  On a related note, my johnson is named, “The closer.”

Brad Lidge – I went over Lidge and HanK-Rod this morning.  It went something like this, “Yadda yadda eeny meeny miney yadda yadda.”  Riveting stuff.  If they gave out Pulitzers for fantasy baseball blogs, I’d be wearing a bunch of those puppies around my neck.  I’d be like the Flavor Flav of blog Pulitzers.

Henry Rodriguez – See 1/8th of an inch above or like 48 inches below to the other post.  Choose your own adventure!

Sean Rodriguez – At shortstop, he could be like Ben Zobrist but as a batting average risk and who doesn’t sound Jewish.  Or Low-BA Nobris.

Rafael Furcal – Looks like your standard Early Bird Special, which is fine for April, but if you show up too late you may have to pay full price for the egg salad sandwich.

Freddy Galvis – Haven’t talked much (if it all) about Galvis.  He’s the Phillie fill-in (kinda stutterer!) for Utley while he recovers from Glass Chipperitis.  Never one to shy away from telling you to pick up a guy about three weeks before everyone else and looking like a complete ass while doing it, I bring you Freddy Galvis.  Last year in Double-A, he had 19 steals in 104 games and 4 more in Triple-A in 33 games.  For a fast guy, he’s pretty egregious at getting on base and might hit under .220, which is, as a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to little people will tell you, no small feat.  If you’re crunched for speed and in a deep league, I’d take a look at him.

Lorenzo Cain – Lo-Cain will get you high without the teeth grinding and you don’t need long fingernails like you’re an old Asian man.

Ryan Sweeney – I baited you this morning to come back to read about Sweeney, and — surprise! — I’m kinda lukewarm on him.  He doesn’t have a ton of power or speed, but he can get you some average over the next month while Crawford is out.  He reminds me of Omar Infante.  Let’s call him, Omar ByMayImmaFinished.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – Just went over him this morning.  Use your scrolly finger.

Juan Nicasio – Ma nish ta nitcher.  That’s, “How is this pitcher different than all other pitchers?” for those that don’t know Hebrew.  Nicasio can give 140 Ks and a three and a half ERA over the course of the season, that’s how.

Tommy Milone – Let’s get down to brass tacks!  Or is it brass tactics?  (And while we’re clarifying shizz, is it Tom or Tommy Milone?  What yo’ momma name you, fool?!  You say Tommy?  I say you full of Milone!)  Never the hoo!  You can’t get WHIP help off waivers and every team needs WHIP help unless you drafted Halladay, but then you need hitting help and that’s a whole nutter can of beans.  Yeah, I’m saying nutter instead of another.  Go with it.

Edinson Volquez – Okay, you can get strikeout help late.  Tis is true.  But you can’t get 200 K strikeout help later.  So there’s a nutter thing.

Chris Johnson – Won the Astros’ starting 3rd base gig.  That’s a lower case yay.  He had a huge spring with 5 homers.  That’s a medium case yay that doesn’t really matter anymore.  In deep leagues, you might catch lightning in a bottle out of the gate.  Plus, if you shout his name while in a urinal, you sound like you have a prostate problem.

Juan Francisco – As adults who are trying to sound like teenagers might say, dawg’s got pop for days.  I’d pick him up for a minute until Daddy Hurt Legs returns.

SELL

Jonathan Broxton – He was just named the Royals closer.  You know what?  That’s hella awesome, and I got a tip from Hella Awesome:  SAGNOF!  A basic tenet of SAGNOF! is that closers come and go and some go quicker than others.  Broxton could be fine, and don’t drop him if you lucked out into grabbing him, but, if you need any other piece, Broxton’s value will never get higher.  As soon as he pitches, his value will probably fall.  Act fast, young, premature balding man!

Michael Pineda – You knew better than Grey.  You said, “Grey’s an effin’ jerk with feathered hair, but a really cool mustache.”  I know, you did.  I don’t hate you for it.  But when you drafted Pineda, you done messed up.  You know that, right?  He’s reporting he can play catch.  That’s great news…That you tell the trade partner in your league why he should trade you something for Pineda, before he’s mysteriously shut down again.

Jason Heyward – I know it’s one game.  But I’m scared, y’all.  I think Fredi Gonzalez hates Heyward about as much as he likes to throw Venters.  And Heyward’s been striking out a lot.  He might need a change of venue.  I actually hope I’m wrong here.  I hope I’m reading too much into one game, but something’s up.  He’s far too talented to be hitting 7th, then if Chipper returns and Prado moves to the outfield and Diaz plays, Heyward could sit vs. lefties.   That’s death for his fantasy and potential trade value.  I wouldn’t trade him for a VHS of Mama’s Family blooper reels, but I would explore options.

Joakim Soria went from being a $12 Salad to a Donkeycorn to a Brain Freeze back to a Donkeycorn to off the list completely in 12 short months.  And if this is the first post you’ve ever read at Razzball, I probably lost you by the eighth word.  Later!  In Soria’s wake is Broxton and Holland, who together can be called Hamsterdam.  In other “Saves give me serious agita” news is Ryan Madson.  He went from a donkeycorn to off the list.  Donkeycorns are dropping like flies!  Then there’s Drew Storen.  He was touch ‘n go there for a day or two… Okay, for about a week or two, but it seems like he could be okay.  Yet, he’s starting the year on the DL.  Terrific.  Since our last Closer Look, Beane told us Balfour got the closer job in Oakland and Chris Perez got the job back from Pestano, which has the Italian American Anti-Defamation League up in arms, but that’s the norm for them since they talk with their hands.  Finally, Carlos Marmol had some nerve issues with his hand that many Razzball commenters opined was from too much internet porn surfing.  Sounds like someone is empathizing.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (+1) (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (+1) (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
7. Heath Bell (+1) (Steve Cishek, Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo)
8. Huston Street (+6) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
9. Jason Motte (+4) (Fernando Salas, Eduardo Sanchez)
10. Brian Wilson (-4) (Santiago Casilla, Sergio Romo)
11. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek, Chris Resop)
12. Andrew Bailey (+4) (Mark Melancon, Daniel Bard)
13. Sergio Santos (+3) (Francisco Cordero)
14. Kyle Farnsworth (+4) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
15. Carlos Marmol (-6) (Kerry Wood, Rafael Dollis)
16. Jordan Walden (+1) (Scott Downs, Rich Thompson)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
18. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen, George Sherrill)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Rafael Betancourt (+2) (Rex Brothers)
20. Javy Guerra (-1) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
21. Grant Balfour (+8) (Brian Fuentes, Faustino De Los Santos)
22. Sean Marshall (-10) (Nick Masset, Aroldis Chapman)
23. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
24. Brett Myers (+2) (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
25. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
26. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
27. Matt Thornton (-3) (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed, Will Ohman, Hector Santiago)
28. Matt Capps (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
29. Greg Holland/Jonathan Broxton (-19) (Aaron Crow)
30. Brad Lidge/Henry Rodriguez (-27) (Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard, Mitt Romney)

Ryan Madson has to have Tommy John surgery.  Luckily, he signed with a Dusty Baker-managed team as the trainers have a lot of experience diagnosing busted arms.  Sean Marshall will likely take over the closing gig, spurring indie comedy fans in Cincy to bring Sean Of The Red signs to games.  Best case scenario:  Marshall goes the whole season with the job, continues to rack up a 9+ K-rate and 40+ saves.  Most realistic scenario:  Dusty brings Marshall into the ninth inning of a tie game and, as the two teams battle scoreless inning after scoreless inning, Marshall stays in the game for another 16 innings and throws 450 pitches.  125 of those pitches he kicks over the plate Hacky Sack-style because his arm is too tired.  Then Masset and Aroldis end up getting 5-7 saves each and Marshall ends the year with 30+ saves and an ERA around 3.50.  Most likely scenario involving dolphins:   Marshall falls asleep on a raft and wakes in Barbados.  With the phone lines down due to a tropical storm, he befriends the local innkeeper, Teronimo, who teaches him how to surf.  But Teronimo has a hidden secret — Marshall is really his nephew that his brother asked him to watch over.  When Teronimo reveals his secret, there’s a giant rift between Marshall and Teronimo that is only assuaged by the sight of dolphins.  No matter the scenario, grab Sean Marshall immediately.  You might’ve just lucked into a top tier closer for free.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Drew Storen – Could start the year on the DL.  Davey Johnson made that announcement minutes after he said Storen had no structural issues with his elbow, which came a day after he said Storen needed an MRI, which was minutes after Storen said he couldn’t throw, which can mere moments after he was diagnosed with strep throat.  Following?  Yeah, neither do I.  I’m beginning to think some ball clubs need a new HMO.  Johnson said Clippard would not see saves, but the team would turn to Henry Rodriguez or Brad Lidge.  I’d pick them up in reverse order for saves.  When in doubt, go with the guy with experience.  And no one has experience blowing leads quite like Lidge.  “Nats Fall Off the Lidge” is already written on a Post-It on some copy editor’s desk just waiting to go to press.  In one league where our innings max is small and our needs for Ks is tall — she says she likes the ocean — we went with Rodriguez.  He averages 98 MPH with his fastball and has a 9+ K-rate.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be this year’s huge middle reliever breakout.

Bobby Jenks – Arrested for a DUI.  He’s signed a contract with Hanna Barbera for the rights to his name as animated onomatopoeia when a cartoon character crashes a car.  Barney, “Fred, Watch out!”  JENKS!

Joba Chamberlain – Dislocated his ankle reportedly playing on a trampoline.  It was an inevitable outcome of his failed appeasement policy when he ceded playing in the Bouncyland region of Chuck E. Cheesoslovakia.

Joakim Soria – Will undergo Tommy John surgery.  Feel free to drop him, we won’t see him until thirteen after twenty.

Chris Carpenter – Updating the previous 17 posts I’ve done on Carpenter, he has nerve issues in his shoulder.  Not good news, as if you needed me to tell you.  I wouldn’t have drafted Carpenter before this news.  Guess how I feel about him about him now.  73?  That’s your guess?  That’s terrible.  Get Lance Lynn in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, I’m guessing Carpenter won’t be back for a while.  When he dealt with this similar problem in 2008, he threw 15 innings that year.  No, I didn’t forget a zero.  That’s fifteen.  We may even see Shelby Miller by June, if Lynn can’t cut it, though I think Lynn can.  Here’s what I said earlier this preseason, “Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90?s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Trevor Bauer – Was optioned down to Double-A and Uncle Barry Enright was optioned to Triple-A.  Rusty Ryal and Chris Jakubauskas were assigned to their minor league camp.  You think Chris Jakubauskas ever misspells his own name?

Jamie Moyer – The 49-year-old will make the Rockies rotation.  For now, he’ll put on hold his quest to make the World Bingo Tour.

Mark Trumbo – On Saturday, the Sciosciapath said, “We feel (Trumbo) has the potential to be a terrific third baseman.”  Then he started laughing uncontrollably.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper tore his meniscus announcing his retirement.

Matt Thornton – White Sox announced there’s a five man race for the closer role –  Santiago, Ohman, Thornton, Reed and Crain.  Kinda sounds like the race to be the Republican presidential candidate.  I think right now the chances are Thornton at 80%, Crain at 10% and the field is at 10%.

Chase Utley – Said he’ll miss Opening Day but expects to play this year.  Have things gotten so bad that in March Utley is saying he’s going to play this year?  He has to clarify at some point in the next six months he’s going to be ready?  Yesterday, I said I wouldn’t draft him until around pick 150.  I may have been optimistic there.  Probably would wait another 50 picks and hope we saw him for about 80 games this year.

Anthony Rizzo – Optioned to the minors.  Will probably see him back in June.  Until then, Rizzo will be tearing up Triple-A and making prank calls, jerky.

Logan Morrison – May not be ready for Opening Day.  He said, “I think the knee is going to tell me.  The knee is going to tell everyone. I can’t tell it what to do.”  Reading this reminded me of when the ref would lift Hulk Hogan’s arm twice, then Hogan waved a finger up the final time like his finger had a mind of its own.  Let’s pray Morrison’s knee waves to the crowd the third time it’s raised.  I’m having serious concerns though, and I wouldn’t draft him at this point unless he fell at least four rounds.  It’s way too early in the year for this much concern about a surgically-repaired knee.

Bud Norris – Left Friday’s game with tightness in his triceps.  He was on Rudy’s risky pitchers for 2012 fantasy baseball list.  The only player on the Astros with more sliders in their diet is Carlos Lee.

Travis Snider – Optioned to the minors, and Eric Thames will play left field.  I gave Thames some nice projections over at the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, saying something like he has power upside.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Doug Fister – Left Friday’s game with a sore middle finger.  Fister has a sore middle finger?  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Yup, probably tendinitis.

Ted Lilly – Has neck stiffness.  Maybe he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.  Will probably miss at least one start, wouldn’t be surprised if he missed two or three starts.

Mike Morse – Might make it back for Opening Day after all, even after his platelet rich plasma injection, which sounds like a procedure a real housewife of Beverly Hills would get.

Matt Bush – Arrested for DUI after hitting a 72-year-old motorcyclist.  The motorcyclist’s 95-year-old mother responded, “I told you motorcycles are dangerous.”

Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees.  I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you.  In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him.  He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement.  What this does show us:  Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond…  “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.”  Yeah, right.  Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL.  I’m saying he will start the year on the DL.  The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.

Kendrys Morales – Felt no pain as he hit against minor leaguers.  Sounds like he should be good to go when the Angels face the Orioles.

Carl Crawford – Started to swing a bat again.  He’s still starting the year on the DL, but this is encouraging.  I actually love when good news comes out about a guy I want someone else to draft.

Jeff Samardzija – Sveum says Samardzija is all but a lock for the rotation.  Obviously strange S last names have to stick together.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t mess with Samardzija.  Too many walks.

Matt Thornton – Robin Ventura said that Thornton and Crain are the best candidates for the closer job.  No surprise here, and it will be less surprising when Thornton gets the closer job, then loses it some time in July when hitters start catching up to Thornton’s melons.

Placido Polanco – Left a game on Saturday with a jammed finger.  Phillies then turned to reserves.  You’d think a jammed finger would turn one to preserves.  That joke setup felt longer than Tree of Life.

Logan Morrison – He’s experiencing swelling in his surgically-repaired knee.  Not great news at all.  He’s saying he should be good for Opening Day, but I’m not crazy about the thought of a guy who is having swelling the day after he plays in March.  If I’ve drafted him already on teams, I’m gonna make due, but I’ll probably not be reaching too high for him in future drafts.  The more guys I can avoid with minor injuries already, the better the sheen on my mustache.

Giancarlo Stanton – Will sit out a week with inflammation in his left knee.  Is knee swelling contagious?  I swear to the deity of your choice if I find out Logan Morrison contaminated Giancarlo’s gam, there will be a price to pay that includes, but is not limited to forever damnation.  Giancarlo should still be ready for the start of the season.  Bee tee dubya, I’m liking the name change to Giancarlo.  He sounds like a European playboy, race car driver.

Carlos Quentin – Out for 6 weeks because of knee surgery.  I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the actual surgery will take that long.  Probably some rehab involved in those 6 weeks.  Twelve after twenty is the year major league baseball took a knee.  How’s that for pithy?!  Full of pith that Grey Albright.  Am I right or am I right-right?

Bryce Harper – The Nats beat their projected ticket sales for April so they optioned Harper to Triple-A.  Imagine Harper will be back some time in July, and no hell below us.  It’s easy if you try…

Francisco Liriano – Pitched a near no-no vs. the Pirates.  I’d like to punch him in his no-no area like the dwarf in Project X for what Liriano did to me last year.

Brandon Guyer – Was sent down by the Rays.  He went 14/16 last year in 107 Triple-A games, and, because of his age, he’s ready to go in the majors.  First sign of injury, Guyer will return and be worth rostering in most mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth stashing him on the bench.  Maybe we can convince the Rasmus Girl to do a “Guyer, let’s go” video.

Stephen Drew – Not only will he start the year on the DL, but the Diamondbacks are saying he won’t be back until May.  So let’s see what we have, Drew who hasn’t really ever been great, hasn’t played in almost a year and his timetable keeps getting delayed.  At this point, I wouldn’t draft him with your team.  The Honorable Willie Bloomquist will now be presiding in his place.

Shaun Marcum – Beginning to look like Marcum might not be ready to go for the start of the season, but it looks like he might only miss a start or two.  I would still draft him and not move him down ranking sheets.  By as early as May, you won’t even remember Marcum missed one start at the beginning of the season… Unless you get hit by a foul ball at the Brewers opener, go into a coma for a month and wake up in early May.

Joakim Soria – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness.  You’ve got to Joakim me?  Soria’s been lit up so far this spring and now there’s elbow soreness.  Then, after the game, he said he’s worried.  Yeah, I am too.  As late as Saturday, I thought Soria was in line for a bounce back, but then again I was drunk.  You would think Soria’s broken eggs would brighten up any Holland days, but Broxton and his huge ass could block him out.  Right now, I’d draft them all if you’re desperate for saves.  I think if the Royals have any sense in their head, they’ll go Holland first and, if you have only room for one, I’d go that way too.  Hopefully, Holland doesn’t have to go Dutch with the save opportunities.

Freddy Sanchez – Hurty Sanchez is doubtful for Opening Day.  Could mean more time for Mike Fontenot or Ryan Theriot.  Can someone please buy a hard T sound for them?

Chien-Ming Wang – Strained his hamstring and won’t be ready for Opening Day.  That’s a real shame because the Nats invested in that giant bullpen zipper for Wang to come out of.

David Wright – Won’t resume baseball activities, which includes but is not limited to scratching himself and spitting, until the middle to end of next week.  Member when the Mets were competing with the Yankees to be the team of New York?  Had Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan… The world their oyster, and they turned mollusks to bollocks.

Since our last Closer Look, we’ve had some comings and goings.  One coming was Pestano, who last year said Eataly should give out free pizza toppings if you’re wearing Crocs.  With Chris Perez going down for 4 to 6 weeks with the ever-mysterious oblique injury, Pestano should see some saves into the beginning of the year.  Double negatives aside, I wouldn’t not draft Perez.  He should resume the closer job once he returns because the Indians are committed to him, in the same way Courtney Love should be committed.  Another coming was Brett Myers, who will take over the Astros closing job.  If you grab Myers at a draft, you’re gonna get beat up.  Not speaking metaphorically.  If you draft Myers, you should be fine for 25ish saves.  Another bit of closer news pertains to Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour.  The A’s are saying Fuentes and Balfour are both up for the closer job.  Balfour is the better option, but clubs don’t always go with the best option.  (Actually, the best option would be Faustino De Los Santos, but he’s not going to be the closer right out of the gate.)  I’d draft Fuentes and Balfour (and FDLS in very deep leagues, an acronym that sounds like a dyslexic branch of Latter-Day Saints).  Finally, Javy Guerra was announced the closer to start the season by Don Mattingly, who lost all common sense once he shaved his mustache, which is not a coincidence.  Guerra could be the closer for the whole season while having one of the best middle men behind him, kind of how Marmol used to work that role.  Or Guerra could blow three saves in April and Jansen will be the closer by April 20th.  I think there’s a 50/50 chance either scenario happens.  I’d draft both.  If Jansen goes to the bullpen, maybe the free time will allow Kenley an opportunity to think about designing with something other than polka dots and prove she deserved to be a Project Runway All-Star (hey, four girl readers, who loves you?).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Jason Motte (+1) (Eduardo Sanchez)
15. Huston Street (+1) (Luke Gregerson)
16. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
17. Sergio Santos (+1) (Francisco Cordero)
18. Jordan Walden (+1) (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
19. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Javy Guerra (-6) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Jim Johnson (+1)(Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
27. Brett Myers (+3) (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
28. Matt Capps (Glen Perkins, Alex Burnett)
29. Grant Balfour/Brian Fuentes (Joey Devine, Faustino De Los Santos)
30. Vinnie Pestano (-4) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Chief Wahoo)