I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.” I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow. Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher. I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama. I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know. FACT: He’s never had control. NOT FACT: Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit. FACT: His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky. NOT FACT: He can leave more runners on than other pitchers. FACT: His career walk rate is 4.39. NOT FACT: This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate. FACT: He pitches in the AL East. NOT FACT: He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute. FACT: He’s injury prone. NOT FACT: Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this. Maybe just for the halibut.” FACT: He’s at the peak of his value. NOT FACT: He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer. Two things I don’t agree with there. First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer. Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.
Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago? Yup.
Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues. I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues. I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues. But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save. I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.
David Robertson – I went over him this morning. Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.
Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season. At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.
Jason Vargas – Marginer!
Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken. His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things. Think Kuroda when he was in LA.
Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon. I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!” Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon? It’s so innocuous. And it has Ks.
Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish. He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now. On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear. Someone make that happen. Thank you.
Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)
Alcides Escobar – WHO! (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)
Josh Reddick – WHO! (Who let the dogs out?)
Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him. And that’s not saying anything. That’s like the opposite of saying something. It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.
Allen Craig – Know why he’s here? Because of this: Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”
Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy. If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories. You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!
Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice? I’m in your head now. Hey, what’s this thing do? Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata. I’ll leave your head now. Sorry.
Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson. On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters. On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.
Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you. Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.
SELL
Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black! And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone! And he has a butterfly named after him! The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him! Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year. He was struggling in the minors. Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now. His value because of hype is way above that. I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options. (Don’t sell in keepers. I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)
Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.
Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.
Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them. Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks. Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess! I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before. I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.” Wha’ happened? Did someone poison the bullpen water? Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers? There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.” To recap this month in closing quickly: Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop? Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level. Got all of that? Yeah, I’m not sure I did either. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen) 2. John Axford(Francisco Rodriguez) 3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns. 5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner) 6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom) 7. Joel Hanrahan(+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli) 8. J.J. Putz(-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw) 9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs) 10.Jose Valverde(-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers) 12. Brandon League(+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen) 13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee) 14. Grant Balfour(+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers(+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon) 16. Joe Nathan(+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando) 17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. Sean Marshall(+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt) 20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton) 22. Jonathan Broxton(+6) (Aaron Crow) 23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge) 24. Frank Francisco(-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez) 25. Alfredo Aceves(-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard) 26. Carlos Marmol(-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood) 27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica) 28.Scott Downs(-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins) 29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago(-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain) 30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)
Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend. When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale. When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end. Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!” With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed. There’s no more minor leagues. In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche. Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running? Wait, is he over the age of twelve? Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?). (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House): In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants. (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.) I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit. The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.” In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.” “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?” “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played. A great time to be alive.”) Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything. Whatevs, I like him better for this year. I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies. Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there. There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs. Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25. Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos. That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic excitement. As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing. But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues. He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July. There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him. He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that. I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save. If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders. Here’s a scenario: Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly. In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season. Another scenario: Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week. More succinctly, you need to hold both guys. Even more succinctly, hold both. Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.
Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout. Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout. Later, schmohawk! Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal! Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”
Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month. Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.
Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Easily his worst start of the year. Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done. Hehe. That’s punny!
Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates. Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team. He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.
Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs. BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square. Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce. Think I forgot to carry a U.
Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros. Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him. Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97). I still want to remain patient with him. He will get better.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees. The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23. Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition. Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.” His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.
David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation. A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever. Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate. Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees. Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.
Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs. Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday. The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs. I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks. I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal. No lie. It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal. It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run. Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run? Yeah, probably. Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again. I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue. What, it’s the strongest muscle!
Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER. Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.
Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year. Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base. I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.
Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early? Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings. Wow. It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs. I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.
Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday. My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April. Not too shabby. Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer. We shall see. Or not! Your choice.
Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox. But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup! Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters. Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.
Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda. Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.
Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday. I’m really happy for all his owners. I’m not bitter at all. I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August. The RZ: Brand new from Toyota. Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.
Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend. Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest. I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest. Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.
Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. What’s this the longest post ever? Maronna mia! Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano. Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.
Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s pitching above his head right now. Well, he’s not a sidearmer. Cute, Random Italicized Voice. I mean, he can’t keep this up. That’s what she said! What? Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal. You know who Parra is playing like right now? A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.
Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen. “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?” “Why, we got Collmenter now.” That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend. Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters. The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs. BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich. Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”
Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals. Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs. Cust killin’ myself.
Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets. Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save. I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup. Overload! Overload! Red alert! Let me off the closerousel!
Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago. Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.
Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.
Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks. You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.
Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling. I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week). All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.
Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s. That’ll fix the A’s! Goodbye, cellar! There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.
Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery. At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery? It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either. Get the surgery and you’re just good. The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world. Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures. Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners. Seattle has great herring.”
Can you get him for cheaper than he’s worth? Is panic mode setting in for his owner? Is he walking around muttering Effjols? When you look into the eyes of your opponent who owns Albert Pujols, what do you see? Do you see someone who is hiding tears, pretending they just came out of Subway and the godforsaken onion smell that you need to walk on the other side of the street to avoid has caused them to cry? Or do you see someone steeled in their resolve? If it’s the former and former is the first one, you pounce like a feral cat that you’re allergic to. A feral, I-used-to-be-tame-but-now-I’m-gonna-scratch-your-eyes-out-and-put-them-on-a-kebab-and-serve-them-with-tabouli cat! There’s no way Pujols just ups and leaves Fantasy Worthiness Land, unless the Angels accidentally signed Alburt Pujols, Albert’s evil, mustachioed brother who the Pujols family disowned 30 years ago and has been plotting his revenge ever since. (Albert) Pujols has 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs, .300 average for breakfast and then says he has room for dessert. Who has dessert with breakfast?! Albert Pujols does. You don’t trade that away for pennies on the dollar, but you do prey on the weak and buy that. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Tony Campana – Campana is so steals-crazy he’s like the jittery, smoking guy who asks you where the bathroom is in a bad part of town and you instinctively hold your backpocket to make sure he doesn’t rob your wallet. That’s Tony Campana.
Luke Scott – The “Luke Scott has cooled off!” and “No, he hasn’t!” camps have moved further apart than Israel and Palestine. Right now, I’m in the “No, he hasn’t!” camp, but if the U.S. sends in a healthy Nolan Reimold, I may be swayed to flip sides.
Gerardo Parra – Almost hate promoting Parra because it means no Krispie. Member that fine brother who left his face in the Chase Field wall like Han Solo in carbon? Miss you, Krispie! Parra is a decent, not great, five category guy.
Brennan Boesch – For a while there, Boesch looked like cold soup, which is seriously nasty. Has anyone ever had cold soup that’s tasted good? I feel like you need to be an old Russian woman to like it. Anyway, Boesch is in a great spot in the lineup and now hitting.
Stephen Drew – Wondering who the next guy is that you stash on your DL and then drop him once you have to activate him? Here ya go!
Alcides Escobar – Here’s another guy I’ve be on for about two years and finally it’s looking like it might make a modicum of sense. He has nice speed and he’s actually hitting. Like peas and carrots, those two.
Bryan LaHair – Sure, you kinda want to call him B. Bryan LaHair, and don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love at first. Can I be with LaHair just one night? Nah, but I could wear him outside like a suit made of cheddarwurst. Did that rhyme? I’m not sure it matters.
Francisco Cordero – Santos isn’t returning for at least a month with shoulder issues. My best guess is Cordero saves more games than Santos this year. Actually, that’s not my best guess, but my most realistic guess. My best guess would be Lichtenstein. But that’s my best guess for every question. Why don’t they let me on Jeopardy?
Santiago Casilla – Not sure why he’s still owned in less than 50% of leagues (usually my cutoff), but he is. Wilson’s out for the year; Casilla will get saves. Don’t make me hack your fantasy account and add him!
Matt Thornton – Look up chilly in the dictionary and you find Santiago. Pun point! Could Reed be next? Could be… Well, could be a few guys, but my money’s on Thornton.
Ross Detwiler – Prior to the 2007 draft, he was considered the 2nd best lefty behind only Price. Shizz got derailed, or Detwilered. At one point, he had a 9+ K-rate and solid control. He might be a really late-bloomer. I’d prefer that than a guy that has never been anything, but had one great game *cough* Humber *cough*.
Tommy Milone - His last start was like someone playing Scramble on their iPhone. Amazing! Incredible! Genius! Wanna look behind the curtain at how I put together these Buy/Sells? Come with me, attractive-to-your-mother friend! I usually look at the most added and dropped players in ESPN, but I saw Milone wasn’t there, so I figured he was owned in so many leagues that he wasn’t applicable. But then I got thinking — hey, sometimes thinking happens. So I Googled Milone’s name to see how much he’s owned. He’s owned in 5% of leagues. (For reference point, Ryan Madson is owned in 12% of leagues; yes, the Ryan Madson that isn’t playing for 12 months.) So it wasn’t that Milone was owned, it was that he wasn’t being added. He has a 0.85 WHIP in 27 innings. If you have a middle reliever for ratio help, the best middle reliever may not have a 0.85 WHIP through 27 innings, and it would take until June to get that many innings. You might be saying to yourself, “Well, a lot of good this info does me now after he’s already thrown those innings.” A) Before his first start on April 6th, I said to Buy him. B) Going forward, I still like him for ratio help. C) Seriously, what more do you need? You’re bleeding me dry of fantasy baseball ‘pertness!
Jason Hammel – As mentioned the other day, he gets the Bronx jeers in his next start, but you should own him.
Trevor Bauer – He’s on his way. Eventually. How do I know? I read it on Twitter along with something Ashton Kutcher’s assistant wrote anonymously. If you have room on your team, move the mattress you saturated in cat urine to hide the weed smell and stash Bauer.
Jarrod Parker – Parker’s no poseur you indie, black-rimmed glasses kid, but if you grab him, because of his jersey, you can tell your friends you’re going green. Even pick him up using your iPhone while driving your Prius and not paying attention to the road so you run over a pedestrian.
SELL
Ike Davis – How about those fences coming in, huh? Good ol’ Metco! You know when I’ll be excited by Mets hitters? When they move the fences behind home plate. I don’t mean the fences that are behind there already. I mean, moving the outfield fences to the other side of home. Bunt homers! That’s what I’m looking for. Davis’s own manager sold him down the river when a lefty came out of the bullpen, pinch hitting for him. In shallower leagues, make like Tina and drop Ike. In deeper ones, I’d probably shove him to my bench with Adam Dunn or whatever schmohawk you’re fatally attached to.
Mark Reynolds – I was trying to hold out hope for Mini Donkey but he looks like he’s headed for a Big Donkey circa 2011 season. A slump for a guy that strikes out nine out of five times to the plate is death. What’s that smell in here? “Grey’s cleaning out some mold that was forming in my fridge! I’ll be up in a second to clip your toenails!” That’s you talking to your Mom.
Gaby Sanchez – “My Mom’s busting my chops and Yo Gaby Gaby was in the last Sell column! Get to the good ones!” Okay, moving on.
Derek Jeter – You know who’s smiling right now? Minka. Let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” I have nothing against Jeter. Maybe he’s going all Zombino and eating the hearts of pitchers all year. Though I seriously doubt that. Do you remember how low he was going in drafts this year? Do you remember why? Because he’s been The Sexiest Man Alive That Can’t Hit 12 Homers Or Steal 20 Bases. Is he hot garbage? Did you just dump a fresh off a hot plate Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity into the trash? No? Then he’s not hot garbage. He should hit around .300 and get around 10-ish homers and steals. Yippee! Whooooooo cares? I’ll take Altuve and see Jeter on the other side of I still don’t care. His name value is so much more valuable than actual value. I wouldn’t trade him for a five DVD set of Step By Step’s third season, but I’d explore options.
Grey and Rudy are letting me run a team for Razzball, and I’m totally pumped about it. See, this is my first venture into the realm of expert leagues or writer’s leagues or whatever the hell you wanna call them and the pressure on a rookie like me is enormous. Grey told me I can only cover White Sox prospects if I don’t finish in the top eight. I feel like Andrew Luck or something… probably bigger than that, actually. Anyway. The auction happened a couple Thursdays ago and my strategy was simple: don’t look stupid. I’m not quite sure if I’ve succeeded in that regard. You tell me. Click here to see the complete auction results.
My goal was to stay on budget. I targeted a $180/$80 split between hitting and pitching and I ended up at $183/$77. Not bad. I also wanted to make sure I had some dough left near the end in order to ensure I could buy a few of my favorite sleepers for $2 or $3. This plan backfired. Not that I didn’t have money near the end – I had plenty – but rather, there was literally no one left who I wanted for two bucks. That’s the reason you see purchases like Phil Hughes for $3 and Vance Worley for $2. Spend it if you got it, right? Hell yeah I’ll bid you up on an injured Mike Carp – I still have twelve bucks left to spend on three negative-value players. No point in leaving dollars out there.
Favorite Buys
I was pleased to get Braun at $43, especially when six guys – Tulo ($49), Miggy ($49), Kemp ($46), Bautista ($46), Pujols ($45), Cano ($44) – went for more. I thought I got great value across my entire outfield, actually. Beltran is a health risk, sure, but I’ll take on that risk for $7 – upside is worth twice that, at least. I also love the flexibility Daniel Murphy provides in a deep CI/MI league like this. I’ll take him for four bucks any day.
Least Favorite Buys
Ted Lilly and Mike Carp are on the DL and I spent a combined $7 on the two. The league has five DL slots, so this isn’t a killer, but I’m certainly not thrilled. I knew Lilly was having issues when I bought him, but I was hopeful he wouldn’t end up on the DL. I’m also growing increasingly skeptical on Volquez. He was one of those I’ve-got-a-lot-of-money-left-so-I-might-as-well-pay-for-the-upside guys near the end of the auction.
Most Important Thing To Note
This is just the beginning. Drafting is certainly the most exciting component of the fantasy baseball season, but it’s not the most important. Any winning team I’ve had in the past has been based on in-season management. I enjoy the grind of the baseball season and I’m sure that by mid-season my team will look quite different from how it appears at this moment. Of course, I’ve never been up against such a knowledgeable group of competitors. I’m looking forward to see how my skills stack up. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.
