Fantasy Baseball Advice

As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits.  “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.”  Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.  A-Rod’s favorite hand?  Jacks over Queens.  If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror.  A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to make love to me.”  Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him.  Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face.  Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself.  Favorite part, “This is no bluff.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks.  Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”

Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd.  “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail.  Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit.  Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far.  It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs.  With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, whoop dee doo, Grey!  Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal.  Well, la di da!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs.  When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time.  When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time.  If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail.  Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!

Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s.  If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings.  Um, not so good.  He gets the Jays next time out.  That’s not so good either.  Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.

Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers.  It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back.  Truth.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day.  I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career.  He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less.  In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games.  He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20.  He has little to no speed.  Stephen also gave him some love recently.  He wrote it while popping a bubble.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.

Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Say uncle, Floyd.

Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game**  5 IP, 4 ER.  **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games.  I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint.  He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals.  He’s capable of 15 steals in a month.  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available.  May you stay, Eric Young.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal.  You know the drill.  It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals.  When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!

Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza.  Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer.  If you want, leave your password in the comments.  I’ll take it from there.

Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  Stairs can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.”  Fairly well, Stairs.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run.  But what about Ryan Ludwick?!

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293.  Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers.  Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario?  It’s not me.  It’s definitely not Mike Napoli.  Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer.  He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah!  Here.  Yesterday.  (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.)  Now use your finger and scroll down.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers.  I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.”  Fister, you make me punchy.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings.  Or he should’ve said that.  Tomato, tomahto.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average.  Napoli’s hitting .293.

Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby.  I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.

Carl Crawford left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder.  He first felt discomfort on Wednesday.  In the locker room, here’s how Carl explained it, “You don’t want to feel that pain like that…  I’ve never really had nothing like that before… It locked up real bad.”  Now this sounds terrible, right?  Okay, here’s how Crawford finished, “I think it should be a day-to-day thing.”  Wait, what?  You don’t want to feel pain like that… It locked up real bad… It’s fine.  Oh, okay.  This sounds like when my grandmother would talk about how she can’t see or walk, then she’d go play mah jong.  You don’t need to see, the tiles’ engravings are raised. Guess we’ll have to take Crawford’s word for it that this is a minor injury and he’ll only miss a day or two.  In the meantime, the Rays called on Joyce to sow Carl’s oats.  Matt Joyce had a line of .316/.460/.556 in the minors this year with two homers in the last week.  Last year, he had 16 homers and 14 steals in Triple-A.  He’d be a very interesting name if the Rays weren’t so stacked.  There’s really no way he gets every day ABs unless Crawford goes to the DL.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth the flyer, but elsewhere I’d wait to see how often he plays.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into today’s roundup, frequent commenter and all-around Razzthusiast, Chase, wanted to share something.  Chase, “Two years ago one of my best friends, Joey Rippel, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  At one point he had a tumor that covered half of his chest.  Luckily, he recovered after months of chemotherapy.  Joey founded a non-profit organization called, The Rippel Effect, to help those like himself.  The website is The Rippel Effect and it would be appreciated if you were to check it out and help any way you can.”  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

B.J. Upton – Hit his 7th homer yesterday and has 23 steals on the year while batting .231.  In a non-scientific poll I conducted with myself, I get more questions about selling B.J. low than any other player.  Grab Aviles for your junky MI spot and together you’d have a .267 average.  Not to mention, Upton can raise his average before the year’s over.  No one seems to hate Andre Ethier and he has 1 steal.  1 steal and a .231 average are equally bad.  Why is it that people hate low average guys?  It’s one category.  There should be a glossary term for this myopic view of average.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Best start for him in over a month and a nice bounce back from his last wet noodle start.

Mike Lowell – Heads to the DL.  The only Lowell in Massachusetts this year is still 40 minutes NE of Boston.

Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-5, 4 Runs, 5 RBIs, 3 homers.  Struck Coors Extra Gold as Massholes everywhere reached for Sammy A.

Huston Street – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam, but by the time Tracy names him the closer he’s going to be injured again.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 with a steal, after revealing that he sat out on Wednesday with a tight hamstring.  I’m waiting for this trade deadline deal… We have breaking news today out of Texas.  In a move that could very well push them over the top in this year’s pennant chase, the Rangers purchased 8 hamstrings.  The hamstrings are said to be in near-mint condition and will be distributed to Cruz, Kinsler, Hamilton and Vlad.  Going the other way in the trade, Matt Treanor.  When the guy who sold the hamstrings was asked about what he was going to do with Matt Treanor.  He said, “Sell him for parts.”

Will Venable – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Was actually going to pick him up for yesterday’s short schedule day, but didn’t.  Sonavawaivers!

Everth Cabrera – In a deep league, I got excited that EverCab’s coming off the DL today because I need steals, then about 17 seconds later I remembered it’s EverCab.  He’s the Chinese food of middle infielders.

Jesus Feliciano – 3-for-5 with 2 Runs as Jesus filled in for Angel.  By Saturday, the Pope will be out in center.

Carlos Beltran – The Mets crack me up.  Beltran has been out since like 1964 with this knee injury.  Today, the Mets said Beltran could be activated by this Monday.  How do you go from not playing for over a year to only rehabbing for four days?  Meet the Mets, same as the old mess.

Armando Benitez – But no one can beat the Marlins when it comes to wacky organizations.  The Marlins signed Armando Benitez, who hasn’t pitched since 2008.  Is this like when Nomar signed a one day deal with the Red Sox so he could retire or is this serious?

Jason Castro – 2-or-3 and his first home run.  Let the questions commence about whether you should own Napoli, Suzuki, Santana, Posey, Buck or Castro.

Felipe Paulino – To the 15-day DL with shoulder tendinitis.  Why couldn’t the tendinitis gods take Brian Moehler?  Wait, this will mean a rotation spot for Bud Norris.  Paulino who?  Norris is basically the same pitcher.  Wild, poor run support and great Ks.  NL-Only leagues should grab Norris.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say it’s nice to see the old Wandwagon back on the tracks, but last year he would’ve K’d 8 guys, not 3.

Austin Jackson – 0-for-4.  His average has dropped 75 points in the last month.  Where’s all the people who were saying they were naming their firstborn Jackson and moving to Austin when I was saying to sell him?  These people always disappear.

Brandon Morrow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could say he’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie.  If I said he was in a Buy/Sell in May, that would be true.  Owned in only 12% of ESPN leagues, which is baffling.  Unless you play in a 4×4 league, there’s no reason a guy who has 92 Ks in 84 innings should be on waivers.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  I point out a lot of correct calls I make, so it’s only fair I mention that I figured Wells would’ve went back to oblivion or the DL about a month ago.  Can’t figure out those 1927 Blue Jays.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  I’m not saying he’s going to do this, but if he hits 7 homers in the next two weeks, which he can, you’ll be glad you were patient with him.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Sticking with the struggling Adam theme…. Well, actually, this Adam is no longer struggling.  He’s hitting almost .450 over the last week with 3 homers.  Could still easily reach preseason projections of 27/15.

Matt Cain – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Just rip that ERA Band-Aid off and expose your scabby FIP.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  As usual, I wish I owned him.  YoGa, why do you stress me out?

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer and his 29th RBI.  He now trails Jose Reyes by only one RBI.  Fielder’s HR to RBI ratio is almost as obscene as Marmol’s K to IP ratio.  Only Fielder’s is the bad kind of obscene.  There is a good kind of obscene, right?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell even if I have to push lip grooming until after it’s written.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As I watched this game, I got the feeling that even if F-Her pitched for 15 innings he wouldn’t get the win.  Dismantle the Mariners March 15-30th dynasty!

Ryan Howard – 0-for-3 as the Phillies scored twelve runs.  Ticker tease!

Matt Stairs – This has no bearing on anything, but gave me a chuckle.  Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  He can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.

Let’s see, winner of the All-Star game gets home field advantage… The WBC… Open the season in another country… Steroids testing after letting the world believe Bret Boone was good… Finally, interleague play.  Selig, hang your legacy right next to the monkey carcass that helped spread the AIDS virus.  Well, interleague is here whether we like it or not.  I don’t, but this is only partially about me.  So what can we do about interleague play for fantasy baseball?

Play fringe AL Starters.  This is more for H2H leagues than roto, but you might be able to grab some value in roto leagues too.  During interleague play, the AL has an advantage.  They carry a guy who actually hits in the DL slot.  They don’t need to dust off the half-dead pinch hitter who sucks (Hey, Hinske, no offense, all right?).  So Buehrle vs. the Pirates is quite tasty.  Slowey, Perkins and Baker vs. the Brewers?  *Grey shrugs* Why not?  Even Washburn vs. the Giants has some appeal.  Actually, whoever the Mariners throw against the Giants is worth a spot start.

Then there’s the NL hitters that might actually play thanks to Selig’s hairbrained interleague shenanigans.  Hey, Mat Gamel, wanna actually play now that we’ve called you up?  Okie-dokie.  Ian Stewart, you should be playing every day, and now you can.  What’s up, Hinske?  Actually, you still suck.   Sheffield may have some appeal, especially since he should be familiar with the pitchers he’ll be facing.  Though I’m not sure how familiar anyone can be with Tim Wakefield.  Matt Stairs is actually a DH already, only he DHs once a game rather than four times.  The Red Sox might think about implementing that with Ortiz.

Yes, Magic Johnson recovered from AIDS faster than Casey Kotchman beat the kissing disease. Yes, his name sounds like he should be some superhero’s little buddy. No, I don’t have him on any team. So why am I recommending you get him for your fantasy baseball team? Because he knows how to walk. Exciting, right? In six years of the minors his OBP was .407. Last year on the Angels, he had 53 walks against 43 strikeouts. He’s not going to hit 40 home runs. Probably won’t come close to 30 home runs. Back in January, I predicted Casey’s numbers would be 80/22/80/.300 for the season. I’d say those numbers still look about right. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell.

BUY

Robinson Cano – Supposedly the loss of Larry Bowa is what has been bothering him. Yeah, and Oswald acted alone. Bowa’s family doesn’t even miss him that much. Cano will be fine, go get him before he puts together a hot streak.

Carlos Quentin – I’ve told you three times to pick him up, but I don’t feel the love. Go get him then return to tell me about how you dropped Sheffield for him. I’ll smile. What, you don’t want me to smile?

Khalil Greene - He’s a lifetime .250 hitter so I’m not sure what you’re expecting. Oh, home runs! Yeah, he’ll start hitting them. Patience, as Axl Rose would say.

Travis Hafner – I’m a bit concerned about the lack of walks, and even more concerned about the sore shoulder, but I’d still trade for him. He’s had ten home run months before and can do it again.

Paul Konerko – As I recently told you, he was dropped in my ‘pert league. I put in a waiver claim, but came up empty. He was snagged by someone else. If he’s going to reach his career norms, which I think he will, that’s a lot of hitting he’s going to do the rest of the way.

Erick Aybar – You like cheap speed from your middle infielders? Oh, and he has four Ks in 60 at-bats. I likey.

Shane Victorino – Sure the injury is a concern, but he’s still capable of good numbers and he’s about to come back. He bumps Werth to right giving them two outfielders. (Pat the Bat fields as well as Dunn, which is to say they’re DHs in two years.)

Jose Guillen – This is not to say he’s going to have some sort of incredible rest of the season, but he won’t be as bad as he’s been.

Dioner Navarro – Okay, for all of you people still dealing with a hole at catcher, go grab Navarro. His numbers post-All-Star break last year were 30/8/31/.285/2. He’s only 24. Again, those are post-All-Star break numbers.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Melhouse was injured yesterday. I’ve picked Salty up in two leagues. He’ll still have Laird in front of him, but if you really need a catcher, stranger things have happened than Salty getting playing time — one stranger thing was him getting shipped to the minors. To give you an idea of who I’m dropping for him, Qualls in a 12 team and Brocail in a fifteen.

Matt Stairs – Rudy once called Stairs a Poor Man’s Giambi. That was true once, but now Giambi’s actually a Poor Man’s Stairs. Weird, right?

Felipe Lopez – Simply because he didn’t break camp with a starting job doesn’t mean he doesn’t have value now. He’ll need to continue to stay hot to stave off Belliard, but he can go it. It’s not like Belliard has that much going for him.

Clint Barmes – Speaking of shortstops who became 2nd basemen who were then written off, he’s not as good as his last week of starts, but batting high in the Rockies order can’t hurt. But, as we know, deer meat can hurt.

SELL

Brandon Phillips – See this morning’s post. Or not. I’ll sleep okay. I wear a sleep mask.

Gary Sheffield – He’s like the baseball equivalent of Rowdy Roddy Piper. You don’t want to like him, but you can’t help yourself. Personally, I love Sheff. He’s a jackass — an egotistical jackass — maniacal even. What’s not to love? Sheffield this year. I know it hurts, but you gotta let him go.

Francisco Liriano – In all but deep leagues and keepers, you’re not selling as much as dropping.

Jorge Cantu – If someone actually believes the resurgence in Florida, I’d sell.

Asdrubal Cabrera – As if having a first name that sounds like a leaky bum isn’t enough, he’s been sitting for Jamey Carroll. Watch to see if Josh Barfield gets the call at 2nd.

Eric Hinske – He goes and gets hot and the club grabs Dan Johnson and Gabe Gross. Here’s mud in your eye, Hinske.

Alfonso Soriano – Not selling sell him for Manny Acosta, but Soriano’s recurring injuries spell trouble. Not to mention, he’s probably older than Tejada.

Jose Lopez – He’s really not that good when he’s playing well, which he is right now.

Kevin Youkilis – He’s not really as good as his April numbers would suggest. If you have a Son of Sam Horn in your league, trade Yooooook.

Daniel Cabrera – Really I could’ve easily put him on the Buy list; that’s the problem with Cabrera. Every time he turns a corner, he turns another corner and he’s right back where he started. If he just turned a corner and stayed there, he’d be incredible.

He almost lost the job last April. If you can find an owner willing to trade you Troy Tulowitzki for Jeter or Torii Hunter or Carlos Guillen, I’d do it.  I think the Polish have a rite of passion that they have to wear socks with their flip-flops for at least ten years of their life. I had a Polish friend growing up that would delivery newspapers in flip-flops and socks. You know what flip-flops and socks does for you? Makes you look ridiculous, so you know when you’re working it’s not a fashion show. It’s work, dammit. Tulowitzki probably hits the treadmill in flip-flops and socks. Cause baseball is work, dammit. And Tulo takes it seriously. I believe Tulo was genuinely upset with his slump. Do I think he’s out of the woods completely? Nah, probably not. But by the end of May, this slump will be a distant memory. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Matt Diaz – (using my big boy voice) Another home run! (using my little boy voice) Against a lefty.

Matt Stairs – Staying with the Matt theme, he can hit 25 home runs.

Alexis Rios – Two days off with the flu. *writing on pink construction paper* Get well soon, Alexis! (Hopefully he wasn’t kissing Casey “I Had the Kissing Disease for Two Years” Kotchman.)

Edwin Encarnacion – Supposedly he’s only owned in 50% of ESPN leagues. So if I can infer something from that, 50% of ESPN’ers draft their team then abandon them. Another reason why you shouldn’t join a random ESPN league. Maybe ESPN shouldn’t be broadcasting these things. Then again they have given Chris Berman a platform for 30 years, so they’ve obviously made some missteps.

Manny Corpas – Looks like Fuentes will be closing a game by this time next week. I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Corpas, but he needs to get away from the closer job for a little bit, maybe spend some time with his family, volunteer at the local nursing home and remember why he started playing this game in the first place, or whatever closers do when they lose their job. He’s a righty and will be in the mix again soon. Remember before you drop him, there’s still over five months left of the season.

Alberto Callaspo – Ye of a .348 average in 23 at-bats was about to get the start because of Grudzielanek’s back soreness, but the game was rained out. Maybe Callaspo can get someone to Tony Harding Grud’s knee.

Carlos Quentin – Hit another home run. Sure, it was off a tired Moose, but whatever, that shizz counts too.

Josh Hamilton – Has 21 RBIs. I’m admittedly a fan, but before we start giving each other reach arounds, we have to remember he’s a bit of health risk.

Daniel Cabrera – Pitched a solid game. Most impressive thing, zero walks. Then again, he was facing the Mariners.

Krispie Young – 0-for-5 with four Ks. You have to expect this if you have him on a team.

Troy Glaus – He’s looked surprisingly okay. Still wouldn’t touch him. (BTW, LaRussa has now pinch hit Wainwright in two straight games. Looks like someone’s hitting the hooch again. Take away his keys, Duncan.)