If you cheated and looked ahead before reading, shame on you! But, for those who didn’t, I am attaching my cart to Francisco Rodriguez. Not only has he done nothing wrong (which seems impossible for closers nowadays), but looks in no danger of getting the rug ripped out from under him. The team is winning, the bullpen is toight like a tiger, and Jimbo Hendo looks to be doing a swell job as second fiddle. Not only would I marry K-rod right now, he can also fart in my dinner… tonight. (Ed. Note– Protip: I wait until at least the second date before letting farts in my food.) I mean what he is doing is pretty remarkable– most saves in April, EVER. It reminds me of the good times when I played the jug in the band The Dixie Cups. For a barely drafted guy who wasn’t even the teams first choice for saves… and to also be giving your team a saves boost for basically nothing, you should wanna carry his luggage. So keep reading to see what other closer goodies I got for ya… or just skip to the comments and tell me something awesome.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Growing up was tough in the Phillies organization. His older brother, Ryan Howard, got mixed up with the “Three Outcome” gang and couldn’t get out when the homers stopped coming. His moms wanted a better life for Jon Singleton and called up his Pops in Houston to provide a safer home. In a perfect world, Jon wouldn’t have to grow up fast — stay with the minors — but they need a man in the house in Houston and who they have at first base now could only look worse if he had jheri curl. In the last few games, Chris Carter’s DH’d and Marc Krauss has played 1st base. Doesn’t entirely matter, the Astros have to make room for Singleton. Makes no sense to keep him in the minors. Just as it didn’t for Springer, and they called him up. Why do we care? Singleton is in the mold of a young Ryan Howard. He could hit 40 homers right now. In the minors this year, he has 8 homers in 19 games while batting .325. There’s nothing left for him to prove. I’ve already stashed him in one league, and I rarely waste roster spots on rookie stashes. Moo stashes on the other hand, well… I did already give you a Jon Singleton 2014 fantasy, but that was projecting for a June call-up, and I think he could win the landmark case of sooner vs. later, which would tag about six homers on his projected total. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Michael Cuddyer to the DL with his hamstring injury. I love these Monday DL calls right after weekly fantasy lineups lock. Turr…iffic! You don’t care about our fantasy teams at all, Walt Weiss, do you? Last year it was Josh Rutledge, this year it’s Corey Dickerson. I wonder if he holds a secret grudge against fantasy baseball because it never rewarded his defensive prowess while he was playing. “Have you ever thought of adding fielding percentage to your fantasy league?” That was Walt Weiss disguised as a waiter at a Cheesecake Factory waiting on Dan Okrent’s table. Weiss then released bumblebees into Okrent’s suite at The Plaza while he read box scores in his robe. Walt is just bitter because the teacher he had a crush on never gave him the time of day. No, this isn’t the plot of Rushmore; the teacher was Carney Lansford. Ginger ’til he dies! So, with Cuddyer out, this could give Corey Dickerson a chance to show why he should be an everyday outfielder on all mixed league teams. Yesterday, Dickerson had the slam & legs and is capable of more. If you need a fifth outfielder, I’d give him a whirl. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I remember distinctly the day Will Clark retired. I just got home from a Winter Solstice Pageant. I was only 12 years old at the time, but my mustache was already coming in. Earlier that night, when I was singing in the pageant, a mother yelled out from the audience, “Who’s the midget with the mustache?” Then another parent yelled out, “Or is it a dwarf? I always get confused.” Another yelled, “Is that kid 40 years old? I don’t know if I want my kid around that adult.” I didn’t think my day could get worse, then, back at home, I heard that Clark retired. I was still in my autumn leaf costume, sobbing into my Pop Rocks, essentially ruining them. A devastating day all around, but things got better eventually. Soon my friends’ parents wouldn’t call the cops when I was hanging out with their kid, thinking I was a 40-something pervert. One mother even complimented me on my mustache. Maybe this was where my love of Cougars first started. What does this have to do with Wil Myers? Nothing at all. Just like his first two weeks mean nothing. It’s two weeks! Frequent Commenter, Oaktown Steve, asked the other day who would have more value this year, Wil Myers or Carlos Beltran? It’s a totally fair question. In my preseason projections, there’s essentially only 5 steals separating the two. Of course, there is something like 15 years separating them too, and I would say one is moving up and one is moving down due to age. Get a sense a lot of people are looking to bail on Myers already. That would be a mistake. He didn’t just happen to get named one of the top prospects in baseball. He’s crazy talented. He could go off still and be a first round draft pick for next year. Now is the time you buy him on the cheap, not sell him. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into this week’s Buy/Sell, just wanted to announce that Rest of the Season Projections are on-site and everyone’s favorite fantasy baseball dinosaur, Buysellatops. The Buyasellatops is easy to use. When you first get to the page, Sells are listed first. To see Buys, click ROS$ minus STD$. To see Rest of Season projections, click on any player’s name — in this post or anywhere on-site. Finally, with the Rest of Season Projections, it means the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater is now functional and the Rest of the Season Player Rater. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, everyone can give a complete exhale that two save-category standard bearers were not shut down with shoulder problems. Craig Kimbrel and Koji Uehara both threw bullpens yesterday, and are all systems go for the rest of the week.  Not like any of you have them, because we don’t and shouldn’t overpay for saves on draft day.  So if either of these guys fell to ya, good on ya and relax, and stop checking the waiver wire for half a tick.  Kimbrel is the tits, regardless of setbacks, his numbers say so, and you should walk around telling people the such as well.  Kenley is nice, has all the check marks: winning team, K’s, and the large drink to boot.  I just can’t, with good faith, de-commit from Kimbrel unless he actually hits the DL.  So with the sighs of relief I hear, let’s touch on some more of this weeks hap’s and slaps.  Shall we?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“I’ve had a vision so great, as it came to me I wept.”

Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, and last night I witnessed Stephen Strasburg grasping his ankles, shutting his eyelids, gritting his teeth, and receiving the kind of punishment I haven’t seen or thought possible since Tupac verbally accosted the Notorious B.I.G. and his entire crew back in 95. Witnessing this made me think of the film Waterworld. Why you ask? I’m not 100 percent positive, but it’s probably the way superstar, Kevin Costner, was slammed by critics for his dry, mediocre performance in the same fashion I continuously bash Strasburg for his ineptitude on the mound. This brought on a vision of intertwining Strasburg and Waterworld, into another epic fantasy baseball post, and when the vision hit me, I wept tears of joy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As they say in a Jewelery District of any major city, Johnny Cueto pitched a gem. Well, any major city except Detroit. There they call a gem, “Slowly remove it from your finger, and no funny business!” Against the Pirates yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks. Pretty much across the board for Cueto’s career, I haven’t been a fan. His xFIP has always been much worse than his ERA, and his K-rate has never been close to an elite starter. Well, a weird thing happened on the way to his fifth start of the year, he looks like an ace. His xFIP is down to 2.55, his K-rate is 10.50 and his walk rate is 2.40. Those are fantasy ace numbers. Last year through April, he had a 2.80 xFIP, 9.35 K-rate and 3.12 walk rate. Those numbers aren’t that different. Hey, random italicized letters are my shtick. Not right now, Random Italicized Voice. Whoa, snippy! There is one fairly significant difference between Cueto this year and last. About a mile per hour on his fastball. In some instances, his fastball is averaging two extra miles per hour from last April, and he’s cut out his, uh, cutter, and his ground balls have remained. He’s pitching slightly different, slightly better, and, for the first time I can remember, I’m really liking what Cueto is showing. Ain’t that a kick in Jason LaRue’s head? His ERA won’t stay at 1.50, but I also wouldn’t be looking to sell him high. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“What’s it short for?  Ya know, like Rosstopher?”  “Just Ross!”

I had cautious optimism heading into the year for Tyson Ross, and he looked pretty wild early on.  And not the good kind of wild.  No one in San Diego is wearing Wild Thing-Ross T-Shirts.  I caught most of his debut against the Dodgers, and he didn’t look right.  Hitchy delivery, lower velocity, and terrible control.  Since he was fringy anyway, in the one league I owned him (deeper 10-team), I cut him loose for some scrub closer.  I don’t even know who, probably Matt Lindstrom, who at least vultured a win for me yesterday.

Anyway, I saw Ross was bad again in his second effort, racking up 9 walks to only 9 Ks through two games, somehow escaping with a 4.50 ERA because he piled up 6 unearned runs.  Needless to say, I was pretty content to ignore him, but yesterday he turned it around against the offensively-charged Tigers.  Since it’s still early, maybe he had an early mechanical issue that got worked out, and he’s back to picking up where 2013 left off.  So I decided to break down his start, and see if he needs to be scooped off waivers in leagues where he was dropped or undrafted:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ryan Zimmerman should just join a kickball league. His upper stuff doesn’t work right. He’s got a bad case of waist-up-is-not-up-to-snuff-is. He should tent his entire body, because he’s got an infestation of the bad health termites. They lay dormant, living off of bacteria that is produced naturally by your secretions. Then one day you wake up and you dive into the 2nd base bag and break your thumb. The preceding was taken directly from WebMD, I can’t vouch for its accuracy. It’s a thumbpocalypse! So, Zimmerman’s gonna be out for six weeks with a broken thumb. I’d point out that I told you on Friday to sell him, but that’s in poor taste. As would simply pointing and laughing at you. Mostly due to the fact, I don’t know where you are, you don’t return my phone calls! So, put Zimmerman on your DL, and let’s pray his shoulder gets miraculously better in the mean’s while. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“I’m a prince, boy. Have you ever been with a prince? …Take off your clothes.”

No, this isn’t Tehol quoting Tehol, regurgitating the way I speak to my Thai boy handlers when I’m doing  thong shoots in Phuket. Very similar verbiage, but no, this fascinating quote comes from none other than the legendary, Prince Oberyn Martell of Dorne, a man I’m positive you will come to love throughout season four of HBO’s Game of Thrones. Like a supreme vortex, “GOT” has sucked in the entire nation, and it’s well past time it was brought forth into the wondrous world of fantasy baseball. [Ed. Note-- Oh, you mean like here, and here, and, ahem, here? FIRST! Bwahahahah.] Some people say fantasy baseball is the equivalent of D&D for jocks. Well, I for one, want a piece of both worlds! The season four premier was a masterful work of art, as I’m fully reminded as to why I was so entranced by the novels. Let’s have some fun and intertwine some of the premium quotes from the season premier with the annual Delight/Disgrace column. Will you allow me the pleasure of doing this? No? Too late, for I am already balls deep. and I’m on some Geno Auriemma/Charlie Sheen winning type-ish thing. So let us begin. [Warning, Game of Thrones Spoilers ahead!]

Please, blog, may I have some more?