Fantasy Baseball Advice

Mike Pelfrey went from totally chic to totally geek in the matter of 4 starts.  Last night, he dropped a 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER bomb and now he’s staring at nickels.  Pardon the wavy lines as we jump in The Way Back Machine and see what I said in April, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  Nothing’s really changed other than he’s no longer leaving men on base, his homers have gone up (literally) and his lack of Ks are catching up to him.  Hmm… Maybe some stuff has changed.  He had a 1.98 ERA at Metco prior to last night, so that’s still a nice matchup start, but Pelfrey is no longer a must own.  At 109 IP on the year and only 67 Ks, he’s a notch below Jon Garland in K-rate.  I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I really want to believe this, but the Met doctors are a joke.  Did they go to that med school Steve Guttenberg went in Bad Medicine?

Shin-Soo Choo – Thumb-Soo Blue now might need surgery and could be out for the season.  Is this all a ploy for him to avoid his army service time?  We must have a commenter in Canada who could take him in.  Volunteers?

Mike Gonzalez – Won’t return until after the All-Star break.  As previously mentioned, Alfredo will continue to get saves now and when Mike G. first returns.  From there, I imagine names will go into Juan Samuel’s hat and he’ll pull one out.  Hey, New ERA’s now the closer! Um, that’s the tag.

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 and now has 2 homers in his last two starts.  Not starting every day, but I’d grab him now in AL-Only leagues and watch closely how his playing time shakes out for mixed leagues.  Hey, New ERA’s now starting at 1st base! Still the tag, Juan.

Chase Utley – Saying he won’t need the full 8 weeks of recovery time.  I believe Utley can return early.  Still, a hand issue that won’t have him on the field until late-August isn’t something you should go out of your way to acquire.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Braves.  It’s one thing to face Halladay, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must’ve been for the Braves with Russia still occupying Georgia.

Cliff Lee – Supposedly, the Phillies were scouting The Adverb.  I wonder if the scout went to Vegas, got himself a hooker and some blow while pretending to scout Cliff Lee because HE WAS JUST ON THEIR TEAM!  Whoa, Cap’n Caps, easy.  SORRY.

Russell Branyan – Now has three homers since joining the Mariners.  Had 31 homers last year and has 13 now.  You do the math!

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Man, that WHIP is messy.  What a slob!  No wonder he goes by Filthy Sanchez.  According to me.  But we’ll pretend he goes by that on every site on the interwebs.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and batting .269.  Maybe he’s uncomfortable carrying around those extra 75 pounds.  Let’s get him and the Sandovals on Losing It With Jillian.  I’d love to see Sandoval’s family all try to lose weight together.  “Mama, did you put extra mayonnaise on my lard sandwich?”  Mama Sandoval looks guilty then, “No.”

Buster Posey - 2-for-4 with his third homer.  All he does is hit homers (once a week).

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve seen better starts, but let’s be clear about something.  Gorzelanny isn’t an ace.  He’s a number five fantasy starter.  He still has a 3.31 ERA on the year and is worth starting in favorable matchups.

Ian Kennedy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member when I said to lose him in last week’s Buy/Sell?  Yup.

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 13th homer yesterday in the Diamondbacks’ 83rd game.  LaRoche meet 2nd half of the 162 game schedule, 2nd half say wassup to LaRoche.

Krispie Young – 2-for-3, 2 steals while hitting leadoff.  Now has 15 homers and 16 steals on the year.  Yeah, Krispie’s been better than your other outfielders.  Yup, even that one.

Kosuke Fukudome – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer.  Keep in mind his playing time is very iffy right now but he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.  This game might’ve be the start of something.  Either way, the choice is yours.  Doo, da, dippity.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-4, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Somehow the Cubs pulled out the win with Koyie Hill on the bench.

Alexei Ramirez – Now has two homers in two games while hitting over .400 in the last week.  Definitely worth owning though I’m not sure where his steals have been this year.  Did they have visa issues?

Carlos Quentin – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Frequent commenter, Steve, summed up the thoughts of current Quentin owners yesterday when he said, “Oh, Quentin, I am so glad I drafted you/dropped you/picked you up/dropped you again/picked you back up.”

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than 2 runs in a start in over a month.  Yeah, you should own him.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched in the 8th inning of 7-1 game.  I know what you’re thinking, “What’s Ozzie thinking?”  Good question.  Ozzie supposedly wants Jenks to get some action before being the closer again because he was away on bereavement leave.  And Ozzie wants to confuse fantasy owners.  That too.  I’d grab Thornton if he’s available.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit his first major league homer.  Worth monitoring in AL-Only leagues (as if you don’t have enough to do!), but his playing time has been sporadic.

Mark Teixeira – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  PABST (Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) getting a jump on the All-Star break so I guess this was a premature jacking.

Jayson Nix – 2 homers in yesterday’s game.  Jaymes Nix got drunk and called Laynce to ask him how come he can’t be more like Jayson.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Of course I sat Garza when he pitched well last week in Fenway and started him yesterday for this crizzap at home.  Of course, I did!  When I yell obscenities at telemarketers, I call them Garza.

Eric Patterson – 2 homers and now has 6 homers on the year.  Not quite as bonkers as it sounds… Okay, it’s a little bonkers, but he hit 14 homers in Triple-A one year and 12 homers in Triple-A last year.  For those desperate for anything at MI, you could probably do worse.

Matt LaPorta – LaPo hit another homer yesterday then was removed with a head bruise from his collision with Andrus.  After the bump on the head, LaPorta thought he was Ginger from Gilligan’s Island.

Joey Votto – Hit 2 homers.  Yeah, but Omar Infante can play 4 positions.

Erik Bedard – Was due to pitch on Tuesday, but he’s dealing with a stiff shoulder.  We’re actually lucky this happened.  If Bedard came back while Ben Sheets was healthy, that would’ve caused a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.

Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? Sure, but how long can a flippin’ pinkie hold him back? Take it easy on the shadow puppets and give your pinkie a rest, doode. Besides, this isn’t the first time Andre Ethier’s had to battle his pinkie demons. So he should get better? Yup. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. But he gives you no steals and his power is limited. His HRs per AB for the last three years is almost identical from the 1st half to the 2nd half. Around one homer every 25 ABs, so you’re looking at 40/12/50/.300/2 in the 2nd half. It’s nice, but Brennan Boesch just did that in the 1st half. Oh, and maybe the pinkie is bothering him. Ethier’s name value is a lot more valuable than his stats. This does not mean sell Ethier for an unopened Blossom: Season 2 DVD, but I’d entertain offers if there’s people in your league that think Ethier’s due for a huge bounce back. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Clint Barmes – Has some power and very light speed. Will usually hurt you on average, but is currently hitting near-.400 in the last week. And just think if you own DeWitt and Barmes, you can dedicate your fantasy season to John Ritter.

Felipe Lopez – When you drafted Utley in the 1st round, you never thought you’d be thinking about swimming up the Fe-Lopezian in July, huh?

Mike Aviles – We’ll call this the “I Just Lost Pedroia, Utley and Tulo” Buy/Sell edition. Between Barmes, Felipe and Aviles (or Barfmes), you have a terrible average-okay power guy, a light on everything guy and an empty average guy, respectively. Just think, if you play your Barfmes exactly right, you can get everything Pedroia, Utley and Tulo were giving you. But probably not.

Matt LaPorta – Just went over him. Scroll down or click. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.

Chris Johnson – Before altering all of your Big Johnson t-shirts, I’d note that he has a terrible walk to strikeout rate. For right now, he’s more of an NL-Only add.

Dexter Fowler – This season Dexter is going to kill it! I’m hoping if I keep saying that it will come true while also reminding me to rent the first season of that serial killer show.

Roger Bernadina – Doesn’t he sound like a real estate agent whose picture would be on a bus bench? I’m Roger Bernadina and I can be a cheap source of a 10/20 season. Now who wants to be a homeowner?

Wilson Betemit – For how long can the Royals bench their hottest hitter? Not rhetorical. Before you answer, consider that they played Alex Gordon when he wasn’t hitting and now refuse to promote him when he is hitting. Also consider they never promoted Kila Ka’aihue when he was hitting or gave him a fair shake when they did promote him.

Milton Bradley – What are you worried about? Him throwing off your fantasy chemistry? Sure, in person Milton Bradley is unsafe for Ages 2+, but you’re not going to dinner with him. Go ahead and add this Golden Glove outfielder for power and some light speed.

Alfredo Simon – Mike Gonzalez should be owned, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be the closer as soon as he walks off the big ol’ jet airliner. A) Gonzalez has a habit of losing closing gigs. B) He’s a lefty. C) He needs to get some innings under his belt in the majors before closing. D) There’s no D. E) Why would there be an E if there was no D?

Kris Medlen – In the May 7th Buy/Sell, I told you to get Medlen. He’s now at 11% owned in ESPN. Don’t everyone jump on the bandwagon at once.

Tom Gorzelanny – 65 Ks in 63 IP. I shouldn’t have to say more. Though by me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more. And me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more is me saying even more. And me saying– Well, you get the picture.

SELL

Paul Konerko – He’s now 34-years-old and has 20 homers while batting .295. Hasn’t hit over 31 homers or as high as .295 since 2006. I’m not saying to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar but for 2010 you’ve already got three-quarters of Konerko’s production. It’s time to cash in.

Ian Kennedy – You guys had a nice run. Member that time you and him and… Yeah, good times! The Diamondbacks are starting to skip him and he’s not a good enough bet going forward for you to be patient. I’m looking elsewhere.

Pablo Sandoval – Aw… But he’s so cute! He’s fat and a panda and you just can’t hate on that. In the preseason, I warned people that Sandoval is not a power hitter no matter his size. He’s similar to Billy Butler in that respect. (BTW, for All-Star Weekend, Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval in a wet t-shirt contest. Who’s with me?! No one? Oh, well.) Sandoval can hit for more average than your average panda, but I wouldn’t be surprised to only see 15 homers from him this year. Otherwise known as what Rolen had through June 21st. Sandoval will still have some value this year, but he’s a prime example of someone who has more name value than actual value.

Carlos Beltran – Can he run? Can he hit major league pitching again? Can he stop looking so much like Rickie from My So Called Life, it’s really distracting. Lots of questions attached to Beltran. You know what else is attached to him? Is he wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket? No, random italicized voice. That picture is really distracting. I know. Hype and name value is attached to Beltran. If you think you’re getting a guy who is going to give you a prime career year packed into three months, you’re dreaming. I wouldn’t trade Beltran for a six pack of skunked beer, but I’d listen to offers.

Yesterday, Matt LaPorta homered in his third straight game.  Who needs LeBron when you got LaPorta?  BTW, I don’t like basketball because I think a 7 foot tall guy making a basket is as difficult as me throwing away something in a garbage can, but I suggest you check out the LeBron documentary.  Was really good.  Total puff piece, but I was on the edge of my feeling castle about to emote.  Hey, Joel Siegel, I’m carrying on the movie and mustache thing!  Maybe LaPorta’s just Pronk II:  Hasta LaPorta Baby.  Maybe the MLP package is finally on.  Maybe he does nothing starting tomorrow.  At your corner infidel, I’d take a flyer on LaPorta for the chance you get a cheap 15 homers.  If he maintains this pace for 3 months, he’ll have Cleveland fans almost forget they traded CC Pitching Factory for him.  Just like Lou Marson and Jason Donald’s play is making them forget about Cliff Lee.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Masterson – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He must’ve decided it was time to step it up since 3,463 Yahoo teams had dropped him.

Frank Herrmann – Got the save yesterday because he was already warming up.  When I saw his last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen.  I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Mygirl.

Chase Utley – Will have surgery and miss the next 8 weeks.  The Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten continues to sweep through the NL East.  If you own Utley, you have to DL him and grab a replacement.  And cry.  You should do that too.  Let out your emotions, it’s good for your fantasy soul.  Also, he wasn’t hitting well before the hand injury, so expecting him to return in September at the height of his game is assuming a lot.  As they said in China in the 1400s, assuming makes an ass out of you and Ming.

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco will miss up to a month with discomfort in his left elbow.  Philly fans threw batteries at the doctor who originally said Polanco just needed a cortisone shot.

Jose Reyes – Out of the lineup again yesterday.  This time he said he had pain in his side while the Mets maintain the pain’s in his back.  I saw the replay when he was injured and he was holding his side.  Hopefully it’s still a minor day-to-day thing.  Meanwhile, the Mets really should upgrade their doctors.

Carlos Beltran – Could return next week if he can play consecutive nine inning games this weekend.  Beltran also makes an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, y0u!

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was outpitched by Livan (7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Sure, he was outpitched by only one extra baserunner, but it’s Johan vs. Livan.  This should’ve been an Andre vs. two jobbers type mismatch.

Jason Varitek – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  Or as they say in Boston, “Ya got jammied on the jimmy.”  Actually, no one says that.  Kevin Cash will take over.  Ironically, he is so not money.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I seem like the only fantasy baseball ‘pert holding out against Cahill, but I just can’t get behind his K-rate.  Sure, he struck out 10 last time out, but it was the Pirates.  This start was vs. the Suckie-O’s.  If you want to grab him, you do what you do.  I would not start him next time out vs. the Yankees.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.

Josh Bell – This rookie is one Cool Papa!  Here’s what Stephen said, “(Bell was) received in the George Sherrill trade last year, Bell is the future third baseman for the Orioles.  Meaning, 2010 – just waiting for Miguel Tejada and, or, Garrett Atkins to stumble or get hurt. However, don’t let “future …” get into your head.  His upside is .270 to .290 with 20 to 25 homers a season.  Think Adrian Beltre, but without the glove…”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  That’s pretty right on; I’ll add that he’s young and could stumble this year.  I wouldn’t look at him yet outside of AL-Only and keeper leagues.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looked solid at times and “not so much” at other times.  You know, rookie stuff.  In home starts vs. lefty heavy lineups, I’d give him a shot in mixed leagues.  Otherwise, I’d stick to NL-Only and keeper leagues with him for now.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  He’s young and exciting!  Bengie Molina’s fat and boring!  Yeah, and Molina will probably have better numbers than Posey this year.  Cust kayin’.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5 and 2 steals.  Booyakasha!  When I say, Dexter, you say Fowler!  Dexter… What?  Too soon?  All right, but it was a nice game and love that Tracy hit him leadoff the past three games.

Carlos Gonzalez – Yesterday, someone in our fantasy baseball forums noticed something I’ve been meaning to say about CarGo.  He always seems to hit a homer and steal a base in the same game.  It’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

David Aardsma – 1 IP, 2 ER, Kazaam!  Here’s why I think Aardsma was inexplicably brought into a tie game in the 8th inning.  The M’s are in last place on the verge of sweeping the Yankees and Wakamatsu thought if they get the sweep the M’s may not sell off their team and fire him.  In other news, Cliff Lee thinks he’ll be traded by early next week.

Cliff Lee – If I may dream for a moment, imagine him in Metco.  Mmm… The Adverb.  BTW, picture you’re a Mariners fan who was in a coma since March and you just heard the Cliff Lee rumors.  You’d be like, “Trade Lee?  Are you crazy?  We got him, Milton Bradley and Figgy!  We’re going all the way!”  Um, yeah.  Listen, Comatose Mariners fan, you may want to sit down.

By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?!  Tough week for MIs.  Rollins must be contagious.  It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten.  This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team of jailbirds and hooligans onto the field in the heart of the pennant race.  Or maybe that was a movie pitch I overheard in a Hollywood Starbucks.  Neverthehoo!  Right now, Reyes doesn’t sound too bad with only a stiff back and not an issue with his oblique, the mystery ailment that sidelines players and no one has any idea where in the body it is.  Reyes said he could’ve even played last night.  Excellent, now keep him away from any Met doctors that treated Beltran’s day-to-day thing last year that knocked him out for over a year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4 as he hits third for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, it didn’t work for Reyes either.  Rollins is now batting .270 after returning from the DL with a .341 average.  Granted, that was only through 11 games, but they’re my small sample sizes and I’ll put them wherever I want.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 Hits, 0 Walks, 10 Ks and 119 pitches.  The 13 hits were a career high, the 119 pitches were not.  Not even his high in his last ten starts.  He’s a gingie horse… Nay (pun point)… He’s a gingie robot.  A gingie robot that wouldn’t mind some run support.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer.  He eats gingie robots for breakfast.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!  Where the heckfire you been?  Bruce hit his 10th homer yesterday as he bats .281 on the year.  I’d actually take five more homers and a .265 average.  Cust kayin’.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was vs. the Pirates so take it with a grain of NaCl.  But he now has an ERA of 3.14 and more Ks than innings.  I wouldn’t even be pointing him out if his next start vs. the Diamondhacks wasn’t favorable.  Mmm… deep flyer.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again with two straight quality starts.  If he falters against the Pirates in his next start, I may jump out my window.  Sure, I’m on the first floor, but it’s about the gesture.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 and now has two 4 hit games.  Tell me more, tell me more, can hit the ball far? Was that Grease, random italicized voice?  Stop judging me! The two four hit games surround a 1-for-12 stretch.  Definitely worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy with him yet in mixed leagues.

Barry Enright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Barry had pinpoint control in the minors, but gave 4 free passes in yesterday’s game.  But that might’ve just been nerves.  But II:  The Return of But, he might only be up for one start anyway.  But III:  But Lives, Willis may not stay in the rotation, which would give Barry more starts.  But IV:  But vs. However, even if Barry sticks in the rotation, he needs to prove himself in the majors before I’d add him.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 0 ER as the blind man picked up the saw and said, “Hey, I got a save!”

Chris Snyder – 3-for-4 but gave up 5 Cardinal steals.  I wonder if the Cards players own Montero in fantasy and this was their subtle hint to Hinch.

Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with his 14th Krispie fly.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (only 2 Walks), 4 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez just gave up two poorly timed homers.  Sure, I’m making excuses, but I own him everywhere.  Gotta stay positive, Mike Skinner.

Erik Bedard – Could return to the M’s rotation on Tuesday.  He just has to get through one final rehab start healthy.  Vegas isn’t taking bets, but I’d put his return next week at 4 to 1.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  It’s so sexy when he does that thing with the Ks and the no runs.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  He’s death against lefties, which is not the same as murdering lefties.  At .217 on the year, he’s nothing but an AL-Only OF at this point.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in his last 4 games.  Sure, he’s a head case, but he has 8 homers and 6 steals on the year in less than 200 ABs.  He should be owned in more than 3% of ESPN leagues.

Bengie Molina – With apologies to Alfred, the fattest, slowest Molina was sent from the Giants to the Rangers.  The Rangers add Molina to their organizational catching depth of Max Ramirez, Teagarden, Treanor and Saltalamacchia as they continue to follow the “catching wins championships” credo that has never worked for anyone.  Molina moves into a much better lineup and ballpark, which should help his numbers.  He’s a 15 homer, .260 hitter.  On the basepaths and the buffet line, he’s a station-to-station guy.

Buster Posey – With Molina moving to Texas, Posey gets a nod of approval and every day catching duties, which may not necessarily help his hitting since he now has a much harder position to play.

Matt LaPorta – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in the last two games.  You know the drill.  When guys are hitting, you what?  *taps finger, scratches head, whistles*  You own them!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Chris Perez – Got the save since Wood pitched in the three prior games.  Though if you saw the box score and thought Wood was gone, it’s understandable.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!  Why can’t he pitch well vs. bad teams and crappy vs. good ones?  Is that too much to ask?

Vladimir Guerrero – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers.  Must’ve been nice to not only homer twice off the Angels, but to hit one off of the impostor, Francisco Rodriguez.  If Vlad stays healthy, he can keep his name in the MVP conversation.  That “if” isn’t exactly Rhode Island-sized.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He flew through 7 innings only to give up 5 runs in the 8th as he tried to blow his own win and Greinke himself.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar looked sharp in his return.  He even struck out some hitters in this game.  If you’ve forgotten, Jurrjens’ bugaboo is he doesn’t K people.  A healthy Jar-Jar should absolutely be owned in your league.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer while hitting .274 and chipping in 3 steals.  You know what’s fascinating to me (which means it’ll be a yawnfest for you), if Jones hit .274 all year while spreading his 13 homers out over the first three months, he would be owned everywhere and people would harbor no ill will towards him.  This is why you draft guys you trust and let them play.   On the other hand, Markakis is suckakis.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 14th homer.  After the game, Casey McGehee called him to say, “Nice hit, Dad!”

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Probably a day late on that buy low Kemp trade offer.

Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  Hitting around .500 in the last week with 4 steals.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks with a 2.74 ERA on the year.  Aren’t you glad you loaded your team with hodgepadres?  I am.

Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t play because of shoulder soreness as the Padres exploded for 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Dustin Pedroia – Since he was unable to put any weight on his foot, he took grounders while on his knees.  He’s obviously been watching the instructional video, Dorf on Baseball.

Brandon Inge – 0-for-3, but after the game he was all smiles.  When asked why, he said he loves having books read to him with his adopted brother.

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.