Fantasy Baseball Advice

Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday.  He’s tizzerrible.  I won’t defend him.  Your honor, no questions at this time.  I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up.  They’re defeated.  Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you.  His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying.  Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins.  Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid.  Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was.  Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork.  The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month.  I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired.  Well, then go take a nap.  Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year.  If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs.  Order is a coin flip.  Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”

Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms.  It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale.  If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.

Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts.  I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season.  How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench?  Fun aside:  his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.

Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year.  It’s his special purpose.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags.  That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues.  Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs.  I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.

Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again.  Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that.  Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer.  Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.

Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318.  His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint.  As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs.  His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.

Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up.  It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl.  Trout has homers now in his last two games.  The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench.  With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.

Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy?  Or stick a needle in his ass?  This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out.  Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER.  I would stay away.  Ixnay on the Enryhay.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.

Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning.  Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week.  He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer.  I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.

Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers.  Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard.  Cust kayin’.

Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Wait, what?  Oh, God, no!  Wait, no, c’mon.  Really?  *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?!  He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him.  “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!”  That’s except when he’s not pitching well.  Where did all the smarter than thou’s go?  Probably onto fantasy football.

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer.  His bag is, uh, stealing bags.  He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week.  Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg.  What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs?  Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long?  Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?

Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save.  Yup.

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week.  Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?

Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away.  BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?”  “Why do you ask?”  “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”

Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A.  That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.

David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess!  I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them?  George Foster?  (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone.  Fact!)  The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets?  Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports:  In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.”  In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later.  In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.”  In reality, he missed two seasons.  “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.”  In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair.  So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks.  Um, okay.  Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power?  Yeah, that’s rhetorical.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Now has 16 steals on the year.  How do you motivate overpaid athletes?  With the allure of being vastly overpaid.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks.  That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl.  My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.

Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6.  Voila!

Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Left the game with a forearm contusion.  No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.

Justin Turner – Overdrive!  2-for-5 with a double and a RBI.  Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually?  Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say.  Go with it.

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks.  Six walks for The Adverb?  Did he throw that many all of last year?  Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.

Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks.  So this is either a great time to sell or hold.  I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap.  If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold.  If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell.  Deal?  Yeah, deal.

Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games.  His average has been yawnstipating at best.  Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy.  He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be.  Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year.  He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.

Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach.  He’s saying he’ll be fine.  You know, Colby’s a survivor.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base.  Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”

John Lackey – Sent to the DL.  The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA.  So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?

A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hey, 2010 A.J. Burnett good to see you.  Say hello to your mother for me.

David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer.  Who are you, Curtis Granderson?  Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder?  He is Joey Bats.  Who are you, Courtesy Gratin?  What’s that, free cheesy tater tots?  That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power.  Now go to your room.

Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer.  Has 6 more homers than Morneau.  Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!

Derrek Lee – Strained oblique.  That’s sad for Lee and his family.  No one else should care.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name.  Chabon would’ve gave him the win.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-2.  Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd?  Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead.  Theory!  With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run.  The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games.  He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass.  Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.

Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List.  It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking.  And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow.  Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been.  He’s down to .188 on the year.  Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You’re welcome.

Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats.  Sorta glass half full:  Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts.  Sorta glass half empty:  His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty.  Sorta who cares:  It’s Paul Maholm.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).

Cole Kimball – 1 IP, o ER with the win.  That Cole Kimball sure plays a mean baseball!

Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Really pulled his shizz together in May.  April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35.  Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.

Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER.  He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ.  Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.

Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year.  Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!

Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice.  Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts.  Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base.  Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo?  Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.

Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness.  Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days.  Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Oh-kay.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  First name, Hommy.  Second name, Tanson.

Grady Sizemore – To the DL.  I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.

Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking.  Well, that’s interesting for you to read.  Moving on…

Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation.  A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”

Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.

Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere.  Oh, I know.  Scroll down to this morning’s post.  It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.

Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.

Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.

Brett Wallace – His face looks like he’s trying to gleek, but he is a current hot schmotato.

Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ.  I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players.  LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot.  Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.

Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart.  So what better time for him to finally break out?!  Yeah, that’s wishful thinking.  If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me.  I apologize sincerely.  Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.

Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him.  Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001.  Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against.  Good luck!

Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.

Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.

Ben Revere – SAGNOF!

Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell.  But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.

Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.

Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up.  Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.

Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day.  Okay, plus or minus 750.

Will Venable – More steals yadda³.  Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do.  Someone fill out my man’s stub.

SELL

Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction.  Hint:  It was yesterday’s afternoon post.

Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers.  BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time.  Donkeycorn?  Brain Freeze?  Hot schmotato?  How are there 250 comments on every post at this site?  Is this a cult?  Razzball?  How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?

Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try.  He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season.  Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.

Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day.  Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals.  Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats.  I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.

John Danks had a no-hitter through 6 innings yesterday and ended with a line of 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s Jo-Da showing us how to harness midi-chlorians.  Top ten in the AL with my WHIP at 1.13 through 112 innings, have I.  Hmmm… Yessss.  A Yoda translator, I do not need because I am Jo-Da.   Danks has made a lot more hitters swing at pitches outside the strike zone this year — 21% in 2009 to over 28%, resulting in hitters making contact with almost 70% of pitches outside the strike zone compared to 57.7% last year.  That increase, naturally, has caused hitters to make a lot less solid contact.  This might be from his changeup, which he is throwing more of this year.  Or it could be The Force.  Either way, Danks is not suddenly an ace, but he is teetering between a fantasy #2 and #3.  You’ll take that, wrap it in a tortilla, load it up with guac and eat it.  Yes, you will.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Brantley – Even though his gig is steals-a-plenty, Brantley hit his first homer as the rest of Cleveland dealt with a bad case of LeBronchitis.  Listen, Cleveland, it hurts real bad right now, but you still have Jake Westbrook.

Roy Oswalt – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Oswalt took off his jersey and switched it with a fan who was wearing a Dodger jersey.  Oswalt said he saw it in the World Cup and thought it was a fun tradition.  He then winked, nudged and whispered, “Get me out of Houston.”

Lance Berkman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers and now has 5 homers in the last four games.  Watch out, The Ghost of Berkmans Past is haunting Houston.

Dan Wheeler – Picked up the save as Rafael Soriano was noticeably absent for the 2nd game in a row.  You know what I did immediately in every league?  I picked up Dan Wheeler.  The Rays have a bunch of guys who could step up.  Benoit’s been incredible, Balfour’s been decent, but Wheeler got the save yesterday so that was who I grabbed, in a non-perverse way.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Not sure what’s more surprising, that Crawford has ten homers or Longoria has only 13.  Yeah, Longoria probably.  Get some donks, Longo!

Wade Davis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He needed this quality start since he may have been pitching for his life with the whispers of Hellickson getting called up growing louder.  Or maybe those whispers were Michael and the other dead Lost people.  BTW, I’m still annoyed at the ending.  Okay, moving on.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know Jeff Foxworthy with his “You know you’re a redneck…” shtick?  Well, along those lines, you know you are a total baseball nerd if you’re fascinated to see how the Padres will balance Latos’ workload with the need to pitch him as they make a run for the pennant.  Hey, Foxworthy’s isn’t funny either.

Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.76 on the year with 100 Ks in 122 IP.  Barring the Yankees and at Arlington, that’s a guy you start every time out.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – Was reported early yesterday that Reyes was going to see a doctor for his oblique pain, which is a terrible sign… But then, as with most things with the Mets, things were not as they seemed.  Later in the day, it was reported that Reyes did not see a doctor and should be fine for Friday.  Stay tuned for at least five more conflicting reports regarding the Mets.

Matt LaPorta – Out for the third straight day for what was deemed an insignificant head bruise.  Can’t we send him back out there with Cervelli’s Great Gazoo helmet?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 23rd homer.  All he does is hit homers!  No, really, that’s all he does.  He hit .179 in June.  Did he drink Dave Kingman’s Vitamin Water?

Adam Lind – Speaking of nothing but homers, Lind hit his 11th homer.  Courtesy of ESPN, Lind has one three hit game this year.  On Opening Day.  Yowsers!  (The “Yowsers!” was my addition, not ESPN.)

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He has 93 IP and 67 Ks, not terrific.  His matchups are wonky at times.  His WHIP of 1.16, very pretty.  Hey, take the good, take the bad…yadda yadda yadda….  The Facts of Life.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 6th homer and 14th steal.  Someone’s been staying at the Renaissance Hotel.

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, no walks, 12 Ks and now has a 2.96 ERA with 128 Ks in 104 1/3 IP.  Member when his ERA was 4.99 on May 4th and you were buggin’ out and I told you to chill out?  We were younger then, you and I.  Fond memories.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-4, now hitting .297 with 4 homers.  Wow.  And.  Ow.  Where are the Mauer owners?  I never hear any complaints in the comments about him.  I know you’re out there.  Is all forgiven because of his precious Runs?  I am not disappointed at all.  Mauer gets me Runs.  I am glad I drafted him in the first round and converted his bobblehead into my water faucet.  The only water coming out of your Joe Mauer bobblehead is tears and you know it.  C’mon, vent a little, it’s good for the soul.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  May not have been the easiest matchup but how many excuses are you going to make for Baker?  You guys had a good run– Actually, no, you had a terrible time together.  I’d part ways if there’s decent options on waivers.

Justin Morneau – After taking a knee to his melon, he sat out yesterday.  He’s day-to-day, or as they say in Jamaica, dayo-to-dayo.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 1 earned run in any game since June 12th.  Yup.

Felix Pie – 1-for-3 with a homer.  That is some tasty Pee-ay.

Gerardo Parra – 4-for-5 with 2 runs.  That line is pretty indicative of Parra.  He hits for average and little else.  He’s like a poor man’s Coghlan.  That’s not a compliment.

Andres Torres – 2-for-6 while hitting his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals in the last week.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you don’t need to wait for that shizz.  He’s right here, guys and three girl readers.  Go at it.

Buster Posey – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In 50 less games, he has better numbers on the year than Wieters.  He’ll probably be passing Mauer in value soon too.  Ouchy.  How’s that avoiding my advice to punt catcher treating you?  Now get me my mead!!!

Andy Pettitte – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hey, all of you Pettitte owners, you’re living on borrowed time.  That is all.

Jason Giambi – 4-for-4, but I picked up Brad Eldred in my NL-Only league!  Freakin’ Giambino.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Aw, geez, now he’s just making it difficult for Keith Law to choose his NL Cy Young.  Pardon me, may I see your FIP? That was my Keith Law impersonation.  It needs work.

Shane Victorino – 3-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Uh-oh, he’s gaining on Ryan Howard.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and his third blown save.  Lidge loves to turn the vacuum from suck to blow.  He is more than capable of losing the closer job, but I don’t think it happens without a few more blown saves or an injury.

Ryan Madson – Was activated from the DL and blew his 3rd save.  Hey, just like old times!  For those out there with short-term memory — hey, who just wrote that?! — Madson wasn’t great before the trip to the DL, so there’s no reason to think he’s going to suddenly take over for Lidge.  I mean, it’s possible if Lidge continues to be crizzap or gets hurt, but it’s not happening right away.

Jayson Werth – Trade rumors are swirling that Werth might be moved.  His value would obviously take a hit, unless, of course, he moves to Coors or The House They Built Adjacent To The House That Ruth Built, but neither team really needs Werth.  These trade rumors may just be because Utley is sick of his tag team partner (<–not entirely safe for work, unless you work in the porn industry).  That news item reminds me when Willie McGee and Otis Nixon were rumored to be swapping paper bags with the eyes cut out.