Fantasy Baseball Advice

I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe.  “There’s a storm a comin’!  Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?”  “No, Gissley!  It wants our closers!”  “But I only have Juan Cruz!  And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man”  “It doughs’cent matter!”  Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be.  I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker.  If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him.  The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’  You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick.  At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network.  If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now.  You’re pitching with a torn tendon.  I repeat, you have a torn tendon.  So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today.  Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations.  I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know?  I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’  If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately.  If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside.   To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish.  It only sounded like it.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty).  I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded.  Good co-jo’s.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce.  (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too.  That one hurts worse.  Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking.  Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)

Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future.  Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea?  Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture?  “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.”  Eh, maybe it’s me.  Any the hoo!  Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer.  I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth.  WAPU!  (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self:  Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song?  So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved?  I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50.  Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400.  What’s your craptcher doing?

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking).  It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.

Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks.  He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer.  Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70.  This year, it’s 1.80/7.20.  Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313.  Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful):  1. Braun — Fine.  2. Miggy — Fine.  3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful.  4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power.  5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.

Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP.  Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball?  The 1971 O’s?  The 1920 White Sox?  The 1889 Spiders?

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12.  He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game.  Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo.  Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist.  Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him?  So bonkers.  Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves?  “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”

Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball:  All Saves, All the Time.  Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save.  Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan.  You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!

Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List.  We may never see him again in the under four epoch.  Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off.  I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.

Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did?  Do you really need to ask?  Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya.  He blew the save.  It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.

Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues.  His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next.  Yes, please and thank you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat.  Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.

Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A.  Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.

Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.

Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms.  Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up.  Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday.  Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend.  In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.

Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer.  All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL.  Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday.  Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him.  Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00.  It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games.  Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done.  Bunyan’s still got some lumber.  Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays.  Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average.  It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick.  And something will stink.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks.  On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89.  It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy.  Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.

Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June.  I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer.  Or 4 homers in the last week.  Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL.  Things that make you go hmm…

Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand.  The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today.  Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.

Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns.  Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.

Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Marginer!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.

Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save.  It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps.  Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ‘em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young Jr.  Tyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.

Traditional, smarishional, am I right?

I mean, long gone are the days when your soon-to-be father-in-law would actually pay you (in sheep, no less) to take his wretched daughter off his hands.

Similarly, Razzballers are becoming masters of their own domains and kicking the traditional 5×5 fantasy baseball game to the curb. According to this survey, a ton of you guys are adding OPS to your leagues. OPS is on-base plus slugging – basically the sum of a player’s OBP and their slugging (to put it in almost identical wording).

I understand it, it’s new. The long ball is fun. It’s not the 1940s anymore when players hit only singles and everyone had tons of acres and sheep and whatnot to give away.

Back to fake reality: if you’re in one of these newfangled leagues, you have to change the kind of dowry you offer for certain players.

Black OPS All-stars

Not surprisingly, a lot of hitters featured in the OBP value risers will gain value in OPS leagues. Jose Bautista, Lance Berkman, Prince Fielder, Carlos Pena, Mark Reynolds and Nick Swisher all become even more valuable in this type of league. In addition a few other guys gain a good bit of value.

Hanley Ramirez: Shortstops, as a whole, tend to suck even more when it comes to OBP and OPS leagues. Troy Tulowitzki stands a cut above the rest. However, even including last season’s disaster, Ramirez is the #2 SS in OPS over the last three seasons. For his career, Ramirez has a .886 OPS. While he might not get back to his .900+ OPS ways, a .370 OBP and .450 slugging percentage would net him a .820 OPS, which would have been in the top 40 last season and third at the position. A resurgent Hanley is a phenomenal option in OPS leagues.

Carlos Gonzalez: Gonzalez posted the 12^th best OPS among OFs last season and has the third best OPS since 2009 at the position. A .365 OBP and .545 slugging percentage (i.e., .910 OPS) seem par for the course with Gonzalez now. That’s a top 15 mark most years. If you add the steals and other counting numbers, Gonzalez becomes an incredibly interesting option in the late first round.

Carlos Beltran: A healthy Beltran represents huge value in OPS leagues. He has the seventh best OPS since 2009 among OFs and posted the ninth best mark at the position just last season. Over the last few seasons, Beltran has increased his walk rate and OBP, and, when healthy has maintained an ISO above .215. Beltran will post a .372 OBP and .487 slugging percentage, meaning an .859 OPS. He has the upside to #1 OF status for your team who you can probably get as your third OF.

Kevin Youkilis: Youkilis (Grey’s geriatric love), who didn’t post an OBP below .390 from 2007-2010, could have been mentioned in the OBP piece (but he’s a no brainer in that format). However, he has posted the 10th best OPS over the last three years. While his 2011 OPS (.833) was low by his standards, it would easily finish top 10 at the position. Outside of health, the only concern entering 2012 is that lack of fly balls from Youkilis last season. Unless he is trading fly balls for liners off the green monster, his slugging percentage will suffer (as it did in 2011). For that reason, Youkilis seems like a .490 slugging guy (oddly right in line with his career number). Add in a .395 OBP and you have an .885 OPS, which would have been second at the position last year and 16th overall. Even if you want to dock him a few more points in SLG and OBP, he’s still a top OPS performer.

Mark Teixeira: Teixeira is tied with Ryan Howard for the 10^th best OPS among first basemen over the last three seasons. Still, that OPS lands him in a tie for 21st overall during that time. OPS, it’s a first baseman’s game. Teixeira shows that you can obtain elite production in OPS from the back-end of the first baseman pool, suggesting waiting on a slugger makes a lot of sense. Teixeira has an .877 OPS with the Yankees and should be good for a .360 OBP and .510 SLG this season, i.e., an .870 OPS, which would have put him among the top 25 players last season and eighth at the position.

Sleeper OPS

Jim Thome: Thome has the 15^th best OPS over the last three years. During that time, he has averaged 27 HRs, a .376 OBP and a .526 SLG. While last season was nowhere close to his near-vintage 2010, it was in line with his production in 2009. For the Phillies, a .360 OBP and .480 SLG is not out of the question. That would give him a solid .840 OPS. The at bats might not be there, but he’s decidedly worth a flier in OPS leagues.

Josh Willingham: Surprisingly, Willingham is tied with Jayson Werth for the 41st best OPS over the last three seasons. That places him tied for 14th among OFs during that span as well. While Willingham’s OBP struggled last season, it was the first time he was in the American League and first time his walk rate dipped below double digits. Clearly some adjustment was needed and Willingham hit far better in the second half. There’s no reason Willingham can’t get his walk rate back to 11.5%, which should push his OBP to at least .355. In addition, he slugged .477 last year in Oakland, so he should have no problem putting up a .470 SLG in Minnesota. This would give Willingham an .825 OPS, which would put him in the top 20 at his position.

Luke Scott: Last season was a disaster for Scott. However, in the previous three years, he averaged a .348 OBP and .497 SLG (.845 OPS). Of course, there is a legitimate chance father time is catching up to Scott as he will be 34 this season. Nevertheless, he is mostly an afterthought in drafts and should be a cheap lottery ticket in OPS leagues.

Matt Joyce: Joyce, 27-years-old, has put up an .829 OPS over the last two seasons. While he took a small step backward in OBP last year (his walk rate was 9.4%), there’s no way he can’t get it back to 11% or so. If he does, he can post a .355 OBP. In addition, Joyce is entering his prime, hit more line drives last year and could be good for a few more extra base hits. A .482 SLG would net him an .837 OPS, making him an incredibly solid option in OPS leagues. In addition, his splits give you a blueprint to use him, i.e., only when a righty is starting.

Dexter Fowler: There aren’t many speed guys who rank among the OPS leaders at their respective positions (and calling Fowler a speed guy might be generous). Fowler’s .796 OPS last season was 29th for OFs and he demonstrated solid growth throughout the season. His three highest OPS months were in the second half and there was a near 200 point gulf between his first half OPS and second half. Fowler has always walked at a good clip and has posted 21%+ line drive rates the last three seasons. A .365 OBP and .435 SLG are not out of the question, which would help him reach a .800 OPS. Those numbers are a tad optimistic, but he could also improve on them. The biggest aspect of Fowler’s game that limits his value is his failure to use his speed. He was 12/21 in SB attempts last year and is 52/80 in his MLB career. Still, Fowler has two important ingredients in a base stealer: speed and OBP. Call Fowler a real big sleeper in OPS leagues.

Taco Bell Black OPS (non)Ballers

There is a bunch of cross-over from the OBP post to the OPS one when it comes to sucky guys for this format (cough shortstops). Alcides Escobar, Ian Desmond, Ichiro and others who don’t get on base a ton and hit a lot of singles lose tremendous value in OPS leagues.

Elvis Andrus: Andrus had the 13^th best OPS among SS last season (behind Erick Aybar, Derek Jeter, Emilio Bonifacio, Yunel Escobar and others). While Andrus has begun to walk at a decent clip and his ISO double last season, his career OBP and SLG are separated by just .003. Andrus will get on base just fine (.350), however his SLG won’t be much higher (.360), leaving him with a pretty terrible .710 OPS. There’s better ways to get 40 SBs than sacrificing that OPS.

Jimmy Rollins: Surprisingly, Rollins posted the 11th best OPS last season at the position and has the 16th best OPS over the last three years. His OPS during that time is lower than Marco Scutaro and Juan Uribe. Rollins’ ISO has trended down since 2007 and has apparently stabilized at .130. While he has begun to walk more, he has also tried to hit more fly balls (potentially to make up for his lack of power), which has zapped his batting average. Consequently, he is giving back the OBP he would have gained with his walks in trying to hit homers. At this point, he looks like a .330 OBP and .400 SLG. He won’t post an OPS much higher than Andrus in 2012.

Michael Bourn: While not as weak as Andrus, Bourn doesn’t drive the ball at all. Bourn maintains value in OBP leagues, but posting around a .700 OPS leaves fantasy owners wanting. Bourn is basically Mark Reynolds in OPS leagues. He provides elite value in one-category while hurting you remarkably in another. He’s not quite as disastrous as Reynolds in average, but it’s probably better to get speed somewhere else.

Alex Rios: Even when Rios was great in 2010, he didn’t crack a .800 OPS. In fact, his OPS over the last three seasons is barely in the top 90 OFs. Even if he bounces back in an optimistic sense (.325 OBP and .440 SLG), that’s a .765 OPS, which would have tied for 34th at the position last year and would be worse than what Jon Jay did.  Right now, he’s ranked 70th at Fleaflicker, which is madness, but even if he were another 100 spots later, I’d pass in an OPS league.

Cameron Maybin: Maybin is an odd case as he walks a decent amount and has the potential to drive the ball (.130 ISO last year, .132 for his career), yet he has a .704 OPS for his career. Still, he has posted mammoth OPS seasons in the minors and is still relatively young, so there is room for optimism. However, not even the most optimistic projections (.350 OBP, .425 SLG) get him to an .800 OPS. In reality, it’s far more likely he posts a .330 OBP and .400 SLG. That marginalizes his 40 steal potential.

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20