I’ve been asked to take over for Dan Pants today.  He must be on a bender or something.  Or maybe he’s getting that vasectomy he’s been talking about.  Anyways, it looks like there is a new rivalry in town.  Tampa and Boston are quickly overthrowing the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry.  Two fights in, two separate games in under two weeks.  David Price hit David Ortiz in the first inning, and then Mike Carp a few innings later.  Somehow Price wasn’t ejected, even though there were warnings issued after the first beaning.  The Sox had four ejections: two managers, a coach, and Brandon Workman (who threw behind Evan Longoria after the first two HBPs).  Still, the Sox managed to win 3-2 in 10 innings.  If you own players on either team, be on the lookout for suspensions.  Here’s what else happened throughout the league Friday evening:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For the 2nd time in two months, Yu Darvish has woken with a stiffy. A stiff neck, that is. Perhaps he should swallow the Viagra pill rather than letting it dissolve in his mouth before bedtime. On the fo’serious, what’s the problem with Texas and necks? I blame the NRA. They insert themselves in national debate, always pointing their finger at people and away from themselves. That’s the Neck Rehab Association. That was clear, right? What does Yu’s bed and pillow arrangement look like? Did he have his favorite Japanese architect of those tiny little cot-beds that are in hotels in Tokyo design his house? Maybe the Hello Kitty pillow is meant more for adornment rather than comfort. Can I have answers, I insist on truthiness. If I were the Rangers, I’d probably take a look at how he’s sleeping, that’s all I’m sayin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

For the most part, I fancy myself a Bo Jackson (pre-MNF injury disaster) of the fantasy game, but at times, I can have my Drew Henson moments. I know I’m not alone here, and this past weekend was tough for those of the same ilk to keep their baseball blinders in place. The NFL Draft certainly was a distraction, and the deep dives into BVP, splits, and all other mind-numbing stats turned into shallow dives at the crappy motel pool that usually result in paralysis. As a result, my bankroll hasn’t moved much in the last three days (especially in the preferred, upwards direction), but what can I say? I love watching grown men cry into their phones and am always in awe (for lack of better terms) of the real-life Count Chocula, Mel Kiper, and his obsession with hand and arm size. But alas, all picks are in, and it’s time to turn my full attention back to the pixie dust version of America’s pastime – and you should join me – especially on DraftKings.

I am just a small cog in the machine that is Razzball, so keep it here for plenty of great DFS content all season, and check out the recently unveiled DFSBot to gain an extra edge on the competition; it still has that new car bot smell. Mmmmm … bot.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fredo is a disgrace. That’s Fredo Gonzalez. He’s running around yapping his mouth about my fantasy team’s business, saying Alex Wood can go to the bullpen and Gavin Floyd can stay in the rotation. Why don’t you defend Moe Green while you’re at it, Fredo? I’m sorry, I’m about to have an aneurysm. Fredo said he doesn’t want to go to a six-man rotation, saying, “(Floyd) is one guy that would not go to the bullpen… We all know how the bullpen thing is. You get up. You get down. You go in. You got to warm up in 15 (pitches), and I don’t want to do that to (Floyd).” No, instead you’ll do it to one of your best, young arms. Jonny Venters just asked an elderly man behind him in line at the bank to sign his check for him because he can’t lift his arm! I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart! Well, I haven’t heard anything official yet, but it sounds like Wood is headed to the bullpen so Floyd can start. Super. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Houston Astros who crawled through a river of shizz and came out clean on the other side. The entire organization looks up in the air, rain beating down. Hey, Bus Driver, take the Astros to Zanwhattwonahwho, they finally called up George Springer! No, I don’t know how to spell it! With a Z? For an organization that hasn’t had anything promising since Billy Hatcher homered off a left-field foul pole, it’s about time there’s something to look forward to. They were downright depressing there for about seven years. Here’s what I said this offseason, “In Triple-A, Springer had 18 homers after hitting 19 homers in Double-A. That’s not one year in Double-A and one year in Triple-A even though my syntax might lead you to believe that. He hit 37 homers last year in the minors. Hello, sexy, what’s your name? Do you like your creme de menthe on the rocks? Can I call you grasshopper? 37 homers is pretttttay, pretttttay good. I wonder if he can do anything else. *moves finger along his minor league line* Hmm, too bad he only stole 45 bases last year. Oh. Wait, come again? I mean, I just came again. 40-steal speed from a guy that nearly hit 40 homers? Yummo on that Thirty Minute Meal. Give me some Restaurant: Stakeout, my waitress is sexting her boyfriend during business hours! So, I guess his average is atrocious. Oh, he hit .311 in Triple-A? Yeah, I just had a fangasm; I have to change my undershorts. Is it all peaches and cream on this big slice of pound cake? No, there’s a K-rate that could portend him actually hitting .245 in the big leagues and I wish he were a year younger, but nothing is spelling D-O-O-M.” And that’s me quoting me! I lurve me some Springer and he’s ownable in every league. My preseason projections for him were 52/19/71/.254/22, but that was with a full season at-bats. Now that he’s missed about two weeks, I’d cut off a few counting stats, but not much. He could be a 20/20 player. Go get him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The golf geeks will flock to Augusta this week for the year’s first Major, but who wants to watch a bunch of dudes in plaid pants chase after a ball with a crooked stick when we have this. While senior citizens everywhere gear up for an exciting week in golf, I’ll be settling in to watch my boy Justin Masterson today.

This is my first DraftKings post. The last time I bet on baseball I ended up in a Mexican prison with blue eye shadow on my face, plastic bags on my feet, and this tattoo. I’m still trying to figure out how to squeeze the ‘t’ in there. That’s right… Uncle Mike has a sorted past. One day we’ll gather for a game of Pinochle and I’ll tell you the tales. Hopefully we’ll win enough coin in DFS to cover the therapy bills. I’ll be here every Sunday (AKA the Lord’s Day) for all of your Sunday baseball gambling needs. *dodges lightning bolt*

If you’re new to DraftKings, check out Sky’s primer from earlier this year. Be sure to utilize the Stream-o-Nator and Hitter-Tron in addition to these daily posts. Speaking of the Stream-o-Nator, it loves Justin Masterson today to the tune of $18.4 (that’s good). I hate to beat up on the Twins and they did win yesterday, but Masterson is a nice arm in a favorable matchup at a fair price of $8,300. Here’s some other picks for the 4/6/2014 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

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Welcome to the second annual Razzball Keepers Top-100 list-a-roo. I capped it AND italicized it, because it’s just that special. (The 2013 Top-100 can be found here.)

Spoiler Alert! We’re doing things keeper league style, dynasty style… which ever nomenclature you prefer. Basically, if you hold onto players for more than a year, these are the rankings you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Whole life man. Seriously.

Remember, the process for this list is quite unique. Unlike Grey, I didn’t type half of it with my mustache. Also, this isn’t your list. It’s my list. So, yeah, I’ll love guys a lot more than you will. I’ll also love your mom. Or vica versa. It’s just the way it is. If you stuck me in a keeper this very instant, this is pretty much the list, in order, of who I’d personally want long term. Things like previous production, expected 2014 production, projections for 2015-2017,  future potential, positional-scarcity, and injury-risk are all things I bake into the rankings. Regardless, the big takeaway here is that I believe in the Oxford comma. And I guess a lot of comma’s in general. And short sentences. And baking. And female nudity. Word.

Note: I’ve only ranked players who have pitched at least one inning or had one at-bat in their MLB career, sans Masahiro Tanaka and Jose Abreu. Our prospect maven, Scott Evans, has the low down on all those MiLB guys I left out. Go check out his 2014 rankings (Top-25, Top-50), he won’t bite… I think.) 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

With the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings for every position done, we turn our lazy eye towards the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball. These 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are one part fresh and two parts to def. They own a cat, a dog and a lizard in a two bedroom apartment where pets aren’t allowed. Know why? Cause they don’t care! None of this top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball is meant to surprise. *jumping out of a closet* Boo! Now, that was meant to surprise. This top 100 is just taking my positional rankings and putting guys in The Big Picture. You really should read each ranking post because the blurbs in this top 100 are on the skimpy side because there’s so many of them, and I went over each one of these guys already. Obviously at a hundred players, some guys just didn’t make it. About 300, to be inexact. It’s okay; there will be a top 400 tomorrow. Shortly, Sloth, you’ll have your Baby Ruth. Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel. Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2014 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.” Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters. Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter! To help with your drafting, there’s also a list of players with multiple position eligibility. Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Today, we go over the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. Yesterday, we went over the top 20 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball. It will be a date which will live in…Well, it won’t live in infamy, so what’s the opposite of that? Famy? It will live in unfamy? That’s just ridiculous. What are you, the 7-Up guy? By the time you get to these outfielders, I’m sure you’ve drafted at least one outfielder. If you haven’t, wake from your slumber, Rip Van Schmucko, your draft is slipping away from you. There’s a lot of interesting names in this top 40. Jason Heyward is one interesting name. It was even more interesting when it was Jason “Future Superstar” Heyward. All of the 2014 fantasy baseball rankings are there. If you right click that and open it in a new tab, your car will get a free oil change (it won’t). Without further delay (there really wasn’t much delay, I mean, that was a short intro compared to most)… Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2014 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?