Fantasy Baseball Advice

Allow me an ignorant rant: If you are a baseball fan you know this is the most important time of the year outside of October. Interleague play has taken over MLB and it represents a very important part of baseball: the fans. The people who buy the $4 hot dogs and $8 beers. Sure you may think interleague play is just to sell tickets, but fans buy tickets! People love rivalries and when its time for the Arizona Diamondbacks to play the Kansas City Royals IN KANSAS CITY–well, as a fan I just need to be there. You can taste the bad blood between Willie Bloomquist and Billy Butler. And what fan isn’t in attendance or watching at home when the Mariners are taking on the Colorado Rockies. Hipsters and cowboys alike all watch with anticipation as these heated rivals duke it out. You can just tell Ichiro HATES Carlos Gonzalez, and you can cut that tension with a knife. Let’s not forget Cleveland and Miami duking it out to settle….Um……Well…Who gets LeBron back?

In all seriouslyness, there are some very cool rivalries taking place this weekend including the North and South sides of Chicago squaring off for the title of “Worst Baseball Team,” The Boston Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies try and decide whose fans are drunker and whose are more obnoxious? And clearly every Oriole in the clubhouse already hates Bryce Harper. So, there’s that.  Here’s what happened in fantasy baseball last night:  **Extra Special Interleague Edition**

Justin Verlander - Complete game 1-hit shutout, 12 Ks. Brought a no-no into the ninth, buh Josh Harrison broke it up with 2 outs left. Asked about the tough luck, Verlander shook it off and just stressed how great interleague play is. For the fans.

Delmon Young - Everyone (except Mel Gibson’s) favorite angry outfielder went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs. After the game, he was spotted getting his picture taken with the Hank Greenberg statue.

Paul Konerko – Hit a first inning HR off Jeff Samardzija. Jeff Samardzija came back out in the third and was all like, “Oh yeah? In yo’ face, Paul Konerko!” Literally, pitchslapping him. The injury sounds like it’s going to be just some minor bruising, i.e., Konerko should be fine. For seriouslyness, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy and I hope all is okay. At least he seems like a nice guy, I only read the box scores.

Addison Reed – Got his 4th save. 4-for-4 in save opportunities since taking the job, that one 6 ER Kazaam! has been his only misstep. Reed is the man for now.

Kerry Wood – Ended his career this afternoon by striking out the only batter he faced. It was 19 off from his career high, but whatevs we’ll let it slide. Finishes his career with a 10.3 strikeouts per 9.0 IP rate, 2nd in ML history. He left to a standing ovation and a hug with his sonny. It was such a nice moment, it made Cubs fan forget how bad he’s been this season. Ahhhh, warm embraces with father and son and interleague matchups, this is what baseball is about people.

J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs, 2 HRs. His third straight game with homer run! ALL HE DOES IS HIT HOME RUNS! Is your fantasy team in need of home runs!? Need a catcher? Why not pick up J.P. Arencibia!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs and 4 RBis. Not sure why I’m telling you, you don’t own him anyway.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-2 with a HR as the Jays absolutely crushed the Mets putting up 14 runs. Grey covered Gomes yesterday. If he continues hitting, and more importantly, playing, Yanny the singer/songwriter/baseball player could be a sneaky add with his catcher eligibility. He also plays a number of positions (none very well I read). Make sure you monitor closely.

Andy Pettitte- Yankees combined to shutout the Reds. Pettitte pitch 8 IP with 9 K. Wow. Might be worth a look, he gets the Royals next week. Pettitte added that he agreed with Justin Verlander about how awesome interleague play is…for the fans.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run. Still one more than Albert! Robbie, Robbie getting hits like it’s his hobby. No–like it’s his jobby! It’s actually his jobby.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with just his 3rd home run. I’m sure that .273 average should go up well above .300 but I’m not sure Adrian is the 30+ home run player we all once thought he was. 25 seems more realistic. I say this because he’s on my team and I’m in my 5th stage: acceptance.

Martin Prado – 2-for-4 with a HR and 3 runs. Now has a 10 game hitting streak and 6 straight multi-hit games. Martin Bravo is more like it! Right?!

Edwin Jackson – 8.0 innings pitched 1 ER with 8 Ks but the Nats can’t muster any offense and lose in extra innings with a Nick Markakis Sparkakis. Oh, but the K’s, the glorious Ks! I’m not sorry, Mr. Jackson, I’ll take this fantasy start any day of the week.

Heath Bell – Pitched a clean 9th inning to get his 4th save. If you still own Cishek or Mujica it may be safe to drop now. Carlos Zambrano earned his second straight win 7.0 IP, 2 ER, 2 K. Ozzie Guillen loves Carlos Zambrano magic, he said he reminds him of a young Fidel Castro. No wait–Heath Bell said that. Will he lose the closer’s job now!?

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-3 and 2 RBIs with his 8th HR. Yo, Adrian! You did it. (I promise that’ll be my only Rocky joke.) Josh Hamilton stole a base, but went homer-less. Pathetic.  You can’t win, Hamilton!  (Sorry.)

Krispie Young – Returned from DL to DH and went 1-for-4 with a 2 run double. It’s good to have Krispie back, he is good at baseball (*Pro Tip!). His BFF Justin Upton (they are best friends in my mind, at least) went 2-for-3 with 3 runs. J-Ups is slowly but surely making me feel better for drafting him so high, he’s just happy to have his best friend back.

Kevin Millwood –  Complete game 2-hit shutout of Rockies at Coors. His complete game first in 9 years! He struck out 7.  Prince, “He’s pitching like it’s 1999.”

Ryan Braun – 3-for-4 with the slam and legs and a side of mash (3 hits!). Mmmmm, breakfast food!

Denard Span – 4-for-5 with 3 runs and 3 RBIs in his return from a hamstring injury. Pretty good, I guess but I’d be more impressed if he stole a base, too. The Twins owned this game as Joe Mauer, Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau all chipped in multi-hit efforts. Grey was right! Those Twins are hot-hitting! PICK UP ALL THE TWINS!  Except Dozier.  Snooze.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4 with a stolen base and a triple. If you are fishing for a compliment, Mike Trout, no need. You are quite the catch. That Albert, however, 1-for-4, still sort of floundering.

Jered Weaver – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 Ks as Weaver rebounded huge after last week’s 8 ER debacle. I guess you don’t have to drop him anymore. Scott Downs came in this game in the 8th, and was replaced with Ernesto Frieri in the 9th after the Angels scored 3 runs. Not sure what to make of this yet, hopefully just Mike being a Sciosciapath and he removed Downs because it was no longer a save opportunity. Think of the fantasy owners, Mike!  Or maybe Mike was removing Downs from the closer role because Downs hadn’t done anything, like Walden before him.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3 with 2 runs in a high scoring game with very few fantasy implications with Buster Posey out. Anyone own Angel Pagan? He had 3 runs!

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5 with a home run. Wait. Who is this?

Matt Holliday – 1-for-3 with a 2-run home run. It was Holliday’s 9th home run as the Cards lost to the Kemp-less Dodgers. Lance Lynn pitched 6.0, 9 hits, 4 ER, and 5 Ks. Double L, It was fun while it lasted.

Lance Berkman – Pinch hit HR in the 9th to tie it as the Big Puma, baseball’s resident super hero BerkMAN saves the day only to be foiled by his arch nemesis Fernando Salas (0.1 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 3 BB).

Jason Heyward is the kind of player I love in OPS leagues. He draws a lot of walks and hits enough extra-base hits to raise his OPS league value well above that captured in standard 5×5 leagues. Following his manager-ordered off-year in 2011, J-Hey appears to be himself again. While his BB% is below and his K% is above his career averages, I’m not worried and view it largely due to a more aggressive approach since he’s currently hitting everything in sight. Expecting an .850 OPS this year is not unreasonable, considering he did just that in 2010, at the age of 20! I’ll conservatively project a line of .370/.460/.830 for the rest of this season, with upside for a little OBP and much more slugging.

Matt Holliday has always been a reliable .900 OPS player, but this year I’m worried. Yes, a regression in his BABIP will improve his overall line, but there are many reasons for concern. First, his speed is nonexistent, as evidenced by his 2012 speed score of 1.4, also known as Bengie Molina’s career average. Next, his O-Swing% and O-Contact% are well above his career averages, meaning he is swinging at and making more contact with pitches outside the strike zone. Finally, he is walking at roughly half his career rate. Small sample caveats aside, this year Holliday is slower, less patient, and making worse contact. Best case scenario, I’d project a rest of season line at .370/.490/.860, which is still great. However, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him struggle to maintain his end of season OPS above .800.

Eric Hosmer was about as hyped as they come this year, and rightly so. He breezed through the minor leagues and maintained an OPS near .800 as a 21-year-old rookie. Despite currently having an OPS near .700, there are reasons for optimism. Relative to 2011, his BB% increased while his K% has held constant. Additionally, he’s hitting a similar percentage of line drives, flyballs, and groundballs relative to 2011. These factors suggest that his extremely low BABIP, may be contributing to his struggles. This leads me to project Hosmer to have an OPS above last year’s .800 for the rest of the season. I would count on a .350/.470/.820 line, with upside for .360/.500/.860 if he turns things around soon. Even if his struggles continue, I promise you this year Hosmer will not have a bigger bust than Billy Butler. Speaking of who’s got the moobs like Butler…

Pablo Sandoval is always hungry for more. Kung Fu Panda has been a high OPS player throughout his career and this year appears to be no different. He’s an interesting kind of high OPS player because he doesn’t have a relatively high walk rate, but his excellent batting average props up his OBP to respectable levels. His slugging, aside from his down year in 2010, has been elite and I see no reason for this to change. He seems to be as safe as they come in OPS leagues, with a baseline near .350/.550/.900. An OPS of .900 would rank him atop the league leaders and is particularly valuable at third base, where he would likely trail only Miguel Cabrera and Jose Bautista.

Chase Headley has been taking a walk on the mild side. Over 20% of his plate appearances have resulted in a walk this year, representing a tremendous increase from 11.8% in 2011 and his career average near 10%. In addition, he is swinging less at and making less contact with pitches outside the strike zone. I believe these numbers indicate some real improvement in patience at the plate and Headley will be able to maintain his OBP around .370, which he sustained last year. Clearly his .600 slugging is far from sustainable, and largely a product of a HR/FB above 25%, but I could see a slight improvement from his career average of .400 slugging. For the rest of the season, I’ll project a .370/.400/.770 as the floor, with room for some improvement in slugging.

David Ortiz’s hits don’t lie. The Latin 36-year-old has been a bright spot amid the slow start by the Red Sawks. Though he lacks positional flexibility (or any flexibility for that matter), he is a fantastic asset in an OPS league. His insanely high OPS is largely being driven by a BABIP near .500. Once this regresses, I believe he will still be able to approach his 2010 numbers. Since arriving at Fenway, Big (Grand) Papi has only had one year (2009) without an OPS near or above .900. I see no reason for this year to be any different, despite my annual concerns about his age. I’d conservatively project a line of .360/.500/.860 for the rest of the season, with upside for much more slugging. Speaking of players who continually elude Father Time…

Paul Konerko has been in the catbird seat waiting for duck snorts, or whatever Hawk’s been saying. I’ve given up understanding how, after posting an OPS below .850 from 2007-09, he’s produced an OPS above .900 since 2010. Despite being a non-Latin 36-year-old, Konerko is off to a roaring start this year. His near 1.000 OPS is aided by a high BABIP, although I’m confident he’ll remain an exceptional player when this regresses. I’ll keep my eye on his BB%, which is less than his last couple years, but he probably isn’t worried about walking when everything he makes contact with falls for a hit. I’ll project him to approach last year’s numbers for the rest of the season with a .380/.500/.880 baseline that could result in more slugging while he resides at the fountain of youth.

You smell that?  No, not your armpits.  That’s Opening Day.  The real thing this time!  I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee.   I love you!  I want to touch baseball’s boobies!  They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!  I am gushing over baseball’s boobies!  Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue.  Good call, Random Italicized Voice.  Embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences?  It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management.  “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors.  You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!”  That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid.  (The last part isn’t a lie.  You can use Google, if you don’t believe me.  I understand; the Internet made me cynical too.  I blame you, Al Gore!)  Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences.  Where’d they put the center field fence?  Cuba?  It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park.  They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences.  You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita.  We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium.  I got one idea, Unicornco.  Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third.  Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal.  This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball.  Old players get off to fast starts.  I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet.  Their legs are still fresh.  You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc.  There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run.  A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth.  I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.

Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks.  Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57.  Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits.  Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd.  Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.

Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.

Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers.  Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer.  Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer.  To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what?  Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game.  He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty.  It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there.  Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.

Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.”  And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.”  The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern.  I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?

Sean Rodriguez – Named the Rays starting shortstop…. And he’ll probably be benched at least twice a week unless he becomes a hot schmotato.

Jed Lowrie – Astros’ GM said he would wait until Friday to decide on whether or not he was going to DL Lowrie.  Sounds like even the Astros’ GM doesn’t own Lowrie in fantasy.

Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter.  Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.

Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago.  This is ridiculous.  The season’s started already, name someone!  No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him.  As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain.  I have little to no confidence in that order.  So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”

Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind.  First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster.  Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads.  Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one.  Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.  The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.  Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.  2012 Projections:  70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)”  And that’s me getting very excited about Belt!  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting.  I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that.  Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  Why are you now patting my butt?  (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan.  Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games.  I just don’t like their announcers.  And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams.  I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts.  He just seems so underappreciated.  No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers:  87/7/36/.259/49

22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it.  You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year.  Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8

23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12

24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year?  I’m like butter with the ER.  Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4

25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining.  2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers:  95/17/61/.279/19

26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline.  Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40

27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps.  Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step?  We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals.  I love Mike Stanton.  Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers:  79/34/87/.262/5

28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping.  Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240.  Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers:  92/15/44/.243/40

29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me.  Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way.  He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well.  Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40

30. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year.  How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya?  And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back!  Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart.  Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year.  So maybe a small boo-ya.  Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7

32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years.  He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers:  83/22/75/.296/2

33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9

34. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything.  Versatile but boring.  Kinda like brown slacks.  I will now call him Markhakis.  Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers:  72/15/73/.284/12

36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player.  You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May.  Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick.  Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers:  69/19/75/.277/13

37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason.  On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19

38. Mark Trumbo – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason.  January Grey, “It was a dark time.”  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers:  89/20/71/.236/22

40. Juan Pierre – Ha!  He was a top 40 outfielder?  Oh, c’mon.  Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable.  He was unownable for huge stretches of the season.  2 homers and 27 steals?  Seriously, c’mon.  I mean, c’mon c’mon.  C’mon!  I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers:  80/2/50/.279/27

Jered Weaver will not make his final start of the year because he doesn’t care about your H2H team.  Weaver ends the season with a line of 18-8/2.41/1.01/198.  If you throw out three bad starts, his ERA would’ve been 1.72 in 220 innings, but if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts no one would ever leave the bathroom.  Verlander’s gonna win the Cy Young, shizz is foregone.  Put it in an envelope and hand it to your mail carrier so he can steam it open and check it for cash.  Either way, let’s look at what Weaver did this year.  Mullet over, if you will.  Weaver was better last year.  Blunt is as blunt does right there.  His K-rate, xFIP and hair were all better.  His K-rate this year was right in line with past rates, if you exclude 2010.  For now, last year looks like the outlier for Ks.  Also, batters made contact with his pitches inside the strike zone at a higher rate than last year and hitters weren’t as fooled by pitches outside the strike zone.  In the end, he’s not going to be terrible in 2012; it’s just a repeat of 2011 seems unlikely, unless Superman circles the earth a few hundred times.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Sitting out the last two games with a sore hamstring.  What’s this, the last few days of senior year and he’s already going to his safety school?  Play the games!

Alex Gonzalez – Left the game after aggravating his calf.  That’s the last time he says he likes his hamstring better.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 as he hit two homers yesterday.  That hit the spot in one of my leagues.  It was like the Kool-Aid man crashing through your wall and yelling “Oh, yeah!” then spackling the hole over because no one wants a giant hole in their wall.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Ended the season with a 4.55 ERA.  Crapuano was pretttay, pretttay mediocre.

Jeanmar Gomez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Watching this game yesterday I felt like everyone screaming at Rocky to throw in the towel to save Apollo’s life.  Jesus effin’ Montero, they had to let Gomez give up eight earned with no lifeline?  Throw him a freakin’ bone and pull him from the G-d damn game!  Fantasy baseball:  When real life stress isn’t enough.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Done for the year.  Back date this to last Thursday when I thought he was done for the year.

Prince Fielder – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Then the soon-to-be free agent, Prince, changed his name to a symbol — $.

Howie Kendrick – Left the game with a sprained wrist.  He’s day-to–Oh, yeah, today’s the last day.  Didn’t the season just start?  I’m sad.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer.  Member when he was the meow’s cat early in the season?  Oh, those were the days.  It was warm out!  You had more hair!  Okay, now for another friendly reminder — grab everyone on the Braves, Cardinals, Rays and Red Sox.  If there’s a one game playoff, you want to be the one with these guys, not the schmohawk you’re trying to beat.

Matt Holliday – Pulled from the game because of his injured middle finger.  Some of his owners might have a healthy middle finger for him.

Allen Craig – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and a homer as he replaced Holliday.  Yeah, I’d even grab Craig for that potential one day playoff game.

Tyler Flowers – Hit two homers in the last two games.  It’s too late for this year, but please, White Sox, do the right thing and give him a chance to play.  I’m begging here.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-3 with 3 Ks, bringing his average to .159.  Elias Sports Bureau said there’s never been a player that hit less than half his weight until Adam Dunn.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was heard around the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Terry, in Human Resources, broke the previous record of seventeen with how many times someone’s blamed a fart on a ceiling fan.”

Justin Upton – After being hit in the head by a pitch on Sunday, he returned to the lineup yesterday and was hit in the face by a fly ball.  In the playoffs, Upton will wear a glove on his head.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Okay, start the hype machine for next year.

Mike Morse – For his 30th homer on Monday, Livan bought him a bottle of Cristal.  Yesterday, Morse hit his 31st homer.  For that, Livan gave him a lap dance.

Mike Napoli – Two homers yesterday vs. his old club, and specifically his old manager who never played him.  That revenge had to feel sweet for Napoli.  Remember, never get involved in a land war in Asia and never go against Napoli when pride is on the line.  He takes 28 homers, and even more remarkably, a .317 average into the final game of the season.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with a slam & legs to finally get him to 30/30.  This quest for 30/30 reminded me of an actor doing a movie for a paycheck.  30/30 is Kinsler’s Little Fockers.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run.  That gives him 29 homers and 98 RBIs on the year.  This blew Rudy’s mind yesterday on IM.  “You see Willingham’s almost at 30/100?”  “Yeah, I saw.” “I have nothing else to say about that.”  “Neither do I.”

Ryan Lavarnway – With Salty and Varitek banged up, Lavarnway got the start and hit two homers yesterday.  Similarly to Tyler Flowers, I’d love to see Lavarnway get a starting job next year.  Do it for all of Ryan’s fans.  You know, the Lavarnwayians.  Who are not related to Damon, Marlon, Kim, Keenan, Elvira, Michael, Kyla, Bella, Shawn, Damien (have I mentioned Damien yet?), Daphne, Jolie, Bella, Nadia, Shawn Howell, Chaunté and Craig.

Marco Scutaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, home run, hitting near .400 in September.  What-what?!  Actually the what-what was what I just mentioned.

Chris Parmelee – 2-for-4 with a homer and in the same game Tosoni hit a grand slam.  Parmelee and Tosoni?  Sounds like rejected cast members of The Jersey Shore.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I feel like every year drafting Delmon is like falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-tailpipe.

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sweet… if I didn’t start Jeanmar and Blake Beavan.

Javier Vazquez – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He only pitched this well to end the season because I dropped him in all of my leagues three months ago.  Oh, and I blame Steve Bartman too.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-3 with his 40th steal.  I’m in the process of writing up top 20 recaps that will be on the site next week.  You wanna know one guy that really surprised me?  Steve Lombardozzi.  No, Random Italicized Voice, not Steve Lombardozzi.  Emilio Bonifacio.  Didn’t realize what a great year he ended up having.  I mean, I should.  I only wrote 1500 words a day about fantasy baseball for the last 6 months.  Imagine I wrote all of that in a spiral notebook.  You’d have me committed.  It’s all about the medium!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 16 homers and 30 steals.  You know, you could’ve done worse at shortstop.  Hanley comes to mind.  He would’ve been worse.  On a side note, I wonder if the Phils don’t want the Braves in the playoffs or they’re just doing the honorable thing by playing their regulars.  I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Joe Blanton – Will start the season finale for the Phillies, which will set up their rotation perfectly for Blanton to return to pitch Game 6 of the NLDS.