Fantasy Baseball Advice

Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint.  Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer.  If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.”  “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain.  If that’s even your real name.”  With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously.  Google it.”  *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate*  Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue.  He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout.  If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm.

Garrett Jones – So far in July (around a .200 average) it looks like someone left Robot Jones out in the rain, but yesterday he hit his 2nd homer in five games.

Roy Oswalt – He left his start after taking a liner off his ankle.  Here’s another vote for cankles.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.  Oswalt didn’t immediately leave the game because his head’s obviously harder than his ankles.  He should make his next start.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with his 2nd steal in three games.  For those hurting for steals, SAGNOF!

Jhonny Peralta – Hit an inside the park home run that took 16.74 seconds or slower than 5 average home run trots, according to the Home Run Tracker.  It’s obviously not easy carrying around that extra H.

Kerry Wood – Hit the DL with a blister.  Now the Indians will be lucky to trade him for $24 in trinkets.  Chris Perez is the pickup.

Alex Sanabia – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Alex, or Alejandro as he’s known within the Gaga community, is crazy raw.  So far he’s had two starts against the Nats and Diamondhacks and he’s averaging just over 4 innings per start.  At 21-years-old, I wouldn’t go near him outside of NL-Only leagues for now.  That could change.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wondering if you should get Wood?  He gets the Astros next.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first home run of the season while batting .462 on the Blue Kays.  Thank God for those Canadian exchange rates!

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t voice this on the blog, but I was worried about Marcum returning from his elbow issue.  Looks like I was just being paranoid.  Who said that?!

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and two homers.  I feel like every year I drafted Weeks and he was hurt has made this year possible.  Unfortunately, I don’t own him this year.  Thanks, Weeks.  I will now walk into traffic.

Trevor Hoffman – Could someone sneak into Miller Park and put blinking lights around the “596 Saves” banner so I can pretend there’s a reason I’m holding onto Hoffman?

Corey Hart – Word on the streets of the Tony Gwynn Rotunda is the Padres are interested in Corey Hart.  SELL!!!

Matt Diaz – 3-for-4 and his third homer.  Yes, it was off a lefty.  Yes, it’s that simple.

Jack Cust – Hit his third homer in the last four games.  Grab while hot.  Cust homerin’.

Vin Mazzaro – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Carlos Pena – 6 for his last 10 with 2 homers.  Is it me or has he hit his 20 homers in, like, 4 games?  Either way, he’s hot and will probably get to 25 homers by next Sunday.

David Price – 5 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  If you risked starting him vs. the Yankees, you paid the Price.

Andy Pettitte – Could be out for a month as he heads to the DL with a Grade 1 groin strain.  I didn’t strain my groin until Grade 7.

A.J. Burnett – Hurt his hand bursting through the clubhouse doors, after originally saying that he hurt his hand while smashing a cream pie into Swisher’s face.  Guess he was trying to impress his mom, Carol.

Vicente Padilla – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K.  I know it seems against everything you believe in, but you really should pick up Padilla.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hopes to return on Friday.  Wasn’t he supposed to be out for the rest of the season?  I have a feeling South Korea mentioned to Choo that he has military obligations if he’s not playing baseball.

Brian Roberts – Who?  Oh!  Brian Roberts, that’s right.  I think he plays 2nd base or something.  Juan Samuel, the guy they’re calling manager for now, says Roberts will return in less than 2 weeks.  If he was dropped, then take a flyer that Roberts returns at seventy-five percent.  I’m guessing it will be closer to fifty though.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal in the last four games.  He’s batting over .500 in the last week.  All aboard!

Jose Reyes – Last week, the Mets said Reyes wouldn’t return until he was 100% pain-free.  Now Reyes is set to return on Monday.  Does this mean Reyes is 100% pain-free or are the Mets a bunch of jokers?

Josh Beckett – Set to return on Friday.  Geez, were him and Brad Penny sharing doctors like they used to share Alyssa Milano?  I’d grab Beckett if he’s out there, but I wouldn’t start him in his first start back.

Scott Kazmir – To the DL with shoulder fatigue.  The shoulder had no comment, but it was seen waving a white flag.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.  Napoli generates more questions than any player about whether or not people should drop him.  I’m at a loss on how to communicate to you that you should just put a catcher, namely Napoli, in your catcher spot and let him be.  Ron Popeil said it best, “Set it and forget it.”  Obviously it’s my fault why people continue to ask whether they should drop Napoli.  So my question to you, loyal Razzball reader, is how do I communicate it better?  I can give you stats.  Napoli leads all major league catchers in homers.  On ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s a top five catcher for the season.  Oh, and his Mom once showed nipple to a room of people.  (Google “Mike Napoli” + Mom.  You’re welcome.)  What more do you need?  Help me help you.

Chris Denorfia – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  I once dated a girl named Chris Denorfia.  That’s kinda weird.

Mat Latos – To the DL.  This was overheard this weekend in San Diego, “We have to skip Latos’ start to limit his workload, but then we’ll be left a man short.  Unless we were to enter his dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream and tell him to say he hurt his oblique while sneezing.”

In the clubhouse after last night’s game, the Nats watched as ESPN reported Strasburg wasn’t pitching until Friday so there was nothing to talk about.  Nothing to say about Adam Dunn.  Nothing to say about that Zimmerman guy.  Josh Will-something… They couldn’t even remember his name.  The team stopped watching the highlights, upset they were nothing but Anthony Edwards to Strasburg’s Clooney.  Knowing something had to be done, Dunn left the clubhouse as he always had – by reaching up, removing the ceiling and climbing out.  Then he jumped on the back of a blue ox and circled the globe until time rewound to before the game.  Dunn then went out and hit his 18th, 19th and 20th homers while rocking a .280 average on the year.  Now after the game, ESPN reported Dunn hit 3 homers, specifying it came just two days prior to Strasburg’s next start.  Dunn shrugged, it was a start as he ripped the blue ox’s leg off and had dinner.  Hee-haw!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Desmond – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 6 homers and 6 steals on the year.  Ever heard of the slow boat to China?  Yeah, Desmond’s on the slow boat to 12/12.

Todd Helton – Placed on the DL with a sore back.  He needs his Bond girl, Miss Aja Chair.

Brad Eldred – 3-for-4, 3 Runs.  Was called up in the wake of Helton’s old age.  Eldred has monster power and a poor average.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him for the chance at lightning in a bottle.  I’d say grab him in mixed leagues too, but he may not see all the playing time over Giambi.  Depends how quickly Giambi’s defense and fragility (<–hey, it’s Italian!) expose themselves.

Dexter Fowler – A three-run homer as he showed that Fowler power.

Chris Iannetta – 3 games, 3 homers.  As if it needs to be said, but this is not good for Miguel Olivo.

Matt Garza – Picked up the save.  Soriano had pitched four days in a row so Maddon opted for Garza on his throw day.  Or maybe Maddon owns Hellickson in a keeper and wants to see Garza get hurt.  Hard to say.

David Price – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hopefully he doesn’t need to close out Sunday’s game.

Marc Rzepczynski – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in The RZE’s return from a fractured finger.  Shame on a finga!  The consonant monger had a great K-rate in the minors and is worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.

Delmon Young – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while suffering a sprained wrist.  Delmon said his wrist should be F-I-N-E, fine.  He spelled it out gangsta-style.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with a homer.  I yawned while I typed his name.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his third homer in two games.  Think it’s safe to get him back in the lineup now.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now leads the majors with a 1.70 ERA.  C’mon, Marlins, trade him for some prospects, you know you wanna.

Mike Stanton – 2nd game in a row with a homer.  Definitely can mollywhop with the best of them, but he can be a drain on average for this year.

Dan Uggla – 3-for-3 as he hits .285 on the year.  Bet you’re glad you avoided him in March with his terrible average.

Casey Kotchman – 2 homers yesterday as he emphatically answered the question, “Is Casey Kotchman retired, playing 1st for the M’s or in the minors?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K as the Fister/Johnson battery made Mariner fans wince.

Chad Qualls – I see your confidence Kirk Gibson and I raise you an inning thrown and three runs given up.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hey, at least he didn’t need 149 pitches.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Whoever the pitching coach was in Triple-A who fixed Scherzer, he might think about applying for a job in the big leagues.

Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers.  Let’s hope he doesn’t work out with Wieters in the offseason.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer.  He also has 17 steals.  Incredibly, Torres is headed for a 10/30 year.  That is all… But that should be enough.

Carlos Lee – For the 2nd straight day, Lee and his “I’m too old for this shizz” brother in arms, Berkman homered.

Jayson Nix – Now with his 5th homer in 5 games.  Maybe Nix hired Marcus Giles as his strength and conditioning coach.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 more homers in Coors.  Hey, I know that one… 2007 Matt Holliday, right?  Cool impersonation!

Jake Peavy – To the DL and off to see Dr. Freeze, but this doesn’t affect anyone who reads Razzball because I told you to avoid Peavy this year.  What?  You didn’t listen?  Aw, that’s a sad story.  Here’s a tissue.  Taking over for Peavy, will be D-Hud.  To see my Daniel Hudson fantasy, click that thingamabobber.

Carlos Quentin – Could be out until Friday with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Aaron Hill – Was out with a stomach virus.  Interestingly enough, his owners haven’t been able to stomach him all year.

Martin Prado – 2 homers yesterday, now has 10 homers on the year with a .336 average and 61 Runs.  Yeah, he’s going to be overrated next year.

Matt Diaz – Hit a homer.  Sure, it was off Gimme Moyer, but, more importantly, what is Gimme?  *taps finger, cracks neck, yawns*  He’s a lefty!  Diaz eats lefties for breakfast.

Shane Victorino – Hit his 13th homer yesterday to keep pace with Ryan Howard, who hit his 16th.  Now if Howard had 17 steals to match Victorino, they’d be close in fantasy value.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In 303 1/3 innings over the last three years, he has a 3.06 ERA in the 2nd half.  Okay, that’s the last time I’m mentioning it (until he pitches well again).

Jonathan Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could make the case that Niese is having a better season than Pelfrey.  If I were to make that case, I’d talk about K-rate and xFIP.  That’s if I were to make that case.

Sean Gallagher – Pirates received Gallagher for cash.  The unconfirmed cash figure was seventeen dollars, but the Pirates had a Has-Been Prospect coupon.  If you’re going to pick up Gallagher, you better put on a raincoat because he can get messy when he takes a mallet to your team’s ERA/WHIP.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

How about them White Sox?!  Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week.  One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy.  Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury.  Another piece, Alex Rios.  I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago. He’s batting a cool .156 for the Sox with one homer and one steal.  Those stats are also known as Less Than What Drew Stubbs Did Any Day This Week.  You drafted Rios pretty high, I’m sure.  It didn’t work out.  Holding him is compounding your mistake. Anyway, here’s so other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

When doctors said Aaron Harang is going to have a useless part of his body removed, everyone in the Reds clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Willy Taveras doing in Harang’s body?”  If Dusty were a doctor, he would left Harang’s appendix in a few more innings.  The appendectomy will force Harang to the DL for the rest of the season.  Too bad, the Reds just traded for Rolen and things were really starting to come together.  Feel free to cut Harang.  He’s done-zo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Dickerson – Headed to the DL with a whatever-you-don’t-care.  What you do care about, the Reds might call up Chris Heisey.  He’ll be talked about in the afternoon post where I break down the potential September call-ups.

Adam Jones – He hurt his back while swinging the bat.  He’s been terrible so far in August and now it sounds like he’ll be missing a few games at least.  Cue an awkward dancing Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny Devito and turn on the Billy Ocean…

Scott Downs – Returns from the DL on Monday.  Will he be the closer?  Here’s what Gaston said, “I’m not sure about closing. I’m not sure about that. We’ll see how it goes. If he got here tomorrow and I said we’re going to stick him in the closer’s spot right away, I’m not sure if that’s fair to him either.”  That is both wishy and washy.

Mark Reynolds – DNP with a 100-degree temperature.  Get well soon, Mini Donkey!

Carlos Gonzalez – Out for up to a week after he cut his hand while cutting a piece of steak.  Can’t they get Spilborghs to cut up his meat for him?  After Barmes’s vension accident a few years ago, maybe the Rockies should go vegetarian during the summer months.  Or only use chopsticks.  Crab rangoon is delicious!

Seth Smith – With CarGo’s inability to handle a knife, Smith might see some short term time.  He also has 2 homers in the last three games.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  If you owned only Rockie pitchers, you’d probably be doing better than you are in your leagues.  Zoinks!

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  He’s actually had a full month of decent starts.  Not great, decent.  Check your modifiers, Razzball reader.

Jhonny Peralta – HR yesterday as he bats near .400 over the last week.  Let me pull out my lukewarm endorsement…. If you really need an MI, what the hey?

Matt Diaz – 4-for-4 yesterday.  It’s Dye-as.  Usually only hits lefties, currently hitting everyone.

Pedro Martinez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  I swear, I keep thinking to myself he’s going 5 IP, 3 ER or 6 IP, 4 ER.  I’m like the quiet psychic.  This Fall on Fox, turn up the volume and watch as he solves mysteries while speaking just above a whisper… Robert Carlyle is The Quiet Psychic.

Angel Pagan – 2 HRs yesterday.  See, there is a reason he was nominated for the Henry Aaron Award!

Jayson Werth – Hit his 29th homer yesterday.  You gotta love when your third outfielder pans out.  I know the feeling, I own Raul Ibanez on a few teams. (Though he’s been cold lately.)  Third outfielders panning out make me horny!  *Awkward silence at Razzball.com*  Did Grey just say third outfielders… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Ricky Nolasco – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners.  Here’s the deal, Nolasco.  And I’m gonna break it down to you real simple like Jeff Foxworthy.  One terrible game like the stinker vs. the Astros when you gave up 10 earned runs in just over three innings.  That’s forgivable because you came back and pitched a complete game the next game.  But when you follow that up with another stinker, you become unpredictable and harder to start.  Thanks for listening, Nolasco.  I’m glad we had this talk.

Alcides Escobar – Hit his first homer yesterday.  After he crossed home, I screamed at the TV, “I have guys to hit homers.  Steal a frickin’ base, doode!”

Adam Dunn – Hit his 33rd homer yesterday.  If he doesn’t get to 40, Stephen Hawking will press a button on his Speak & Spell and blow up the Earth.  Just so you know what we’re up against.

Drew Stubbs – He looks so lost at the plate, it’s kinda comical.  Still has speed, will have bumps.

Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I’m glad he pitched a good game… Actually, I don’t care.  What am I, his hypenate nephew-slash-personal assistant?  No, I’m not.  He gets the Dodgers next.  Blech.

Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks.  Easily his best start of the year.  I still can’t get fully behind starting him, but if you need to take some risk, then go for it.

Bud Norris – 1 IP, 6 ER as he roofied his owners.  When thinking about starting a rookie, see Example A:  Norris’s line.

Jake Fox – 4-for-4, HR yesterday.  Can an AL team trade for him this winter?  Please.  I’d like to own him in the fantasy, but non-Biblical way.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  Right side of the brain, Dempster beat the NL-best Dodgers yesterday.  Left side of the brain, Dempster lost to the Padres last time out.  So his next start vs. the Mets is a good thing or a bad thing?  Damn conflicting sides of the brain!

John Smoltz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners and 9 Ks vs. Padres.  If only the Red Sox played in Petco…  Smoltz gets the Nats next time out.  I’d roll the dice for another start, then reevaluate.

Jack Cust – 2 HRs yesterday.  Cust is hitting near .500 in the last week with three homers.  Few hitters get as streaky as Cust (though A-Rod comes close right after he gets out of the salon and has his frosted tips done).