Fantasy Baseball Advice

WWJDH – When Will Jesus DH?  Today.  Jesus Montero is being called up.  Today is baseball’s Easter.  The Yankee DH spot is no longer the lineup leper.  Or is it?  I’m not sure the Yankees are going to play Montero every day as their DH.  They may just play him vs. lefties.  He’s more than capable.  In Triple-A this year, 17 homers and a .289 average.  What makes him really appealing to those that aren’t just Jesus freaks is his position eligibility.  If you’re in a two catcher league, he’s worth the flyer.  Conservatively, I wouldn’t expect more than 3 homers and a good average.  In the big picture, it’s mostly hype for this year.  In keepers, he’s probably already owned, and, if he’s not, he should be.  The real positive is while most Yankees will be resting in September for the postseason, Jesus should be able to show off his bat and frankincense.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – May have a serious shoulder injury that may require surgery.  In an O. Henry twist, Logan Morrison will be performing the surgery.  Hanley may not even be ready at the start of 2012.  Maybe he’s Mayan.  If this is true, not sure where Hanley will be drafted next year, but this is a blow, i.e., this blows, i before e except in Teixeira, Hanley will fall at least a half dozen rounds kinda like Chase Utley did this year.  If you have Hanley in keepers, you need to start thinking about whether it makes sense to keep him.  Then take a quaalude and reevaluate when the news gets confirmed.

Matt Diaz – Was traded back to the Braves.  Diaz is about as useful in mixed leagues as he is in a mixed salad.  Speaking of food, I watch a lot of terrible reality TV but perhaps the worst show of them all is Hell’s Kitchen.  These chefs are supposed to be competing for head chef job at BLT Steak.  Forget that, I can’t imagine any of them making a good BLT.

Devin Mesoraco – The Reds saw the Yankees’ top catching prospect and called with their own.  At Triple-A this year, Mesoraco had 15 homers and a .289 average.  I actually like Mesoraco better than Montero for next year simply because no one knows if the Yankees will ever give The Deity playing time.  For this year, Mesoraco may not see enough playing time for mixed leagues and, even if he does, he’s gonna give you what in a month?  3 homers and a good average.  I see your eh, and I raise you a meh.  In two catcher leagues, you do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll meet somewhere in the middle with Monie and Malcolm.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and two homers.  Now has 14 homers and a .278 average in 417 ABs.  At the age of 21, this has been a solid intro into the league.  Much better than the Royals’ previous first basemen crapbucket.  Even better than his Big Fat Greek Teammate, but it’s still early for both of them.  Hopefully they keep taking steps forward unlike Alex Gordon, who took steps forward, then back, then to the side then slide, slide.

Mike Gonzalez – The Rangers acquired the lefty reliever as they try and make each game 4 innings long.  This also helps the Rangers goal to have every Gonzalez and Rodriguez in MLB play for them at some point.

Jake Peavy – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  How much of a pay cut you think Peavy would take to pitch again in Petco?  60%?  75%?

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Held out of the lineup with general soreness.  General Soreness is his interpreter/bodyguard.

Scott Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 16 years after her death.  She had sass, but not that much, I guess.

Jason Kubel – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last two games… *yawn*  Sorry, who was I talking about?  Oh, yeah, Jason Kubel– *snooze* Wow, I might need an afternoon nap.  So who was I saying is currently hot?  Oh, yeah, Jason– *conked out*

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  In August, his ERA was 2.30, which includes one massacre (vs. Astros 6 2/3 IP, 6 ER).  He can’t seem to escape those occasional sharts.

Jesus Guzman – 3-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Now hitting .330 in 182 ABs with 5 homers.  For those who saw this coming raise your hand.  Now everyone with their hand up that is related to Jesus Guzman, lower your hand.  You don’t count.  You’re like Bud Fox with insider info about Blue Star.

Jhoulys Chacin – Because of swollen tonsils he’ll miss his start in San Diego.  I think I’m facing his tonsils this week in H2H.

Jason Bay – The Mets announced they think Bay can play center field next year on a regular basis and they love his leadership and positive clubhouse presence.  They also said they’d trade him for a bag of Funyuns.

Edwin Encarnacion – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  This was also his 6th homer for the month of August.  On July 29th — ya know, right before August started — I said, “Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.”  And that’s me quoting me!  At this point, I’d own Encarnacion until he’s no longer hitting well.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and K.J.’s first homer as a Blue Jay.  He’s now doing better in his new surroundings than Aaron Hill.  Still too early to call one a winner.  Put on the suspense music and watch out for cats jumping out of closets!

Eric Thames – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  For what it’s Wuertz, the Jays were facing a peg boy.

Henderson Alvarez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole of hitters.  In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher.  Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.  Before we start reaching around on each other, this was a good matchup vs. the O’s.  Still only a very deep league flyer.

Brent Lillibridge – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Doesn’t his name sound like a Native American name for a person of small stature? “Papa, I want to go on the Superman Tower of Power Rollercoaster!” “I’m sorry, Brent Lillibridge.  You don’t reach Daffy Duck’s hand.”

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, batting .538 since his call up.  The problem when he was first called up was we weren’t sure of his playing time.  He’s playing every day.  You pick him up now.  You’re welcome.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th steal.  He had two singles, a double and a triple for the Juan Pierre cycle.

J.D. Drew – Injured his middle finger.  There have been a lot of middle-finger injuries involving J.D. Drew, but this is the first time one happened that didn’t involve a fan and repetitive-stress injury.

Seriously, it’s cool and all for fans of the Yankees and Red Sox but doesn’t Bud Selig in his infinitesimal wisdom see that maybe something needs to be done to level out the playing field?  It’s all so short-sighted, kinda like how he turned a blind eye to steroids.  Diamondbacks give away Reynolds so they can save a few million.  Meanwhile, the Red Sox sign Carl Crawford for $142 million with a developing country bonus.  If he wins the MVP, they’ll buy him Guatemala.  “El Presidente can you steal a base for us?”  That’s what they’ll say in Guatemala.   I imagine Crawford will hit somewhere in the middle of the Sawx lineup.  Like third, for instance.  With Ellsbury leading off, Pedroia in the two hole (hehe — two hole) and A-Gon cleanup.  There’s flexibility there so it could change.  Either way, they’re scoring 7 runs a game.  Crawford wasn’t exactly on the Mariners last year for offense.  The Rays scored the third most runs just behind the Red Sox.  Fenway’s a much gentler lover than the Trop, but Crawford hasn’t exactly ripped the cover off the ball there.  4 homers and a .275 average in 320 ABs.  Whatever the case, I think he’s going to be great and do more or less what he did last year.  Lots of steals, high-teen power and a solid average.  I’ll give him a line of 100/16/110/.305/45.  Yeah, it’s solid.  Anyway, here’s some more moves and what they mean for fantasy baseball:

Carlos Pena – Chuck P. says Yo! Bum Rush Chicago!  Pena is just the guy to get the Cubs over the 102-year hump.  Or at least strike out trying.  Pena was crazy unlucky with balls batted into play last year.  The scary thing is, he’s not much better than a .230 hitter even when he’s not unlucky.  Left mouth says, “Sch…”  Right mouth says, “…nikes.”  Together, “Schnikes.”  Would be a decent pairing with an Ichiro or a Sauvignon Blanc.  Supposedly, Pena was playing with plantar fasciitis last year, which only sounds like something Mr. Peanut would get.  He’s already said he’s recovered from it.  That might have caused his ground ball rate to go up.  Last year, he pounded balls right into the shift.  If he can just get some more lift on his balls (hehe — I said, shift then lift on his balls), then Pena could be in for a nice rebound year.  Right now, I’d conservatively give him 70/35/95/.235/3.  There’s room for more power though and average can be fluky.

Jason Bartlett – Off to San Diego, or as they call it in San Diego, “Here.”  Don’t think this is necessarily the death of Bartlett.  His age, his caught stealing percentage and his speed decline, those things might be the death of Bartlett.  As for any possibility of a return to the power he showed back in 2009, fahgettabartlett!

Reid Brignac – The door is open for Brignac.  Next stop, a sleeper post for him in the coming weeks.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Matt Diaz – Headed to the Pirates.  Dye-as is one of my favorites if you can platoon him against lefties only.  In most leagues, you won’t want (stutterer!) and/or need Dye-As, which is your deal more than mine, but he does throw some residual soot on someone else…

Garrett Jones – Who is this paging me at 5:46 in the morning?  It’s Robot Jones.  “Damn, Dye-as wanna stick me for my at-bats.”  It’s true, Robot.  That’s your warning.  Since Jones only hit .220 with six homers in 214 ABs vs. lefties last year, there’s a good chance Robot will be oiling his wheel-feet on the bench against his weaker half.  This could kill his value in 12 team mixed leagues.

Dioner Navarro – Signed with the Dodgers.  He’ll work a blahtoon with Rod Barajas.  Dioner has a softball build without the upper body strength to tap the keg.  It’s pretty useless in fantasy.

Craig Kimbrel – Right now, Fredi Gonzalez is saying he’s thinking about using Kimbrel and Venters for closing games.  Kimbrel is the righty, so he’d have slightly more value, but I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear about this.

Koji Uehara – Will remain with the Orioles and chances are he’ll stay in as the closer, but Gonzalez could make it a Mike G. joint.  Will need to monitor this shituation in the spring.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy.  Royals.  Dayton Moore.  Off with his head!  At 27-years-old, Francoeur could return to his glory days of 2006 when he hit 29 homers with 100+ RBIs, but there is nothing from his last four years that make that seem like anything but a pipe dream.

Jack Cust – Signed with M’s.  I see what’s happening here.  Last offseason, the M’s made all kinds of signings that had their fans thinking they were the team to beat then they collapsed out of the gate.  This offseason, they’re doing crap and hoping it’ll have the inverse effect on the team’s 2011 performance.  They’re sneaky up there in the Pacific Northwest.  The M’s already have the Golden Glove Milton Bradley where Cust would probably fit, but maybe they lose Bradley.  (Member when the M’s fans were excited the team signed Bradley?  Yup.)  Cust will be 32-years-old for the start of the 2011 season and he looks to be aging quickly.  If he hits 25 homers and .260, he’s sneaky valuable in AL-Only leagues.  If he hits 17 homers and .240, he’s useless.  Cust kayin’.

Nate McLouth – Fredi Gonzalez also said he’s leaning towards McLousy for the starting centerfield job.  Very early in the game for guys to be handed starting jobs.  We’ll see.  But can you say bounce back?  Or as they spell it in Korea, “Bow-uns Bak.”

Chris Davis is so easy to strike out that pitchers should let him get a 4th or 5th strike like you’d give the small-for-his-age kid in little league.  “Good cut, Chris!”  Then the parent who needs anger management screams, “It’s on a freakin’ tee!  Hit the damn ball!”  Davis is also so easy to strike out the Rangers felt like they needed to go out and get someone who is marginally better.  Enter Jorge Cantu.  Or as I like to call him, the guy I told you to sell back at the end of April when his value was at its highest.  Cantu gets a boost in value because he’s now going to be hitting in a lineup with Giant Machine and Hulk Machine, while calling Coors South home.  I’d grab Cantu off waivers if I was hurting at my corner infidel spot.  Meanwhile, Chris Davis heads to the minors to try and reclaim that glory that had Bill James projecting him for, like, 40 homers and 10 steals.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – Back to the DL with a strained groin and could be out until the end of August.  Who had July 29th in the ‘Kinsler goes back on DL’ pool?  Kinsler’s officially dropping way down in 2011 drafts.  He might be the fourth Ranger drafted next year.  I smell a sleeper post about him from January Grey.  January Grey, “Leave me alone, I’m watching Jersey Shore.”

Brett Wallace – It’s ironic he’s only a 1st base prospect because he’s getting passed around the majors like a trollop who’s been a lot farther than 1st base.  For those keeping score, he’s gone from STL to OAK in the Matt Holliday deal, OAK to TOR for OF prospect Michael Taylor (whom Toronto got in the Halladay deal), and now from TOR to HOU for OF prospect Anthony Gose.  The book on Walllace is he’s a great hitter with a bad glove (hence the move from 3B to 1B).  Now it’s one thing when STL trades a 1B (when they have Pujols) or when Oakland trades a 1B (Billy Beane likes to keep busy) but when the Lyle Overbay-playing Blue Jays trade a 1B prospect one has to wonder.  Is something wrong here 0r is the Jays GM, Alex the Greek just opa’ing prospects into the fireplace?  Either way, Lance Berkman looks like he’s about to embark on the Casino Bus.  If Wallace gets called up, he’s immediately mixed league material.  He hit 18 homers in 385 minor league ABs this year.  Though it was in the PCL.  BTW, this is the longest blurb ever for a roundup.  I don’t even remember who I was talking about.  Oh, Brett Wallace!  Yeah, he can hit, grab him now in NL-Only leagues, deep mixed leagues and keepers, just in case he’s called up.

Matt Capps – Traded to the Twins for Wilson Ramos, a top catching prospect, and Joe Testa, who throws straight gas, but is still very young.  Look at the Nats making moves!  Too bad Bowden wasn’t still around, he would’ve never stood for that.  As much as I’d prefer to talk about how the Nats can be a serious contender in two years, this is after all a fantasy blog.  If you’re really desperate for saves, I’d hold Rauch just in case he sees some chances or if you need rebounds (he’s tall!), but the Minnesota papers are reporting Capps will close.  I tend to believe the Minnesotans, salt of the earth people yadda².  Also, if Capps doesn’t close, then it looks even worse that the Twins traded those prospects away.  Gotta keep up appearances, ya know?

Miguel Tejada – Traded to the Padres to play….where?  He could play shortstop with the range of Cal Ripken but that dude’s 50 years old.  He could play 3B and move Headley back to the OF, but is Tejada really a better bat than the Padres worst corner OF?  Maybe, and that’s just sad.

Josh Bell – Will replace Tejada at 3rd base for the Suckie O’s.  Bell’s AL-Only ownable, which is saying very little since Daric Barton is AL-Only material.  Bell needs to get hot before picking up in mixed leagues, or, if you speak street, he needs to be fire on Crunk Juice.

Michael Wuertz – Now Bailey’s headed to the DL.  Wuertz has shown himself to be pretty adept at blowing save opportunities, so he’s no sure thing, but Breslow is?  As German prostitutes like to say, I grabbed Wuertz.  (BTW, whenever I think of a German prostitute, I picture a woman that could have easily been a female wrestler if she just got a few breaks.)

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd in three games.  I’ve knocked him a bunch, but when you’re looking at a Pu-Pu Platter of middle infielders, Walker’s at least hitting.

Matt Diaz – First time I was able to get Diaz into my lineup because it was a short schedule day and he homered.  That’s how you roll the Dye-as!

Miguel Montero – 4 for his last 8 with a homer yesterday.  Instead of just letting their catcher scabs be, I’ve noticed people are dropping Montero.  He could have a solid final two months.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Please make note of this next year when you’re drafting.  A 10/10 guy looks good when you’re drafting him, but when you’re actually waiting for him to get to 10/10 it’s mind numbingly boring.

Scott Olsen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Drew Storen – Clippard’s been a hot mess for a while now, so I’d grab Storen for saves.  If you’re really hurting for saves, I’d grab Clippard too.  If you’re really, really hurting for saves, I’d grab Sean Burnett. (And I did grab Clippard and Burnett in some leagues — My name is Grey “El Toro” Albright and I am a save vulture.  Please forgive me if I have told you to pick up a guy that has shat on your ratios.  I am powerless to my vulturing.  Anyone got some coffee and cigarettes?)

Ramon Castro – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  Appropriate of nothing, doesn’t his goatee look like a sideways yin and yang symbol?  Maybe it’s me.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with his 20th home run.  Sweet, now stay healthy for two months and hit.

Raul Ibanez – Hit his 2nd homer in the last week and he just missed his third with a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Also, hitting near .450 in the last week.

David Price – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he recorded his 14th win.  That sound you hear is the BBWAA preparing their AL Cy Young vote for Price.  Voter, “A team win is the most important thing.  And if a guy pitches with moxie.  That’s important too.”

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks.  And he’s got a no-hitter on his resume too from 2006.  Pretty impressive given his career WHIP is 1.45.  Kind of feast or famine – fitting for a guy whose name anagrams to He’s Za Cannibal.

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.  Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April.  His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.”  Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency.  I hope you’re all happy.  I’d DL Manny if I owned him.  If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him.  You guys will see each other again because you love Manny.  Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice.  A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers.  The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles.  The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293.  Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week.  SAGNOF!

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.

Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday.  He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.)  I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week.  He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do?  I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year.  Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?

Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6.  Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season.  Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months.  Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.

Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger.  I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.

Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25.  Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career.  I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere.  (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)

Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.”  J.A. Happ should return to take his spot.  No, I’m not a fan of Happ.

Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games.  If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians.  It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00.  Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere.  Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.

Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle.  Rauch should return in a day or two.  Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL.  Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up.  It’s AS-drubal, after all.  Why wouldn’t you?  His name lyrical.  You go sing about him in the shower.  Unless you’re in prison.

Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday.  This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer.  Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill.  This year, Bautista.  Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers.  You heard it here first.

Neil Walker – If anyone can figure out how to go 5-for-5 and only score one run and knock in one while your team scores 11, Neil Walker can.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  The Smashbuckler!

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results.  Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own.  You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer.  He has two more home runs than A-Rod.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Gutierrez – No lie.  I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save.  By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan.  He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings.  Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years.  Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings.  Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings.  Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues!  I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.

Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle!  Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.

Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.

David Freese – Broke his toe while rehabbing his right ankle.  If you’re fantasy season is contingent on Freese returning, you might want to start thinking about fantasy football.

Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday.  Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’

Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries!  He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips.  When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one.  I could see him hitting another four homers this month.  Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.

Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was the Suckie-O’s!  What are you doing, Garza?  You’re killing me.  4 homers allowed?  Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.

Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.