Fantasy Baseball Advice

Every day that Justin Verlander starts, you know there’s a chance of a no-hitter.  You just expect it to be thrown by him and not another pitcher.  Guillermo Moscoso took a no-hitter into the 8th inning against the Royals and finished with 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in 8 2/3 IP.  He now has 8 wins in 18 starts which is as many wins as Brett Anderson, Dallas Braden, and Rich Harden managed this year combined.  Everything about Moscoso’s year screams fluke.  His 3.63 ERA / 1.14 WHIP does not gel with 5 K/9 and 3 BB/9.  But as an owner of this guy in my AL-only league, all I can say is this guy has been money against bad to average teams.  He’s had 4 ugly starts – @BOS, @TAM, @DET, and home against TAM.  His home WHIP is now under 1.00 in over 60 innings.  His road WHIP is 1.44.  There’s not much time left this season but if he has a start against a bad-to-average team at home – I’d go-go for Moscoso.

In other news…

Jerome Williams – The Angels’ starter has won all 3 of his Angel starts with this past one by far the best – 8 IP with just one hit (a Trayvon Robinson HR) and a walk.  Nothing to see here.  Just a 30 year old journeyman who’s perhaps half a notch more tolerable than Tyler Chatwood.

Chase Utley - Pulled out of the game after being hit in the helmet.  The Phillies brass are concerned he might have a mild concussion but Charlie Manuel is confident it’s just a standard variety ‘noggin burner’ and he just needs to rub some ‘piss ‘n’ vinegar’ on it.

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 2 ER, loss.  Same old song.  He’s now 11-10 despite a 1.06 WHIP.  He’s a career 68-73 despite a career 1.19 WHIP.  He should retaliate against the offense – I suggest he takes a dump in the pine tar.  Just don’t lose your balance or you’ll end up with sticky buns and tempt Pablo Sandoval.

Aaron Harang – Beat the Giants with a 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunner, 3 K start.  He’s now 13-5 for a team that’ s 19 games under .500 (62-81).  He’s like Steve Carlton for the 1972 Phillies except he’s not lefty, not an above average pitcher (3.74 ERA/1.39 WHIP), and has never allegedly said that the world is ruled by 12 Jewish bankers meeting in Switzerland.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs to up his season total to 28 and tie for the team lead (with Nelson Cruz).  If it weren’t for the .245 AVG, he’d be in the conversation with Cano and Pedroia for most valuable fantasy 2B (.245/101/28/71/23).  Or as an incompetent announcer would phrase it, “You talk about second baseman who can hit…Ian Kinsler…”

Justin Verlander - Snagged win #22 but gave up 4 ERs thanks to 2 HR / 4 RBI by his kryptonite – Shelley Duncan.  Clearly Verlander can only effectively pitch to batters shorter than him and he’s just lucky that there aren’t a lot of 6’5″+ hitters.  The Yankee and Red Sox scouts should be out recruiting locked-out NBA players for playoff rosters.  If there’s one lesson to be learned from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, it’s that if the other guy is going to go tall, you’ve got to do the same.  If there is a second lesson to be learned from MMPR, it is that if you’re producing a show that has kid actors, it is best to hide their faces behind masks so you can swap in other actors when the original ones get too old or expensive.  Saved By The Bell would still be on if it was set in Milwaukee and each of the kids wore a different sausage costume.  (Kelly Kapowski – Polish sausage.  Slater – Chorizo.  Zach – Bratwurst.  No one qualified for Italian Sausage until the summer season with Stacey Carosi.)

Victor Martinez - Hit a 7th inning grand slam.  His .325 AVG and 89 RBIs are great for a catcher but that was only his 10th HR of the year.  And he’ll have only DH-eligibility next year.  V-Mart is going to be discounted like he’s Wal-Mart.  (Correction: As noted in the comments, V-Mart has 26 games at Catcher this year so should retain C-eligibility next year.)

Daniel Bard - The Sawx’ rumored closer in waiting ruined Tim Wakefield’s billionth chance of being one of the 13 worst pitchers with 200 career wins by posting a 5-spot thanks to a single, HBP, 3 BBs, and the next pitcher giving up a run-clearing double.  That said, aside from having only 2 wins, Bard has been everything a Mr. B could’ve hoped for (2.76 ERA, 0.86 WHIP, 66 Ks, 1 pity save).

Jacoby Ellsbury - 4 for 5 with a HR (#25), 3 RBIs, and 2 Runs.  5 more HRs away from 30-30.  And only 2 HRs and 44 SBs away from joining Rickey Henderson and Eric Davis in the illustrious 27-80 club.  (Oddly enough, both done in 1986 – Davis in 415 ABs!).

Manny Acosta – Got the save for the Mets as Parnell and Izzy threw 30+ pitches the night before and no one else in the bullpen had 299 saves.

Carlos Lee - Hit his 15th HR of the year – and his 3rd in the past 8 games.  Maybe El Caballo doesn’t need to be taken to the glue factory just yet.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate HR’d twice against the Astros.  He’s now at 81/22/85 but only 20 SBs and .269.  Jeff Francoeur has 20 SBs.  Braun has more than 20 SBs.  Can’t the Pirates hire Omar Moreno to be his Davey Lopes?

Chris Carpenter - Shut out the Brewers on 4 hits, 2 BB, and 5 Ks.  He also allegedly yelled an expletive at Nyjer Morgan.  Maybe he just mispronounced his name.

Rafael Furcal – Another HR – his 4th in the last 8 games.  He had 4 in his first 63 games.  Even with the sudden power burst, wow do his stats look bad this year.  .215 AVG?  5 SBs?  When did Rafael Furcal turn into Rafael Belliard?

Roy Oswalt – The 2nd best Roy in Philly is looking close to his old magical self again with a 7 IP, 7 K, 2 ER effort vs. Atlanta.  I’m having a premonition – Oswalt pitches well through the regular season + 1st round of the playoffs, makes some bad throws in the championship series, says he’s going to retire to spend more time with his family and tractor in Mississippi, and then end up playing again in 2012, 2013, and 2014.  It’s just the Mississippi way.

Jemile Weeks – 4 for 5, now batting .303 with 22 doubles, 21 SBs, and 0 HRs.  Growing up, Jemile was always the fast one, Rickie was the strong one, and Nynind’haph was the seductive one.

Brett Pill - 2 games, 2 HRs, for the Giant rookie 1B who mashed in AAA the past two years while the Giants skipped over him to promote rookie tease sensation Brandon Belt.  Proof once again that when grabbing for the Belt, it’s better to be safe and take the Pill first.

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month.  Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters.  Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly.  We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw!  If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback.  Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August.  It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about.  No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater.  No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co. building and rename it Kyle Blanks Auditorium.  They called up Anthony Rizzo!  Today.  Supposedly.  When I say, “Exciting,” you say, “Padres!”  Exciting… Padres!  Exciting…Padres!  Unexciting…Padres!  Fooled you.  Rizzo’s in the same ginormous boat as every other hitter that plays at Petco.  It’ll hurt his power, but he should still be able to hit some bombs.  For the rest of the year, I’ll conservatively give him 17 homers and a .250 average.  He’s capable of a bit more power and a lot less average.  But, as with most rookies, you take the flyer on upside and hope he pans out.  That’s me, Grey “Fantasy Master Lothario” Albright, telling you to go pick him up in every league.  Yeah, even that one.  And that one too.

Dustin Moseley – Left yesterday’s game with a non-throwing shoulder injury.  Remember, Padre fans — Rizzo!

Brett Lawrie – Has a fractured hand, no relation to Brad.  Now he won’t be up until around August.  I’d go ahead and drop him in redraft leagues, unless you’re not paying attention to your team but still reading this, which seems odd but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Adam Lind – 4 home runs in 5 games.  Yeah, he can get to 35 home runs this year.  You Gotta Believe isn’t just a title of a Marky Mark album.

Danny Espinosa – A Cain pitch hit Espinosa on the hand causing visible pain. You know what’s worse than a .218 hitter?  A .218 hitter nursing a hand injury.

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  As Cain did everything you could ask for, Barry Zito Foursquared from a bathtub (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3 with a caught stealing, which is whatever but it’s always good to see guys at least trying to give some fantasy value.  In other Brandon Crawford news, Bochy says he’ll continue to start when Sandoval returns next week.  That means Tejada has about a week to strengthen his case for the Hall of Fame.

Mike Carp – M’s manager said Carp would only see 3-4 starts per week.  To get dyslexic on you, crap.

Pedro Alvarez – Tweaked his strained right quad resulting in a setback in his rehab.  Vote for Pedro…as the lamest 3rd baseman in 2011.  Both definitions of lame work.

Paul Maholm – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.39 ERA on the year, a 1.18 WHIP and a terrible walk to strikeout ratio.  I actually own Maholm in one league, which is a little scary since I’m not sure Maholm would own himself in a fantasy league.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5 with his 10th home run, a walk off blast, which gave Daniel McCutchen the win.  Then the Pirates played ‘We Are Family’ and everyone hugged.  Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a player hit a walk-off homer to give someone with the same last name the win.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard recently at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Bill, in human resources, smells of onions for a record five straight days.”

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Good (for Duke) start.  Through 126 1st half innings in 2009, he had a 3.29 ERA, so he is capable of an extended run of decent starts.  But sometimes you take Zach Duke to the cashier and she rings you up for six innings and five earned runs.

Joba Chamberlain – To the DL with a flexor strain.  Someone went too heavy on the shake weight.  As Joba’s drug dealing mom would tell you, “Smoke the shake, don’t shake the weight.”

Alexi Ogando – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He dedicated his non-regression to all the nerds that know what FIP stands for.

Aaron Cook – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s back and healthy.  And that’s where the positivity ends.

Eric Young Jr. – Did not start.  I like him better than Gordon, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Dee Gordon is starting.  You gotta go with the starter.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 2Ks.  Bud Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with his 14th steal as he finally got the start.  It’s almost as if the manager forgot how good he was before his injury.  Play Bourgeois, you capitalist pig!

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His sister, Mary Stuart, must have pumped him up for this start.  Obviously she was more of a help for him than for her boyfriend last year on the Dodgers, Eric Stults.

Cord Phelps – 0-for-4, was called up by the Indians and started at 2nd base.  Cord has solid plate discipline and a lot of can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.  Pretty average power and speed.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re grasping at straws right now if you go for a roll in the hay with him.

Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal.  But it came at the expense of my Masterson.  Damn you, Ben Revere.  Why can’t you just be happy being a character in a Ben Affleck Masshole thriller?  You had to go and sully Masterson’s line.  Get it, Sully!  Revere’s looking like a decent deep league addition.  Shoot, he’s looking better than Span at this point, though that’s a bit of a ‘no compliment’ compliment.  He’s a player that I could see Gardy giving everyday playing time to even when Kubel and Thome return.

Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .230.  Nice showing!  Everyone knows that all Canadians are robots.  Can’t Gardy reboot Morneau?  Or can they upgrade to the Vottomatic?

Michael Brantley – 3-for-5.  He’s hitting .295 on the year with 5 homers and 8 steals, i.e., he’s on pace for a Victorino type year — 100/10/60/.280/25.  Frankly, he should be getting more press from me.  He’s having a real solid fantasy 5th outfielder year.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs.  “Now, wait one second, Mini Donkeys don’t eat slam and legses,” said a’la Jimmy Stewart.  Not sure why, but his voice is stuck in my head.  Mr. Potter!  Reynolds does seem like he’s finally found his power stroke.  If anyone remembers his 2009, he can get blazing hot for extended periods of time.  Do keep in mind he only has 4 multiple hit games since April 13th, so his average may peak at .230.

Zach Britton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Start anyone vs. the A’s.  You have my permission.

Reid Brignac – Finally, he hit his first home run of the year.  Geez, what a bust.  Billy Butler, “Please, that’s no bust.”

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-3 with 2 runs.  He was bumped down the order, but he is starting every day.  I’m farting in your general direction, Eric Young Jr.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s actually been solid or terrible in every start.  5 IP, 4 ER start here; 7 IP, 1 ER start there.  If you’ve been able to stomach that, his overall numbers don’t look hideous.

Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Speaking of waffling between great and awful… Pick a side, Joe Lieberman!

Prince Fielder – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and has now homered 6 times in June… Mmm…Did someone say waffling?

Jason Heyward – Glass Chipper told Heyward he needs to play hurt.  That wasn’t very Chipper of him to say.  He should change his name to Tough Love Jones.  Chipper added, “I was healthy for 11 days between 2000-2010 and that includes the offseason.  In fact, I just tweaked my oblique telling you Heyward should play hurt and I didn’t stop talking, did I?”

Carlos Beltran, or as I like to call him Rickie from My So Called Life because of his resemblance, went 3-for-5 with 6 RBIs and 3 homers yesterday.  2006 called they want Beltran back.  I’d put Beltran in the same boat as Sizemore.  In fact, I did yesterday.  He’s not going to steal bases anymore.  Those days appear closer in the rearview mirror than they actually are.  Beltran hasn’t even attempted a steal this year.  Watching him play and you realize Ron Kovic could give him a run for his money.  So if someone in your league thinks, Beltran is back to the 30/20 player he once was I’d check raise to the bettor and see what they have to offer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Masterson – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  A pimply teenager runs into frame and screams, “Watch out!  Justin Masterson is falling back to earth!”  Then Roland Emmerich calls cut, but it’s too late.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Justin Morneau has one home run.  I want to remake the movie Seven and cast the role of Gwyneth with Morneau.

James Shields – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  You’d think I would’ve accidentally owned him in one league, right?  I mean, I am in something like ten leagues.  After all the misery he caused me last year, you’d think my kismet, karma or some touchy-feely K word would’ve backed me into owning him.  You’d think.

Eduardo Sanchez – With La Russa out with shingles (which you don’t get from raising the roof too much), Dave Duncan named Sanchez the lead candidate for saves in St. Louis.  That’s kinda brilliant.  A Cardinals beat reporter overheard Duncan’s side of the conversation with La Russa.  “Who did you want closing games– Sorry, Tony, I’m losing service.  Stupid iPhone!  You’re gonna have to call back later.”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I warned you in the preseason to not expect the 1st half of 2010 again, but this is getting ridiculous.  Something’s up.  He shouldn’t be this bad.  He’s not a 6 walks in 3+ innings pitched, uh, pitcher.  He’s better than that.  If his owner is fed up with him, I could see lowballing them to see if you could get him on the super cheap.

Matt Cain – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  And he took out two hippies in center field.

Eric Hosmer – Now has back-to-back games with a home run.  Also, has twice as many homers as Morneau.  FML.  And the M there stands for Morneau’s.

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer.  And to think the Royals only signed him so they could confuse their fans into thinking the M. Cabrera in their lineup was Miguel.

Daniel Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Nothing’s changed from yesterday when I said he was a buy low.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Fangraphs Database is on a 24-hour watch to make sure it doesn’t do anything it might regret as it waits for Garcia to regress.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .390.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball with this next statement, but Holliday is usually a bit more of a 2nd half hitter.  Yummo.

Brandon League - Second blown save in a row and his ERA is up to 5.87.  Jamey Wright has been solid but has no closer experience and it doesn’t exactly put the fear of God into hitters to hear they have to face Jamey.  Jameys get a bikini wax, they don’t close games.  Next up, Dan Cortes.  Loved him as the host of MTV’s Rock N Jock, but he has six and a third career major league innings, which means, League is probably safe, but in crazy deep leagues where you’re hurting for saves grab Wright just to be sure, and bench him.

Zach Britton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he dueled with the M’s Jason Vargas (9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks).  Somewhere, Bonds is muttering to himself, “That’s what you get with no steroids.  Sure, I’m the villain.  But you need a villain.  Muahahahahahaha…”

Javier Lopez – Notched the save because Brian Wilson needed the day off.  His beard was ready to go though.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now there’s the pitcher I signed up for back in March.    J-Z has 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one.

Ike Davis – To the DL with an ankle sprain.  He was seen walking around the clubhouse with a boot.  Supposedly, Garfield from Parking Wars put it on him.

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.