Yesterday, I was thinking how Miguel Gonzalez, who went 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, is a’ight. Has nominal value in mixed leagues against weaker teams and a solid back-end guy for AL-Only leagues, which could describe the entire O’s staff. With the O’s, you gotta mind your P’s and Q’s. Excuse me, I had Alphabet Soup for lunch and just burped. Those O’s starters are okay, but I crave excitement. I’m an adrenaline junkie. Sometimes I’ll blog with no pants on just for the RUSH I get. While in Starbucks. While holding my dog over my junk so I don’t catch charges. I’m a responsible adrenaline junkie. So, when I heard Kevin Gausman will make his major league debut on Thursday, you can imagine how awkward it was carrying my dog over my junk without any hands, while working my cellular mobile device trying to pick up Gausman. I’ve gone over Gausman as recently as two weeks ago. He was my Wheeler before Wheeler. I lurve Gausman. The O’s staff is iffy at best, so Gausman could definitely stick around. His numbers in the minors this year are insane. In 46 1/3 IP, he has 49 Ks and 5 walks. He could be the best called up pitcher this year. More likely, he’ll have some extreme ups and downs in the AL East. I’d still grab him in all leagues just in case his ups far outnumber his downs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I went ahead and picked up Jarrod Dyson this past week only to watch him sprain his ankle before even entering my lineup. ESPN has him listed as 0.0% ownership, so apparently my team doesn’t even count in their world. I was about to get all depressed about it and throw on my Skinny Puppy t-shirt and black eyeliner when I realized that this is a SAGNOF world, and that means when one speedster goes down, we just go to the heap for another. We’re about 1/4 of the way through the season already, and that means it’s time to take a look at some stats for pitchers, catchers, and teams to try to exploit when chasing steals. I’ll also take a look at what Will Venable is up to and how Pedro Florimon may be a possible source of cheap speed in very deep leagues. At the beginning of the season, I posted the 2012 numbers for pitchers and catchers who should be exploited or avoided when it comes to steals, as well as team SB allowed for matchup purposes. Here are those same stats through the first 40 games of the 2013 season.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Age ain’t nothin but a number, baby. And speaking of numbers, what’s yours? Oh you’re here with friends and you’re just at the bar getting their drinks? But you only have one…hello, where are you going? I knew I should’ve shaved my ear hair before going out tonight…and scene. I give you this painful glimpse into an aging man’s world so that you might better understand this week’s Creeper Of The Week. Getting old sucks. Getting wasted and passing out is no longer considered cool, it usually gets you fired. Your smoking hot girlfriend who used to go out and party with you is now your wife and wishes you’d grow up. Muscles you didn’t even know you used or had begin to ache even with the slightest change to your exercise routine. You stretch and you warm up, ready to take these fools on the court out. You think you look like Black Mamba out there but in reality, you just look like Will Ferrell from Semi-Pro minus that sweet frickin’ afro. Like I said, reality hits you hard bro and that definitely happened to Eric Chavez and his HOF career gone wrong. This man has pretty much lived on the DL since about 2006 and at age 35 there’s no reason to think that’ll stop. So with all that, why should you be interested in Eric for week 8 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season? Follow me to the second paragraph to find out and make sure to bring a walking cane…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Phil Hughes – Oh Phillip, you sure had me fooled bud. You were having a nice season and had a very nice matchup with Seattle this week. You’ve always dominated Seattle, Phil. Your career numbers against them were staggering, and here Seattle was, coming into your house. I fully expected the taste of victory, but you pulled an R. Kelly, urinating all over my face, down my throat and even in my eyes, causing temporary blindness as well as hours upon hours of regurgitation. The fact that I would surely be delighted if someone “Nancy Kerrigan’ed” Hughes this weekend almost makes me feel demonic.
Howard Hughes could have put up a superior performance on the mound Wednesday night. And that’s after locking himself in his theater room for months on end, filling up countless milk bottles with calcium enhanced piss. I truly believe in my heart that Howard could have come out of exclusion, walked into Yankee stadium, and shown at least 3 times the testicular fortitude than the constant let down we know as Phil. Hold on. What?? Howard Hughes is dead? Who cares? Dig up his rotting carcass, sprinkle some voodoo on him to get him “movin like Bernie,”and throw him out there. On a side note that down south dance and rap song inspired by the Weekend at Bernies saga is one of the more underrated trends to ever hit the United States and died out much too quickly in my opinion. Peep game
If we all do our part, we may be able to make this song relevant again. He might even be interested in the Razzball podcast but I’d have to host as Capozzi doesn’t speak fluent ebonics. He speaks Canadian though, so that’s cool. Or not. Anyway let’s get to to what else I saw in fantasy this week. Do it like Bernie!Please, blog, may I have some more?
First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Sorry, that’s a visual you won’t get out of your head for a long time. It’s like two girls, one shower stool. Can’t you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn’t old age…. Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and… Still lights out. This was one bad start, don’t panic. C’mere, let me massage your shoulders and… I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Shelby Miller is living the high life. Major league success, fame, fortune… and twins! Everything’s coming up Shelby. He was masterful last night, tapping the Rockies in a complete game, 1-hit shutout with 13 strikeouts. The 13 Ks was a career high and Miller time is now. It’s been an amazing start for the rookie, but this was easily his best performance so far. He gave up a hit to Eric Young Jr. to start the game and then proceeded to retire the next, oh I don’t know…27 batters! Sweet sassy molassy! That’s called dominance, folks. That’s not just a “Shelbyville” idea either, that’s what aces do, and Miller may well have proven himself last night as a legit fantasy ace. He was painting the corners with his fastball yesterday, showing pin point control and throwing serious cheese between 94-96 mph, dude was untouchable. Shelbs grabbed his fifth win and now has a 1.58 ERA with a 0.88 WHIP. The player rater has him as a top five overall pitcher. Yeah, he’s been that good, and it’s the 51/11 K/BB ratio that keeps me up at night thinking about him. He’s the champagne of pitchers and looks like the early favorite for rookie of the year honors. I had my own Shelby Miller fantasy last week and here’s what I said about him, “I believe the best is yet to come for Shelby Miller and have made some substantial offers for him in redraft leagues. I’m buying Miller if I can, even though I prefer Budweiser.” There may be some regression coming, but I expect Miller to continue his success going forward. No matter what beer you prefer to drink, or whether its Miller’s great taste, or the fact that he’s less filling that makes him so good, either way fantasy owners can agree that Shelby Miller has arrived and he’s here to stay.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Adeiny Hechavarria had a heckavagamia against the Phillies on Sunday with a 3-run triple and a grand slam – both against Halladay. These types of games will be few and far between with this guy’s bat – he’s a glove first SS (though that’s what they said about Brandon Crawford and he’s flashing early power) – but tell that to the old Jews in Miami that think of God when they hear his name. I just wish Adeiny didn’t take off for the Sabbath as I had him Friday night in the DraftKings “Can you take down Rudy Gamble?” challenge. I had my worst finish – 15th out of 23 – so I guess the answer to the challenge was “Yes.” We are doing it every Friday so pay attention to Twitter and the comment boards on Friday for the contest link. Anyway, here are some other observations from this weekend’s games:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Today is the first day of the next month in our lives without Giancarlo Stanton. If you want, I’m holding a candlelight vigil in the garbage can behind Stanton’s house. If you come, don’t make too much noise. We aren’t technically supposed to be there. The good news about his hamstring injury is when he’s limping away from us, it’ll be a lot easier to stay exactly 501 feet away. Before he’d backpedal and it was like we were doing the lambada with 501 feet between us. The bad news is I’m writing this post with tears. Hnfcsdcnnn. That was a big, stupid tear that got away from me. Short circuit my keyboard, tears. I plead with you, so I don’t have to continue. I wonder if I can seal envelopes with these tears. That would be turning lemons into lemonade, right? Ow, I just touched my eyes, and now these lemons are burning my eyes. This is the sourest injury news ever. Make the pain go away, alcohol! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greeting all, and welcome to another thrilling post centered on points leagues. Never forget the fact that points leagues’ stats almost always translate into Roto success as well so don’t feel blackballed or ashamed for reading these posts. You don’t have to conceal it from your Roto playing friends anymore. There are millions of Roto players trapped in the proverbial closet who are dying to announce their true desires and join points leagues. Your parents and close friends may know, but it’s time to let the whole world in on the secret. I love points leagues for the fact we don’t have to roster the likes of Taylor Clippard or Dave Robertson, and again I ask you to now to come out the closet and join the fastest growing type of fantasy baseball league. Given Sky’s rapaciousness for adding hot young studs on the waiver wire, I’d say he’s a prime candidate to be Razzball’s second openly points league playing writer. It’s Ok SKY!!! Let it be known, young stallion. You were meant for oh so much more than a 7th place finish in Roto scoring. Before I get carried away (if that didn’t already happen) let’s move on to the girth of what these posts are truly about: The playas.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?