I’m sitting here with the 80′s classic Gung Ho on the TV. Directed by Ron Howard and starring Michael Keaton and Long Duck Dong, it tells the story of how a man tries to save a town by bringing in a Japanese car company to fill an empty car factory. In hindsight what great foreshadowing for the towns in the rust belt that became abandoned by the loss of all the manufacturing jobs. Filled with lots of people you might recognize, like George Wendt and John Turturo, it pulls at the heart strings of my childhood and all the forgotten movies we would watch. Now what does this have to do today’s DraftKings article. Absolutely nothing! I’m just sharing what I’m watching on TV……I’m kidding it has lots to do with today’s daily fantasy. In daily fantasy we have to be key on the match-ups and the value one guy has because he destroys a certain pitcher or team. Yunel Escobar is that guy for me today. Like this movie, we need to take a risk on the little guy when the stars align and use hope as a tool……and some numbers crunching helps too. He has 2HR’s, 10 RBI’s, 4 doubles, 3 BB’s and a .306 BA lifetime vs. CC Sabathia. Couple that with a small price tag and you have what I like to call my blue light special. I’m rolling him out there even if the Hitter-Tron is farting in his general direction. Someone put his dipstick back in! Given that the Stream-O-Nator isn’t that hot on CC, though, I do think there’s room for this to work.

For those of you still new to this daily fantasy thing you really need to get in on this. I don’t always have time to be on the computer throughout the day but I can find a little time in the morning to get a line-up and take on 5,000 other players for a chance to win some sweet cash. If you sign up you can play the free games until you get the hang of it. You can also play H2H against each other or me if you would like to. My handle on there is J-FOH. Now get over to DraftKings and sign up already and while you’re at it, try your hand at the Sweet Spot. This might be one of the few times in life that you are going after a sweet spot that’s not on your wife and she will not only not mind, but be happy about it. Ok, on with the picks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So you’re down to the last few nickels of your first buy-in this year. You’re pinching pennies—drinking Olympia and thinning out your Cup O Noodles with Ramen. You know you need to do research to come up today, but you can’t justify using that much electricity. Don’t fret, mah people. I got your winning lineup right hurrr. I know. I shouldn’t have. I’ve been invoking Peyton Manning all week. DraftKings don’t slang hot pies, but they do love to hook you up for no apparent reason like Papa John’s. So we’ve teamed up to give you the freshest players in the freshest daily fantasy site out there. But wait, there’s more! Our boys at DraftKings are giving you a chance to get ghetto rich with $2 bucks giving you the chance to cash out $400k in the Sweet Spot.

We’re gonna sweeten the deal a little further today. Once you’ve signed up via Razzball for DraftKings, hit this link, and you can come try to take down Da Schlurricane. I’m opening up a contest for you to see how I do work. I never said I was smart – giving you the opportunity to expose me as a fraud. I’m so brash I even invited Tehol into the mix. The writing may be pro bono but my fantasy contests gotta make some cheddah. I’m betting him 2 tix to Mariners/A’s that I’ll Beddict his ass. You only get to play me for bragging rights and dolla bills ya’ll! But I’m sure you’re studs at bragging. And if you follow my instructions, you’ll have some bills.

Today’s a good day to take advantage of a lot of matchups. I’m gonna give you my lineup today. Go enter a contest or two with it and then invoke the Steam-O-Nator and Hittertron to come take me out. After all, Rudy’s mind is much more elevated than mine. We’re talking catwalk vs. gutter ya’ll.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So this DraftKings thing is new to the ole Smoke dog. I am not much of a gambler; I gamble every morning wondering if I hit the snooze button correctly and bare the frustration of never really falling back asleep. I dig it though, daily fantasy and it starts over and it only costs me a few shekels. So for today’s goodies I used a little bit of guesswork, some stuff I learned at Julliard and the crafty Razzball tools; Stream-O-Nator and Hitter-Tron. I mean with so many tools at your fingertips here between Razzball and DraftKings how could you lose? You literally should be winning everyday, splitting the profits with your local needy organization and basically making it rain at your own delight. There are lots of great division rivalries today, some that are avoidable but some that are going to be chocked full of nuts and stats. So build your team wisely oh master of your own domain and if you do win come back, gloat and throw it in everyone’s faces. Hatin’ on people is the new American past time. And if you wanna hate on people with even more cheddar in hand, try out the Sweet Spot contest. You can get a free ticket for simply signing up with DK. Wanna help us help you? Sign up using our promo DraftKings link. With that out of the way, enjoy the foray of games and good luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

First off: Poop joke. Secondly: next poop joke. Good, now is it out of your system? Well if it ain’t, pinch it off we’ve got to keep dropping these DraftKings posts like they’re hot. Alright, alright, we can’t get things moving with you so backed up on this topic. Here, have some yogurt. Better? Good! Now I have to ask you to draft a guy who’s only $6,000 on DK and is pitching in Petco and he’s not a Padre pitcher. In fact, he’s playing for a team that could actually get him a win. You interested? Me too! His name is Rick Porcello. He enjoys going six to seven innings, loves ground ball outs, and can probably K about five or six guys today given that his opponent is the Padres who have scored 20 total runs in nine games to start the year. For you non-math majors, that’s 2.22 runs per game. You don’t even need to look at the Hitter-Tron to know these Padres won’t help your hitting lineup. I would’ve said just 2 runs since you can’t actually score .22 runs but I didn’t wanna make the lovers of San Diego cry more than their team has already made them. But of course, I’m just a man with an idea. What say you, Stream-O-Nator? Only the 11th best pitcher tomorrow? Balderdash! Oh wait, tons of aces on the mound tomorrow. I mean, Jose Fernandez is the 6th best pitcher tomorrow on there? Well that changes things now doesn’t it. Considering he’s about half the price of the big arms taking the mound, you can take him, buy an ace, and still have room in your budget for more Activia. Seriously, go talk with your doctor, you’ve got a problem. But enough about that, let’s do a few more quick DK pimpings and then move on. We’ve mentioned it a few times but there’s a little game we like to call the Sweet Spot on DraftKings. That’s a $400,000 pot. The cool thing about the link I just gave you? You sign up for the first time to DK you get a free ticket which you can turn into a ticket in the Sweet Spot. How often do you get to tell your wife you actually WON money playing fantasy sports (we’re friends here, you don’t need to lie to me). In either case, if you want in on this DK fun, that would be a great way to start. With that, let’s get on with it. Here’s the Razzball slant on the 4/11/2014 slate for your DraftKings lineups…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea, I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me. The Virgin Sea is Coors Field and you have got to be free to add Avisail Garcia ASAP. What sweet sweet rock n’ roll poetry to get week 2 of the season started. The 1970′s and early 80′s hit making band Styx provided me with that brilliant piece of intro for this week’s Creeper of the Week. Their classic, Come Sail Away, has been a radio staple, as well as a beautiful remade meoldy by Eric Cartman on South Park.  In week 2, we get the early season gift of Avisail Garcia making his Coors debut and like any lover of sleepers out there we love these kind of trips. If I was wealthy, I’d hop a plane to cheer this 6’4 240lb Venenzuelan onto fantasy week 2 gold. I’d also want to go get a room in the team hotel (stalker alert) and that way I can make sure anytime he isn’t on the field no one is trying to disrupt this treasured hitter. Wait a minute, before you all think I’m crushing too hard on him be reminded I’m not the only person at Razzball with a crush on Avisail. (He was Jammed by the Gurutargeted by Greya sleeper by Grey, loved by Mike and Bill Mahoney in the White Sox Fantasy Preview, and is one of Jay’s top 100 keepers) So why is he only 11.6% owned in ESPN? I’ll tell you why, 88.4% of all ESPN leagues don’t read Razzball (for shame) and only contain ESPN employees and their family members. Thankfully we have a good readership in Yahoo who sports a 34% for my Creeper of the Week. Props to you Yahoo players for reading the Razz on the regular.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s nice when your chickens come home to roost. Sure, chickens coming home to roost is usually used to indicate a negative, but whoever heard of roosted chickens not being delicious. Lemon pepper, rosemary and roosted chickens is my favorite menu item and this Chinese restaurant has the best #3 in town. So, now, chickens coming home to roost is a positive and so is Todd Frazier with two jacks yesterday like Nicholson in Mars Attacks!. Frazier has long been a favorite of mine — we were younger then, and you had more hair. I hit you with a sleeper post for him in 2013 and again this offseason. There I said, “(Frazier) dropped his K-rate from 22.2% in 2012 to 20.8% last year. This was counteracted by a falling line drive rate (22.4% to 18.1%). Make weak contact and balls get caught and your BABIP falls. His fly ball rate fell too. When a fly ball rate falls in a hitters’ park, your power numbers appear less than desirable. Cause and effin’ effect or effin’ affect or affin’ effect or affin’ affect. BTW, what’s a humpageddon? A pornmanteau. Take it, it’s yours. The good news is when Frazier did hit a home run, he hit them a long way (average distance was 403 feet). He was right there at the top of the league for guys who averaged the longest distance per home run. When he hit six homers (this past) September in only 88 ABs, it showed the player he can be every month.” And that’s me quoting me! Still, love Frazier, unlike a lot of you since he’s only owned in 50% of leagues. I’d absolutely grab him if he were available in my league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left
Cause I’ve been toutin and praisin Domonic so long,
That even Grey and Jay(Wrong) think that my mind is gone
But I ain’t never praised a man that didn’t deserve it
“Sir” Dom or Beddict treated like a punk? you know that’s unheard of
You better watch how you manage and how you baller block.
Or you and your staff  gonna be given your papers to walk
I really hate to trip but I gotta loc
As Mayberry chokes, I see myself in the Payote smoke, fool
I’m the kinda writer/model the little homies wanna be like
On my knees sacrificing goats every night saying prayers to the Elder Gods in the streetlight
Been Speeeeending most my life, livin’ in the Models/strippers/writers Paradise!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings and salutations my fine and not so fine readers. I’ve peppered you a bit this off-season with Draftkings info, dropping a Primer as well as a little Strategy Guide to wind your way through the @Draftkings world. What’s the first link, you ask? Oh nothing, just a way to sign-up for DK (that’s what I call Draftkings cuz we’re friends like that) that helps us along the way which if you’re reading gives you a guilt-laden excuse to sign up and help a brotha out. Alright, now that the pimping is done, let’s get down to why you’ve arrived here. Wait, what was that? You want more links you say? Well how about a big ‘ole Razzball Draftkings Contest one for this coming Friday. Check the specs and see if it’s up your alley. Also, though we’ll eventually have our very own DK evaluation tool, in the interim, feel free to use our Streamonator and our Hitter-Tron to flesh out if a matchup is worthy or not. And BTW, I wasn’t just punning on DK’s name in the title, y’all. I have a player in mind to kick out the jams with on opening day. That players name is King Felix Hernandez. Plus anytime you can squeeze in a Mel Brooks reference? You do it. The reality is, you’re gonna be hard-pressed to find pitcher value plays. It’s opening day, everyone has their ace on the mound! Besides, as I mentioned in some of the off-season DK content, spending your money on pitching is a wise play. Don’t fight it, embrace it even if it costs you $11K. Also as an FYI, this will probably, maybe be the longest post of the year you see on here. As I’m sure you can understand, I had a little time before it came out. So don’t hold me to diatribes of this nature in the future nor the other six writers we have coming at you soon. Ya dig? Yeah, ya dig. And before we get to the next part of this little game, let’s keep one thing in mind: it’s opening day of a new season. No one knows which team will suck or not. We have our guesses but everything is predicated on a season that is behind us now. Like Rafael Furcal says to himself in the mirror in March each year, ‘I feel fresh and ready to start the season. Nothing can hold me back!’ before he trips on a doggy chew toy and breaks a fibula. Wait, can you break a fibula? I honestly don’t know, I’m no doctor except when on particular ‘adult’ sets. All this to say, it might be messy to start the year, I’d stick with trusted arms and play matchups on hitting as best I can until some small trends start emerging. Also, you’re reading this at 9:45 PST. Seem like an odd time? Well, get used to it cuz that’s when you’re gonna be getting these. So work on your clicking speed and get your lineups right before everything goes horribly wrong. Alright, blathering done, now lets get you lathered up about opening day with Draftkings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As of right now, is anything in this endless universe more scorching hot that Matthew McConaughey? When you take into account his performance in the criminally underrated film, Mud, his epic scene stealing performance in, The Wolf of Wall Street, which was possibly the greatest part of the movie which one would think impossible considering the countless classic scenes that Wall Street has within, and his Oscar winning performance in the true story of, The Dallas Buyers Club, the answer is a resounding, NO! There is none hotter.  Oh yea, I almost forgot to mention, Matty Ice, tag teaming viewers into submission along with partner, and legend in his own right, Woody Harrelson, in the undeniable classic series, True Detective. If his Oscar speech didn’t prove to you that this man cannot be touched right now, then you may want to go see a doctor, for you are clinically insane.

Please, blog, may I have some more?