Fantasy Baseball Advice

Chase Utley will make his first start of the year on Monday in the Phillies’ 47th game of the season.  If only the Yanks would lend out Suzyn Waldman for the occasion…Oh my goodness gracious!…Of all the dramatic things I’ve ever seen!  For those of you who carried Utley on your DL since Opening Day, congratulations.  The word is that Utley’s knee feels okay.  I’ll put the over/under at 90 games for the rest of the regular season.  I wouldn’t expect classic Utley this year (as in .300/30/110/15).  I think he’s going to look a lot more like last year’s Utley (511/75/16/65/13) for the rest of his career – minus a couple of SBs.  Second basemen don’t age gracefully and he’s 33 with a bad knee.  If someone will trade a top 50 player for him, take it.

Other fantasy baseball news…..

Asdrubal Cabrera – 5 for 5 with 2 HRs and 5 RBIs.  He’s now at .302/32/9/32/6.  He managed only 9 HRs over 900 ABs in 2009-2010.  Where’d all this power come from?  Is he that mad the Indians picked up another Cabrera and he had to add an “A.” to his jersey?  If that’s the case, the Indians will win the World Series if they could just find an Orlando-Soo Choo and Orlando Santana to add to the roster.

Felix Hernandez – F-Her has been just so-so this year – paling in comparison to other AL starters who have the luxury of facing the Mariners.  Luckily, the schedule rewarded him with a start at Petco against a Padres offense that fell back to reality (5 runs in last 5 games).  Given all that, it’s not so surprising that F-Her went 8 IP, 1 ER, and 13 Ks.   The surprising part is that the Mariners supported him enough to give the win.

James Shields – A 3-hit shutout over the Marlins with 13 Ks.  He’s now K’d 7 or more in 6 of his last 7 starts and is second to F-Her for the K lead in the AL.  He’s got a bright future ahead of him.  And when it doesn’t look bright anymore, I’m sure the Rays will just trade him to the Angels.

Rick Porcello – One hit the Pirates over 8 scoreless innings.  He’s rocking a 3.08 ERA now over almost 50 IP.  I have a feeling that ERA is going to mushroom over the next 50 IP unless he starts K-ing more people (5.5 K/9).

Marlon Byrd – On the 15-day DL after an Alfredo Aceves  pitch broke his face.  Lucky this game wasn’t in Toronto or Aceves would’ve been arrested for hitting a Byrd.  In all seriousness, hope Marlon is doing okay.  Some players don’t come back the same or have subsequent sight issues from an injury like this (see Dickie Thon and Tony Conigliaro).  Two uplifting cases are Ron Santo who came back from a broken cheekbone in 1966 to resume his HOF-quality career and Willie McGee whom I presume took multiple pitches to the face yet persevered and had over 2,000 hits in his career.

Fernando Salas – He’s gotten the last 4 saves for the Cardinals.  When asked by the press if he’d named Salas the closer, LaRussa replied, “Why does he need another name?  Fernando is a great name.  It’s my favorite ABBA song.”  The beat writers laughed because they thought it was Kyle Lohse performing another LaRussa impression.  Little did they know that LaRussa has already swapped in 4 relief pitchers as his stand-in over the last week.

Jason Heyward – Off to the DL with a sore shoulder.  He’ll be replaced by Eric Hinske and Joe Mather.  That’s like replacing Hank Aaron with Hank Azaria.

Nate McLouth – Left Sunday’s game early with an oblique injury.  No word yet if he’s going on the DL but….really, when does someone injure their oblique and not go on the DL?  Really, Nate McLouth, do you have some sort of oxygen chamber that can heal obliques?  In any case, McLouth has cooled off (4 for last 32) after showing some signs of life in early May.  I’d McLose him from just about any team outside of super deep leagues.

Edinson Volquez – 2.2 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners against the Indians.  Guess he knows how Custer felt.  A real letdown for all those (including me) who got excited by his previous start (6 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks).  In 10 starts this year, he’s failed to pitch more than 6 innings and has only two games where he’s given up either less than 3 walks or less than 3 ER.  We don’t even start him in our NL-only league – if you’ve got him in a 12-team mixed league, Ay Dios Mio, drop him already.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – HR’d both Friday and Sunday.  He’s hitting over .300 in his past 10 games.  Who’s ready to jump on the Salty bandwagon?  Yeah, me neither.  I’m as confident in him as I’m confident in David Ortiz being able to spell his last name.

Albert Pujols – He’s now gone 100 ABs since his last HR.  I may be off by a couple but I think Jose Bautista has hit 700 HRs during that time.

Juan Miranda – 1 HR and 4 RBIs over the weekend and Russell Branyan got DFA’d.  Those are two Miranda rights.  But he got hit on the wrist with a pitch in the 8th.  That’s the type of wrong that can ans will be used against him in the court of fantasy baseball.  If the injury is minor, Miranda suffices as CI or UTIL filler as he should start most of the time (with Nady getting a couple starts a week).  If he’s hurt, maybe we see Brandon Allen!

Gio Gonzalez – What’s the difference between Gia and Gio?  Both are sexy but Gio is a lot more predictable.  In his last 4 starts, he’s pitched between 6 2/3 to 7 innings, 0-2 ERs, and 6-8 Ks.  Now if he could only control pitches (over 4 BB/9) as well as he could control the weather.

Brian Fuentes – Lost his 6th (!) game of the year on Sunday when he gave up a run in extra innings.  Yet he only has 2 blown saves.  He might have a shot at 20 losses if they let him focus on Kazaams when Bailey comes back.

Javier Vazquez – Grey and I drafted this schmohawk on 3 teams this year – including our 13-team NL LABR team.  In that league, you cannot bench a player that you drafted unless they are sent to the minors or the DL.  So we had to suffer through 8 horrible starts, one more awful than the next.  If our ERA/WHIP was in a Lifetime movie, it would be huddled in the back corner of a shower.  We’re praying that the Marlins just put him on the Disgraceful List just like the Red Sox did with Dice-K and Lackey.  Nope.  The Marlins believe in him and he’s supposedly healthy.  Next start against Tampa.  Jeez, we think, if the NL is crushing him – imagine an AL East team?  Since we can’t bench him, we have no recourse but to drop him.  So what does the bastard do?  Goes 7 shutout innings and strikes out 7.  The bastard hadn’t topped 6 IP, 5 Ks, or less than 3 ERs all year!  Our only solace will be if someone else in the league picks him up this week because of this start and he starts turding all over their ERA/WHIP.

Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm.  Oofa!  Who am I, Buddy Hackett?  Actually, I am.  No, I kid.  Or do I?!  No, I do, he’s dead.  Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave!  Boo!  Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier?  He’s not Padilla.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey!  Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen?  I can’t own everyone.  By the way, nice mustache.  Primo!”  For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order.  Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier.  The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first.  Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is.  Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched.  No word if he’s still itchy.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s getting lucky and his strikeouts have been poor.  Soon there will be a plague of locust as we know from the The Book of Joel Pineiro.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER and two punchouts.  Well, ain’t that appropriate for Fister?

Scott Downs – Just when it seemed like he might step in for Walden, he comes in and gives up the winning run.  Somewhere, Fernando Rodney said, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 with his 7th home run.  He’s quietly (Is it quiet even after you say quietly?) putting together a solid season that I was excited about happening in the preseason.  Though, I didn’t get him in any league.  Nice move, El Capitan!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5 and his 2nd home run.  Oh.  Wait a second?!  Did my typees just type what I think they did?  No!  Couldn’t be.  Did they pitch to Morneau while he was standing on 2nd because they felt bad for him?  Was their a solar eclipse during the at-bat which distracted everyone so Morneau could grab the pitched ball and throw it over the fence?  Did Trevor Plouffe go to bat wearing Morneau’s jersey?  Or could it just be a guy capable of 30 effin’ homers actually hit his 2nd homer?  Dare to dream.

Neftali Feliz – It might be nothing but Feliz didn’t look so happy yesterday when he blew his second save in two days.  He now has more walks than Ks and his WHIP is obscene, and not in the good, “Hey, what kind of movies can you order in this motel that you rent by the hour?” obscene.  If you own Feliz, I’d be worried that he’s hiding an injury.

Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks but lost the game to Greg Holland.  Guess the Rangers and Royals decided to go Dutch.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This comes after a game where he gave up 5 earned in 4 1/3 IP to Oakland.  Looks like Gavin righted the ship.  Love Boat humor!

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 and hitting .203.  Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of players hitting under .250 really late into the season?  Not rhetorical.  Heyward – .214; Uggla – .194; Kelly Johnson – .181; Longoria – .234; CarGo – .245; Tulo – .247; Hanley – .217, etc. etc. etc.

Tyson Ross – Left the game with an oblique strain.  This comes right when Cody Ross finally looks healthy.  It’s like the butterfly effect for just Rosses.  All I can say, Betsy Ross is lucky to be dead.

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 as he knocked in the Mets only run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  A broken clock is right two times a day and Dillon Gee happened to be right for seven and two-thirds.

Marlon Byrd – Hit his 3rd homer and finally broke the 10 RBI barrier.  Only after batting for a month and a half in an RBI position in the lineup.  Terrific.

Darwin Barney – 1 for his last 13.  This could be the bottom finally falling out for The Purple Evolutionist.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Bruuuuuuce!  *breath*  Bruuuuuuce!

James McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in a top five park for offense.  This comes a start after he was mollywhopped by the Brewers to the tune of five runs in 4 innings.  Pretty hard to trust that inconsistency in shallow roto mixed leagues, but it’s a gamble I could see taking in H2H.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer left the game with a sore shoulder.  The team will reevaluate him tomorrow.  Hopefully, it’s good news for the Brewers and Hebrewers alike.

Chris Narveson – Since I pointed out that Narveson should be better, he’s thrown 19 1/3 IP and given up three earned runs.  Cust kayin’.

Shane Victorino – Headed to the DL, but Domonic Brown won’t be called up according to the GM.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, I buy that he’s not coming up immediately, but he’s still not further than a week or two away.

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K.  No, he shouldn’t be this good.  With an ERA of 0.69 over 26 IP, it doesn’t matter if I think he should be this good.  He should just be owned and let him worry about when his deal with the devil expires.

Madison Bumgarner – Came within an out of a complete game shutout.  I like Bumgarner, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Dodgers have two hitters.  Ethier, Kemp and pray for seven hit batsmen.

Al Alburquerque – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2, said “Alburquerque got barbequerqued.”

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 3rd home run.  He’s been getting dropped across multiple fantasy leagues recently and I can understand it.  He’s hitting in a cushy spot in the lineup, but I’m using the word ‘hitting’ loosely for what he’s done recently.

Alex Rodriguez – Yesterday, the Yankees scored 13 runs and A-Roid went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance) now has a 3.10 ERA on the year and has 57 Ks in 58 IP.  Yeah, he’s doing better than that other pitcher you own.  Yup, and him too.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 7th home run yesterday and three homers in his last 10 games as he bats .235 on the year.  Obviously J.P. stands for Just Passable (for shallow mixed leagues).

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced:  Yo-Lease.  Usage in a sentence:  Hold onto Yo-Lease.

Jason Giambi – 3 home runs yesterday.  It was a throwbackne to yesteryear.  He sure hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Jonathan Broxton is out with elbow pain.  Andre Ethier is out with an inflammed elbow.  Since Casey Blake has a staph infection in his elbow, him, Broxton and Ethier must’ve rubbed elbows.  It’s an idiomatic joke!  Dodgers Fever.  Take some penicillin!  If this elbow thing was being passed around the Dodger clubhouse any quicker….Alyssa Milano would get royalties!  Ah, you knew that was coming.  That’s what Alyssa said!  With regards to junk-in-his-trunk Broxton, I’d grab Padilla then Kuo.  I think both should be rostered in every league for right now.  Wouldn’t be surprised if this week it’s Padilla then Kuo takes over for two months.  In deep leagues, I’d even grab Kenley.  He should be back shortly.  As for Andre the non-Giant, he should be fine, but he’s been known to take a 15-day stint at a Beverly spa now and again.  BTW, yesterday, Jay Gibbons hit 3rd.  He can’t even see!  The Dodgers first three hitters were Gwynn Jr., Aaron Miles and Gibbons.  I’d rather have Cincy’s Triple-AAA lineup with Sappelt, Frazier, Alonso and Mesoraco.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now at a 4.93 ERA on the year.  Just as I drew it up when I drafted him to be my not-so-flashy-but-solid contributor to my fantasy teams.  Maybe I spent too much time breathing in the air in Port-a-Johns when I was younger, but I think Lilly’s still gonna end the season with a 3.70 ERA.

Ben Revere – Ben Revere is coming, Ben Revere is coming!  Ben Revere sounds like Affleck’s alias when he checks into hotels.  “When Matt Saugus shows up, send him up to my room.”  That’s Affleck talking to the front desk manager.  Revere is SAGNOF!  He had 7 steals in only 23 games this year in Triple-A and 36 steals last year in 94 games at Double-A, or as Lohan calls it AA.  The prizzoblem is Delmon’s due back soon and Revere might not have a place to play, so the Twins could make like Kendrys, add an S and put Revere into reverse.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you still need to take the flyer right now.  If Revere starts hitting, the Twins could sneak him into their lineup even with Young and Nishioka returning.  Casilla is obviously ripe for a benching.  Ca see ya!  In most mixed leagues, I’d let it play out for a few to see Revere’s playing time.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three days.  The buy low window is shut.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL.  Shocker!  It’s like having money on the 6 and 8 with a hot roller.  It’s gonna hit eventually.

Eric Patterson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Should get 2nd base eligibility with O-Dog O-ut.  Right now, we own Patterson in an NL-Only league.  The power isn’t for real, but for a short shot of SAGNOF, I could see adding him in mixed leagues.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-3 with his first home run.  Now one off the pace being set by Eric Patterson.  Because I don’t own Hawpe anywhere, I honestly didn’t know how bad he’s been.  A .183 average and one homer.  What hitters would sign with the Padres?  They really need to move the fences in front of the Randy Jones and Nate Colbert statues.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s got a live arm.  I like him and I’m not just saying that cause I actually own him.  Well, maybe a little.  Has a decent K-rate and a terrible walk rate on a terrible team which limits him to NL-Only leagues for now.  Maybe a streamer in mixed H2H leagues, but you need to be slightly desperate.

Brandon Lyon – 0 IP, 3 ER.  When he comes in for a save and you own him, it’s likely the worst news you hear all day.  If I felt differently, I’d be Lyon.

Mark Melancon – Worth a speculative add in case the naked pictures Lyon has of Ed Wade’s Toupee are burned and he’s finally replaced.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I really hope he’s not bumped from the rotation because he should be even better than he was yesterday, which wasn’t bad.

Carlos Pena – 2 homers, 2 days.  Member when Lind started hitting homers last week and I said how I hate to drop guys like him and Pena because when they get hot, they hit 5 homers in the matter of days and it was like they were never slumping?  Yeah, Pena’s now hot.

Marlon Byrd – Out of the three hole, he hit a three run homer while batting .290 on the year.  Yet, he still only has 8 RBIs on the year.  That’s enough to make Tim Kurkjian’s voice crack.

Allen Craig – When Freese went down, La Russa said the 3rd base job would be shared by Descalso and Punto, so, of course, La Russa has done nothing but play Allen Craig.  *shakes fist, accidentally bangs funny bone, shakes entire arm*  Craig has a decent bat if he plays every day.  He could hit 12-14 homers, steal 10 bases and have a .280ish average in a few months time.  It’s also worth noting La Russa could bench him for Punto at any point for no apparent reason.

Pedro Alvarez – I don’t want to think he didn’t play yesterday, instead I like to think he walked 4 times.  Cause that’s our relationship, he sucks and I lie to myself about it.  Alvarez, I’d catch a grenade for you.  You bastard!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Hommy Tanson in the preseason, not sure why I don’t have him on any team.  “Such has been my fantasy life so far,”  Grey said as he wiped away a single tear a’la a Native American watching someone litter.

Tim Hudson – 9 IP, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks.  The Brewers are a solid lineup to be one hit.  Maybe they caught Braddock’s sleep disorder.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  That ticker shock was actually a relief.  Hay-zeus Chreesto, I thought he really gave up 7 runs.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Schweet, schweet Scherzer.

Al Alburquerque – 1 IP, 2 Ks.  You know where Al Alburquerque is from?  Santa K.

Adam Lind – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  To think you wanted to drop him less than two weeks ago, for shame.

Brandon Morrow – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s a bit of a WHIPping post nightmare, but his Ks are delicious.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  A day after Rauch got a neck tattoo that read, “BS,” Frank² came on and did a pretty mediocre job of proving his worth.  I imagine it’s still a time share.

David Freese – After his successful surgery, Freese said, “”They put the bones back together, put a plate over it, and then put five little screws in there.”   Sounds like he had the surgery done at Ikea.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks in Metco.  Mets should’ve dressed Mr. Met up in a toga so he’d look like a giant doobie.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s not returning from an arm injury, so I’m chalking this up as rust.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s one thing when you’re looking bad compared to Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels, but can’t Joe Blanton catch a break to collect his self-esteem?

Joel Zumaya – Will undergo exploratory elbow surgery.  Which means they will shrink Rick Moranis and send him in to check it out.

Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone.  When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place.  He couldn’t.  Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job.  Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties.  Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it.  So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab.  His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further.  It’s not a good day to own Sandoval.  Yesterday wasn’t very good either.  Tomorrow probably won’t be much better.  Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point.  When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen.  Why does he have an anus in his stomach?

Ian Desmond – Here’s one that made me do a double take.  Ian Desmond has 10 steals.  Zoinks!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.

Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon.  Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name.  This is a boost for Trumbo.  Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.

Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove.  Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”

Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend.  Sonavabench!  Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year.  And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.

Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus.  That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.

Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90′s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters.  “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs.  Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World?  Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?

Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down.  Too bad, so sad.

Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A.  His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.

James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday.  [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere.  [/Grey's stupid]

Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers.  You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.

Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness.  I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.

Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Didn’t look terrible.  Yeah, not a huge compliment.  Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board.  In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him.  He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP.  Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo?  You POS’s.

Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence.  I’m not worried.  Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.

Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.

Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me!  So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.

Carlos Lee – He was hurt in a collision with Angel Sanchez.  El Caballo was taken off the field as the Astros put the cart before the horse.

Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out.  Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks.  His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad.  Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.

Justin Morneau – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only one off Melky Cabrera’s 2 homers.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year.  How is that possible?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, what the eff?

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs.  Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals.  Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of.  A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average).  Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Yeah, I have no idea either.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K.  Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings.  So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.

Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days.  Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.

Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers.  There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.

David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice.  Pun Master P, “Brilliant!”  Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base.  If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.

Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand.  X-rays came back negative which is actually positive.  Weird!

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year.  Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco.  They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year.  Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.

Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery.  Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse.  Well, not really.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd.  Good start, good start, good start, terrible start.  It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose.  Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!

We’re gonna try and turn over a new, positive leaf here at Razzball. No longer are we going to sing the blues when one of our favorites doesn’t make the team.  We’re gonna emoticon all over your face for someone else.  That other person just happens to be the guy replacing Mike Minor in the rotation.  Three ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you, Mr. Brandon Beachy.  In Triple-A last year, Beachy had a 9+ K/9 with just over a 1 BB/9 through 45 2/3 IP.  That’s purdy.  Let’s see more! Okay, random italicized voice.  In Double-A earlier last year, he had a 12+ K/9 and about a 2 and a half BB/9.  Not bad, but what’s behind curtain number 3?! Random italicized voice, don’t you have some random italicized television to watch?  Snippy! I loved Mike Minor, but you know what?  I can get behind Brandon Beachy, in the non-sexual way.  Has solid strikeout stuff and good control.  Everywhere you have Minor, go with Beachy.  Or Jordan Zimmermann, he’s still butter with the “ER.”  (<–That’s my expression but feel free to use it.)  Anyway, here’s some more news from fantasy baseball:

Kevin Slowey – Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy as he was sent to the buwwpen.

Kendrys Morales – Shut down now because of soreness in his foot.  Must be from carrying around that extra S.

Chris Coghlan – Will be ready for Opening Day.  Man, that’s some yawnstipating news.

Ben Francisco – Haven’t seen this doode on too many teams in the comments.  Why is that?  Not rhetorical.

Brett Gardner – Will bat leadoff against righties.  How is he worse than Ellsbury?  Rhetorical!

Frank Francisco – Wait a second, he went to see Dr. Freeze and now he’s going to the DL?  That’s just crazy talk.  I’d grab Rauch, but, unfortunately, Dotel is looking healthy so he could monkey wrench up this shituation.

Curtis Granderson – Out with a strain of the oblique.  Better than one of those monkey strains that Dustin Hoffman saved the world from in Outbreak.  Or is it?!  Yeah, I think it probably is.  As of this roundup, no news how long Grandy would be out but I’m guessing he’ll miss at least two weeks of the season.

Eugenio Velez – Sprained his ankle.  Dusty Baker said of Velez’s ankles, “I’d like to chew on those toothpicks.”

Will Rhymes – As reported here last week here then argued about how I was wrong in the comments, Rhymes is starting at 2nd for the Tigers.  Since Leyland’s making out the lineup cards, he’ll probably hit Rhymes second.  Why do you care?  Because Will be rhyming and stealing.  It’s SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Marlon Byrd – Has been on fire in spring training.  And, usually, you put a bowl of crap in one hand and spring training stats in the other and see which one weighs more.  Yet… Actually this is a big YET, Byrd will hit third in the lineup and had a big 1st half last year.  And that’s Grey getting excited about a Byrd in the three hole!  Hmm, that sounds like something that could get you prison time.

Jake Peavy – Threw from 40 feet yesterday.  Only problem it was 40 feet high.  He dropped the ball from a building.