Hey, I’m Higgins and I’m going to be posting updates about our Fantasy Razzball leagues. If you are not familiar with Fantasy Razzball, it is a league format where us truly masochistic fantasy baseballers try to build the worst fantasy baseball team possible. Full rules can be found here.
Now that we are over a month into the season it is time to not only look at the master standings and applaud those that have successfully been terrible, but also put on our 20/20 Hindsight Glasses and mock the bad performances in the land of bad performances. Six leagues of ten were formed and thus far the king of the anti-champions is Pyramid Lake Cui-ui, coming out of Division 3 with 1,550 points. Fueling his super futility is his drafting of three of the top six positions players on the player rater: Emilio Bonifacio (151 points, 1st round), Clint Barmes (148, 3rd), and Marlon Byrd (139, 15th). No slouch at being terrible on the mound either, he has milked five losses out of Ervin Santana after picking him up as a free agent and watching him become the #1 pitcher on the board with 119 points. Congratulations on your early lead and skills at assembling a terrible team, Pyramid Lake Cui-ui! If we find out you are Dayton Moore in disguise, you will be disqualified for cheating.
Looking back at draft day we can recognize some early breakthroughs and busts (other than Billy Butler’s). In 2011 Adam Dunn put up an incredible league-best 608 points, and as a result he was taken in the first round of every draft this year. Those hoping for a repeat from Big Donkey, complete with the all-important first base eligibility, have been pummeled with a net total of -1 points so far. Whoops!
Meanwhile Austin Jackson‘s 181 strikeouts and only 10 home runs in 2011 made him #3 on the board with 503 points and a favorite for 2012 Fantasy Razzball MVP as he went first overall in 4 out of the 6 drafts (and second overall in Razzball 5, where team My Sports Rumors either missed the draft or didn’t get the league memo as he took Miguel Cabrera first overall). What has Ajax rewarded those early drafters with here in 2012? Just 14 points in 118 at-bats as he hits .322 and is “only” striking out 19% of the time. Man, he’s gotta get better at being worse! Confused? Me too!
And the breakthrough performances through the first month and change? Danny Espinosa leads all players with 165 points as he hits .191 and strikes out 30% of the time, but he was a top 20 player in 2011 and was drafted as early as the 2nd round. The real surprise player in the rankings is Albert Pujols, who was a top-five player until last week and comes in with 119 points in 126 at-bats. Undrafted by anyone not pulling a La Russa and falling asleep at the wheel to autodraft their team, El Hombre is racking up razz points like it’s 1909. He has been picked up by only those with the biggest cojones, as he could quickly go from 2011 Adam Dunn to 2012 Adam Dunn who I guess could go back to 2011 Adam Dunn but is being owned like he’s 2012 Adam Dunn, or unowned or… Yeah, I’m not sure, but there you have it!
Until next time, keep an eye out for those AAA call-ups and injury replacements and anyone getting playing time with the Minnesota Twins
Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year. Kudos to those of you who streamed, Humber. A few of our comments on Saturday went like this, “Grabbed Humber for a stream cuz there was no one else, then dropped him before I even realized he pitched a perfect game.” Nice Humberbrag! Before you feel too proud of yourself for being the first to pick up Humber, just remember that the last two guys to throw a perfect game in the AL are Dallas Braden and Mark Buehrle. The only difference between those non-dominating lefties and Humber is that Humber throws right handed and his first name is what I used to call the guy at the gas station when I was a jerky teenager. You know, I gave him an aptronym. Consider this perfect game less a reminder to pick up Phil Humber, but more a reminder that it’s generally a safe bet to stream a pitcher at Seattle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marlon Byrd – Traded to the Red Sox as the player to be named later for an old bet between Epstein and John Henry. Teach Epstein to say, “I bet in eight years the greatest band in the world will be Hoobastank.” Marlon Byrd is a marginal power, not great speed guy that has more real world value, like everyone who’s ever been on The Real World. Think 12 homers, 5 steals. If that excites you, take your meds, you’re excited too easily.
Michael Bowden – The once interesting prospect pitcher went the other way. You can take that both ways, i.e., he’s no longer interesting and he’s headed to the Cubs (and presumably middle relief). I wouldn’t be surprised if Epstein knows something that we don’t know (okay, probably a lot of something) in regards to Bowden, but for now there’s nothing to see here.
Tony Campana – Finally, we’re done with real world value where things matter like bill-paying and not getting annoyed when someone refills the toilet paper so it unrolls under. Put it over so it rolls out! *breathe, Grey, breathe* With the trade of Byrd, Campana was recalled and started in center yesterday where he went 1-for-2. Campana can steal 30 bases in 300 ABs. He’s crazy fast. He just ran into your cubicle, refilled your toner and ran out without you seeing him.
Jarrod Parker – Fat Jonah announced that Parker will be called up by the A’s for Wednesday’s game. Last year, Parker was pretty pedestrian, but that might’ve been him still regaining his control from Tommy John surgery. I just thought of something: If I had something that was terminal and got to “Make a Wish,” my wish would be to have Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John. If Parker strikes out over 8 per nine as he’s done in the minors, gets ground balls and regains his control, he’s the best starter you’re picking up off waivers right now. If he fails to translate his Ks and ground balls, then you have an A’s starter that could roofie you.
Jemile Weeks – 0-for-4, now batting .197. Where’s your manners, Jemile? If he were sucking this bad, Rickie would at least have the decency to get hurt.
Alfredo Aceves – I had this friend from high school, let’s call him Brian, cause that was his name. Brian got a job at a hot dog place that served the best chili I’ve ever had. So Brian got a job at this hot dog place and decided to start putting pubic hair into the chili. Word spread pretty fast and the hot dog place that was there for 25 years was out of business within 6 months. Alfredo Aceves is my friend Brian and that chili is the Red Sox’s closer job.
Daniel Bard – Seems slightly crazy that everyone, except the Red Sox knew Bard should be in the bullpen, but now he’s there. He just went from K to F or M. It might be temporary as his start was rained out, but I’d still grab him in the non-sexual way.
Roy Oswalt – Red Sox and Cards are reaching out to him to pitch for them. Razzball got an exclusive peek at the negotiations! “Roy, have you ever heard of my friend, Benjamin Franklin?” The negotiator pulls out a hundred. Oswalt shakes his head. “Maybe you’ve heard of my friend, John Deere?” Oswalt perks up.
Sergio Santos – To the DL with what I’m calling, “I told you not to draft him in the preseason!” Grab Francisco Cordero immediately. Though, I imagine unless you’re in a league with yourself and nine teams you own under different aliases, he’s gone. Though II: The Return of Though (that the critics dubbed: Why do they keep making Though’s): If you’re in a league against nine of yourself, I appreciate you still reading Razzball even if you might not need quote-unquote advice.
Francisco Cordero – Got the ugly save yesterday after giving up a run. Hey, it’s like he’s been closing all year!
Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Kinda felt this start coming. Still like Duffy’s promise, but he looks about as safe to own as Filthy Sanchez and Hochevar. Imagine the sun is made of walks and their wings are made of Ks.
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Ugh, just having a real hard time advising to pick up O’s starters, especially one that had declining Ks before coming to this country. I’d let someone else gamble.
Giancarlo Stanton – He says his knee is better. From his mouth to God’s ears… Which I guess is him talking to himself.
Nick Swisher – Had a lovely time in Boston. 5-for-9 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs. Then the lemon butter dill sauce on the Dover Sole at Legal Seafood effectively masked the spit flavoring added by Chef Sully.
Mark Teixeira – M-Teix usually likes Aprils as much as Garfield likes Mondays but May seemed to come a fortnight early this year. After hitting his 1st HR of the year on Thursday, Teixeira hit 2 HRs and a double on Saturday – including an opposite-field HR as a lefty. Our little M-Teix is all May’d up.
Michael Pineda – Had a setback during his rehab, which Girardi deemed “not good.” I’ll add “indeed.”
Adrian Beltre – Adrian’s rocky relationship with his hamstrings continues as he strained one on Saturday. Beltre is headed for an MRI on Monday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstring says some wet blanket bullcrap like, “It’s suicide. You’ve seen your leg, you know how fragile it is….you can’t run!” Then the hamstring complains at Whole Foods when it has to pay full price for a Coppola wine.
Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. Can’t he party with Kinsler and some 19-year-old girls in a bathroom stall every preseason?
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER with a 11+ ERA on the year. To rope fantasy baseballers back in, he’s due for a six unearned run, twelve walk no-hitter.
Frank Francisco – The closerousel continues as Frank Frank gets the dreaded vote of confidence. When a manager, says someone is still their closer that gives them about five days before they’re no longer the closer. I’d pick up Rauch, but wear back support he looks heavy.
Daniel Hudson – To the DL with a shoulder impingement, which is the worst kind of after-start ‘ment a pitcher can get. He’s without a timetable; that’s a nice way to say, “Shizz just got real.” The good news, the MRI revealed no structural damage, but the MRI was at 2-for-1 Ruby Tuesday’s happy hour yesterday. Between Hudson and Collmenter, the Diamondbacks’ stalling on you-know-who just got accelerated. If you don’t know you-know-who, hint: he’s the next blurb.
Trevor Bauer – The Bauer countdown has officially begun. Or said again with a whisper scream as he’s distracted because his daughter is in danger. Scott has Bauer 9th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospects list. There, he compares him to Lincecum. I think he meant that as a compliment. In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s time to start stashing Bauer. I think he’s up within the month, but could depend on Hudson.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs. And here we thought it was Krispie. The D-Backs’ centerfield position is an unknown location in Tibet with mystical powers.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. I feel the tide starting to go out on Boesch in the comments. I get it, he’s been terrible so far, but in most leagues I’d try to hold out. He’s in such a great spot in a lineup and Leyland Ron Popeil’s his lineup about as good as anyone.
Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Okay, you have to own him at this point. He has nearly a K per inning and a 1.13 ERA. I do think the bottom could fall out at any time. Or at least fall relatively back to earth.
Kyle Blanks – To have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. He didn’t blame the injury on carrying around David Eckstein in a bjorn.
Anthony Bass – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Juan Francisco – Homered yesterday as he started at 3rd. Too bad Glass Chipper isn’t due for a setback for another three days.
Jon Jay – Heading to St. Louis for tests on his shoulder. No word if he’s being transported by Clydesdale, but I think that’s the only method of transportation in St. Louis, so maybe it’s implied.
Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kinda excited for May just so I don’t have to keep talking about this schmohawk in a positive light.
Andrew McCutchen – Batting .351 in the three hole and has 2 RBIs on the year. Guys and (4 ladies), your Pittsburgh Pirates!
Ryan Zimmerman – He was scratched on Saturday (aaah…) and then Sunday was rained out, but he expects his shoulder to be up to snuff for Tuesday. Bob Crane would say that’s hot.
Chad Billingsley – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros. Look in the mirror. See that person? They got sucked in by Billingsley.
Freddy Sanchez – Will start Monday his rehab, I said, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.”
Cliff Lee – The Adverb is off to the DL with an oblique injury following his 10 inning scoreless start. Little known fact – Jack Morris had to ice his moustache for a solid week after that memorable 10 inning World Series start. ObLeeque had a strained abdomen with the Mariners in 2010 that cost him a month – hopeful Lee this will be limited to missing 3 starts.
Chris Narveson – Chris Capuano 2.0 looks done for the year with a rotator cuff injury. On the bright side, he now has more time to sell insurance to the fine folks of Punxsutawney.
Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation? Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese. Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are. Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts. So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network. Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask. Because Selig is a f*cking idiot. That asterisk is a U, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear. Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans. Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play. Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn? Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues. They’re all fair game. If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters. From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco. I already grabbed Smoak in one league. If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some. Kurt Suzuki? What the hey! Seth Smith? Do it! Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him! Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too. Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast! But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning? I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue. Once again, eff Bud Selig.
Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain. Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.” Isn’t that layman’s terms? Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start. I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned. It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms. Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack. He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.
Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers. Actually, I think this is a non-story. The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up. Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors. Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan. Maybe he threatened them with a liger.
Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day. This is a happy day for Miggy owners. Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”
Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest. They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.
Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready. This is surprising to me. Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st. If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!). AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs. His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too. Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –> He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field! Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you. You are so not Ian Stewart. That flake. See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise. He walks. He walks, you sexy beast! Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins! Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins? Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A. He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen. In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends. Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.
Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him. Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon. He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?! Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.
Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold. I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough. Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.
Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera. The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel. Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage. I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.
Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip. Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday. Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.
Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre. He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench. I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench. Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?
Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post. I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.
Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness. I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness. The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI. For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.
Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot. I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.
Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop. No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.
Jack Cust – Released by the Astros. When pressed for comment, Jack cussed. He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut. Cust kayin’.
Say ‘Tony Campana in Centerfield’. Now say it again, only this time with an Antonio Banderas accent, a la Puss in Boots. There was no reason for any of that, I just want to see how many people will now get that stuck in their head every time they read his name.
Technically, I’m cheating as Grey has already mentioned him in brief in his Fantasy Schmohawk post about Michael Bourn. However, I do feel there’s room to wax poetic about this speed demon. Tony currently does not have a starting role in the Chicago Cubs outfield. For some reason Marlon Byrd, David DeJesus & Alfonso Soriano are slated to receive the brunt of anger for another season of losing. Plus, let us not forget the Cubs current main prospect – Brett Jackson – will most likely get his shot later this summer. So where in this scenario can we see Tony getting the PT for those SB? Well, that outfield isn’t exactly full of spring chickens with the youngest of the three being DeJesus at 32. So what is the opposite of a spring chicken and what happens to them, you ask? I’m pretty sure it’s an old bird and usually their goose is cooked. Hrm, I think my fowl analogies (fowlogies?) are getting mixed. Let’s move on.
The Cubs have been trying their best to shop Alfonso all winter to no avail. Both David & Marlon profile as a good 4th outfielders and could find their way out of Chicago via trade to a contender by summer for outfield depth. And another thing, who exactly is going to hit leadoff for these Cubs? If the experiment stays true, it’s looking like the man with 51 career stolen bases out of 97 attempts, DeJesus. I know no one funks with DeJesus but even if he were R. Kelly and believed he could fly, his age and career profile has him stealing less than 5 bags.
With all the chatter about Dee Gordon being one of the fastest men in baseball, it’s funny how people have forgotten about Campana. In 155 plate appearances last year, he had 24 stolen bases. If you do what I say never to do and extrapolate that over 500 plate appearances, you get 77 steals and lotsa extra numbers to the right of the decimal point that don’t add up to a 78th one. That’s Gordon speed that you can find in the ‘ND’ part of the draft. Fangraphs has both Dee and Tony’s ‘Spd’ rating - something best described here – in the ‘very fast’ tier as they both rated above a 7 in 2011. Though it would be nice to see him strike out less, he has near a 4:1 ground ball to fly ball rate, giving him ample opportunity to put his assets to work. In a full season, I’d conservatively give him a .270 average and about 45 stolen bases.
Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average. Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown! As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors. Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything. Like all of us. Geez, that’s dark.
Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt. I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.
Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250. BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother? Matilde. You’re welcome, English language. I’m making you better.
Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues. Know who else had hammy issues? Kermit the Frog.
Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre. Someone change Bill James’s sheets!
Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP. That’s good. More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.
Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters. And Bartlett just for speed. So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season. Any the hoo! He has 3 homers on the year!!! (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.) And he has only two homers since April 2nd. Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.
Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John. Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out? Nope. Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues? Yup. Should he be owned in your league? Mupe. That’s colloquial for maybe.
J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15. The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher. Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.” Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers. Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.
Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.
Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built. You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.
Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5. I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat. I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection. He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers. He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot. He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.
Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run. Ticker tease!
Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank. See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.
Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career. Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling. Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.
Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday. Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder? Yeah, he could still do that.
Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer. First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.
Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend. Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old. Giddy up.
Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend. He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother. Yup.
Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games. Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak? Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.
Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend. He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons. In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy. In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.
David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday. Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.
Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER. When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game. Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence. Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!
Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday. Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up. Madson had also saved the previous two games.
Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday. I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run. In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started. And for the Cardinals. Geiger, let’s go!
Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER. If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.
Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers. Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year. Go ahead scoff, you scoffer. But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?
Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year. You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent. These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t. Your friend, “You should break up with her.” “We all have our quirks…” Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.” “But she has great breasts!”
Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160. My man’s on fire!
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes. Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.
Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games. That’s an impressive skid mark.
