Fantasy Baseball Advice

We’ve already went over the top 20 catchers for 2008; soon we’ll go over the top 20 2nd basemen for 2008, but right now we’re going over the top 20 1st basemen for 2008. It’s a look back, ya’ll! Don’t worry, soon we’ll look forward, but how you know where you at, if you don’t know where you been? Understand where I’m coming from? B-Real! Looking at the top 20 1st basemen is a lot more exciting than looking at the top 20 catchers for 2008. Because these 1st basemen can actually make a difference? Um, yeah. Dur. As previously noted on this blog, Hardball Times has already looked at our preseason top twenty 1st basemen — that I did on JANUARY 10TH, btw. (Sorry, for the caps, but it’s pretty impressive how right on I am considering when I did the predictions.) Well, now it’s our turn to hold up a reflective surface to our own list. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2008 and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. Albert Pujols - Going into 2008, Pujols had some question marks due to a lackluster (by his standards) 2007 and a balky elbow. Pujols took a high-grade tear and put up high-grade numbers. Ruth’s Chris USDA Prime, and ya know that! Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  110/40/115/.330/2, Final Numbers:  100/37/116/.350/7

2. Lance Berkman - The real difference between the preseason expectations and the actual numbers are the steals, but I’m going to paraphrase something Rudy says, “If speed is not a player’s game, you can’t count on any steals.” Which means you count on steals from Willy Taveras, you do not count on steals from Lance Berkman. Anything you get is a plus. Preseason Rank #7, Preseason Predictions:  110/30/115/.290/5, Final Numbers:  114/29/106/.312/18

3. Mark Teixeira - I thought he’d put up almost exactly the numbers he did put up. Yet, I ranked him at #5 and he came in at #3. What does that tell you? 1st basemen numbers were down? Excellent, Daniel-san. Now catch me something bigger than a fly and put some Catsup on it. Preseason Rank #5, Preseason Predictions:  110/35/120/.305, Final Numbers: 102/33/121/.308/2

4. Aubrey Huff - There’s always a few guys that maintain their hot starts that I will never trust — Cliff Lee, Xavier Nady and Aubrey Huff, to name a few. You can own them; just don’t trust them. To paraphrase what I said earlier in the year, Aubrey Huff reminds me of Mike Lowell. Will he get 15 home runs or will he hit 30? Will he hit .250 or .300? Huff’s an enigma wrapped in a girl’s name. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  96/32/108/.304/4

5. Kevin Youkilis - I was so close in my preseason predictions (I switched Youuuuuuk’s Runs and RBIs because he switched from the top of the lineup to the sixth spot. If people think that’s cheating, here’s something for you), but Youuuuuuuuk jumping from 14th to 5th shows how truly Jason Kendall-weak the first basemen were this year. (This was the point of that Hardball Times article.) I haven’t gone over my research yet for 2009 conclusively, but I do believe 1st base will be a bit deeper next year. This will be something to watch. If your leaguemates overestimate the depth of the 1st basemen position, you could be sitting pretty if you reach for one early. We’ll go over this more during the winter. Preseason Rank #14, Preseason Predictions:  90/21/115/.290/3, Final Numbers:  91/29/115/.312/3

6. Miguel Cabrera - Looks like it was Cabrera that missed Olivo’s hugs more than the other way around. But, in the end, Miguel Cabrera gave about what he always gives minus some runs and average. He’ll probably be in my top ten for 2009. God, I can’t wait for the 2009 season. Is that weird? (Note: Cabrera gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for third basemen. The top twenty third basemen for 2008 will be here next week.) Preseason Predictions:  110/35/125/.315/4, Final Numbers:  84/37/127/.292/1

7. Ryan Howard - Frankly, I want Howard a lot higher than he’s ranked here. His major negative is his average, but you can outweigh that with some high average middle infielders and get exactly what you need from Howard, which is– a recipe for a deep-fried Twinkie? No. Power. Recognize! Preseason Rank #3, Preseason Predictions:  100/50/140/.275, Final Numbers:  105/48/146/.251

8. Justin Morneau - Flyball rate stayed, well, down and the power never really came around this season. His “known” makes him seem more valuable than his actual production at this point. Seems like he’s destined to fall somewhere between five and ten in 1st basemen rankings. Preseason Rank #8, Preseason Predictions:  90/35/110/.275, Final Numbers:  97/23/129/.300

9. Adrian Gonzalez - He’ll prolly be ranked about here for the next five years. Unless he gets traded to Coors. Holy heffin’ hey! Imagine A-Gonz in Coors? Hey, Holliday, don’t worry about that slacker Atkins. I’m here to hit 45 home runs. You’re welcome. Oh, and I’m a chubby chaser. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  90/33/105/.280, Final Numbers:  103/36/119/.279

10. Carlos Delgado - From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Delgado? This yeario, Fife. Preseason Rank #17, Preseason Predictions:  70/28/95/.260, Final Numbers:  96/38/115/.271/1

11. Prince Fielder - You can’t eat salad on a stick! Man up. Preseason Rank #2, Preseason Predictions:  115/50/125/.285, Final Numbers:  86/34/102/.276/3

12. Jorge Cantu - In one of the best threads over in the Razzball forums, I named Cantu as one of my Fantasy MVPs. Poppycock, you say. Okay, but what the eff is poppycock and why are you saying it? When Hafner went down with I-ain’t-got-no-roids-itis and I wanted to commit Pronkicide, I grabbed Delgado or Cantu in just about all of my leagues. Mostly Cantu because he was more available. Anyway, he saved quite a few teams for me. I heart Cantu. Get over it. Unranked in Preseason, Final Numbers:  92/29/95/.277/6

13. Derrek Lee - His power really evaporated. There were doubles at the end of ‘07 that seemed to be forecasting a power comeback in ‘08, but it just never happened. Also, I find it fascinating that his runs are so down from my predictions considering the Cubs success this year. Since this is probably only fascinating to me, I’ll move on. Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  110/30/115/.290/5, Final Numbers:  93/20/90/.291/8

14. Joey Votto - I steamed up my colored contacts talking about Votto a few times this year — keep Votto? Fo shotto. (Note: I didn’t rank most rookies in the preseason top 20s, but I did make some preseason predictions for rookies.)  Preseason Unranked, Preseason Predictions:  .285/20/75, Final Numbers:  69/24/84/.297/7

15. Jose Lopez - He was unranked, but on April 4th, I told you to pick up Lopez, when I said, “If you have an erection for longer than four hours after you pick up Lopez, you should go see a doctor. But he’s hitting number two on the Mariners. So, well, there’s that. Honestly, he’s young and he’s started off hot.” And that’s me quoting me! I’ll have to look at his numbers closer going forward, but I might like him next year (for 2nd base, obviously). Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 80/17/89/.297/6

16. Conor Jackson - At 26, his power took a step backwards? Who are you — Felipe Lopez? The only adverb I can think of for Conor Jackson is yawstipatingly. I prefer all of the guys ranked below him on this list, except for Loney. Why, Grey? Why so down? Well, random italicized voice, Conor Jackson is only ranked this high because he gave you 10 steals. That’s no reason to have a 1st baseman. You could’ve had an off-waivers Juan Pierre for one good week and got half of that. Unranked in Preseason, Final Numbers:  87/12/75/.300/10

17. Garrett Atkins - Watch your toes, everyone. Atkins is taking a step backwards. Home runs have gone from 29 to 25 to 21. In 2009, hello 17 home runs. (Note: Atkins gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for 3rd basemen. In fairness, if I had ranked him, I would’ve placed him higher than 17th.) Preseason Predictions:  85/34/115/.300, Final Numbers:  86/21/99/.286/1

18. Adam Dunn - I’m a huge fan of Dunn. Ain’t that apropos? His average took a hit, but his BABIP shows he was pretty unlucky this year. When a guy aims for .250 gets unlucky, it becomes a sub-.240 average. Zoinks! (Note: Dunn gained 1st base eligibility during the season so he was only ranked for outfielders. In fairness, if I had ranked him, I would’ve placed him higher than 18th.) Preseason Predictions:  100/45/110/.265/7, Final Numbers:  79/40/100/.236/2

19. James Loney - His preseason predictions and his final numbers speak a ton about the problems 1st basemen had this year. See I pegged him for 19th overall amongst 1st basemen and he came in at 19th, you would think his final numbers would be close to his preseason predictions, but his numbers were awful. We get it! 1st basemen numbers were down. School’s out, Alice Cooper. Preseason Rank #19, Preseason Predictions:  95/22/85/.315, Final Numbers:  66/13/90/.289/7

20. Carlos Pena - My instincts back in January were to lower him even further than the 11th place perch where I ranked him. As Malcolm Gladwell would say, “Blink, sucka!” Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  85/22/80/.260, Final Numbers:  76/31/102/.247/1

Sometimes getting to the World Series takes more than just talent.  Sometimes it takes a little psychological machinations to make it happen.  Sabathia brings the Brewers a talented co-ace with Sheets (bit of advice:  Sabathia was gassed at the end of the year - let him pitch a few 6 inning starts).  Durham provides them a motivational cattle prod for Rickie Weeks to step it up. The Brewers can say this was all about improving their depth but, really, do they make this trade if Weeks wasn’t hitting .216?  And it’s not like the Brewers are unafraid to make midseason adjustments.  Remember when they traded for F-Cord after Turnbow started to Turnbad? For his sake (and his FLB owners), Weeks better get hitting. When you think you can win the pennant, you put egos and reputations on ice. Remember the 1996 Yanks?  They were starting Charlie Hayes and Cecil Fielder over Wade Boggs and Tino Martinez at times. It’s all about production. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Heath Bell - Coughed up 3 ER in 1 IP. The other day 4 ER in 1 IP. Bud Black realizes the pain felt by San Diego that comes with every Trevor Hoffman 9th inning blown save so he’s now taught Heath Bell how to blow saves in the 7th or 8th.

St. Louis Cardinals - Glaus is hitting .284 and hits HRs every day.  Aaron Miles just went 3-for-5 with 3 runs and 4 RBI.  Let’s put it this way - if Larussa had the dice in his hand at a Craps table, I’m putting all my chips on the Come line.

Tim Lincecum - 6 IP, 5 ER. When walking outside in SF make sure you keep an eye on the sky, Lincecum’s falling to earth. And there’s nothing worse than getting Lincecum falling in your face. (And that’s a different Come line.)

Aaron Cook - Notched his 12th victory with 7 IP, 3 ER and an under one WHIP. I cannot believe I still have this schmohawk on my team in a ten team league, but he’s been better than I expected. I think the way he pitched in the All-Star game really showcased what he does best — get guys to groundout.

Kelly Shoppach - Now with 8 HRs…one for every million unhappy V-Mart fantasy baseball drafters.

Brian Wilson - A one inning Kazaam outing with 2 ER.  Wilson owners do not smile.  Some even make pet sounds.

Jaime Garcia - Gave up a home run to Cha Seung Baek. Cha Seung Baek you’ve just won a new Hyundai! Garcia is high on walks, decent Ks, very young. Deep league flier and matchups — like yesterday against the Padres, which didn’t turn out that swell. See first sentence of this entry.

Jose Guillen - Out of the starting lineup since the All-Star break with back spasms but contributed on Sunday with a SB and run in a pinch-hitting gig.  Assuming he doesn’t throw a tantrum and hurt himself, he should be a go in the next day or so.  Given he only has 1 RBI in his last 8 starts, keep him on the bench if you have a safer option.

Brandon Lyon - Two straight bad outings. This time, he spared Haren and took out his wrath on Webb.  Who misses Valverde?

Austin Kearns - 3-for-5 and scored 5 times in the rout against Atlanta, finally giving fantasy owners (all 16 of them) the right type of runs.

Mark Teixeira - 2 HRs in a losing cause.  Speak of losing causes, when are the Braves going to trade him?  Maybe the White Sox?

Jacoby Ellsbury - 0-for-5. The law firm of Jacoby Ellsbury just got served (you’re on your own figuring out that mixed metaphor). About .250 over the last two months, which I’d accept if he were stealing bags. He has one in July and it came on the first day of the month.

Edinson Volquez - 5 IP, 4 ER and he actually got lucky or there would’ve been more earned runs. You can’t say I didn’t warn you that the end of the brilliance was near.

Scott Baker - 8 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 8 Ks and was outpitched by Vicente Padilla who moved to 11-5. When a reporter asked Padilla if he thought he had a shot at 20, Padilla began to cackle at the absurdity of the thought. Latest reports confirm that he is still cackling.

Erik Bedard - Bedard out until August. Glass is half full, that’s only ten days away. Half empty, soon he’ll be out for the season.

Roy Oswalt - To the 15-day DL with a hip abductor strain. I wanted someone to take us through this to better understand how quickly Oswalt could return, so I asked the one person I know with hip problems. Grey’s Grandma, “A hip abductor strain? I think that’s the same thing Milldred got when she shouted Bingo. Supposedly, she didn’t even really have Bingo. She thought the Father said B-4, but he said “before.” Real shame to get something like a hip injury on a falsie. Have you seen my reading glasses? I put them next to the TV Guide and now I can’t find them. I wanted to do the crossword.”

Youuuuuuk hit two homers, Teix hit three home runs and, most importantly, Prince Fielder hit two home runs. Why do I say most importantly?  Well, with Youuuuuuuuk, I have him in one of my cash leagues, so I really hope he keeps hitting bombs because I know he has no trade value. With that said, I don’t think he keeps hitting bombs. So two home runs were nice, but they are what they are. As for Teix, he had three HRs, 4 RBIs. 6 of 13 home runs this month, which bodes well for a guy who doesn’t get hot until after the All-Star break. So the three homers are good, but no one was too worried. As for Prince Fielder aka the guy who now eats 16 Boca Burgers a day, he is a guy that you NEED home runs from. So it’s great to see fatty boombalatty finally hitting them. With 8 in June, he can still have 20-something home runs by the All-Star break and no one will remember why they hated him for two months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols - Looks like he’s returning this Thursday. Yesterday, I traded Pujols (and Mike Cameron) away for Sizemore. Not a slam dunk, but Sizemore is keeping pace in home runs with Pujols and I could use the steals. Cameron was a waiver pickup and would’ve been a drop with Sizemore anyway. Feel free to weigh-in (and mock me) in the comments. (I’m sure you will anyway.)

Shaun Marcum - Marcum heads to the DL and tea with Dr. James Andrews. (If Dr. James Andrews plays fantasy baseball, I can’t imagine anyone trades with him. “Hey, Dr. James here. Was wondering if you wanted to trade me Soria for Marcum.” Other owner, “Is Marcum going to be out longer than expected?” Dr. Jim pauses for a moment then, “No.”)

Randy Wolf - Wolf in Petco 10 Ks, 2 ER. His Home/Road splits actually made me laugh. Home 4-1/2.46/44 IP — Road 1-4/5.84/44.2 IP

Justin Duchscherer - One-time great A’s middle reliever now becoming a great starter.  1.99 ERA now after going 7 2/3 IP of 1 ER ball.  How many Cy Youngs could Chad Bradford won?

Ian Snell - Today Snell is going to have an MRI. Izzy blows five saves in a row — goes to the DL. Victor Martinez goes two months without a home run, hits the DL. Snell has a 5.99 ERA through almost half a season? He’s headed to the DL too. But this is not the Disabled List; this is the Disgraceful List.

Kaz Matsui - Strained his hamstring.  Rumor is that he injured himself once in Japan during pregame calisthenics. When asked how this compared with his injury earlier this year, Kaz said through a translator, “This one is frustrating but the one earlier this year was a real pain in the ass.”

Manny Parra - Parra got the win, but didn’t look that great doing it. He’s walking too many. Oh, well. What do I mean, “Oh, well?” Parra’s a fifth fantasy starter. You can deal with inconsistency from a fifth fantasy starter. Jurrjens gets hit? No biggie. Cueto needs his eye cut so he can see? He gets cut. Carlos Silva gets knocked around– Wait, why is Carlos Silva on your team?!

Mike Gonzalez - Gave up 3 ER. Braves are probably pining for Kerry Ligtenberg. (Meanwhile, the KKK pines for John Rocker.)

Jeff Clement - Hit a HR off Mike Gonzalez. If you’re struggling at catcher, there’s no reason to not take the Clement flier.

Chad Billingsley - My “I (heart) Billingsley” tattoo has people coming up to me saying, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” but Chad and I know who it’s for.

Ian Stewart - Optioned down to Triple-A. Now that all non-Kinsler Ians suck, when is baseball going to enter the age of Seamus?

Clint Barmes - He was the one that replaced Ian Stewart. Worth a grab for a MI spot if you’re hurting (like you just fell down stairs carrying a dead deer.)

Vicente Padilla - With 10 wins now, he is on pace for 20.   Improbable?  We’d say so.  The last Ranger to win 20 games in a season was Rick Helling in 1998.  Since then, only a couple Ranger pitchers have won 20 games combining seasons.  Only 15 more to go Brandon McCarthy!

Johnny Cueto - When a rookie starter gets called up, he goes through a cycle. First, he wows the league, can get everyone out because no one is familiar with his stuff. Then the league catches up with the pitcher and he hits an adjustment period and is knocked around by the league. Finally, the pitcher settles in and becomes what he is. So when Cueto pitches well against the Yanks, the natural thing is to assume he’s settled in and this is what he is. The problem is, the Yanks are in a different league so this outing may have been a blip. The good news, he’s only surrendered more than three runs once in the last eight starts. So is he or isn’t he out of the adjustment period? Um… Yeah. Maybe.

Jered Weaver - Beat Hamels, but didn’t outpitch him.  Seems at this point that his really hot start when he first came up is the anomaly and not the last year and a half.  That’s just the Weaver way.

Justin Verlander - After pitching at Petco, Verlander put on Chris Young’s jersey and tried to sneak into the Padres rotation. “I took Dramamine - I’m not dizzy anymore!” On a side note, Brian Giles called up Jim Edmonds and asked him to smuggle him out.

Chipper Jones says he thinks he injured himself while running out of the batter’s box. For a baseball player, this seems like a pretty innocuous place to injure themselves. How exactly do you get injured coming out of a batter’s box? Swing, turn, run. A layperson (you and I) does not come out of a batter’s box, but a similarly innocuous place might be, say, a bathroom. So imagine a buddy told you he hurt himself taking a crap. Previous week, he strained something showering. Couple of weeks ago, while putting unicorn jizz (that’s what I call toothpaste) on his toothbrush, he pulled a metacarpal. Previously, he’s broke a toe changing the TP, popped an eardrum Q-Tipping, sliced off a piece of nose while shaving, got a hernia while toweling off and he got a Grade 3 windburn from a blow dryer. Would you think your friend was a good bet to stay healthy until October? Yeah, me neither. As for Wainwright, this strikes me as really bad luck for his owners (which is me for many teams). He says that he should be fine and there’s no official word. I doubt official word is at all positive. Brace yourself for different options. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Matt Garza/Dioner Navarro - Had a scuffle in the dugout yesterday, causing Garza to get pulled early. Going forward this is a problem for one of my teams because I have both guys. Here’s my plan of action, I’m going to sit Navarro whenever Garza pitches, but in the meantime I’m going to have my corner infielder, Helton, talk to both of them about the importance of the Lord, charity and all of that. Then I’m going to bring Keith Foulke in to talk to both guys because– Wait, this is fantasy baseball, not real. Oh, yeah, then Dioner and Garza will be fine.

Kyle Lohse - 7-2. The “h” in his name is like a precarious Jenga piece.  At some point it will be pulled out, his success will collapse, and all he’ll do for your team is Lose.

Kevin Slowey - 8 ER in 3 IP. Another outing like that and he’s on the short bus back to AAA.

Aaron Harang - I’m trying not to blame that long relief outing still, but…. Ugh. He’s an excellent buy low candidate right now. He is better than his numbers.

Alexei Ramirez - 3-for-4 with a home run. The Alex(e)i with the ‘e’ is showing the Alexi without the ‘e’ they’re only similar in almost names.

Mark Reynolds - Now 6 home runs in 15 games. If you remember from the beginning of the season, Reynolds is what you call streaky.

Nick Swisher - Getting hot. If he’s on your waivers, he’s absolutely worth a pickup. He’s valuable when he’s hot.

Jason Giambi - 14th home run. Much like Ron Jeremy, Giambi sports a ’stache, swings a big bat, and appears out of shape and over the hill.

Luke Scott - From the files of abandoned outfielders that never produced, here comes another streaky hitter. Hit two home runs yesterday. Might hit three more in the next week. Cust kayin’.

Gavin Floyd - He has a 20/1 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. And his first name is Gavin. What’s not to like?

Wandy Rodriguez - Lost to the Cards, but his line doesn’t look awful. Only allowed four hits and no earned runs. 7 Ks.

Mark Teixeira - PABST has five HRs in the last 11 games. Might have officially turned the corner into a full season stud or FABST? Um… Not sure about this one anymore.

Justin Masterson - That’s it. You got what you got. I wouldn’t start him in his next start.

Curtis Granderson - I was happy to see Granderson hit a HR, but I was even happier to see him bat ninth. That makes a lot more sense than Miggy in the sixth hole.

Ryan Tucker - Must Die. I’d bid maybe a $1 in NL-Only leagues, but that’s about it.

BJ Upton - Two home runs in three days. Maybe this is when the power streak comes on. Then again, it was in Texas and Ramon Vazquez is hitting in Texas.

Vernon Wells - Not only came back early from a wrist injury, but hit a home run yesterday. I’d try and sell him quickfast.

Jose Guillen - Just in case you missed it, he hit 3 HR and 9 RBI over the weekend at Yankee Stadium. That’s now 9 HR and 45 RBI for the year (albeit with 25 R and .262 AVG).  Between this and Milton Bradley’s triple crown run, 2008 is shaping up as the year of the crazy. Jose had a incredibly silent 23/99/.290 last year in Seattle after some troubles in Washington, but he’s worth taking a flier on if he’s hanging around on the FA wire.  BTW, how incredibly dull is Carlos Guillen in comparison to Jose and Ozzie Guillen?  Jose and Ozzie Canseco were pretty nutty too.

David Ortiz went straight from DH to the DL. If there was any justice, he’d have at least gotten some time at DJ. So this is our rap ode, a ’sixteen’ if you know what I mean and watch Miss Rap Supreme….

David Ortiz - you partially tore your tendon,
Ain’t no good for slapping, ain’t no good for bendin’,
You’re the Big Papi…suckaz all try to copy,
Your belly’s like Buddha’s, theirs is lookin’ all sloppy.
Now you’re out of my lineup - ay dios mio,
My smile is gone, mi corazon es frio,
Thought I’d pick up Lyle Overbay - homey, I gotcha
Maybe LaRoche, is that French for cucaracha?
Sexson and Millar and Dmitri and Barton,
Have been MIA so long, they be on a milk carton.
Maybe I’ll trade - give up some relief pitchin’,
But even if it works, other leaguemates be bitchin’.
I’m pouring some out of my forty - that shit be real fittin’
Because that was the total of homers I thought you’d be hittin’
Now I got none other than Mike Jacobs,
Here’s hoping the Sawx are rained out 60 straight — need makeups!

Anyway, don’t bother with Sean (Big Yappy) Casey unless you’re in a Razzball league.  Here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Oliver Perez - There’s very few pitchers who can pitch well for three months at a time, yet you’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. That thud you felt tonight. That was the shoe.

Jay Bruce - Hit another home run yesterday. SaltyBiscuits (this is his real name) had some observations in yesterday’s comments about Jay Bruce. I thought it was only fair to share — SaltyBiscuits, “I once saw Jay Bruce hit 3 home runs with one swing. He scored 11 runs on the play and was awarded 3 bonus rbi’s due to his sheer awesomeness.” “Anyone notice Jay Bruce’s strange top hand adjustment during his batting stance? He kind of takes his hand off the bat for a second, almost like he is fixing his jersey. Well, it turns out that the mechanism in question is government regulated. It was instituted to prevent Jay Bruce from using full strength during his swing, which would have sent batted baseballs thousands of miles into the atmosphere causing damage to aircraft, satellite and migrating birds.” “Bud Selig has decided that Jay Bruce is no longer permitted to hold his baseball bat in the traditional fashion. From this point forward, before each at bat, Jay Bruce is given the choice to either hold the bat upside down or swing blindfolded.”

Melky Cabrera - I gotta be honest with you, if his name was John Smith. I’m not sure I would ever mention him. Last seven games, Melky is hitting .350.

Jeremy Guthrie - He do what he do. Quality starts. That’s all he does. And lose. He does that too. Remind me never to watch the Orioles again. Very frustrating.

Albert Pujols/Chase Utley - I never looked at Yahoo fantasy baseball before this year. I thought Rotoarcade was the guy I call when my lady decides to put her female “stuff” down the toilet. So I checked out the “big board” the other day. These guys are lucky Hater Bell has his hands full with Eric Karabell. Pujols is having a solid season, but he’s number one? I have him on one ‘pert team. Let’s just say, I’d offer my Benihana Buddha collection for Chase Utley. That means something! Also, why is Tim Curry the guy in charge of this “big board?” I thought William Fichtner stole all of his gigs.

Adam Wainwright - Ill-timed home run by Jason Michaels. On a related note, I hate Jason Michaels.

John Smoltz - The old man blew a save. Maybe he was a little rusty from being 41 or from throwing three trillion innings in the last 20 years. If you have him, you better hope he’s fine because now you’ll officially be selling low. Not an ideal situation.

Ryan Spilborghs - Back and batting third for people who keep track of that sort of thing. Won’t last past Holliday’s return, but there’s value for a week.

Ian Stewart - Fifth game at 2nd base. He’s better than the Alex(e)i twins.

Ben Francisco - Hit a home run in the two hole. Recognize! Actually, I’ve cooled on him since I picked him up last week, but he’s still on one team. Not sure for how long. Maybe ‘ever! (Is that apostrophe cutting off an “n” or a “for?” You make the call!) (Actually, it’s probably a “for” since an “n” wouldn’t really make sense. And that folks is how you go back-to-back with parentheses!)

Casey Blake - 2 HRs/7 RBIs. Andy Marte can’t catch a break.

Josh Hamilton -16 HRs/65 RBIs which is roughly 77 HRs/180 RBIs in street value.

Aaron Laffey - Marginal fantasy pitcher + game in Arlington = ugly

Jake Westbrook - Thanks for punching the clock. You can go back on workers’ comp now.

Mark Teixeira - Hit a home run. If anyone’s keeping track of these things, Teixeira is a 2nd half hitter. Zoinks! (BTW, His last name breaks the ‘I” before “E” rule and it trips me up every time. I’d go with Tex, but that’s a lame nickname. Mex would work for me, but that’s Just For Men. If someone can come up with a good nickname for him, I’ll give you the geocaching coordinates of a treasure that only me and a Hasidic Rabbi know about and, because of kosher laws, I’m the only that can get to it!)