Fantasy Baseball Advice

In a tie game, Cito Gaston brought in his closer, Scott Downs, to work the bottom of the ninth.  Downs did that, then the Blue Jays scored five runs in the top of the 10th.  So with the game in the bag, Gaston removed Downs for a pinch hitter, right?  Nah, that’s what a normal person operating heavy machinery would’ve done.  Gaston let Downs hit.  Okay, so he told Downs to take three strikes, right?  No point in swinging up by five, right?  Nah, you’re thinking too logical here.  Downs grounded out to shortstop, injurying himself on the way to first.  If I were Downs, I’d rip Gaston a new one on his LinkedIn profile.  Jason Frasor or B.J. Ryan gets dibs on the closer job if Downs goes to the DL.  Probably Frasor, but knowing the fascination the Jays have with Ryan getting the job back, I’m not sure.  Ryan has pitched 5 scoreless in June.  I grabbed them both where I could.  Thankfully, Downs beat gout in like three days two years ago, so hopefully he can bounce right back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – He took batting practice yesterday and is only days away now.  We shall see, assuming we’re not dizzy.

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Only blemish was a gopher ball to Anderson Hernandez, but there’s no shame in that.  Hernandez already had one homer back in 2006.

Robinson Cano – 4-for-4 with two ribbies.  BTW, if you owned a major league team, wouldn’t you serve ribbies?

Chris Young – Headed to the Disgraceful List.  I wonder (aloud as it were) if the Padres will promote Mat Latos (No, that’s not an island in Indonesia).  As the Old Dirty Bastard once said, Latos is raw, but he does have 34 Ks in 28 innings in Double A.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Sorry, what?  Ouch… Wandy, stop taking without asking.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!

Chris Volstad – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  This was a terrible matchup.  Some guys you just need to bench against American League teams.  I’m looking at you, Wandy.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 11 baserunners.  I’ll be gladardo when he’s back to facing weak National League teams too.

Casey McGehee – Before leaving the game with knee soreness, he went 0-for-4, which is not good enough for me and my Casey McGehee.

Mike MacDougal – A closer used in non-save situation would be a Kazaam!, but, well, MacDougal entered a non-save situation in the 8th inning.  Right now I believe Acta is treating his managing like Seniors in the last semester of High School.  He’s gonna be gone soon, doesn’t really matter what he does.

Jayson Werth – HR yesterday.  For full disclosure, I don’t own Werth in any league, so I wasn’t sure what he was currently doing.  He’s 10/10/.261.  This is exactly his *pinkie to mouth* worth.  20/20, .260 to .275, 100 Runs, 90 RBIs.  Bingo-bango!

Felix Hernandez – Two hitter.  Then there’s the AL pitchers who get to face NL teams.  Ah, yes, F-Her and the Padres. (Welcome, Googlers who were looking for info on that Miami priest.)

Dallas Braden – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Okay, Peavy is going to miss about 20 starts so this is one decent filled in start.  Only 19 more to go.

Jed Lowrie – Out on a rehab assignment and, barring any setbacks, could be a week or two away.  I have him stashed in a deep league. He’ll be put right back into the starting spot when he returns.

John Smoltz – Will return on Thursday to face the Nats.  I’d like to see Glavine and Maddux show up at the game wearing Nats jerseys.

David Ortiz – Hit another homer.  I haven’t seen any of homers this year, but this is the scene I’m picturing.  Count goes to 0-2… The ump takes Ortiz’s arm and lifts it.  Right before his arm falls back down, which will signal that he’s done, he reaches into his trunks and pulls out his eyedrops.  Drop in each eye as the crowd goes crazy.  Boom!  Home run as The Iron Shiek wonders how he got pinned.

Sean O’Sullivan – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Terrific debut for the Angels pitcher.  If you pick him up, you’re an O’Sucker.

Maicer Izturis – Yesterday, he hit his first homer in over a year.  So sick of taking DNPs from Julio Lugo in one deep league that I grabbed Izturis for one game.  Maicer!  What goes on?  Maicer!

Mike Napoli – 4-for-5, 9th homer and 3 RBIs.  About the catcher position, Ron Popeil says, “Set it and forget it.”

Joe Mauer – 4-for-4 and batting .429 on the year with 13 homers.  That would’ve been a good season for some guys.  Ty Cobb, for instance.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  You’ll take his 130 games and like it.

David Murphy – HR yesterday.  Sonavabench!  Murphy, you’re not even supposed to be starting against lefties.  What are you doing to me?  Why do bring agita to Grey?

Frank Francisco – After throwing yesterday, he said he felt like, “Money.”  If you’re not sure if that’s good or bad in a recession, it’s good.  He’ll be back in less than two weeks.

Jorge De La Rosa – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  To think at one time he seemed usable.  Rosa de la muertes.

Gil Meche – Shutout and he gets the Cards next.  Thank you, come again.

Mark Teahen – 3-for-4 night and batting .412 in his last 7 with a homer and a steal.  He’s batting 8th.  Callaspo and his .300 average?  7th.   Meanwhile, DeJesus bats 1st with a .240 average.  Can someone turn Trey Hillman’s lineup card upside down?

Nyjer Morgan – First homer since 2007, check him for eyedrops!

Justin Verlander – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Cards.  Wha’ happened?  This was a gimme.  Hopefully this isn’t like Groundhog’s Day with Verlander seeing Pujols’s shadow and now there’s going to be another two weeks of April starts.

Ben Zobrist – Did The Amazing Zobrist make another ball disappear?  Let me ask you this, did the Rays play?

Mike Hampton – To the DL with a strained groin.  This’ll hurt those leagues that only use Astros pitchers whose last name start with Hampton.

Ivan Rodriguez – HR yesterday as he tied the most games caught record.  In related news, Sammy Sosa was busted for a PED.  I think my 1998 Fantasy Baseball title now has an asterisk.

Hey, Matt Holliday finally hit a homer!  Please don’t tell me this is gonna be negative! Sorry, random italicized voice.  If you look at Holliday’s peripheral numbers you would see a guy that is more or less in line with his norms.  Now here’s the real kick in the nads.  He’s K’ing and walking less.  So what do I take away from that?  Trouble.  To me this means, Holliday is seeing more pitches to hit because AL pitchers haven’t been worried about him and rather than making them pay, Holliday’s putting the ball into play in the form of a flyout or groundout.  He’s hitting a bit fewer line drives than normal so that means his average may go up a bit, but I don’t think we see the .330 we were accustomed to in Colorado.  Now that he hit a homer, see if you can convince someone Holliday’s back from, uh, holiday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Garza – 7 2/3 IP, 2 baserunners.  Sonavabench!  This is the problem with Garza.  He instills so little confidence.  We’ll see what he does next time out.  I got suspicions.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Even the AL pitchers I like give me agita.  This is why I own Wolf, Paulino and Gaudin and have cast aside Carmona and Davies.  I’m convinced, it’ll make for longer life expectancy.

Julian Tavarez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Maybe he should’ve screamed nicely at the ball last night.

Joel Hanrahan – Quick actin’ Acta brought Hanrahanananan in to relieve Tavarez.  I’m close to calling uncle here.

Ryan Zimmerman – Another HR as he approaches his total from last year.  Well, not really but it feels that way.

Aramis Ramirez – Cubs said he will avoid the DL.  Hopefully, it’s that and not, he’ll avoid the DL for ten days then play one game then go on the DL.  Cause I’m not a fan of the 2nd option.

Jeff Weaver – 4 IP, 0 ER.  Guess what, Mom?  Your number one is back!  What?  You missed my game because you were resting up to watch Jered tomorrow?  Oh.  Yeah, I like his hair too.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 2 ER. Wasn’t an easy matchup, but pitched very well.  I’m convinced the Marlins have the best scouts in baseball.  They are so cheap… How cheap are they?  They got rid of Josh Willingham because he was too expensive. But they always seem to put a decent product on the field.

Sean Marshall – 7 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him coming into the year, but then when he didn’t pitch until the middle of the month I had to move on.  Now he’s at 19 IP and a 3.32 ERA with 15 Ks on the year.

Jorge Cantu – Another HR.  Where ya at, Nick Swisher?

Mike Napoli – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  This is why you ignore playing time and just put him in your catcher’s slot.

Huston Street – He might already be back in the closer’s picture.  That picture obviously isn’t pretty, but SAGNOF.

John Buck – Two triples.  5 RBIs.  I haven’t seen that much hustling from a guy named Buck since Midnight Cowboy.

Jesus Flores – Delivered a teabagger right in Joe Thurston’s face.

Mark Teahen – 8 runs for the Royals and he goes 0-for-5 with 1 Run.  What a ticker tease!

Mitchell Boggs – Has there ever been a more lawyery sounding pitcher than Mitchell Boggs.  Mitchell Boggs – Attorney at Law.  I can hear dear Phil Hartman’s faux sincere tone being his voice.  In his 2nd game started, he fanned 9 Nationals.  Granted, the batting practice pitcher does that every day before the game but still.  His minor league record indicates 5th starter (on an MLB team not fantasy team) at least for this year but he’s worth stashing in an NL-only team.

Dallas Braden – 5 “scoreless” innings. Quotes because Sweeney robbed Kinsler of a three-run homer.

Max Scherzer – You can’t K as many guys as him and Kershaw and not have breakout potential.

Chris Carpenter – May be back by late-May as he ran without pain.  May! (Rule of 3’s)

Eric Chavez – Headed to the DL.  Looks like someone was jealous of all the attention Nomar was getting.

Juan Cruz – Save as he fills in for Soria.  Soria’s supposed to come back, but that doesn’t mean he will.  Remember these clubs play fast and loose with the truth.

Chorizo – Still hasn’t won a race in Milwaukee this year.  Something smells fishy!  Wait, that’s the seafood paella!

Our weekly Friday Fantasy Baseball Feature, Buy Low/Sell High is back after an offseason layoff.  When asked what this fantasy baseball feature did during the offseason, it said this, “Went up to the Adirondacks for some bass fishing with my friend, Clete.  Well, one thing led to another and we fell in love.”  Alrighty then!  To get everyone on the same page, I like the Buy guys.  I dislike the Sell guys.  Now if Thames is in the Buy section (which he is!) and Lackey is in the Sell section (there too!) that doesn’t mean I recommend you trade Lackey for Thames.  Everything’s relative, Einstein.  Anyway, here’s some guys to buy and sell for the 1st week of the fantasy baseball season (start the games already!):

BUY

Alexi Casilla – Can run, can hit and at MI it pays to find out how much.

Emmanuel Burriss – Imagine Juan Pierre at 2nd base.  Run, Burriss, run.

Brett Gardner – It’s like a whole post of SAGNOF’ers.  Solid OBP and can steal 35 bags.  Don’t invest too heavily because the Yankees outfield is crowded, but I gots love for Gardner.

Marcus Thames – In 400 ABs, it’s not outlandish to think he could hit 30 HRs.  Actually, it’s quite landish.

Mark Teahen – 20/10?  Maybe.  Doesn’t hurt to find out.  Rotate middle infielders!  All the kids are doing it.

Russell Branyan – Every year a few guys rip up spring training and carry it into the regular season.  Don’t pay a lot for this schmohawk, but he’s worth a flier for power.

David Price – I like him better than Wieters, because, in the end, Wieters is just a catcher, but Price is a pitcher that can still get 120 to 140 solid innings.  Just bench him for a month.  You don’t really need Emilio Bonifacio that bad.  Unless you do.

David Freese – Now Glaus is not coming back until the All-Star Break.  Freese is the word.

Jason Motte – Sure, LaRussa’s doing everything he can to not appoint Motte the closer, but the alcohol has to wear off eventually.

Josh Johnson – You’ll be poppin’ some blowers when you fire up a Big Johnson.

John Danks – And put some Danks on it!

Matt Cain – I can just feel it.  Cain’s about to warm it up.  Genuine for oh-nine and still ain’t half-steppin’, peace!

SELL

Huston Street – Sure, check’s good to the bettor, but you need alligator blood.  Trade Street for an upgrade somewhere else while he has some value.

David Purcey – Mentioned this guy the other day.  *Burp*

Elijah Dukes – He’s effectively losing the outfield job to Austin Kearns.   That’ll make for a fun clubhouse!

Chris Young – Something is seriously wrong with Tally.  Might be hiding an injury.  Maybe he’s just sick of getting things down for people off high shelves.  You should hold tight for right now, but you’re not going to be able to start him.

Troy Glaus – Punt!

Fernando Rodney – If you can actually get someone to trade you a decent piece for Rodney now that he’s the closer, you win.  And by “decent piece,”  I mean just about anyone.

Travis Hafner – How long you think Hafner’s going to be stinking up the joint with his melon head?  Hafner’s head, “That was uncalled for.”

Nyjer Morgan – I like speed and nothing else guys as much as the next schmohawk, but Nyjer’s like a hot dog with no hot dog and no bun.  Think relish in your hand.  Who wants relish in their hand?  I don’t.  In deep leagues, sometimes you have to do what you have to do, but I’d try and do it elsewhere.

John Lackey – First sign of good news, I suggest you see if you can get someone decent for him in a trade.  This might take embellishing good news like this, “After his MRI, Lackey said he felt so good he could go for another three of them.”

Between smoke breaks, Jim Leyland anointed Fernando Rodney the opening day closer. This sounds like when you were a kid and you tried to pulled something like, “Pops, you said not to put on my bathing suit until after lunch so I went into the pool in my dungarees.”  Leyland is saying Rodney is the opening day closer, then on April 7th he’ll call on Lyon to close a game.  In other words, this is still a coin flip.  I’m holding onto Brandon Lyon in every league I own him (which is a few actually).  I’m also picking up Rodney on the teams where I have room.  Later, Chad Cordero!  Don’t drop anyone that worthwhile for either of these schmohawks, but saves are saves and if someone’s getting them, they should be owned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello – Big day in Motown.  The Tigers named Porcello their number five starter.  Porcello is easily my favorite Tigers starter.  Let’s see how highly we should consider that a compliment… Galarraga?  Blah.  Verlander?  Bleh.  Miner?  Blech.  Robertson?  Belch.  Jackson, Bonderman and Willis?  Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Detroit Tigers pitching staff.   Porcello is worth a flier in AL-Only leagues and deep mixed leagues.  He’s very raw so you should expect some speed bumps, but sometimes hitters are so unfamiliar with a pitcher that the pitcher can catch them off guard for a month or two.

Troy Glaus – After a setback, he’ll be out until at least June.  Punt!

David Freese – He should be owned already in NL-Only leagues.  He’s the kind of player that can become mixed league worthy real fast.  So if you’re hurting at 3rd or Corner, I’d pick him up just to see if he can carry on his numbers from Triple-A where he hit .306 with 26 HRs.

Mark Teahen – We now bring you our Royals segment of the program.  Hey!  Don’t switch the channel!  Teahen’s bringing his yawnstipating offense to 2nd base where it’s almost digestible.  Stay tuned!

Sidney Ponson – Won the 4th (!) spot in the Royals rotation.   Yeah, the Royals are totally this year’s Rays.  If last year’s Rays had Eric Hinske pitching for them.

Scott Richmond – Named Jays 5th starter.  Look away, baby, look away.

Josh Outman – Named 5th– Oh, who cares?

Homer Bailey – Seems to have finally turned the corner.  Might make a splash this year as a mid-season callup.

Matt Joyce – Made the Rays out of spring, but once Upton returns he’s going to have a hard time working his way into the Kapler/Gross platoon.  Seriously, there’s not a bit of irony in that.

Jeremy Guthrie – Has looked real rusty so far.  He gets the Sawx, Yanks and Rays out of the gate, so if I’m owning him, I’m probably not starting him.

Ben Francisco – Not that we should put much stock into spring numbers, but Francisco has been doing it and doing it and doing it well.  Now if he’ll steal some bases like he did in the minors, we could have a potential breakout.

Chris Shelton – Batted .460 in spring and was sent to the minors.  Wait, he has a good ten more days in him!

Joe Saunders – Dead arm.  As opposed to what he had before which was what?  A live arm?  Please.

Chris Getz – Will bat 2nd.  DWWise is leading off.  Somebody tell Ozzie he’s holding his lineup card upside down.

Back in early November, I said, “Gregg, Cubs Closer?”  Well, remove the question mark and call me Nostradumbass.  It’s not surprising at all to me that Marmol’s not going to be the closer to start the season.  There’s no reason in debating whether Piniella made the right decision.  Of course he didn’t.  Joking.  There’s points for both sides.  As I said the other day, do you wanna lose the game in the 8th or the 9th?  Either way, all you should concern yourself with is who is getting the saves.  The pickle here is Marmol is actually worth owning even if he only gets 5-10 saves all year.  So if you drafted Marmol, I’d hold him just to pad your pitching stats.  If you have Gregg, nice late pick in your draft.  You probably just fell into 35 saves.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow – Says he’s the closer.  And so it is.  You know what?  Every single one of you sitting around reading this blog for the last month could’ve stepped up and said you’d be the closer for the Mariners.  But what did you do?  You watered down the ketchup, made sure everyone’s coffee was hot and passive-aggressively stuck broken glass under your eighteen-year-old boss’s car tires.  You had to know with the top option being Miguel Batista that the job could’ve been yours.  Now march into your job and tell them you’re the new fry cook.  You got hot oil skillz!  Morrow’ll be fine as the closer if he can get/stay healthy.  Not sure what they’re going to do with Chad Cordero.  Maybe they can turn him into the starter Morrow should’ve been.

Jeff Clement – In a disappointing move, Clement was sent down.  You know where he went wrong?  He should’ve told the Mariners he was their catcher.  Guess Mattel can sponsor that Kenji doll night now.  Mommy, why doesn’t Kenji have a….THAT’S HIS ATHLETIC SUPPORTER!

Carlos Villanueva – As I mentioned in our fantasy baseball forums, Villanueva will fill-in for Trevor Hoffman.  Is Villanueva the best guy for the job?  Who knows?  Doesn’t matter.  SAGNOF.   Ours is not to reason why, ours is to pickup up the replacement closer and hope he keeps the job, unless of course you have Hoffman too.  You got to remember to Handcuff the Hoff!

Brett Gardner – Named opening day center fielder for the Yanks.  Back in November, I sowed the Gardner.

Matt Lindstrom – Appears to be on track to open the season.  Unless you have a pressing need somewhere, I’d hold Nunez for now.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit a HR.  Sore shoulder better?  You make the call!  Or not.

Chris Carter – Might get a shot to be a reserve outfielder for the Sawx.  The Red Sox were missing that Sci-Fi edge in the outfield since Manny left.

Troy Glaus – Rehab from shoulder surgery isn’t going so well.  Word is he might not make it back in late April/early May after all.  Bet they are regretting that Rolen for Glaus trade now!

Joe Mauer – Expected to miss the first month of the season.  The bad back must be from carrying the dwindling pennant hopes of Twins fans.  Let’s hope Liriano doesn’t strain his elbow picking up some of the slack.

Justin Duchscherer – Having elbow surgery.  Supposed to be out a month.  I forget what I said and I don’t feel like looking it up, but I think I pegged him for 5 starts this year.  Duchscherer’s elbow problems may have been exacerbated by autograph-seeking fans this spring.  You gotta stop at J.D., man!

Kelvim Escobar – I keep mentioning this guy, but in the last league I drafted I was able to snag him with like the 345th pick.  Um, he should be going before that.  When healthy (which he’s nearing), he’s good.

Chris Young – It’s a hard knock life being a 6′10″ pitcher.  More strain in throwing the ball down, bigger target to comebackers, lack of selection in Big & Tall shops, etc.  He’s been rather bad in Spring Training.  Perhaps it’s time to recognize that a pitcher can only go so far with a sub-90 MPH fastball and a unique propensity for fly ball outs.  Hopefully, he’ll come around and be solid, at least in Petco.

Mark Teahen – A positive reflection of the Royal roster is that there are less open spots to stash the mediocrity of Mark Teahen.  Last stop – 2nd base!  From a fantasy perspective, that’s not half bad.  Just 40% bad.

John Smoltz – He was due back June 1st but he’s ahead of schedule.  Now they are saying perhaps mid-May.  If you’ve got 2 DL slots in your league, might as well stash him in one.

Taylor Teagarden – Officially backing up Salty.  I think he can still get 300 ABs and contribute.  When asked why Saltamacchia over Teagarden, Texas brass explained, “Salty’s name goes to 12!”

Jeremy Guthrie – Opening Day starter for the Orioles.  Now if they can figure out a way for it to rain four out of five days, they should be fine.

Dontrelle Willis – On DL with anxiety disorder.  He’s been Greinke’d!  Maybe he just needs a Miguel Olivo hug.  Maybe he’ll go the Ankiel route.  You know, Willis was a very good hitter in the NL.  There’s got to be a Razzball glossary term for a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body.  How about… Redesignated Hitters.