Fantasy Baseball Advice

Adam Wainwright will start on Friday replacing Joel Piñeiro. I’m putting him in immediately. I have faith in The Author of Tonyball, Dave Duncan and Adam Wainwright. Will he be lights out? Well, I hope so. He has been good in his rehab. There’s a chance he’s ineffective, but Wainwright’s worth the chance that his ailment’s been mended and he’s can handle the ball. When he left, he was a solid number two for fantasy baseball purposes. Hopefully that’s how he returns, and not a number two that leaves you feeling ill and burns when you sit down. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Al Reyes - To the Mets. That sounds familiar because I told you three days ago Reyes would close for the Mets. Of course the Mets picked him up. The Mets are so desperate, they went to see Giuliani throw to see if he could close, but he just talked their ear off about the tremendous job he did for 9/11. Reyes will get some saves within a week or two. Probably end the season with 5-7 saves.

Hanley Ramirez - Day-to-day after taking a ball off the thumb. There goes his spot-on Fonzie impersonation.

Ryan Church - Will be a backup to Tatis. Aren’t you glad you grabbed him for that DL slot? Zoinks!

R.A. Dickey - Gave up 8 ER in 2 innings. Which is sad for him and for Rudy who was sonavabenched on his Razzball team.

Mark Reynolds - Took fielding practice at 2nd. Well, that’s cool, Grey. And I took a dump in a Wendy’s parking lot yesterday. You going to tell us everything these schmohawks do? Okay, wiseass. When Upton returns, the outfield will get crowded, which could force Dunn to 1st, Tracy to 3rd and Reynolds over to 2nd. Reynolds is startable in just about all leagues if he gets 2nd base eligibility.

Wandy Rodriguez - Got a bum scoring call on a Hardy first inning “hit.” Wait, why am I being apologetic for Wandy? Honestly, I’m not sure. He was very wild and the game could’ve been much worse if he was facing the Brewers A-team. After all, Gabe Kapler was batting third. Not exactly Hannibal.

Emilio Bonifacio - 2-for-4 with a steal with a modest one game hitting streak going. (Though he has hit in six of the last seven games.) I’m jumping ship in all mixed leagues, but holding in NL-Only leagues and deep leagues I really need steals.

Brett Myers - Complete game shutout against the Nats. Yesterday I said, “The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.” That goes double for the Nats. If that monkey from the movie Ed made a comeback (No, not Matt LeBlanc. The real monkey.), I’d spot start him against the Nats.

Jacoby Ellsbury - 3 steals in the last two games. Might be the start of him running wild.

Jair Jurrjens - I’ve jumped ship on Jurrjens in ten team mixed leagues. In 12-team leagues, I’m holding him loosely like .38 Special. His innings are way too high for him. We had a good run. Peace, see ya later. Later? (LATER!) Later, alligator.

Mike Pelfrey - See one centimeter above. He gets the Astros next. I’d hold him for that start, but get ready to bail.

Jeff Francis - Looked respectable against the Dodgers. His next start is against the Giants. I’d go there with JF.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - Returning to the DL. Not surprising. We’re headed to September, he has a nagging hamstring injury and a lot of his value was coming from his legs. Punt. If it’s hurts for you to cut Hairston loose, you have bigger fish to fry. Beans don’t burn on the grill.

Jon Rauch - Picked up the save yesterday. Three weeks ago, I would’ve told you to immediately grab Rauch, but he hasn’t looked good at all. Not even compared to Lyon. Melvin says he’ll conitnue to go to Lyon, I’d believe him. It’s not worth the agita, unless you’re desperate like that kid in The Last American Virgin.

Franklin Gutierrez - The Big FraGu went deep against Joakim Soria and the Indians rallied to win. The victory was also thanks to Kelly Shoppach’s earlier homer and Jensen Lewis shutting the door. Okay, now picture you’re an Indians fan who was in a coma for three months and you just read the last two sentences. You’d be like, “Jensen who? Franklin what? Shoppach huh? Wow, the Indians must be really kicking ass if these role players are chipping in.” Um, yeah. Listen, comatose Indians fan, you might want to sit down.

Our boy Timmy took a Lincecumbacker to the knee. Not good if you’ve been riding his amazing 12-3 record (for the Giants?!?!), sub 3.00 ERA, and 10 K/9 IP.  He hobbled out of the game.  We’ll have to see if he’s as bad off as our other favorite Timmy but start scouting pitchers just in case.

In other injury news, there is the Flyin’ Hawaiian and The Overrated Mulatto. Shane Victorino came out of yesterday’s game with stiffness in his back, while Jeter left the game with a foot injury after fouling a ball off it earlier in the game. Both players are listed as day to day, which is sports journalist code for “I have no idea.” I wish I could get away with this in my every day life. Are you going to pickup dinner? Day to day. What’s that sore on your lip? Day to day. Why are you peeing on my leg? Day to day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford - It’s official. He’s done. Off to have surgery. This is probably a blessing for your team in some leagues. Crawford wasn’t having the best year, yet you had to start him because he was Crawford. Buh-bye.

Evan Longoria - I’d expect him to miss the rest of the season too, but the Rays are saying he should be back by September 1st.

David Ortiz - 2 HRs in the 1st inning with 6 RBIs. It’s the kind of inning that makes owners drool. Ortiz is now on pace for 430 HRs and 1.7 million RBIs for the rest of the year. He might fall short. Let’s not forget he did hit the HRs against Scott Feldman. If you’re not familiar with the name, that means you’re not related to Scott Feldman. Congratulations. Let’s not forget, Part II: The Return of More Deflating News From Grey, Ortiz was just complaining of a sore wrist.

Emilio Bonifacio - Since going 8-for-18, he’s gone 0-for-20. If he keeps going from feast to famine like this, the Nats might have to make Bonifacio watch the very special episode of The Facts of Life when Blair had an eating disorder.

Randy Johnson - 7 starts, 6 wins, 1.58 ERA and a .85 WHIP. Obviously, he’s ownable in every league. Even two team leagues where the other guy’s already quit.

Jermaine Dye - Hit his 28th HR yesterday. I picked him up off waivers in my 15 team ‘pert league back in April, but I’ve since traded him and Kouzmanoff to the ghost of George Carlin, which I kinda regret.

Lance Berkman - HR yesterday after hitting only two since July 1st. He was due for a cold spell. Too bad he’s not injury prone like Chipper so you could’ve just replaced him for a month or two.

Felipe Lopez - Landed in perhaps the only place where he could actually have value, St. Louis. If LaRussa can turn Aaron Miles, Adam Kennedy and Cesar Izturis into serviceable nine hitters, he might make Lopez into a decent number 2. And a “decent number two” is exactly what Lopez is.

Johan Santana - 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks. Has only struckout ten or more batters in a game twice this year. Cust kayin’.

Pedro Feliciano - Won the bullpen paper, rock scissors and got the save.

Mike Cameron/Jody Gerut - Two Carlos Lee replacements, two home runs yesterday.

Austin Kearns - 2-for-4 with a steal. My third Carlos replacement.

Juan Rivera - HR yesterday. I don’t currently have him on a team, but he might be heating up again after hitting well in July. (He was not good in August thus far.)

Brad Ziegler - Save yesterday. Officially the A’s closer and he’s pitched 38 straight scoreless innings.

Gio Gonzalez - 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. After watching him pitch well last week (minus the first inning), I held onto him and was rewarded tonight with Savviest Fantasy Baseball Owner for August 12th. First, I wanna thank God. Without him, none of this would be possible. Second, I wanna thank Yahoo for having Gio Gonzalez in your database. We had some touch and go moments this season, but you came through when I needed you. Third, I wanna thank Aaron Cook for shitting the bed a couple of starts in a row and forcing me to pick a pitcher off waivers.

Gary Sheffield - 2 HRs yesterday. He obviously hit these homers because he was pissed off he was being placed on waivers. Can’t they hire someone to come into the locker room to insult Sheff? “Yo mama is so fat, she can only fit into a throwback Cecil Fielder jersey.” Maybe they can get Wilmer Valderrama.

Mark Reynolds/Krispie Young/Adam Dunn - .246/.235/.235/ respectively. Stinker to Whatevers to Fat Chance.

In the last few days, a dark cloud moved over Razzball. Rudy just traded for Weeks, Wainwright hit the DL and I had to sit through Sex and the City, the Movie. Hopefully, my masculinity returns before Weeks. Does anyone remember Weeks coming back quickly from injury? Ever? Okay, Rickie Weeks, Rocco Baldelli and Chipper Jones get onto your cross country flight, do you get off? It’s like Weeks should be on the 15-day Activated List, then when he’s injured he’s taken off the Activated list. Makes more sense to me. Less paperwork. I can’t imagine he returns before the All-Star Break. There’s always the Alex(e)i Twins. I’ll mention someone later that I think you should look at, too. (Hint: His Dad has Ernie Whitt’s phone number.) As for Wainwright, I really hope this is just a matter of him missing three starts then returning fine. My gut says that might not be the case. At least, I hope that’s my gut. It’s either a hairy bellybutton or I’ve grown a vagina from seeing SATC. Mercy me, I abbreviated it SATC! Oh my God, I said mercy me. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday:

Ryan Zimmerman - Says he thinks he can play through his shoulder tear. I think he says this all the way up to next April, then he reinjures it next year and finds himself having surgery that has him out until 2010. Ryan, “I’m completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfect!”

Jerry Hairston - Fractured thumb, will be out at least a month. Time to make other MI plans. (Or IM snalp, if you’re dyslexic. We care here at Razzball!)

Ken Griffey Jr. - 600th! I was kinda surprised the Reds didn’t trade Griffey as he was taking the field after he hit the home run. I guess they want to dedicate a street to him back in Cincy first, then trade him next week to the AL.

Jay Bruce - He’s showing that penchant for striking out (7 times in last three games) that everyone (maybe just me) tried to warn you about.

Edinson Volquez - Jose aka Edison aka Edinson was very wild again and only effectively so because it was the Marlins. He does have a certain swagger to him that I do appreciate. Now if only he would grow a mustache.

Jose Guillen/Nick Swisher/Mark Reynolds - Said yesterday these guys were insanely hot right now. They all homered yesterday, Swisher twice. Should not be on any league’s waivers.

Josh Barfield - Was just called back up to replace Asdrubal (BTW, WebMD has good information for you, if you suffer from Asdrubal). If you lost Hairston or Weeks, Barfield is worth a flier. At future family functions, Jesse may not have to keep making up excuses for what Josh has been up to since last year. “Yeah, well, he’s thinking about going back to school. This place called…. University of Phoenix.”

Matt Holliday - Has torn up pitching in his minor league rehab. Get him in there immediately.

Mike Mussina - He could pitch back to back Vander Meer’s and I wouldn’t pick him up.

Mariano Rivera - Mo Knows Nothing, Mo Better Get Better, Mo Blues, Mo Better Meaty Meat Burger, Mo Losses Than Royals… Sorry, I was just trying to figure out tomorrow’s NY Post headline.

Matt Cain - I forget if I’ve put anyone in Cain as a Buy Low, but I will. I like him a lot and have been waiting for signs. I think yesterday was a sign.

Joe Saunders - Joe Meet Correction. Correction, you know Joe.

Chipper Jones says he thinks he injured himself while running out of the batter’s box. For a baseball player, this seems like a pretty innocuous place to injure themselves. How exactly do you get injured coming out of a batter’s box? Swing, turn, run. A layperson (you and I) does not come out of a batter’s box, but a similarly innocuous place might be, say, a bathroom. So imagine a buddy told you he hurt himself taking a crap. Previous week, he strained something showering. Couple of weeks ago, while putting unicorn jizz (that’s what I call toothpaste) on his toothbrush, he pulled a metacarpal. Previously, he’s broke a toe changing the TP, popped an eardrum Q-Tipping, sliced off a piece of nose while shaving, got a hernia while toweling off and he got a Grade 3 windburn from a blow dryer. Would you think your friend was a good bet to stay healthy until October? Yeah, me neither. As for Wainwright, this strikes me as really bad luck for his owners (which is me for many teams). He says that he should be fine and there’s no official word. I doubt official word is at all positive. Brace yourself for different options. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Matt Garza/Dioner Navarro - Had a scuffle in the dugout yesterday, causing Garza to get pulled early. Going forward this is a problem for one of my teams because I have both guys. Here’s my plan of action, I’m going to sit Navarro whenever Garza pitches, but in the meantime I’m going to have my corner infielder, Helton, talk to both of them about the importance of the Lord, charity and all of that. Then I’m going to bring Keith Foulke in to talk to both guys because– Wait, this is fantasy baseball, not real. Oh, yeah, then Dioner and Garza will be fine.

Kyle Lohse - 7-2. The “h” in his name is like a precarious Jenga piece.  At some point it will be pulled out, his success will collapse, and all he’ll do for your team is Lose.

Kevin Slowey - 8 ER in 3 IP. Another outing like that and he’s on the short bus back to AAA.

Aaron Harang - I’m trying not to blame that long relief outing still, but…. Ugh. He’s an excellent buy low candidate right now. He is better than his numbers.

Alexei Ramirez - 3-for-4 with a home run. The Alex(e)i with the ‘e’ is showing the Alexi without the ‘e’ they’re only similar in almost names.

Mark Reynolds - Now 6 home runs in 15 games. If you remember from the beginning of the season, Reynolds is what you call streaky.

Nick Swisher - Getting hot. If he’s on your waivers, he’s absolutely worth a pickup. He’s valuable when he’s hot.

Jason Giambi - 14th home run. Much like Ron Jeremy, Giambi sports a ’stache, swings a big bat, and appears out of shape and over the hill.

Luke Scott - From the files of abandoned outfielders that never produced, here comes another streaky hitter. Hit two home runs yesterday. Might hit three more in the next week. Cust kayin’.

Gavin Floyd - He has a 20/1 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. And his first name is Gavin. What’s not to like?

Wandy Rodriguez - Lost to the Cards, but his line doesn’t look awful. Only allowed four hits and no earned runs. 7 Ks.

Mark Teixeira - PABST has five HRs in the last 11 games. Might have officially turned the corner into a full season stud or FABST? Um… Not sure about this one anymore.

Justin Masterson - That’s it. You got what you got. I wouldn’t start him in his next start.

Curtis Granderson - I was happy to see Granderson hit a HR, but I was even happier to see him bat ninth. That makes a lot more sense than Miggy in the sixth hole.

Ryan Tucker - Must Die. I’d bid maybe a $1 in NL-Only leagues, but that’s about it.

BJ Upton - Two home runs in three days. Maybe this is when the power streak comes on. Then again, it was in Texas and Ramon Vazquez is hitting in Texas.

Vernon Wells - Not only came back early from a wrist injury, but hit a home run yesterday. I’d try and sell him quickfast.

Jose Guillen - Just in case you missed it, he hit 3 HR and 9 RBI over the weekend at Yankee Stadium. That’s now 9 HR and 45 RBI for the year (albeit with 25 R and .262 AVG).  Between this and Milton Bradley’s triple crown run, 2008 is shaping up as the year of the crazy. Jose had a incredibly silent 23/99/.290 last year in Seattle after some troubles in Washington, but he’s worth taking a flier on if he’s hanging around on the FA wire.  BTW, how incredibly dull is Carlos Guillen in comparison to Jose and Ozzie Guillen?  Jose and Ozzie Canseco were pretty nutty too.

Alex Rodriguez was placed on the DL today with a strained right quadriceps. I think that’s in your leg. (Not your leg obviously, but Arod’s… I mean, we all have quadriceps, but Arod’s is the one that is injured. Anyway…) You can’t do anything, but place him on your disabled list. Some players I’d try and replace Arod with (obviously it depends on your league and your needs): Troy Glaus, Scott Rolen, Jeff Keppinger, Brandon Inge, Eric Hinske or Ryan Freel — in that order. If you’re in a deep league, some players I’d consider that have a lot more risk, but much more upside:

Ian Stewart - He might be called up because the Rockies are dealing with Tulowitzki’s injury. Ian Stewart could easily slide into the lineup and be an immediate Rookie of the Year candidate. He’s that good. Someone else that is that good?

Andy LaRoche - I have my doubts about Torre playing him over Nomar when he’s healthy. But worrying about whether someone will start over Nomar if Nomar’s healthy is like worrying if Kim Kardashian will still love you after you sleep with her. How about you cross that vagina bridge when you come to it?

In other news:

Smoltz might go to the bullpen. I’m only reporting this because I told you to sell him less than twelve hours ago. If he moves to the bullpen, I think he can succeed in the closer role again. Member how Myers became a closer last year and it worked okay? Smoltz can actually be very valuable in the bullpen.

Max Scherzer -There was a lot to cover last night and I figured I had just devoted a post to him so there wasn’t more needed, but I underestimated my constituents in the comments section. In his 7 K relief performance, he looked like Linecum and Joba’s love child. He will now be known as Jobacum. You’re welcome.

What would Peter Frampton say about this? Wawaaaaa…Weee…Wah.