Fantasy Baseball Advice

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?

Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues.  (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good.  I’m hip, snitches!)  In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average.  It was in the PCL though, where they pump helium into their stadiums.  And, now, guess what?  Well, he’s getting called up, I mean that’s obvious, isn’t it?  Why else am I talking about him?  In deeper leagues, I’d grab Cowgill to see if he can translate his power and speed combo to the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Andrus went 3-for-6, 2 RBIs; Hamilton 2-for-4, 3 RBIs; Napoli 4-for-5; Cruz 4-for-6; Young hit a homer.  Frankly, the Rangers scoring summary was denser than David Foster Wallace footnotes.

Chris Davis – 0-for-6 while the Rangers scored 20 runs.  That is an incredible ticker tease.  It almost seems mathematically impossible it’s so epic.  Though Davis is more like a career tease.  He wears low cut skirts and a chastity belt.  (BTW, Davis also had two errors.  Too bad none of my fantasy teams have a slot for a futility player.)

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 yesterday as he was promoted after Alex Presley was seen leaving the building.  I think the Pirates and Pedro agreed to forget that the first half ever happened.  Pirates collective voice, “Pedro, just hit like you did last 2nd half.  We’ll blame the first half on one of the many subpar 3Bs we’ve had over the years.  Pedro Alvarez, nah?  That was Jose Hernandez.  Or Andy LaRoche.  Or Jose Bautista– Oops, can’t use that one anymore.”

James McDonald – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was in last Friday’s Buy/Sell.  He was on the left side, which is the right side.  Weird!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with a slam and legs as he returned from the DL.  Unfortunately, this is Glass Chipper we’re talking about and he was removed from the game with a tight quad.  I’d say he’s day-to-day, but with Chipper it’s more like minute-to-minute.

Cliff Lee – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Padres in Philly.  Imagine the Padres called a hitter-friendly stadium home?  Then they’d have mediocre pitching to go along with mediocre hitting.

R.A. Dickey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks).  How do they have a Dickey/Leake matchup and not have former Reds pitching coach, Dick Pole, throw out the first pitch?  Okay, okay.  Instead of saying a ball was hit up the middle, the announcers should’ve said it went through the vas deferns.  All right, all right.  When Dickey was facing Leake, did he shake off the curve?  Okay, that’s enough.  Geez.

Jason Isringhausen – Got another save, but you should wait until the trading deadline to drop Parnell.  That’s me reiterating me!

Dan Haren – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Finally someone snuck in and changed his calendars back to June.  See, you don’t need acne to get proactive.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-4 and a homer.  I’m not a huge fan, but if you’re struggling for power, wouldn’t hurt to try Kubel.

Ezequiel Carrera – 0-for-3.  Know what would be utterly fantastic?  If the guy whose name is Spanish for squirrel, would run like one.  Stop worrying about your Amish morals and steal a base, Ezequiel!

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Fausto in any league so this isn’t about him.  Do you get the sense the Indians are hoping they lose some games so they don’t have to pretend to trade for players?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  2nd day in a row with a homer.  Looks like Chuck Lee is the Flavor Flav of the week for power.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in two games.  You can keep beating down Colby, but he’s a Survivor.

Yadier Molina – The youngest member of the Flying Molina Bros. has now hit a homer in three straight games.

Lance Berkman – Big Puma is out for a day or two with a rotator cuff strain.  Coincidentally, my Mercury Cougar’s out for a day or two with an alternator issue.  Nothing a little mustache grease can’t fix.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, now hitting .412 since his call up.  If you’re having issues with your middle infidel, could be worth the flyer.

Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA at 3.22.  Him and Danks are like Trader Joe’s wine.  Are you impressing anyone with it?  Nope, but it does get the job done and it’s not as bad as you think.

Sergio Santos – Didn’t get the save because Ozzie had Sale open the ninth in a 3-run game.  After the game, Ozzie tweeted, “My H2H opponent has Santos.  #sorryputas”

Juan Pierre – 2-for-5 with his 16th steal and 12th caught stealing.  Jonah Hill in Moneyball would not be impressed.

Jason Vargas – 4 IP, 4 ER.  I said this last time, but not everyone reads every day.  I get it, you have to tend to your crops in Farmville.  Either way, Vargas is no longer ownable in most mixed leagues.

Kevin Youkilis – Left Monday’s contest with hamstring tightness.  The Jewish Youkilis should know better than to mess with hamstrings.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal.  I’m gonna photocopy Jennings’ face onto a thousand doilies and fashion a dress out of it, then walk around singing, “Don’t mess with my Desmond Tutu!”

Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.49.  I have my shades drawn so my solar calculator doesn’t work, but could someone tell me the collective ERA for all starters in the NL West?

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Harangutan now has 9 wins and a 3.45 ERA.  Boy am I glad I drafted Liriano!

Cameron Maybin – Out for a few games with a strained hip flexor.  When he returns, his coming up to bat song will no longer be The Twist.

Kyle Blanks – 7 Ks in 13 ABs.  He fills in the blanks with K’s.  Yi_es!  Quit stri_ing out, you motherfuc_er!

Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.  I do think this season is gonna be the peak for him, but hell with next year!  Let’s wrap his 2011 around us like a Snuggie (or the lesser known Slanket) and enjoy the ride.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t see the game, but 14 baserunners in five and a third doesn’t even seem possible.  Were they playing Wiffle ball rules with ghost runners needing to be forced?

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has a 2.65 ERA on the year and pulls girls from every ethnic background.   I.e., he’s a rock star.  Now has 14 scoreless innings in the last two games vs. the Brewers.  Shlemiel, schcan’ttouchmyshizz, I’m Josh Collmenter.  I’d be worried about putting too much faith in J.C. — no offense — but you should own him at this point.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  Totally one of those guys that people are gonna ask about next March as a sleeper pick and it’s gonna turn into a wasted pick.  But, for now, you could do worse.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, season ERA is at 2.02 and I can’t get a G-D clean game from Gallardo.  Throw me a frickin’ bone.

Stephen Strasburg – Threw 95 MPH in a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.

Koji Uehara – Will see saves for the next three days while Kevin Gregg serves a suspension.  If this were elementary school, Gregg and Ortiz would serve their suspensions in the same room while cleaning the erasers.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 games.  He seems pretty underappreciated considering he’s pulling a Hunter Pence impersonation that could fool Henrietta Pence, that’s his mom.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Orioles scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Here he comes (God, I hope so)!  I just know it (no, I don’t)!

Mike Morse – 3-for-4 with his 16th homer.  About time he started dashing and dotting again.

Huston Street – Might get traded.  For who, Avenue of the Americas?  Lindstrom would be the handcuff.

Jordan Lyles – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and 113 pitches.  Not much to report here, but Ed Wade’s Toupee may want to chillax on throwing the youngster so deep into games.  I mean, isn’t Dr. James Andrews making enough money?

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Solid, if yawnstipating 5th fantasy starter.  That is all.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with two WTFs (Warning Track Flies).  If you have a WTF category in your league, Butler is the WTF master.  If he moved forward in the batter’s box ten feet, he’d hit 30 homers.

Joe Mauer – 6-for-8 in the doubleheader.  He hit .373 in last year’s 2nd half and has raised his average nearly 50 points in the last 10 games.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 with his 5th home run, and he left the bowl streak-free.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER.  The Indians rest him when there is a save opportunity in the afternoon game then bring him in for the pointless Kazaam!  Grr.

Josh Reddick – As a starter since June 18th, batting .340 with 4 homers.  But that’s only 13 starts in a month.  Guy at the Cask’n Flagon with a Jeter jersey is getting more play.

Clay Buchholz – On Monday, he threw from 120 feet.  Not sure why he’s pitching from 2nd base, but there ya go.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Was 0-for-his last week before this game, but for those who like to play Russian roulette with their catcher, Saltymochachino hit a bomb yesterday.

Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with heat exhaustion.  Hey, Ruiz, stop calling for the heater!

Carlos Pena – 3-for-3 with his 20th homer, after just getting done with a 1-for-15 stretch.  His hitting streaks are like riding a bicycle in San Francisco.  Holy crap, we’re really flying as we go downhill!  And now we’re going uphill and nowhere…  Watch out, now we’re downhill again!

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Who said he’d slow up?  Oh, I did.  Well, I still think he will.  Unless he backed into a leftover Sosa needle.

Jason Heyward - Sat out yesterday after being hit on the foot Sunday.  As frequent commenter, zombie, said yesterday, “Should have know something was up when Glass Chipper demands that you grab a bat.  Definitely no relation to Ironhead Heyward.  Dude played with a brain tumor.  Foot contusion.  Seriously?!”

Clay Hensley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Last time he was a regular starter, he was a solid deep league option, but marginal in most mixed leagues.  And that was in Petco.  For a few starts, he’ll also be on a pitch count.

Leo Nunez – Got the save yesterday, but, whatever, this isn’t about that.  Everyone is saying Dunn would be the closer if Nunez is dealt, the only problem I have with that is Mujica is having a better year and consistently coming in games after Dunn.  Plus, Dunn’s a lefty.  Well, that’s the short of it, Peter Dinklage.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, that’s not too shabby.  He gets the peasant Royals next time out.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy or Oscar.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3 and now batting .337 with 4 homers on the year.  James Loney called, he wants his stats back.

Ezequiel Carrera – He said nine innings is for Quakers, and played 18 innings yesterday and stole 2 bases.  After all the success with Asdrubal, the Indians might just be promoting anyone with a funky first name.  Get ready, Azerbajan Ramirez!  Carrera had 35 steals in 81 games in Triple-A this year and now he’s the starting center fielder for the Cleveland Indians.  You know who has two thumbs and picked up this Amish SAGNOF’er?  This guy!

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with knee problems.  He said there’s a lot of concern about his knee.  You don’t say, Grady.  It’s only been bothering you for two years.  The FDA looked at his knees and said Grade-E.  Uh-uh, Grade F.  Suitable only for ‘meat’ filling at Taco Bell and 7-11 chili dogs.  Hmm, what is that taste?  Oh, that’s right.  The unfulfilled promise of multiple 30/30 seasons.

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.

Last week’s ERA was 2.44.  That’s 22 earned runs in 81 innings.  The WHIP was 1.28.  That’s 104 baserunners.   Had 5 Wins and 58 Ks.  (That’s minus Thursday’s Westbrook start because, well, it’s Thursday.)  Not too shabby on the ERA considering the schmohawks I recommended last week.  Obviously, I’m just as unlucky with Wins with these borderline starters as I am in my real leagues.  This offseason September Grey is going to Hawaii to see if he can find the Tiki idol that is cursing his win karma and seeing if he can’t fix this problem.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 17th

Nick Blackburn – As I keep recommending him, I’m probably pushing my luck — or my Bluckburn — but he gets the A’s and has an under 2.00 ERA in his last 31+ IP.

Carlos Carrasco – Be impressive if I get out of this day without one blow up, but I continue to impress myself every day.

Wade Davis – All of these guys are risky so far, but that’s the nature of borderline starters, I suppose.  Here’s hoping when Davis goes against the Angels, Scioscia decides to bench all his best hitters.  Start Mathis at DH, get his bat in the lineup!

Ian Kennedy – If these were in any sorta order, Kennedy would be number one for this day.

Randy Wolf – Has had some success vs. the Giants (really, what pitcher hasn’t?) and coincidentally that’s who he faces on Friday.

Saturday, September 18th

Jhoulys Chacin – Didn’t look terrific in his last start vs. the Diamondbacks, but he gets Ks.  Some teams need those sorts of things.

Tommy Hunter – Facing the M’s in the aptly named stadium, Safeco.

James McDonald – A capable strikeout pitcher going against the Diamondhacks.

Kevin Slowey – I was thinking it’s kinda sad that he’s not owned in 50% of ESPN leagues, then I thought about how he’s pitched this year and that made me sadder.

Sunday, September 19th

Joe Blanton – Besides a game in Coors, where you wouldn’t have started him anyway, he hasn’t been hit in over a month.

Derek Lowe – Not a huge fan of Lowe, but goes to Metco.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy.

Chris Narveson – Was solid in last year’s 2nd half, goes against the Aints and has been racking up Ks.

Monday, September 20th

Brian Duensing – Has been lucky and doesn’t get many Ks, but does go against the Indians in this start.

Bud Norris – Risky but the reward could be huge with Ks.

Tuesday, September 21st

Mark Buehrle – Pretty much the polar opposite of Bud Norris.  I can guess Buehrle’s line:  7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.

Jake Westbrook – Hasn’t had one bad start since he was traded to the Cards.  Forget Annie Sullivan, Dave Duncan’s the miracle worker.

Wednesday, September 22nd

Nick Blackburn – Yes, I recommended Blackburn twice in this post.  So shoot me.

Anibal Sanchez – Has alternated good start with bad start for a while now.  This start vs. the Mets falls in the good.