If this title doesn’t make any sense to you then you are probably not familiar with the New Zealand rap duo hiphopopotamus and rhymenoceros. Also known as the Flight of the Conchords, Jemaine and Bret throw it down hard like Roenis Elias did earlier this year against the Yankees at Yankee Stadium. In that contest he had a season high 10 K’s in 7 innings that made all fantasy baseballers take notice. I’m not blown away that he K’d 10 Yankees, half those guys collect social security checks and can remember the Kennedy presidency. But it does set a little precedence here. I’m always a little weary of the second time around after success the first time around but I’m going to give this one a pass. The first time was in New York, bonus point, and this time it’s in Seattle, double bonus point, which should lead to another great day. With a price tag of $8,600 I’m a buyer on my budget play today. This Cuban doesn’t have a cool nickname yet, so I’m going to name him after one of my favorite Cuban dishes: Papas Rellenas! Writers Note: This dish is popular across Latin American cuisine but the first time I had it was at a Cuban restaurant. Here is a recipe and picture for you.

Every week I tell you all to play DraftKings and I have no idea if anyone is listening. I’m starting to think I sound like my mother beating a dead horse day after day after day after day after day. You get the point. I would like to find a way to get some of us together in a big razzball bragging rights league. If you play and would like to join me and the other writers…oh and TV on the radio host Nick, then leave your DraftKings handle in the comments and we’ll try to organize some events. Don’t worry we have all been taking it in the shorts lately with Kevin Correia, Jaime Garcia and Shelby Miller taking the 1927 Blue Jays out to the woodshed. No mas stack attacks! And now back to our regularly scheduled program. Below are good value plays tomorrow. I’m not going to tell you to grab all studs because you can’t afford it. If you play this entire lineup you got $500 bucks to spare, but I’m not saying that unless you really trust me. You can swap Jones out for the Dread Pirate and now you got no change. Before I move on, I have one last thing for you. The PROMO LINK. Just click and play already!

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Money means time. Time is money. I don’t got much of either today, so I’m skipping the silly intro part that I’m convinced no one reads anyway. Don’t worry, my feelings aren’t hurt; I’m what you call a constitutionally strong person. That’s the opposite of a constitutional weakling, you know, the guy who has his night ruined after you tell him his shirt collar has been flipped up the whole time, and the next thing you know, your friendship is on the rocks and you’re sitting on a couch across from Steve Harvey talking about it. That won’t happen with me.

So, as Captain Tenneal would say, LET’S GO!

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I think any one of us that spent their 20′s seeking inebriation and adventure had to deal with their share of Sausagefests. You know the ones where your buddy did a great job of collecting all of his brethren to come over on a Saturday night and play Beirut, pound brews, and act like the cocky jerkwads we all are. The problem with these casual get togethers was always the same. Said friend, let’s call him Fred, overlooked one major component of any good college party. Girls! No one wants a 5 to 1 pee-pee to va-Jay-Jay ratio, not even the va-jay’s. Because the bottom line issue is no one wants to spend all night competing for the attention of the same 6 girls. It leads to redundancy and an overall lack of what we all seek, adventure. The same is true for Draftkings. I think we’ve all had nights where the pitching options are thin. Nights where there’s one Clayton Kershaw and a whole crap ton of Felix Doubront’s and Francisco Liriano‘s. On these nights it makes it incredibly difficult to break away from the pack in GPP’s because there’s not enough quality options to put your faith in and dollars behind.

Well my friends you’re in luck, because today is the kind of party you’ve been waiting for. Saturday is a Sexy Soapy Sorority Party of Pitching Delight. A roster of options packed to the gills with randy tight arms in sexy Halloween costumes. Just look at these names Max Scherzer, Jon Lester, Chris Sale, Sonny Gray, Jeff Samardzija, Mark Buehrle, Zack Greinke, Alex Cobb, Andrew Cashner, Ervin Santana, and Roenis Elias. That’s 11 startable options! When the hell does that ever happen? It should be easy to find a 1-2 combo with tons of upside, that will allow you to rack up the points and still have room to grab some bats. Today would be a great day to start playing Daily Fantasy Baseball at Draftkings if you haven’t. You can Play your first game for free with us by clicking Draftkings.

Without further ado, my picks for Today’s Draftkings contests:

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Points leagues are crazy chicks. You could choose a regular girl who will provide what you expect. You can settle in, get married, and have a nice relationship with the regular girl. If things don’t work out, you can pretty much do exactly the same things with the next one and have good shot at making it work out. Not with crazy chicks. [Jay's Note: They all crazy, yo.] They play by their own rules and no two are alike. But if you can figure out the crazy girl, you get rewarded in a way only the twisted can appreciate. Magical things. Infinite glory. If you play in a points league, take a look at your relationship, or, more likely, lack thereof. Funny little thing those points leagues. I’m recently married, expecting my first child and my love of points leagues is growing. Dat green grass tho…

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My favorite move clubs make is the manager says so-and-so is the closer, but then use someone else and that other player becomes the closer. A close second is when they say so-and-so pitcher just didn’t have his best stuff, then roll him out there one more time, watch him get rocked and then say he has a broken elbow. But my third favorite club move is when they hold a rookie back for some arbitrary arbitration day. Everyone knows it’s arbitrary, but it’s done because clubs are cheap and want to hold the rights. Super Two, stupid two. Amiright? But there’s one move clubs do that you don’t see that often that might be crazier. Calling up a prospect — Oscar Taveras — right before his Super Two status changes. That’s crazy like a fox! Three weeks ago, Cards GM said, “I know a lot’s being made out of Oscar … coming to St. Louis, but right now I don’t even think it’s a logical thing to do.” I get that Fatt Adams just hit the DL, but wouldn’t you wait just a few more days at this point? Bizzonkers, but it’s the kind of crazy I can get behind because it brings with it one of the best — if not the best — prospect in the majors. Here’s what I’ve said previously about him, “From what I’ve heard (read), Taveras’s biggest strike against him is he doesn’t see any strikes — turn of a phrase point! He’s being compared to Vladimir Guerrero without having knees like Mama from Mama’s Family. Taveras swings and hits everything. Also, like Vlad, his swing is long, unwieldy and it looks like he could swing at pitches above his head and in the dirt on two consecutive pitches. (Google video of Oscar Taveras if you don’t believe me; what, you don’t believe me? My feelings are hurt.) What wasn’t mentioned, his stats also look like a young Vlad. I will call you, Vladimir Guerrerito. He can hit for power and steal bases. At twenty years old, he hit 23 homers in 477 ABs with 11 steals in Double-A in 2012, his last full year of minor league ball.” And that’s me quoting me! Later on in my Oscar Taveras article from November, I gave him this line 42/10/32/.288/8 for this year if he were to be called up in June. Still sounds about right. Basically, A.J. Pollock, but there’s a chance here for huge upside, so he’s ownable in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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Game-of-Thrones-Season-4-Episode-7-Tyrion-Bronn

“I’d be a bloody fool if he didn’t frighten me. He’s freakish big and freakish strong. And quicker than you’d expect for a man of that size.”

Edwin Encarnacion is known for his size, bat speed, and his Herculean power. Sir Edwin is tall (he is 6’2″, so I guess not that tall). He possesses massive shoulders and arms thick as the trunk of small trees. Edwin weighs over twenty stone (230 lbs), practically all of it muscle, making him near in-humanly strong. Encarnacion’s strength allows him to wield a bat so humongous, it would make Greg Oden’s wang look like a thumb tack, giving him enormous reach, making him all the more lethal with his eagle-eye vision. Such is the power of Sir Edwin’s strength, that he has been known to literally obliterate baseballs upon contact with just a single blow.

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For the 2nd time in two months, Yu Darvish has woken with a stiffy. A stiff neck, that is. Perhaps he should swallow the Viagra pill rather than letting it dissolve in his mouth before bedtime. On the fo’serious, what’s the problem with Texas and necks? I blame the NRA. They insert themselves in national debate, always pointing their finger at people and away from themselves. That’s the Neck Rehab Association. That was clear, right? What does Yu’s bed and pillow arrangement look like? Did he have his favorite Japanese architect of those tiny little cot-beds that are in hotels in Tokyo design his house? Maybe the Hello Kitty pillow is meant more for adornment rather than comfort. Can I have answers, I insist on truthiness. If I were the Rangers, I’d probably take a look at how he’s sleeping, that’s all I’m sayin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click this link.

The story of Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto is the Tale of Two Reds.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times to have Dusty Baker as a manager. It was the age of the possibility, with two pitchers on the same team going after the Cy Young every year. It was the age of those two hurlers sharing an apartment and duking it out on PlayStation. It was the epoch of mid-90s fastballs, it was the epoch of a Cincinnati team that never made it, it was the season of 2008… It was the season of throwing way too many pitches, but it was the spring of hope …

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King Salomon Brothers, the overseer of the Iron Bank, was mortgaging castles that he shouldn’t have been and fighting to get repaid, so he decided to sell his crown that was bespeckled in quinoa and Boca Burgers. The crown itself was worth more than all castles together. The world could be saved of economic ruin if the crown could get safely to the world’s largest pawn broker, Wei-Yin Chains. Unable to leave the kingdom himself, King Salomon Brothers gave Prince Fielder the crown, entrusting it to his overweight son, knowing if there was one person not interested in the healthy adornments on the crown it would be he. Unfortunately, heavy is the neck that wears Prince’s crown, and he gobbled up the crown like he gobbled up all the fantasy trust I put in him when I drafted this man the size of four horses. Goddammit! Dubya tee eff, doode! You can’t put on a neck brace and get up to bat? Shoot some cortisone is your cellulite! DAH!!! The only positive in this travesty that has befallen the fattest POS in the seven kingdoms? You’ll get to drop him! Fielder exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, I hate you. Sincerely, Your Drafter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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I’m going to live tweet this post: Tweet: #pitchingissodeep, we can lose every third starter and still have enough pitchers to go around. Tweet: Pitching isso deep? What’s an isso? Tweet: Why do I care where you ate dinner? And why am I following you? Tweet: @SolangeKnowles I’d hold the elevator door for you. Tweet: Twitter bores me. I’m done with this. So, there you have it, our first live tweet post. I’m so hip; tweeting shizz like a baller! Why do I think ballers don’t use many semi-colons? Is there a less hip punctuation mark? Jose Fernandez has an elbow sprain, which is code for you’re fudged in the effhole if you own him. If you want, I’ll form a prayer rhombus with you, but I gotta be honest, since I don’t own him, my heart won’t be in the rhombus. I’ll be faking the rhombus. You’re better off with someone else. Until Andrew Heaney is ready (June), the Marlins are likely to fill their empty rotation spot with Brad Hand or Kevin Slowey. Too bad they can’t find room for both, then they can get The Pointer Sisters to sing, “I want a rotation with a Slowey, Hand.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?