Fantasy Baseball Advice

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.

Ryan Raburn isn’t just some old fashioned name that sounds like a matinee idol from the 40′s.  Grandpa, tell me again about the time you were working as an extra in Hollywood and you stole Angela Lansbury away from Ryan Raburn.  Well, it all started late one night at Musso & Frank’s.  We were all pickled pretty good on Cuba Libres, remember this was before the House Committee on Un-American Activities banned them… So, Raburn hit 2 homers yesterday and is now batting over .400 in the last week and 8 homers in the month of August.  He’s starting every day since the Tigers were hit by injuries and the power is for real.  In his last full year of ABs in the minors, he hit 20 homers.  Last year, 16 homers in 113 games.  The average could bottom out, but with 2nd base eligibility there’s no reason not to take a flier on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Has now given up only 4 hits in his last 14 innings.  Okay, I don’t fully trust him, his Ks are just blahtastic.  Neverthehoo!  You can’t deny the type of groove he’s in right now and he gets the Royals next time out.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Brandon Morrow – After his next start vs. the Yankees, he’ll be shut down.  I blame the Mariners for their inability to settle on a role for Morrow over the previous few years.  He had the best K/9 for starters in the major leagues this year and will almost certainly be coveted by February Grey next year.

Mike Napoli – Was claimed off waivers by the Red Sox.  A deal is supposed to be unlikely.  According to sources, Scioscia’s asking for a family-size bag of Sun Chips.  Sawx are offering a single serving bag.

Brian Fuentes – Traded to the Twins.  Gardenhire went on the record saying that Capps will remain the closer.  Then he broke the record by bringing in Fuentes to close Saturday’s game.  I wouldn’t read too into though.  It was a one-out save vs. a lefty.  Fuentes may see a few saves against lefty-heavy ninth inning lineups, but Capps should get the majority of the saves going forward.

Fernando Rodney – Nothing like getting the closer job on a team that’s selling off its pieces.  Rodney gets no respect, I tell ya.  He’s a Brain Freeze waiting to happen, but, if you need saves, SAGNOF!

Edinson Volquez – Headed to the bullpen as the Reds realized what fantasy owners concluded a few starts ago, Volquez is too unpredictable to start at this stage of the year.  Dusty will have to find someone else to play Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors with.

Matt Lindstrom – Back problems haven’t subsided and Lyon could remain the closer for the rest of the year.  Rawr!

Bud Norris – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Oops upside your head.

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4 yesterday.  3 homers and 3 steals in his last ten games.  His track record says the speed is there.  (pun point!)  The power hasn’t show up much in his previous years.  Right now, I’d grab him in deep leagues just hoping his hot streak continues.  I wouldn’t bank on it though.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in his last 3 games.  If I would’ve known all he needed to get hot was for me to tell you to drop him, I would’ve punted him in March.  I never doubted the talent; it was the slump that looked like it was taking Extenze that worried me.  There’s no reason not to give him a 2nd chance if he’s out there on waivers.

Ryan Braun – 4-for-4 with 19th homer.  Cool, now repeat this game every day for the next month and we’ll be cool with each other.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-4 with his 10th steal.  He’s been on and off one of my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.  I’m warning you now, I will like him again next year.  There’s 40 steals in those gams.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 8th save.  Axford had pitched the last two games, so I wouldn’t say anything’s changed other than Hoffman’s a few saves away from retirement.

Evan Meek – Was hit with a comebacker and could be out for a few days.  That’s the good news for Hanarahananananan.  He could see some time in the ninth.  And there’s the bad news.

Manny Ramirez – Looks headed to the White Sox.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this move.  Because, well, I’m not excited.  I don’t own him anywhere.  If I did own him, I’d be slightly more excited.  At least, he should actually play now.  If you got the best possible month from Manny, you’re still not going to get anything you couldn’t grab off waivers in all but the deepest leagues.  Maybe 7 homers and a .350 average in a best case scenario.  More realistically, a few homers and a .300.

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hasn’t won in over a month and his ERA is up to 3.61.  The K-rate is still purdy, so the Colby cheese hasn’t lost its bite.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was a home schooler for the early months of the season, but his ERA in August is under 2 and is now startable every time out.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-5, hit his 2nd homer in three games.  Kouz is one of those players I halfheartedly mention that I can’t even bear to own myself.  And that’s me undercutting what was already a lukewarm recommendation!

Ivan Nova – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As defined by Oxford English Dictionary, a Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks.  As defined by Chevy Pimpalas dot com, the Nova is freakin’ awesome.

Marcus Thames – Was in Friday’s Buy, has 5 homers in his last 5 games.  Like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Jeremy Guthrie – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Napoli-less Angels.  Yeah, the “Cutting off Napoli to spite the team” strategy is working good.  Anything that gets Jeff Mathis’ .201, 3 homer bat into the lineup.  Maybe Scioscia should skip Jered Weaver’s turn in the rotation too, so Kazmir can get an extra start.  He’s managing the team like he’s got a deal with that lady from Major League.

Koji Uehara – Got his fourth save yesterday as Buck Showalter gave him the confirmation name, “Closer.”

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  Aim to please, that’s CarGo’s MotTo.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-5 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yup.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 8th blown save.  He needs a lozenge he’s coughed up so many games recently.  He’s surrendered a run in each of his last four starts and 7 of his last ten.  I’d be shocked if the Marlins continue to roll him out there.  I made a speculative grab of Clay Hensley in two leagues.  Jose Veras could also be an option.  Or it may be the dreaded closer by committee.  Don’t these people realize nothing’s better done by committee?  Except jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a bout of lightheadeness.  This is following a severe case of redheadness.  Hanley, you think you can get into the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People that easily?  The NAAGP has a bumper sticker for you, “Feckless without freckles.”

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.

The first time Manny Ramirez went on waivers was before the 2004 season when the Sawx dared any team to accept his $20MM/year contract.  No one did and he helped the Sawx win the World Series.  Now it’s the Dodgers’ turn.  Say goodbye to Mannywood?  Could be.  If no one dares take him, the McCourts will be fighting over custody of him during the divorce proceedings (You take him…No, you take him…No, you take him to Central Park and let him play on the jungle gym then, when he falls, carry him 20 blocks to the nearest ER).  Hopefully for Manny’s sake, the Patron Saint of Bad Contracts (Kenny Williams of the ChiSox) claims him.  If Manny goes to a new team, it could invigorate him like a healthy dose of estrogen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Octavio Dotel – In the closerousel in L.A., Dotel recorded the save.  Broxton worked a perfect 8th, then Torre threw three relievers in the ninth with none of them being Kuo.  Of course not, why would Kuo be used?  He was only labeled the closer replacement while Broxton figures his shizz out.  Assuming no meltdowns, Broxton will be the closer again soon.

Russell Branyan – In his last ten games, he has 6 homers in only 6 hits.  It’s like he’s playing Intellivision.

Madison Bumgarner – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  After the Giants beat up on the Reds lefty rookie pitcher (Wood), the Reds returned the favor on the Giants’ Bumgarner.  If there was any team you think would go easy on a lefty, it’s the Reds but they’ve now hit two solid lefties in a row.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-6 with a steal.  He’s also 10 for his last 17.  He’s much cuter when he’s hitting.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-6 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Uribe gets crazy hot at times; this could be one of those times.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t a great few days to be a pitcher in AT&T.  I’d continue to hold Bailey for now.

Joey Votto – 4-for-7 with 2 homers.  You know those mannequins that you put in your passenger seat so you can illegally ride in the carpool lane?  I have one of those outfitted in a Votto jersey.  Last week, we went to see Eat Pray Love at a drive-in, but we didn’t watch much of the movie.

Brandon League – Recorded the save in yesterday’s game even though Aardsma hadn’t been used in a few games.  Something could be going on with Aardsma; I grabbed League in a few, uh, leagues.

Kila Ka’aihue – Two games, two homers.  It’s on like Steve Wiebe from The King of Kong hitting a bong with some Vietcong.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  From a guy who hasn’t had an extended hot streak for almost two years, this game was long overdue.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Nationals aren’t quite the pushover they have been in the past (partially because Nyjer Morgan will throw a ball at your head if you talk smack).  This was just a solid start from a guy who has become a very reliable fourth fantasy starter.  He’s like Ted Lilly-lite.

Adam Dunn – Made a cameo in last night’s Top Chef.  He ate all the cheftestants’ dishes and then sucked up the Potomac River to quench his thirst.  BTW, gray tuna?  What, was it wearing an away uniform?

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Soriano hit his 21st homer in this game.  Are there two guys that got older overnight than these two?  Oh, wait, here’s one…

Todd Helton – 3-for-5, hitting around .350 in the last week.  SPOILER ALERT!  I already wrote my lukewarm recommendation for Helton in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Huston Street – Was seen warming up (by me) in the bullpen, but Tracy stayed with Belisle since Street had worked a few days in a row.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 10th steal.  *Grey drools*

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3 with a Paul O’Neill homer (triple + error).

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer, third in the majors in hitting since the All-Star Break.  BTW, the Rockies and Giants both came back from 9 run deficits on the same day.  Somewhere Tim Kurkijan is making dolphin noises.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-5, has hit in nine of his last ten games (still with no power).  In 101 ABs, he has 14 BBs and only 19 Ks with a .391 OBP.  At 23 years old!  Yeah, I’ll be targeting him next year.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Every time I try to get out, Maybin sucks me back in.

Alex Sanabia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Could roofie you at any time, but he looks to be emerging as a decent spot starter.

J.A. Happ – Revenge is a dish best served over 6 1/3 innings while giving up only 2 earned runs.

Michael Bourn – Hit a home run.  I didn’t see it, but I’m assuming they let him hit from 2nd base.

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4, hitting .245, Victorino hitting .254, Utley’s at .271.  Right now, the Phillies look pretty listless.

Marcus Thames – Two homers, two games.  Since Berkman’s out with old age, Thames has seen pretty frequent starts.   He’s also hitting over .300 over the last week and you know he has power.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 21st homer.  I switched to a new blood pressure medicine, so I don’t want to even discuss how Napoli will probably be benched in the Angels’ next game.  Sciosciapath!

Howie Kendrick – 5-for-6 with a RBI and 2 Runs.  Since most of his fantasy value comes from his average, it’s good to see him finally get it up to .285.  I’d put Kendrick on a short list of the most overrated players in fantasy.  He’s owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  Ian Desmond, who really hasn’t been far away from him in value, is at 35%.  Well, whatever.  Can’t solve the world’s problems.

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Comatose Angels Fan, “Hey, been in this coma since March and just woke up yesterday.  Awesome that we got Haren and we’re scoring 12 runs a game!  We must be in first by what?  10 games?”   Off my head shake.  “Damn, those stupid Mariners are in front of us, aren’t they?”  You should sit down, Comatose Angels Fan.

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Looks like the novelty of the new league might be wearing off.

Aaron Hill – Hit his 19th homer, too bad he’s hitting .208 on the year.  How does one even hit .208 over 414 at-bats?  That’s 42 points off Adam Dunn’s career average.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s appropriate his last name starts with a hard C, not a K.

Jeff Niemann – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Hopefully you forgot to activate him.  Personally, I’d forget to own him.

Jason Jaso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Doesn’t have much power, but Jaso hits leadoff and has a .391 OBP.

Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It took to almost the point where he’s about to get shutdown, but he’s been dominant of late.  In his last 5 starts, he has an ERA of 2.32.  It’s hard to recommend him because of his team and division, but he really can be this good.

Koji Uehara – Great, now this schmohawk is the closer.  Earth to Buck Showalter, Mike Gonzalez has closer stuff!  Buck said he won’t name a closer so you can either lose all of them or hold one.  I’d hold Uehara simply because he’s recorded the last two saves.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Ozzie kills most of his value with the nine hole placement, but he has been hitting lately.

Dustin Pedroia – Francona arranged for Pedroia to talk to Michael Jordan because he suffered from a similar injury back in 1985.  I know how this story ends.  Jordan lures Pedroia to Vegas where his scrappiness and spunk are useless against the 15s and 16s he gets dealt at the blackjack table.  He gets out of town with only his stubble and a pair of Hanes he got from Jordan.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mariners.  According to Beckett, the Mariners offense is worth as much as an Alvin Davis rookie card.

Dallas Braden has 200 major league innings under his belt and his K/9 IP is a little bit over 5.  In 180 IP, that’s 100 Ks.  In other words, not good.  In other other words, blech.  In other other other words, there is no such thing as other other other words.  Dallas’s 10 Ks is more a condemnation of the Mariners’ hitting (were they wearing their fielding gloves instead of batting gloves?) than something warranting reevaluation of Braden’s status as an okay 4th/5th starter in AL-only leagues.  He’s not a mixed league option at this point.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Before you get any ideas, Ryan Sweeney is the A’s three hole hitter.  Ryan Sweeney sounds like the captain of your high school soccer team.  Kevin Kouzmanoff is the A’s cleanup hitter.  The Padres didn’t even want Kouzmanoff.  ‘Nuff said on him.  Ellis, Buck and Pennington is the bottom of their order.  That’s a lacrosse team.  Half of this lineup is playing the wrong sport. That’s why Snell pitched well, Baby Jessica.

Corey Hart – 0-for-3.  Jim Edmonds could’ve done that.

Casey McGehee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, HR yesterday.  I begrudgingly let Rudy draft him on one of our teams.  Not only did he hit a homer yesterday, but he did it against my Razzball pitcher, Greg Smith.  Dance, whammies, dance.

Rickie Weeks – 1-for-2, HR and a steal yesterday.  If he can stay healthy, he can do the same as Brandon Phillips.

Randy Wolf – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks and the Win as he got the run support that eluded him last year.  This is the kind of start you’ll get from Wolf, maybe a little less on the Ks.  He’ll get similar results to the guy Doug Davis sees in the mirror if his mirror is set to 5 years ago.

Marcus Thames – 0-for-1, but as soon as the lefty was lifted Brett Gardner came into the game.  I wouldn’t let this affect my ownage of Gardner.  Yeah, ownage is a word.  I ownage mittens.  See?

Robinson Cano – 2-for-3 with a HR yesterday.  Earlier in his career (ya know, like 2008), he wasn’t great in the 1st half.  He shook that shizz off last year and looks to be doing it again.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 as he batted in the nine hole vs. a lefty.  Why?  Because there is no ten hole.

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4 and a steal.  It’s only two games (hey, Mr. Obvious, don’t forget to tell everyone you’re breathing), but Beltre has looked good so far.  If there wasn’t that whole righty-lefty thing going on in the Sawx’s lineup, Beltre should be batting above Old Papi.

Joe Mauer – HR yesterday.  Coming after I called him a schmohawk?  J’accuse!  Oh, wait, it was J. Saunders.  He also served one up to J. Morneau and J.J. Hardy.  J’figures!

Scott Kazmir – Says he should be ready to go next week vs. the Yankees.  He’s in the Bennis Carpensheeter family tree.  He’s the uncle who sells tea leaves at the weekly flea market.  Kazmir was solid with the Angels last year with a 1.73 ERA and 1.05 WHIP, but, as I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size.  It was only 36 1/3 innings.  In 111 innings last year with the Rays, he had a 5.92 ERA and a 1.54 WHIP.  His WHIP tends to be ugly and his FIP hasn’t been below 4 since 2007.  There’s the risk, now proceed if you like.

Nick Blackburn – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This was a good start for Blackburn.  That isn’t a good thing.

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 2 Ks and his 1st Save.  Wouldn’t be weird to see him get 35 more of them.

Mike Napoli – Mathis started again.  Maybe Napoli can get the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League to make him their new cause célèbre or maybe they can get Napoli on Jersey Shore, Season 2.

Chris Johnson – 0-for-4 as he started at 3rd base.  Look at Ed Wade showing his toupee who’s the boss.  “Listen here toupee, I’m starting one of my no hype, no walk rookies!”  Toupee, “I want Blum back in there for game three.”  You know who the real loser in this is?  All of those fans that bought tickets to The Juice Box to see Geoff Blum play.  “But he was starting for Opening Day!  I need barbecue.  Stat!”  At 25, Chris Johnson led the Astros in homers in Spring Training.  I doubt he led them in walks.  In the minors, there were some years he didn’t even crack a .300 OBP.  In deep and NL-Only leagues where 3rd base is very shallow, Johnson’s a name to look at.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t the prettiest game, but can’t blame the Wandwagon when the only offense the Astros get is from Blanc0 Polanco.

Barry Zito – 6 IP, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Did I mention the Astros’ offense?  If it were a horse, it would be glue.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5, HR.  Mr. Jones is gonna be a big, big star.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, HR.  I will now shake my fist at the sky for everyone who drafted him last year and not this year.

Mike Gonzalez – 1/3, 2 ER, blown save.  RT @ScottDowns Managers don’t want lefty closers because of their precious matchups.  Don’t give them more reasons, Mike Gonzalez. #CureScottDownsSyndrome

Chase Headley – 4-for-9 and a steal so far this season.  He’s like Charley Lau up in this piece!

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a steal.  In the 7th, Everth Cabrera twisted his ankle.  In the 8th, he stole a base.  In the 9th, he explained what the hell was going on in last night’s Lost episode.

Chris Young – 6 IP, 4 baserunners, 0 ER, 5 Ks and not one baserunner stole against him.  I would definitely own him if he’s out there.  I’m not quite fully back with my confidence in him, but I was once a big believer.  Maybe if I see Chris Young’s likeness on a piece of gum my faith will be restored.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 2nd homer last night.  He’s a big time 1st half performer.  If you’re gonna own him, now is the time.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 1ER.  Kazaam!

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 as he started for Seth Smith…. Or is it Seth Smith starting for him?  I’m so confused.  Pick one, please.  Or someone Tonya Harding Brad Hawpe’s knee.

Ian Stewart – 3-for-4, double, triple and home run yesterday.  FoxTrax unveiled a new feature in a similar vein as their controversial glow puck. When a home run ball leaves the yard, its trajectory leaves a rainbow.  It only works for Ian Stewart.