You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day? They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day. “Ooh, a swing and a miss. Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.” “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.” “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?” Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies! Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day. Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us! His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up. He’s obviously not this good. His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally. Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there. By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jonathan Papelbon hit the DL and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Though, I’m using the archaic definition of nicer. An adjective which was once described a jerk off who went to Nice, France and hurled insults. Example, A nicer man would stand on the curb as Gerard Depardieu passed on his bicycle, screaming, “You are the fattest frog I’ve ever seen and I once force fed a frog to make frog foie gras.” Filling in for Papelbon will be Shawn Kelley and Felipe Rivero. Rivero is a lefty, so his best hope for saves is a 9th inning that is lefty heavy like my Facebook feed from my Bernie Sanders-supporting friends. Of course, Dusty said he wouldn’t commit to any one replacement because Dusty’s gonna Dusty. He cited other possible candidates to close like Blake Treinen and Sammy Solis. I wonder if Dusty knows that’s not the slugger he once managed in Chicago. “Sammy Solis, you came up short with McGwire, but I need you to close out this game. By the way, go easier on the skin whitening.” That’s Dusty while juggling the toothpick in his mouth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
And, with the first pick of the MLB draft, the Philadelphia Phillies take… Someone that was born in 1998. I have a bottle of ketchup older than that. In fact, I think I have an entire shelf of condiments older. Mickey Moniak or Grey’s Worcestershire sauce? What? That doesn’t ever go bad and it’s used for one thing. I think I dated a girl in 1998 who wanted a Bloody Mary. What else am I going to do with it?! Lea & Perrins conspired to add it in the recipe of the Bloody Mary so everyone would have to buy it. But you done messed up, Lea & Perrins, because there’s no use-by date! Seinfeld pulls me aside like Bania, “You have fifteen minutes of Worcestershire sauce material, maybe you diversify? What’s the deal with soy sauce? If it’s soy, shouldn’t it be white?” Wanna feel really old, look at Mickey Moniak. He makes Christian Yelich look like a blue-hair. I’m sure Prospector Ralph will be along on Sunday to talk about the MLB Draft in total, but the Phils grabbed Mickey Moniak, an eighteen-year-old lefty who has a line-drive stroke. Said to have a high floor, which means low upside. Hey, he actually might be just like Christian Yelich, two brothers from nearly this millennial. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I am admittedly a massive fan of The Beautiful Game, the game that they call football in most of the world, albeit not in the USA. Baseball is certainly a beautiful game, but soccer finds a way to place that “the” in front of it kind of like that Buckeye school in Columbus, Ohio. Naturally, as a soccer fan, I’ve been following the Copa America Centenario closely, and was glad to see the USMNT win handily on Tuesday night to keep hopes alive. Now, I will pick a DraftKings lineup to help you out and in the process assign each and every player in the lineup his position for the moment when MLB decides that for their all star game, their all stars will play soccer instead of baseball. You gotta remember, Manfred is progressive.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday June 13th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.Please, blog, may I have some more?
James Shields was traded to the White Sox for Erik Johnson and Fernando Tatis Jr. I remember well his father, Fernando Tatis Jr. (yes, they are both juniors; not at all confusing). I remember Tatis because he was the reason back in 2000, I said on my Geocities site, Fantasy Baseball and Neon Green Backgrounds, the following, “The Cardinals won’t bring up Albert Pujols because they have Fernando Tatis. Let’s just be grateful we made it through Y2K with all of our AOL emails intact. I got this forward from my uncle that is hilarious! Also, I think JC Chasez is easily the best singer in NSYNC. Justin Timberlake? More like Give-Me-A-Timberbreak!” Wow, that didn’t age well at all. So, the Padres finally listened to me and attempted to get younger. No idea about this Tatis; he’s so young he doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page yet — and Carson Cistulli has a Wiki page longer than Harriet Tubman! Elsewhere, Erik Johnson becomes an NL-Only add, but his wonky control leaves him a streamer for now in mixed leagues. As for Shields, leaving Petco + aging pitcher who hasn’t looked great for over a year now = Aged Balsamic. Hmm, math’s off there, was supposed to equal risky bet for mixed leagues with increased win potential and decreased ratios. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Saturday, our prayers were answered. No, not the prayer about winning Powerball. Or the prayer about sweatpants becoming the new formalwear. Or the prayer about muttonchops being some magical aphrodisiac. Or the prayer about your mom forgetting that time you accidentally sexted her. Or that prayer about being as successful in real life as you are in fantasy. No, not those. The prayer about Yu Darvish returning and looking as dominant as ever. On Saturday, he threw the fastest pitch of his major league career, throwing three pitches for more than 98 MPH. The line of 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks was solid, but I imagine this will be the start of him reaffirming his place in the top 10 starter conversation. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department sang, “Yu, Yu got what I need…Yu say he just spends Yen…Yu say he just spends Yen…But baby Yuuuuuu,Yu got what I need!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Sonny Gray hit the Disgraceful List with a combination of ineffectiveness and Grey calling him a preseason schmohawk. My schmohawks: Schwarber, Pollock, Gray, Tulo and Sano. If I were Sano, I’d move into the giant bubble that Tulo is apparently living in to still be healthy. Seriously, if you were placing odds in the preseason on which one of those would hit the DL, Tulo would be 10 to 1 odds as the first one; Pollock likely 2nd since he was nursing an elbow issue in the preseason; third would be Schwarber because he was playing a position he had no business playing and bound to run into a wall; finally, Gray because I put the kavorka on my namelganger, which is a magic spell so hideous that no amount of Creoles with an unlimited supply of chickens to sacrifice could reverse that hex. By the by, everything I know of Creole black magic I learned from Angel Heart. Gray has a 6+ ERA, so you can DL him if you have room, but I could see just dropping him if you don’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“Hey, I’ll take two home runs from Khris Davis and be more than happy. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll take one homer. Gently farting in your direction, Prince Fielder. Three homers? Well that is too much for my little old heart.” So began the monologue I told myself in my mirror last night. I was wearing a fedora with a feather in it and no pants. That’s added color for you to understand the scene. Then, it was the ninth, the A’s in the lead and Davis’s night looked over with two homers until. Dot dot dot. Ian Desmond homered off Ryan Madson and sent the game into the bottom of the ninth inning. Khris Davis came up to the plate, bases loaded, already with two homers on his scoresheet, could he hit one more? Could my monologue presented to my reflection come to fruition? Could my neighbors stop screaming for me to put on pants? Yes on all three! Finished the night with 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and three homers (9, 10, 11). I had Davis ranked around eight rounds higher than anyone else because I thought he could easily hit 30 homers in an age when 30 homers doesn’t come that easily. Has anything changed since the preseason? Yeah, the date. Dur. I love Khris Davis and right now looks even better than his namelganger, Chris Davis. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Owning Max Scherzer last night was like watching the Showtime classic, Emmanuelle, the erotic thriller starring Emmanuel Lewis as Webster Schlong and Alex Karras as George Papadopepuss. Through 6 IP, Scherzer had 13 Ks and was only 77 pitches. On the Tigers broadcast, Jimmy Leyland said, “(Scherzer) looks spent.” Who’s a better judge of that than his ex-manager? If only the Nationals had Jose Valverde to come in. But then Scherzer went out in the 7th and had a 1-2-3 inning with two Ks and it was if Shannon Tweed had appeared next to Emmanuel Lewis and this erotic thriller became more elaborate, convoluted and spectacular! Then Scherzer came out in the 8th and struck out three more guys to put his total at 18 Ks. Then, came the ninth. Now, no guy has a shorter hook than Emmanuel Lewis, but no manager has a longer hook than Dusty. Scherzer could’ve been on pitch 175 and he would’ve been out there to finish it, and finish the Tigers he did. Final line: 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 20 Ks. He is still giving up homers though…. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jung Ho Kang returned to the Pittsburgh line up after being sidelined since last September with a fractured tibia and what a return he had. Tibia shmibia! Kang came back with style, hitting two ding-dongs and going 2-for-4 with 3 RBI. Talk about gung ho! Talk about an obvious headline! What? You think you can do better? Go ahead and try. Please don’t I need that .0001% of a cent per page view every month if I want to afford my obsessive soba noodles and MOBA habit. Kang slashed .287/.355/.461 last season with 15 homers and 58 RBI. If there’s a possibility Kang is somehow still available in your league now’s your chance because he won’t be long. Me suspects manager Clint Hurdle will ease Kang into the daily line up slowly, but if he keeps hitting dingers we should see him playing everyday sooner rather than later. From the looks of it, Kang is going to pick up right where he left off and be a valuable fantasy asset immediately.
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?