Adam Wainwright went 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was out-dueled by Jeff Locke (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks). Wainwright being out-dueled seems to be the norm lately. In August, his ERA is 5.17 and he says he’s going through a ‘dead arm’ phase. Ways that a dead arm could help (in no particular order): tricking a zombie while playing dead, making your other arm feel more alive, doorstop, can’t pick up a bill because your wallet is in the dead arm pocket, screaming out “Sorry, dead arm!” when cutting off people while driving and making your Bernie Lean more believable. Ways that a dead arm won’t help: pitching. Verlander’s arm must be so dead that necrophiliac stray dogs try to constantly hump it. You have to hold onto Wainwright and hope he comes out of it, but obviously this was not what you wanted to hear. By the by, Rudy tells me after he learned his wife was preggers with twins he went through a ‘dead penis’ phase. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Salutations, daily fantasy degenerates. I am Dug Fister, the newest member of the Razzball team. The truth is I have been part of Razzball since conception, I was just serving a PED suspension, but I swear Tehol told me they were just Sour Patch Kids that looked like Alex Rodriguez. All jokes aside, I take my DFS very seriously, and want to help the readers prosper and make some cash.

Today we have a plethora of aces going, so I will try and focus more on value pitching and hitters. Let’s face it – any schmuck can come on here and tell you to take Clayton Kershaw, Felix Hernandez and David Price. With that being said, you have your cash game pitchers covered, and should use at least one of the aforementioned pitchers.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to check the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last night, I finally took a break after nearly 30 non-stop hours of watching the Every Simpsons Ever marathon to watch Wil Myers at bat. Much like Grandpa Simpson, I imagine someday I’ll tell my grand kids about watching the at-bats of a young Wil Myers, before he went on to achieve fantasy superstardom. Also like Grandpa Simpson, I imagine my story won’t really go anywhere. Like, “Back in ought-14, I had to use a remote to change the channel, because the cable companies had yet to implant the channel-changing chips in our brains. However, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt. Wil Myers stepped up to the plate in the 8th and sent a ball 400 feet into the seats for his first homer since May. Back then, before we switched to the metric system officially in 2042, we still measured things in feet because, Amurica. Twelve inches, you know. Myers ended 1-for-3 with 2 runs, 2 walks, his fifth home run, and his fourth stolen base. Mmmm, HRs and SBs. In those days, fantasy players like that were hard to come by, steroids were still illegal in baseball at the time, and did I mention I had an onion on my belt?” Anyway, I managed to pry myself away from #everysimpsonsever to watch Myers impress for the first time since returning from the DL three days ago and was shocked to find he’s unowned in a little less than 50% of ESPN and 30% of Yahoo leagues. Why am I not in any of these leagues?  Wil “I Passed the Other L to the Player on My Left” Myers struggled earlier in the season (.227 batting average in 53 games) but the 23-year old phenom is just a year removed from being baseball’s top prospect, and hit close to .300 with 13 homers and 5 stolen bases in just 88 games in 2013. Dude could catch fire any minute! Grey told you to BUY him this week, and Myers has all the tools to Wil your fantasy team to victory in the last few weeks, so if he’s out there on waivers somehow I’d grab him immediately, then maybe someday you can bore your grand kids with the story of how Wil Myers saved your fantasy season.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I see you. Yes you. The one in the back who watches Hentai. I’m going to kindly ask you to leave. I know where you’re taking this title and I’m not having it. Go enjoy your bukkake fetish somewhere else, m’kay? Thanks. Now that we got rid of THAT crowd…hey wait, where did everybody go? Seriously, THAT was a majority of my readership? I guess I’m big in Japan. Clear sign of being talented and yet not able to make it stateside all at the same time. Humbling yet satisfying. I’m still not writing about tentacles going places they shouldn’t, though…you’ll have to read my memoirs for that. But of course, my title is referring to one of the most delicious and versatile condiments the world has to offer. I’m a Cholula man myself, though I don’t venture much into crazy uncharted territory in the world of hot sauces. And no, I haven’t had ghost pepper hot sauce. The eff outta here with that stuff. I like spicy but I also like the idea of keeping my intestinal track working correctly until the incontinence sets in. But yeah, Carlos Carrasco. See what I did there? Nothing, that’s what. It’s 2 am and I’m tired as all get out so you’re gonna take your awkward segue and you’re gonna like it. My boy Carlos has been treating his owners right of late, scoring 22 points @NYY and 28 vsBAL his last two times out. He’s always been ‘a guy with the stuff’ but couldn’t harness it and he looks like he’s channeling his inner harness chi of late. Though the Astros aren’t the worst club in all the land of late, they do still strike out plenty and were held scoreless by Brandon McCarthy just yesterday. B-Mac managed a CGSO with 8 K. I ain’t gonna promise that from Hot Carrasco but the K sauce should be there in droves. I think he can give you 6 innings and strike out 7 while limiting the walks and the hits. For the manageable price of $6,600, you’re gonna have an easy time building a lineup and paying up for a big arm if you need it. See? Hot Carrasco sauce goes with everything. Title don’t lie! Now lets get on with the pickins…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to check the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

James Paxton continued to pitch well last night versus the ferocious Tigers tossing six innings, allowing five hits, one run, walking one and striking out a pair to move to 3-0 on the year. We shall call you, Pax the Destroyer! Pax is also one of Guardians of the Galaxy, believe it or not. No, not the tree or the raccoon. No, he’s not Scott Hatteberg from Moneyball or the smoking hot green alien either, but the other guy. The big guy. Yeah, him, apparently, he can pitch too. Since returning from the DL at the beginning of the month, he’s got a 2.16 ERA in three starts, giving up 4 ER, 15 hits and 4 walks while striking out 11 in 16.2 innings against some of the leagues top offenses (Baltimore, White Sox and Detroit). Sure, the stats aren’t overwhelming, but he’s still adjusting after returning from four months on the DL with a strained lat, and if you take his early season stats into account, the Destroyer holds a 0.94 WHIP and a 24/6 K/BB ratio. Also, the sample size is tiny, but the .236 BABIP and the 2.61 xFIP sure are pretty to look at. The M’s need Paxton to step up big time down the stretch, and I think he could do the same for your fantasy team. Pax the Destroyer gets the Phillies next week, and he’s undefeated, getting better by the start. He’s available in little over 70% of leagues and you don’t have to be a space pirate, a weird alien tree man, or a even Xandarian collector to see he could be worthy of a pick up in most leagues.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here’s a scenario for you: Hanley Ramirez and Carlos Gonzalez get onto a plane. Knowing their inability to stay healthy, you A) Get off the plane. B) Purposely get yourself thrown off the plane by calling the male flight attendant, Mr. Stewardess, and asking him if he’s the pimp for the female stewardesses and if you could have a multi-person shag in the lavatory. C) There’s no C. Any of the above answers would work, even C and there wasn’t a C. CarGo can’t stay healthy and Hanley doesn’t seem to want to. If you count 145 games played as a full season, CarGo’s played one full season. This year, he might not play in 71 games and he’s at 70. Yes, he could be done for the year. Yes, it’s bad news with CarGo. Freight so. Even if he plays again, he has 11 homers and 3 steals in 70 games. Yunel Escobar looks at that and talks to a trademark attorney. It’s gonna be fun next year hearing people draft CarGo while they say, “I just need him to stay healthy for 120 games.” Those people are called delusional. As for Hanley, he’s supposed to return as soon as his DL stint is over, and he should as long as he doesn’t have to play hard in a rehab assignment. That would be impossible for him even if healthy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Despite his recent clunker, Marcus Stroman was the most added player on ESPN with a 49% jump in ownership. It’s well deserved, as the 23-year-old right-hander has put together a nice season for the Blue Jays. After spending the first part of 2014 yo-yoing between the minors and a brief role in the Jays bullpen, Stroman has a 3.49 ERA (3.30 xFIP) with a 7.9 K/9 and 2.09 BB/9. Those are solid numbers from a rookie, and while it was speculated that he could be hurt by the long ball, he’s managed to keep his HR/9 at a nice 0.58 rate. He’s not a big guy, but if you’ve seen him pitch this year you’d agree he’s got good stuff. The Toronto faithful have even made this cool hat. Like all rookies he’ll have bad days like this past Sunday, but sandwiched between two bad starts were three beauties. Prior to that start he had strung together 21 innings with only one earned run and 20 strikeouts. He hasn’t walked more than two batters in his last five starts and he hasn’t given up a homer in six of his last seven. It’s possible the Jays will be careful with Stroman moving forward so keep an ear to the ground for news of a possible innings limit. Outside of that I’d roster Stroman in all forrmats despite Sunday’s hiccup. He’s right there with fellow rookies Jake Odorizzi and Kevin Gausman and I’d actually prefer Stroman over both at the moment. Here are this week’s other big adds and drops in 2014 fantasy baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Au Shucks, Au No, Au Crap, Au Whatever You Want To Say, it’s Au Not So Good. Au contraire mon frere, it’s auful. On Friday night, in a meaningless at-bat in a meaningless game in a meaningless season by the lowly Diamondbacks team, lowly’s meaning: less, Paul Goldschmidt entered the game as a pinch hitter and was plunked* (*trademark Eric Plunk), and now has a broken hand. Au, c’mon, can’t we have anything nice? Au, guys and four girls, it’s au so bad. Am I au right? Au, sadly no, I’m not au right; shizz has gone pear shape and au wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have paid retail for this word ‘au;’ now I feel compelled to use it so auften. Aufortunately, Goldschmidt is droppable in redraft leagues. Here’s hoping he’s fine for next year. Au please. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If the weather cooperates today, I’m hoping Stephen Strasburg ($9,300) comes through as my ace in DFS games. There’s a chance of storms for this match-up with the Phillies, so start at your own risk. That said, the Phils own a wRC+ of 84 against right-handed pitching. That’s good for 28th in baseball and Strasburg should have little trouble against them. In his last start against the Phillies, the 26-year-old right-hander gave up two earned runs while striking out nine batters in just 5 2/3 innings pitched.  That was part of a recent string of four starts with at least eight strikeouts. He’ll have a tough time sealing the win with Cole Hamels on the mound for the Phils, but the strikeout upside here is enough for me to want him as my SP#1 this week. He’s ranked #1 on the Stream-o-Nator today at a $24 value.

If you are new to DraftKings, use our promo link to get started. New players that click on that link will get a free contest ticket with a first time deposit (only new users eligible). The winner of the contest gets entry into our $500k Showcase with a $100k top prize. Also, if you haven’t tried the DFSBot via Rudy, check it out: it compares projected values to actual DFS prices for the day. Here are some other picks for DraftKings contests on 8/3/2014…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.”

With that being said, it’s officially go time! Time to make that valiant push into the playoffs, time for me, Tehol Beddict, to assist you however possible in turning your dreams into reality. There’s no time to waste so let’s swan dive right into this thang. This is, Disgrace/Delight!

Note: Are you brave enough to battle not just my fantasy football wit, but my fantasy football loins… powered by the Elder Gods? Take me on in our fantasy football RCL’s for special prizes!

Please, blog, may I have some more?