Fantasy Baseball Advice

Okay, I’m officially in love.  ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper.  I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet.  Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth.  Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance.  That’s what I’m going to do.  His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches.  His line last time nearly as good.  His line tomorrow?  The moon!  Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon.  I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues.  He has a nice K-rate and solid control.  A terrific combo.  Could he go out next time and roofie you?  There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs.  He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week.  He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP.  He’s the one true outcome hitter.

Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench.  Thanks, Matt Kemp.  I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.

Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week.  Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him?  How inconsiderate.

Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games.  Also, hitting .333 over the last week.  To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind).  BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind?  Adam Snider?  Maybe it’s me.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer.  Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat.  Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next.  I vote for John McDonald.

Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday.  At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match.  He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.

Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain.  Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August.  And he might.  But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.

Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez.  Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.

Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians.  All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs.  That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.

Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast.  I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.

Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee.  His knee probably does own him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.

David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs.  I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.

Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.

Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September.  On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.

Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him?  Thanks!

Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate.  In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.

Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game.  He’s also hitting  near .400 in August.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months.  Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break.  Cust kayin’.

Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances.  Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.

Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently.  Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible.  No, I think it’s the first reason.  I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate.  Heilman’s still the closer.

Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series.  Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute.  Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting.  Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant.  All these babies make complete sense.  The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions.  Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses.  He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time.  He only has three non-quality starts all year.  He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.

Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR.  J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.

Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits.  Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI.  Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”

Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.

Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  Had his 2nd two homer game in two days.  Say that fast 117 times!  LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!”  (I wish I wrote that song.)  Alvarez is 23 years old.  For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!!  (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.)  Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter?  Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games.  This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?”  I keed.  So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season.  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Shot!  Or 12 homers and a terrible average.  He’s still K’ing too much.  I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs.  I would not drop anyone that I might regret.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days.  Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter.  Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy.  Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Juan Rivera – Over his last 7 games, he’s hitting .450 with a homer and a steal.  I avoided him like the plague in the preseason, but I have nothing against picking up a random hot outfielder for a two to three week fling.  I’m a fantasy baseball whore like that.

Hideki Matsui – Hit his 2nd homer in the last two games at The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium Ruth Built.  Must’ve been nice to be home again.  The city where he made his major league debut.  The city where he won the World Series MVP.  The city where he masturbated to his legendary collection of porn.

Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the three hole while Mauer rested his long, supple gams.  I like Delmon at the top of the lineup.  He’s hitting and he can throw the bat at an ump harder than anyone else.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2 with his 13th homer.  Good thing you dropped him!

Ted Lilly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Trade talks are starting to heat up on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (<–actual name!).  He’s a three and a half ERA, low WHIP guy wherever he goes, so I wouldn’t be too worried.  (BTW, don’t you think the word ‘three’ should have three E’s?  Maybe it’s just me.)

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  He could hit 15 homers in the next two-plus months.  Or he could strikeout 100 times.  Or he could do both.  I’d grab him if you’re hurting for power.

Andrew Bailey – For what it’s Wuertz, Wuertz (stutterer!) got the save as Bailey had a routine day off.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Returned to the DL and then Dice-K pulled a ‘Vice-Versa’ and body switched with him.  I’m sure this was partially due to rust, but Buchholz also was supposed to regress a bit, so there’s that.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Beltre loves contract years like a fat kid loves cake.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  After starting Arroyo in leagues, I’m walking like I was just jumping hurdles.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4.  I hope I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Dunn’s average is about to bungee and the cord is going to snap.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when he was first called up in 2008 and we nicknamed him Jobacum because he was one part Joba (this was when Chamberlain was good) and one part Lincecum.  Yeah, good times.  Anyhoo, Scherzer’s now looking more like Ubaldcumo.

Randy Wolf – 5 2/3 IP, 12 ER, 15 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Brewers should buy him a Corvette for making him stay in this game.

George Kottaras – 2-for-4, and he hit his 8th homer which is twice as many as Mauer.

Carlos Gonzalez – Played for part of the game until he had to leave after reaggravating his bruised finger.  Aggravating, indeed.

Yorvit Torrealba – This is a message for the Padres’ front office.  Everyone else can skip to the next blurb.  Padres, it’s nice that you’re winning.  Your pitching is good.  There’s no doubt about that.  When you are batting Yorvit Torrealba 2nd in your lineup, you need to make a trade for hitting.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have all the pieces you need.  Jerry Hairston Jr. is not a leadoff man.  Headley, Denorfia, Venable, Skinny Gwynn, EverCab… They’re all terrible hitters.  Gaby Sanchez is better than all of them and Gaby Sanchez isn’t really that good.  Okay, now go get some bats.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA in Coors is 3.18 and more than 2 runs better than when he’s in pitchers’ parks.  Figure that shizz out.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!  It’s kinda easier when a player just goes totally bad.  These good starts mixed in with bad starts are much more frustrating.  I just know his next start isn’t going to be good.  I know it in my soul.  I will start him anyway.

Chad Billingsley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  How can he pitch so poorly then so well?  As Scully would say, “The truth is out there.”  Wait, that’s the wrong Scully.

Marc Rzepczynski – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him right now in any leagues.  Even in my league that only uses players with the last name Rzepczynski.

Jose Bautista – The Blue Jays are taking my advice about selling high on Bautista as they take offers from some contending teams.  Now it’ll be interesting to see how many actual teams will buy into Bautista when no fantasy ones will.

Carl Crawford – Day-to-day with testicular contusion, which is different than RuPaul’s testicular confusion.

Erik Bedard – Won’t pitch this year.  Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy.  Keep it real, Bedardens!  Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait.  At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right.  Yeah, trade’s still not looking so good.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He leads the AL in Ks and is 2nd in ERA.  But he may not get to 10 wins.  In other news, I need wins in all of my leagues.  In other other news, kill me now while playing The Carpenters, “We’ve Only Just Begun” because I want to go out IRONICALLY!

In the clubhouse after last night’s game, the Nats watched as ESPN reported Strasburg wasn’t pitching until Friday so there was nothing to talk about.  Nothing to say about Adam Dunn.  Nothing to say about that Zimmerman guy.  Josh Will-something… They couldn’t even remember his name.  The team stopped watching the highlights, upset they were nothing but Anthony Edwards to Strasburg’s Clooney.  Knowing something had to be done, Dunn left the clubhouse as he always had – by reaching up, removing the ceiling and climbing out.  Then he jumped on the back of a blue ox and circled the globe until time rewound to before the game.  Dunn then went out and hit his 18th, 19th and 20th homers while rocking a .280 average on the year.  Now after the game, ESPN reported Dunn hit 3 homers, specifying it came just two days prior to Strasburg’s next start.  Dunn shrugged, it was a start as he ripped the blue ox’s leg off and had dinner.  Hee-haw!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Desmond – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 6 homers and 6 steals on the year.  Ever heard of the slow boat to China?  Yeah, Desmond’s on the slow boat to 12/12.

Todd Helton – Placed on the DL with a sore back.  He needs his Bond girl, Miss Aja Chair.

Brad Eldred – 3-for-4, 3 Runs.  Was called up in the wake of Helton’s old age.  Eldred has monster power and a poor average.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him for the chance at lightning in a bottle.  I’d say grab him in mixed leagues too, but he may not see all the playing time over Giambi.  Depends how quickly Giambi’s defense and fragility (<–hey, it’s Italian!) expose themselves.

Dexter Fowler – A three-run homer as he showed that Fowler power.

Chris Iannetta – 3 games, 3 homers.  As if it needs to be said, but this is not good for Miguel Olivo.

Matt Garza – Picked up the save.  Soriano had pitched four days in a row so Maddon opted for Garza on his throw day.  Or maybe Maddon owns Hellickson in a keeper and wants to see Garza get hurt.  Hard to say.

David Price – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hopefully he doesn’t need to close out Sunday’s game.

Marc Rzepczynski – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in The RZE’s return from a fractured finger.  Shame on a finga!  The consonant monger had a great K-rate in the minors and is worth a flier in AL-Only leagues.

Delmon Young – Hit his 10th homer yesterday while suffering a sprained wrist.  Delmon said his wrist should be F-I-N-E, fine.  He spelled it out gangsta-style.

Orlando Hudson – 3-for-4 with a homer.  I yawned while I typed his name.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his third homer in two games.  Think it’s safe to get him back in the lineup now.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now leads the majors with a 1.70 ERA.  C’mon, Marlins, trade him for some prospects, you know you wanna.

Mike Stanton – 2nd game in a row with a homer.  Definitely can mollywhop with the best of them, but he can be a drain on average for this year.

Dan Uggla – 3-for-3 as he hits .285 on the year.  Bet you’re glad you avoided him in March with his terrible average.

Casey Kotchman – 2 homers yesterday as he emphatically answered the question, “Is Casey Kotchman retired, playing 1st for the M’s or in the minors?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K as the Fister/Johnson battery made Mariner fans wince.

Chad Qualls – I see your confidence Kirk Gibson and I raise you an inning thrown and three runs given up.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Hey, at least he didn’t need 149 pitches.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Whoever the pitching coach was in Triple-A who fixed Scherzer, he might think about applying for a job in the big leagues.

Buster Posey – 4-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers.  Let’s hope he doesn’t work out with Wieters in the offseason.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with his 5th homer.  He also has 17 steals.  Incredibly, Torres is headed for a 10/30 year.  That is all… But that should be enough.

Carlos Lee – For the 2nd straight day, Lee and his “I’m too old for this shizz” brother in arms, Berkman homered.

Jayson Nix – Now with his 5th homer in 5 games.  Maybe Nix hired Marcus Giles as his strength and conditioning coach.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-5, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 more homers in Coors.  Hey, I know that one… 2007 Matt Holliday, right?  Cool impersonation!

Jake Peavy – To the DL and off to see Dr. Freeze, but this doesn’t affect anyone who reads Razzball because I told you to avoid Peavy this year.  What?  You didn’t listen?  Aw, that’s a sad story.  Here’s a tissue.  Taking over for Peavy, will be D-Hud.  To see my Daniel Hudson fantasy, click that thingamabobber.

Carlos Quentin – Could be out until Friday with a sore knee.  His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.

Aaron Hill – Was out with a stomach virus.  Interestingly enough, his owners haven’t been able to stomach him all year.

Martin Prado – 2 homers yesterday, now has 10 homers on the year with a .336 average and 61 Runs.  Yeah, he’s going to be overrated next year.

Matt Diaz – Hit a homer.  Sure, it was off Gimme Moyer, but, more importantly, what is Gimme?  *taps finger, cracks neck, yawns*  He’s a lefty!  Diaz eats lefties for breakfast.

Shane Victorino – Hit his 13th homer yesterday to keep pace with Ryan Howard, who hit his 16th.  Now if Howard had 17 steals to match Victorino, they’d be close in fantasy value.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In 303 1/3 innings over the last three years, he has a 3.06 ERA in the 2nd half.  Okay, that’s the last time I’m mentioning it (until he pitches well again).

Jonathan Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I could make the case that Niese is having a better season than Pelfrey.  If I were to make that case, I’d talk about K-rate and xFIP.  That’s if I were to make that case.

Sean Gallagher – Pirates received Gallagher for cash.  The unconfirmed cash figure was seventeen dollars, but the Pirates had a Has-Been Prospect coupon.  If you’re going to pick up Gallagher, you better put on a raincoat because he can get messy when he takes a mallet to your team’s ERA/WHIP.

Huston Street has stopped throwing due to shoulder soreness.  In other news, taco diarrhea burns.  I picture Street getting together every offseason with ex-A’s teammate, Rich Harden.  They go on a hike to Brokenback Mountain, where they enjoy the outdoors for 5 minutes until one of them pulls up lame.  Franklin Morales is the closer now and could be for the foreseeable future.  He’ll hold the reins until at least mid-May, according to the Rockies.  I’d put the over/under for Street’s reemergence at June 15th.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, Rudy asked me to announce there’s 3 spots left open in the last Fantasy Razzball league.  Draft is this Sunday.  It’s the league where you vie for the worst possible team and you can win a hot tub.  That might help getting away from the dinner table on Easter.  Details are here.  Email rudy [at] razzball.com if you want in.  Okay, back to the festivities.

Jason Frasor – Officially the Jays’ closer.  Now the Blue Jays’ announcers can segue the 8th inning to the 9th by saying, “Downs goes… Frasor!”  I wouldn’t bother with Gregg and Downs for speculative saves.  Though Downs isn’t bad for ratio help.

Lance Berkman – As first reported here (after read somewhere else), Berkman is being placed on the DL to start the season.  He says his knee’s barking.  Someone take this man to a vet!  Berkman should only miss two weeks of the season at most, but it might nag him for a lot longer, which could hurt his production.  Yeah, times aren’t great right now to own Berkman.

Brad Lidge – That sound you hear is Philly fans celebrating because Lidge had a setback.  Lidge was given a cortisone shot and will now miss the start of 2010.  Madson is the pickup.  Unlike the Frasor sitch, I’d speculate with Baez if I really needed saves.

Ian Kinsler – Officially starting the year on the DL.  Barring any setbacks, the Rangers are aiming for Kinsler to start a rehab assignment on April 8th at Double-A Frisco aka Troubled-Ankle Fiasco.  Could mean Kinsler is ready to go by April 10th, but that seems unrealistically optimistic.  Tax day would be my optimistic guess.

Alcides Escobar – Sounds like the Brewers are now moving McGehee to the five hole and will bat Alcides or Gomez in the two hole.  Since Gomez is bad at, ya know, hitting my guess is Alcides will move from the bottom to the top of the order.  It’s all coming together for Alcides… Muahahahahaha… *cough, cough* …ha.

Michael Brantley – Named the starting left fielder.  Does nothing for his value if Branyan returns and Brantley’s out of a job.  Brantley is SAGNOF for the first week of the season, maybe a little longer.

Carlos Beltran – Officially placed on the DL, retroactive to some time in 2008, I believe.

Jose Reyes – To miss Opening Day, but could be back by the 5th game of the season vs. those pesky Gnats.  This shouldn’t change your drafting of Reyes.

Mat Latos – Officially the Padres 5th starter.  Okay, I’ve gushed enough.  He’s good, grab him.  Go.

Marc Rzepczynski – Also known as The RZE is out for six weeks with a fractured finger.  Rzepczynski probably fractured his finger typing his last name.  The RZE’s first song off his new record can now be, “Shame On A Finga.”

In this corner — BJ Upton.  In that corner — expectations.  Should be TKO with BJ clobbering expectations.  Not sure what happened on the way to September, but he hasn’t been right all season.  Maybe he’s hiding an injury.  But that was last season’s excuse.  This season he was supposed to make good on his cortisone-induced playoffs show that had every classy waitress in Tampa standing at attention from their chest.  Well, didn’t happen.  I still think there’s time and I’m excited about him next year (again!).  But until then, he’s now dealing with an ankle sprain.  I’m sure he comes back.  But at what?  87.7 percent?  You need 100% from this schmohawk.  Oh, and at 100%, he’s given you 2 homers and 8 steals with a near-.220 average since July 1st.  If there’s better options, I’d consider looking elsewhere.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Franklin Morales – Huston Street made it to September without an injury.  Mazel tov, my friends in Brooklyn.  It was a deed no one thought Street capable of in March.  Now he’s suffering from an arm issue.  Rafael Betancourt’s the righty, Franklin Morales is the lefty.  When in doubt, I go with the righty.  But the Rockies obviously got word that Betancourt is a Cuddle Boy, so they’re calling Morales the closer.

Jarrod Washburn – You guys had a good run.  Okay, it wasn’t that good.  But it’s over now.  He’s sucking on the suckhole and the Tigers are skipping him in the rotation.

Carlos Torres – 7IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks. He has a decent amount of Ks in the minors.  I’m not saying to grab him everywhere, but in some deeper leagues, I could see it where you need Ks because batters won’t be familiar with him.  He also walks a ton of guys, so be very careful.  He’s capable of a Spud from Trainspotting type defecation.

Michael Brantley – First steal (and caught stealing).  Nice to see him running.  He should continue to do so.  If not, we have people we can talk to to get him running again.  *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *hand under armpit making farting noises*

Fausto Carmona – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Six innings and four earned is the line you get when you take a pitcher who shouldn’t go more than five innings more than five innings.  Or maybe he decided to tip his pitches again.  In fairness, Lugo bobbled a ball that should have been a double play then the wheels came off.

Jorge Posada – 4-for-5 and his 20th homer yesterday, while batting .288 on the season.  The Jetstream may be doing wonders, but he’s going into territory where he may be overrated next season.

Alfredo Aceves – Middle man who won his 10th game of the season yesterday.  Randy Wolf has 29 starts, 110 extra innings and 9 Wins.  Cust kayin’.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-3 yesterday as he started, while Hermida deals with a strained intercostal (isn’t that a highway in Florida?).  Maybin should see time this weekend.

Marc Rzepczynski – Shutdown for the season.  And just when I figured out how to spell his last name.

Pedro Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Okay, never saw this game coming, but still a very solid effort sans dwarf.

Casey McGehee - Now has three homers in the last four games.  He’ll be discussed in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You lucky you!

Jon Garland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks vs. his old team, the Diamondbacks.  So this is what other pitchers were talking about!

Orlando Hudson – Losing time to Ronnie Belliard.  Ouch.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks.  He now has 11 Ks in the last five games.  Obviously, I have much love for Reynolds this year, but this is the kind of stretch I worry about happening that would give me pause next year when people are going to be drafting him in the top 50 players overall.  When he was priced at an average draft pick of 175, it was much more reasonable.  Though I hope he turns it around and finishes this season strong so no one’s scared away for next year.  Muahahahahaha…

Hanley Ramirez – Missed another game because of his strained hamstring.  Then Uggla called him a faker.

Carlos Beltran – Hopes to return next week.  Wait until he sees what the Mets have done with the team!

Angel Pagan – 3-for-4 yesterday, hitting near .400 over the last week with one homer and one steal.  Maybe Pagan made a deal with the devil. (Pun point for Grey.)

Clint Barmes – Hit his 22nd homer.  Bar-MESS has 5 hits in his last ten games and two homers.  18 hits in August and he had 7 homers.  He’s a Jesse Barfield-Marcus Thames hybrid, the Barmes.