This is it, fellas and three girl readers. The last train is leaving the station. The giddy has just about got up and went. It’s your last chance and I’d throw every single pitcher, not just the ones I have listed here if it meant the difference in my league. You need to do what you do. The line for last week was 3.50 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 108 Ks and 6 Wins in 153 2/3 IP. To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final days of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:
Friday, October 1st
Fausto Carmona – I’ve been recommending for a few weeks in a row now. Like Carmona, huh, Grey? Answer, man! What, too italicized for you? I’m trying to answer, random italicized voice. Go ahead, money. I don’t like Carmona, but he does have an ERA below 2 in September.
Tony Pena – What’s more exciting than owning both pitchers in an Indians/White Sox matchup? Not much, I tell ya.
Rick Porcello – Is it bad that I don’t like any of the pitchers I’m recommending today? Yeah, prolly.
Jordan Zimmermann – I’ll say this, at least I’ll like Zimmermann next year. Here, he goes into Metco. It’s a’ight.
Saturday, October 2nd
Carlos Carrasco – How many Indians pitcher can I recommend? Geez… I’ve been in the monkey house too long.
Chris Capuano – Not a fan at all, but I’m assuming the Reds will be benching most of their hitters.
Brian Matusz – In his last three starts, he has a 0.69 ERA (rawr!).
Tim Stauffer – Pray the Giants have clinched and the Padres are still battling for the Wild Card. Though I’m not sure that situation is mathematically possible.
Alex Sanabia – Has a 3.06 ERA in his last three starts and gets the Pirates. Done and done.
Sunday, October 3rd
Randy Wolf – Gets what will undoubtedly be the Reds minor league squad in the last game of the season.
Marc Rzepczynski – You, “Honey, I can’t go to brunch with you. I’m watching my pitcher in the final game of the season.” Her, “What’s his name?” “Um…” “You’re lying to me.” “No, I just can’t pronounce his name.” “I want a divorce.”
Miguel Cabrera rolled his ankle the hard way, didn’t make his point and was immediately lifted from the game to have x-rays taken. I have some back-of-a-comic-book x-ray glasses, but I wasn’t wearing them when it happened. I’m only one man! It looked pretty serious. My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor. There’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging. Though that’s not zeroes as in money. X-rays said it was a sprained ankle, should be more news about how many games he’ll miss. I’m guessing quite a few. In other words, it ain’t good. In other other words, make other plans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Martin Prado – Left the game with an injury to his left hip pointer. That’s gonna make it hard for his sales presentation on Friday. I’m guessing he’s done for the year. If you wanna guess he’s not, then we’ll put my guess and your guess in the squared circle and let them duke it out.
Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-3 with his 14th homer. He’s insanely hot right now, after winning Player of the Week honors. You just lost Cabrera? Hello, Pedro Alvarez. You catch my drift? I mean, you should, it was pretty clear.
Brandon Webb – Will not pitch this week. If you drafted Webb, I got two words for you. Ha. Ha.
Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Everyone should know my feelings on AL East pitchers, especially ones on the lesser teams, so it’ll be hard for me to own Matusz next year, but he has made a strong case in the 2nd half of the year.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, but whatever. Do you know he has 10 homers and 57 RBIs? Marco Scutaro has more homers and only one less RBI. Marco flippin’ Scutaro!
Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. In his final start, he gets the Giants in San Fran. Best case scenario, Giants clinch the West and the Padres have to fight to win the Wild Card. Worst case scenario, the Padres have to fight for a Wild Card and Stauffer gives up a quick run or two and Black pulls him for relievers. Hope for the best.
A.J. Burnett – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I think a 10-15 record like Burnett has on a 93 Win team is almost as incredible as F-Her only having 12 wins on the M’s. Cust kayin’.
Curtis Granderson – Hit his third homer in his last four games. Actually has been a decent 2nd half for Grandy (which will only fuel his fantasy fire next preseason). In 225 1st half ABs, 7 homers, .240 average. In 229 2nd half ABs, 17 homers and .262. Maybe him and Te(i)x can go play winter ball so they can be up to speed by April.
John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 19th homer. I.e., ten more homers than Joe Mauer.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer. There is gonna be a lot of people burned next year by Blue Jay hitters. Some should be better (Lind, Snider), others will be worse (Wells, Bautista), another will be a complete crapshoot (Hill).
Marc Rzepczynski – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.
Adam Wainwright – Slept awkwardly and has a sore elbow and may not pitch again this year. That’s weird because I figured he slept standing up since he’s been a horse of so many fantasy staffs.
Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s done for the season. I said that last Friday. Okay, I’m coming clean. I’m a time traveler. Financial tip of the day: invest in Blockbuster.
Alex Sanabia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. He gets the Pirates in the Marlins’ final game of the season. Depending on your situation, I’d give Sanabia a roll.
Justin Upton – Headed to see Dr. Freeze. Don’t do it, J-Upside! He’s gonna make you miss two years and you’ll never get your velocity back.
Jason Bay – Said he might be able to return in August, but he also thinks it’s April and Ronald Reagan’s president.
Brandon League – Got the save yesterday with Aardsma on the sidelines, or as they say in real estate, “Prime neighborhood adjacent.”
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Only six days left until the next contract and then Beltre can nap for three to five years with an option to wake in the fourth year.
Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Has a 2.33 ERA, 1.20 WHIP and 17 Wins on the year. Yet, I gotta be honest, the 120 Ks in 173 2/3 IP is a bit of a red flag.
Alex Rios – Left the game with a bruised knee, which isn’t nearly as delicious as a braised knee.
Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA after the All-Star break is below 2. Yup.
Kevin Slowey – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Disappointing to the last drop.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4 with his first career homer. Not sure where that came from, but if you need steals, my man has wheels. To be exact, 6 steals in 12 career games.
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer after going 2-for-4 on Sunday. As I tell my girlfriend, beware the small sample size, but I’d give Smoak a go for his last two games in Texas.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. It wasn’t the prettiest win but you’ll take it and like it.
Luke Carlin – 2-for-4 with his first homer. Seven words no one should say, “Should I pick up that catcher Carlin?”
Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks as he probably clinched the Cy Young. After the game, a Philly fan was overheard saying, “I’m so happy I could puke on someone, in the good way.”
Some rejected titles were, “It’s A Not-So-Wonderful Elbow, Andrew Bailey,” “Old Man Potter Gets The Last Laugh” and “Won’t You Come Home, Andrew Bailey? Won’t You Come Home?” but when presented with a Party of Five reference, I turn to mush. If you can wash Po5 out of your hair, you’re a better man than me. Andrew Bailey is heading off to see Dr. Freeze, and there’s the reason why Craig Breslow was closing on Monday. Here I thought he won a game of “Whoever’s Name Sounds Most Like A Character From Family Matters Is The Closer.” I’d grab Breslow in all leagues. If you can, I’d grab Wuertz too. That’s what she said! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before I get into the roundup, fantasy basketball leagues are signing up over at our sister (brother?) site. Head over there if that’s your thing. Anyway II, here’s the roundup:
Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and his 17th win to go along with a 2.81 ERA on the year. I will now fall on my sword.
Joe Mauer – MRI showed he has tissue inflammation. That’s what my jeans had in the 8th grade. Sometimes they had socks inflammation. Wait, what? So Mauer’s not coming back for at least 5 days. Then he’s not going to play every day the week before the playoffs. I’d look elsewhere.
Joey Votto – Member when I said Dusty would start sitting Votto? Well, Votto came down with a mysterious sinus infection and missed yesterday’s game. At least it’s not a concussion, Canadians can’t handle those.
Jair Jurrjens – Has a tear in his right knee, but he might be able to make his next start. That’s nice, but Jar-Jar’s not a great start anyway.
Gaby Sanchez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 19th homer. Behind the scenes at Razzball HQ, October Grey has started to compile the recap of all the top 20 lists that he’ll post when the season ends. I mention this because Gaby’s ending up much higher than I would’ve thought. Listen (or read, which is probably easier), Gaby hasn’t been terrible, but, really, he’s just been a prime-of-his-career Lyle Overbay. It’s a’ight. Emphasis on ight.
Hanley Ramirez – Returned and went 1-for-4. In a pregame press conference, he said, “I’m sick of people saying I don’t want to play. Speaking of which, how many friggin’ games are left?”
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Solid game from Pelfrey but he gets the Phils next at Citizens Flank. As they say in Italy, thatta no good.
Mike Aviles – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs. Where have I heard his name before? Oh, I know! I wrote it yesterday.
Billy Butler – 3-for-4 and, because he loves to be overrated, he’s hitting near .400 this month. He loves it almost as much as he loves going to 2nd base on himself.
Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 3rd steal in a week. SAGNOF!
Eric Young Jr. – Speaking of SAGNOF, Young is out for the D-Backs series with a sore shin. Noooooooooo, which in a cave would sound even more ominous.
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. He gets the Giants and Cards in his final two starts in games that should mean something for the Rockies.
Justin Upton – There’s talk he’ll be shutdown. I say do it and stop giving his fantasy owners hope, but these aren’t decisions where I’m usually included.
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Sure, he didn’t stay as crazy hot as he was in April, but what other site was even talking about this guy in January?
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. He gets the Astros next, a team he has a 1.99 ERA against in 22 2/3 IP this year. He’ll probably be in Thursday’s borderline starters post with some serious caveats.
Travis Snider – Hit his 10th homer yesterday. Would it surprise anyone if I said I’m going to be excited about Snider again next year? It shouldn’t. Especially not now.
Marc Rzepczynski – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. He gets the O’s next, which could be a sneaky streamer. Or strmrzynski.
Hunter Pence – Left yesterday’s game with hip discomfort, or as they call them in old age homes a “What else is new.”
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games. He’s also batting near-.400 in the last week. Yup.
Tyler Clippard – Recorded his 10th win, i.e. except in Teixeira, that’s the same amount of wins as Dan Haren. God, wins are stupid.
Freddie Freeman – Hit his first major league homer yesterday. He’s not worth going near in redraft leagues, but I’m still excited about him for next year and in keepers.
Clayton Richard – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Sonavabench! He had a 4.85 road ERA going into yesterday’s game. He wasn’t supposed to pitch a complete game shutout. Dodgers can’t even suck at the right times.
Scott Baker – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Gets the Royals next, which seems like a good matchup on paper. Too bad they’re not playing Strat-O-Matic. Half of me wants to believe Baker wants to pitch well and beat the Royals so he secures his spot in the playoff rotation. The top half of me thinks the Twins will be snoozing through the next week of games.
Fausto Carmona – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has around a one and a half ERA in September and gets the Royals and White Sox to close out the year. Nice and not bad, respectively.
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 4 ER. Kazaam!
Adam Jones – 3-for-4, 2 Runs. Hasn’t been a huge breakout season like some of us were expecting (me!), but he is hitting near-.400 in the month of September.
Edinson Volquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. In September, his ERA has been below 2. Guess who has two thumbs and is going to be on every ‘perts sleeper list of starters next year. This guy!
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Somebody knew it was H2H playoff time.
Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Should get the Cards and Astros in his final two starts. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I’d put Big Z in my bonnet.
Jake Westbrook – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates. Madonna mia, the Cards are tanking. Westbrook gets the Cubs and Rockies in his last two starts. I wouldn’t trust him in most leagues unless you need to gamble on not being whammied.
Felipe Lopez – The Cards dropped him after he arrived late for Monday’s game. As opposed to fellow MI Brendan Ryan who hustled to the ballpark 4 hours before the game for extra batting practice and to make Albert his plantain-flavored protein shake.
Josh Hamilton – Hamilton says he hopes to return next week (yeah, sure) even after the Rangers found two fractured ribs yesterday. Okay, a few things come to mind. Don’t you think right after Hamilton says he feels sore they’d send him for tests and find something like fractured ribs? It’s not like this is the 1890′s and they’re using a cauterizing iron. Is his doctor, Dr. Nick Riviera? Or are there some arcane MLBPA rules that restricts doctors to 5 pokes a day? And they didn’t find the fractured ribs until the 15th day of poking?
Okay, I’m officially in love. ‘Grey hearts Jeremy Hellickson‘ is going all over the Trapper Keeper. I’m going to put a paper bag on my Science book and decorate it with Hellickson pictures I find off the internet. Then if someone says something, I’m going to punch them in their big, fat mouth. Then while in detention, I’m going to write a song for Jeremy Hellickson and I’m going to get my friends band, The Quadratics, to perform the song at the Sadie Hawkins Dance. That’s what I’m going to do. His line yesterday 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in only 86 pitches. His line last time nearly as good. His line tomorrow? The moon! Though he’s not pitching tomorrow, but, if he were, he’d have the moon. I’d grab Hellickson in all leagues. He has a nice K-rate and solid control. A terrific combo. Could he go out next time and roofie you? There’s always that chance, but his next start is the Rangers at home and they’re not exactly road scholars. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dan Johnson – 0-for-1, 4 BBs. He has 3 hits and 11 walks since his call up last week. He has a .176 average and a .483 OBP. He’s the one true outcome hitter.
Andre Ethier – 4-for-4, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs, 2 Turtle doves and one first round pick that didn’t start in a 15 run onslaught only to come in and go 1-for-1 with 2 RBIs while he was on my bench. Thanks, Matt Kemp. I hope Jay Gibbons is screwing Rihanna.
Rafael Furcal – Headed to the DL after not playing in over a week. Don’t these people know us fantasy managers need to DL him? How inconsiderate.
Mike Lowell – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer since he returned and he looks like he’s 45 years old, but, hey, that’s worked for Big Papi.
Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in five games. Also, hitting .333 over the last week. To save you the suspense, I’m going to like Snider again next year (and Lind). BTW, you ever just want to call them Travis Lind? Adam Snider? Maybe it’s me.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 with his major league leading 35th homer. Was nice of Aaron Hill to give Bautista his magical 2009 bat. Be interesting to see where it’s deeded next. I vote for John McDonald.
Marc Rzepczynski – Blue Jays announced he would be recalled to start Friday. At least they’re giving the equipment manager time to put his last name on a jersey.
Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he took the Cards on in a steel cage match. He must’ve thought he was Johnny Lawrence.
Geovany Soto – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Soto heads to the DL with a shoulder sprain. Cubs are playing down the seriousness of the injury, saying he should(er) be back by late-August. And he might. But for a guy who has had shoulder problems in the past, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a setback or him just not returning at full strength.
Alfredo Simon – Showalter made the long overdue announcement that Simon will share save opportunities with Mike Gonzalez. Now we wait for the even longer overdue announcement that Gonzalez will just get all the save chances.
Felix Pie – A 3-run HR in the O’s route of the Indians. All of a sudden Felix is making things look as easy as Pee-ay – he’s hitting near .400 in August with 2 HRs and 2 SBs. That’s a good 2 months for Markakis.
Luke Scott – 2-for-5 with… Oh, c’mon, if I’m writing about him, you know what he did for the 4th time in the last ten games.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Could actually see myself owning Wieters next year, assuming he doesn’t get crazy hot in the last month and a half to alert everyone he’s not complete toast. I apologize to Wieters’ owners for wishing him ill, though I’m probably just reverse jinxing myself anyway, so actually you’re welcome.
Jason Heyward – Day-to-day with a sore knee. His knee obviously doesn’t own him in fantasy.
Chipper Jones – Likely headed to the DL as Glass Chipper goes for an MRI on his sprained knee. His knee probably does own him.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Nats would’ve been better with Miss Iowa pitching.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Outdueling Ubaldo is a nice feather in his cap, but I don’t think he’s macaroni.
David Murphy – 2-for-3 with his 3rd homer in the last 6 games as he also ordered the slam & legs. I don’t wanna beat Secretariat, but Murphy’s hot.
Vladimir Guerrero – 0-for-5 and is the opposite of hot.
Ian Kinsler – Probably won’t return until September. On the bright side, when you took him in the 2nd round, you could’ve took Sizemore.
Scott Baker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. It’s bad when that’s a solid game for Baker.
Justin Morneau – Could someone check on him? Thanks!
Jeff Kartsens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Has pretty average stuff and a terrible K-rate. In another life, he could’ve been a hodgepadre.
Jose Tabata – 2-for-4 with his 12th steal in his 52nd game. He’s also hitting near .400 in August.
Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 with his first homer in almost two months. Nice to see him reclaim his body from Zombie Glaus.
Chris Johnson – 3-for-4 and has the best average since the All-Star break. Cust kayin’.
Matt Lindstrom – Blew the save and has now given up 7 runs in his last three appearances. Meanwhile back at the Razzball ranch, I’m sporting Brandon Lyon on three different teams.
Sam Demel – Recorded the save because Heilman has pitched a lot recently. Or maybe Gibson realized Heilman’s terrible. No, I think it’s the first reason. I wouldn’t go out and add Demel unless I were really desperate. Heilman’s still the closer.
Alex Gordon – 0-for-3 and didn’t do much to report, but here’s a solid rant on the Royals from frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, “Yuniesky Betancourt had a baby this weekend and missed the Seattle series. Gregor Blanco is currently missing time because his wife is expecting any minute. Hochevar and Gordon are both expecting. Billy Butler…well, his wife just always looks pregnant. All these babies make complete sense. The Royals are all screwing their wives in October and November because they sure as hell aren’t anywhere near a baseball diamond.”
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks and has a 2.81 ERA on the year with 17 decisions. Unfortunately, he pitches for the M’s and 9 of those decisions are losses. He has 12 straight quality starts, dating back to June 13th, and only five wins in that time. He only has three non-quality starts all year. He just better not blame Figgy or he will kick his ass.
Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-3 with 2 homers. If you need pop, I wouldn’t be afraid of the new Petco slugger.
Domonic Brown – It took 35 ABs but he got his first career HR. J-Roll planned on hitting him in the face with a whipped cream pie but couldn’t reach.
Ross Gload – Charlie Manuel is following the Jim Leyland school of lineups and hitting the fill-in 1B in the 3-spot because that’s about where Ryan Howard hits. Gload made Charlie Manuel look smart today with 2 HR and 4 RBI. Asked about it after the game, Charlie Manuel said, “If you’re charged with making scrapple, you’ve got to throw your scraps in a pan with potatoes and hope for the best.”
Tim Lincecum – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.41 ERA on the year. Maybe he’d pitch better if he’d stop worrying so much about selling Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.
Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-5 with 2 homers. Had his 2nd two homer game in two days. Say that fast 117 times! LMFAO should be playing when Alvarez goes into the batter’s box, “Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!” (I wish I wrote that song.) Alvarez is 23 years old. For those who can’t read between the lines, he’s going to get better!!! (Second and third exclamation marks were for emphasis, not because my keyboard’s keys are sticking.) Who knew the only thing the Pirates offense needed was to lose their best hitter? Maybe the Mariners should lock Ichiro in a closet for a few games. This is Ichiro going into the closet, “Hey, Beltran, what are you doing here?” I keed. So what can we expect of Alvarez the rest of the season. Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Or 12 homers and a terrible average. He’s still K’ing too much. I’d absolutely pick him up in every league just for the chance he keeps hitting bombs. I would not drop anyone that I might regret. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two days. Casey McGehee’s Dad is historically a streaky hitter and a 2nd half hitter. Also, the Phillies, Rangers and Yankees are talking about acquiring Wiggy. Not all of those teams would be a boost to his value, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say Wigginton will be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.
Juan Rivera – Over his last 7 games, he’s hitting .450 with a homer and a steal. I avoided him like the plague in the preseason, but I have nothing against picking up a random hot outfielder for a two to three week fling. I’m a fantasy baseball whore like that.
Hideki Matsui – Hit his 2nd homer in the last two games at The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium Ruth Built. Must’ve been nice to be home again. The city where he made his major league debut. The city where he won the World Series MVP. The city where he masturbated to his legendary collection of porn.
Delmon Young – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs in the three hole while Mauer rested his long, supple gams. I like Delmon at the top of the lineup. He’s hitting and he can throw the bat at an ump harder than anyone else.
Geovany Soto – 1-for-2 with his 13th homer. Good thing you dropped him!
Ted Lilly – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Trade talks are starting to heat up on Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (<–actual name!). He’s a three and a half ERA, low WHIP guy wherever he goes, so I wouldn’t be too worried. (BTW, don’t you think the word ‘three’ should have three E’s? Maybe it’s just me.)
Jack Cust – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week. He could hit 15 homers in the next two-plus months. Or he could strikeout 100 times. Or he could do both. I’d grab him if you’re hurting for power.
Andrew Bailey – For what it’s Wuertz, Wuertz (stutterer!) got the save as Bailey had a routine day off.
Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Returned to the DL and then Dice-K pulled a ‘Vice-Versa’ and body switched with him. I’m sure this was partially due to rust, but Buchholz also was supposed to regress a bit, so there’s that.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs. Beltre loves contract years like a fat kid loves cake.
Bronson Arroyo – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. After starting Arroyo in leagues, I’m walking like I was just jumping hurdles.
Adam Dunn – 0-for-4. I hope I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion that Dunn’s average is about to bungee and the cord is going to snap.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Member when he was first called up in 2008 and we nicknamed him Jobacum because he was one part Joba (this was when Chamberlain was good) and one part Lincecum. Yeah, good times. Anyhoo, Scherzer’s now looking more like Ubaldcumo.
Randy Wolf – 5 2/3 IP, 12 ER, 15 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Brewers should buy him a Corvette for making him stay in this game.
George Kottaras – 2-for-4, and he hit his 8th homer which is twice as many as Mauer.
Carlos Gonzalez – Played for part of the game until he had to leave after reaggravating his bruised finger. Aggravating, indeed.
Yorvit Torrealba – This is a message for the Padres’ front office. Everyone else can skip to the next blurb. Padres, it’s nice that you’re winning. Your pitching is good. There’s no doubt about that. When you are batting Yorvit Torrealba 2nd in your lineup, you need to make a trade for hitting. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you have all the pieces you need. Jerry Hairston Jr. is not a leadoff man. Headley, Denorfia, Venable, Skinny Gwynn, EverCab… They’re all terrible hitters. Gaby Sanchez is better than all of them and Gaby Sanchez isn’t really that good. Okay, now go get some bats.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. His ERA in Coors is 3.18 and more than 2 runs better than when he’s in pitchers’ parks. Figure that shizz out.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Sonavabench! It’s kinda easier when a player just goes totally bad. These good starts mixed in with bad starts are much more frustrating. I just know his next start isn’t going to be good. I know it in my soul. I will start him anyway.
Chad Billingsley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. How can he pitch so poorly then so well? As Scully would say, “The truth is out there.” Wait, that’s the wrong Scully.
Marc Rzepczynski – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. I wouldn’t own him right now in any leagues. Even in my league that only uses players with the last name Rzepczynski.
Jose Bautista – The Blue Jays are taking my advice about selling high on Bautista as they take offers from some contending teams. Now it’ll be interesting to see how many actual teams will buy into Bautista when no fantasy ones will.
Carl Crawford – Day-to-day with testicular contusion, which is different than RuPaul’s testicular confusion.
Erik Bedard – Won’t pitch this year. Right now, the Erich Bedardens are showing the Bennis Carpensheeters a thing or two about staying unhealthy. Keep it real, Bedardens! Will be interesting to see if the M’s fill Bedard’s rotation spot with Chris Tillman– Oh, wait. At least the Mariners still have Adam Jones– Oh, that’s right. Yeah, trade’s still not looking so good.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks. He leads the AL in Ks and is 2nd in ERA. But he may not get to 10 wins. In other news, I need wins in all of my leagues. In other other news, kill me now while playing The Carpenters, “We’ve Only Just Begun” because I want to go out IRONICALLY!
