Jose Reyes went from the King of Queens (See, Reyes is Spanish for kings. Things are much more interesting when they need to be explained, aren’t they?) to the land of retired Jews as he signed with the Miami Marlins. Did Jeffrey Loria’s great auntie die and leave him with an extra hundred million? Team moves into a new stadium, changes its name and suddenly has money to burn. Looks like Marlin employers might actually get Christmas gifts this year…. That aren’t regifted. “Cool, um, the pie tin that hit Coghlan in the face. Never thought I’d get one of these.” Jose Reyes’s value doesn’t change much in Miami. All Reyes needs to do is stay healthy and he’ll be every bit as valuable as he should be. You know, 40+ steals, 100+ runs. The uze. For all of those people that are suddenly penciling him in for the best season of his career, I just want to point out one thing — Carl Crawford’s signing with the Red Sox and how well that worked out. And he stayed (relatively) healthy. Imagine if Reyes gets injured. Now, they’re not related; they don’t even look like cousins. No reason to think what happened to Crawford will happen to Reyes, but nothing is set in stone except in Perfect Case Scenario World where I’m not a blogger but shtupping Jessica Alba. What Reyes should do in Miami is 110/12/50/.295/45. I love it; I love Reyes; I own a “Reyes is My Baby’s Daddy” t-shirt. Just keep caveats in mind. (BTW, I didn’t use the word shtupping back there. I wrote this post while on a ouija board channeling Buddy Hackett and he wrote that word.) Anyway, here’s some other offseason moves that happened and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – Reyes just made it easier to be a Hanley apologist in 2012 drafts because he’s moving him over and Han-Ram’s getting 3rd base eligibility. Honestly, I’m kinda annoyed because I was excited to draft Hanley at a discount and now every Tom, Dick and Harry Schmohawk will have an excuse to still draft Hanley so he’s not going to be discounted at all.
Manny Ramirez – Reports are saying he’ll serve his suspension and play again in 2012. He’s probably embarrassed for being banned for estrogen and wants to get banned for something more heroic like drilling a hole in his bat and stuffing it with tampons. Long term, maybe Manny can apply for the hitting coach job with the Cardinals.
Turns out Leo Nunez isn’t exactly who he said he was. He’s been playing under an assumed name. His real name is Juan Carlos Oviedo, he’s a Latin 29 and he’s pen pals with Keyser Söze. He enjoys snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch. With the Marlins’ discovery of Leo the Lyin’, he was put on the restricted list. One time I was put on a restricted list at a nightclub because I had a few too many tequila shots, danced with someone’s girlfriend, who I shouldn’t have, and bam! restricted list. Now I can only hang outside the club and get handed flyers promoting other clubs that I don’t want to go to. Though I can sneak back in that club occasionally. Just need to feather my hair a little more bouncy. I wonder if the same holds true for Nunez. Show up in a pencil-thin mustache like Spike, Snoopy’s very un-PC Mexican brother, and pitch the ninth. Either way, I feel for you, Nunez. We are sympatico! While the Marlins and Nunez try to come to terms with who he is, Steve Cishek and Edward Mujica will get saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Casper Wells – Shut down for the year because of his sinuses. Same thing used to sideline Felix Unger.
CC Sabathia – Won’t pitch again in the regular season. The newest Biggest Loser started this week too. Hmm… Coincidence?
Stephen Strasburg – Will pitch the last regular season game. It’s not a home game and it would be on four days rest, so I’m not sure I understand it. Maybe the Nats just really like having Livan as their ace and don’t know how else to make that happen.
Brad Peacock – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m starting to get pretty excited about this young pitcher. His recent K-rate in the minors was a thing of beauty and walk rate wasn’t too shabby at all. Wouldn’t be surprised to see the Nats let him start the year in the minors, but should be up fairly quickly. Am I weird for getting excited about the 2012 baseball season already?
Kevin Gregg – Got the save yesterday because Johnson pitched the last three days. Vegas should take odds on whether or not Kevin Gregg will have a closer job next year. At the right odds, I say he will. I wouldn’t put anything past some teams. I mean, how much is Barry Zito owed? Any the hoo! Gregg’s not the closer right now, Johnson is.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs. He’s been pretty terrible recently, so I was about to write how he’s really taken a dive after the All-Star Break, but turns out that was confirmation bias. He hasn’t been good in September, but his post-All-Star Break numbers aren’t bad.
Phil Humber – 6 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Ozzie tweeted that Humber was leaving too much of his puta over the plate.
Jason Kipnis – Hit his 7th homer of the year yesterday and he’s hitting .333 over the last week. Kipnis is locked in, like kishka in derma.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 25th homer. Guess he wasn’t done for the year. *dodging tomatoes*
Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. He’s been excellent since August 30th. He was on yesterday’s borderline starter post, so, yeah, grab him for his last start of the year.
Jemile Weeks – 3-for-3 with a homer, and 5 for his last 7. As I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore the sample size.
Trevor Cahill – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. At 4.31 ERA, 1.40 WHIP and 11 wins on the year. He had a pretty unremarkable season as I thought he would so you would think I’d be happy. I am. Schadenfreude!
Blake Beavan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Yesterday, we were updating the website again. (I know, sigh. If anyone’s having a hard time seeing this post, tell me in the comments, but I imagine you won’t see it to tell me. Double sigh.) Anyway, I bring this up because I was tied up and wasn’t able to watch the Beavan/Swarzak, M’s vs. Twins match-up. Maybe I’ll catch it on ESPN Classic.
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. He was supposed to be out for the year, but as we know, supposing makes a supp out of sing… Wait, what?
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th steal. Some rookies know how to finish and not hurt their fingers. Brett Lawrie, “Doode, that hurts.”
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, hitting everything like it’s a pancake and he’s Mrs. Butterworth. Hey, it’s September, I’ve used a lot of my better metaphors. Revere will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, the last one of the year. That’s sad. I might need a hug. Or I might need to bail October Grey out of jail so he can grab the reins.
Matt Kemp – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer. Started strong, finishing strong. Can we say lurve?
Eric Thames – 2-for-6 with his 2nd homer in as many games. I’d say he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that would be a lie. I’m no liar. Maybe a fibber from time to time. Thames could be a Buy though, if you need power.
Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer. Now has 3 homers in the last 5 games. As if that wasn’t enough, he looks like the little kid from that Brooklyn Bridge show from a while back.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. Wow. Wait, what? Oh, wow. In Yankee Stadium. As in eleven eleven Ks? Wow. Sure, it was against the Yankees B lineup, but wow. Since you’re gonna ask, I think he’ll start the year in the minors and be a June call-up. Game changing in June of 2012? After what I saw yesterday, yeah, I believe he can be.
Manny Ramirez – Said he will serve his suspension and play next year. Manny has officially entered Charlie Sheen territory. Next stop, Diane Sawyer interview, cryptic messages over Twitter and Ashton Kutcher playing in the Rays outfield.
Asdrubal Cabrera strains his back, and, no “Asdrubal Strains Back” is not a sequel to a sci-fi porn movie. At this time of the year, any little thing can knock people for the remainder of the year. To help you picture what I’m saying, imagine this is April and we’re talking about Morneau. That’s how easily players can get knocked out. This injury comes on a day where Asdrubal hit his 24th homer. Even if Da ‘drubal doesn’t return, he gave you everything he had this year. Drubal took ’11 to 11. For next year, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a tad overrated. He never hit more than 10 homers in any professional. He’s been consistent with power this year from month to month, but his HR/FB% soared away above anywhere it had ever been before. He should still be able to get around 15 homers next year, but if you get a 15/15 season, you’re suddenly wondering if a sure-to-be-underrated Jimmy Rollins isn’t a safer way to go. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Billy Butler – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu. Someone dump a Gatorade cooler of chicken soup over Butler’s head.
Yunel Escobar – To the DL with an elbow injury. Bobby Cox just wishes he injured it on Kelly Johnson’s face.
Brett Cecil – 3 IP, 4 ER which was followed by Kyle Drabek’s 2 IP, 6 ER as unrealized potential met yet-to-be-unrealized potential.
Doug Fister – Will be pitching in relief of Scherzer on Wednesday rather than starting as the Tigers get ready for the playoffs. If Fister is the relief, I don’t even want to know what Scherzer translates to.
Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Freakin’ Braves with all the sexy young pitching, huh? Freakin’ Braves. I love them. Beachy, Minor, Delgado, Vizcaino, all of them. Now I know how Bill James feels when looking at Chris Davis. Shoot that poisoned arrow through my heart, Braves pitching staff minus Jurrjens, Lowe and anyone else I’m forgetting that I don’t like!
Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 15th homer, then left with a foot injury. Comes a bad time because he was putting the coals in the fire, which isn’t an expression but should be.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 with a steal. 5 for his last 10 with a homer while batting in the 8 hole. Maybe he just needed to be in the 8 hole to be comfortable, or maybe he’s just really too good to be batting in the 8 hole. Hmm, wonder which one it is.
Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t been able to bat right-handed because of a shoulder injury and might have offseason surgery to correct the issue. Or that’s a cover for Lap-Band.
Ben Zobrist – Returns to the lineup on Wednesday after taking time off for the birth of his daughter. No word on how many positions Mrs. Zobrist utilized for the birth, but – based on her profession – I’m guessing missionary on the conception.
Wade Davis – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Too bad he doesn’t play for the Jays, he could’ve relieved Drabek with his potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.
Manny Ramirez – It’s being reported he’s going to play in the Dominican Winter League. He’s hoping to meet up with Miguel Tejada down there to reminisce about the salad days of the 90s. Maybe even start up a band, Man-Ram and the B-12 with their lead single, “Just Give Me A Shot (Of Your Sweet Sweet Estrogen Therapy).”
Adam Dunn – 2-for-6 as he doubled his season hit total. No, wait, he doubled twice. Sorry, honest mistake.
Dylan Axelford – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. He was coming off a decent start vs. the Tigers but you shouldn’t have went anywhere near him for this start. Though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.
Bud Norris – Left his start with a sore shoulder. He’s done for the year. Or as they say in Spanish ‘ano completo.’
Kyle Blanks – Left the game with a right quad strain. Seventeen men helped him off the field.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 with a steal in the first game, and didn’t start the 2nd game. He should’ve though because he’s seeing the ball well. He’s hit in every game he’s started but three since August 1st. (Sure, he’s missed about 20 games in there, but whatevs.)
Alex Liddi – His 2nd game in a row with a homer. In broken English, he told reporters, “I drink your pizza! I drink it up!”
Tom Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Second start solid start for Milone. He looks to be in the Slowey mold back before Slowey got screws put in his wrist and then put the screws to his fantasy owners. Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy what could’ve been. I still wouldn’t trust Milone if he gets one more start, but he’s now on the radar for deeper leagues in Twenty-Twelve. Or as I’m gonna call it twelve past twenty.
Ross Detwiler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Phils are in serious coast mode.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4 with his 20th homer. You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t have the profiteroles to go with the cannoli to like Espinosa again next year. You, sir, don’t know my pastry prowess.
Erik Bedard – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned). Of course the Sawx want to get to the playoffs, but has anyone seen their last four starters? Wakefield, Weiland, Lackey, Bedard… So, they gonna pitch Lester and Beckett on one day rest throughout the playoffs?
Clay Buchholz – Threw a simulated game. Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1976 Cincinnati Reds are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup. Damn you, George Foster!
In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief. He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits. In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit. Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.” Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time. So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons. Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery. That’s a long time to eat Jell-O. Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. This year Parker’s rebounded nicely. His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot. I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.
Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear. Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes. I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job. I mean, a lot. Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do. Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down. At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already. Bring back steroids!
Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Stupid Lincoln! I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.
Neil Walker – 3-for-4. When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk. He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks. That’s less than a half homer per week. A half of a homer is a double. So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second? So useless. I hate you, Neil Walker.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season? Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.
Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer. It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.
Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils. I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note. His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton. Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.
Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game! Now where’s my straw for chewing?”
Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test. Guess he forgot he already took one.
Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres. He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.
Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week. My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.
John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER. My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks. I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.
Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals. He says he needs to get on base to steal bases. Props to his baserunning coach. Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis. Next lesson: After You Hit The Ball, Run To First. Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games. When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive. Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.” Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”
Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer. Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.
Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.
Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save. Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.
Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.
Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer. EA is in the game.
Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend. We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.
Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days. Snap, crackle, crap.
Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute. Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill. “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”
Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC. Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it. Hey, pot, what’s up? Kettle, here. You black? Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead. Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits? I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400. Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade. You read me? Yeah, you do. My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness. See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win. Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian. You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.
Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week. Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect. So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano? Will he melt under the hot lights? Or will he be solid enough to great? In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals. The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why. While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more. He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.
Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start. Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”
Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER. Now has 8 earned runs since he returned. Hey, he looks like his old self! If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.
Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.
Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.
Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too). I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t. He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5. Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.
Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot. “Tears make me rust!” That’s Morneau. He just had an MRI on his wrist. The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints. Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked? He needs to have his head checked. He probably needs a new operating system. On Morneau’s player card it says POS: 1B. The POS is right.
Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery. It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.
Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks. You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows. Pregunta: Should I pick up Maholm?” His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks. I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues. In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer. Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run. Now has a 23-game hitting streak. Or 23 more games than Morneau.
Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?
Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run. In the past week, he has 6 steals. He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues. Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.
Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers. As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”
Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K. Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet. Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games. Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.
Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments. In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.
