Fantasy Baseball Advice

We’ve looked at top 20 catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen, 3rd basemen and shortstops for 2008 and we’ve seen one recurring theme. Offense was waaay down in 2008 (That’s right, “way” with three A’s!). With the top 20 outfielders for 2008, the theme continues. You get a full-frontal shot of the outfielders’ offensive problems in 2008 when you look at Matt Kemp’s 2008 predictions and final stats. His preseason predictions were 95/20/75/.290/20 and he came in with 93/18/76/.290/35. His steals were a bit higher (another recurring theme), but I’m like Ms. mothereffin’ Cleo with these predictions. Seriously, bow down, non-mustachioed wo/man. Kemp gave you almost exactly what I predicted he would and I ranked him 36th, but he came in 10th. That doesn’t mean I’m a savant with predictions and an idiot with rankings. No, it means offense was waaaay down (Four A’s!). I was pretty close with my predictions for Manny too and he moved from 21st to 2nd.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 Outfielders for 2008 in fantasy baseball and how they compared to where we originally ranked them:

1. Matt Holliday - 25 home runs in Coors? Zoinks! What happens if he’s traded? Does he hit 15 home runs and steal 35? Victorino called, he wants his stats back. Preseason Rank #1, Preseason Predictions:  110/40/125/.310/7, Final Numbers:  107/25/88/.321/28

2. Manny Ramirez - It’s just like Manny to leave a hitter’s park for a pitcher’s park and see his value skyrocket. The touring company of Rainman should consider casting Manny, he’s a natural. Imagine trying to read him for cheating at the blackjack table. It would be impossible. Actually, the one caveat is Manny couldn’t be in on it. If he knew he were cheating, he giggle uncontrollably. Preseason Rank #21, Preseason Predictions:  85/32/105/.315, Final Numbers: 102/37/121/.332

3. Lance Berkman - Already went over Berkman in the top 20 1st basemen for 2008. Preseason Rank #12, Preseason Predictions:  100/30/115/.310/5, Final Numbers:  114/29/106/.312/18

4. Grady Sizemore - The Zagat Guide to Cleveland said, “The twelfth chapter of “The Akron Ladies Spread for Grady’s Baby,” were “happy” with his “numbers.” Calling him a “speed/power combo to make a jackhammer envious” and they’d like to sandwich him like the Rs on the word rawr.” Preseason Rank #2, Preseason Predictions:  120/35/85/.290/30, Final Numbers: 101/33/90/.268/38

5. Carlos Beltran - Beltran was underrated on the Royals, then overrated on the Mets and now he seems to have found his way back to underrated. The only thing that remains the same, he can play a gay teenager with aplomb. Preseason Rank #9, Preseason Predictions:  100/27/110/.270/18, Final Numbers:   116/27/112/.284/25

6. Josh Hamilton - Fantasy baseball shot itself up on Hamilton for the fist half of the year, then, as with any good buzz, there were fewer thrills later on and mostly you were left trying to reclaim some of the past highs. Preseason Rank #38, Preseason Predictions:  70/27/80/.300/5, Final Numbers:  98/32/130/.304/9

7. Ichiro Suzuki - Here’s a monkey serving beer in Japan. With more and more monkeys waiting tables to make ends meet, it makes me wonder… Will more and more monkeys also try to make it as actors? Or will actors start being monkeys? Either way, go watch that monkey again. It’s wonderful! (You gotta love how he sneaks off to eat edamame. Monkeys love edamame — case closed.) Oh, bee-tee-dubya, Ichiro got some hits and some steals. Who saw that coming? Preseason Rank #11, Preseason Predictions:  110/10/65/.330/45, Final Numbers:  103/6/42/.310/43

8. Ryan Ludwick -  Ludwick is the first completely out of nowhere outfielder. Last year, he hit more home runs in the major leagues than he hit at any stop in the minors, which is saying a lot considering he’s 30 years old and, like Gary Glitter, he’s been banging around the minors since 1999. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  104/37/113/.299/4

9. Ryan Braun - Already went over Braun in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2008. (Note: Braun was only ranked for 3rd basemen. In all fairness, I would’ve ranked him above Ryan Ludwick.), Preseason Predictions:  100/27/105/.280/12, Final Numbers:  92/37/106/.285/14

10. Matt Kemp - Kemp’s 2008 was like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. It may have only been one movie, but you just knew more was on the way. Hopefully, in a few years, Kemp doesn’t hit a home run then begin to laugh like a madman while wearing five inch heals on his cleats. Preseason Rank #36, Preseason Predictions:  95/20/75/.290/20, Final Numbers:  93/18/76/.290/35

11. Bobby Abreu - I’m convinced there’s no better way to go under radar in fantasy baseball than to have a 20/20 season as an outfielder. The Witness Protection Agency should reassign people into the major leagues and give them ten years of 20/20 seasons. Preseason Rank #13, Preseason Predictions:  120/15/110/.310/20, Final Numbers:  100/20/100/.296/22

12. Nate McLouth - We didn’t rank him, but Rudy did say on Opening Day, “(McLouth has) SB and Run potential. Enough pop for 15 HR. Enough speed for 30 SB. AVG won’t be great.” And that’s me quoting Rudy! Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  113/26/94/.276/23

13. Johnny Damon - Is it me or are Yankees suddenly being underrated and forgotten? Some sort of anti-Big Business/anti-ESPN thing going on here. Damon’s numbers were eerily similar to Alexis Rios and think about how many teams Rios clogged up. Seriously, think about it. I don’t see you thinking. There ya go. Preseason Rank #33, Preseason Predictions:  105/15/70/.280/15, Final Numbers:  95/17/71/.303/29

14. Shane Victorino - Hamilton-Burrishly, Victorino and Rios dueled during the regular season to see who would hit more home runs, so it’s fitting that they should come in 14th and 15th respectively. However, The Flying Hawaiian provided a lot more value than Rios considering their ADP. (BTW, how about “Hamilton-Burrishly?” All the kids are gonna be saying that. As soon as they figure out what it means.) Preseason Rank #35, Preseason Predictions:  115/15/60/.280/40, Final Numbers:  102/14/58/.293/36

15. Alexis Rios - At 15th overall for outfielders, Rios wasn’t as bad as, say, Carl Crawford, but still the power never came. Rios’s power numbers look like Jason Kendall having a Brady Anderson-type ‘roids season. (Minus the sideburns, of course. Speaking of sideburns, am I the only one not watching the new Beverly Hills, 90210? Actually, I should rephrase that, am I the only one not watching Beverly Hills, 90210 who thought they would definitely watch? I just have no desire at all. Now this is either because I’ve outgrown that demographic, which seems unlikely, since I Tivo three hour chunks of MTV and will watch a RR/RW Challenge rerun three times without getting tired of it. Or, and this seems more likely, the show is just lame. The new Brenda reminds me of a girl I would date and breakup with, and I never breakup with anyone. I leave a relationship kicking and screaming. The black kid is no longer running drugs for Marlo — where’s Snoop? The mom is hot. Mrs. Walsh wasn’t hot. WTF? Finally, their stories of kids doing drugs are trying so hard to be salacious. The original 90210 worked because the stories were cheesy with a goofy Steve Sanders runner. Where’s my goofy Steve Sanders runner?!) Preseason Rank #6, Preseason Predictions:  120/32/110/.300/25, Final Numbers:  91/15/79/.291/32

16. Jacoby Ellsbury - In the beginning of the season, if I would’ve told you a Red Sox player would have 50 steals and not get to 100 runs, would you have believed me? What is going on with offense around the Major Leagues? When I’m putting together the ‘09 predictions, I’m going to have to put on the sweater that not only makes me look smart, but makes me think smart too. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  98/9/47/.280/50

17. Jason Bay - I pushed Rios like those dudes on Las Vegas Boulevard handing out stripper flyers, while I warned you against touching Bay like the bouncers at those same strip clubs. Okay, so I made a few missteps in the predictions. Preseason Rank #34, Preseason Predictions:  crap/crap/and more crap, Final Numbers:  111/31/101/.286/10 or better than crap, as it were.

18. Carlos Quentin - I told you to watch him in February when he first reported to camp. Not sure why I didn’t rank him or make predictions for him. Maybe it was that one week frozen custard bender where I blacked out and woke up in the lap of some large woman wearing a skirted bathing suit. If it wasn’t for Quentin misplacing blame on his equipment, he prolly would’ve ranked higher and might’ve won the MVP. Nothing good will ever come of that temper of yours, Mr. Quentin. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  96/36/100/.288/7

19. Nick Markakis - The Greek God of Roto didn’t take the power to the next level like I hoped and stopped running completely in the 2nd half. He’s only 24 and you haven’t heard me say “I am Sparkakis” for the last time yet. Preseason Rank #8, Preseason Predictions:  100/27/115/.300/20, Final Numbers:  106/20/87/.306/10

20. Jermaine Dye - His lack of speed lands him at the 20th spot, but I’d prefer him to some of his schmohawk contemporaries… *cough* Rios *cough* Preseason Rank #31, Preseason Predictions:  90/25/105/.280, Final Numbers:  96/34/96/.292/3

There’s so much to love about Fred Lewis. Let’s see… Power — check! Speed — check! A name that sounds like an 80s sitcom character — check! I’ll take Fred Lewis in the center square for the win. Alas, Fred Lewis is about to undergo season-ending surgery on a foot bunion. (The operating podiatrist hopes his patented Toe, Hairy and Curly procedure will one day be as recognized as Tommy John surgery.) I still like Lewis for next year, but this is this year, fool! So now it’s up to German Pantyhose to cover for Lewis’s bunions. Schierholtz had a sexy minor league OBP and power. NL-Only leagues and deep mixed leagues should be looking at Schierholtz, especially keeper leagues. There’s no reason why he can’t excel and there’s even less reason why the Giants don’t play him next year. Unless, of course, they sign Aurilla and Vizquel to four-year deals. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tom Gorzelanny - Left the game with an irritation in his middle finger. Pirates fans will happily give him their middle finger.

Scott Lewis - The Lewis without bunions threw 8 innings of shutout ball. He pitched well in the minors this year and I would take a flier in deep leagues. He gets the Twins next time out.

Eugenio Velez - 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, including the 2nd day in a row that he knocked in the game-winning runs. He’s a 2nd baseman with speed that might now get a majority of the starts over Ochoa.

Brian Wilson - 2nd blown save in a row (that I predicted in the comments yesterday and the day before). He’s not going anywhere as the closer unless he’s hiding an injury, which I doubt.

Joel Hanrahan - Kazaam!

Brandon Lyon - In a sign of solidarity with his fellow Diamondbacks pitchers, he blew his own win. He did manage to lower his post All-Star break ERA to 10.91.

Taylor Teagarden - HR yesterday for his 4th in 24 at-bats. Right now, the Rangers seem like the Rockies of the late 90s. They could plug in Luis Castillo and get 30/100. Yet still suck. Nelson Cruz, Chris Davis, Teagarden, they all homered yesterday and they all could homer tomorrow (or K three times). Recognize!

Kelly Shoppach - 2 HRs yesterday. I have Shoppach, Dioner and Doumit on three separate teams. One was an All-Star, one was hyped up and one backed up V-Mart. Guess which one is doing the best. Fantasy Baseball, this shizz is predictably unpredictable. Ya gotta love it.

Manny Ramirez - Nearly .400 while chipping in 14 HRs and 40 RBIs in 129 at-bats since joining the Dodgers. Good thing the Sawx got that albatross off from around their necks.

Ted Lilly - 8 IP, 1 ER. Wholly inconsistent and I wouldn’t want my fantasy baseball championship decided by this schmohawk, but you do what you do. He gets the Brewers next.

Kevin Slowey - 7 IP, 1 ER. Here’s a schmohawk I can get behind. He gets the Indians next.

James Parr - 6 IP, 0 ER and no relation to Jamie Farr. So far he’s thrown 12 innings of shutout ball. Maybe he’s just got hitters baffled because they haven’t seen him before. Deep leagues should be looking at him just in case he can keep it going. I have my doubts though.

Troy Percival - Left the game with back spasms. The Rays should just have Wheeler play 2nd when Percival pitches to save everyone time by doing a double switch. By his own admission, Percival will be out for a few days. I don’t think he said it in third person like Suede from Project Runway.

Felix Pie - Will see time down the stretch. Weird, cause I really thought Edmonds and Fukudome were doing a spot-on job.

Adam LaRoche - HR yesterday. He’s not only due, but he’s hot. Hot and due (yes, that does sound like a weird preggers porn) is a great combo to have in mid-September.

Kelly Johnson - 2 HRs yesterday. Against righties, he should be started on all teams. When he gets hot, he can put up very nice stats in a short period of time. He’s already hitting .486 in September. Get on that Johnson! (Um, huh?)

Cristian Guzman - 2 HRs yesterday. In other news, smoking is a healthy alternative to “just breathing.”

Joel Hanrahan had 2 saves yesterday in the Nationals’ sweep of Colorado 6-3, 6-3 as they decided to emulate a successful tennis player instead of a successful golfer for a change (hitting below par). Hanrahan set a new Nationals record for most saves in a doubleheader, series, week, and month. On a related topic, Chad ‘Rip-Cord’ Cordero spent the day ironing his hat brim. One of the stars of the game was Emilio Bonifacio, who went 4-for-10 in the doubleheader. I mentioned him yesterday for fantasy baseball hittters to pickup, but I feel like he might need to get flogged a little into your collective minds, because I’m not feeling the love. He is the lightning fast, leadoff man/second baseman for the Nats. This schmohawk could steal as many bases in the last two months as Roberts did in the 1st half. What, you say you don’t like players whose last name you can’t pronounce? SAGNOF! SAGNOF! Saves/Steals Ain’t Got No Face! Felipe Lopez was dropped by the Nats to show their commitment to Bonifacio. Now show yours. The other star of the twin bill was Lastings Milledge, who went 5-for-9 with 2 HRs. Now has four HRs in August. He could continue his hot hitting. Luckily the Nats bring in less than 1,000 fans per game or that would be a lot of high fives. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Schoeneweis - With Wagner out, the question was who would step in his shoes. Schoeneweis entered the ninth and promptly blew the save. Looks like the Mets found a Wagner replacement. Now to find a closer.

Aaron Heilman - 2/3 of an inning and the gift win. Don’t worry, he’ll balance it out with a loss when he’s inserted into the closer role.

Jody Gerut - Another HR yesterday. Okay, this the last time I’m mentioning him.

Chase Headley - 2 HRs in last two games. In the one league where I had Headley, I got bored of him and the Padres’ offense so I picked up Andy LaRoche. What invariably happens when you drop someone? They get hot.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 5 IP, 6 ER. I told you last week, “Last year, (Ubaldo) had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.” And that’s me quoting me!

Justin Duchscherer - 5 IP, 4 ER. Member that correction I warned you about? The one where I said Duchscherer is going to fall back to earth? Yup and uh-huh.

Scott Feldman - 7 IP, 2 ER. Mazel Tov. You’re a man now!

Clayton Kershaw - 7 IP, 7 Ks, 1 ER. Evidently, Alyssa Milano’s advice to breath through his eyeballs helped. That and the blow job.

Jeff Francis - 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER also known as the ‘Colorado Rockies Quality Start.’ Throw Francis in the Snell Bag of starters who were useful last year, but currently are not.

Chris Volstad - 6 IP, 0 ER. While his name makes him sound like a cocky little douche like Josh Beckett, he’s actually a sinker ball pitcher. Go figure.

AJ Burnett - Despite a 4.50 ERA and pitching for the Jays, Burnett pitched a so-so game to net his 14th win. That’s worth 9 wins in America. Ask Johan.

Dan Uggla - 0-for-4. .179 since July 1st. It’s a long, bumpy road back to a .250 career average.

Brian Giles - Might be traded to the Red Sox. Could be interesting to see him hit some walks off The Green Monster.

Jim Leyland - Suggested newly appointed closer, Joel Zumaya, go to an instructional league this winter to learn to be a closer. If that makes no sense to you, welcome to my brain. Hopefully the instructional league is somewhere without forest fires or Guitar Hero. Leyland volunteered to visit him in hopes that the Caribbean Duty-Free stores have nice discounts on Marlboro Reds.

Manny Ramirez - HR yesterday. The league is investigating the circumstances surrounding the Red Sox-Dodgers trade of Manny Ramirez. When asked about his departure from the Red Sox, Manny responded “By plane.”

Finally, Francisco Liriano looked like the fantasy baseball player that we all wanted when we drafted him back in March. And by “we,” I mean you. How did I know you drafted Liriano? Because, when you drafted, I was in your room, sitting behind the John Cena life-sized cardboard cutout, eating your Raspberry Newtons, while I read your Choose Your Own Adventure book. You think that’s freaky? I’m still there. Only you can’t see me. Muahahahaha…ha. So Liriano put together a great first start back after dominating Triple-A, yet there’s some savvy fantasy baseball owners out there that will see this for what it is, an opportunity to sell. Buh-buh-but, Grey, Liriano could dominate? Yeah, so can Campillo, Randy Johnson, Nolasco and Myers, but none of those guys have the name/trade-value Francisco Liriano has right now. Do I think Liriano will be good? Sure. But if you need a piece other than a starter who is riskier than people are perceiving him, then go for it. Don’t forget, I’m watching. Boo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner - 2 MRIs in 2 weeks is 2 many; 2 bad; K.I.T, BFF. On a scale of worthy replacements, Aaron Heilman and Duaner Sanchez fall right between Shemp and Curly Joe. The Mets called up Eddie Kunz, their Double-A closer. This, fellas, is anyone’s ballgame for at least a few weeks, if not the rest of the season.

John Maine - Maine hit the 15-day DL. This is a move that’s probably about a month overdue. He should be back in a couple of weeks.

Manny Ramirez - 4-for-5, HR, 3 RBIs. Imagine you’re a waiter for Applebee’s. You slack off for two years, deciding customers can get their own mozzarella sticks from the kitchen. Then Applebee’s starts saying you haven’t been doing your job, which is absolutely true, but you don’t want to hear it. You quit and take a job at the Olive Garden, knowing if you work for two months then you will get a huge bonus in the winter and be able to go anywhere — Chili’s, Cheesecake Factory, you name it. So do you bust your hump at the Olive Garden or do you continue to slack?

Stephen Drew - Yesterday, 3-for-5 with a HR, and over .350 in last 7 games. So far not a “step forward” season, but he’s worth the gamble the rest of the way to see if he can get hot.

Xavier Nady - 4-for-5, HR and 6 RBIs. Let’s go back to the 7th day of the season, shall we? “Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention (Nady) on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year.” You know what’s funny? (Not funny funny, just mildly interesting funny.) People are still asking me if they should pick up Nady. No love for the X-Man.

Fernando Rodney/Kyle Farnsworth/Joel Zumaya - Triumvirate, noun 1. a group of three closers that are making Todd Jones feel missed. 2. Sounds like it’s a Latin combination of triumphant and irate, but it’s not.

Mike Aviles - 4-for-4, HR. Check out his ESPN player photo. Talk about respect. For those who are interested in what he looks like, here’s Mike Aviles.

Mariano Rivera - Back spasms. Supposedly he’ll be okay. Jose Veras would’ve been who they turned to. Okay, save vultures, pick apart Veras’s bones.

Jose Guillen - Homered for the 2nd straight day and 3rd this week. Worth a pickup, just drop him when he realizes he’s stuck with the Royals until the end of the season.

Alfonso Soriano - The other day someone asked me for some names that could hit 15 HRs between now and end of season. In two months, this is a very difficult assignment (to hit 15 HRs, it’s not difficult to pick guys), the list looked like this (the order is their likelihood of getting to 15 HRs): Dunn, Soriano, Holliday, Burrell, Braun, Carlos Lee, Hamilton, Cust, Krispie and Vlad.

Andy LaRoche - HR yesterday. In leagues where you need to take some risks, I’d look at LaRoche. Then try and find anyone else, then look at LaRoche again, then take a steam, get a massage (you look stressed), get a bite to eat, play nine holes, then look over your 3rd base choices again and, if your choices are still limited, grab LaRoche.

Rafael Soriano - He’s done for the year. Back date this to April.

Chone Figgins - Another 4 hit game. Oh Figgy give him one more chance.

Joel Hanrahan - Picked up his first save since Rauch was traded. As I said when the trade went down, Rauch only had 17 saves in over half of a year, Hanrahan’s not netting 20 in two months. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jorge Campillo - 7 IP, 6 Ks, 0 ER. He replaced Harang on most of my deeper teams. Now I don’t care if I ever see Harang again. Okay, that’s mean. I wanna see Harang again, just not on any of my teams.

Shane Victorino - 10th HR as he threatens to run away with the HR crown in the Victorino vs. Rios battle.

Ryan Ludwick - I’m convinced LaRussa could make Austin Kearns an All-Star (while batting him ninth and the pitcher fourth).

Brett Myers - Only one walk in his last two starts. Definitely worth taking a look in deeper leagues. Maybe he’s taking a similar route to Wainwright last year when it took him half a year to shake being a closer the previous year. Or maybe Myers’s trip to the minors smacked some sense into him. Though it’s usually Myers smacking the minors.

I listened to Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” while considering the relevance of the Manny trade, then I thought, “Why on earth am I listening to Lisa Loeb?” Rather than viewing this trade like it’s the end of an era, Red Sox fans seem to be viewing this trade like it’s the end of an error. Sure, Manny was a handful, but he gave you a lot more than 500+ career home runs and career average over .310. He gave you something sorely missing in today’s game — flavor. The irony is the Sox got back a player who makes white bread seem like a bold choice for a sandwich. Am I the only one who sees the Red Sox and thinks, “Ellsbury, JD Drew, Bay, Youuuuuuk, Lowell, Beckett, Varitek… Did Jerry Remy suddenly become the only one besides Big Papi with any character?” It’s bad enough everywhere you turn it’s Subway, McDonald’s, Starbucks, Supercuts, Kinko’s, rinse and repeat. Now all our sports stars must be deviod of personality, too. What were you thinking as the seconds ticked down and it was official that you were the champions? First, I want to thank God. Without him, none of this is possible. Next, I wanna point out what a great job Coach did. He took us from last to first in three years. Next, I gotta point out what a great job all of my teammates did. They made me better. Finally, it’s thanks to these fans! You’re the best in the world! If that’s not bucking fullshit, I’ve never heard it. So when the Sox fans say good riddance to Manny, I say they’re all brainwashed by corporate America (and I lower cased corporate on purpose. As it should be.).

Since this is a fantasy baseball blog, first and foremost, I’ll go over the value changes for the Manny trade. Manny might get a slight hit on his value because he’ll no longer have The Green Mawnster to knock balls off of, but Manny’s a hitting savant and I expect him to make the proper adjustments. Also, this trade could be the kind of motivation Manny hasn’t had in almost four years. This does hurt a few other peripheral pieces in SoCal. Let’s do a basic math problem. If the Dodgers play 6 games a week and they have three outfielders, that means they have 18 possible outfield games. Now those 18 games need to be split between 5 outfielders (Ethier, Jones, Kemp, Pierre and Ramirez). So Manny and Kemp get 5 each, which means 10 outfield games. Now you have 8 outfield games to split up. I say Pierre and Jones get between 3 and 4, which relegates Ethier to 1 to 2 games per week. Drop Ethier. His (minimal) value has been zapped.

For Bay, let’s recollect what we saw last year while he battled through the worst slump of his career. Ground ball to short, ground ball to 2nd, ground ball to short and Bay falls into a mental slump where he’s fooled so bad he swings at some pitches while the ball is still in the pitcher’s hand. Bay will have a better lineup around him, he’ll have the The Green Monster to hit doubles off of and he’ll have the 2nd biggest media town breathing down his neck compared to Pittsburgh, which sports a town that forgot they had the Pirates for parts of ‘07 into ‘08. I hope Bay fails, but I’d say there’s only a 50/50 slot of it legitimately happening.

Now the two schmohawks that emerge from this trade with their value slightly knocked up (Hey, “slightly knocked up” sounds like that girl I went to high school with whose name I can’t remember) are Brandon Moss and Andy LaRoche. First, Laroche gets reunited with a guy who has the same parents. (BTW, Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two brothers with a capped letter in the middle of their last name will play together. Actually, Elias Sports Bureau didn’t say that, but it sounds like some nonsense they would say. Some things they have said recently around Elias Sports Bureau’s headquarters, “There’s no M & M’s in the snack machine for the first time since 1999,” “Leandro mowed our lawn on Tuesday for the first time since March,” and “Jimmy, in Accounting, has the worst halitosis of any Elias Sports Bureau employee ever.” But I digress.) So LaRoche only has to beat out Jose Bautista for playing time. Well, color me not worried. LaRoche hasn’t shown many signs in the majors, but he’s a top-level prospect that you should pick up in deep leagues.

Brandon Moss, the new Pirates outfielder, strikes me as the guy in a trade that no one cares about then ends up having lots of value. Or this could be complete hyperbole. Moss flashed some speed and power in the minors and never at the expense of his average. Now he’s not going to be an in-his-prime Bobby Abreu, but he profiles similarly to Andre Ethier. I know, yawn. But unlike Ethier, Moss may get his at-bats and in NL-only play that can help. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to post Manny being Manny, make sure to watch until the 1:30 mark when Manny reenacts the play. If you don’t get a kick out of it, you’re dead on the inside.

The Rays - I knew they were stingy with their prospects, but I thought they would at least upgrade their bullpen. Nope.

Fausto Carmona - Bounced back from that razztastic start last time out against the Twins to throw 6 and 1/3 innings and to only give up 2 earned. Liked him a lot coming back from the DL and I think he can give you some quality starts moving forward.

Juan Rivera - HR yesterday. I’m pretty sure I’ve already said I’m never talking about him again. So this is your last heads up.

Jim Edmonds - 2 HRs. I almost yawned between writing the 2 and the HRs.

Rich Harden - 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. He’s given up three runs as a Cub and has K’d 39 in four starts. Well, la-di-da. This was still only his first win for the Cubs. So there.

Dave Bush - 7.1 IP, 6 ER. That whole ‘only starting Bush at home’ thing has worked out remarkably well. Almost as well as the whole ’starting Craig Counsell over Russell Branyan’ thing, but not nearly as well as batting Braun fifth. Not sure why Yost wants to get fired, but he’s obviously managing like he does.

Frank Thomas - Was activated from the DL. If you need home runs, I’d take a flier, but don’t drop anyone too valuable because The Big Hurt is aptly named.

Jim Thome - HR yesterday. As I said yesterday when Griffey was traded, Thome’s going to get his at-bats.

Shane Victorino - I was talking to Rudy about how some people bench Victorino or use him as a throw-in in trades and Rudy said an interesting thing to me, “Is Victorino really that different than Carl Crawford?” Things to make you say, “Hmm…”

Chone Figgins - Went 4-for-5 yesterday and almost .400 in the last seven games. As I told someone yesterday, Figgins can get hot and steal a ton of bases in a month or two. Steals is one category you can make up ground real fast. Saves is another.

Ryan Zimmerman - Left yesterday’s game with a hand injury. This could be a great thing for his owners, you might no longer have to delude yourself into thinking he’s valuable.

Khalil Greene - Reports claim Greene decided to place himself on the Disgraceful List when he punched a storage chest and fractured his hand. However, witnesses say the storage chest was starting Greene at SS all season and by all accounts the storage chest actually threw itself at Greene’s hand. Either way, Greene should be dropped in all leagues, even ten team leagues that only use Padres players. (BTW, in a ten team league that only uses Padres players, I think you have to draft Adrian Gonzalez first. Peavy’s great, but you can get pitching late.)

Todd Jones - Speaking of the Disgraceful List, Todd Jones hits the DL. Reason given by the Tigers for this move, “Well… Dur.”