Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny. It’s the bullpens, ya’ll. Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league. That’s a true story in opposite world. On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad. On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first. He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September. Mark my words! But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain) 2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner) 3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb) 4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo) 6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell) 7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke) 8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda) 9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit) 10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray) 11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan) 12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard) 13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day) 14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches) 15.Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain) 17.Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League) 19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon) 20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez) 21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras) 22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton) 23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs) 24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas) 25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock) 26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista) 27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher) 28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez) 29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez) 30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)
For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad. I know, call your Congressman. Pass Prop 12. There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007. I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad. Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta. Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is. His WHIP is kinda bleh. His ERA’s kinda ugly. His dancing is hideous. For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks. And, uh, cracks kill. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte) 2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso) 3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner) 4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams) 6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano) 7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth) 8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan) 9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray) 10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit) 11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler) 12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan) 13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima) 14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day) 15.Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches) 16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain) 18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
19.David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League) 20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino) 21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen) 22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan) 23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin) 24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton) 25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs) 26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt) 27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva) 28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez) 29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez) 30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)
In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist. It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say. Hey, hey, hey. Wrists are tricky things for hitters. I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September. If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him. Not literally, unless you have his permission. I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out. The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!” You tell them it’s a knockoff. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER. Corpas Christi! The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet. Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role. Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later. Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save. Cust kayin’.
Mike Stanton – 1-for-4 with a steal and 2 Ks. Has 19 Ks in 11 games while batting .233. He will be every bit the mollywhopping, pony stick waving phenom that he was billed, but there is obviously going to be some strikeout/average growing pains, Mike Seaver.
Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, hitting .320 over the last week and .290 on the year. He’s walking that line between yawnstipating in mixed leagues and a very valuable NL-Only corner man.
Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Now has an ERA of 1.80. If it wasn’t for Ubaldo’s silly season thus far, all eyes would be on Josh Johnson. He has a lower WHIP and FIP than Ubaldo and a higher K/9. Yes, I’m doing my best to point out Johnson has been better than Ubaldo. Too bad only Keith Law will vote for him.
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out due to a sore hamstring. Or as they call it in the Marlins’ clubhouse, “An excuse to not hustle.”
Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks as he roofied his owners.
Kris Medlen – It’s looking promising for Medlen to stay in the rotation and Kawakami to move to the bullpen. Booyakami!
Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he beat Roy Halladay (8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks) In related news, water is dry.
Chase Utley – 6 for his last 14 with a homer and 7 RBIs since he denied that his knee was bothering him as Davey Lopes said. The charge that his knee was hurting him may have sparked him to prove the naysayers nay. Here’s how I think it went down. Manuel knew that if a coach said Utley had a knee injury, Utley’s pomade would get all bent out of shape and start hitting, so Lopes jumped on the grenade. Either that or Lopes is a jackoff.
Matt Holliday – 2 homers and four in his last 3 games. When I saw his recent outburst, the first thing I did was look to see when he started hitting last year. It was around mid-July. So you drafted him in the 2nd round this year and he didn’t start hitting for another three weeks last year. Seems like you owe Holliday an apology.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 4-for-4 with his 7th homer. Another Billy Beane success story! Too bad he’s surrounded by Ryan Sweeney, Daric “Don’t Call Me Clara” Barton, Adam “Don’t Call Me Adam Rosales” Rosales and Landon “Not Quite As Good As Landon from the RR/RW Challenge” Powell.
Jason Bourgeois – Was called up by the Astros. Not a fresh name at 28-years-old, but Bourgeois has the means of production to steal bases like a pig. But he may not get the at-bats to do it yet since he’ll have to fill-in and work many jobs as the utility outfielder. How proletariat of him.
Jason Castro – Was also called up by the Astros. Yesterday, Ed Wade’s toupee said, “You know what this club is missing? More Jasons!” Seems like Castro is being rushed. In Triple-A, he had a .278 average and 4 homers since May 1st. In other words, we’re probably a year away from renaming the club, the Houston Castros. In keeper NL-Only leagues, I could see sitting on him if you’re not getting any catcher production, since Castro will be the starter. Oh, and now that Castro and Bourgeois are called up the same day, Pence may have to put his last name in a kitty to be divided up equally.
Chris Johnson – Finally, the most interesting name of the recent fresh-faced Astros. Since May 8th when he was activated from the DL, he hit .329 with 8 homers. He’ll supplant Peter Happy for the majority of the playing time at 3rd base, but not all of it yet. I’d wait and see in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him and hope he blows Happy’s production out of the water and becomes the every day starter.
Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks. Only two walks, which is nice, but he’s so unpredictable it makes it hard to recommend him in mixed leagues. For NL-Only, he’s a difference maker type guy.
Brett Anderson – He’s due back after the All-Star break, if there’s no setbacks. That “if” has its own zip code.
Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has back-to-back solid starts after Piniella tried to self-sabotage his team with the failed bullpen experiment. If Big Z’s on your waivers, I’d give him a shot in certain 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.
Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. He gets the Reds next. My crystal ball says he’ll strikeout 10 and only give up 1 earned run…. Or he’ll give up 8 earned and be removed in the 3rd inning. I should’ve sprung for the crystal ball that narrows choices down to one.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Buster Posey who?
Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3 and batting .063 so far. Pedro Alvarez who? Really early to be writing him off, I’d give him another week in mixed leagues. If you can, give him the week on your bench. To the bench, Smashbuckler!
J.J. Putz – Picked up the save due to Jenks feeling jenky and Matt Thornton pitching in the 8th. Guillen said Jenks will be fine, but you can grab Putz (hehe) or Thornton, if you’re really hurting for saves.
Billy Wagner – Got his 14th save. I usually don’t mention closers unless they’re losing their job, but Wagner’s looking like a $12 Salad. In 29 1/3 innings, 5-0/1.23/0.99/43. Pretty incredible year so far.
Jonathan Sanchez – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. Hopefully, he straightens himself out quickly because I own him in every league. Yes, this is about me.
Aubrey Huff – Hit his 12th homer. Meanwhile, Pat Burrell hit his 3rd. I’m sure this is not the first time they hit four-baggers on the same day.
John Maine – Looks like the Mets will shut him down. Too bad, so sad.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Now three starts away from his last shelling, and 5 of 6 solid starts since he returned. Right now, he looks about as safe as he’s going to look.
Rick Porcello – Sent to Triple-A Toledo as the Tigers hope for a repeat of their Scherzer demotion magic. If they can fix whatever ails Porcello, pitchers from all over may take a pilgrimage to bathe in that holy Toledo water.
Julio Borbon – 4-for-5 from the leadoff spot. That is all. Literally. No steals. I do think the training wheels come off him and he starts taking some extra bases.
Josh Hamilton – 5-for-6, now batting .337 on the year with 16 homers. Man, I stepped in a big pile of juju with this guy. Let me now apologize for ragging on you, Hamilton, for the last two years. Maybe we can go get an O’Doul’s some time. My treat.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and two steals before Davey Lopes can say anything about his ankle.
Alex Rodriguez – Him and Posada will probably miss a few games this week with no DH at the Yankees’ disposal. How awesome would it be if Kevin Russo shows up at the LA game with Kate Hudson on his arm?
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a homer in his 2nd game in a row. Looks like Tex called up his July talent a week early and will risk losing it to arbitration a year early.
The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month. With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it. No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard? Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be? No, of course, I can’t. It would be too easy. I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them. Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.) So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them. Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill) 2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte) 3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima) 4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe) 6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia) 7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson) 8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry) 9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler) 10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour) 11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler) 12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte) 13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan) 14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 15.Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain) 16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley) 17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches) 18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields) 19.Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen) 20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray) 22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan) 23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street) 24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs) 25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz) 26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez) 27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez) 28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin) 29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot) 30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)
In one article about Mike Stanton in The Miami Herald, a longtime season ticket holder, Fran, was asked if any player every matched Stanton’s sheer mollywhopping, pony sticking ability. The gist is no. Fran, at 85, had seen them all too. About Randy Johnson, Fran was quoted as saying, “Wild as any turkey ever got to be. He had that hair, and when he pitched and got sweaty, he had the nastiest head of hair you ever seen.” Now if I worked as a reporter for The Miami Herald, I’d make sure I had at least one quote from Fran in every article. If I could somehow find someone to match her quotey-ness, I’d say the quote was “frantastic.” If another reporter asked me to read their piece and they lacked a Fran quote, I’d say it’s not franny enough. Can we get a interview with Fran? Or should I just call up any retirement home in Miami-Dade County and interview anyone I get on the phone about the Marlins prospects? Mrs. Abramowitz, “Can Maybin turn it around?” “I’ve seen potato pancakes bigger than him. Put some apple sauce on his head and he’ll fall over.” /Fran aside.
So, I have big love for Stanton (<–cable TV pun!), and I think he should be picked up in all leagues immediately. Between Cody Ross, Coghlan and Maybin, the Marlins have no reason to keep Stanton down any longer. He should be up in the next few weeks. When he arrives, he’ll be good for power and maybe not much else. He could be a drag on average. Here’s what I said back in November, “In Single-A, he hit 39 homers while slashing .293/.381/.611. There’s light tower power in his man-frame of 6’5″, 210 lbs. (for those in San Diego, that’s 3 and a half David Ecksteins, but only three-quarters of a Kyle Blanks. Or Blanks sans afro.). Last year, Stanton continued his assault on minor league pitching in High-A, then hit his first roadblock at Double-A. Unable to make the necessary adjustments, he saw the one part of his game that was exploitable exploited. He’s a hacker. Even when he hit the 39 homers in 125 games in A, he struck out 153 times. Last year, he K’d 99 times in 79 Double-A games, which led to .231/.311/.455.” And that’s me quoting me! Since then, i.e., this year, he’s hit the ball wilder than any turkey Fran’s ever saw. When he gets called up in June, think a line of 15-20 homers and a .255 average. The hype alone makes him rosterable. If you have him, I believe his hype will make it worth trading him in non-keeper leagues. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Scott Olsen – He gets the Rockies his next time out in Coors, which isn’t a start I’d want any part of, but then he gets the O’s, Giants and Astros, three clubs that punted hitting this year.
Derek Holland – I think he’ll be a matchups guy for certain stretches of the season. Read: When he’s at home. Potatoes to chips, I’d still own him because he’s D-Nice with the Ks.
John Ely – Weird that this guy seems completely off everyone’s radar. He has a 17:3 K:BB rate and he gets the Astros next time out. That’s Lov-Ely.
Johnny Cueto – Sure, his name sounds like a bully from an 80′s movie and he treated you as such his first month, but he has a 33:12 K:BB and a 1.21 WHIP with three straight solid starts. Cueto won’t hurt you… As long as you’re not a dork!
Randy Wells – I know it’s weird for you to go after a pitcher who hasn’t pitched that well so far. This is a trust exercise. Just fall back, Wells will catch you.
Troy Glaus – Hitting .400 over the last week with 2 homers. He got so hot it was a Glaussian blur! What? Terrible? Yeah, probably.
Luke Scott – ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH!
Travis Snider – Member why you drafted him in March? Yeah, none of that has changed, he just started slow. Still plenty of time for him to breakout. Or not. But it’s worth the chance on upside.
Michael Saunders – Maybe because his last name sounds like he likes to walk leisurely, but I’m finding it hard to build enthusiasm about Saunders. Is he rosterable in deep leagues? Yeppers. Is he better than a poor man’s FraGu? Not on your Mom Mom’s life.
Alfredo Simon – You know the douche that updates his Facebook page whenever he has something to brag about? Yeah, well, I’m going to post about how I picked Alfredo Simon up in a fantasy league. Take that, douche who just got a new job!
Jose Contreras – Yes, it’s saves. I’m just worried that after you’re done with him you’re going to have a screwvenir of an unsightly ERA and WHIP.
Manny Corpas – No better than Contreras, only 47 years younger.
John Buck – One catcher I’m mentioning this week. McCann + V-Mart + Mauer is less than Buck’s power so far. Ain’t that a kick in the pants?
SELL
Gordon Beckham – Every time I watch him at the plate, I feel like some depressing David Gray song should be playing in the background. It’s like every lemming in the world has Beckham on their team. Even if he rights the ship, what are you going to get? 14/10? I just popped a zit and it gave me more satisfaction. Lose him, it’s time to move on.
Kyle Blanks – It’s time to start making some tough choices. Blanks seems like a good guy. It’s well documented that he can carry around 17 cookie elves in the palm of his hand. But his strikeouts right now? A taco diarrhea mess. You get power off waivers elsewhere. That’s a command, Lieutenant.
Jason Kubel – We’re cleaning house today, huh? In the rankings, I said, “Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick. There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team. Trust me, he won’t.” And that’s me anticipating you dropping Kubel!
Starlin Castro – Whatchu talkin’ about, Grey?! You just told us to pick him up! Yeah, and now I’m telling you like Yoda would that the hype is too strong in him. Now don’t trade him for a set of gold fronts, but I’d definitely see what I could get. Say Asdrubal and a donkeycorn? You’re coming out on top of that. And tell’m Grey sent ya! Though that might just confuse them.
