Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights.  Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer.  Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year.  The closerousel has made me really nauseous.  Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it.  Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already.  I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two.  Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans.  SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role.  Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own.  I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.

Jimmy Rollins – It’s official.  Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL.  Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks.  Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4.  I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins.  As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”

Miguel Montero – Good news!  Well, kinda.  He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks.  Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.

Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness.  He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR.  No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy.  Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks.  He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs.  Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks.  Adam Dunn has 7 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis.  Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured!  I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him.  The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda².  Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.

Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368.  His health and/or this hitting won’t last.  Own him while it does.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats.  That should tell you what I think of Porcello.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners.  And that’s his downside.  Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.

Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.

C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning.  Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday.  I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.

Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks.  Yes, I love strikeout pitchers.  Here’s the issue.  A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid.  Ironic?  I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart.  B) He was honing his shizz in Japan.  Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan?  No offense, Sadaharu Oh.  C) He walks people.  A better hitting team will kill him.  D) There is no D.  There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts.  What else do you need?  He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues.  It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned.  Come on, people.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!

Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096.  Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA.  Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks.  A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit.  Fairly well, Bailey.

Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May.  I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.

Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.

Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday.  Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row.  No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.

Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer.  I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page.  You scroll and come back.  Maybe you wait for it.  Your choice.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts.  Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.

Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130.  Playing.  Not well.  I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him.  I see little reason to go back.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer.  BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011?  Yup.

John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks.  Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short.  He can be effective verging on yawnstipating.  My bigger issue is his injury concernness.  Yeah, that’s a word.  Eat it, Roget’s!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible.  I’m ignoring this burp.

Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back.  He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks.  You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!

Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby.  Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has now put together back-to-back solid starts.  Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate.  Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.

Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts.  Never stopped him before though.  So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven.  Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday.  I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year.  To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks.  Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”)

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals.  Has a five game hitting streak going.  For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues.  Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb.  Oh, wait, I read that news wrong.  He’s just nursing a sore thumb.  NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286.  Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.

Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.

B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once–  Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday.  He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post.  Ooh…Grey gets a gold star!  Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out.  Sorry, my H2H team sucks.

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.

With more outfielders than G-Unit feuds, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball.  These guys may seem like they’re not worth the effort, but remember last year Adam Jones, Nelson Cruz and Justin Upton were found here.  As with the other 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball:

41. Michael Cuddyer – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Kubel.  I call this tier, “Yawnstipating power outfielders.”  Cuddyer probably could’ve/should’ve/Elliott Gould’ve ranked higher than this, but I think he had a career year that won’t be repeated.  A career year that I went over in the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball, where you’ll also find his projections.

42. Brad Hawpe – Maybe it’s just me but Brad Hawpe screams a platoon player to me.  A platoon player that only plays the 1st half of the year? Ah, cute, random italicized voice.  No, he shouldn’t play vs. lefties.  Also, watch out if he’s shipped out of Coors.  (An idea that has me foaming at the mouth.  Well, that and my Diet Coke and Mentos diet.)  2010 Projections:  70/25/85/.280

43. Jason Kubel – I liked Kubel going into 2009.  He’s more or less the same this year, but the only difference is how people are perceiving him.  Kubel had value when he was a last round draft pick.  There’s no value when you have to draft him like he’s actually going to stay on your team.  Trust me, he won’t.  2010 Projections:  70/25/85/.285

44. Vernon Wells – He had wrist surgery in November.  Blech.  I’m really only ranking him because I don’t want people to ask me if I forgot him.  I didn’t, but you should.  2010 Projections:  65/17/75/.265/10

45. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Snider.  I call this tier, “Back into outfielders that I would draft.”  Hart will be 28 in March and 2009 was a lost season; he battled injuries for almost two months.  His declining HR/FB is cause for some alarm, so he doesn’t come without risk.  But when you’re choosing between Kubel or Wells or Hart, I trust you’ll make the right choice.  2010 Projections:  75/20/80/.260/17

46. Dexter Fowler – I went over my Fowler fantasy already.  2010 Projections:  85/10/55/.285/35

47. Colby Rasmus – I went over him in a Colby Rasmus sleeper post.  2010 Projections:  85/17/65/.265/14

48. Travis Snider – I’m randy on Travis.  As long as the Blue Jays don’t Kemp him all season and move him up the order then he could be in for a huge breakout.  There was also a Travis Snider sleeper post.  2010 Projections:  70/27/85/.265/3

49. Drew Stubbs – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Brantley.  I call this tier, “Upside speed picks to make Ron LeFlore proud.”  I’ll like Stubbs more when he definitely has the job in center.  Though, even with the job, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him lose time to other outfielders, especially if Taveras is still there.  Stubbs also has a problem with Ks.  2010 Projections:  80/7/50/.255/35

50. Michael Brantley – It’s the Riverdance guy!  This ranking is really contingent on playing time and the speed he offers.  Don’t expect much else.  2010 Projections: 55/5/65/.275/30

51. Elijah Dukes – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to The Big FraGu.  I call this tier, “Your back’s against the wall and you really need upside.” Last year was the first time in his career that Dukes didn’t have any trouble with the law.  He also didn’t hit.  Let’s hope in 2010 he catches manslaughter charges and hits 25 homers.  2010 Projections:  75/17/80/.270/15 <– optimistic but whatever

52. Chase Headley - I like him way better at 3rd base.  In fact, I already went over him there at the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

53. Chris Coghlan – Looking at Coghlan’s numbers, he looks like a cheap Denard Dawg.  That’s neither a compliment nor an insult.  To put that in overused slang terms, it is what it is.  Coghlan just needs to show more of that speed he showed in the minors.  Would I want Coghlan in my outfield?  Not unless I had a lot of speed and power on my team and felt I needed average and Runs.  2010 Projections:  100/10/55/.310/15

54. Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu probably gets more pub on Razzball than he should because of his most excellent nickname.  His ceiling is what he did last year, but he could do it again.  2010 Projections:  60/15/75/.270/13

55. Carlos Guillen – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Mags.  I call this tier, “Old guys with no upside.”  Listen — or read as the case probably is — a lot of these guys will probably outperform some of the guys above, but that doesn’t mean I’d necessarily want them on all teams.  I tend to go for steady performers in the early slots of the draft, then I take fliers later on.  But if you have an outfield of, say, Justin Upton and Adam Jones, I could see taking Carlos Guillen to balance upside with stability.  As for Guillen, he was injury-prone when he was young.  Now he’s 35 years old.  Oy.  2010 Projections:  75/15/70/.285/6

56. Ryan Ludwick – Wait, wasn’t Ludwick in a promising tier last year? Yeah, and now he’s  in an over-the-hill one.  2010 Projections:  60/24/85/.270/3

57. J.D. Drew – He’s actually stayed relatively healthy recently and the numbers have been pretty yawnstipating.  Hopefully, his brother, Stephen, can step it up Michael Voltaggio-style and help Mother Drew choose a favorite.  2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.275

58. Milton Bradley – He has the inverse Elijah Dukes thing going on.  When he’s good, he’s good, when he’s bad, he’s so bad.  (<–That would mean the exact opposite if you were to hear it in an R&B song.)  2010 Projections:  65/16/70/.280/5

59. Mike Cameron – Went over Mike Cameron for fantasy when he was signed by the Sawx.  2010 Projections:  70/20/85/.245/14

60. Magglio Ordonez – You can pretty much tell how stodgy a fantasy baseball site is by where they rank Magglio.  CBS has him 49th.  Barring his insane BABIP year of ’07, he hasn’t really been great since 2002 and now has been below average and down right bad the last two years, respectively.  He’s AARP Mags.  2010 Projections:  75/15/95/.310

Daisuke Matsuzaka returned from his bout of Terriblitis to pitch effectively vs. the Angels. 6 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He almost looked as good as when he won the MVP of the World Baseball Classic.   Ah, yes, Selig, it’s a brilliant idea.  We’re a global game now.  Next time I’m in Italy, my paisans and I will talk all about baseball over our Chianti.  I’m not a huge fan of Dice-K (the walks), but he was solid in his rehab stint and he does get the Orioles next.  That’s not a terrible match up.  I wouldn’t own him, but we can still get along if you do.  One love!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jake Peavy – The on again, on again, then off again, then briefly on, then briefly off, then on again comeback is on again for Saturday vs. the Royals.

Victor Martinez – Here’s an SAT question for you.  Martinez left the club for “personal reasons.”  Grey knows what it means when his girlfriend takes off a day from work for “personal reasons.” So this means that Martinez left the club because of what?

Michael Young – He kept saying he would return on Friday.  Then he returned yesterday.  Then he was lifted for a pinch hitter after one at-bat.  See what happens to liars.  He now says he really will be back this Friday.  Mmm-hmm.

Andy Pettitte – Will miss a start with a sore shoulder.  I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the Yankee team has a “sore shoulder” on and off for the next few weeks as they gear up for the playoffs.

Carlos Marmol – Piniella calls Marmol the closer for 2010.  With the amount of walks Marmol gives up, I don’t think Piniella should cancel the Milk of Magnesia bulk order just yet.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks and his 10th Win.  He has a 2.65 ERA on the year with nearly a K/IP.  He far exceeded my expectations for him or, really, any rookie pitcher.

Adam LaRoche – 4-for-4, 2 HRs yesterday.  Maybe if LaRoche starts playing in Venezuela in the winter, then by April he’ll think it’s the All-Star Break.

Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer yesterday.  For everyone’s sake, hope he doesn’t have a great final three weeks, so people partially forget about him next year.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer.  Speaking of catchers who drove you mad this year, Soto’s been hot in September, hitting over .350.

Yovani Gallardo - 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  YoGa, why do you stress me?  I would’ve totally accepted him getting scratched before this game rather than this start.

Robinson Tejada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  He was highlighted in yesterday’s post about borderline starters.  You scroll down.  Also, it’s Ta-HEY-duh not Tay-HA-duh, but both are from Baní, Dominican Republic.  You think in Baní there’s a lot of people saying, “Is it hey or ha?”

Miguel Olivo – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  He gets so incredibly hot when he’s actually hitting the ball and not striking out.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Olivo hits 5 more homers in the next two weeks.

Magglio Ordonez – Went 0-for-3 with a strikeout, but the 3 at-bats will mean he’ll make $18 million next year.  Just in case you wanted a reason to run into traffic.

Travis Snider – 2 HRs yesterday.  See about 4 1/2 inches above under Wieters for why we don’t want Snider to get too hot.  Unless, I guess, if you own him.  But that’s just selfish.  Think about us!

Nick Swisher – 6 for his last 13 with a homer as he hits over .300 in September.

Cliff Lee – The Adverb threw a shutout with 9 Ks vs. the Nationals.

David Ortiz – HR yesterday.  I don’t own him, so, honestly, I don’t pay too much attention to how poor Ortiz is hitting on a day-to-day basis.  But, with that said, he’s batting .233.  When he bats, the opposing team should move the left side of the infield into the dugout.

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 4 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Reds.  Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out 3 Reds.

Kaz Matsui – HR yesterday and has 4 steals in the last week.  I’m guessing here, but I betcha he’s going to be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Heath Bell – 1 IP, 2 ER and the Bell has tolled every time in his last three appearances, giving up 7 runs.  Meanwhile, Grey notices Luke Gregerson has 15 consecutive scoreless innings dating back a month.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He gets the Diamondbacks next.  Not a terrible start, but he’ll be facing Haren.

Chipper Jones – Guess what?  Glass Chipper’s out for a few more days, might be longer.  Punt!

Carlos Beltran – 5-for-20, 1 homer, 2 RBIs, 0 steals and he’s sat out three games since his return.  Cust kayin’.

Francisco Rodriguez – Left the club to be with his wife as she gave birth.  This would’ve been so much easier if he would’ve just knocked up Aaron Hill’s wife.

Given the plum matchup of the Nationals for his first Sawx start, John Smoltz turned the opportunity into prunes with a 4-run 1st inning. But then he started shaking off the rust and gave up only 1 ER and 3 hits in the next 4 innings. So what can be expect from Ol’ Smoltzy? His move to the AL is a blessing and a curse – a blessing in that many of the hitters haven’t faced him and a curse in that it’s the tougher league. His velocity was good given it was his first start (hitting 93+ MPH on the fastball) and his slider and split-finger had some bite. If he stays healthy, he’s definitely worth rolling the dice on. But you may want to sit him during bad matchups until he has a couple good starts under his belt.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw in fantasy baseball:

Geovany Soto – Was reported that he tested positive for marijuana in the WBC.  Going, Going, Ganja!  To be blunt, Soto had an awful start.  He stunk up the joint.  He left his owners hungry.  Now, he’s smoking like he’s hitting .420.

Russell Martin – If Soto was on pot, what has Russell Martin been on?

Jake Fox – HR yesterday.  Fox is worth owning while DH’ing.  He’s crazy like a fox, which is much better than crazy like a Milton Bradley.

Magglio Ordonez – HR yesterday after he shaved his head.  Hey, it worked for Bruce Willis.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Did show up on the list of pitchers who may be in for a correction.  I think he’ll be okay, but he’s not an under 4 ERA pitcher.  You knew that, I knew that.  Let’s move on, shall we?

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Take that Rick Peterson!

Matt Kemp – 0-for-6 with 4 Ks as he batted 5th.  C’mon, Torre, bat him ninth!

Casey McGehee – HR yesterday as he bats .389 in the last week.  After the game, Zobrist tossed him his jersey as he cracked open a Coke.

Denard Span – Returned from the Dizzabled List with a 1-for-2 game and 3 runs scored.

Hanley Ramirez – It’s been a tough year for NL East shorstops and Hanley came out of the gates quite slow (9/2/12/3/.289).  After a typical Hanley May (21/6/11/5/.359), the first 20 games in June netted 0 HR and 1 SB (despite hitting for average and RBI).  So what’s he done in the past 4 games…just 3 HR, 13 RBI, and a SB!  Now at .335 and on pace for about 25/25, he’s back to his rightful place as the 2nd best fantasy hitter after Pujols.

Cody Ross - The one where Ross hits his 13th homer.

Wade LeBlanc – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Seattle crushed Joey.  Bring in Schwimmer!

Wladimir Balentien – Welcome back to, “Who’s your -laddy!”  Vladimir has two homers, but Wladimir hit his third yesterday.  Right now, Wladdy is your -laddy!

Lance Berkman – 2 HRs, 4 RBIs and 1 steal.  With three hits yesterday, he equaled his total for the last week.  Hopefully he has a solid 2nd half.  The numbers say he should.

Derek Lowe – 3 IP, 6 ER.  Sure would’ve been easier to call this one if he was hit hard against the Red Sox last time out.  Since I said two weeks that he hadn’t given up more than 3 runs in over a month, he’s been rocked twice in three starts.  Lesson learned?  Keep big trap shut.

Jimmy Rollins – Benched for two games because of his .218 BABIP.  Funny that the Phillies are saying it’s a mental break when they’re the ones over thinking things.

Antonio Bastardo – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Fitting name.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I’m so done with NL pitchers in AL parks that I benched Cueto yesterday.  Missed a Win, but avoided a WHIPing.

Alex Rodriguez – After battling “fatigue” early in the week, he rested for two days.  Yesterday, he hit his tenth homer.  Now that’s what I call a power nap!

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER.  You deserved this line if you had the cojones to start him against the Sawx.  For those playing at home, and I’m assuming besides our incarcerated readers that’s true of most of you, Zimmermann has 69 Ks and 69 2/3 IP.  Hello, beautiful.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Not my style to point out the positive with Lee, but all his Win Karma from last year as gone out the window somewhere on I-90.

Eric Byrnes – Out for two months with a fractured hand.  The hand must’ve felt guilty for signing those checks the past year and a half.

Mark Reynolds – 2 HRs yesterday.  Get on the donkey, donkey!

Joey Votto - 4-for-5, HR, 2 R. 3 RBI.  Nothing depressing about that line!