Fantasy Baseball Advice

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects.  On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay.  I think the desert sun’s baked their brains.  To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. The Yankees will give us their top prospect and dinner with Rudy Giuliani, can you beat that?  Here’s our top prospect and Bobby Grich will do your personal taxes for two years.  Deal!  On a fantasy note, this is about as lateral of a move Haren owners could’ve hoped for.  The league change is a negative, but the park change is a positive.  Also, if your pitcher gets traded into the AL, the AL West is the place for them.  The M’s and A’s are weak and the Rangers are less strong away from Arlington (the Angels are done playing in Arlington until the last weekend of the season).  The Angels do get the Red Sox twice, but also the O’s, Royals and Indians.  The only real red flag for Haren is his 1st/2nd half splits, but that was a problem prior to the trade.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before going into the roundup, I wanted to tell everyone our fantasy football site is doing sign ups for their fantasy leagues.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Joe Saunders – The move to the NL doesn’t make him more attractive.  A move to the Taiwanese Little League team wouldn’t make him more attractive.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with a homer as he pulled off some Multiplicity shizz.

Magglio Ordonez -  While he’s shelved for two months, he can work on what’s really important, growing out his jheri curl mullet.  Bring back the Soul Glo!  Immediately when I saw the Tigers three hole hitter was knocked out for 2 months the first thing I thought was, is Leyland really going to bat the .280 OBP Ryan Raburn third for two months?  He did for the first game of the doubleheader.  We shall see.

Carlos Guillen – Off to the DL or as they call it in the Guillen household, “Daddy day care.”

Ryan Raburn – The Magglio/Guillen injuries should give a couple new guys regular time, but the only interesting one is Raburn.  (Will Rhymes is interesting for his steals, but I don’t think he gets enough playing time.  BTW, no relation to Busta.)  Raburn hit 16 homers in 261 ABs last year.  His homers per fly balls was a bit out of whack, but if he gets hot, he can provide some pop.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you take what you can get.  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t touch him until he starts hitting.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL with yawnstipation.  Wait, checking my notes.  Oh, he strained his oblique.  If he were on the Mets, he would’ve played tomorrow, then sat out for a week, then played, then sat out for five games, then played.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the O’s.  Since this was against a terrible team, it doesn’t instill any confidence.

Jason Kubel – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  I ranked Kubel high in my midseason fantasy rankings because of his propensity for 2nd half thunder.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5 with 3 Ks and has been struggling for the last week.  Rockies should trade Brad Hawpe for a new finger for CarGo.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A just okay return for a guy I’m not high on (unlike this glue I’m huffing).  Happ has 12 walks and 9 Ks in 15 1/3 IP.  You shouldn’t need more.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with 2 steals and 6 steals in the last week. Coco Quik!  Gotta love when a player knows how he provides fantasy value and gives it to you.

Ben Sheets – To the DL as he took one for all the Bennis Carpensheeters out there.  (BTW, The White Sox middle man, Erick Threets’ name sounds like a portmanteau of injured players too.)

Michael Wuertz – Wuertz has now picked up his 2nd save in four days as Bailey deals with back problems.  Though Bailey said he should return on Tuesday, I picked up Wuertz everywhere I could.  He’s heavy!

Brett Anderson – Should return on Friday.  I’d be careful with the first start back, but I would own Anderson since when he’s healthy, he’s nasty.

R.A. Dickey – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He left the game with a strained buttock after stepping in a mound ditch made by Kershaw.  Hoping for the NY Post headline, “Dickey In A Hole, Strains Butt.”

Kenley Jansen – This converted catcher is giving herbathrowdites everywhere a good name.  He got his first save as Broxton recoups from his two inning outing on Saturday.  Leave it to Torre to rest Broxton during save chances because he was overworked then to throw him for two innings.  Jansen could be a fun MR pickup for Holds and Ks, but he’s not suddenly the closer.

Buster Posey – 4-for-5 and now batting .371.  Pray he doesn’t ask for advice from Soto and Wieters on how to follow up his rookie year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Still don’t trust him but he does go into Metco next time out.  That’s a decent gamble in some leagues.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Facing the top hitting club in the NL, the Reds, and he does this after getting shelled by the Cubs last time out.  The Wandwagon’s shocks are causing for a bumpy ride.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yeah, he’s a mixed league pickup now.  As they say in the porn industry, all aboard the Johnson!

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was in Friday’s Sell.  How did you know, Grey?  Please dish. Well, random italicized voice, I didn’t know he’d pitch poorly, but his innings will soon be limited.  And maybe he will pitch poorly going forward because he’s young and might be tiring.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-5 with his fourth homer this week.  In the broad sense, he sucks.  In the specific as-of-right-now sense, he’s hot and could help you for a few days while he’s hitting and starting.

Joel Hanrahan – Being reported by Buster Olney that he will take over for Dotel if a trade goes down.  Olney’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know.  Like when he forgot where his keys were to his money green El Dorado, I didn’t even know he had an El Dorado.

Troy Glaus – 1-for-4 as he hits .204 in July with zero homers.  Belch.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with 2 homers and a steal.  He has a modest five game hitting streak.  Could end the season with a 20 homers and 15 steals.  Right now he’s at 9/8.  Do the math!

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This start might’ve been slightly shortened by rain, but, since the Yanks won’t try and push him, you should expect similar lines going forward.  Ron Washington, “Someone say lines?!”

Reid Brignac – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Own while hot.

Rick Ankiel – 3-for-4 with his first homer since coming back.  In most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more.

Scott Podsednik – 2 homers and 4 RBIs.  After the game, he told a reporter, “And I got a hot wife.  WHAT?!”  Then again, that’s his answer to everything.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with a steal as he’s played in both games since him and Wakamatsu fought in the dugout.  Talks are now underway for Figgy and Wakamatsu to star in the re-remake of The Karate Kid.

Here’s some 2nd half hitters for fantasy baseball who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2010:

Derrek Lee – Last year, he played the 2nd half like he was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf.  I think last year was an anomaly, which is a fancy word for saying ignore Derrek Lee’s 2nd half.  But if you’re choosing between the schmohawk behind door #3 and Lee, then I’d go with Lee just for the chance he can repeat even a tiny bit of last year, so that’s negating the negation.

Matt Holliday – Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half, 16 homers in 2008 and 16 in 2009, while also having the 6th best average in the majors.  Holliday’s on holiday in the 1st half and Holliday’s Holliday in the 2nd half.  Any questions?  Yeah, what are you talking about? Not now, random italicized voice.

Prince Fielder – Last year, he led the majors with 24 homers.  If anyone besides Ryan Howard can hit 20+ homers in 2 and a half months, it’s Prince.

Carlos Pena – 26 homers in 07′s 2nd half.  17 homers in the 2nd half  of 2008.  Last year, he hit 15.  This year I say he hits as many as it takes to give him 39 for the year.  Why?  Cause Pena is a 39 homer guy.  Yes, it’s that scientific.

Ryan Zimmerman – Always hits for a better average in the 2nd half, but last year he also chucked in 19 homers.  If you currently own Holliday, Zimmerman and Fielder on the same team, you’re enjoying this post so far, huh?  Go take a steam, you’re done for today.

Magglio Ordonez – Consistently hits for more power and a better average in the 2nd half.  Not someone I’d necessarily trade for, but if he was a throw-in into another trade, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.

Nyjer Morgan – Had the third best average in last year’s 2nd half just in front of Joe Mauer and Howie Kendrick (<–bonus name!).  So far this year, Nyjer’s been a bit unlucky (though he was a bit lucky during last year’s 2nd half).  If all things were equal, I’d look like Tom Cruise, have duckets like Bill Gates and Nyjer would have a good 2nd half.

Ty Wigginton – Honestly, I think Wiggy might’ve used up all his goodwill in April and May, so I’m not saying trade for him, but he has been better in the 2nd half for the last 4 years.

Adam LaRoche/Mark Teixeira – What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Mark Teixeira and Adam LaRoche?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

Matt Lindstrom threw 1 IP, 2 ER and his second blown save in two games and third in his last four.  If you’re not reading this until Sunday, he probably blew another game.  Oops, there goes another one.  I grabbed Brandon Lyon in two leagues where he was available.  If it was simply Lindstrom sucking, I’d say you can hold off, but Lindstrom said he has mechanical issues.  You know what mechanical issues are code for, right?  A breakdown.  In the mean’s while, Lyon is just okay.  If I said he was good, I’d be (Mad Lib in your own pun).  But Lyon does have closing experience, so there’s that junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  As for Matt Capps, his rope is a bit longer, but his shakes haven’t been great either.  Yesterday, he went 2/3 IP, 3 unearned runs and the third time he was Cappsized this year.  Ticker shock due to Cristian Guzman playing about fifty feet too far behind 2nd.  It was Guzman’s third error of the game.  [mind-boggling] I realize the Nats are the Nots without Guzman and all, but there really should’ve been a defensive replacement in this game. [/mind-boggling]  I’d pray that Capps rights his own ship and grab Lyon if you have room.  Besides, Clippard’s probably owned anyway because he has, like, 17 wins.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Cust – It took forever and a day, but Cust hit his first home run.  He’s streaky like your hair when you used to wear Zubaz, so if there’s a time to grab Cust, now would be it.

Kurt Suzuki - 2-for-5 with 2 HRs and his 3rd in two games.  I was about to say it doesn’t matter because he’s probably owned everywhere, but then I saw he’s only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!  Hey, I’m not a huge fan of Suzuki, but I can’t imagine he’s not better than who some of you own.

Brett Anderson – Left the game after 2 innings with a sore elbow.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; it’s a bad sign.  If I were to read his tea leaves, I’d say he’s probably out until the All-Star Game.  But if I were the type to read tea leaves, I’d probably just spray his elbow with Windex and tell him to go pitch.  I’d hold him for now and hope for the best and expect the opposite.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  How’s that for a hard sell?!  Or is it a hard buy?  Or is it hard up?

Kris Medlen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, no walks, 4 Ks.  He actually looked even better than the line.  Two infield singles in the 8th scored with one being a broken bat jobber.  Yes, I’m a big fan, but he has a 2.79 ERA on the year; you should be too.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in his last five games.  He should have 5, but Ibanez robbed him on Wednesday.  Can’t Ibanez do anything right?  No, no he can’t.  BTW, Glaus is only owned in 77% of ESPN leagues.  Glaus who was the NL Player of the Month for May.  It really takes this long to add a guy?  If you’ve abandoned your team, why are you reading this?  For the funnies?  Then skip ahead to Bush, Maggs, Freddy Garcia and Fuentes.

Jason Bartlett – Headed to the DL with moans over his hammy.  The strain was considered mild when it happened last week and now he’s going on the DL.  You deduce what you want from that, but for a guy who gains value for fantasy with his legs this is not a good sign.

Carlos Lee – Back-to-back games with a homer.  I think I said this before, but Lee will hit 25 homers and bat around .270.  At some point, he’s got to get there.  And that’s me thinking I said something I might not have said!

Dave Bush – He said that the scratching this weekend has nothing to do with his finger’s blister.  Maybe the scratching has to do with his lip’s blister.

Mark Teahen – Had surgery on the tip of his middle finger.  Medical name of the surgery is “Fixin’ The Bird.”  Teahen will miss 4-6 weeks.

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-3 with his third homer in his last five games.  As Ozzie said on Twitter:  #it’saboutfreakintime.

Magglio Ordonez – 3-for-5 and came within a single of the cycle.  He would’ve had a single but Jim Joyce called it a homer.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6 with a .341 average on the year.  It’s nice and all, but he also has only 8 steals and 1 homer.  Also, his BABIP is totally, flippin’ out of control.  Okay, you know how I feel about this guy.  Moving on…

Adam Jones – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  I was thinking about Adam Jones’s year so far (while laying on my couch, sipping a blender drink).  Really, what’s the best case scenario for Jones?  He had a 19/10 year in ’09, batting .277.  So if he doesn’t take a huge step forward, what are we getting?  We’re getting a poor man’s Pence.  It’s okay, but his team’s offense is terrible, which will limit Runs and RBIs.  When in doubt, I’d still go with the upside, but I think we need to start tempering our expectations.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and a 2.10 ERA on the year.  Getting lost in the Ubaldo craze is the fact that Josh Johnson actually has a better xFIP and K-rate than Ubaldo.  Hey, maybe Keith Law will vote for Johnson instead of Ubaldo for the NL Cy Young.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-3 while raising his average from .213 to .249 in ten games.  Yup.

Bobby Jenks – As reported here after being read elsewhere, Jenks is the closer again as he pitched a scoreless inning yesterday to get the save.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rangers who can’t hit in away games.  No matter what Gavin Floyd has to say about it.  BTW, this is Freddy Garcia before the game, this is him after when he let his hair down.

Pat Burrell – Likely getting called up by San Francisco this weekend.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the bears are gonna love Pat the Bat.  And I’m not talking about the Golden State Bears.  Burrell could be a bat off the bench and he might see a few games a week in the outfield against lefties.  In NL-Only leagues, it’s worth a look.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, including a 4 strikeout 8th inning as he had his way with the Twins.  His ERA is now down to 3.26 and he looks like the ace you drafted.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last 7 games.  On a struggling team, I made a bold (read:  dumb) move last week, trading Cano for Lopez and Garza.  So far, it hasn’t looked terrible, but it’s still early and I have plenty of time to regret it.  Pray for me, Razzballers.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I think how badly he was outpitched by Jered Weaver (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks) says all that needs to be said.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  I understand everyone wants 5 Ryan Braun’s in their outfield, but I don’t understand when I get comments about dropping guys like Hunter.  Maybe he’s a bit yawnstipating, but he’s on pace for exactly what he should be.  Somewhere in the 25/17 neighborhood.  What were the royal you looking for when you drafted him?

Brian Fuentes – 1 IP, 2 ER for the save.  He gave up a two-run homer to Willie Bloomquist.  That’s like when a prostitute has sex with a hobo out of pity.

How dare you.  How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce.  Did you forget all our pre-draft love?  It’s less than two weeks into the season.  People need to chillax.  Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers.  Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April.  Still.   Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants.  You owe him that.  Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper.  I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest.  Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style.  As I cackle.  I will cackle loudly.  Hold Bruce, covet Bruce.  Don’t give up on Bruce.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement.  Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks.  Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market.  So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man.  Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend.  But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday.  You guys need to help each other.  I know you can.  Make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post:

BUY

Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –>  199 ABs  –> 25/7/25/.211.  –> Belch.  This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water.  I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question.  Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick.

Jeff Francoeur – He’s only 26, he’s taking walks and Frenchy’s hitting freedom flies.

Krispie Young – Also 26 years old, also taking walks (okay, only 2 as of this writing) and hitting Krispie flies.

Magglio Ordonez – Getting hits like he just dropped his debut album, Maggystyle.  She want the Maggy with the biggest cuts, and guess what?  He is Mags, and Mags is him.  Alas, I’m fully expecting him to start sucking soon.  Could’ve easily been in the Sell section, but really who’s buying this schmohawk.  Make a record of his label, “Own While Hitting.”

Josh Willingham – Went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  All Buy/Sells are located on the left sidebar.  No, your other left.

Seth Smith – Doesn’t his name seem like it should be the name for an unknown corpse?  Coincidentally, that’s how well he’s hitting too.  He’s worth a chance in deep leagues while he has every day time.

Scott Podsednik – It’s like this Buy post just hopped out of the hot tub time machine.  Who’s next, Kevin Gregg? Aw, geez…

Kevin Gregg – Here’s the thing with closers and, frankly, I’d write this on my forehead.  If guys are getting saves, you should own them.  In two months, if Gregg has 15 saves and still rocking a solid ERA, you can trade him for a much bigger piece than you’re getting off of waivers.  Wow, guess that’s a lot to write on your forehead.  How about you just write “SAGNOF!”

Fernando Rodney – Member what I wrote back in the Gregg blurb?  It still applies.

Jim Johnson – Same shizz, different blurb.

Jensen Lewis – A familiar pattern has emerged and here comes a filial pattern.

Ty Wigginton – Hey, it’s Casey McGehee Sr.

Casey McGehee – What’s up, Dad?!

Ryan Theriot – It’s me, your cousin.  Ryan.  Ryan Theriot.  The one with speed.  Oh, well.

Alcides Escobar – People really need to give this guy a bit more time.  The steals can come in a hurry.

Carl Pavano – I’d like to say he’s crizzap just as much as you, but his walk rate has me ignoring my past prejudices.   Is he the rebirth of slick?  Nah, Doodlebug.  But sometimes stability’s cool like dat.

Justin Masterson – Already went over him numerous times in the last few days.  You’re following along.  I don’t need to say anything else, right?

Justin Duchscherer – Total Bennis Carpensheeter.  His career numbers over 439 2/3 innings are a 3.15 ERA and 1.12 WHIP.  Why’s he owned in only 4.2% of ESPN leagues?  Your guess = My guess.

Brad Penny – Duncan just pulled a Penny from behind your ear.  Abracadabra, snitches!

C.J. Wilson – Ceej has always sported a nice K-rate.  Not crazy about Texas pitchers, but I’d give him a shot in the right matchups.  (Yes, I called him Ceej.  Yes, that’s lame.)

Ricky Romero – I really hate AL East pitchers not named… Well, you know the ones I like.  Here’s what happens, you don’t start Romero vs. the Sawx and he pitches well.  Then he faces the Orioles and they manage to hit him.  Then he throws against the Yankees and you second guess benching him and he gets hit again.  Before you know it you’re writing mission statements, getting fired, flipping out, taking a goldfish and a single mom to start your own business.  Only you’re not half as handsome as Tom Cruise, don’t know the first thing about business and the single mom has an ex with a neck tattoo who likes to booze with breakfast.

SELL

Scott Sizemore – This isn’t a sell as much as a time to move on.  It was a nice try for some *pinkie to mouth* upsize.  But it’s not working.  Let him figure out how to hit major league pitching on someone else’s dime.  If he starts hitting at some point, he’ll be out there for your grabby hands.

Sean Rodriguez – He needs to play every day and actually hit to warrant ownership.  I’ve lost him in numerous leagues.  To warn you though, I will be the first to say grab him if he does start hitting.  For now, go with a hot hitting MI.

Fausto Carmona – Name the movie:  “I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!  What a goof.  What’s with you man?  C’mon!”  Using Google is officially cheating.

Chris Carpenter – I know, blasphemy!  Everyone loves Carpenter.  He’s a grinder.  He is blue collar.  I am, Carpenter.  Rawr!  Get away from me documentary filmmakers, I’m eating dolphin babies.  I am, Carpenter.  Yeah, it’s all terrific.  He has a pretty lengthy track record of solid pitching.  His injury track record is as lengthy.  I say there’s a 50% chance of a breakdown this year.  His strikeouts are just okay.  I’m not saying sell him for an expired Capri Sun coupon, but I’d listen to offers.