Fantasy Baseball Advice

Traditional, smarishional, am I right?

I mean, long gone are the days when your soon-to-be father-in-law would actually pay you (in sheep, no less) to take his wretched daughter off his hands.

Similarly, Razzballers are becoming masters of their own domains and kicking the traditional 5×5 fantasy baseball game to the curb. According to this survey, a ton of you guys are adding OPS to your leagues. OPS is on-base plus slugging – basically the sum of a player’s OBP and their slugging (to put it in almost identical wording).

I understand it, it’s new. The long ball is fun. It’s not the 1940s anymore when players hit only singles and everyone had tons of acres and sheep and whatnot to give away.

Back to fake reality: if you’re in one of these newfangled leagues, you have to change the kind of dowry you offer for certain players.

Black OPS All-stars

Not surprisingly, a lot of hitters featured in the OBP value risers will gain value in OPS leagues. Jose Bautista, Lance Berkman, Prince Fielder, Carlos Pena, Mark Reynolds and Nick Swisher all become even more valuable in this type of league. In addition a few other guys gain a good bit of value.

Hanley Ramirez: Shortstops, as a whole, tend to suck even more when it comes to OBP and OPS leagues. Troy Tulowitzki stands a cut above the rest. However, even including last season’s disaster, Ramirez is the #2 SS in OPS over the last three seasons. For his career, Ramirez has a .886 OPS. While he might not get back to his .900+ OPS ways, a .370 OBP and .450 slugging percentage would net him a .820 OPS, which would have been in the top 40 last season and third at the position. A resurgent Hanley is a phenomenal option in OPS leagues.

Carlos Gonzalez: Gonzalez posted the 12^th best OPS among OFs last season and has the third best OPS since 2009 at the position. A .365 OBP and .545 slugging percentage (i.e., .910 OPS) seem par for the course with Gonzalez now. That’s a top 15 mark most years. If you add the steals and other counting numbers, Gonzalez becomes an incredibly interesting option in the late first round.

Carlos Beltran: A healthy Beltran represents huge value in OPS leagues. He has the seventh best OPS since 2009 among OFs and posted the ninth best mark at the position just last season. Over the last few seasons, Beltran has increased his walk rate and OBP, and, when healthy has maintained an ISO above .215. Beltran will post a .372 OBP and .487 slugging percentage, meaning an .859 OPS. He has the upside to #1 OF status for your team who you can probably get as your third OF.

Kevin Youkilis: Youkilis (Grey’s geriatric love), who didn’t post an OBP below .390 from 2007-2010, could have been mentioned in the OBP piece (but he’s a no brainer in that format). However, he has posted the 10th best OPS over the last three years. While his 2011 OPS (.833) was low by his standards, it would easily finish top 10 at the position. Outside of health, the only concern entering 2012 is that lack of fly balls from Youkilis last season. Unless he is trading fly balls for liners off the green monster, his slugging percentage will suffer (as it did in 2011). For that reason, Youkilis seems like a .490 slugging guy (oddly right in line with his career number). Add in a .395 OBP and you have an .885 OPS, which would have been second at the position last year and 16th overall. Even if you want to dock him a few more points in SLG and OBP, he’s still a top OPS performer.

Mark Teixeira: Teixeira is tied with Ryan Howard for the 10^th best OPS among first basemen over the last three seasons. Still, that OPS lands him in a tie for 21st overall during that time. OPS, it’s a first baseman’s game. Teixeira shows that you can obtain elite production in OPS from the back-end of the first baseman pool, suggesting waiting on a slugger makes a lot of sense. Teixeira has an .877 OPS with the Yankees and should be good for a .360 OBP and .510 SLG this season, i.e., an .870 OPS, which would have put him among the top 25 players last season and eighth at the position.

Sleeper OPS

Jim Thome: Thome has the 15^th best OPS over the last three years. During that time, he has averaged 27 HRs, a .376 OBP and a .526 SLG. While last season was nowhere close to his near-vintage 2010, it was in line with his production in 2009. For the Phillies, a .360 OBP and .480 SLG is not out of the question. That would give him a solid .840 OPS. The at bats might not be there, but he’s decidedly worth a flier in OPS leagues.

Josh Willingham: Surprisingly, Willingham is tied with Jayson Werth for the 41st best OPS over the last three seasons. That places him tied for 14th among OFs during that span as well. While Willingham’s OBP struggled last season, it was the first time he was in the American League and first time his walk rate dipped below double digits. Clearly some adjustment was needed and Willingham hit far better in the second half. There’s no reason Willingham can’t get his walk rate back to 11.5%, which should push his OBP to at least .355. In addition, he slugged .477 last year in Oakland, so he should have no problem putting up a .470 SLG in Minnesota. This would give Willingham an .825 OPS, which would put him in the top 20 at his position.

Luke Scott: Last season was a disaster for Scott. However, in the previous three years, he averaged a .348 OBP and .497 SLG (.845 OPS). Of course, there is a legitimate chance father time is catching up to Scott as he will be 34 this season. Nevertheless, he is mostly an afterthought in drafts and should be a cheap lottery ticket in OPS leagues.

Matt Joyce: Joyce, 27-years-old, has put up an .829 OPS over the last two seasons. While he took a small step backward in OBP last year (his walk rate was 9.4%), there’s no way he can’t get it back to 11% or so. If he does, he can post a .355 OBP. In addition, Joyce is entering his prime, hit more line drives last year and could be good for a few more extra base hits. A .482 SLG would net him an .837 OPS, making him an incredibly solid option in OPS leagues. In addition, his splits give you a blueprint to use him, i.e., only when a righty is starting.

Dexter Fowler: There aren’t many speed guys who rank among the OPS leaders at their respective positions (and calling Fowler a speed guy might be generous). Fowler’s .796 OPS last season was 29th for OFs and he demonstrated solid growth throughout the season. His three highest OPS months were in the second half and there was a near 200 point gulf between his first half OPS and second half. Fowler has always walked at a good clip and has posted 21%+ line drive rates the last three seasons. A .365 OBP and .435 SLG are not out of the question, which would help him reach a .800 OPS. Those numbers are a tad optimistic, but he could also improve on them. The biggest aspect of Fowler’s game that limits his value is his failure to use his speed. He was 12/21 in SB attempts last year and is 52/80 in his MLB career. Still, Fowler has two important ingredients in a base stealer: speed and OBP. Call Fowler a real big sleeper in OPS leagues.

Taco Bell Black OPS (non)Ballers

There is a bunch of cross-over from the OBP post to the OPS one when it comes to sucky guys for this format (cough shortstops). Alcides Escobar, Ian Desmond, Ichiro and others who don’t get on base a ton and hit a lot of singles lose tremendous value in OPS leagues.

Elvis Andrus: Andrus had the 13^th best OPS among SS last season (behind Erick Aybar, Derek Jeter, Emilio Bonifacio, Yunel Escobar and others). While Andrus has begun to walk at a decent clip and his ISO double last season, his career OBP and SLG are separated by just .003. Andrus will get on base just fine (.350), however his SLG won’t be much higher (.360), leaving him with a pretty terrible .710 OPS. There’s better ways to get 40 SBs than sacrificing that OPS.

Jimmy Rollins: Surprisingly, Rollins posted the 11th best OPS last season at the position and has the 16th best OPS over the last three years. His OPS during that time is lower than Marco Scutaro and Juan Uribe. Rollins’ ISO has trended down since 2007 and has apparently stabilized at .130. While he has begun to walk more, he has also tried to hit more fly balls (potentially to make up for his lack of power), which has zapped his batting average. Consequently, he is giving back the OBP he would have gained with his walks in trying to hit homers. At this point, he looks like a .330 OBP and .400 SLG. He won’t post an OPS much higher than Andrus in 2012.

Michael Bourn: While not as weak as Andrus, Bourn doesn’t drive the ball at all. Bourn maintains value in OBP leagues, but posting around a .700 OPS leaves fantasy owners wanting. Bourn is basically Mark Reynolds in OPS leagues. He provides elite value in one-category while hurting you remarkably in another. He’s not quite as disastrous as Reynolds in average, but it’s probably better to get speed somewhere else.

Alex Rios: Even when Rios was great in 2010, he didn’t crack a .800 OPS. In fact, his OPS over the last three seasons is barely in the top 90 OFs. Even if he bounces back in an optimistic sense (.325 OBP and .440 SLG), that’s a .765 OPS, which would have tied for 34th at the position last year and would be worse than what Jon Jay did.  Right now, he’s ranked 70th at Fleaflicker, which is madness, but even if he were another 100 spots later, I’d pass in an OPS league.

Cameron Maybin: Maybin is an odd case as he walks a decent amount and has the potential to drive the ball (.130 ISO last year, .132 for his career), yet he has a .704 OPS for his career. Still, he has posted mammoth OPS seasons in the minors and is still relatively young, so there is room for optimism. However, not even the most optimistic projections (.350 OBP, .425 SLG) get him to an .800 OPS. In reality, it’s far more likely he posts a .330 OBP and .400 SLG. That marginalizes his 40 steal potential.

The horrid season for Shin-Soo Choo continues.  He’s probably wishing he just went the Bob Feller-Inglorious Basterd route and did his required military time this year in his home country.  Kevin Correia said, “We could’ve used him.”  Now when Choo gets blotto he can’t even hitchhike home from one side of the road.  An optimistic timetable has him out for 6 weeks, but it sounds like Choo doesn’t think he can.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September and, even then, what are you going to get?  The same you’d get off waivers.  If you don’t have DL room, I’d cut him, Mickey.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Tabata – Left the game on a cart with a quad injury after running out a bunt single.  Paula Deen would call that a bunt ache.  Or, as Cameron Frye would say, Tabata Tabata Tabata, stuh-rain, Tabata Tabata.  The Pirates immediately pulled Alex Presley from their Triple-A lineup.  It’s time for the really big shew with today’s guest, Alex Presley.  Girls in poodle skirts go crazy.  I just went over Presley the other day.  I said, “He sticks…longer…profiles…”  Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull.  He’s a 12/20 guy over the course of a season.  In one league instead of Presley, I grabbed Xavier Paul, though Garrett Jones was who the Pirates called on yesterday to replace Tabata.  He would be my first choice too in some fantasy leagues.

Pedro Alvarez – Another setback as he has the worst sophomore effort since The Strokes’ follow-up to Is This It.

Ryan Madson – Having problems gripping the baseball on certain pitches and is sidelined for a few days.  On one hand, he’s had this problem since May 20th so hopefully he can pitch through it.  On the other hand, this sounds bad for a pitcher.  On the third hand that is really just a foot wearing aqua socks, I’d grab Antonio Bastardo and Michael Stutes, in that order, for vulture saves.

Justin Morneau – Out for another 6 weeks with neck surgery.  Lessneau is better than Morneau at this point.

Delmon Young – On the DL with a high ankle sprain.  After having a breakout season in 2010 (.298/21/112), he went on medication to prevent future breakouts (.256/2/21 in 200+ ABs).  The Twins are bringing up Rene Tosoni to try and replace Young’s 0.2 WAR.  Minnesota hasn’t had this high profile of replacement-level performance since Paul Westerberg left town.

Elvis Andrus – Out with a wrist sprain, but says he should be good to go as soon as Tuesday.  Viva la Elvis!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  As Leyland would say, “He’s as cool as menthol cigarettes.”

Alex Avila – Now hitting .303 and is on place for near 20/100.  While the AVG is inflated (.365 BABIP), it’s clear that AA is benefitting from all the time Miguel Cabrera is spending with him.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 home runs on Sunday and one on Saturday staying the mayor of Hot Schmotatown.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4 with the rare catcher slam & legs as he hit ninth behind Blackmon, who’s sunk like a rock, man.

Jay Bruce – Missed yesterday’s game with an illness.  Dusty said, “We have to find a way to quarantine him so he doesn’t get everybody sick.”  I have a better idea, put him with Ramon Hernandez so you have to call up Devin Mesoraco.

Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 5 ER as the Orioles sang, “(Won’t You Go Home At Will On) Homer Bailey.”

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick him up.  Yeah, even you ducking behind your desk trying to hide while you pick your nose.

Johnny Venters – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Venters gives up 4 earned runs in Petco.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  On Saturday, he hit a home run.  He’s now batting near .325 for the month of June with only two home runs.  He’s become pretty yawnstipating during his prime years, but he is currently hitting and can keep the average up.

Jon Niese – Left Saturday’s game with a rapid heartbeat, but was fine on Sunday after taking it Niese and easy.

John Danks – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Figure he’s out for 3-4 weeks.  Just as he was on the road back from an 0-8 record to 3-8.  Next stop 33% winning percentage!  Oh well, Danks for the memories.

Vernon Wells – Homers in back-to-back games.  It pains me to be an apologist for Vernon Wells, but, if you throw out his April, he has 8 homers in his last 92 ABs.  That’s 30 homers over a season.  Now to undercut it — he’s really not doing much else.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3 with a HR and now has hit 3 HRs in his last 10 games.  Finally hitting the baseball like he hits a spliff.

Jonathan Broxton – Scratched from his Triple-A game because of a stiff elbow.  Or a little firmer than al dente.  The Dodgers get saves about as often as I update my hairstyle, so this might be moot, but I’d hold Guerra.

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL with an injury the Giants made up so they didn’t have to watch him walk hitters anymore.  Was a bad weekend to be a pitcher with any variation of the name of Jonathan, though okay for Joe Nathan.

Al Alburquerque – Got his 5th win and now has 46 Ks in 27 2/3 IP.  I hate middle relievers.  There’s no rhyme or reason.  I’d put $20 down that Al Al’etc won’t even be a top 30 middle reliever next year.  These guys are the fantasy baseball equivalent to Icarus.

Luke Scott – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Usually I don my Easter bonnet and start doing The Funky Chicken when Scott hits a home run because where there’s one there’s usually multiple.  But I think he’s really struggling with his shoulder this year.

Jimmy Rollins – 4-for-4 and he stole one base wearing Ryan Howard’s jersey.

Roy Halladay – Complete game victory in Philly against the A’s.  Connie Mack is rolling over in his grave!

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  In three short months, I’ve learned to hate Narveson.  I like him, he gets beat bad, I decide to move on from him and he pitches well.  Grr… Chris Narveson really is the Christian name for The Noid!

Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with a home run and steal.  Gotta love a guy that only gets one hit and fills his fantasy line so well.  Love you, Braun.  Write soon!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – 2-for-4 with his first multi-hit game since his return from the DL.  Would love to see him steal a base, more so I can see if he can.

Jhonny Peralta – Now has 11 homers since June 7th.  Silent H, which only sounds like a euphemism for herpes, has been better than lots of other shortstops.  Hanley, for one.

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 14th home run.  Officially having a better season than Jayson Werth.  Cust kayin’.

Joakim Soria – Has recorded six straight saves and hasn’t given up a run in June.  Has also only walked two hitters all month while striking out 12.  Guess he just needed a pat on the back to get through his May hiccups.

Ricky Romero – A 4-hit shutout against the Cardinals as he plowed right through their Pujols-less lineup.  His 2.74 ERA should be closer to 3.50 but is deflated thanks to a high strand rate (80+%) but his K-rate and BB rates have continually improved over his 2 1/2 seasons.  I just ask that he sticks with Ricky like ‘The Dragon’ did versus start insisting on being called Rick like Mssrs. Nelson and Schroeder.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  Back-to-back games with homers.  Has 2 more home runs than Longoria and 19 more steals.  But everyone hates Upton… Sorry, everyone hates low averages.  Stop dispaveraging!

Evan Longoria – In 6 at-bats, 5 RBIs, 4 hits, 3 runs, 2 home runs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Matt Downs – 2nd pinch hit home run in the last week.  Has a .280 average and .388 OBP.  Nice that the Astros are giving long looks to Clint Barmes and Jeff Keppinger.  Never know what they might give you.  Some days it’s 1-for-4 with a caught stealing and some days it’s 0-for-3 with a sac bunt.  The sky’s the limit!  If I were Ed Wade’s Toupee, I’d trade give away Barmes, Keppinger and Carlos Lee at the trade deadline.

Mark Melancon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  I’d say trouble for his closer’s job, but his setup man, Wilton Lopez dispensed 4 runs in 2 1/3 IP yesterday.

Roy Oswalt – To the DL until August with back pain.  Oswalt was excited about the suggested treatment until he learned that traction has nothing to do with John Deere-branded equipment.

Jair Jurrjens has a xFIP of 3.64 and a K-rate of 5.23.  Sounds like you should brave the trade winds with Jar-Jar.  Or maybe I should say, “Wash that Jurrjens right outta your Jair!”  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns, I get it. You’re right, random italicized voice, lost my shizz there for a second.  Jurrjens’s K-rate is the lowest of his career and it wasn’t that good to begin with.  He did have one of these lucky years before (2009) when he left men on and had some luck with his BABIP, but he was K’ing a little over one more batter per nine innings then.  I can’t imagine Jurrjens keeps anywhere near the ERA he currently has (2.13) with his down peripherals, which was not a Kelsey Grammer movie.  So don’t make the same mistake as George Lucas and fall in love with Jar-Jar.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Charlie Blackmon – Is the vicious homers?  Nope.  Is the haircut?  Nope.  Is it the shoes?  Nope.  Is it the extra long shorts?  Nope.  Is it the short socks?  Nope.  It’s gotta be the steals!

Jordan Schafer – Sticking with the retro Nike feel, I’m mentioning Jordan.  He’s currently hitting, but, in the big picture, he’s just okay.  Jordan is His Fair-ness.

Justin Ruggiano – I wonder if Sam Fuld would pick up Ruggiano on his fantasy team.  On one hand, he knows what it’s like to be a hot schmotato and how fast they can go cold.  On the other hand, Ruggiano is stealing his playing time.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, Ruggiano was much more interesting in the minors leagues than Fuld.  (BTW, I think every baseball player should have to participate in a public fantasy league.  I’d love to see who would actually own themselves, what pitchers hitters would own and vice versa.  Jason Kubel is coming up to bat vs. Brandon Morrow.  You may not own either but after Morrow’s last start Kubel dropped him in his league and now Morrow beans him.  Intrigue!)

Travis Snider – Supposedly, he’s going to get recalled in a few weeks.  Rudy and I were talking over IM about how some guys are just such a tease.  Everyone rushes out to grab Snider every time he gets called up.  Do you forget why he was back on waivers to begin with?  He’s okay as a flyer, but I’m not going crazy with him until he actually shows something.  I’m turning over a new, more conservative leaf.  Now how about Dee Gordon?!

Alexi Casilla – Forget everything you know about Alexi Casilla…Okay, forget that you don’t know anything about Alexi Casilla.  He’s hitting over .400 in the last week and is on pace for 25 steals. (As if you’re gonna keep him on your team all year!  Hahahahahaha….  Mid-haha I totally forgot what I was laughing at.)

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Two Twins middle infielders?  Um… Yay?  I think Nishioka will probably end up with more value than Casilla, but he might take a bit longer to get going.

Dustin Ackley – Just went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while trying to avoid eye contact in my gym’s locker room.

Jemile Weeks – Ackley is gonna have more buzz in fantasy leagues, but I imagine him and Weeks are pretty much the same thing this year.

Eduardo Nunez – If you had Jeter (did you draft him hoping he’d get you laid?) or need a quick one week fill-in, Nunez has speed and some slight power.

Jonathon Niese – For those with a short term memory — hey, who said that?! — I liked Niese in the preseason.  A 3 and a half ERA and solid K’s doesn’t seem to be that farfetched.

Tim Stauffer – This will sound rhetorical, but I’d take an answer.  How does a guy go unowned in so many leagues when he pitches his home games in a stadium where the center field fence has the infinity sign on it?

Andrew Miller – To continue from Stauffer’s blurb… Yet, if Miller pitches well vs. the Padres his ownership will skyrocket.  Miller who’s failed so many times in the major leagues and isn’t even guaranteed a rotation spot.

Jeff Baker – As long as the Cubs sit him vs righties, he’s only an add in deep, daily leagues where you can swap him in and out.

Dayan Viciedo – Kenny Williams said Viciedo is finally ready for the majors.  Ozzie said the same but put a hashtag on it.  He’s hit 10 homers in 62 games in the minors and his 3rd base eligibility makes him immediately ownable.  Though I would like to know where he’s going to play.  If he starts every day at 3rd base, I like him a lot, but he can’t play 3rd.  If he’s off the bench here and there in the outfield, then belch.  If the Sox bench Pierre and play Viciedo, then giddy up.

Luke Scott – Know how Miguel Olivo’s never happy hitting just one home run?  That goes doubly for Luke Scott.  BTW, doubly might be one of my top five favorite words.  When you say it, it’s hard to not sound drunk.

SELL

Michael Young – His counting stats don’t look terrible, but 3 home runs and 4 steals prorated over the whole year sounds Crapolanco-ish.  I wouldn’t drop him, but I’d sweeten a deal with Young and just grab an MI off waivers in leagues where that’s possible.

Josh Beckett – At some point, he’s going to look human again.  It may not be today…Well, it’s definitely not today because he’s not pitching.  It may not be tomorrow…Well, it won’t be tomorrow.  Not pitching then either.  It may not be until July, but at some point it’ll happen.  Don’t believe me, ask Ubaldo about his 1st half last year.

Joe Mauer – Welcome back, Joe!  Now trade him immediately.  Word out of Minnesota is Mauer will be sitting in a beach chair behind the plate to avoid crouching.  I just jumped out of a DeLorean and I have the big news from next year’s baseball preseason.  Bud Selig and Ed Wade switch toupees to raise money for lupus with a fundraising drive called, Raise the Wolf.  The 2nd biggest story:  after another down year in 2011 for Mauer, he will play primarily first base in 2012.  Then everyone will go crazy for a 12 homer hitting 1st baseman thinking he’ll be that much better if he doesn’t have to catch.  Well, that’s for another day (or year).  For this year, Mauer’s all name value.

Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms.  Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman.  You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s.   I break your back!  Make you humble!  And… Well, you can watch the video yourself.  It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot.  From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos.  He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways.  Okay, that was a long sidebar.  As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else.  Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns.  I say, it’s early May and things will change.   To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.”  All these buckets of rain!  I love that song.  Okay, moving on.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Facing the Padres is the ultimate slumpbuster.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5Ks in a no decision.  Beckett suddenly has gone from a 5.78/1.54 to a sub-2.00/sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP.  His dad better re-think his rookie card valuation.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5.  Two hits in one game?!  There hasn’t been a game where he’s done more, no?  The preceding wordplay was brought to you by Highlights Magazine.

Luke Scott – Has a partial tear in his labrum.  I hear that’s common among aspiring female gymnasts.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’d like to Iron Shiek this guy and make him humble.  Can’t someone make the proper call on the Marlins and send him to the Disgraceful List?  He’s useless.  Really bad year to give up avoiding V**quez pitchers.

Gaby Sanchez – Now has homers in back-to-back games while going 7 for his last 8.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Roy Oswalt – Will not be ready to return on Friday.  He said, “Stupid tractor’s got its peddles all flippety-flappety.  I don’t know when I can return.”

Domonic Brown – Hitting well in Triple-A.  Time to start stashing him on your bench.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got pitchslapped by Travis Wood and gave me an aneurysm in my NL-Only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  I’d say he’s better than Napoli but I’m afraid that I might wake up with El Caballo’s head in my bed.

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3.  I liked the 0-for-0′s better.

Ryan Doumit – I saw that he hit a homer last week, but then he was benched.  Then he hit a homer in his next start on Sunday.  Then yesterday he played in his 2nd game in a row and went 3-for-4.  If you play in two catcher leagues, you can grab Doumit, but keep in mind his last name is German for without glove.

Joel Hanrahan – Recorded his 11th save while rocking a 1.42 ERA.  What’s the world coming to?!  Somebody shoot Spider.

Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On Thursday, there’s going to be a post about pitchers that have been unlucky.  Guess who was going to headline it?  You better knock… On Wood!  Yeah, that’s the drawback to writing about a sport that changes every day.  I’d still see if you could get Wood without it costing too much.  And that sounded like a person bargain shopping for brothels.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4  Ks.  I get no pleasure from seeing someone I avoided doing poorly.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Schadenfreude!

Carlos Quentin – A HR and 5 RBIs to up his totals to 8 HR and 23 RBIs.  Party like it’s 2008!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re glad you held tight to Jackson now, huh?  What?  You didn’t hold tight?  Oh, your bad.

Vernon Wells – Strained groin.  I used to strain my groin all the time in high school.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he FIP’ed off his non-owners.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer while he appeals a suspension for bumping an umpire on Saturday.  This is after BJ Upton had a HR and 7 RBIs during the weekend while appealing a suspension.  If only Milton Bradley had just been himself in Seattle…

Milton Bradley – The Mariners designated Bradley for assignment as he wasn’t meeting their offensive standards (double meaning intended).  How bad is it when the Mariners think your hitting isn’t up to snuff?  It’s like the late 70′s Pirates or 80′s Mets dropping you because you do too much coke.  Milton Bradley is upset but at least he wasn’t replaced by one of the Parker brothers.

The Twins’ Francisco Liriano may actually have a Twin.   Let’s call him Diego Liriano (runner-up choices were Jose, Antonio, Luis Obispo, and Fernando Valley).  Maybe Diego pitched his first 5 starts – the ones where Liriano got shelled to the tune of 24 ER, 18 BB, and 27 Hits within 23 2/3 innings.  How else do you explain a Twin with Liriano written on his back throwing a no-hitter last night?  Okay, I suppose you can look at the stats and see that Liriano threw 6 walks and only 2 strikeouts during his no-hitter.  You know how rare that is?  Really, we need to know because Elias Sports Bureau charges for that kind of thing.  I’d steer cleareano of Liriano and/or sell him if he was on my team – no reason to keep a guy with a WIP of 0.67 (WHIP minus the H) if he isn’t K-ing a ton of people.

On to the rest of fantasy baseball news…

Erik Bedard - Managed 7 innings of 2 ER on only 2 H and 2 BB.  More impressively, he managed to avoid an arm injury.  He’s bringing hope to the Rich Hardens and Ben Sheetseses of the world.

Jon Lester – Lestah got his 4th win by giving up only 1 ER and 11 Ks versus the visiting Angels.  Looks like someone isn’t liking all that “Weaver for Cy Young” talk.

Cole Hamels – It was a good night for lefties as Hamels threw a complete game victory against the Nats – giving up only one ER with 6 Ks and 6 baserunners.  That’s now 4 wins for Hamels with 40 Ks in 40 IP, a 2.66 ERA, and a 1.01 WHIP.  Not bad for a 4th starter.

Mike Leake – Wrong night to be a righty (3 2/3 IP, 7 ER).  We streamed Leake in one of our leagues and Leake streamed all over our ERA and WHIP.  The game might’ve been in Cincy but this sure smelled like a Cleveland Streamer.

Zach Braddock – DL with a sleep disorder.  He had 3 Ks on Sunday but obviously fell short of that on Z’s.  They knew it was bad when he fell asleep in the bratwurst tray during the post-game meal.  Luckily, he was pulled out before Prince went-a-forkin’.

Ian Stewart – Recalled from Triple-A.  If you just lost Kung Fu Panda then Mini Mini Donkey is a decent enough flyer… And if the preceding sentence made total sense to you, you might want to go outside once in a while and smell the flowers.

Jonathan Broxton – Brought into a tie game in the top of the 9th, walks 2 of 3 batters, and Mattingly pulls him for Blake Hawksworth.  Blake Hawksworth stayed true to his WWE character and played the heel – letting them both score on a Geovany Soto double.  Personally, I would’ve brought in a masked Vicente Padilla.

Jon Rauch – Blew his first save of the year via a BJ Upton 2-run HR.  That sucks but he had saved 5 in a row before that.  My guess is he still gets the next save opp vs. Frank-Frank.  It’s an important decision that could be the difference between an 80 win season or an 82 win season for the Blue Jays.

Jose Valverde - Redempción for Jose as he gets the save against the Yanks one game after taking the loss.

Scott Sizemore – Called up and rewards Leyland for his delayed belief in him with a 3 for 4 night.  That’s only one less hit than he managed last May (4 for 34).  I’d joke more about how Sizemore sucked last year but Grey still hasn’t gotten over it.  Maybe he can now stop singing his ‘Say Anything’ tribute to him….Scott Sizemore lies more…when he’s 0-for-four….

Fausto Carmona - Played 8 innings of chicken with Tyson Ross and the A’s and won when Fuentes coughed up 3 runs in the top of the 9th.  He’s been on a roll of late but he’s also had some pretty favorable matchups (@OAK, @MIN, home vs. KC and BAL).  I’d say he’s an okay streamer option in mixed leagues when he has a decent matchup but his low K rate and occasional wildness leaves me wary.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got his 2nd save of the season by getting Gaby Sanchez to pop up and Mike Stanton to strike out after he had let two get on via a walk and HBP.  He now has 18 Ks in 11 innings and he definitely probably maybe is the new closer of the Cardinals.  You never know with LaRussa.  Speaking of LaRussa, did you hear that his daughter is going to be an Oakland Raiders cheerleader?  I guess cheering for steroided Oakland athletes runs in the family.

Jose Bautista – Out for a couple of days with an inflamed neck.  I’m sure it’ll subside once he agrees to live up to the deal and hand over his soul to the devil.

Justin Smoak – 3 for 4 with 2 RBIs against his old team (the Rangers).  He’s quickly becoming the most feared Mariner hitter (aside from Milton Bradley of course).

Orlando Hudson - All you Hudson owners who were waiting for the inevitable injury that would sadly put an end Hudson’s improbable SB spree, your wait is over.  Strained hamstring.  Even if he doesn’t go on the DL, that’ll put the kibosh on SBs for the time being.  If he does go on the DL, keep an eye on Eric Patterson who could steal bases in bunches.

Nelson Cruz – Cruz came out of the game with a tight quad.  Does he even have to go to the trainer for these issues anymore?  Hasn’t he learned to treat himself by now – kind of like how Swayze’s character in Roadhouse could stitch himself?

Pedro Alvarez – He also left early with a tight quad which still made him the 4th healthiest 3rd baseman to start on opening day.

Jason Bourgeois – 3 for 5 with 2 doubles, 2 RBIs, and a SB as he filled in for the injured Carlos Lee.  That’s 10 SBs – he’s nearly out-SAGNOFing Bourn.  He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Luke Scott - Another HR for Luke Scott.  That’s 4 in 6 games.  Luke warm is an understatement.  He’s more like Luke Perry (in 1990)!

Mat Latos – The time to buy low on Latos – if there was a time – may be starting to close.  He gave up 2 ER in 6 IP.  Two key points with Latos:  1) He has 30 Ks in 27 IP and 2) He pitches half his games in Petco.

Carlos Pena – Pena finally got his 1st HR of the year.   Pena can now start attending the weekly HAGNOF meetings (how ya doin’, Mr. Branyan!).  One more HR and he’ll be all tied up with Nate Schierholtz!

Nate Schierholtz - The answer to the unasked question of “Who had the most random slam and legs so far in 2011?”  If only Vegas let you play the Slam & Legs exacta, I could spout that it was 10,000-to-1 odds or something like that.  And Bill Simmons could regale us with stories like, “My buddy and I had $100 on Big Papi for the 500-to-1 exacta and he hits a HR in the 3rd.  That was the easy part.  But in the 9th inning, the Sox are down by two and he walks.  He steals 2nd on the next pitch and they call defensive indifference!  I can’t believe I went to the game over watching an ESPN Classic replay of the 1983 Celtics-Knicks ‘Boston Tea Party’ game where Kevin McHale got the whole Knick team in a headlock and Larry Bird tea-bagged each one.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Arrested for DUI.  Soo Choo?  More like Shochu or Soju!  (that joke would kill if we were a Korean or Japanese blog!)  They didn’t even bother to take out the breathalyzer as Choo’s face gave it away.  Damn you Alcohol flush reaction – aka Asian Flush!  Upon told by the cops that his face looked flush, Choo asked what the f**k that meant and was forced to spend the next couple hours riding a tricycle and getting taken in poker.