Fantasy Baseball Advice

I have come to the revelation that I watch way too many baseball games. On average in a week, I watch roughly 30-40 games. I am always looking for trends or nuisances that will aide, but not abet, my fantasy know how. The thing I watch most is pitching. Pitching is the most added and dropped position, based mostly because of depth. So depth is what I give you. I take guys that are owned in less than 50% of leagues and bring you my take on what they are and who they may be in the week ahead. I wish I had the power to give them wins in every start, but chasing wins is the axis of evil in fantasy. So use this low end guide to your advantage and go forth and make me proud. So here are the lesser owned two start fantasy baseball options for the upcoming week. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/1
Josh Tomlin @Tor – Drabek
Mike Leake vs. Mil – Marcum

6/2
Carlos Carrasco vs. Tex – Harrison
Tim Stauffer vs. Hou – W. Rodriguez

6/3
Jason Vargas vs. TB – Hellickson
Carlos Villanueva @ Bal – Bergesen
Bud Norris @ SD – Moseley

Doug Fister (Bal vs. Arrieta, TB vs. Davis) Yeah, that’s what she said. Another pitcher that if he pitched for a better team we would prolly be rostered all over based on his numbers. If you’re going to chase wins, at least do it with a guy who will get you 5 K’s and decent peripherals. ERA under 3 at home.

Dillon Gee (Pit vs. Morton, Atl vs. Jurrjens) Prolly the best name for a baseball player since, Rusty Kuntz. Home ERA of 1.66. You could do a lot worse, i.e. about a 1/8 of an inch down.

Luke Hochevar (Ana vs. Santana, Min vs. Blackburn) The streetwalker’s barber.  If I could find something good to say about him, I would. Umm… he pitches twice this week. If your league is deep enough, it could make sense.

Derek Holland (@TB vs. Davis, @Cle vs. Carmona) 2.51 ERA away from Arlington. Gives up way too many balls in play, BAA is .296. Is “due” for win. Has gone 6 starts without a decision, somewhere Jo-Jo Reyes makes a fist and screams.

Chris Narveson (@Cin vs. Wood, @Fla vs. Volstad) Oh Narvy, first it was Bud Norris that went out of his way to scorn my affection. Now it’s you. Seems like he pitches great than beats himself with the dreaded 6 run HR. ERA better away from the Brewery.

J.A. Happ (@CHC vs. Coleman, @SD vs. Harang) Love the K-rate, but the walks make me sad. You have to watch him to get frustrated with him, and who watches the ’Stros. Away ERA is abysmal but anchored by two bad starts early in the season.

Nick Blackburn (@Det vs. Penny, @KC vs. Hochevar) Last 5 starts, 3-0 21 K’s and an ERA of 1.72. Sounds good to me. Name still sound like a skin disease you contract from a trip to Venezuela.

Brad Penny (Min vs. Blackburn, @CHW vs. Danks) My grandma always said, “See a Penny, pick it up.” She also can’t read fantasy stat lines.  K/9 and BB/9 are almost the same number. If you live under a rock (find a new place to stay), that’s never a good stat to have similar.

Chris Volstad (Ari vs. Saunders, @Mil vs. Narveson) Maybe it’s just me but I love all the Marlins starters. xFIP 2 runs lower than his ERA. Offers you some medium K potential, which is a lot better than rare.

Ryan Vogelsong (@StL vs. Carpenter, Col vs. Hammel) The newest veteran magician to suddenly appear on the fantasy scene. Numbers are just stupid, best of all is the .038 ERA at home.

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”

The Strasburg watch has gone into DEFCON 3. Every expert who calls themselves one, knows the date he is coming up and who he will face and how he will throw exactly 85 pitches with 75 of them being fastballs. Enough already, all this speculation is annoying. He is owned in almost 85% of those leagues(with the exception of leagues where you can’t use minor leaguers). When he comes up if you don’t own him then you’re the fat kid with the short stick. Do I think he will be good?  Yeah, I have seen him traded twice in the last week in my vast array of leagues. One for Shawn Marcum, Adam Jones and a pick, and the other was for Cliff Lee and a draft pick. I’m no judge but he has great value right now. As I basically only own him in one league. So with the Stras watch 2010 behind us, now let’s move onto week 9 two start fellas for fantasy baseball. It offers a busy week of usual suspects at the top of their fantasy games right now. Personally, I am looking forward to a couple of great pitching matchups this week; Timmy vs. Ubaldo on Monday, Tillman vs. Bucholz on Thursday. So, here’s the list of guys I think will not only be available in most leagues but go twice to boot.

Hisanori Takahashi - (@ SD vs. Corriea) (Fla vs. Nolasco)

As I have said previously, if I have any loyal listeners, Takahashi gets by with more deception than stuff. Will get figured out eventually. Any start at Petco is a good start. Mets are in the midst of their best pitching stretch of the year. Great K-rate should continue.

Jason Vargas – (Min vs. Blackburn) (Ana vs. Pineiro)

Been pretty steady considering the Mariners don’t score runs. Has pitched well enough to win last 3 starts.  Not much in the K department. 2 home cooked starts are a plus. Will get battered by the Twins and then settle down for a win later in the week.

Brandon Morrow – (TB vs. Garza) (NYY vs. Vasquez)

Awesome K-rate makes him so appealing. Pitches twice as good at home where his ERA is in the 4’s, and gets 2 starts there albeit against teams that are good at abusing pitchers. Only pitcher in baseball in the top five in BB’s and K’s, there is no award for that.

Kevin Correia – ( NYM vs. Takahashi) (@Phi vs. Blanton)

Gets a home start.  That is all you need. Has been marginal to crappy last 5 starts. Still will get you 5 K’s per outing, if he can keep it on the ground vs. Phils could have himself a sub 3 ERA for the week with 2 wins.

Trevor Cahill – (@ Det vs. Verlander) (Min vs. Liriano)

Has had a few more starts than last time I wrote about him and, well, lookie here… He is hitting his stride. Opponents hitting .221 against him. Great time to get in on him when others may be sleeping.

Mitch Talbot – ( @NYY vs. Pettitte) ( @CHW vs. Peavy)

Has a rabbit’s foot, 3 buffalo nickels and a signed picture of Abe Vigoda in his pocket for luck. Has 40% of Cleveland’s wins. How you ask? Only Scott Baio knows.

Luke Hochevar – (Ana vs. Santana) (Det vs. Verlander)

Can’t be a week if I don’t talk about a KC pitcher. Umm words are elusive right now.  Coming off 2 great starts plus they have a waterfall in their stadium, a waterfall!

Jeremy Bonderman – (Cle vs. Westbrook) ( @KC vs. Bannister)

Starting to look like a ten million dollar pitcher. Has allowed only 4 ER in May. Gets about 6 K’s per outing and his team scores runs for him. Best 2 start matchup guy for the week and the low end pick up o’ the week.

Brett Myers – (Was vs. Stammen) (CHC vs. Gorzellany)

Still doin’ work. Walks entirely too many for my liking. Gets two decent matchups for a team going nowhere but the trade pool. Sneaky guy for 12K’s and a win this week.

John Ely – ( Ari vs. Haren) (Atl vs. Hudson)

How could I not write about a Grey fav. K/BB rate is phenomenal. Gets 2 starters that are scuffling as of late. Any 2 start guy who has his numbers is a no brainer, stay on the bus and enjoy the ride.

Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs.  Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d.  Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize.  Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts.  Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks.  Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson.  I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09.  So sell fast right now?  Not so fast, Paulo.  I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason.  Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine.  Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in.  Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year?  Yup, you betcha.  But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar.  It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter.  Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer.  Unlike Nix.

Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year.  Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting.  I got flummoxed.  “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro.  Votto and Longoria?  Legit 1st round guys next year.  No foolin’, gee.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend.  I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.

Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night.  After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that.  So far, they’re right.  He’s now on pace for 12 homers.  Drop the confetti.

Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx.  He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season.  If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.

Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Was around this time last year when he went on a tear.  Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am.  Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that.  But maybe.  Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.

Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA.  True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.

Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense.  Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way.  Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap.  Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.

Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  Has minimal speed and a decent average.  If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know!  He’s Yunel Escobar!”

Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save.  I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.

Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.”  Oh-kay.  Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw.  He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest.  George Kottaras will take over full-time duty.  He’s not the dad from Webster.

Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer.  Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear.  Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it.  Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp.  The latter, get off my team camp.

Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious.  Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal.  He’s batting .300 on the year.  I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take.  How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300?  Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs.  Or the 4 homers.  Or the 3 steals.  Okay, guess I answered my own question.

Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI.  Now batting, like, .700 in the last week.  It’s not going to last forever.  Get in now.

Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday.  He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say!  Eat the worm!!!  Oh, that rehab.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year.  Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power.  It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point.  That’s assuming he goes on that tear.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.

Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season.  I wish I were being sarcastic.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.

Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey.  He’s figured it out!  Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas.  Is that problem?  Thank you, I’ll await your answer.”  Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas.  Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them.  There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him.  Could Vargas be okay?  Eh, sure.  He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL.  It’s passable for me.

Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June.  Wait, there’s a phone call for me.  Hey, June, what’s up?  Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July?  Thanks, June!

Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze.  I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.

Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing.  If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat.  Should’ve let Heilman finish the game.  Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind.  He has 64 Ks in 63 innings.  ‘Nuff said.  Okay, I’ll give you some more.  His WHIP is 1.13.  BAA is .206.  Halladay who?  Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging.  A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”

Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  Of course he did!  Why wouldn’t he?  There was a game, wasn’t there?  He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”

Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday.  This could be the beginning of the end.  I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros.  Not fair.  Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year.  He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward.  Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.

Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe.  Here’s what I think happened.  Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.

Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other.  He’ll miss at least two weeks.  On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.

John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun.  I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.

The peasant Royals finally called up the first baseman, Kila Ka’aihue, who was blocked by Mike Jacobs last year in a boneheaded move.  His name is not pronounced Killer Kahlua.  Kila has a career .386 OBP in the minor leagues.  I guess Moore has no place for that on his team that has a .325 OBP.  In Stephen’s Minor League Review of the Royals, he wrote, “In 555 Triple-A at-bats (across two years), (Kila’s) hit for a .211 ISO.  The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.  Oh, and for Halloween I want to dress up as Grey but I don’t know how to make my head simultaneously big and stupid.”  Whoa, I gotta start proofreading these Minor League Reviews a little closer.  The only problem with Kila is I’m not sure where the Royals are going to play him.  Grab in deep mixed and AL-Only leagues.  Everyone else, hold your junk until we see how his playing time shakes out and to make sure this Kila is shooting something besides BBs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5 with a homer as the Royals finally called up another guy.  If you’re hurting for average, Aviles could provide some support, bra.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hochevar wants you to fall for the old banana in the tailpipe again.  Don’t do it.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Out until Friday with a tight left quad.  Hopefully, on Friday it’s not a split quad game.  Yeah, that probably made no sense.

Stephen Strasburg – The Nats moved the carrot a little closer to their fans, promoting Strasburg to Triple-A.  If you build the hype, they will come.  Get your House of Strasburg gear ready for a mid-June call-up.  I don’t own Strasburg anywhere and am trying to stay away from the hype, but it’s out there in full force.  If you do have Strasburg, I’m going to tell you to sell him as his hype peaks in June.  If you don’t own him and he’s sitting on waivers, I’d grab him so when the hype crescendos you can exploit it.

Livan Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Now has 4 wins and a 0.99 ERA.  In other news, water is dry.

Tyler Clippard – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER for his 7th Hold.  Now has a 0.46 ERA and a 0.86 WHIP with 25 Ks in 19 2/3 IP.  Need help with those ratios, there ya go.

Steven Pearce – The Pirates recalled their Quad-A phenom, Pearce.  This could significantly hurt Clement’s playing time.  Don’t the Pirates know my fantasy teams are Ron Popeil’ing Jeff Clement in their catcher slot?  This news to me is like the mint to Mr. Creosote.  I was fine with Grandy getting injured, with Quentin sucking on the suckwagon, even with Filthy Sanchez not having a great last start, but now I’m losing my every day catcher?  *explosion*

Jeff Clement – 0-for-3, as he hits .164.  Speaking of Quad-A players, he’s really doing nothing to warrant every day at-bats anyway.  I’d start to look elsewhere.

Octavio Dotel – 1 IP, 0 ER and the Save.  Proving that old fantasy baseball idiom, even a broken closer is right twice a month.

Geovany Soto – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer as he bats .323 on the year.  It’s shame that he’s batting so low in the order because he only has 9 RBIs.  Testing my power of persuasion:  the Cubs should move Aramis down in the order.  His .149 average warrants it.

Alfonso Soriano – Now has 5 homers in the last 4 games and he’s batting .321.  He’s a spry Latin 34, I tell ya.

Clayton Kershaw – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER when Ramon Ortiz relieved him.  I wonder how many Dodger fans thought this was a Ramon Ortiz masterpiece since no one in LA shows up to the game until the 3rd inning.  Obviously, a terrible Kershaw start, but he had some in the beginning of last year too.  Now’s not the time to panic.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4 as he hit his 7th homer and bats .364.  I don’t talk much about the top hitters in the game, assuming they’re hitting as they should be, so there’s nothing really to say about Longoria, except he’s putting together an MVP season.

James Shields – 8 IP, 2 ER, 10 Ks.  Now the AL Ks leader, which fittingly enough makes me want to drink.

Franklin Morales – He’s kinda losing his shizz right in front of our eyes.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see Corpas or Betancourt get a crack at a save in the case of Sooner vs. Later.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 6 for his last 11 with a homer.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Pierre – Now has 5 steals in the last three games.  SAGNOF!

Jose Contreras – Charlie Manuel said he may look at Contreras to close out some games if Lidge can’t go.  This sounds like hooey.  Only go near Contreras in the most desperate of scenarios.

Brad Lidge – In a non-move that spoke wonders, Manuel didn’t bring Lidge in to close out a 1-0 game.  Pujols wasn’t even due up, though he was wearing his, “I Own Lidge And All I Got Was This Stupid Shirt” shirt.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, 1 Fan Running Onto The Field, Zero Tasering, 2 Bad.

A.J. Burnett – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He had his curve working for the first time all year and the Ks returned.  I do believe he pitched well partially out of spite because his long-time nemesis, Posada, wasn’t catching.

Joba Chamberlain – Got the save as Mo got, uh, mo rest.  Supposedly, Mariano will be back by Friday, but better to be safe than sorry and grab Joba.

Yunel Escobar – Heads to the 15-day DL with a strained left groin.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right.  Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and hitting well.  So the good news is Yunel received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-2 with his 8th homer yesterday.  In a move that’s going to make you question why on Earth you ask me anything, I dropped Heyward last week in one of my leagues.  It was a 12 team league with no bench and, well, I’m dumb.

Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rockies.  Guess where this start was?  It rhymes with Repko.  LeBlanc gets the Giants next then the Dodgers at home.  Nice matchups there, now grab him.

Kyle Blanks – 0-for-2 as he bats .189 on the year.  Blanks is proving to be quite the aptronym (Word of the Day!).

Travis Snider – Now 5-for-9 in his last two games with a homer and a steal.  Might not be anything, but if he’s coming around and was dropped in your league, you should pick him up.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  About as ugly as you can get for a complete game.  I will call you, Blechburn.

J.R. Towles – Sent to the minors as the Astros threw in the *pinkie to mouth* Towles.  Don’t get me wrong, Towles hasn’t been good, but the Astros had to get Humberto Quintero back into the lineup?  Whatevs, I’m not trying to figure it out.

Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER as Oswalt threw 7 IP but gave up a run.  The baby boomers will be happy; this time Kennedy took out Oswalt.