Fantasy Baseball Advice

Luke Hochevar – After high school, Hochevar was selected in the 39th round of the 2002 draft by the Los Angeles Dodgers. To hell with that, he said, I’m going to Tennessee to follow Arrested Development and Tee Martin.

It turned out to be a darn good choice for Hochevar. In 2005, he set a school record for strikeouts, was named SEC player of the year and took home the prestigious Roger Clemens Award (given to the top D-I pitcher). For reasons unknown (wink), the award was discontinued in 2009 after only six years in existence. In addition to Hochevar, the other award winners are Jered Weaver, Andrew Miller, David Price and Aaron Crow.

Following his acclaimed college career, the Dodgers drafted Hochevar again, though this time in the first round (although 40th overall). As with so many other amateur players who are “advised” by Scott Boras, Hochevar’s negotiation with the Dodgers was long and contentious. At one point, Hochevar actually dumped Boras for another agent and accepted a $2.98 million signing bonus. The next day, however, Hochevar reunited with Boras and promptly reneged on the deal. Suffice it to say, nobody should have been surprised when the signing deadline passed and Hochevar was not a Dodger.

Hochevar re-entered the draft in 2006 and was selected first overall by Kansas City. The Royals showed him the money; Hochevar signed a four-year major league deal worth $5.3 million guaranteed, which included a $3.5 million signing bonus and additional incentives worth $1.7 million.

Hochevar began his professional career in 2007 (after being rated the #32 best prospect), pitching 152 innings between AA and AAA. Unfortunately, he didn’t fare all that well at either level. In AA, he had a 4.69 ERA, 1.45 WHIP, but an incredibly impressive 3.62 K:BB rate. At AAA, he had a 5.12 ERA, 1.28 WHIP and less impressive 2.10 K:BB rate. Still, he was only 23.

In 2008, Hochevar, now the #63 best prospect, showed some impressive chops in AAA in the Pacific Coast League, a tough hitter’s league. He impressed the brass so much that he was promoted to the woeful major league squad. He didn’t get much of a welcome basket though, as he teammates gave him the lowest run support of any major league pitcher (2.8 runs per game). Still, it wasn’t entirely his teammate’s fault that he had a 6-12 record. He had a miserable 5.02 K/9 rate and an even more miserable 3.28 BB/9 rate, i.e. a 1.52 K:BB rate – that won’t cut it. His bullpen didn’t help much (62.3% strand rate) either.

Undeterred, the Royals continued to run him out there every fifth day in 2009. While his ERA was worse, the underlying numbers suggested Hochevar actually took a small step forward. He had a 6.67 K/9 rate, a 2.90 BB/9 rate and a 2.30 K:BB rate – something that could work on the major league level. He gave up a few more HRs than would seem logical, had a somewhat inflated BABIP (.321 compared to .300 for his career) and an even worse strand rate (59.3%) than in 2008.

Prior to 2010, the claim could be made that that Hochevar was improving, albeit incrementally. Well, if you look at his 2010 round numbers – 4.81 ERA and 1.43 WHIP – it sure looks like the same ole crapola. However, he maintained a K:BB rate above 2.0 and his FIP was 3.93 (xFIP was 4.09) – certainly subtly positive signs.

Unfortunately, the incremental progress has stalled almost completely in 2011. His K/9 rate (5.12) is back in the sewer and his HRs are up. He has his first south-of-.300 BABIP, yet is wasting it completely.

I really thought, at this point, Hochevar would be an average MLB starter, someone in the Jeremy Guthrie mold who could do some nice things. While this belief has not come to fruition, it is still possible for him to take the necessary step forward.

Over his last 32.2 IPs and five starts, Hochevar has 26 Ks, a 3.58 ERA and a 1.19 WHIP. He has walked just 10 batters. There is some momentum with Hochevar that I find appealing, especially in deep leagues where you have to gain some Ks from unlikely sources. (This was written before his latest start against the Boston Red Sox, which wasn’t great: 6 IPs, five ER, eight hits, three walks and four Ks. Still, going back to July 3, he has pitched 47.2 IPs with a 4.72 ERA and 37 Ks to 19 walks and he has the 30th most Ks over the last 30 days. )

He’s still barely a match-ups plays. However, if he keeps this up, he could be a nice bargain now and in 2012.  Plus, you get to say Hochevar, which I find fun. It reminds me of a fine cheese like manchego.

Mike Carp – If you don’t know the story of Mike Carp (for some reason I feel like I’m beginning the narration of Big Fish), well, sit a-spell. Also, how could you not know the ins and outs of the New York Mets 2004 ninth round draft pick? In 2005, and just 19 years old, Carp hit 19 bombs over 89 games in A ball. The following season, at the A+ level, he posted a .287/.379/.450 line and won the Sterling Award as the Mets organization player of the year.

Following this early success, Carp seemed destined to eventually win a job with the parent club. Unfortunately, he broke his finger in 2007 and stumbled to a .251/.337/.387 line in AA.

Repeating AA in 2008, and now 22, Carp returned to form: .299/.403/.471 – yep, a .400+ OBP and 17 HRs. He was on his way…to Seattle.

On December 11, 2008, Carp, as part of a three team deal, was sent to Seattle along with a few other guys including Jason Vargas, Endy Chavez and Aaron Heilman for what amounted to J.J. Putz (the ghost of Jeremy Reed’s prospect was also involved).

Carp spent most of his time in AAA for the Mariners and looked good, going .271/.372/.446 with 15 HRs in 110 games. I know I had an eye on him when he made his major league debut, especially after he went .315/.415/.463 in his first 65 MLB plate appearances.

However, it wasn’t enough to get Carp full time duties in 2010 and he was sent back to AAA. Carp scuffled the entire season (though he showed some fantastic power), going .257/.328/.516 and notching just seven hits in 41 plate appearances in the Show. Of course, Carp, after posting BABIPs well over .300 the last previous seasons in minors, finished with just a .259 average on balls in play.

The bloom was definitely not off the rose yet. Carp came out blazing in 2011, hitting .347/.414/.653 in AAA with 21 HRs in just 66 games. He hasn’t stopped in the majors either: .325/.382/.517 with six homers in 40 games.

While I’ve been overwhelmingly positive about Carp, I must mention the gargantuan elephant in the room: his .410 BABIP. He does have an unprecedented 29.7% line drive rate, but he is swinging and missing a ton: 14.9% and striking out a fair bit: 24.2%. It’s only a matter of time before major league pitchers make the adjustment and give him the Delmon Young treatment (i.e., nothing good to hit). Still, the kid is capable of taking a pitch and should be able to handle that bump. Until that bump comes, however, you need to be starting him in most every league. He is that locked in. I haven’t been this excited since Kevin Bass went .244/.303/.336 for the Orioles in 1995, and then promptly retired.

Brandon McCarthy – About seven years ago, Brandon McCarthy was on his way to being better known than Andrew McCarthy. As a 20-year-old, splitting time between A, A+ and AAA, McCarthy, a former 17th round draft pick of the White Sox in 2002, posted a 3.14 ERA and 0.95 WHIP. He struck out 202 batters in just 172 innings and walked only 30. He had a 6.73 K:BB rate.

Before 2005, McCarthy was rated the #49 prospect and looked good at AAA: 3.92 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 9.8 K/9 rate and 4.06 K:BB rate. He was brought up to the major league club, appeared in 12 games and started 10. If you looked at the cosmetics, his 4.03 ERA and 1.18 WHIP certainly foretold greatness. However, he had a .249 BABIP, an 81.2% strand rate and only posted a 6.45 K/9 rate.

The White Sox didn’t want to stress the young hurler, so they kept him in the bullpen for most of 2006. His strikeout rates benefitted, but he walked more guys and didn’t resemble anything near a top 50 prospect – finishing with a 4.68 ERA, 5.30 FIP and 4.60 xFIP.

In the offseason, he was shipped to Texas for, predominantly, John Danks and Nick Masset – that one didn’t work out so well for Rangers.

McCarthy posted dismal K numbers during his first year with Texas and increased his walks, some of which might have been due to injury. After just 22 starts, the Rangers shut McCarthy down due to a stress fracture in his right shoulderblade.

McCarthy developed inflammation in his right elbow during Spring Training the next year and missed a sizeable chunk of the season. He pitched in the majors sparingly for Texas in 2009, but his time with the major league squad was done after that season. Overall, he pitched just 221 IPs with a 4.68 ERA, 1.44 WHIP and 1.46 K:BB ratio for the big league club. He was worth barely one win above a replacement player during his tenure.

He did pitch 56 innings in the minors in 2010 for the Rangers. He looked good: 3.36 ERA, 1.10 WHIP and a 4.00 K:BB ratio. However he was granted free agency on November 5, 2010.

The Oakland Athletics made a play for McCarthy and signed him on December 14, 2010.

While battling chronic injuries, McCarthy has been a boon to a beleaguered Athletics rotation. He has taken the ball 18 times now, spread across 118 innings – the most he has pitched in the majors in any season. He has his same old pedestrian K-rate (5.87) but he has really cut down on his walks (just 1.37), giving himself a fantastic 4.28 K:BB rate. Apparently pitching in a more forgiving ballpark has given McCarthy the confidence to just throw strikes.

While his strand rate is a little generous (63.7%), it is mostly due to a stellar bullpen and a lack of homeruns – two things that seem to be constants for the A’s. His ERA (3.74), FIP (2.82) and xFIP (3.39) all paint a rosy picture for the one-time stud.

McCarthy, just recently 28, is a nice pitcher who can help control your ratios down the stretch. He’s a prefect compliment to someone like Bud Norris or Ryan Dempster, who bring the Ks, but also the high ratios. He is only 19% owned, so go out and get him for the stretch run.

I have come to the revelation that I watch way too many baseball games. On average in a week, I watch roughly 30-40 games. I am always looking for trends or nuisances that will aide, but not abet, my fantasy know how. The thing I watch most is pitching. Pitching is the most added and dropped position, based mostly because of depth. So depth is what I give you. I take guys that are owned in less than 50% of leagues and bring you my take on what they are and who they may be in the week ahead. I wish I had the power to give them wins in every start, but chasing wins is the axis of evil in fantasy. So use this low end guide to your advantage and go forth and make me proud. So here are the lesser owned two start fantasy baseball options for the upcoming week. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/1
Josh Tomlin @Tor – Drabek
Mike Leake vs. Mil – Marcum

6/2
Carlos Carrasco vs. Tex – Harrison
Tim Stauffer vs. Hou – W. Rodriguez

6/3
Jason Vargas vs. TB – Hellickson
Carlos Villanueva @ Bal – Bergesen
Bud Norris @ SD – Moseley

Doug Fister (Bal vs. Arrieta, TB vs. Davis) Yeah, that’s what she said. Another pitcher that if he pitched for a better team we would prolly be rostered all over based on his numbers. If you’re going to chase wins, at least do it with a guy who will get you 5 K’s and decent peripherals. ERA under 3 at home.

Dillon Gee (Pit vs. Morton, Atl vs. Jurrjens) Prolly the best name for a baseball player since, Rusty Kuntz. Home ERA of 1.66. You could do a lot worse, i.e. about a 1/8 of an inch down.

Luke Hochevar (Ana vs. Santana, Min vs. Blackburn) The streetwalker’s barber.  If I could find something good to say about him, I would. Umm… he pitches twice this week. If your league is deep enough, it could make sense.

Derek Holland (@TB vs. Davis, @Cle vs. Carmona) 2.51 ERA away from Arlington. Gives up way too many balls in play, BAA is .296. Is “due” for win. Has gone 6 starts without a decision, somewhere Jo-Jo Reyes makes a fist and screams.

Chris Narveson (@Cin vs. Wood, @Fla vs. Volstad) Oh Narvy, first it was Bud Norris that went out of his way to scorn my affection. Now it’s you. Seems like he pitches great than beats himself with the dreaded 6 run HR. ERA better away from the Brewery.

J.A. Happ (@CHC vs. Coleman, @SD vs. Harang) Love the K-rate, but the walks make me sad. You have to watch him to get frustrated with him, and who watches the ’Stros. Away ERA is abysmal but anchored by two bad starts early in the season.

Nick Blackburn (@Det vs. Penny, @KC vs. Hochevar) Last 5 starts, 3-0 21 K’s and an ERA of 1.72. Sounds good to me. Name still sound like a skin disease you contract from a trip to Venezuela.

Brad Penny (Min vs. Blackburn, @CHW vs. Danks) My grandma always said, “See a Penny, pick it up.” She also can’t read fantasy stat lines.  K/9 and BB/9 are almost the same number. If you live under a rock (find a new place to stay), that’s never a good stat to have similar.

Chris Volstad (Ari vs. Saunders, @Mil vs. Narveson) Maybe it’s just me but I love all the Marlins starters. xFIP 2 runs lower than his ERA. Offers you some medium K potential, which is a lot better than rare.

Ryan Vogelsong (@StL vs. Carpenter, Col vs. Hammel) The newest veteran magician to suddenly appear on the fantasy scene. Numbers are just stupid, best of all is the .038 ERA at home.

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”

The Strasburg watch has gone into DEFCON 3. Every expert who calls themselves one, knows the date he is coming up and who he will face and how he will throw exactly 85 pitches with 75 of them being fastballs. Enough already, all this speculation is annoying. He is owned in almost 85% of those leagues(with the exception of leagues where you can’t use minor leaguers). When he comes up if you don’t own him then you’re the fat kid with the short stick. Do I think he will be good?  Yeah, I have seen him traded twice in the last week in my vast array of leagues. One for Shawn Marcum, Adam Jones and a pick, and the other was for Cliff Lee and a draft pick. I’m no judge but he has great value right now. As I basically only own him in one league. So with the Stras watch 2010 behind us, now let’s move onto week 9 two start fellas for fantasy baseball. It offers a busy week of usual suspects at the top of their fantasy games right now. Personally, I am looking forward to a couple of great pitching matchups this week; Timmy vs. Ubaldo on Monday, Tillman vs. Bucholz on Thursday. So, here’s the list of guys I think will not only be available in most leagues but go twice to boot.

Hisanori Takahashi - (@ SD vs. Corriea) (Fla vs. Nolasco)

As I have said previously, if I have any loyal listeners, Takahashi gets by with more deception than stuff. Will get figured out eventually. Any start at Petco is a good start. Mets are in the midst of their best pitching stretch of the year. Great K-rate should continue.

Jason Vargas – (Min vs. Blackburn) (Ana vs. Pineiro)

Been pretty steady considering the Mariners don’t score runs. Has pitched well enough to win last 3 starts.  Not much in the K department. 2 home cooked starts are a plus. Will get battered by the Twins and then settle down for a win later in the week.

Brandon Morrow – (TB vs. Garza) (NYY vs. Vasquez)

Awesome K-rate makes him so appealing. Pitches twice as good at home where his ERA is in the 4’s, and gets 2 starts there albeit against teams that are good at abusing pitchers. Only pitcher in baseball in the top five in BB’s and K’s, there is no award for that.

Kevin Correia – ( NYM vs. Takahashi) (@Phi vs. Blanton)

Gets a home start.  That is all you need. Has been marginal to crappy last 5 starts. Still will get you 5 K’s per outing, if he can keep it on the ground vs. Phils could have himself a sub 3 ERA for the week with 2 wins.

Trevor Cahill – (@ Det vs. Verlander) (Min vs. Liriano)

Has had a few more starts than last time I wrote about him and, well, lookie here… He is hitting his stride. Opponents hitting .221 against him. Great time to get in on him when others may be sleeping.

Mitch Talbot – ( @NYY vs. Pettitte) ( @CHW vs. Peavy)

Has a rabbit’s foot, 3 buffalo nickels and a signed picture of Abe Vigoda in his pocket for luck. Has 40% of Cleveland’s wins. How you ask? Only Scott Baio knows.

Luke Hochevar – (Ana vs. Santana) (Det vs. Verlander)

Can’t be a week if I don’t talk about a KC pitcher. Umm words are elusive right now.  Coming off 2 great starts plus they have a waterfall in their stadium, a waterfall!

Jeremy Bonderman – (Cle vs. Westbrook) ( @KC vs. Bannister)

Starting to look like a ten million dollar pitcher. Has allowed only 4 ER in May. Gets about 6 K’s per outing and his team scores runs for him. Best 2 start matchup guy for the week and the low end pick up o’ the week.

Brett Myers – (Was vs. Stammen) (CHC vs. Gorzellany)

Still doin’ work. Walks entirely too many for my liking. Gets two decent matchups for a team going nowhere but the trade pool. Sneaky guy for 12K’s and a win this week.

John Ely – ( Ari vs. Haren) (Atl vs. Hudson)

How could I not write about a Grey fav. K/BB rate is phenomenal. Gets 2 starters that are scuffling as of late. Any 2 start guy who has his numbers is a no brainer, stay on the bus and enjoy the ride.

Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs.  Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d.  Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize.  Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts.  Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks.  Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson.  I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09.  So sell fast right now?  Not so fast, Paulo.  I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason.  Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine.  Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in.  Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year?  Yup, you betcha.  But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar.  It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter.  Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer.  Unlike Nix.

Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year.  Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting.  I got flummoxed.  “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro.  Votto and Longoria?  Legit 1st round guys next year.  No foolin’, gee.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend.  I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.

Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night.  After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that.  So far, they’re right.  He’s now on pace for 12 homers.  Drop the confetti.

Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx.  He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season.  If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.

Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  Was around this time last year when he went on a tear.  Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am.  Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that.  But maybe.  Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.

Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA.  True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.

Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense.  Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way.  Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap.  Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.

Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  Has minimal speed and a decent average.  If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know!  He’s Yunel Escobar!”

Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save.  I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.

Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.”  Oh-kay.  Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw.  He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest.  George Kottaras will take over full-time duty.  He’s not the dad from Webster.

Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer.  Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear.  Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it.  Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp.  The latter, get off my team camp.

Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious.  Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal.  He’s batting .300 on the year.  I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take.  How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300?  Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs.  Or the 4 homers.  Or the 3 steals.  Okay, guess I answered my own question.

Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI.  Now batting, like, .700 in the last week.  It’s not going to last forever.  Get in now.

Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday.  He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say!  Eat the worm!!!  Oh, that rehab.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year.  Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power.  It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point.  That’s assuming he goes on that tear.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.

Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season.  I wish I were being sarcastic.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.

Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey.  He’s figured it out!  Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas.  Is that problem?  Thank you, I’ll await your answer.”  Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas.  Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them.  There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him.  Could Vargas be okay?  Eh, sure.  He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL.  It’s passable for me.

Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June.  Wait, there’s a phone call for me.  Hey, June, what’s up?  Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July?  Thanks, June!

Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze.  I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.

Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing.  If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat.  Should’ve let Heilman finish the game.  Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind.  He has 64 Ks in 63 innings.  ‘Nuff said.  Okay, I’ll give you some more.  His WHIP is 1.13.  BAA is .206.  Halladay who?  Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging.  A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”

Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  Of course he did!  Why wouldn’t he?  There was a game, wasn’t there?  He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”

Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Was inevitable, wasn’t it?  Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday.  This could be the beginning of the end.  I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros.  Not fair.  Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year.  He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward.  Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.

Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.

Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe.  Here’s what I think happened.  Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.

Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other.  He’ll miss at least two weeks.  On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.

John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun.  I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.