Fantasy Baseball Advice

What’s the difference between the ‘Stros and Stroh’s beer? The beer has an H.  ‘Stros couldn’t manage one. While 110 pitches is a slight stretch for Zambrano given he had missed 2 starts to injury, that was just an exhibition game’s amount of work when Dusty was coaching him. If anyone could throw an 150 pitch no-hitter like the type we used to throw in Wiffle Ball, it was Zambrano. This was the first no-hitter for the Cubs since 1972 which was also the last year that they were within 65 years of a championship. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Price - In a relief appearance today against the Yankees, David Price made his major league debut. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, gave up 2 ER (only one really, the other scored off Hammel after he left) and he looked impressive against a top-notch offense. He’s scheduled for one start on September 23rd against the Orioles. He’s worth the spot start and he might have some value as a middle reliever for AL-Only teams the rest of the year, but David Price’s real value is in keeper leagues and for next year.

Max Scherzer - 6 IP, 1 ER with 9 Ks. Scherzer took it to the Reds like he was McCarthy.

Andy LaRoche - 3-for-4, but they were all singles. It’ll be interesting to see if the Pirates give LaRoche a chance to play next spring. It’ll be even more interesting to see if Andy LaRoche can live up to his billing as the superior LaRoche brother. Our prediction is that their performance doesn’t get the Pittsburgh faithful singing “We Are Family” anytime soon.

Aaron Cook - 8 IP, 0 ER, might have some value down the stretch if you’re streaming starters. Cook’s usually a pretty reliable, just above average pitcher.

Kevin Gregg - Pulled after pitching to one batter in the ninth. Lindstrom’s still the closer, he was just overworked. Gregg’s about as likely to take over the closer role again as the Marlins are to having a Fidel Castro Bobblehead Doll Day.

Phil Hughes - Will get the start this Wednesday against the White Sox. That doesn’t mean he needs to be on your team.

Vladimir Guerrero - Will sit out three to four games this week. I told you to drop Vlad the other day.

Andre Ethier - Missed the last two games of the Rockies series because his wife is giving birth. Will return to the team on Monday. Why isn’t Juan Pierre helping Ethier’s wife with Lamaze? Or freakin’ James Loney.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis! No, I am Sparkakis!

Oscar Salazar - 2 HRs. Who? Some total schmohawk, but he also went deep on Saturday. These last two days are surely aberrations (Word of the Day), but if he puts some aberrations together to turn them into regulariocities (Made Up Word of the Day), then you might want to grab him in H2H leagues.

Radhames Liz - 8 IP, 0 ER. Not an option in any league. Unless you’re in a league where your pitchers’ first names have to sound like an expensive condom.

Nick Blackburn - 4 IP, 6 ER. His last name and strikeout totals make him sound like a Pirate. He’s not, he’s a Twin and he has excellent command, which makes him yawnstipating but effective.

Oliver Perez - 7 IP, 2 ER. So consistently inconsistent that it was only fitting that the Mets’ consistently inconsistent bullpen blew his chance at a win.

Luis Ayala - Blew a big game for the Mets. The kind of game that pundits point to as the one that got away. Obviously no one ever told pundits it’s impolite to point. The blown save and breach of etiquette caused Billy Wagner to cry again.

Cameron Maybin - Will be called up on Monday. Could be cheap steals if the Marlins play him. SAGNOF.

Matt Garza - Will start on three days rest on Wednesday. This isn’t great news. He had a nice rhythm going where he was good every other start. This move might throw off his rhythm.

Jeremy Sowers - In three innings, Sowers gave up 3 ER on 75 pitches. Or about half as many pitches Lincecum threw in a shutout on Saturday.

Justin Upton - HR yesterday that went about 450 feet to straightaway center. I’ll be getting excited about this guy in the offseason.

Shane Victorino - HR in the first game, 4-for-4 in the second game. The Flyin’ Hawaiian got his wings back.

Brett Myers - 9 IP, 1 ER and only 2 hits. Afterwards, Brett felt really bad saying he didn’t mean two-hitter.

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Brad Lidge, PHI (Ryan Madson, Chad Durbin)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain, Jose Veras)
5. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
6. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields, Justin Speier)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers)
9. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo, Joe Beimel)
10. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
11. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
12. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
13. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
14. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
15. Frank Francisco, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
16. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
17. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
18. Chris Perez, STL (Ryan Franklin, Chris Carpenter)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and broke Pena’s thumb with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol, Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Matt Capps/John Grabow, PIT (Denny Bautista)
21. Brad Ziegler, OAK (Huston Street, Joey Devine)
22. Jensen Lewis, CLE (Rafael Betancourt, Rafael Perez)
23. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth)
24. J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
26. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Saul Rivera)
27. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
28. Luis Ayala, NYM (Billy Wagner, Aaron Heilman, Al Reyes, Duaner Sanchez)
29. Matt Lindstrom/Joe Nelson, FLA (Kevin Gregg)
30. Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate, Jim Palmer, Senator Clay Davis, BAL (George Sherrill)

Let’s take a quick stroll down memory lane for what we’ve said about Ryan Zimmerman this season, “Out with a shoulder injury. Recovering from a wrist injury. We recommend that they just amputate the arm, put on a new one, and call him Ryan Zimmerhands,” “Being outslugged by Aaron Boone. Awesome!” “A man with a ’stache drafts Ryan Zimmerman and then drops him just after the draft — Just. To. Prove. A. Point. That’s what a man with a ’stache does.” Yesterday, Zimmerman hit his 1st homer since returning in July. That’s right, he has one home run since the All-Star break. He has nine homers on the year. With a three hole hitter like this, any wonder why the Nats are terrible? Zimmerman should’ve had surgery for this shoulder issue. The Nats should’ve forced it. Now they’re risking ‘09. Really bad decision making on all parties involved. Probably wait to hear about offseason surgery or how he looks in spring training, but as of right now, I’m not a fan for ‘09 either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Schafer - To update my excitement from yesterday’s post where I mentioned Schafer. Baby’s black balloon deflates. Wren, Braves GM, says Schafer’s not being called up in September.

Johan Santana - Was he outdueled by Kyle Kendrick? C’mon, seriously?

Josh Hamilton - Out with an abscessed tooth. If he needs oral surgery, can he have painkillers? That’s a serious question. I’m curious.

Dan Wheeler - Picked up his fifth save in the last week and a half. Didn’t I say he was going to be the closer? Even when everyone was saying Balfour would get the saves? Whatever. I don’t understand how everyone can still listen to those schmohawks over at Yahoo when they say shizz like, “Carlos Gomez is not in the lineup according to the Twins.” These things are effin’ automated. No one’s behind the wheel of that jalopy of a fantasy site. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out why people use Yahoo instead of ESPN. There will be more on this subject in the winter and going into the spring. I don’t like the ESPN fantasy ‘perts, but at least their player news makes sense. “Yahoo Fantasy News doesn’t make sense according to Yahoo Fantasy News.”

Juan Rivera - Got into the game at 2nd base. It was a fluky thing and he won’t see any more time there, but, if your league has one game elgibility, this could be huge.

Gio Gonzalez - 3 IP, 4 ER. Just doesn’t seem ready yet outside of matchups. Drizz-opped.

Josh Johnson - CG, 1 ER, 8 K. Been terrific since returning and I’ll be the first one to tell you I didn’t want any part of him this year. It’s fine, I was just erring on the side of caution. At this point, even I would pick him up. Of course, now I’ve just jinxed him.

Matt Harrison - 6 2/3 innings and 1 ER for the victory. He’s starting against the Mariners next week and I’m still not looking at him unless the league is, as the kids say, hella deep.

Pablo Sandoval - HR yesterday as he got the start at third base then was moved to 1st. Unfortunately, I went out and missed this game. Would’ve loved to see someone lay down a bunt and watch Bengie and Sandoval converge. Lincecum, “Nooooooo!!!”

Tim Lincecum - Speaking of “Nooooooo!!!” Member how people were worried Lincecum’s innings were piling up? Yesterday, Bochy Dustied Lincecum for 132 pitches.

Matt Garza - I spotted him in a ten team league and was rewarded. Will not start him next time out against the Yanks, then I’ll start him the next time out against the Jays. As Montell Jordan sang, “This is how we do it…”

Jensen Lewis - Kazaam!

Luis Ayala - Well, it’s about freakin’ time! We officially have a Mets closer. (This will change by this weekend.)

Randy Johnson - 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks. In a ten team league, he’s more than replaced Maine. I don’t think Pedro’s going to be pitching this well, or at all at the age of 44. It’s probably unfair to say that because of their body types are so completely different, but why do I have to be fair? Who said, “Grey, be fair.”  I’m not cutting up cake to share with my sister while she screams, “Mom, Grey’s not being fair!” No, that’s not what’s going on at all. In fact, I don’t have a sister. Geez.

Kelly Shoppach - 17th HR yesterday. Victor Martinez is in the minors. Waking comatose Indians fan, “Huh? Shoppach what?”

Blake DeWitt - Recalled from Vegas and will cut into Casey Blake’s time against right-handers. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in the history of baseball that a player by the first name of Blake will be platooning with a player by the last name of Blake. Actually, they never said that, to my knowledge, but they could have. Here’s some more things Elias Sports Bureau could have said yesterday, “For the third time since ‘98, Leandro couldn’t fix the soft drink machine,” “For the fifth time since Monday, Gus has attempted to flirt with Rachel and she’s taken it as him being friendly,” and “For the first time ever, Bob, in Accounting, died.”

Reports say Mark Kotsay is headed to the Sawx. If he lands there, he’ll start over Coco Crisp and will have some slight fantasy value. Think AL-Only leagues. More importantly, this would free up the Braves outfield for Brandon Jones to start then Jordan Schafer, the (HGH-aided) five-tooler, to get the call come September 1st.  Jordan Schafer is the most interesting name here, which isn’t that hard when you’re surrounded by schmohawks. Schafer was the top 13-year-old in the country according to Baseball America and Teen Beat. He could be patrolling centerfield for the Braves on a regular basis as soon as ‘09 and, if so, he will be an early Rookie of the Year candidate, so those in keeper leagues should make sure he’s on their team. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian Fuentes - On bereavement leave, will be gone for up to 7 days. If you’re desperate for saves, grab Corpas and pray Fuentes’s bereaved gets better, but hope it’s touch and go for a week. Also, the Rockies are still trying to move Fuentes, so it’s not a bad idea to grab Corpas anyway.

Jimmy Rollins - 3 steals, HR and 8-for-10 in the last two games. About time.

Brandon Morrow - Set to make season debut as a starter on September 5th vs. the Yankees. In almost 13 innings in Tacoma, he’s struckout 18 and carries a decent WHIP, but he’s given up 7 runs. I’m going to let him stretch himself out on someone else’s team.

Jorge De La Rosa - 6 IP, 2 ER. In a few deeper leagues, I spotted him in for this start and I will for his next start when he gets the Giants again.

Vladimir Guerrero - Was announced he’d be sitting out some games to recharge. Presumably for the Angels playoff games, or maybe Vlad’s signed on to Dancing With The Stars. Fingers crossed!

Dioner Navarro - Left the game with leg cramps. Aw, must be that time of the month.

Wandy Rodriguez - Almost two weeks ago, I told you to pickup Wandy with absolutely no reason given. You want a reason? Yesterday’s line, 7 IP, 3 hits, 1 ER, 10 Ks. That’s magic, Wandy!

Zach Greinke - 6 IP, 5 Ks, 0 ER. I dropped him about month or so ago so I guess I was Greinke’d by this start. Then again, prior to last night’s start he had over a 5.00 ERA since the All-Star break. Then Again, Part 2:  He has been solid for the last three starts. Then Again, The Reckoning:  His innings are high for the year and the Royals provide little opportunity for wins. Let’s just say, I’m not picking him back up.

Carlos Zambrano - 4.1 IP, 6 ER to outfunk Ian Snell.

Luis Ayala - Blown save yesterday. Wasn’t fully his fault and he could bounce back to get the next five saves or Manuel might look elsewhere. The Mets bullpen aka “As The Turd Turns…”

Jair Jurrjens - 3 IP, 6 ER. Mesa tinks yousa drop me. I agree, Jar-Jar.

Cody Ross - 3-for-5 with a HR. When this sumbitch gets hot, he gets real hot. You’ve been served (with info)!

Bronson Arroyo - CG, 5 hits, 1 ER. If you had him in your lineup, you got balls. If you think you should hold him, you’re nuts.

Geovany Soto - 3-for-5, HR and 7 RBIs. Making a case for the first catcher off the board next year. I won’t be taking him, but someone will.

Cliff Lee - 19th win as he heads towards the Cy Young. Will be real interesting to see where he’s drafted next year. Again, won’t be by me. The Indians fan, who just woke up from a season long slumber, is met by a 30/30 Sizemore and the eventual Cy Young, Cliff Lee. So we’re winning the division? Wild Card? You’ve been Pronk’d!

Ben Francisco - 2 HRs yesterday. Instant replay showed he actually grabbed the pitches and threw both balls over the fence.

Shaun Marcum, who decided to shit fantasy owners’ houses when he returned from his injury, was sent to the minors to work on his mechanics. Will return in September when rosters expand, but at this point you don’t want him deciding your fantasy championship. Drop him, unless your league is Cousteau deep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto - Removed after three innings with some soreness in his right triceps. Might be the last we see of Cueto this year. (Actually it should be the last we see of him.) This could bode well for next year, since it won’t allow Dusty to abuse his arm any further.

John Maine - Might get shutdown for the rest of the season. Even if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t be started in any leagues shallower than 15-team right now. As I told you, when he was pitching “decently” against the Nats and Pirates, all the walks will catch up to him and are a sign that things ain’t right. Well, they’re not right, he has a bone spur in his shoulder.

Alex Gordon - Headed to the DL with a torn quadriceps. Before he took his first swing in the big leagues, there were George Brett comparisons. There still are, but they’ve changed slightly. Now, “I saw Brett take a crap that could hit better than Gordon.”

Ricky Nolasco - 7 1/3 innings and 10 Ks. Been incredible for almost two months. I told you I liked him on July 2nd. If you didn’t grab him, you blame yourself. He’s still a too-many-innings concern.

Jack Hannahan - 2 HRs. He only needs twenty-three homers in September to have a respectable season. As they say in Scuba classes, don’t hold your breath.

CC Sabathia - 6 IP, 1 ER, but loss the win when Torres blew it. This is why I throw nine innings and 140 pitches every start!

Salomon Torres - Blown save, but Torres actually has been fine, just a bad break for CC and his owners.

Mike Cameron - 5-for-5 with a HR and a steal. I’ve been telling people to pickup Mike Cameron for a while now. If you don’t, that’s your bad.

Chris Dickerson - 2 HRs in last two games. I beat Dickerson into the ground when he was first called up. Again, there’s no reason why he should be on waivers in any league.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-5, HR. Batting about .310 since the All-Star break. One of these years, you would think, he has to put together a good season from April until October. I would think, at least.

Rocco Baldelli - 2 HRs in the last three games and batting .400 in last seven. I’m not saying drop anyone worthwhile for him, but this could be the start of something, especially if he starts at DH and if he runs the bases in a bubble.

Dan Wheeler - Blown save, but for those that missed it, it should’ve been a save, Riggans blew it. This denied Sonnanstine the club record for wins with 14, which is currently held by Roland Arrojo. Ah, yes, the storied history of the Tampa Bay Rays. (BTW, recently overheard in Tampa,  “When does spring training start? I miss baseball. Go Yankees!”)

Jo-Jo Reyes - Got pounded by the Cards yesterday. I like what he’s done in the minors and I still like him going forward, but if he doesn’t excel against the Nats in his next start… Well, he shouldn’t be on anyone’s team.

Carlos Beltran - 2 HRs, bringing his total to 19. Every year he somehow puts up a solid season, while simultaneously yawnstipating you.

Luis Ayala - Has only given up one hit in five innings with the Mets, which included a save and a win. Meanwhile, Heilman, Feliciano and others have continued to resemble a wart on the genital region of the Mets.