Fantasy Baseball Advice

Nolan Reimold has started this season like I thought he’d start the 2009 season.  And the 2010 season.  And the 2011 season.  See a pattern?  If not, I suggest answering C on all standardized tests and lowering your safety school expectations.  It feels like Reimold’s been sleeping on his post-hyper’dom since Branch Rickey was just a twig.  He has 25-ish homer power and 10-ish steal speed.  If he gets on one, he hits 30 homers and steals 15 and is a top 25 outfielder.  If he hits his head on his post-hyper-ness, you drop him.  In my Nolan Reimold fantasy from January, I gave him the line of 65/24/80/.250/10.  Don’t wanna trust January Grey because he’s been known to hit the bottle?  ZiPS updated their projections for Reimold to 65/22/68/.260/10.  So don’t trust me.  But you gotta trust someone in this life.  You can’t go it alone.  Cause when you let people in, the world opens up to you.  I think the preceding was a speech given by Patrick Dempsey in an 80′s movie that was followed by a slow clap.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Santiago Casilla – You know what he possibly gives you this year?  35 saves.  Know what, say, Brett Myers gives you?  25 saves.  We’re Cust kayin’ here, but Casilla should be owned.

Henry Rodriguez – I wish I was in one of the 90% of ESPN leagues where HanK-Rod isn’t owned, but it might be impossible because at least 75% of the ESPN ten-team leagues are one guy who owns all 10 teams with ten alias then goes into the ESPN forums and says, “I’m going to grace you with my presence and answer a few questions.  If you wish to know my credentials, look at my virtual trophies on my virtual mantle on my virtual profile.”

Jake Peavy – Which Peavy are we getting?  The one that’s good when he’s pitching or the one that’s not good at pitching because he’s injured?  Isn’t it clear?  I didn’t say, “Isn’t it the clear?”  Now, now.

Lance Lynn – You know why there’s so many repeat customers in these Buys?  Because people picking up players in ESPN leagues are like De Niro in Awakenings.  Lynn’s pitching well, pick him up and save that fear of success for your real life and leave it out of your fantasy life.

Danny Duffy – A starter with more Ks than innings pitched is all right by me.  Plus, his mom’s name is Muffy.  What’s not to like?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, tell me.  (I am prepared for this to come back to haunt me on Sunday when he faces the Blue Jays.  I’m looking ahead, young, prematurely balding man!)

Jake Arrieta – Between Krispie getting DL’d and Gardner getting DL’d (about an hour), I owned Arrieta.  I was looking at a way to make my team private, so youse couldn’t see it.  See, I really don’t like taking flyers on O’s SPs and would tell you the same if you asked.  AL East + terrible team = Not a’ight-a.  But Arrieta’s WHIP is intriguing (0.89).  He’s faced two terrible teams, and, keep in mind, I immediately dropped him when I needed another outfielder, but, yeah, I did pick him up.  He’s around a 7-ish K-rate and a high 3 ERA pitcher in the best case scenario.  The way he’s keeping his walks in check right now is something to watch.  If you grab him for the Angels game tomorrow, I’d leave him on my bench in most mixed leagues to see how he does.

Alejandro De Aza – Odd that he has more homers than steals, but that will invert while he still chips in some power.  He’s the new pride of the Dominican Republican.  Or DR Pride, which is not the same as the shirtless guy with the stethoscope and the ass-less chaps.

Luke Scott – I told you to pick him up last week and now he’s owned in 3.5% of ESPN leagues.  We are the three point five percenters!  How’s that for rippling the fantasy baseball world?!  You best recognize!

Mike Trout – On our last podcast, Rudy said he thinks Trout will be up by May 15th.  I think that’s crummy with crackers, but if you’re a Rudy loyalist with a pic in your fro, then you should own Trout right now.

Denard Span – He’s healthy!  That’s all I got.  I picked him up in my RCL because I lost Gardner and was looking for some cheap speed, but, most importantly, Rudy was the one who dropped him, so any chance to rub salt is valid enough for me.  Though waiting for Span to exact any revenge against Rudy is like hiring a contract killer who thinks a spliff is a blunt object.

Matt Carpenter – I just went over him this morning.  Don’t make me go back there!

Chris Davis – This week’s Buy is coming to you from downtown Baltimore, “Our crabs are better than your lady’s!”  At some point, I think the bottom is gonna fall out so bad for Davis that you’ll look up and he’ll be batting .095, but right now he’s hitting, so there’s that.

Mike Aviles – Grab Aviles while Jacoby is D’Ellsburied and your MI spot is as disagreeable as any camel that has ever been on TV or film. (Talk about an animal that needs its own anti-defamation league.  “Let me ask you this, haters of the camel, what other animal is dragging your stupid ass through the desert with no water?  Let’s see you ride on the back of your corgi!”  That’s me as I stump for the hump.)

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – You thought he (she?) had no power in the old (ugly) Marlins ballpark?  Welcome to the new (ugly and large) park!  I wouldn’t drop him (her?) for Jeffrey Loria’s address so you can egg his house, but… Actually, I’d consider that trade-off.   Nah, seriously, I wouldn’t drop him, but maybe you can use him as an artificial sweetener in a trade.

Paul Goldschmidt – This one hurts, because I really did like him in the preseason, but as long as Gibson’s slo-mo arm pumping Overbay into lineup, you need alternatives.  In most leagues, I wouldn’t drop AuShizz out right, but he needs every day playing time for the majority of mixed leagues.

Logan Morrison – We’re pot-committed to Stanton and his wonky knees (wonknee).  I’m not selling him for pennies on the dollar.  Morrison, on the other hand, has a wonknee and he doesn’t have 40 homer power and he’s playing in a stadium where the coach needs binoculars and glow sticks to direct his outfielders where to play.  As he waves glow sticks, Ozzie says, “Oye, Rooster, are the outfielders moving to the right?”  As he looks through binoculars, Joey Cora says, “I think you’re directing the nacho guy in section 7 B.”  Ozzie, “Puta, this is the worst stadium the devil ever puked up!”

Mike Stanton times 5.  That’s really all I want in my outfield this year.  Is that so wrong of me to ask for?  Sadly I know this is not a reality, not even in a fantasy world so I’ll have to make due with 4 Non Stantons…somehow.  I’m not going to lie and say OF is deep in a league setting like this but OF is also where you see the most turnover and opportunities throughout the season.  Coach wants Yonder Alonso’s bat in the lineup, so he throws him in left field.  The Texas outfield is in the infirmary ward, time to go pick up D. Murphy for a couple of weeks.  Just make sure its the Rangers D. Murphy and not the Mets D. Murphy.

My realistic perfect 5 outfield set would start with taking Mike ‘don’t call me Mike, call me Giancarlo‘ Stanton in the 2nd round because I’ve already got my 1B in the first.  My next OF to grab would be B.J. Upton in the 5th or 6th to give me steals without giving up on having power.  After that we fly on down to the 8th or 9th and snag Jayson Werth and then don’t do anything about our OF again until the 13th round taking Logan Morrison.  Then I hold my nose and slide all the way down to the 17th and pick up Vernon Wells.  I’ll be backfilling my gaps with my previous positional needs that I’ve mentioned while putting together my pitching staff.  I am not going to concern myself with speed a huge amount except in the wee hours of the draft.  I have adhered to and subscribed to SAGNOF since before I knew what it was.  Thanks Grey for putting a hard to pronounce acronym on something I once couldn’t describe.

I’ll Avoid:

Alex Gordon – In looking at Alex Gordon’s line last year, I have a hard time finding a fault with it.  Good Runs, RBIs, average, Steals, and HRs.  But scratch and sniff that surface and I have cause for concern.  He’s not a really good basestealer as he was only 17/25.  For you non-math majors that’s a 68% rate, or as I like to call it, the score you got on your last Geometry exam; It wasn’t good then and it’s not good now.  He hit 3rd and leadoff throughout the year.  The runs don’t drop off at leadoff but the RBIs do.  Everything went just right to get that line last year.  If you get 18 HRs, 13 SBs, 65 RBIs and a .285 average, are you happy you drafted Gordon around the 5th or 6th?  If you answer yes, you’re easily happified and I’m not talking to you anymore.

Ichiro Suzuki - This is not because of last year.  To be fair, I’ve been anti-Ichiro for the last couple of years and have been proven wrong.  It’s hard betting against someone with a .326 career average so cut me some slack.  My main issue with Ichiro is his move in the lineup.  The Mariners want to start the year with Chone Figgins (I always like to replace the ‘n’ in his first name with a ‘d’ while pronouncing the ‘CH’ combination correctly.  It makes me feel better as a Mariners fan; you can use any of the various definitions on Urban Dictionary to find out how I feel about Figgins with that information).  This means they want Ichiro to bat 3rd in the lineup.  Last time I checked, infield singles when someone is already on first usually lead to a GIDP.  Ichiro will be 38 this season, has very little power, a high ground ball percentage and is being switched to an RBI position which will decrease his stolen base opportunities.  Have I negative Nelly’d this enough for you yet? Fine, he’s also a potty mouth.

I’ll Go For:

Ben Revere – So he’s not going to win you any HR contests, but you weren’t really looking for HR contestants in the 235 ADP range were you?  Ben Revere is fast.  So fast you didn’t even notice he is being tabbed as an OF starter for the Twins until you saw this post.  In 117 games last year, he stole 34 bases.  If you do what I tell everyone not to do which is extrapolate that over a season, you are finding 47.07692 steals in the late rounds.  How you get that stuff on the right side of the decimal is beyond me, but math doesn’t lie.  Now you understand why my perfect outfield draft doesn’t include going high on basestealers early in the draft *smugface*.

Nolan Reimold – I had about a bajillion of these late round OF flier thingies I wanted to write up but chose Nolan because I like what they’re doing philosophy-wise in Baltimore; filling their lineup with guys whose motto is ‘hit a HR or strikeout’.  It’s like the Blue Jays philosophy minus pitch recognition.  Nolan won’t win you a batting title but if they give him 500+ ABs, you are probably looking at .250 with 20 to 25 HRs.  Think of him as a just in case for Vernon Wells or Logan Morrison.  I wonder if any parent with a family name of Case has ever named their son Justin before?  I also wonder how therapy went for him.

Situation to Monitor: Washington

There are a lot of things I don’t trust about the Nationals lineup this year (I almost went with a situation call in my 2B or SS section because I see Ian Desmond getting the boot, moving Espinosa to SS and having Lombardozzi gap-fill until they call Rendon up later this summer.  Yep, I just cheated; deal with it.  Now back to our OF blurb).  Its not that I don’t like the players involved, I don’t like what management thinks of them.  Washington has tried like mad to get B.J. Upton to be their centerfielder to no avail and might be giving Roger Bernadina a shot this Spring.  They also sorta gave him a shot last spring by bouncing him up and down and in and out…hrm, that sounded a bit obscene.  The point is, the Nationals don’t seem comfortable with Bernadina in a starting role.  Plus they’ve got this little known kid down on the farm named Bryce Harper whom they’re quite smitten with.  I like Bernadina’s skill set, the Nationals don’t and Harper is going to sell a poopton of tickets when he gets called up.  The only way Morse gets moved is if Adam LaRoche is not healthy so Bryce won’t likely play in LF.  Werth is getting paid too much to be sat so he’s going to stay in the outfield.  That leaves Roger and the people who drafted him getting bounced up and down and in and out and not in a good way.

Ryan Madson has to have Tommy John surgery.  Luckily, he signed with a Dusty Baker-managed team as the trainers have a lot of experience diagnosing busted arms.  Sean Marshall will likely take over the closing gig, spurring indie comedy fans in Cincy to bring Sean Of The Red signs to games.  Best case scenario:  Marshall goes the whole season with the job, continues to rack up a 9+ K-rate and 40+ saves.  Most realistic scenario:  Dusty brings Marshall into the ninth inning of a tie game and, as the two teams battle scoreless inning after scoreless inning, Marshall stays in the game for another 16 innings and throws 450 pitches.  125 of those pitches he kicks over the plate Hacky Sack-style because his arm is too tired.  Then Masset and Aroldis end up getting 5-7 saves each and Marshall ends the year with 30+ saves and an ERA around 3.50.  Most likely scenario involving dolphins:   Marshall falls asleep on a raft and wakes in Barbados.  With the phone lines down due to a tropical storm, he befriends the local innkeeper, Teronimo, who teaches him how to surf.  But Teronimo has a hidden secret — Marshall is really his nephew that his brother asked him to watch over.  When Teronimo reveals his secret, there’s a giant rift between Marshall and Teronimo that is only assuaged by the sight of dolphins.  No matter the scenario, grab Sean Marshall immediately.  You might’ve just lucked into a top tier closer for free.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Drew Storen – Could start the year on the DL.  Davey Johnson made that announcement minutes after he said Storen had no structural issues with his elbow, which came a day after he said Storen needed an MRI, which was minutes after Storen said he couldn’t throw, which can mere moments after he was diagnosed with strep throat.  Following?  Yeah, neither do I.  I’m beginning to think some ball clubs need a new HMO.  Johnson said Clippard would not see saves, but the team would turn to Henry Rodriguez or Brad Lidge.  I’d pick them up in reverse order for saves.  When in doubt, go with the guy with experience.  And no one has experience blowing leads quite like Lidge.  “Nats Fall Off the Lidge” is already written on a Post-It on some copy editor’s desk just waiting to go to press.  In one league where our innings max is small and our needs for Ks is tall — she says she likes the ocean — we went with Rodriguez.  He averages 98 MPH with his fastball and has a 9+ K-rate.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be this year’s huge middle reliever breakout.

Bobby Jenks – Arrested for a DUI.  He’s signed a contract with Hanna Barbera for the rights to his name as animated onomatopoeia when a cartoon character crashes a car.  Barney, “Fred, Watch out!”  JENKS!

Joba Chamberlain – Dislocated his ankle reportedly playing on a trampoline.  It was an inevitable outcome of his failed appeasement policy when he ceded playing in the Bouncyland region of Chuck E. Cheesoslovakia.

Joakim Soria – Will undergo Tommy John surgery.  Feel free to drop him, we won’t see him until thirteen after twenty.

Chris Carpenter – Updating the previous 17 posts I’ve done on Carpenter, he has nerve issues in his shoulder.  Not good news, as if you needed me to tell you.  I wouldn’t have drafted Carpenter before this news.  Guess how I feel about him about him now.  73?  That’s your guess?  That’s terrible.  Get Lance Lynn in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, I’m guessing Carpenter won’t be back for a while.  When he dealt with this similar problem in 2008, he threw 15 innings that year.  No, I didn’t forget a zero.  That’s fifteen.  We may even see Shelby Miller by June, if Lynn can’t cut it, though I think Lynn can.  Here’s what I said earlier this preseason, “Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90?s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Trevor Bauer – Was optioned down to Double-A and Uncle Barry Enright was optioned to Triple-A.  Rusty Ryal and Chris Jakubauskas were assigned to their minor league camp.  You think Chris Jakubauskas ever misspells his own name?

Jamie Moyer – The 49-year-old will make the Rockies rotation.  For now, he’ll put on hold his quest to make the World Bingo Tour.

Mark Trumbo – On Saturday, the Sciosciapath said, “We feel (Trumbo) has the potential to be a terrific third baseman.”  Then he started laughing uncontrollably.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper tore his meniscus announcing his retirement.

Matt Thornton – White Sox announced there’s a five man race for the closer role –  Santiago, Ohman, Thornton, Reed and Crain.  Kinda sounds like the race to be the Republican presidential candidate.  I think right now the chances are Thornton at 80%, Crain at 10% and the field is at 10%.

Chase Utley – Said he’ll miss Opening Day but expects to play this year.  Have things gotten so bad that in March Utley is saying he’s going to play this year?  He has to clarify at some point in the next six months he’s going to be ready?  Yesterday, I said I wouldn’t draft him until around pick 150.  I may have been optimistic there.  Probably would wait another 50 picks and hope we saw him for about 80 games this year.

Anthony Rizzo – Optioned to the minors.  Will probably see him back in June.  Until then, Rizzo will be tearing up Triple-A and making prank calls, jerky.

Logan Morrison – May not be ready for Opening Day.  He said, “I think the knee is going to tell me.  The knee is going to tell everyone. I can’t tell it what to do.”  Reading this reminded me of when the ref would lift Hulk Hogan’s arm twice, then Hogan waved a finger up the final time like his finger had a mind of its own.  Let’s pray Morrison’s knee waves to the crowd the third time it’s raised.  I’m having serious concerns though, and I wouldn’t draft him at this point unless he fell at least four rounds.  It’s way too early in the year for this much concern about a surgically-repaired knee.

Bud Norris – Left Friday’s game with tightness in his triceps.  He was on Rudy’s risky pitchers for 2012 fantasy baseball list.  The only player on the Astros with more sliders in their diet is Carlos Lee.

Travis Snider – Optioned to the minors, and Eric Thames will play left field.  I gave Thames some nice projections over at the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, saying something like he has power upside.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Doug Fister – Left Friday’s game with a sore middle finger.  Fister has a sore middle finger?  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Yup, probably tendinitis.

Ted Lilly – Has neck stiffness.  Maybe he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.  Will probably miss at least one start, wouldn’t be surprised if he missed two or three starts.

Mike Morse – Might make it back for Opening Day after all, even after his platelet rich plasma injection, which sounds like a procedure a real housewife of Beverly Hills would get.

Matt Bush – Arrested for DUI after hitting a 72-year-old motorcyclist.  The motorcyclist’s 95-year-old mother responded, “I told you motorcycles are dangerous.”

Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees.  I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you.  In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him.  He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement.  What this does show us:  Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond…  “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.”  Yeah, right.  Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL.  I’m saying he will start the year on the DL.  The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.

Kendrys Morales – Felt no pain as he hit against minor leaguers.  Sounds like he should be good to go when the Angels face the Orioles.

Carl Crawford – Started to swing a bat again.  He’s still starting the year on the DL, but this is encouraging.  I actually love when good news comes out about a guy I want someone else to draft.

Jeff Samardzija – Sveum says Samardzija is all but a lock for the rotation.  Obviously strange S last names have to stick together.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t mess with Samardzija.  Too many walks.

Matt Thornton – Robin Ventura said that Thornton and Crain are the best candidates for the closer job.  No surprise here, and it will be less surprising when Thornton gets the closer job, then loses it some time in July when hitters start catching up to Thornton’s melons.

Placido Polanco – Left a game on Saturday with a jammed finger.  Phillies then turned to reserves.  You’d think a jammed finger would turn one to preserves.  That joke setup felt longer than Tree of Life.

Logan Morrison – He’s experiencing swelling in his surgically-repaired knee.  Not great news at all.  He’s saying he should be good for Opening Day, but I’m not crazy about the thought of a guy who is having swelling the day after he plays in March.  If I’ve drafted him already on teams, I’m gonna make due, but I’ll probably not be reaching too high for him in future drafts.  The more guys I can avoid with minor injuries already, the better the sheen on my mustache.

Giancarlo Stanton – Will sit out a week with inflammation in his left knee.  Is knee swelling contagious?  I swear to the deity of your choice if I find out Logan Morrison contaminated Giancarlo’s gam, there will be a price to pay that includes, but is not limited to forever damnation.  Giancarlo should still be ready for the start of the season.  Bee tee dubya, I’m liking the name change to Giancarlo.  He sounds like a European playboy, race car driver.

Carlos Quentin – Out for 6 weeks because of knee surgery.  I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the actual surgery will take that long.  Probably some rehab involved in those 6 weeks.  Twelve after twenty is the year major league baseball took a knee.  How’s that for pithy?!  Full of pith that Grey Albright.  Am I right or am I right-right?

Bryce Harper – The Nats beat their projected ticket sales for April so they optioned Harper to Triple-A.  Imagine Harper will be back some time in July, and no hell below us.  It’s easy if you try…

Francisco Liriano – Pitched a near no-no vs. the Pirates.  I’d like to punch him in his no-no area like the dwarf in Project X for what Liriano did to me last year.

Brandon Guyer – Was sent down by the Rays.  He went 14/16 last year in 107 Triple-A games, and, because of his age, he’s ready to go in the majors.  First sign of injury, Guyer will return and be worth rostering in most mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth stashing him on the bench.  Maybe we can convince the Rasmus Girl to do a “Guyer, let’s go” video.

Stephen Drew – Not only will he start the year on the DL, but the Diamondbacks are saying he won’t be back until May.  So let’s see what we have, Drew who hasn’t really ever been great, hasn’t played in almost a year and his timetable keeps getting delayed.  At this point, I wouldn’t draft him with your team.  The Honorable Willie Bloomquist will now be presiding in his place.

Shaun Marcum – Beginning to look like Marcum might not be ready to go for the start of the season, but it looks like he might only miss a start or two.  I would still draft him and not move him down ranking sheets.  By as early as May, you won’t even remember Marcum missed one start at the beginning of the season… Unless you get hit by a foul ball at the Brewers opener, go into a coma for a month and wake up in early May.

Joakim Soria – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness.  You’ve got to Joakim me?  Soria’s been lit up so far this spring and now there’s elbow soreness.  Then, after the game, he said he’s worried.  Yeah, I am too.  As late as Saturday, I thought Soria was in line for a bounce back, but then again I was drunk.  You would think Soria’s broken eggs would brighten up any Holland days, but Broxton and his huge ass could block him out.  Right now, I’d draft them all if you’re desperate for saves.  I think if the Royals have any sense in their head, they’ll go Holland first and, if you have only room for one, I’d go that way too.  Hopefully, Holland doesn’t have to go Dutch with the save opportunities.

Freddy Sanchez – Hurty Sanchez is doubtful for Opening Day.  Could mean more time for Mike Fontenot or Ryan Theriot.  Can someone please buy a hard T sound for them?

Chien-Ming Wang – Strained his hamstring and won’t be ready for Opening Day.  That’s a real shame because the Nats invested in that giant bullpen zipper for Wang to come out of.

David Wright – Won’t resume baseball activities, which includes but is not limited to scratching himself and spitting, until the middle to end of next week.  Member when the Mets were competing with the Yankees to be the team of New York?  Had Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan… The world their oyster, and they turned mollusks to bollocks.

Chris Carpenter has a bulging disc.  I once had a bulging disc.  I had my Low End Theory disc in my car radio and I tried to jam in my Kool Moe Dee CD… *checking my notes*  Oh, Carpenter has a bulging disc in his neck.  Well, he should go see Dr. Frankenstein.  Carpenter says he can’t throw yet, but he’s dealt with this issue before.  Cards are starting to think about a Plan B.  I never liked Plan A.  A 36-year-old who had a 4.47 ERA until the middle of June last year?  You should totally draft him!  He sounds promising!  Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic, would move down my rankings with this news, if I didn’t already have him really low in my rankings because I’m always cautious of aging starters who tend to break down.  Also, I’m psychic.  On a related note, you may want to bring in the trash bins on Wednesday night from three to four AM, there’s gonna be possums.   Cust kayin’.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we announced our podcast yesterday.  Today, you can subscribe to it at iTunes.  This message was brought to you by Phoenix University, “We don’t look good unless you look good.  Or is it well?”  Anyway, here’s the roundup:

Giancarlo Stanton – It’s sure been a pain changing Mike to Giancarlo on all of my Trapper Keepers.  You know what else is a pain?  Giancarlo’s wrist.  Worst Segue Ever, “Wow, I’ve heard some bad segues before, but that takes the cake.”  Sorry, Worse Segue Ever.  WSE, “Don’t apologize to me, apologize to your readers.”  You know you’re kinda making the segue worse by drawing attention to it.  WSE, “Hence my name.”  Giancarlo was hit on the wrist by a pitch the other day, but X-rays were negative, which is oddly enough a positive.  Giancarlo should take a day or two more to recoup, but should be fine going forward.  If you want to send him flowers, send them to me.  I’m parked outside his condo.  In the bushes.  What, I’m just making sure he’s safe.

Logan Morrison – Having soreness in his knee that was surgically-repaired.  As of right now, it’s nothing to worry about.  Or as Logan Morrison would say on Twitter — #firstworldproblems

Brian Fuentes – The battle for the A’s closer and the 22 saves that comes with the gig is heating up.  Jerry “The Beav” Blevins is the only possible left-hander behind Fuentes.  So there’s some speculation that if The Beav gets cut, then Fuentes may stay in setup.  But if The Beav gets into the bullpen that will make it easier to hand the closer job to Fuentes.  May I say from owning Fuentes in past years, nothing is easy about Fuentes closing.  Worst Segue Ever, “Okay, that’s just another–”  You know, that’s enough, WSE.  WSE, “Hey, do what you have to do.”  Here’s what I’ll say on the closing shituation in Oakland, I think Balfour will make a better closer (marginally), but Fuentes will get the job.  Either way, in almost all leagues (except very shallow ones), I’d draft both guys and hope the one I drafted comes out with the job.

Yoenis Cespedes – Homered in his first spring game.  I now have Yoenis in two leagues, and I’m getting him in more leagues if he continues to fall far down in drafts.  I have Yoenis’s projections down for 65/20/80/.250/12.  That’s a not-that-poor-man’s Adam Jones.  I’d take that way before the 200th or so place ESPN and Yahoo have him ranked.  Frequent commenter, chata, made a good call when he said Yoenis looked like Gary Sheffield when he homered.  Somewhere, Sheffield is angrily wagging his trademark infringement lawsuit papers.

Jim Johnson – Buck Showalter said he hasn’t named Johnson the closer yet.  Kevin Gregg’s family said, “Please, we can’t handle anymore death threats.”  Matt Lindstrom is also in the O’s possible closerousel.  I think Johnson ends up winning the job, but in the mean’s while I would draft all three in deep leagues, or places you need saves.

Alfonso Soriano – Hit his 4th homer of the spring.  I have a mantra:  Don’t Believe Spring Training Stats — DBSTS, for those that like to acronymize shizz. But, and this is a small but like what Leyland throws away every seven to ten minutes, vets tend to have good beginnings to their season then tire.  Soriano’s April stats last year:  10 homers.

Eric Hosmer – Left Monday’s game after landing awkwardly on his shoulder.  Doctors said he was F-I-N-E, then they did the Bell Biv Devoe dance where you kick heels with the guy across from you.

Mike Moustakas – Left the game after being hit with a pitch in his right knee.  Royals are saying it’s simply a bruise and he’ll be good to go.  David Glass, Royals owner and former CEO of Wal-Mart, said he would not pay for any time missed.

Zack Cozart – He’s showing no signs of his injury from last year.  Have I mentioned I want Cozart in every league?  Oh, well, consider this yet another notice.  You’ve been noticed!

Jesus Montero – I want to throw a warning out there that there will be a lot of Jesus Montero updates this year.  We’ve already drafted him in three out of four leagues.  Bee tee dubya, he’s hitting .389.  But spring stats mean nothing.  But II, The Return of But:  He’s hitting .389!

David Wright – Received an anti-inflammatory injection yesterday for discomfort that I think he’s been feeling for the last three years.  I’m only half joking.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but I’m starting to get worried.  The Mets doctors’ track record with getting players back on the field is about the same as yours with that girl who used to live next door to you.

Kendrys Morales – He ran the bases for two straight days.  Talk about going back to the base-ics!  Sorry, I’ll never say that again.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is hinting at retirement.  His retirement plans include him reuniting with his oblique that abandoned him back in 2004.

David Robertson – Fell down some stairs the other day, but he played catch yesterday and he’s good to go.  He can remove his walking boot.  On a related note, Miguel Cabrera’s nickname in the field is The Walking Boot.

Fausto Carmona – Charges against him for lying about his name have been dropped.  Charges against him for being a terrible pitcher are still undergoing investigation.