I’m OCD about my iTunes.  I listen to a new album a few times, pick out some songs that I like, five star them, and then play them endlessly until I’m sick of them.  My top 20 for most played is embarrassing.   I like Lil Wayne more than anyone should ever admit.  Sometimes I have a song on repeat, and I’ll get a phone call (rare; only old people use the phone for calling people), the doorbell will ring (less rare; Cougs orders a ton of shizz on Amazon) or I’m just called away from my desk for some reason.  Then I’ll forget I have a song on repeat and I’ll go to lunch, dinner or…No, those are the only reasons I leave my fantasy cave.  When I come back and see a song’s play count has been artificially boosted with me not listening, I will edit info in iTunes and reset the play count to where it was before the accidental repeat.  It’s important to have a gage to tell how much you like a song.  Do you like it enough to play it 200 times like, say, Aloe Blacc’s Red Velvet Seat or do you like it enough to listen to it 120 times like, say, Tom Petty Yer So Bad (actual play counts)?  Why do I bring this up now?  Because Rick Porcello should roll his win count back to 15.  21 wins?!  C’mon!  That is misrepresenting him in every conceivable way.  Yesterday, Rick Porcello went 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.08, to move his record to 21-4 <–LIES!  He’s pretending to be Eazy E vs. Johnny Cash (great song; play count 278) when he’s really Randy Newman’s Short People (good song, but you ain’t listening to that nonsense more than once every few months; play count 59).  His ERA isn’t even accurate.  It’s saying, “I’m Bon Iver’s Skinny Love (play count 175),” when it’s really You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb by Spoon (play count 96).  The only thing that is sort of legit is his 0.98 WHIP, but that’s more Men At Work’s Overkill (play count 186) legit.  Have a season, Rick Porcello, but you are so Rihanna’s Diamonds (play count 86) and not Martians vs. Goblins (play count 365).  Also, if you want more, we talk about Rick Porcello on today’s podcast.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

a href=”http://razzball.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Sparky-Polastri.gif”>sparky-polastri

Look, on the one hand, I’m ashamed that I’m quoting Not Another Teen Movie. On the other, I’m surprised this wasn’t a Keenan Ivory Wayans joint. On the third, more interesting hand that’s simply a cut out of the hamburger helper off my beefaroni box, it allows me to reference back to one of the best teen comedy movies of all time: Bring It On. Or better put, this movie has four minutes worth of Sparky Polastri, and that’s never enough and yet more than enough all at the same time. With all this said, my call today is Steven Brault or as I like to call him, ‘the guy who gets to pitch against the Phillies’. If you’ve read anything I’ve written – or wrotten, if you wanna keep with title theme – you’ll know that I love picking on Phillies. It’s September and this should be clear to you but just in case it’s not, here’s a simple flowchart for you to think about. If you’re not convinced by my conciseness, let’s consider some other facts. The Phils have the worst wRC+, the fifth worst K%, and the second worst BB% in the majors this year. The fact they’ve been on a K tear of late – second worst K% over the last 30 and worst over the last 14 and 7 – makes this call even nicer. But the real kicker here? Brault is a mere $4,500 so he’s in punt territory with 20 point upside. Seriously, this intro is AmPm: too much good stuff. But guess what, I have some even potentially greater takes down the road. So follow me past the italics, would you? Here’s my ‘y’all ready for this’ hot taeks for this Wednesday, DK slate…follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday September 19th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Daniel Norris went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81.  Deserved better than a no decision, but he’s 23 years old, making $500,000, so who cares what he deserves?  I deserve equal pay for cracking jokes about fantasy baseball for six months!  *marching with a picket sign*  Sign reads:  BLOGGER = Better Living-wage Or Gainful Gifts, Earnings, Reimbursements *pull back to reveal I’m marching in my underwear with my dog humping my leg*  Stop, Ted!  I’m trying to make a point!  So, Norris looked terrific, but he’s had a vexing season.  Vexing, I tell ya!  He was put in middle relief after a back problem that sidelined in the spring, then he returned and was almost immediately sidelined with an oblique problem.  Why do we care?  Well, I wrote a sleeper post about him last year, saying, “He’s a sleeper, because he’ll likely be drafted late since he appears to be a year away, and, sadly, he might not just appear to be a year away, but he might actually be a year away, though he might appear to be a year away and not be a year away.  I’m the Grand Champion of putting “year away” in one sentence, by the way.  Norris is a pure upside play.  He could be a 4+ ERA guy that bounces between the rotation, the bullpen and the minors or a 2.75 ERA guy with truckloads of Ks.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I quote that, because I was exactly right (I couldn’t have been wrong since I hedged more than Sonic) and for 2017 I’m going to like Norris for the exact same reasons while being a year closer.  Dot dot dot.  To getting a living wage!  I’m Norma Rae!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL – and before you ask, yes there was such a time…and why do you demarcate things around such a movie? God, you’re weird – there was The Full Monty. The Full Monty was about a bunch of white guys who took off their clothes for money, just like Magic Mike. It was also a comedy, just like Magic Mike. Serious question: why is it so damn funny when a white guy takes his clothes off? I mean, we weren’t SUPPOSED to laugh when Showgirls did it…even though we did because if we didn’t laugh, we’d cringe. It seems racist and misandrist to me, but then I just stripped in front of the mirror myself and even I had to laugh. What is wrong with me and the world…well, that was a short-lived moment of self-awareness and poignancy, so let’s talk about Mike Montgomery instead. Admittedly, there’s not much to see here in terms of season stats since he’s really only been a spot starter and a middle relief arm for most of the year. That said, he’s only been in the rotation for three games with the Cubs and from the looks of it, I wouldn’t say the Cubs are going to suppress his pitch count when you factor in the 91 he threw against the Dodgers just a start prior. Basically, here’s what I see: a guy with a K/9 in the 8 range, going against a team with a K% in the 25 range, at a price point in the $4,300 range. Ok, $4,300 isn’t a range, it’s his exact salary and that salary plays gloriously into punt range. Really, if he returns you 16 DK points – which, with a win, is very within reach – you’re gonna be absolutely fine cuz he let you beef up elsewhere. Hell, you could even throw a few more dollars into some dude’s golden lame thong if you’re into that thing. Just don’t laugh when you do, it hurts my feelings…I mean THEIR feelings! So with that, let’s move on to this. Here’s my thunder from down under taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday September 12th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

He was well hyped in advance of his final promotion, so much so that Prospector Ralph’s pleated khakis looked like a circus tent. To his benefit, Trea Turner deserved the hype in preseason, he had the youthful vigor and the stats to back it up.  Alas, he wasn’t ever promoted and we played the waiting game while cursing the very existence of Danny Espinosa.  Then he got promoted and it was for a two game stint, sadness for all parties involved.  So the waiting continued, and what we were so patiently awaiting for has been a 39-game stretch by the youngin that has him slashing .341/.366/.548, good for .914 OPS.  To me, this is going to be one of the lads next year that is completely over-drafted and at the same time under-drafted, but next year is next year.  What we want from him is everyday line-up ability and to continue to be the steal every fourth time on base and 7-over-the-last-15 type of hitter.  That is impressive in itself, now take the fact that he is in a stacked RBI producing line-up and over the last 30 games or so could be a top 2-3 option at his position adding his speed into the equation.  His 26 runs scored over the last 30 games played trails only Bryant, Blackmon, Dahl and Brian Dozier. He still needs to learn how to take a walk, but even at less then 3%, his OBP is sexy.  I can keep spewing details that you can just easily look up yourself, but it’s fun to point out how good someone is now and will be next year.  So SAGNOF away, and if by some oddity of the world he is available, go say hi and invite him on your roster.  Be weary that rosters expand midweek and some situations will change for some teams out of the race…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In my preseason Randal Grichuk sleeper post (hey, they’re not all Delino DeShields sleepers, which is to say God awful vs. just merely bad), I said, “How much Grichuk can Grichuk chuck if Grichuk strikes out 30% of the time?  Now, I’m no gypsy; I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl that was born in a manger in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  Let’s look at some comp hitters, shall we?  Not to answer, but to keep reading.  Last year, Grichuk struck out 31% of the time after striking out 23% of the time in Triple-A.  His minor league strike out rate makes me think he’ll be closer to a 27-28% strikeout guy.  Brandon Moss is also around a 27-28% strikeout guy, which Grichuk should be.  Grichuk won’t walk as much as Moss, but, okay, they’re close enough for me.  Grichuk is a young Moss.  I shall call him Pete Moss.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Maybe old fools die hard with a vengeance while Samuel Jackson screams at them, but Grichuk was just some bad luck with his BABIP away from being exactly what I thought he’d be.  His strikeout rate is 27.8% (vs. Moss’ 30%), and he’s only 25 years old.  I’m still jazzed on Grichuk like Coltrane with a needle in my vein.  Of course, none of this matters if he didn’t hit a bunch of homers this week, and was available in about 75% of leagues.  Plant Pete Moss on your team and watch the growth!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When I was fresh out of college, I worked at a web company (everyone did in the 90s).  There was four of us.  The other three had real job titles; I was the gofer/do-whatever.  It was about a month before I was going back to school for my Master’s.  I had no intention of keeping the job.  Honestly, I doubt they would’ve kept me for that full month if I weren’t leaving.  I failed at everything they assigned me, but they kept giving me new tasks, hoping I’d succeed.  The only task I seemed capable of was heating up pre-cooked sausages from Trader Joe’s.  I made sausages on a grill for three weeks straight, so, when I finally did leave, they gave me a plaque that reads, “Who wants some sausages?”  This brings me to the sudden and incomprehensible rise of Yulieski Guerriel.  The Astros are that company, and YuGu is me.  The Astros seem between a rock of “We really want this guy to succeed” and “We have about a month left and we’re just hoping something works.”  Yulieski hasn’t failed in the minors, he’s looked completely lost.  He hit .118 in Double-A, was promoted to Triple-A and hit .222.  I could see grabbing Guerriel in all leagues to see if he can get lucky, and figure out how to make something other than pre-cooked sausages for lunch, but the Astros are not promoting him because of how well he’s looked.  They’re promoting him because there’s about a month left.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Oh, hey there fellow degenerates. Another Sunday is upon us, so that means a brand spanking new edition of action-packed “DraftKings” picks straight from the only source I trust….The DFSBot. If you’re not taking advantage of all the great tools here at Razzball – stop what you’re doing and subscribe now. After you finish reading this write-up, of course. So let me tease you with a couple of arms I’m focusing on for today’s action. I’m not usually into starting pitchers on the road in Houston, but this situation can be sorted into the exception file. Yu Darvish hasn’t been gifted with a win in either of his last three outings, but he still sports an impressive 26:2 K:BB ratio over that same period. As we all know by now, wins are nice but in the daily game strikeouts are King. That is precisely why I’m targeting the Astros for today’s action. Houston has been more than generous when it comes to swings and misses this season, striking out at a 23.9% clip, which ranks fourth in all of baseball. Darvish carries a price tag of $13,100 – he’s the highest priced pitcher on the board, but that’s okay. If he plays anywhere close to his elite 12.68 K/9, he’ll easily reach value. Over his last four starts he’s racked up 35 K’s in just 22 1/3 innings so this match up has the potential to be of the highest quality. How high you ask? Well think somewhere in between Rio drinking water and a Tim Lincecum fastball….That’s how high. Just kidding. Yu should be fantastic today…..and if you start him, so should you. Huh? What? We’re not quite done yet. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the potential bargain that Adam Wainwright represents as well. Sure, he stunk up the joint in his last start, but over his last five starts he’s pitched to a 2.41 ERA and 1.10 WHIP and he’s averaging nearly a strikeout per inning. The best part here is that Wainwright is a VERY affordable $8,000 and he’s facing the Braves. Atlanta owns a 21% K-rate and a measly .128 ISO on the road, also, Waino has allowed just 8 ER in his last eight starts at Busch Stadium – so there’s that. In light of all the delicious info I’ve given you to digest, I’ll direct you to the rest of my favorite plays for today’s slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 8th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There’s gonna be a lot of haters out there about Jose De Leon.  It’s the times we live in.  His great-great-great-great grandfather was the original body-shamer.  Ponce De Leon set out about five hundred and fifty years ago looking for the Fountain of Youth because, his words, “my old bitty needs to go bye-bye if she continues to sag in the FUPA area.”  He was also the originator of the common 1500s phrase, “Ponce upon a time you looked good, girl.”  A phrase that has rightfully disappeared from common speech before any more women were hurt by vernacular manslaughter, so to speak.  As for Jose De Leon, he’s got the youth thing for days, but he’s not quite as young as Julio Urias, which I’m gonna say is a good thing in this case, because Urias is so raw he may as well be carrying botulism.  De Leon, 23 years old, is destroying Triple-A on the current — 13.8 K/9, 3.06 ERA — which is more or less same-same what he’s been doing for the last two years.  Even more importantly, the Dodgers have an immediate need with their rotation a M.A.S.H. unit, a Jamie-Farr-kin joke.  I’d grab De Leon now in most leagues for his impending arrival.  And, yes, even if Chris Archer’s in Dodger Blue, De Leon should be up. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Naquin the Chef looks determined without being ruthless.  Something heroic in his manner.  There’s a courage about him.  Comes across so calm.  Acts like he has a dream.  Full of passion.  Well, you know why.  Knock homers out of the box all the time.  Pitches know his repertoire, big fly.  Yeah, straight up, Naquin mess your whole team up.  It’s for real though, ball connect with stick, ditto.  We could trade places, ball lifted run around the bases.  Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces.”  I almost didn’t write the title of the Naquin the Chef song, Infatuated Redfaces, but then I was like, “There’s a team named Redskins and a mascot named Chief Wahoo, I think I’m all right.”  Yesterday, Tyler Naquin kept it going with the insane run he’s been on — 3-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (11, 12).  He now has six homers in the last ten games.  That’s six homers in July to go with his six homers in June.  As I said back in spring training when I saw Naquin play, he had a nice stroke against righties, but looked kinda gnarly vs. lefties.  Looks like a 17/17 player that needs to platoon.  Right now, his power’s way above that, but will likely come down to earth at some point.  Of course, I’d still own him now.  Word up, peace, infatuated redfaces.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?