Fantasy Baseball Advice

Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.”  Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks.  A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted.  It’s not like we can look at his stats this year and say Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was stifling him either.  Delmon Young had 3 homers in away games this year in 157 ABs.  That’s pathetic.  That’s the same number of away homers as Carlos Ruiz.  That’s the same number of homers Pence hit in the last ten games.  Sure, Young had a good 2010, but that was preceded by three miserable years.  Yet, he a fresh start, and he seems like the type that will be happy in new surroundings, until the novelty wears off.  (See, he needs to find happiness within, but we’ll leave that to Deepak Chopra.)  To show his happiness, he hit a homer yesterday, creaming the ball in his first at-bat after getting squeezed out of Twinkie town.  To boil this down into something that could fit on a fortune cookie, I’d pick up Delmon to see if his newfound happiness can last a month-plus.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brennan Boesch – I was gonna tell ya’ll that Boesch’s playing time wouldn’t be hurt by the acquisition of Delmon, but then Boesch went and hurt his thumb and will miss a few games.  I think when he returns he’ll be back in the lineup with Magglio Ordonez moving to a backup role.  Though Leyland is so old school that he doesn’t even change his lineup — “Hey, Boesch is usually our three hitter and he’s out, so let’s put Delmon right in there” — so I wouldn’t count on Cancer Man sitting the vet.  In other words, it’s all up in the air with a capital Clooney.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-5 with his 11th home run.  With Guillen doing what Guillen does best (toasting Pop Tarts while injured — I’m guessing this is what most ballplayers do while injured, don’t know for sure), Raburn should see most of the starts at 2nd base.  If he rattled off one good month, it would surprise me less than his five bad months.

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER after giving himself the green light to pitch.  Sorta like the exec who gave Ishtar the green light.  Hey, old timey reference, good to see you!  Romo’s out for real with an elbow something-or-other, so if you’re desperate for vulture saves I’d grab Ram-Ram or Affeldt.  Those aren’t ringing endorsements.

Pablo Sandoval – Left the game after a foul off his foot.  His teammates said this wasn’t the first time someone had to leave somewhere because of a foul coming off Pablo’s foot.

Nate Schierholtz -  The man whose last name is German for pantyhose has gone deep in back-to-back games.  When he gets hot (for about a week or so), he gets hot.

Jim Thome – Hit his 600th home run yesterday.  Someone who hasn’t followed baseball since 1995 is really impressed.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win as if he’s gotten so many other types of wins this year.  When I read the box score and it says “F Liriano,” I agree.

Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 21st steal.  With Young being traded, Revere should see everyday time.  If you need steals, SAGNOF!

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 as he started a one game hit streak.  Adam Dunn, “Pfft!  I’ve had like 12 of those this year!”

Jose Constanza – 3-for-3, I can’t say I truly understand the Constanza, but he has 5 steals in the last ten games, he’s starting every day and hitting.

Eric Thames – Now has 3 homers in 4 games.  He’s decorating box scores better than Kelly on Design Star.  What, my ex-girlfriend programmed it into my Tivo last year and I figured since it was recorded I’d watch it.  Stop judging me.

Brett Lawrie – Hit his third home run in his 10th game.  I feel like he’s trying to encroach on my Desmond Jennings rookie nookie love.  Which is kinda hot.  Fight for my love!

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer in 3 games as he remembers why I have him on my freakin’ teams.

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with 2 homers.  Love that he hit 2 homers; lurve that he hit them in Safeco.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-4 as he hit his second homer in as many games.  You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotahto.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 3 ER with his 5th blown save.  He also took a grounder off his pitching hand, which could cause him to miss some time.  On top of that, Mujica’s injured and Mike Dunn didn’t compliment Hanley on his wash bucket drum solo, so Steve Cishek could see some saves over the next few days.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He’s on pace for 34 homers and 90 RBIs at the age of 21.  Boing!

Ryan Doumit – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th home run.  Better yet, he’s healthy!  Though that might not be true by the time you read this.

Jesus Montero – Jon Heyman suspects the Yankees won’t recall their prospect until September.  Heyman was also who suspected Montero would be called up by now.  I think I’d like to play Heyman in Clue.

Carlos Zambrano – Supposedly, Sammy Sosa texted Big Z some words of support.  He told him to pretend he doesn’t speak English and say, “Baseball has been berry berry good to me.”

Ryan Braun - 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 23 homers and 23 steals.  He’s like Lady Justice balancing his power and speed.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-3, hitting .297 with ten homers and zero steals on the year. Be fun to see where this schmohawk gets drafted next year.  I’m guessing still higher than he deserves.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 10.  Conor Jackson who?!  The yawnstipating 1st baseman the A’s usually play.  I know, Random Italicalized Voice, it’s a figure of speech.  ‘Conor Jackson who’ is a figure of speech?  Forget it.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ll keep this short and not that sweet.  When he’s in O.co (seriously, dubya tee eff with that stadium name?) giving up four runs to the O’s, things are not okay.  He can’t be started anywhere now.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 26th homer then left with cramps.  Has been almost 28 days since his last injury.

Cole Hamels – Underwent a “precautionary MRI.”  The Phils are “optimistic” it’s “nothing” but Hamels still “may miss” his next start.  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
4. Jose Valverde  (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
5. Brian Wilson (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom)
11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
12. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn)
14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez)
15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Drew Storen (-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
19. Ryan Madson (+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 
20. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright)
22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney)
23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25. Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26. Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez)
27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 
29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato)
30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)

As it turns out, the MLB trade deadline was much ado about nothing, at least in the world of the Bottom of the 9th. Heath Bell remains with the Padres as the closer, while Mike Adams was dealt to a new team, but not to close. Koji Uehara looked like the best reliever in Baltimore all year (and it wasn’t even close); now, he may be third in line for saves with his new team.

Other trade candidates from the closer ranks included Drew Storen, Andrew Bailey, Brandon League, Huston Street, Leo Nunez, Kyle Farnsworth, Jason Isringhausen and Kevin Gregg, but none of them found themselves cleaning out their respective lockers over trade deadline weekend.

That basically means I don’t have nearly the amount of “new” analysis in this edition of the Bottom of the 9th as I could have had. Good thing it’s a free article, right? Let’s examine the three most likely teams to experience closer change between now and the end of the season.

Texas Rangers

This was one team in on literally every reliever over the last week of July. They were reportedly putting together packages for Lee Smith and Dennis Eckersley before they swung trades with Baltimore and San Diego to land the best pitcher on both teams. Sorry, Mat Latos fans, it’s true. The Rangers paid a hefty price to bolster the bullpen, but they’re much better equipped to fight their East Coast rivals come October.

Of course, they’ll likely want to try one of their shiny, new toys in the closer role before the playoffs, especially if Neftali Feliz stops wishing you a Merry Christmas. He’s blown two of his last four save opportunities, raising his ERA from 2.89 on July 25 to 3.64 on August 6. The owner of a 71:18 K:BB ratio over 69.1 innings last season, Feliz has walked 20 batters in 42 innings while only recording 29 strikeouts this year. The Rangers can’t afford to be too patient with him.

With Adams in tow at least one more year, it would only make sense to shift Feliz to the starting rotation at the beginning of next season. If he struggles over the next few weeks, Feliz could find himself out of the Bottom of the 9th for good.  Adams has more value than Uehara at this point, but both deserved to be owned, just in case.

Toronto Blue Jays

As has been the case all year with the Blue Jays, there’s no question a change gon’ come, but when, and with whom? Jon Rauch is back in the closing role, and though he’s recorded saves in three of his last four apperances, he’s only managed one scoreless outing in his last five games. His ERA is up to 4.53 and rising, and he’s allowed three long balls in his most recent five-game stretch.

As always, Frank Francisco is the man to own should Rauch be stripped of closing duties. He hasn’t exactly been lighting the league on fire this year either, with just 10 of 14 save chances successfully converted, but he has been very good as a setup man since losing the job in mid-July. However, he’s a free agent at the end of the year, as is Rauch. I seriously doubt the Blue Jays want to endure either headache again.

However, it does make sense for the Blue Jays to give Casey Janssen a chance as the team’s closer while they play out the rest of the season. Almost 30, Janssen has one more year of arbitration before he’s due to hit free agency, and the team could build quite a bit of trade value for him should he excel as the Blue Jays closer. In 33.2 innings this year, Janssen has a 2.67 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 31 Ks and nine BBs. Compared to Franraucho, he’s positively Eck-ian. AL-only owners should already have Janssen on their team, and dynasty leaguers should feel free to grab him now in case he winds up the closer in 2012. You never know.

New York Mets

The Mets did the smart thing (hey, who knew?) when they dealt Francisco Rodriguez well in advance of the trading deadline. Relief options were plentiful at the end of June, but few teams were able to work out trades for market relievers. The Mets, obviously, didn’t have that problem.

In the wake of the trade, they turned to veteran and 293-save man Jason Isringhausen to close. Izzy responded by rattling off five consecutive saves and a win in six appearances heading into August. This month has not been kind to the man on a quest for 300 saves, as he allowed five runs in two appearances (both losses and one a blown save) at the beginning of the month. The Mets have nothing to lose by keeping him in the role for now, but once he hits the magic number, they need to seriously consider turning to the presumed future at the position.

Bobby Parnell sure hasn’t been making it easy for the Mets to put him in the ninth, though. Five of his last 10 appearances in July featured at least one earned run credited to the fire-baller, with his ERA rising from 3.15 to 3.86 over the course of the month. He is, however, under team control through 2015, while Isringhausen could call it a career at the end of the season. No time like the present to get your feet wet in the Bottom of the 9th; once Izzy has a 300 on his resume, expect Parnell to get the call, and not from Andy Samberg.

The trade rumor mill is in full gear with less than a week until the trading deadline, so you’d probably expect this article to be all about trade candidates that could leave bullpen roles in flux. Hooray for met expectations!

Heath Bell – He’s the big dog on the trade market now, not just with regard to relief pitching but in general as well. He’s been linked to every team this side of the Springfield Isotopes. A list: Cardinals, Angels, Phillies, Rangers, Braves, Blue Jays, Reds, Pirates, White Sox, Yankees. My money is on the Rangers winning the sweepstakes, which would land Mike Adams in the closing role, where he would be among the league’s elite.

Mike Adams – Teams are also inquiring over Adams, a reliever the Padres are hesitant to move. However, can you imagine how well-stocked the Padres’ farm system would be if they decide to move both?  It’s not like the relief cupboard would be bare, either; Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Josh Spence and Ernesto Frieri have all had some degree of success so far. I could see them getting Jurickson Profar and/or Martin Perez from the Rangers, considering Bell brings along with him the promise of draft picks for the acquiring team. Adams himself should net a top prospect. I do think Adams will ultimately be a Padre on August 1, though. If both are dealt, Gregerson will likely become closer.

Leo Nunez – The Marlins are taking calls on offers for Nunez, who still has one year of arbitration remaining. If Florida can get a good pitching prospect for him, they’ll bite. The Phillies have inquired about the Marlins closer, while any of the teams listed in the Bell paragraph could be in depending on the price. Edward Mujica would move into the closing role with a trade, but I’d say Nunez isn’t traded this year. If the Marlins don’t contend next year in their new park, they can always ship him away for a good prospect at the 2012 deadline.

Huston Street – Street would obviously be one of the better arms on the market, though he could very well also be considered the most injury prone. Any team trading for Street will have to commit at least $8 million after this season (a $7.5 million 2012 salary plus a $500,000 option buyout). No word on the teams involved, but we can assume the Rangers, Phillies and Cardinals have all touched base. The Yankees should be in the mix as well, as always. Matt Lindstrom would probably close in the event of a Street trade.

Jason Isringhausen – Izzy has come into the closing role as predicted after the K-Rod trade. He’s performed admirably in his short time with the job, collecting a win and two saves in his first three games as closer while allowing no runs in four innings. His price wouldn’t be nearly as prohibitive as anyone listed above, so he’d make for a nice consolation prize for teams like the Cardinals, Diamondbacks and Reds. However, the Mets are talking him up as a “mentor” to Bobby Parnell, who would close if Izzy is shipped off, as well as the other Mets relievers. I call BS on the posturing move and say Izzy is a Cardinal again by this time next week.

Brandon League – The Mariners have experienced one of their worst swoons in recent memory, going from AL West contenders to trading-deadline sellers in the span of about two weeks. As a result, teams are inquiring about Brandon League, who’s filled David Aardsma’s shoes quite well. His quality season should make his salary rise significantly in his final year of arbitration, and that could spurn the Mariners to make a move. Throw League’s name in as a possibility to all the teams in the Bell post, and AL-only fantasy leagues should already be checking on the status of David Pauley, who should close if League is traded.

Andrew Bailey – He’s one of the better relievers that could be traded this week, though the probability of a trade is so low that I’m only including him as an obligation. The Rangers would love to have him, while the A’s would (I’m sure) love to have multiple top prospects. Don’t expect a deal to go down. Grant Balfour or Brian Fuentes could close after a trade, and I’m leaning toward the A’s going Dirty in the five percent chance someone gives the farm for Bailey.

Joakim Soria – Here’s another closer whom teams like the Yankees and Phillies have called about but who’s not getting traded. How do I know? The Royals have annouced they’ll move Aaron Crow into the rotation next year, and he’d be about the only person they could have long-term hopes of excelling in the role right now.

Matt Thornton – Remember him? The Cardinals and White Sox are discussing a trade involving Colby Rasmus, and Thornton would be a prime candidate to make the trip to the National League in the event of such a trade. Fernando Salas has been great this season, but Thornton has three years of elite stats and could move into the role should Salas falter during the stretch run. The way Tony LaRussa has juggled closers this year, you almost think he’d feel obligated to get Thornton in the role for a week or two.

Quick hits

Brad Lidge is back, though it’ll be a while before the team thinks about giving him the ball in the ninth… Speaking of the Phillies, Charlie Manuel alluded to Antonio Bastardo keeping the closing job for the long-term, saying he “might be able to do whatever he wants to do with the way he’s been.” Apparently, that excludes closing games, as Ryan Madson went on to get the next few saves. Madson > Bastardo > Lidge right now … J.J. Putz is on the verge of re-joining the Diamondbacks; expect him to earn the job virtually immediately upon return, as manager Kirk Gibson is a proper gentleman that doesn’t play mind games, unlike some people. Kudos to David Hernandez for a quality performance as the closer; you’ll hear more about him in the future … Joe Nathan’s famous again; eat him up … Jon Rauch is currently the Blue Jays closer despite the team not having any games for him to save. Should an opportunity arise in a close game, expect Rauch and Frank Francisco to hold hands on the mound while attempting to finish the game together. That’s legal, right?

Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.  I do think this season is gonna be the peak for him, but hell with next year!  Let’s wrap his 2011 around us like a Snuggie (or the lesser known Slanket) and enjoy the ride.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t see the game, but 14 baserunners in five and a third doesn’t even seem possible.  Were they playing Wiffle ball rules with ghost runners needing to be forced?

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has a 2.65 ERA on the year and pulls girls from every ethnic background.   I.e., he’s a rock star.  Now has 14 scoreless innings in the last two games vs. the Brewers.  Shlemiel, schcan’ttouchmyshizz, I’m Josh Collmenter.  I’d be worried about putting too much faith in J.C. — no offense — but you should own him at this point.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  Totally one of those guys that people are gonna ask about next March as a sleeper pick and it’s gonna turn into a wasted pick.  But, for now, you could do worse.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, season ERA is at 2.02 and I can’t get a G-D clean game from Gallardo.  Throw me a frickin’ bone.

Stephen Strasburg – Threw 95 MPH in a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.

Koji Uehara – Will see saves for the next three days while Kevin Gregg serves a suspension.  If this were elementary school, Gregg and Ortiz would serve their suspensions in the same room while cleaning the erasers.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 games.  He seems pretty underappreciated considering he’s pulling a Hunter Pence impersonation that could fool Henrietta Pence, that’s his mom.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Orioles scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Here he comes (God, I hope so)!  I just know it (no, I don’t)!

Mike Morse – 3-for-4 with his 16th homer.  About time he started dashing and dotting again.

Huston Street – Might get traded.  For who, Avenue of the Americas?  Lindstrom would be the handcuff.

Jordan Lyles – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and 113 pitches.  Not much to report here, but Ed Wade’s Toupee may want to chillax on throwing the youngster so deep into games.  I mean, isn’t Dr. James Andrews making enough money?

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Solid, if yawnstipating 5th fantasy starter.  That is all.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with two WTFs (Warning Track Flies).  If you have a WTF category in your league, Butler is the WTF master.  If he moved forward in the batter’s box ten feet, he’d hit 30 homers.

Joe Mauer – 6-for-8 in the doubleheader.  He hit .373 in last year’s 2nd half and has raised his average nearly 50 points in the last 10 games.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 with his 5th home run, and he left the bowl streak-free.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER.  The Indians rest him when there is a save opportunity in the afternoon game then bring him in for the pointless Kazaam!  Grr.

Josh Reddick – As a starter since June 18th, batting .340 with 4 homers.  But that’s only 13 starts in a month.  Guy at the Cask’n Flagon with a Jeter jersey is getting more play.

Clay Buchholz – On Monday, he threw from 120 feet.  Not sure why he’s pitching from 2nd base, but there ya go.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Was 0-for-his last week before this game, but for those who like to play Russian roulette with their catcher, Saltymochachino hit a bomb yesterday.

Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with heat exhaustion.  Hey, Ruiz, stop calling for the heater!

Carlos Pena – 3-for-3 with his 20th homer, after just getting done with a 1-for-15 stretch.  His hitting streaks are like riding a bicycle in San Francisco.  Holy crap, we’re really flying as we go downhill!  And now we’re going uphill and nowhere…  Watch out, now we’re downhill again!

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Who said he’d slow up?  Oh, I did.  Well, I still think he will.  Unless he backed into a leftover Sosa needle.

Jason Heyward - Sat out yesterday after being hit on the foot Sunday.  As frequent commenter, zombie, said yesterday, “Should have know something was up when Glass Chipper demands that you grab a bat.  Definitely no relation to Ironhead Heyward.  Dude played with a brain tumor.  Foot contusion.  Seriously?!”

Clay Hensley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Last time he was a regular starter, he was a solid deep league option, but marginal in most mixed leagues.  And that was in Petco.  For a few starts, he’ll also be on a pitch count.

Leo Nunez – Got the save yesterday, but, whatever, this isn’t about that.  Everyone is saying Dunn would be the closer if Nunez is dealt, the only problem I have with that is Mujica is having a better year and consistently coming in games after Dunn.  Plus, Dunn’s a lefty.  Well, that’s the short of it, Peter Dinklage.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, that’s not too shabby.  He gets the peasant Royals next time out.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy or Oscar.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3 and now batting .337 with 4 homers on the year.  James Loney called, he wants his stats back.

Ezequiel Carrera – He said nine innings is for Quakers, and played 18 innings yesterday and stole 2 bases.  After all the success with Asdrubal, the Indians might just be promoting anyone with a funky first name.  Get ready, Azerbajan Ramirez!  Carrera had 35 steals in 81 games in Triple-A this year and now he’s the starting center fielder for the Cleveland Indians.  You know who has two thumbs and picked up this Amish SAGNOF’er?  This guy!

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with knee problems.  He said there’s a lot of concern about his knee.  You don’t say, Grady.  It’s only been bothering you for two years.  The FDA looked at his knees and said Grade-E.  Uh-uh, Grade F.  Suitable only for ‘meat’ filling at Taco Bell and 7-11 chili dogs.  Hmm, what is that taste?  Oh, that’s right.  The unfulfilled promise of multiple 30/30 seasons.