Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!

As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league.  I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed.  As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept.  A few hours later, I woke in a panic.  Water was dripping from my forehead.  Was there a leak in my bed?  No.  I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9.  (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value.  They are going to be so rare!  Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card!  Better hold on to that one!  Wally Joyner has some pop!  Stock up!  Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent!  Put that one in a sleeve!  Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel.  Alas…)  Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous?  Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word.  But he’s a rookie.  A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare.  Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight.  Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack.  In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week.  Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer.  That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you.  Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility.  How’s that for a hard sell?  Or is it a hard Buy?  Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…

Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s.  Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage.   Hopefully Nucky backs him.  It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside.  Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station?  Way to reach your potential!  Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.

Jason Bartlett – Speaking of black holes, it’s the Padres offense!  “I’ve been hitting the ball well for the last ten days.”  That’s a Bartlett quotation.

Carlos Pena – He’s over the ESPN ownership threshold that I usually look for (50% owned), but, even in ESPN leagues where the majority of the leagues are one owner with ten aliases, Pena should be owned more than he is.

Eric Hinske – This is the type of player I don’t like telling people to pickup outside of deep NL-Only leagues because at any moment he’ll either go back to the bench or start sucking from the suckhole.

Brandon Belt – He should be back any day (week?) now.  As we saw on his first trip through the majors, there’s no guarantee on how he’ll perform, but he should be better than he was.

Scott Rolen – You know what Scott Rolen is?  Gritty!  He’s cut from a different cloth than today’s players.  And he seems like a total douche.  While he’s healthy, I’d grab him.  He’s usually good for a short term add.

Rafael Furcal – He should be back within a week, so that puts his next DL-stint ETA at around three weeks from now.  Any the hoo!  You should own him while he’s playing (assuming you don’t have one of around 20 middle infielders that are better and/or less injury-prone).

Laynce Nix – He’s hitting around .400 over the least week.  Him and his brother, Jayson, tend to get hot for about one week a year.  Usually they’re pretty layme.  “I’m gonna make you eat that mustache of yours!” That’s their drunk, unemployed brother, Jaymes, prank calling me.

Corey Patterson – Started with Justin Turner Overdrive and now we’re talking about Corey “I could easily go 0-for-35 at any moment” Patterson.  This Buy post is a barn burner like the posse searching for John Wilkes Booth.

Roger Bernadina – I feel like I’ve heard his name somewhere before… Let me check my Memento-style tattoos:  1. Talk about Bernadina.  2. On Razzball.  3. There’s no 3.

Eric Thames – Don’t you wanna call him Ericus Thames?  Hey, maybe it’s just me!  He put up some pretty spectacular numbers in the PCL, but, as we all know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Thames still has pop… Jose Bautista, “Call me Dad.”  Um, okay, Bautista.  If I were in an AL-Only league, I’d grab Thames for a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), but he’ll probably strike out a ton and I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.

Domonic Brown – He’s going to get called up within the next two weeks.  Or my name is not Grey “I’ll Admit To Seeing Brian Setzer In Concert…Once!” Albright.

Matt Guerrier/Kenley Jansen – See this morning’s post, it can be found in less than one mouse click.  Good luck!

Fernando Salas – Looks to be locked in as Cards closer, which, obviously, means he could get replaced by Sunday.

Wilton Lopez – Melancon is good to poop on, I wouldn’t even waste my waste on Lyon and Lopez is buried in the bullpen of a team that doesn’t win.  It’s not great, but that’s why they call it SAGNOF.

Jamey Wright – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – People are starting to catch on at ESPN that Arrieta should be owned, so be careful because that means he’s due for an explosion like you after a meal at El Torito.

SELL

Josh Johnson – No, don’t trade him for an autographed picture of Phyllis Diller.  But, yeah, I don’t like his injury history and he just had a forearm issue.  Everyone is saying he’s fine, and I believe them.  That still doesn’t mean another injury isn’t right around the corner.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper puts his pants on like everyone else.  One leg at a time.  Only he pulls a hamstring when he does it.  I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.

Justin Morneau – Hit his 2nd home run yesterday.  As Arnold used to say about his lover, “I love four baggers.”  We all do, Arnie.  But Morneau still doesn’t look right.  He’s too skinny.  Is he prepping a model chic look for Milan?  He looks malnourished like you should be sending a dollar a month to Minnesota to get him clean water and a bowl of rice.  I don’t know if his concussion led him to a diet of raw foods and Master Cleanses but something is up.  That’s between me, you and the guy behind you who’s photocopying his hand while he reads over your shoulder.  So you parlay this  “Morneau is back after his home run!” chatter and see if you can pawn him off for anything to another owner.  Now is your time to sell– nay, it’s your duty to act.  Go forth, young, socially awkward man and prosper!

From human trafficker to Rangers fifth starter, Alexi Ogando throws gas.  (Maybe that’s how he got caught trafficking humans.  He was mule-ing a human in his colon and accidentally threw gas.  Not sure.)  I say, mootie lootie doo to all of that, which means nothing, though it might in another language.  Once an outfielder, but Ogando’s no herbathrowdite.  Ogando tops out at 97 MPH, strikes people out and throws ground balls.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.   Unfortunately, he has a few things going against him.  His home park, his control and he has no experience starting in the major leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d absolutely take a flyer to see if he can run with the rotation spot and force his way into the rotation even after Hunter returns.  In mixed leagues, I’m taking a wait and see approach.  In general, getting roofied is no fun, but it feels like it hurts more in April.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Mat Latos – Will start the year on the DL.  Thanks a Latos, Mat!  That’s you.  I told you yesterday to trade him for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  I might lower that to fifty-five cents today.  It could be thirty-five cents by mid-April.

Chase Utley – Your first girlfriend says to you she’s ready to put out, but there’s no timetable for when.  It’s not going to happen.  Your friend works at Senor Frog’s and is in charge of hosing down drunk Spring Breakers, says they’ll hire you but there’s no timetable for when.  You’re never working there.  You see how no timetable works?  Okay, the Phillies have no timetable for Utley’s return.

Alex Gordon – You know what would be nice?  If he actually hit the ball when games mattered.  I’d love to see that.  Right now, I have John Bowker, Delwyn Young and Sean Rodriguez for you.  Three guys that hit 6 homers in last year’s Spring Training.  For all of last year, Sean-Rod hit 9, Young hit 7 and Bowker hit 5.  Year before, Mike Wilson (no idea who this is; might be Dennis the Menace’s neighbor), Mike Jacobs, Mark Teahen and Wilson Betemit were killing the ball in spring training.

Carlos Beltran – Mets said he’ll be ready for the start of the season.  Mets also said he’ll only miss week or so when he was first injured two years ago.  Guess the emphasis was on the ‘or so.’  There will be no point when I’m excited about Beltran again in his career.  You can own him, maybe I’ll own him, but he’s a slide into second away from a 60-day DL stint.

Max Scherzer – 2 1/3 IP, 11 ER.  It’s the spring, it should be ignored, but it’s a tad disconcerting to me since Scherzer was so bad at the beginning of last season that he ended being demoted in May.  Hopefully, it’s not a harbinger.  Or in the German Scherzer’s case, Herr Binger.

Armando Galarraga – The Diamondbacks lied; Galarraga won the last starting spot over Heilman.  May not have helped that Heilman was torched on Sunday.  I’m sure this is not the last change that occurs to this rotation.  I wouldn’t touch Galarraga outside of NL-Only leagues unless he’s pitching in Petco.

Matt Treanor – Sent to the Royals for cash.  I’m hoping it was less than a hundred dollars.  This leaves fantasy owners only able to get pissed off about Torrealba starting over Napoli.

Michael Pineda – Named the fifth starter for the Mariners.  Here’s my Michael Pineda fantasy.  Don’t stare directly into it, you’ll go blind.

J.J. Putz – Should be ready to go for the start of the season.  Putz’s stiffness sure went away fast.

Laynce Nix – Beat Bernadina for a roster spot on the Nats.  Layme.

Eric Young, Jr. was in the September call up post, but it turns out he’s a preemie by a week.  Young has so many steals in the minors he’s worth a pickup in every league.  How many steals, you ask.  Well, I was getting there if you give me a second.  In the last four years of the minors, he has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin hey, are you kidding me?  In my never-ending rotation of schmohawks (thanks Beltran!), I dropped Alcides Escobar for Young in one league and chucked Drew Stubbs for him in another.  Will Young play every day?  Seems doubtful.  He has been playing in the outfield for at least a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think he’ll see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johan Santana – Done for the season.  This, and his lackluster (for him) season, might actually help Johan come at a discount in 2010 drafts.  I wouldn’t reach for him because I don’t believe in drafting pitchers early, but I could see him falling into the 5th or 6th rounds of early drafts.  The reason why I specify early is because once Johan looks good in spring training, he’ll bump up a round or two.  Then if Johan looks terrible in March, you’ll want to trade him for Nick Markakis.  Oh, and your fly’s open.  Don’t ask me how I know.

Billy Wagner – Headed to the Sox before The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard got him.  He’ll back up Papelbon and, as a commenter pointed out yesterday, hopefully he turns out better than The Gagne Experiment™ in 2007.

Hank Blalock – Will be a bench player and will be asked to perform Cole Porter’s Anything Goes.  This is good news for Chris Davis.  Now for Davis to do something with this vote of confidence.

Freddy Sanchez – Headed to the DL.  Postdate this next comment 2011:  The Giants trade for Sanchez will cost them dearly.

Jake Peavy – Doode just can’t win.  On the next to last batter in his last minor league start, he was hit on the elbow by a comebacker.  Cue Kudrow, “I did not need to see that!”  Now because of elbow soreness, he might not be able to pitch this Saturday vs. the Yanks.

Joba Chamberlain – 4 IP, 7 ER.  He’s going again on regular rest this Sunday vs. the Orioles, so I can kinda understand holding him until then, but he’s really unstartable.  Then, on top of that, he’s been skipped here and there.  Okay, he’s not unstartable; he’s unownable.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  I’m calling a bogey on February Grey who said Posada was done.  He obviously was not done.  Being wrong at catcher is the position to be wrong at, but nevertheless still wrong.

Robinson Cano – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Not wrong here, because in the preseason I put him in the “Good value before we get to total Crapolanco” Tier.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 baserunners, 0 ER in Atlanta.  I’m guessing a lot of people were sonavabenched on this one.

Jimmy Rollins – 2 HRs yesterday.  Coming up after the break, J. Rolled The Dorf.

Brad Lidge – No outs recorded, 3 earned.  Lidge has blown nine games this year, an 0-6 record and a 7.33 ERA.  If anyone happens to run into Lidge, give him my regards.  And, by regards, I mean the middle finger.  (BTW, On one team of mine, I had Lidge, Frank², Capps and Bell all give up runs and blow three saves.  Bad week to quit sniffing glue.)

Ryan Doumit – Obviously just needed the additional push of me putting him in Friday’s Sell.  He now has 2 homers in his last three games.

Travis Snider – Hit another homer yesterday and now two in three games.  I have an idea, stop Kemping him and move him up the order.

Carlos Pena – 2 HRs.  Six homers in the last week and a half.  On August 13th, I asked how many homers does Pena have left in his bat?  I gave the over/under of 13.  That means he has an over/under of 7 left.

Carlos Zambrano – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I admire Big Z for returning from the DL with a mustache, but this start did not make ‘stached men proud.  No, sir.  Clay Zavada and I may need to have a word with him.

Josh Willingham – 4-for-4, 2 HRs, 5 Runs and 6 RBIs.  This is the total production of Jose Reyes’s 2009 season.

Zach Grienke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 15 Ks.  *speechless*

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is only .08 away from Greinke.  Cust kayin’.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Continued his post-All-Star break march of excellence.  He’ll fool someone next March who thinks he’s going to be good in April, May and June.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with his 8th homer.  He left the game in the ninth and is day-to-day.  It’s nice and all that he’s hitting .319, but 6 steals on the year is not buttering the biscuit.

Delmon Young – 4-for-5 yesterday.  Wait, Delmon Young actually had a good game yesterday?  Glory be!  Only 18 months after predicted.

Howie Kendrick – HR yesterday as he started only his third game in the last week.  In some ways, I kinda understand what Scioscia is doing with Kendrick’s playing time.  I mean, everyone on the Angels is slap-hitting .300 right now.  He could run out there Dick Schofield and he’d hit .300.

Laynce Nix/Jayson Nix – 3 HRs combined yesterday.  Their older brother, Jaymes Nix got drunk.

Tommy Hanson was called up by the Braves yesterday.   His numbers:  66 1/3 IP, 90 Ks, 0.86 WHIP, 1.49 ERA in Triple A.  Hello, beautiful, may I interest you in this Sutter Home White Zinfandel?  It’ll go lovely with your 90/17 K/BB ratio.  How about some honey mustard pretzels to go with your 12.2 K/9 ratio?  Ah, yes, those were some great times when you dominated in the Arizona Fall League with a .63 ERA in just over 28 innings.  Chuckle, chuckle… Yes, those were the best prospects in baseball and you held them to 10 hits and 49 Ks.   But can he dominate in the majors?  Much has been made of rookie pitchers at this site.  More often than not, they drop a roofie in your box of wine and do unthinkable things to your Forbidden City.  Hanson seems like he can handle his own in the big leagues, but remember in Double A he was great, but not insane with a 3.03/1.13/114 and a 10.5 K/9 in 98 IP.  If Hanson comes out and dominates on Saturday, his value will go through the roof.  If he stumbles, you might get stuck with Cueto of ’08.  Rookie pitchers are very risky.  If you need a hitter, Hanson’s trade value might be at its peak.  Now if you need pitching and you can handle the risk, Hanson can provide the reward.  In a keeper, obviously you hold him tight like your Grandma holds her bucket of quarters in Atlantic City.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate McLouth – Traded to the Braves.  This doesn’t do much for his value.  Cox can’t even sit lefties against lefties anymore because the Braves lineup is basically all lefties.  McLouth’s a 25/25 guy with a so-so average.   However, this opens the door for… Wait for it… It’s coming… Okay, here it is…

Andrew McCutchen – The Pirates fleet-footed centerfielder (no, he doesn’t have ships for feet).  I picked him up in one 15 team league.  He was just dissected last week in our Scouting the Unknown.  Best case scenario is .280/25 steals with maybe 5 homers.  He’s Dexter Fowler, ya’ll!  I’d pick him up in 12 team leagues unless you’re bloated with steals, but, really, who ever has too many steals?  Remember though, if you pick him up, you might have to watch Pirates highlights.

Gordon Beckham – The 2008 1st round draft pick of the White Sox has been promoted, presumably to man 3rd base (bye bye Betemit) and maybe see time at 2nd or short.  He doesn’t have much of a minor league record to go on, but the 200 or so minor-league ABs show solid AVG and 15-20 HR pop.  Upside for this year is Tulo’s rookie year.  Downside for this year is Tulo since his rookie year.  So dust off that waiver claim in mixed leagues, if you’ve got a mediocre MI.  Between Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham, White Sox GM Ken Williams has seen a lot more success in the draft after focusing on prospects that sound ultra-British.  How’d he miss out on Collin Balester?

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 with a 3 run HR yesterday.  That’s his first time in weeks that he made contact twice in a game let alone safely put them in play.  He’s barely usable in 12-team leagues now with his selling points as follows:  1) He has 2B/3B eligibility and is 1 game away from OF,  2) He has serious power.  Even with his Razztastic .188 AVG, he has 8 HRs and 23 RBIs, 3) He does walk a good amount (near .300 OBP), and 4) He enjoys a good slap and tickle as much as Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham.

Jose Reyes – Now won’t return on Friday as he aggravated his calf and fantasy owners.  Is it me or is there more injuries this year than any year in the history of the world?  WTF?  Seriously.  Can we get our shizz together and stay healthy?  Ta!

Joey Votto – Reds have gone on record saying Votto is dealing with some personal issues.  Dusty said, “I once hiccuped and swallowed my toothpick when managing the Cubs.  I didn’t think much of it, but felt a light-headed for a couple weeks.  I started Kerry Wood 5 straight days during one stretch when I meant to give him an off day in between.  Then I sneezed and a toothpick shot out of my ear and poked Mark Prior in the shoulder, which caused it to dislocate.”

Laynce Nix – While younger bro, Jayson (mom & dad likes them unnecessary Y’s) waits for an opportunity in Chicago, the older Nix is getting some love from Dusty over Dickerson & Gomes.  A 2 HR day today was rather Brucian of him, but ignore this Ranger/Brewer retread unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ‘strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

Derek Lowe – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Really wish I owned him in a league.  No, he’s not dazzling, but it’s so nice to have a guy that consistently gives up 3 or fewer runs.   So far he’s only had one game where he’s given up more than 4 runs and has a 3.40 ERA on the year.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 ER.  What I said about Lowe, but with a few more strikeouts.

Scott Feldman – Now 5-0 with a 3.79 ERA.  And he pitches for Texas.  It’s like that Bizarro Seinfeld episode where Feldman is the considerate and productive Kramer.  Why do we have the feeling that we’ll be cursing him out like the real Kramer would once summer comes around in Arlington?

Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, .346 on the year and battling Tejada in the NL batting race.  Speaking of bizarro, when did Pence decide to start drawing walks like Picasso drew guernicas?  He has as many walks as he did his whole rookie year in 2007.  He has only one less walk than strikeout this year.  Last year, he had 40 walks and 124 Ks.  That’s a terrific trend.  Maybe he can talk to Frenchy.

Jeff Niemann – Niemann!  Hey, we got a theme going here.  He threw a complete game, two-hitter with 9 Ks.  Not sure what’s in the water down in Tampa (though it’s probably served at Hooter’s), but it seems like every year they get a great performance from a not-so-great pitcher (Sonnanstine ’08).  Still, I wouldn’t trust Niemann going forward.

Jhonny Peralta – Hit a 3-run HR tonight which ups his season total to….2.  For a SS whose only value is his power.  Oh well, he’s still doing better than fellow silent-H shortstop, Khalil Greene, who is suffering from a harshed mellow.

Kyle Lohse – Left the game with forearm discomfort.  The Cards trainer said this was a similar injury to what Royce Clayton suffered in ’98 when he greeted McGwire in the dugout after a homer.  Dave Duncan shrugged his shoulders saying, “Whatever.  I’ll just find another scrub pitcher to turn into a servicable starter.  These reclamation projects are getting too easy.  Someone get me Ankiel.”

Dr. Brian Bannister – The Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Jonathan Broxton – Hit 100 MPH on three straight pitches.  Cust kayin’.

Josh Outman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  He has a near-4.50 FIP.  Caveat, Razzballer.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, HR and 3 RBIs.  He’s hot.  I know you don’t want to believe it but he is; .357 over the last 7 games and 8-for-10 over his last two.

Ben Zobrist – Hit a grand slam for his 10th HR.  Is this one of those body-switch movies between BJ Upton and Ben Zobrist?  Which one’s Fred Savage?

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Okay, Happ-shot, now the schedule gets hard.  Wait, he gets the Mets in Metco next.  Hmm… You can’t spell Tummyaches without M-E-T-S.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with an ankle injury.  One exuberant fan thought Youk’s ankle was broken and yelled Opa!