Almost two months into the 2013 Major League Baseball season and things have suddenly turned into Bizarro World from the Superman comics. Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says, ”Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Coke tastes like Pepsi, Bizzaro USA is Canada and Bizarro Tom Cruise is a heterosexual, black orthodox Jew. The Bizarro Code states, “Us do opposite of all Earthly things!Please, blog, may I have some more?
And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels. This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree. We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.” Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million. The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster. Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game. It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost. Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5. He’s about as bleh as pitchers get. Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later. I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant. Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up. No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch. Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer.Please, blog, may I have some more?
After seeing Edwin Jackson pitch yesterday, I felt as happy as this guy on the inside. I ran around my block yelling “Yuuuuupppp” like Dave Hester in Storage Wars. I went to Coldstone Creamery and got a low fat sundae that had 2700 calories and I ate it (with extra jimmies)! Yesterday, Jackson’s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners and 13 Ks. He’s now 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA and 20 Ks in 14 innings. Giddy up, snitches! Sure, like I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size, but I liked Jackson throughout the preseason. Wanna see where I wrote my Edwin Jackson fantasy in sparkle dust? Click on that link-a-ma-thingie. Right now, Jackson is owned in 29.1% of ESPN leagues. Even when you consider 40% of all ESPN leagues are already abandoned, it’s still too low. BTW, if other fantasy sites tell you to pick up Edwin Jackson now, tell them to go eff themselves, Razzball told you back in January. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lastings Milledge – White Sox designated him for assignment. That assignment is to stop sucking.Please, blog, may I have some more?
After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers. Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects. We’ll get to Smoak in a bit. You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal. The poor, poor New York Yankees. Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod. Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position. Or Oswalt for middle relief. My pet crocodile is crying for them. Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs. Is The Flank that much better than Arlington? No, it’s not. He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East. His first start vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia. As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot. My guess is 4 to 6 weeks. One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight. It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got. One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart. But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.” So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement. Some ways you can look for average? Aviles or Kendrick. Steals? Figgy or Theriot. RBIs? Barmes or Guillen. Runs? Walker or Polanco. All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that. Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus. I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now. A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings. Like a can’t-Catch 22. Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor. It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer. Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig. And that’s about where the good news ends. Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow. Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs. So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl). Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine. I pick up a closer. Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it. Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux. In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good. I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it. I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank. Doesn’t matter to me. Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test. So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers. Frank-Frank was one of them. Belch. Frank2 is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz. Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year? Yup. Frank-Frank went womp-womp. I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I know most of you are champing/chomping at the bit for me to finish these facacta 2010 fantasy baseball rankings. Well, the pitchers are right around the corner. Some of these top 80 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball are long shots to make the club, but they might give you value if they do. Or they might just give you value when they’re called up in the summer. As Kanye West said, I’ll show you how I cook up summer in the win-turr. As with the other rankings, where I see tiers start and stop are mentioned with my projections. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2010 fantasy baseball:
61.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hank Blalock was called Mr. September by his manager. I think he meant it as a compliment. Last year, he hit eight homers in 95 ABs in September. This year, batting .360. In the last seven games, it’s up to .400 with 2 homers. Luckily, he’s also playing every game, because he’s the only one hitting for the Rangers, which means he’ll continue to play. If you’re currently rocking an underperforming corner guy try out Blalock. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon! (BTW, I have a theory why Blalock hits well in September. The Texas summer tires the Rangers hitters out. By September, they’re done, except for Blalock because he never plays a full season. So this theory would make even more sense if Blalock’s other good month is April. Yup, checks out. In the last three years, April’s his 2nd best month. Check. Mate.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners. Guitar Arroyo continues to roll in the 2nd half. Hopefully, I don’t have to field too many questions in March from people asking if they should draft Arroyo in 2010. You should not. I’m all for grabbing him next July though.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m sure even Kevin Gregg can’t believe he held the Cubs closer job as long as he did. After witnessing Gregg’s sixth blown save and 12th gopher ball on Monday night, Piniella went into the locker room and flipped a table, screaming at a young, non-mustachioed Willie Randolph… Oh, wait, that was The Bronx is Burning. Piniella says Carlos Marmol will take over the closer duties. Carlos Marmol smiles, Kevin Gregg frowns and Angel Guzman shrugs. John Grabow may also slide into the situational save picture when the Cubs face a lefty heavy ninth. But, for now, Sweet Lou’s giving the ball to Marmol to save games. As of today. We shall see. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Travis Snider – Guess JP Ricciardi can’t swing a deal for Lincecum and the frozen body of Ted Williams, so Snider was called up. Worth a flier in mixed leagues for the potential pop he can provide. In one league, out of boredom, I dropped Ty Wigginton for Snider. Oh, and Snider hit a homer yesterday.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Tigers added Aubrey Huff to complement Jim Leyland’s puff. When the Detroit Free Press hit the streets to find out what Tigers fans thought of this trade, they were met by mixed reactions. Some fans asked for change, others shot at them. Huff should be added to the 1st base/DH mix with Carlos Guillen heading out to left field. Huff’s value could go up a bit, but he needs to hit for him to have any value. Best case scenario, he gets 8 homers over the next month and hits .330.Please, blog, may I have some more?